Chapter Text
“You told him what?” Was the first thing that came out of Maddie’s mouth once Chimney was finished explaining his previous conversation with Buck. He grimaces. He knew it was going to be a long night, and even considered not telling Maddie, but he knew it would come out anyways and he wanted her to hear it from him.
“I know it sounds bad-” He’s cut off by Maddie’s scoffing.
“Sounds bad? Howie, you told him to get over Bobby’s death because it’s been 7 months and then told him he was acting out for grieving him. Trust me, it doesn’t just sound bad, it is bad.” Chimney sighs, getting up from the couch they were sitting at to pace around.
“I know, Maddie, I'm sorry, okay? I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, I just-. I was worried about him. We haven’t really talked since his outburst last week, and then with what happened last night, I realized it was getting bad again. Like before.” Maddie furrows her eyebrows, trying to understand what he meant.
“Before?” Maddie asks. Chimney nods, before going to sit back down.
“Yeah you know like, when he found out about Daniel. Or when Eddie was shot and he climbed up that crane without any protection. And even after Bobby first died, he just seemed so intent on running into danger and making excuses to stay even when he didn’t have to. I was worried he-” Chim cuts himself off. He doesn’t want to freak Maddie out more when he doesn’t know for sure.
“Worried he what?” Maddie asks. Chimney hesitates, before giving in.
“He just spends a lot of his time in unnecessary danger. To me, it doesn’t really seem like he cares that much about getting hurt.” Maddie nods in understanding. She grew up with Buck, and she knows what he used to do to get their parents attention. She wasn’t blind, even when Buck said they were accidents, she knew the truth.
“Well, Buck’s always kind of been like that. I don’t remember one summer he hadn’t broken at least 2 bones. That’s just normal for him. Sometimes he just needs a little reminder that he matters. Not to be yelled at or judged by people that are supposed to be his family.” Chimney should know better. He does know better. Sometimes when he gets worried he gets mad. Like the time he punched Buck in the face when he found out Buck knew Maddie had left and didn’t tell him.
“If he used to do that all the time, why didn’t you say anything to him?”Maddie knows she probably should have. Maybe Buck wouldn’t feel the need to put himself in danger anytime he thinks someone doesn’t care about him. But she couldn’t. The only time she ever really saw him smiling for real, was when he was hurt.
“I know I should have. It’s just, he was so happy whenever they did something for him like, make him breakfast, or watch a movie with him. He was miserable before, and I didn’t want to ruin that for him.” Maddie explains. She knows it’s a weak excuse, and she wishes she had a better one. But she just wanted to see her brother happy.
“Yeah well now he thinks it’s okay to hurt himself for attention. Anytime he thinks his world is tilting, he’s gonna find a new fire to jump into.” Chimney exclaims.
“I know, but this isn’t my fault. I didn’t know he’d keep doing it. I just hated seeing him like that. You didn’t have to see the look on his face whenever our parents ignored him, or pretended like he didn’t exist. The only time they even felt like he was worth the time of day was when they thought he did something wrong and they wanted to scream at him, or he hurt himself so they’d have to take care of him. It broke my heart, and I just wanted to see him smile.” Chimney takes Maddie’s hands in his, taking a deep breath, before responding.
“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to blame you I just- look, i’ll apologize to him next shift after he’s had time to cool off. But I really do think you should talk to him. I think it’ll do him good.” Maddie nods, already planning it in her head.
“Okay I'll text him. I have to get work but I’ll see you tonight.” She kisses Chimney on the head before grabbing her bag and leaving.
BUCK’S HOUSE
Buck sat outside his house, where he’d been for the last hour. He was exhausted from his spat with Chimney, but he knew he was going to end up falling asleep if he went inside, and that was the last thing he wanted. So here he sat, his phone hooked up to the jeep playing music softly. It was the playlist him and Eddie had made about 3 years after they met. It was filled with either songs that reminded them of the other, or just songs they wanted the other to listen to.
