Chapter Text
Gakushuu didn’t get angry at Karma when he told him how badly he fucked up. He just had this tight expression on his face- his jaw tensed, his eyes twitched. He paused for a long time before he spoke.
“He still doesn’t have any real evidence.” Gakushuu says, tersely, gripping his book a little tighter. “We’ll figure it out.”
That made Karma feel worse- he wished Gakushuu had been furious, he wished the other had thrown everything off the desk and started yelling, telling Karma he was a fuck-up, that he had ruined everything. Gakushuu should have hit him, spat at him, even, choked the life out of him.
Karma didn’t deserve Gakushuu’s patience.
The two of them were in the student council room. Karma had wasted as little time as possible telling Gakushuu about the police interview. It was important they were on the same page, always- that Bastard Karasuma could strike at any time.
Karma half expected the guy to burst in and demand Gakushuu come with him for questioning right in that instance, but he didn’t. He didn’t call Gakushuu for the rest of the day, nor the rest of the week. The more time that went by, the higher the tension was rising. The days and weeks bleed into each other, all defined by that ever-present fear that any moment could be the last time they’re free.
The threat of being caught seemed closer than ever, it hung over them always, so near it was almost palpable, a visible black cloud perpetually floating nearby. The Threat seemed to wedge itself between them, tainting nearly every interaction.
They were bickering more, about stupid things. Issues that should be nothing seem to grate more closely to the nerve- Gakushuu didn’t reply to a text fast enough, Karma skipped a class again- all turned into a stupid circular argument. Karma wondered if perhaps, subconsciously they were trying to distract themselves. Maybe it was a way to channel the things they were really angry about but didn’t want to address. There was no way Gakushuu wasn’t at least a bit pissed about how badly Karma had fucked up with the detective.
Sometimes, he and Gakushuu would forget just for a moment. They would be studying together, or laughing about something stupid, or cuddling together on the sofa, and for a moment everything would feel okay. Then, Karma would remember that their lives could be over at any time and it was all his own fault.
Both of them were jumpy now, and a sense of paranoia was overtaking both of them. Karma is convinced he’s being followed, he searches the faces of strangers he passes, trying to see if he recognises them from the police department. Gakushuu gets preoccupied with things being bugged. Now, as much as they can help it, they only speak about the secret stuff in low voices and their phones out of the room with the taps running.
Neither are sure if they’re taking reasonable precautions or if the paranoia has evolved to a type of madness.
School in the worst. A few days after Karma’s interview, Detective Karasuma and the Chief concluded questioning at the school and vacated the office they had taken over. The investigation clearly wasn’t over though, occasionally Karma would see another officer in the corridors heading towards the principles office and he had to pretend not to react when his mind was
screaming.
The two of them planned incessantly for any future interrogations, driving themselves crazy by trying to predict any and every question.
Karma wakes in the middle of the night, that now ever-present sense of low-level panic hitting him immediately, he rolls over, drawn to the warmth next to him, and wraps his arms around Gakushuu, holding him close, trying to ground himself. The other stirs but doesn’t wake.
If someone had told Karma a year ago that he’d be cuddling in bed with Gakushuu Asano he would have thought that person was smoking crack.
The only consolation in all this, was at least Gakushuu was going through this with him. At least Karma wasn’t alone, at least the person he loved was in the same boat as him.
Except, they weren’t in the same boat, not really. If the full truth came out, it would be Karma who would be condemned, not Gakushuu. Heck, Karma could take the full blame for hiding the body as well.
Gakushuu didn’t need to live like this. He could throw Karma under the bus and be free. After how badly he had fucked up, Karma wouldn’t blame him.
Karma listened to Gakushuu’s deep breathing and pressed himself closer to him. Even with this proximity, Karma’s heart still thundered and his mind still raced with thoughts of his arrest. He was beginning to wonder if living with this fear was really so much better than being in prison.
Nagisa had contemplated all week on if he should say something.
It really wasn’t any of his business, not anymore, but ever since his interview with detective Karasuma, there was an uncomfortable nagging in the back of his mind that he couldn’t quite silence.
