Chapter Text
Mu Qingfang has not been to see Shen Qingqiu since his outburst. Mu Qingfang has to admit that he hadn’t realized how hard they had all been pushing until Shen Qingqiu reached his breaking point. He should have known better, he can still remember the days when this Shixiong of his refused to even step foot on Qian Cao peak. He had gotten used to the slightly less prickly version of Shen Qingqiu, who merely avoided Qian Cao peak out of stubbornness.
Hopefully, giving Shen-shixiong some space for a while will help.
Matters of the heart are rarely simple, especially ones so seemingly deep-seated as Shen Qingqiu’s. And Mu Qingfang is wary of worsening the situation once again.
Which is why, when he sees Shang Qinghua heading over the Rainbow Bridge from the direction of Qing Jing peak, seemingly in a good mood, he is immediately curious.
“Shang-shixiong! This one could not help but notice Shixiong is leaving Qing Jing peak this morning. Did Shixiong have a chance to visit Shen Qingqiu? How did Shen-shixiong seem to be doing?”
“Ah! Mu-shidi! Um, I’m not sure I should be– Shen-shixiong seemed okay? He could be better, but he doesn’t really want us to make a big deal out of it. Um, don’t tell him I said that.”
“Of course, Shang-shixiong.”
“Thanking Shidi!” Shang Qinghua fiddles a bit with the package in his hands. He seems to have more to say.
Mu Qingfang smiles encouragingly. Shang Qinghua likes to fill silences; if he waits long enough…
“I don’t think he’s doing super well,” Shang Qinghua says in a hurry. “But I don’t think he knows how to ask for help! Shen Qingqiu doesn’t like to feel like he needs help, it’s like he thinks it makes him weak or something, which is stupid! We’re martial siblings, we should be helping each other, but I guess it’s just hard for him to admit to it, as if this whole thing isn’t supremely–”
Shang Qinghua rants, limbs flailing haphazardly, and Mu Qingfang is perfectly happy to just let him talk until he runs out of words or until he realizes, whichever comes first.
Well-practiced in the art of letting his patients talk themselves into a corner, Mu Qingfang keeps smiling and nodding politely, making little encouraging sounds.
“–need help after this, but nooo, Shen Qingqiu is perfectly fine, he says, but it’s not like anyone would judge him! Especially not Yue Qingyuan! But he just assumes we’re judging him or something or he thinks we’re like laughing behind his back and Mu-shidi–”
His flailing abruptly stops as he seems to suddenly remember that he has an attentive audience.
He slowly turns to stare at Mu Qingfang’s patient smile. Realization seems to dawn on him as he thinks about everything he just blurted out. He tears up.
“Shidi,” he says, betrayal in his voice, “Shidi, how could you? Why didn’t you stop me?”
“Hmm? This master is not sure what Shixiong is referring to? This one was merely lending a helpful ear to ease Shixiong’s woes.”
“Shen Qingqiu is going to murder me in my sleep. Shidi, is this what you wanted? How did I not know Shidi was so devious? I trusted you.” Shang Qinghua whispers to himself, despair suffusing his words. “Please, Shidi, please don’t tell him what I said. He can’t know I blabbed. We just had a bonding moment, you can’t let him murder me now, Shidi, please.” Shang Qinghua pleads.
Mu Qingfang chuckles lightly in answer: “Ah, Shixiong has no need to worry, this one will not tell anyone of the discussion we had today. This Shidi is simply glad to be of help. Of course, if you have anything more you would like to share, this Shidi would welcome any additional information with open arms.”
“Ahaha… No-no, this one does not have any other information! None at all! In fact, this one was probably wrong about everything he said before and would like anything stricken from the record!” Shang Qinghua slowly backs away from him, looking ready to bolt at any second.
“Hmm, is Shixiong certain? It would be a shame if this Shidi had to ask Shen-shixiong himself and felt the need to provide context as to where he obtained his information.”
“Shidi…” Shang Qinghua looks to be on the verge of tears. Mu Qingfang simply keeps smiling at him. Difficult cases sometimes require sacrifices. “Shidi, what did I do to you?”
Mu Qingfang extends a hand toward Shang Qinghua, gently herding him back to Qian Cao peak.
“Nothing, Shixiong, this one merely saw an opportunity and took it.”
He has some soothing tea on his peak, the least he can do is offer some to his poor, overwrought Shixiong.
