Chapter Text
Well, that was easy
Set during 3rd year, Hermione launches her own investigation into the DADA curse.
"You sure about this, Hermione?" Harry asked as he looked over her notes.
"As sure as one can be. I've had the Arithmancy and runes checked by Professors Vector and Babbling; they both concur to the proposed solution."
Harry just shook his head, it sounded too easy. This was supposed to be a dark curse that was unable to be found and cleared out. Rumor had it that it'd been set in place by the Dark Lord himself yet here was Hermione Granger, 3rd year student who'd discovered a possible solution?
Director Bones' office, Ministry for Magic...
"So walk me through this again, Miss Granger? You say that you've figured out something that's stymied older and allegedly wiser minds over the past fifty years?" Director Amelia Bones asked gently.
Hermione's hands shook lightly with nervousness. Harry gently took her hand in his and rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb, calming her anxiety. She gave him a brief smile then began telling Amelia the back-story of her search, "According to Hogwarts legends, the one who later became known as 'Lord Voldemort' applied for the position of Defense professor back in 1957. He had a brief interview with the newly elevated headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. While what was talked about during the interview is unknown, the end results were clear. The position was not given to the Dark Lord and he left in an angry rage."
"Before he left the grounds of the school, Voldemort made a declaration that from this day forward, no professor for DADA would be able to teach beyond one school year be it from personal injury, death, financial crimes, et cetera. Since then, the quality of the applicants has been getting steadily worse as the strength of the curse grew in power. Our last professor was evidence of that in the form of Gilderoy 'How's my hair' Lockhart."
Hermione had clearly found her stride and motioned to the stack of paper on the desk. "When I heard about the supposed curse, it was explained to me that it had been in place for a long time and that no one had been able to dispel it. That struck me as wrong. We have two professors who, when working together, could rival any of the cursebreakers currently employed by the Ministry. I even took my findings to the headmaster only to be given a condescending pat on the head and a few House points. Personally, I think the headmaster doesn't want the curse to be broken because it would go against his views for the 'Greater Good.' He wants everyone to be so inept at defense that they would have no choice but to look towards him for salvation furthering cementing his public image as the 'Almighty Albus Dumbledore."
Amelia removed her monocle and rubbed the bridge of her nose in exasperation before motioning Hermione to continue. "It makes a frightening amount of sense. Please go on."
"Well, I took it upon myself to investigate just was needed for the curse to work and found it existed in three parts. As we both know, three is a magically strong number. From that research, I found that the contract parchment for the professorship hadn't been rewritten or changed since the early 1900s. Next, I checked the classroom itself and discovered that it hasn't been used as anything but the DADA classroom. Finally, I concluded that the curse would have to be powered by something strong and that meant the school's wardstone and Ley lines.
Later in the headmaster's office...
Hermione, Harry, Albus Dumbledore, Professors Flitwick, Vector, Babbling, Amelia Bones, and a couple of Ministry cursebreakers and a member of the research branch of the Ministry known simply as an Unspeakable assembled to go over the final preparation to rid the school of the curse.
"Once more, I'd like to point out that this intervention is not necessary. I fully believe that we can handle things here on our own time," grumbled Albus.
"Stuff it, Albus. It's because of your inaction and potentially criminal behavior that we are even here today," Amelia growled back before gesturing to Hermione to begin.
Hermione released the breath she'd been inadvertently holding. She examined the contract by holding it up to the light and made an 'aha' noise. "Found one part. As I've said before, the curse exists in three parts. The first is the contract. It normally would've been signed while on the desk, therefore denying the applicant from even seeing what appears to be one anchor written like a watermark." She took a quill and traced a circle around the tiny cluster of runes that lay embedded within the parchment.
"I say!" squeaked Professor Flitwick. "I can see how easy it would've been to miss, especially if no one knew about the curse."
Hermione bobbed her head in agreement, "With any good investigative work, all documents need to be examined thoroughly and from all angles. Next, we have the rune cluster etched into the stone archway that leads into the classroom. This classroom has been used for decades, it would not have been a good idea to engrave the enchantments into the wooden doorframe, or even the door itself because of the amount of wear and tear would've worn it away. "
The Ministry cursebreakers confirmed her assessment and reported that they'd indeed discovered the runes responsible. "They're so small that I nearly missed them if I hadn't been running my fingers over the stone block surfaces."
"The final part would be the Ward stone which would power the curse," the Unspeakable cut in. "We've checked it and concluded that it would be a huge mistake to go in and try to remove said power tap as it would likely destabilize the rest of the room and subsequently the school itself."
Hermione nodded her thanks, "Now, with all three anchors either identified or dealt with, we feel that the curse can be destroyed for good. So, Headmaster Dumbledore, if you would, please destroy the master copy of the current contract?"
Albus gave one last look of condescension and a long sigh of annoyance before drawing his wand and incinerated the scroll. There was a loud rumble that seemed to emanate from the very foundations of the school. When the shaking stopped, Amelia turned to Albus with a hard look in her eyes. "I think it's time you and I had a long chat about your unwillingness to contact the Ministry to assist in breaking the curse along with some other disquieting rumors regarding the school."