Karma seemed off recently. Not in an obvious way- people who didn’t know him well wouldn’t pick up on it. But Nagisa did. He saw the distant look in Karma’s eyes, different from his usual daydreaming, he noticed the hyper-vigilance, how Karma’s gaze was almost always trained at the door, as if expecting some attacker to burst in at any moment.
Nagisa reminded himself repeatedly that it was nothing to do with him, that there was no point in wild speculation. He promised himself he wouldn’t say anything.
Then, the stupid teacher put both he and Karma on after school clean-up duty and the moment the others had left the classroom and they were alone together, the words spilled out of Nagisa’s mouth
“Do you have something to do with the Ryouda thing?” It came out far more bluntly than Nagisa intended. He clarified. “Or do the police think that you do?”
Karma tightened his grip on the broom handle, his mouth falling slightly ajar. “What kind of question is that?” Karma asked. He narrowed his eyes, giving a grin that didn’t look quite right. “What, do you think I’ve got Ryouda hidden in my basement or something?”
“Do you even have a basement?” Nagisa asked.
“Yeah, and it’s full of kidnapped classmates.” Karma deadpanned. He was joking, but there was something harsh and emotional behind his tone. “Seriously, Nagisa. I know I’ve not exactly been the most morally scrupulous person. Especially not recently. But do you really think I’m capable of something like that? Like making someone disappear?”
Perhaps Karma had intended it to sound rhetorical, but it didn’t. He was genuinly asking. He truly wanted to know what Nagisa thought.
Nagisa glanced down at the floor, feeling distinctly like he had opened a can of worms he wasn’t prepared for.
“Look, I’m not saying you /did/ anything.” Nagisa said. “But when the police spoke to me all they seemed to want to know was what I knew about you and Gakushuu, so at the very least, they must think that’s relevant.”
They hadn’t been the only seemingly random questions Nagisa had been asked during his interrogation, but Nagisa was perceptive. He knew it was the topic that Detective Karasuma had been most interested in.
“What sort of questions?” Karma asked tensely.
“Like if you cheated on me, how long the two of you had been together, what your relationship was like. Stuff like that.” Nagisa said. “It was weird. Why is that stuff relevant to Ryouda’s disappearance.”
“How should I know?” Karma said, irritable, defensive. “Detective Karasuma is crazy, clearly. I’ve got nothing to do with Ryouda. You must know that.”
“Right.” Nagisa said.
A silence descended between them, and both of them faced the other way, focusing on sweeping their respective corners. Nagisa used to know Karma better than anyone, but her hardly understood this person the other had become. Karma being involved in Ryouda’s disappearance somehow was absurd and yet, and yet.
“Remember when Fujiwara attacked me?” Nagisa spoke aloud, Karma glanced at him from over his shoulder.
“How could I forget?”
“The goons helping him were Ryouda’s friends.” Nagisa stared. Karma shrugged.
“So?”
“Don’t you find that weird?” Nagisa prompted, unable to help himself, he started spilling the ruminations he had been having for the past few days. “I mean, Fujiwara wasn’t exactly popular. Ryouda used to bully him. But his friends helped Fujiwara get revenge against me. What was Ryouda getting in return for that?”
“I don’t know. Help with his homework or something? Who cares?” Karma snarled. Nagisa couldn’t stop now though.
“- The person Ryouda wanted revenge against was Gakushuu. The thing with Fujiwara happened not long before Ryouda disappeared. Then Gakushuu got injured around that time- “
“Who said Gakushuu was injured?”
“He wasn’t in PE for weeks and I don’t know, he seemed hurt, maybe. Are you telling me I’m wrong?” Nagisa said. “And- then I can tell there’s something off with you and Ren and Gakushuu where arguing the other week- “
“Stop looking for links that aren’t there.” Karma snapped “You’re worse than that damned detective Karasuma!”
“- I wasn’t. I was just thinking aloud.”
“Have you been thinking aloud to anybody else?” Karma asked, sounding worried. “Who else have you been sharing your theorie. with.”