“It’s the smile, I should have known, that smile hides pure evil, it’s the same thing Zhangmen-shixiong does when the budget is late. It’s the evil smile. Shen-shixiong too, it’s spreading.” Shang Qinghua continues mumbling nonsense as he stumbles along.
“Yes, yes, Shixiong. Absolutely evil. This one will apologize later.”
“Evil, they’re all evil. How are demons evil, when my own martial siblings–”
---
They share the food Shen Qingqiu’s disciple prepared. It is absolutely delicious and goes a long way toward restoring Shang Qinghua’s good mood. He may have to properly apologize to Shang Qinghua later.
---
They were definitely too insistent previously. Even Shang Qinghua, for all his closeness with Shen Qingqiu, seemed to have trouble getting through to him.
This will require much more patience than Mu Qingfang previously expected. And much more tenaciousness.
He stands in front of the bamboo house a few days later, waiting for Shen Qingqiu to answer the door.
Eventually, Shen Qingqiu opens the door. He takes one look at Mu Qingfang’s smiling face and slams the door shut with a resounding “No”.
“If this is an inconvenient time, this one will return another day, Shixiong.” Mu Qingfang calls out through the door, smile still firmly in place.
“Go away, this master wants nothing to do with Shidi when he has that scheming look on his face.”
Well, that is quite unwarranted. And quite hypocritical of Shen Qingqiu, really.
“I will see you later then, Shixiong!” He responds and turns away cheerily.
---
“Good morning, Shixiong!”
“Go. Away.”
“Ah, I see today is not a good day either, not to worry, this shidi will be back later.”
A frustrated scream accompanies him on his way out.
And yet, he seems in higher spirits than previously.
---
“Leave me alone, Mu– Oh, Liu-shidi, it’s you.” He narrows his eyes at him. “Did you come here to make a mess of my peak again?”
Liu Qingge has the decency to look somewhat embarrassed.
“No. Shang Qinghua said to leave the creature at the kitchens. I came to let you know.”
“… Hmm, a rare display of intelligence.” He grumbles. “Thanking Liu-shidi.”
Liu Qingge makes no move to leave.
“… was there something else, Shidi?” Shen Qingqiu quirks an eyebrow at him, surprised to see him still here.
Liu Qingge seems to debate with himself for a moment, before saying, “Shang Qinghua said you would like some company, but to check with you first.”
“I see.”
They stare at each other for a few moments.
“So.” Liu Qingge speaks up again. He crosses his arms and looks away. “Do you. Want company?”
“…” Surprisingly, Shen Qingqiu finds that some company would not be. Wholly unwelcome. “…Yes, alright. Please come in, Shidi.”
The familiar rhythms of tea preparation are soothing and Liu Qingge makes for surprisingly pleasant company, content to sit in silence.
It’s… nice.
Shang Qinghua might, surprisingly, have a point about company.
---
“Mu-shidi.” Shen Qingqiu greets soberly.
“Shen-shixiong, how are you today?”
“… well enough.”
The break in their recent rhythm seems to concern Mu Qingfang.
“Shixiong?”
“What do you want, Mu Qingfang. In truth.” He is still so tired, but, somewhere, he wants the help, he wants to believe that his martial siblings want to help.
Mu Qingfang’s steadfast smile drops and his expression turns serious.
“… nothing but to ensure that Shixiong is truly well, this one swears. This Shidi would like to apologize for previously being overly insistent.” He bows. “He was worried that Shixiong would hide from us until something truly grave happened and he made Shixiong uncomfortable in his worry. It was not this master’s intention. This Shidi is ready to wait until Shixiong is willing to share this time, but he will still insist on checking in regularly.”
He straightens and stares straight into Shen Qingqiu’s eyes, painfully earnest.
“… alright.”
“Alright?” Mu Qingfang looks hopeful.
“Yes, don’t make this master repeat himself, Mu-shidi.” Shen Qingqiu, uncomfortable, hides behind his fan. “He might still change his mind.”
A light chuckle. Somehow, not mocking, just… good-humored. “This master would never, Shixiong. Now, how is Shixiong doing today?”
“… better. This master had tea with Liu Qingge a few days ago. He made for–” He grits out the rest of the sentence. “–pleasant company. I guess.”
“That’s good, Shixiong, this master is glad to hear it! And might this Shidi come in today?”
“… not today, Mu-shidi. Next time. Next time.”
“That is perfectly fine, Shidi will see you again.”
“… yes, thanking Mu-Shidi for his care.”
“It is only what this one should do, Shixiong.”