Buck plays it every time he’s feeling down, to remind himself that even though it doesn’t feel like it at the moment, he’s not alone. Although now he wants to scream at how wrong they all were. He thinks back to Red. How he was so paranoid he’d lose everyone once they all got older, and how they all told him he was being ridiculous. That would never happen to them because they were a family. He doesn’t know whether he wants to cry, laugh, or be angry at the fact that it was all a lie. Nearly 5 years later, and everything was already falling apart. They were all drifting away, and all Buck could do was watch. Watch them move on with their lives while he’s still stuck in the past because he doesn’t want things to change.
Buck didn’t know what happened, he blinked and all of the sudden he was somewhere else. It took him a second to realize where but when he did, he felt his heart drop. Muttering ‘no’ under his breath repeatedly. He twists his body around, taking his surroundings. It’s the same hallway. The same blue lights. The same metal door that was impossible to open. When he looks over he can see someone kneeling. He had his suspicions. Of course, it was pretty obvious. He’s had this dream before. He’s lived it, but apparently he wasn’t haunted enough in the land of the living, it has to haunt his subconscious as well.
But something was different.
Something felt off.
When he got close enough his heart caught in his throat. Because it wasn’t Bobby who was kneeling on the ground. His eyes gazed across the letters on the back of the turnouts. Dusty but clear.
“No.” Buck whispers. His voice breaking off at the end. The figure stood up slowly, but otherwise stayed still.
“Hello?” Buck’s voice ricochets off the stone walls. It moves through the cracks, as he tries to steady himself. After the figure stays frighteningly still. Frighteningly quiet. Buck turns his head to the side. His eyes dilating as it reached the lights. It flickered through time and when Buck turned his gaze back down, the figure was standing right up against the glass. Buck jumps back, as his own eyes stare him down. The birthmark above his eye, matching his own. Staring back at him was himself. Another Buck. Like in his coma dream.
“Hello again.” The voice whispers. His own voice. A shadow aura outlining the figure, as if to represent evil. The man put his hand up against the glass, just as he did for Bobby. His shadow self wasn’t sick like Bobby was. Despite being on the death side of the glass, the blood from his nose didn’t drop onto the ground like it had for Bobby.
“Who are you?” It was a dumb question. He knows it, because obviously it’s himself. He can feel the judgment from his shadow self through the glass. He can see his eyebrows move up into his hairline, answering the question with unspoken words.
“No I know- I just don’t understand. If I’m here, how am I also there? Usually it’s Bobby and he’s either dying or already dead.” The shadow smiled, but it wasn’t comforting. It wasn’t reassuring. It was eerie. Unsettling. But still, Buck held his ground.
“Bobby isn’t here to help you Buck.” The shadow states. Instead of confusion, which is probably what he should have felt, he felt a cool chill run down his spine. A shiver of something other than the coldness creeping up his arms.
“Why would I need his help?” He doesn’t have to answer, as Buck’s vision focuses in on the glass. More importantly, his reflection. His actual reflection. He could just make out the blood dripping from his nose, and onto the ground. The blood in his ears, leaving them clogged. As if on cue, the sharp pain in his chest made an appearance. Buck’s eyes widened, reaching up to feel the blood, bringing his hand back to confirm that he was bleeding from his nose. As Buck focused on himself again he could feel the terror he felt the day Bobby died. But for a completely different reason. What if that was all a dream, and this is what actually happened? What if he’s in another weird coma dream? It would make sense. Why else would everyone be acting strange? Barely speaking to him, unless they were on shift. The new found closeness between Hen and Eddie. Eddie would never do something like that to him right? I mean Buck and Eddie are like two peas in a pod. The most important thing in each other's lives besides Chris. Eddie wouldn’t push Buck to the sidelines. None of it was real. Bobby was still alive. Buck and Eddie were still best friends. But does that mean Eddie never came back from Texas with Chris? So many questions floating around in his brain, but at least he knew it wasn’t real. Even if he was dying at least Bobby was alive right?
“Wrong.” It’s as if the other version knew what he was thinking. Could hear his thoughts.
“What?” The shadow smiles, as Buck’s breath gets raggedy.
“You think this is all some kind of dream. Like the first time you died.” Buck tried to push away the pain in his chest. If this wasn’t real that means it’s not gonna kill him. He’d be fine. They’d all be fine.