“Nobody.” Nagisa said quickly. “Look, I’m not trying to get you into trouble or anything, I just- “
Just what? Why had Nagisa brought this up in the first place? Perhaps he wanted some sort of reassurance that he was being ridiculous; that the connections he was making were absurd. Unfortunately, Karma’s reaction was making that crazy hunch seem more and more of a possibility. He badly wished he had left this can of worms unopened.
Despite everything, he did still care for Karma. Even though their relationship had crashed and burned, the bond from being best friends for nearly seven years doesn’t just disappear over night. He didn’t want Karma to be in any sort of trouble. Nagisa was torn between wanting to help him and wanting to protect his own peace.
“Look. Nagisa. Just leave it. Please.” Karma said to him, running a hand through red hair. “I’m used to always being assumed to be the culprit when bad stuff happens, but not from you. I don’t need Karasuma to have any more bullshit reasons to try and pin it on me or whatever.”
Nagisa felt a stab of guilt, his stomach twisting. “That’s not what I meant.” He said in a quiet voice, before adding. “I’m not going to say anything to anyone.”
Silence again, heavy and awkward, the only sound was the sweep of the brush and the clacking of chairs being moved.
“I’m done.” Karma said. It took Nagisa a second to realise he was talking about tidying the classroom. “I’ll catch you later, I guess. I’m off to feed the captives in my basement.”
Nagisa forced a laugh, although Karma’s attempt at humour sounded more bitter than lighthearted and hadn’t really landed. Nagisa was once again frozen in indecision, unable to decide on if he was being ridiculous or not.
“I’m sorry.” Nagisa said, finally looking over at the other. “For making it weird.”
Karma gave him a half smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “It’s fine.” He said, going for the exit. He paused in the doorway, deliberating for a moment before speaking. “By the way. You didn’t answer the first time- do you actually think I’m capable of something like that?”
It definitely wasn’t theoretical this time. Nagisa met his gaze for a moment, almost overwhelmed by the intensity of the amber. Did he? Karma had always been violent and impulsive and vindictive, sure, but did Nagisa believe him capable of making someone disappear- whatever that entails?
His first reaction was no, but Karma had done a lot of things this year that Nagisa didn’t think he was capable of. In the end, he could only give a truthful response.
“I don’t know.” Nagisa admitted.
Karma didn’t say anything. He just gave Nagisa once last lingering gaze and walked from the room.
‘I’m sorry! They needed to know where I was- I didn’t have a choice
Gakushuu cringed at his own voice crackling through the laptop speakers. He sounded pathetic and whiny, which of course, was all part of the act when he was being interrogated, but it was still uncomfortable hearing himself like that.
His father peered at him from his desk, looking nothing less than amused. Gakushuu struggled to recall a time that being called to the Chairman’s office had been a positive experience, but this time it was painful in a rather novel way.
His father had decided that the two of them should review the tape recordings of his interrogation, which of course the Chairman had managed to get his hands on, because he was a manipulative bastard who always seemed to get his own way.
“I’m sure you’ve already listened to this in full.” Gakushuu said. “There’s no need to waste both our time reiterating it.”
The Chairman’s grin widened. “But this is my favourite part.” He said, turning the volume up.
“Baby, please. I didn’t want to hurt you. That’s the last thing I ever wanted- please, you have to understand. Please Kaede-Bear.”
Gakushuu squirmed on the spot, feeling his face heat up. The idiot act had all been part of the plan, he had to sound cringey in order to sell the bit from Karasuma. But still- hearing himself that way was embarrassing, listening to it with the Chairman was beyond mortifying.
“What’s wrong? I believe it was a rather convincing performance.” His father said, eyes alight with sadistic glee. “You have a real talent for acting a fool. Who knew?”
“Is there any point to this?” Gakushuu snapped.
“There is always a benefit to reviewing one’s performances.” The Chairman said. “If you continue to talk over it, we’ll have no choice but to start from the beginning.”
Gakushuu snapped his mouth shut, glaring at the man as Kayano’s voice echoed through the speaker.
“But not special enough to officially be your girlfriend? Not special enough to be publicly together? Playing with a girl’s heart. Now that should be a crime.”