---
Two months since his collapse. A month since his outburst. A week since he started taking visitors again.
A knock at the door.
Shen Qingqiu opens it to find Yue Qingyuan standing there, looking like he wants to be anywhere else.
“Good morning, Qingqiu-shidi. How is Shidi today?”
“Well enough. Although this master is starting to think certain martial siblings of his have nothing better to do than to bother him every day.”
If anything, Yue Qingyuan looks even more uncomfortable than before.
“Ah, yes.” He stares at his feet. “This one has heard much from our martial siblings, but not much from Shidi himself.”
“Yes, Yue Qingyuan is as practiced at avoiding difficult conversations as ever.”
Yue Qingyuan flinches at his words and looks away. Shen Qingqiu feels a rush of guilt overtake him.
“Ah, yes, apologies for not–”
Shen Qingqiu interrupts him, now looking away himself.
“No, Zhangmen-shixiong has no need to apologize. It was this master who was in the wrong. We both– Neither of us has ever been adept at difficult conversations.” Shen Qingqiu smiles bitterly at him. “The fault does not lie solely with Shixiong, this one could have taken the first step just as well. And it was this one who–”
“No.” He shakes his head emphatically and stares straight at Shen Qingqiu, intense and intent. “I should have come sooner. We both know what my hesitation cost us last time and I should not have risked it a second time. Qi-ge should have come to see you sooner, he should not have retreated so easily. Qi-ge knows his Qingqiu-shidi well, he should have known better. Please forgive me.”
Shen Qingqiu finds his gaze held in place and, flustered, stammers out, “W-well. Good!” He can practically feel himself reverting to old, long-abandoned, childhood habits. “Qi– Yue Qingyuan is not forgiven yet, but this one will consider it!”
Yue Qingyuan laughs affectionately in response, stepping forward and crowding Shen Qingqiu. “Qi-ge will do his best to earn Qingqiu-shidi’s forgiveness, if you will allow him to.”
Shen Qingqiu instinctively takes a step back and hides his face behind his ever-faithful fan. His face feels warm and he finds himself on the back foot. Yue Qingyuan slips in in the space left behind and enters the bamboo house, closing the door behind himself.
The audacity! Shen Qingqiu gives him a well-deserved slap on the shoulder with his fan and storms off, yelling, “You-you– I haven’t forgiven you yet! Don’t think you can just do whatever you want, stupid Qi-ge! Just sit down and don’t make a mess!”
He takes a moment in the kitchen to breathe.
Yue Qingyuan, as always, has a way of bringing out the pettiest, meanest, most childish parts of him to the forefront. Shen Qingqiu clings to his composure by the skin of his teeth, desperate to be the lofty, unattainable peak lord he wants to be.
Accept it, a voice that sounds suspiciously like Shang Qinghua echoes in his head. Accept that you can be yourself with him.
Damn Airplane, he’s been spending too much time with that hack if he’s remembering his damned advice unprompted.
This stinks of his well-meaning, unwanted, unnecessary involvement.
Pettily, he gathers his cheapest tea set onto a tray and stomps back to the receiving room.
“Here.” He slams the tea tray down, cups clinking dangerously against each other. “Now, why are you here? Did Mu Qingfang put you up to this? Shang Qinghua? Definitely not the Brute, he doesn’t know anything other than how to leave bloody trophies on my peak like a feral cat.”
“Shang Qinghua came to see me a few days ago.”
“Of course he did.”
“Shang-shidi… made me realize that I absolutely could not allow things to go back to how they were.”
“Shang-shidi should mind his own affairs instead of interfering in those of others,” Shen Qingqiu grumbles.
Yue Qingyuan chuckles, low and fond. “And yet, Shidi made a good point. This one does not want things to go back to how they were, when Qingqiu-shidi could barely bear to look at him, could barely tolerate his presence for longer than a handful of words.” Yue Qingyuan states.
“Qingqiu-shidi,” Yue Qingyuan continues, “I am very sorry for not coming to see you earlier. This one… wanted to give you space, after how things went previously. When I heard you were unwell, I wanted to come to you right away, but–”
He stops, looking away in shame.
“I was overzealous. I feared losing you. I feared losing the rapport we had started building again in previous years. I feared that you would turn me away, that you would want nothing to do with me anymore, that I had maybe lost you again, for good this time. I was scared. I was foolish and I was scared. Qi-ge is sorry, Qingqiu-shidi.”
Shen Qingqiu feels distant, staring down at Yue Qingyuan across the table. He feels- disconnected.
