Chapter Text
Your lips feel so good against mine, I was hoping you would open up, let me fit with you more...deep
"It tickles!" You said, with that innocence in your voice that you always had. Your phrase repeating on my head over and over...I wouldn't describe it as tickling, but burning. Itchy, so good.
Then we separated, I noticed how you never actually closed your eyes, it was kind of uncomfortable to look at your bright eyes directly once we drifted.
"You're so cute, Thomas...I don't want this to ever end." I cupped your cheek, I swear promise that I could only see you with love. "Aw, you're also so sweet, Soreny" you followed with.
It felt heartwarming, but also dull. Wasn't what I was searching for. I needed more, my whole being needed more. You brushed it off, talking about something that, to be honest, didn't really care about.
"So, which one is best? Waffles or pancakes? I sincerely prefer pancakes-" "I love your voice so much, keep talking, please..." I could sense your confusion, your pause, you stood silent after that. But even the sound of your breathing kept my heart so full.
.
.
That breathing stopped about 1 year ago, I miss you so much, Thomas...Im sorry I didn't appreciate you enough. Im sorry I didn't understand your feelings. Im sorry for being so stubborn about myself. Im sorry for being so selfish...Im sorry- FUCK!
Enough of thinking about this bullshit! I have to "leave the past on the past", at least that's what Blizz say to me. Talking about him, I haven't got to my appointment in a while...
Pfft lets be SO for real. He doesn't give a fuck about me...Tho I woukd say he is doing it for money, but of course he's doing this for free.
Ok I'm sorry, Blizz, okay? Im sorry? Did you hear that? You're actually, like, one of the cool ones. You know? Obviously not better than him. But I guess it works? Not that you're his replacement or anything...
I could never replace him. Not my Tommy.
My stomach grumbled angrily, it had been days that I just eated a toast with some trash on it. "Maybe its time to actually eat a good meal."
I walked to the refrigerator and hesitantly open it. Nothing.
...?
Oh right. I closed the door on Andreas' face yesterday and I now have no provisions. Good thing I know a really good trick up my sleeve wink wink.
I rolled up the sleeve of my jacket, slowly, soft against my skin. There was it, my other arm, the only one i conserve. "I'm so hungry...oughhh i feel like i was on the trenches again- AHH!" I yelped as that idiot called Andreas basically kicked the door open
-"Soren you motherfucker, why are you isolating AGAIN??!" ok maybe he didn't say it like that but it felt like it. K? "Uh- uhhh I- I was ju-"
-"I have provisions. You closed the door on my fucking face yesterday." he placed the bag on the table. "I uh...Th...thank you," I paused "Thank you Andreas. I appreciated how dedicated you're to a stubborn crybaby like me."
He sighed at me -"Soren, you're not a crybaby for being so devastated about his dead. Everyone was...you just...take your time to heal, right? Never blame it on yourself. We understand you were his best friend and still hurt." I stood silent.
"Maybe its because im the one to blame." I admitted, not wanting to see his eyes directly. I saw Andreas' gaze soften from the corner of my eyes, his hand placing on my tensed shoulder.
Suddenly, he yanked me into a hug. I wanted to push away, I didn't deserve no gentleness, specially from a man like him. But I couldn't. I just clinged harder.
My eyes hurt, a lot. I shouldn't can't cry, "Men don't cry" thats what my dad said to me. Since he appeared on my life, I learned its not weak to cry, its a prize, a recompense from being so strong, letting it all out. He's not here anymore, and I...I...don't deserve to let it all out.
He let go, I still couldn't look at his eyes. The snow was entering through the front door, as Andreas left it open. "Oh hey. Its cold. You should close the door.." I whispered
-"Oh yeah you're right, my bad" When he turned around to stop the cold from getting in, I checked the bag.
Beans –not my favorite–, rice, cereal, pasta, milk, blah, blah, blah- maple syrup?
"Hey, Andre...I didn't know the government included syrup in the provisions-" -"Oh, no, they don't." I furrowed my eyebrows, "I just, thought you would like it. I always saw it kn the fridge when, before the incident."
I opened the bottle and took a big sniff of it.
"He smells like this."