“And she’s quite the little actress too. Kayano Kaede, was it?” The Chairman said. Gakushuu felt uncomfortable hearing her name in his mouth. Recent events had taught him that the Chairman was a dangerous presence for anyone he cared about. Not that he particularly cared for Kayano, okay? But the girl had been a useful ally.
“She’s serviceable.” Gakushuu said.
“She’s a valuable asset. How did you manage to convince her to be your alibi?” The Chairman asked. Gakushuu weighed up his options- if the Chairman figured out just how conniving Kayano was, it could lead to more trouble for her.
“She wasn’t acting. We really did go to a Love Hotel.” Gakushuu said, deciding to obfuscate the truth. “She’s had a crush on me for a long time. It was rationale to make use of that.”
The Chairman regarded him, for a moment with that calculating gaze of his, the one that always made Gakushuu feel like a specimen under a microscope.
“Well. I do hope you’re being careful.” The Chairman said. “I don’t think I’m quite ready to be a Grandfather.”
Gakushuu tried not to choke on air. “That- that won’t be an issue.” He assured quickly.
“It seems Akabane is a rather lenient partner in that regard- “
Gakushuu didn’t even honour that with a response. The Chairman was probably delighted by any cracks in their relationship. Let him think Gakushuu was unfaithful.
“It would break your mother’s heart if you were to become a teen Dad- “
“I’ll reiterate; that is not a possibility.”
“Fatherhood is a curse, Asano. You should delay it as long as possible.” The Chairman said, now completely serious. Gakushuu wasn’t offended, not really, he knew his father’s feelings towards him floated between indifference and hatred. As always though, he was taken by surprise by the Chairman saying anything close to personal.
“Aren’t there any perks to having your own little punching bag?” Gakushuu snarked. It was a joke, supposed to be anyway, but Gakushuu felt an uncomfortable twist to his stomach. Talking about treating his own hypothetical son the way his father treated him, even in jest, made him feel guilty somehow. Wrong. Silently he promised himself that if he did somehow end up being a Dad one day that he would never, ever be like the Chairman.
“I’m terrible, aren’t I?” The Chairman said, not an ounce of repentance in his tone. “Is that why you’ve been seeing the counsellor? To talk about how terrible I am?”
If he were a weaker person, Gakushuu may of flinched. He may of let the flurry of panic show on his face. But Gakushuu didn’t allow his expression to change a fraction even as his heart started to race.
He had tried his best to be careful, but he knew the Chairman finding out he was going to therapy was a possibility.
Aside from his own pride, it was one of the biggest deterrent’s to Gakushuu going. Gakushuu honestly wished he didn’t have to, walking into Ms Tamura’s office felt demeaning every time and those stupid breathing exercises were like a humiliation ritual. Yes. Okay. They had actually been a bit helpful a few times, but still.
“It’s useful to have contingencies.” Gakushuu said, starting the explanation he’d rehearsed many times in his head. “If by some terrible stroke of luck the police are able to tie me to the unfortunate incident with Ryouda it may be helpful to have the means to play the victim card, so to speak.”
“Play?” The Chairman repeated, voice cruel and high. “You’d just be playing at being a victim?”
The implication was clear. Gakushuu tried not to notice the way his skin prickled, the hot shame burning in his stomach. He fucking hated that word. Hated that it could be applied to himself-
Victim, Victim, Victim.
He couldn’t crumble. That would only prove the Chairman right.
“Yes.” He said, giving an icy grin that mirrored his father’s. “If that’s what it takes to win.”
“I never have so-called contingency plans.” The Chairman said. “I never have to. Being strong means getting things right the first time. Always. A back up plan is admitting to failure.”
“You’re right. I shouldn’t come up with a plan B. If it all goes wrong I’ll just take your car and drive it off the side of the mountain.” Gakushuu said, brightly.
He took a small measure of satisfaction in the way the Chairman’s eyebrow twitched. He really should learn to bite his tongue more- today, the Chairman was calm, another time, a remark like that could get him sent to the hospital.