“Did you… prefer that version of me?” The words slip out of his mouth, unbidden. “The one who looked at you with no knowledge of our shared past, the one who got along with Liu-shidi, the one who made scathing remarks, but never disdained anyone? Was it– Was that a better version of me, a more desirable version of me?”
He looks straight ahead, unseeing. He doesn’t want to know what Yue Qingyuan answers and yet he needs to know. He needs to know if he was – which of him was – the lesser version.
“No!” Yue Qingyuan almost launches himself out of his seat in his haste to deny it. It’s a cold comfort. “Never, Qingqiu! Qi-ge– Qi-ge loves every version of you. Qi-ge was happy that Qingqiu seemed happier as that version, more settled. But he deeply missed his Xiao Jiu, the one who knew him inside and out, who knew everything about his Qi-ge. Even if- even… if that version of you hated every fiber of my being, Qi-ge missed him horribly. The day you first spoke to me with no animosity in your voice, I feared I’d lost you. I feared you were gone. Qingqiu, I–”
“THEN WHY DID HE GET THE TRUTH AND NOT ME!” A fire erupts within his chest, burning away the cold indifference. Words that he had kept buried for so long, finally coming to light. “Why did you tell that version of me the truth after all these years! What if I’d never remembered! Would you have been content to have confessed your sins to an impostor? A man wearing my face but bearing no connection to you? Would that have assuaged your guilt?”
“Xiao Jiu–” Yue Qingyuan looks lost, looks– scared?
“Don’t!” Not right now. Not– Not right now, he can’t–
“Qingqiu, no. I just– I thought–”
“You thought you were dying!” Because of a mistake he had never told him about, something he might not have found out about until it was too late! “And you decided to give your last confession to a stranger wearing my face!”
“No! No, it was still you, Qingqiu! I could see it every day! In your habits, in your demeanor, in your arts! It was still you! I thought, perhaps, you would someday remember and I did not want to leave you without the truth, if-if I were gone! Please, Qingqiu, please believe me. I just–” Yue Qingyuan is pleading with him now, practically begging him to believe him, to accept his words as truth. And there is nothing Shen Qingqiu wants more than for them to be true but part of him aches, wants to lash out and hurt in turn…
Shen Qingqiu’s eyes burn with unshed tears.
“And if I hadn’t been near you when it happened? You would have left me with no way to know! I would have– Why didn’t you just tell me all those times I asked you?! Why couldn’t you have told me earlier? Why did I spend all those years filled with so much resentment and so much hatred and-and disgust! Did you not care what was happening with-with me? Did you not see how I–”
Something warm slides down the side of his face.
Yue Qingyuan doesn’t even bother getting up, just shuffles around the table on his knees, uncaring of the soft, expensive silk of his robes, and rushes over to Shen Qingqiu’s side, engulfing him in a tight embrace. Shen Qingqiu automatically wraps himself around him just as tightly and buries his face into his neck, long-forgotten habits guiding his movements.
“Qingqiu, Qingqiu,” Yue Qingyuan squeezes him tighter. “Qi-ge is so sorry. It’s all my fault, I was scared, I-I didn’t feel like I had any right to forgiveness. I thought I deserved your scorn, that I should just accept it. I should have told you, I should have. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Xiao Jiu, I’m so sorry.”
An old scarred-over wound bleeds anew, yet it feels like healing rather than bleeding out. Sobs tear their way out of his throat and spill out into Yue Qingyuan’s welcoming arms.
“Qi-ge is an idiot!” He cries into Yue Qingyuan’s silken robes. “This is why he needs Xiao Jiu around, to talk some sense into him! If you ever try to hide something like this from me again, I definitely won’t forgive you!”
“Yes, Qi-ge is completely useless without his Xiao Jiu. Qi-ge will tell Xiao Jiu everything in the future, he’s learned his lesson fully.” Yue Qingyuan’s voice is thick, rough, but filled with joy and relief. “Please, Xiao Jiu, please never leave me again. I’m so glad you’re back, Xiao Jiu, I missed you. I missed you so much.”
They cling onto each other, Xiao Jiu and Qi-ge finally reunited in truth.
---
Nothing is easy in the aftermath, but it is better. There is a new equilibrium to be found; for Shen Qingqiu, for Qi-ge, for his martial siblings.
Shen Qingqiu takes slow steps out from the safety of the little cocoon he’s made of the bamboo house. A little farther each day, a little steadier.
He settles back into his skin, little by little, day by day.