“Isn’t it? I mean I’m talking to myself. I’m in the lab Bobby 'supposedly died’ But none of it was real was it? I got hurt again, and this is just some weird coma dream like last time. I can get myself out of it, just like before. I just need to learn some sort of lesson.” Buck sucks in a breath when a sharp pain breaks through his chest. Worse than before. He puts a hand on the glass to steady himself, closing his eyes to take deep breaths. Repeating the same words in his head. ‘It’s okay. I’m okay. This isn’t real.’ When Buck looks back up the figure is gone.
“What did you learn last time?” The voice now coming from beside him. Buck jumps back startled, looking between the glass and the figure. Retaining his posture, Buck takes a deep breath.
“I learned that I couldn’t fix everything. That I needed to stop looking for things that were perfect, or ordinary just because everyone else had those kinds of things. Like the perfect family. Or the perfect girlfriend. I learned that it shouldn’t matter what everyone else thinks of me, it’s what I think of myself that’s gonna help me at the end of the day.” The shadow nods his head, taking a step towards Buck.
“And you think you learned that lesson?” Buck sighs in frustration.
“Yes. That’s how I got out.” The shadow nods again, taking another step closer.
“Then how come you stayed?” Buck takes a step back, turning on his heels before walking out. Like if he wandered far enough, he’d find the room where his body was being held.
“What do you mean?” The imposture follows, not falling a step behind.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. If this is some coma dream, then I can only think what you think.” Buck stays silent, moving just a little bit faster, searching rooms before finally he finds the stairs.
“Come on Evan.” He speaks his name like it’s poisonous. Like if he says it, he’ll get some sort of disease. Just like how his parents used to say it.
“If you really hate it here. Hate your job, why haven’t you left yet?” Buck takes the stairs two at a time, but instead of meeting the upper level, he’s met with road. Something familiar about it. It was now dark. Specs of fire still lit up the road, as Buck walked forward. Buck hardly falters in the change of scenery, just keeps walking down the path. There’s no one else here. Nothing out of the ordinary.
“I don’t hate it here. And the job is fine.” The shadow hums, trailing behind as if trying to get Buck to slow down and turn around.
“Really? Then why is it that ever since Bobby died, all you’ve done is complain about having to go into work, and face everyone. You say you don’t feel like a family anymore, but wasn’t that part of your whole road to self discovery 9 years ago? To find a place you belonged?” Buck shakes his head, before turning around to face the man.
“Bobby isn’t dead. This is all just some weird coma dream, and when I finally figure out how to get out of it, I’ll wake up and he’ll be there waiting next to me like he was last time. You’re the one who said it was a coma dream, you should know how it works.” But before Buck can turn back around, the shadow speaks up.
“I never said this was a coma dream. You said it was, so I just followed along with what you said. I only know what you know, or what you think.” Buck can’t let himself believe this isn’t a coma dream though. He can’t bring himself to even think of the possibility that Bobby might be dead. So he shakes his head, taking a step back, but still facing himself.
“No, I know what a coma dream feels like. This is definitely it. Trust me. Bobby is usually dead in my dreams like this.” Buck was so sure. He was so sure this was a coma dream. That he would find the lesson and wake up and Bobby would be there, telling him he needed to be more careful. He wanted so badly for it to be true. He’s gotten through it before, so he can do it again. But the shadow doesn’t seem to agree, looking past Buck out into the street.
“Did that happen in your coma dream last time?” Buck furrows his eyebrows in confusion, before turning his body to face the street. Once he did, he felt sick to his stomach. He had to push the bile down, as he stumbled forward. Once again repeating ‘no’ over and over again. He didn’t ever want to have to relive this day again. But apparently his mind had other plans.
“Not again.” Buck whispers as he stares at the firetruck in front of him. Laying on its side, and nothing seemed too wrong, until he finally realized why this street felt familiar, despite constantly avoiding it all the time. Because when he took a few more steps forward, he was met with his own screams ricocheting off the ladder truck, with him underneath it.
“No.”