“If only your fighting ability was as sharp as your tongue. You wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.” The Chairman said. “You’ve been focusing on self defence in karate as instructed.”
“Yes.” Gakushuu said through gritted teeth. “Now, if that’s all- “
He’d really had just about as much of this man as he could stand. The Chairman shook his head and smiled.
“Come now. We’re only halfway through.” He said, pressing play on the recording. Gakushuu suppressed a shudder as he was once again forced to hear his own voice.
One could never accuse the Chairman of being uncreative with his methods of torture.
Karma couldn’t really pinpoint where the argument started. It didn’t really have a beginning, so to speak, it just felt like he and Gakushuu had been having one long intermittent bickering session all week.
It was Karma, leaving the living room a mess I know it’s your house but why can’t you at least leave it liveable then Gakushuu pushing himself too hard at all the stupid sports he was suddenly doing again now his ribs were healed Is Karate and Judo in the same week really necessary? Rugby? Seriously? You want to break your bones again that badly? then it was another stupid thing, then something else.
All this to say, Karma wasn’t even really keeping track of what they were actually arguing about when he suddenly blurted out.
“I think I should just confess.”
Gakushuu stared at him, immediately forgetting about whatever it was they were bickering about. The words hung heavy in the air. For a moment, the two of them were just stayed frozen there in the kitchen. The pot of stew Karma had been tending to bubbled and hissed. Neither paid it any mind.
“What?” Gakushuu said, faintly, before repeating in a harsher tone. “What are you talking about?”
“The murder. I think I should just confess to it.” Karma said. It felt like, unconsciously, this was the thing he had been wanting to say for weeks and he just hadn’t realised it, now it was out he couldn’t stop it.
Gakushuu stared at him in disbelief. He placed the plate he had been drying gently down on the countertop, as if it was taking all his restraint not to smash it.
“Are you drunk? Why would we do that- “
“Not ‘we’, ‘I’. Just me.” Karma clarified. “I’ll tell them it was all me- “
“Once again, Karma.” Gakushuu said, his voice low and dangerous, his eyes narrowed. “Why?”
“They’re going to arrest me anyway- “
“- We don’t know that.”
“If Nagisa’s figured it out, basically, it’s only a matter of time before the police do.”
“They don’t even have any evidence.”
“Yet.” Karma said. “They could find some. Look, if I confess at least I can lead the narrative. At least it’ll be within my control- “
“If you confess you’ll go to prison. You’ll have literally no control over anything there. Is that what you want? To go to prison?”
“This is a prison.” Karma said. “This paranoia. This waiting to be caught. I can’t- I just can’t live like this. Every day, all day I’m just constantly on edge. I can’t take it. I feel like I’m loosing my fucking mind- I can’t- “
“You can, Karma. Just calm down. We’ll get through this- “
“I can’t. I can’t stand it. Not for another second.” In that moment, Karma didn’t care about how weak he sounded, how pathetic he may seem. The constant hyper vigilance of the past few weeks was like an endlessly uncomfortable shirt that he just had to wriggle out of. Now he had started to crack, everything came flowing out.
Gakushuu had to understand- this was impossible- Gakushuu had to tell him it was okay.
“No. You’re not confessing. That’s stupid.”
“Are you listening to me? I’m going crazy, Gakushuu. Actually fucking crazy.”
“Karma.” Gakushuu snapped. “For once in your life you need to sit with your discomfort.”
For some reason those words hit Karma hard. It was like a reprimand one would give to a naughty child.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Karma asked, affronted.
“It means you make stupid impulsive decisions sometimes when you’re trying to escape things and it just makes everything worse. Like when you stopped going to school or like- well you know.” Gakushuu cut himself off, sensing even in his anger that was going too far.
But Karma already knew what he was going to say. If he really sat and thought about it, he couldn’t probably predict how this whole argument was going to play out, he could map every turn. He and Gakushuu had come to know each other inside out- every unpleasant thought, every ugly crevice. It felt like they were following a predetermined path, and yet Karma was helpless to do anything but follow the route.
“Like what, Gakushuu?” Karma said. “What other stupid irrational decision are you referring to? You mean the time I almost attempted suicide, right?”
Gakushuu winced
“- Look, it doesn’t matter.“ Gakushuu said. “All that matters is that you don’t get yourself put in prison. Just trust me.”
“Because I can’t trust myself. Because I make stupid impulsive decisions. Because I’m the idiot who can’t control my emotions- “ Karma listed, walking closer to Gakushuu as he spoke.
“- Jesus Christ Karma, you’re impossible.” Gakushuu hissed. “That’s not what I’m saying- “
Karma knew he was being impossible. He knew he was picking at nothing. But he felt that if he didn’t release this gnawing frustration it would eat him alive. He was angry at Gakushuu for something he couldn’t quite articulate.
“No. You wouldn’t say that. You’re far too rationale and considered to say it.” Karma said.
“What the hell do you want from me, Karma?” Gakushuu asked, running a hand through his hair. It was longer than Karms ever recalled it being. He looked as though he had lost weight- his cheeks a little more pronounced, his eyes seemed bigger. Karma was sure that he had too, although he had been avoiding stepping on a scale. There were cracks across both of them.
“I want you to admit you’re mad at me!” Karma snapped. The words surprised even himself, once again, the depths of his subconscious was being regurgitated out. He could feel his pulse start to quicken. “I fucked up the police interview and you know it- stop pretending you aren’t mad about that- “
“I’m not mad.” Gakushuu said, his frown deepening.
“Liar- “
“What do you want me to do? Shout at you? Tell you off?” Gakushuu asked. “What’s the point in making you feel worse?”
Karma didn’t know. He really didn’t know what he wanted. He was like a caged Lion injuring itself by slamming its body repeatedly against the walls of its cage.The madness that had been simmering for weeks has finally boiled over. Everything felt hot.
“I just- I want you to be honest with me. I want you to tell me I fucked up instead of acting like I’m this fragile breakable thing that can’t hear the truth- “
“Fine. You fucked up. You’re one of the smartest people I know. You’re too smart to have fallen for Karasuma’s tricks.” Gakushuu spat out. “There, are you happy?”
“No!” Karma snapped, . “I told you I’m not. I can’t live like this- “
Gakushuu stepped closer to him and Karma felt warm pressure as the other wrapped his arms around him. Gakushuu never had been good at comforting- it felt more like the blond was holding him in place than giving Karma a hug. Perhaps that was what he was doing. Karma felt his skin prickle, his heart racing.
“I know it’s hard.” Gakushuu said in his ear. “I’m not saying it’s easy but we need to sit tight and wait for it to blow over. It’s hard for me too- “
Karma took the other’s forearms, pushed him back a step and held him there, studying his face. Gakushuu had never been the most expressive person, and the more stressed he was, the more he shut down, but Karma had come to learn how to read him- the way his jaw tensed when he was angry, or his eyes flicked to the side when nervous.
“It’s not the same.” Karma said to him, voice low and serious. “I’m not like you. I can’t just walk around with broken bones and the sword of fucking Damocles over my head and pretend everything is okay.”
“It’s just a matter of enduring- “
“Listen.” Karma hissed, his grip on Gakushuu’s arms tightening. He wanted to shake him. “I’m saying I can’t- “
“- Well you can’t throw your life away because you’re uncomfortable.” Gakushuu argued. “Just- think about it. You just need to calm down. I can get you a Valium-“
“No!” Karma said, enraged. “You can’t just feed me pills to shut me up- “
“That’s not what I’m doing!”
He let go of the other and started walking towards the door. Gakushuu grabbed his wrist.
“Where are you going?” He asked.
“- Out.” Karma growled. “Let go- “
“No. Not unless you promise you won’t go to the police- “
Gakushuu was gripping his arm tightly while Karma tried to push him away.
The two of them nearly wrestling down the hall, Gakushuu’s hands still clamped around Karma’s wrist tight.
“Let go- “
“No. Karma. I’m not going to let you do something so stupid. You need to think about this- “
“I said Let Go- “ Karma snarled. With his free hand he grabbed Gakushuu across his face, covering his mouth slamming him back into the wall. Karma just wanted him to shut up and stop telling him what to do.
Gakushuu let go of Karma’s wrist and shoved him, hard enough that Karma lost his footing in the cramped space in the hall. Karma grabbed Gakushuu by the collar and dragged him down with him.
They landed, a tangle of limbs, grabbing whatever they could, shoving away and dragging closer. There was a spark in Gakushuu’s eye and Karma knew he wanted to fight. Karma wanted the same. He could hear the blood roaring around his ears, adrenaline and pent-up rage surging around his body.
Karma raised an arm to strike when he heard something clattering in the kitchen. He turned his head quickly and saw the pan boiling over, the bubbling stew running down the sides of the countertop, knocking the lid off with it. The flames of the hob burned higher and they were dangerously close to catching the nearby tea towel.
“Shit.”
He and Gakushuu moved in unison, detangling themselves, the madness retreated as quickly as it had risen; Karma turned off the hob while Gakushuu grabbed a dishcloth to wipe the spilled stew.
Karma glanced at him. There were dark circles under his eyes, they matched Karma’s own. Karma wondered how many hours sleep they had gotten between them in the past week. Not very much, surely. Gakushuu looked up at him, with an expression something close to contrite. He was probably mustering up an apology for grabbing Karma. Now he wasn’t angry, Karma just felt a strange emptiness and a dull sense of foreboding.
Karma loved Gakushuu. And Gakushuu loved him. But still, they couldn’t help but tear each other apart. What was wrong with them?
Karma wanted to blame the situation, but really, they had been the same even before this. Their relationship had always been a constant battle between care and violence, love and hate. But all this stress and emotional isolation had just made things worse.
“Do you think we’ll get any better than this?” Karma asked, starting down at the now-ruined stew. Gakushuu looks at him, perhaps trying to think of something motivational to say.
“I don’t know.” He admits. His jaw tenses. “You won’t go to the police, will you?” He paused. “Please don’t go to the police.”
“That’s not fair.” Karma said, a faint smile growing on his face. “You know I can’t say no to you when you beg me- “
“Oh please. This isn’t begging. I don’t beg.” Gakushuu huffed. He caught Karma’s eye and the two of them laughed softly.
Oh fuck. Why couldn’t it always just be this? Karma wished he could carve out the nasty, wrathful part of himself, dissect it completely from his body and just leave the nice parts.
“I hate this.” Karma said. “Feeling like this. This situation. Everything.”
“Me too.” Gakushuu admitted. “Everything feels so claustrophobic- at school. Everywhere in this whole town. I feel like I’m being watched, always.”
“Do you think it will get better?” Karma asked.
“It has to.” Gakushuu replied resolutely. “It has to get better.”
Karma bit his lip. “I could get arrested. It could happen any time- “
Gakushuu opened his mouth to argue.
“I’m not saying I’m going to confess, okay.” Karma said. Now the adrenaline and worn off that seemed like a stupid idea. “But being caught is within the realms of possibility.”
“Sure. And I guess it’s technically possibly for it to rain frogs.” Gakushuu muttered. Karma restrained himself from arguing about the relatively statistical likelihood of himself being caught vs amphibians falling from the sky.
“If these are my last days or weeks of freedom or whatever I won’t want to spend it just locked up in the house driving myself crazy.” Karma said. “Driving each other crazy.”
“What do you propose as an alternative?” Gakushuu asked. He had finished wiping the countertop down, leaving it more immaculate than it was before.
“It’s winter break next week. Why don’t we do something? Go somewhere? Like a trip.” Karma suggested. It had been an idea he had been mulling over since they went to Hokkaido together, but he never thought Gakushuu would go for it; he was sure Gakushuu had a schedule chocked full of extra curricula’s and and studying and networking events. That wasn’t even accounting for what Gakushuu’s worries about how it could influence the investigation (If Karasuma knows we’re close enough to go on trips together… Karma could hear his voice echoing around his head).
Karma had a list or arguments on the tip of his tongue for why this was a good idea, actually. He prepared himself for a debate.
“Okay.” Gakushuu said simply, after only a moment. “Let’s do it.”