Remus Lupin aka 'Moony' aka 'Professor Lupin,' had been sitting at his desk in the DADA office grading the latest essay he'd assigned to his sixth year students when he felt a rise of magical pressure building up somewhere out in the classroom proper. He'd just risen to his feet when the pressure exploded, shoving his body into the wall. The last thought he had right before losing consciousness was, 'What the Hell was that?'
He awoke to the faint scent of disinfectant and dittany. When Remus managed to open his eyes without the light sending stabbing pain into his retinas, he found Harry and Miss Granger sitting in some chairs next to the bed. "Ha-Harry?" he weakly called out.
"Hey, Professor. Glad you could rejoin us in the land of the living."
Harry helped him take a brief sip of water. "What...what happened? The last thing I remember was grading papers in my office," Remus asked after swallowing.
"Magical backlash from a curse being disposed of," Hermione explained to Remus' continued confusion.
"Say that again?"
Hermione relaunched into her dissertation about what she'd discovered. Remus stayed quiet and when she finally wound down to a stop, he cleared his throat as he took it in. "I can't believe that Dumbledore actually let the Ministry into the school to assist with this. I'd always thought that he'd believe that it could be done in-house."
Harry grumbled, "Director Bones didn't give him a choice, to be honest. It appears that Dumbledore didn't want the curse to be broken so he could further cement his public persona as the 'one who could save everyone, even from themselves.' He wanted the quality of defense education and the teachers to fall so low that the population would have no choice but to accept his so-called 'wisdom.' It's disgusting really..."
Remus just sat there trying to correlate everything that had just been proverbially dumped in his lap. "So what happens now?"
Director Bones took that moment to appear, "Now comes the arduous task of trying to unravel the mess that the old goat has created over the past forty years or more. I've had to officially arrest him for his interference against clearing out a dangerous curse from the school. In the meantime, I hope that you will recover quickly enough and get back to teaching. I know from my niece that you're currently the best DADA teacher and from some of the other statements given by the older students, it's been years that anyone's actually learned something."
"Oooh, maybe now that the curse is gone, Professor Lupin will be able to stay past the one-year mark!" Hermione eagerly commented with hope in her eyes.
Harry looked up to Amelia, "Does this mean that there's going to be a trial for the headmaster?" She nodded in response causing Harry to sigh with relief. "Good. I hope that the governing body throws him to the wolves."
Remus had been taking another drink and nearly snorted his glass of water up his nose when he overheard Harry talk about tossing Albus to the wolves. "What do you mean, Harry?"
Harry shared a silent conversation with Hermione before giving both adults a considering look, "How much time and parchment do either of you have right now? I think it's high time that you know exactly what's been going on around here."
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
12 June 1998; Shell Cottage...
Harry Potter, age 18, swore loudly as he tripped over the corner of an old trunk poking out from behind another box in the attic of Shell Cottage. He and Hermione had been given permission to come remove some stuff addressed to them that Fleur had discovered after the war. Rubbing his toe after dancing around a bit in pain, he glared at the offending trunk before his face morphed into confusion. 'This looks like a traveling trunk, but it's too small...' He reached down and pulled it out from its hiding place, looking it over for any indication as to whom it might've belonged to.
"What do you have there, Harry?" Hermione's voice startled him out of his inspection.
"Hermione! Don't sneak up on me like that!" he yelped to her amusement.
Hermione just gave him a cute grin in response, "Right. So? What do you have there?"
"Dunno, just found it when it suddenly leapt out and smashed into my toe."
Hermione didn't respond other than to give her boyfriend an unimpressed 'Look.' Shrugging his shoulders, Harry turned back to the trunk and found what appeared to be a thumbplate. Running his finger along the embossed face, he felt a slight prick from a tiny needle and heard the sound of a hidden latch being released. Upon opening the lid, both Harry and Hermione gasped at the sight of the contents.
"Journals? Why are they so small?" Hermione wondered.
Harry picked one up and opened it to the first page. His eyes widened as he read out the neat writing, "August 1990, interesting discovery made in Young Master's room. Young Master apparently is interested in muggle comic books, especially a character named 'Superman.' I've seen a couple of others in his collection; one named 'Batman; and another named 'Doctor Strange.' One thing that keeps coming to my mind is that all of these heroes wear capes. I have to assume that this is part of their mentalities: Heroes wear capes!"
He flipped to another entry and read, "July 1992, I finally got to meet the so-called 'Boy-Who-Lived!' Harry Potter in the flesh! I couldn't believe how small and thin he was. I don't know what those guardians of his were thinking, but should the impossible happen, I will make it my mission in life to bring young Harry back to optimal health."
"I-I think this is a journal written by Dobby," Harry croaked as the memories of his fallen elf's friend threatened to overwhelm him.
"Really?" Hermione replied, "I didn't know that elves could read and write. What else does he say?"
"September 1992, That boy certainly is brave, I'll grant you that but still it would've been better to just wait for an adult to come by and assist him to either the train platform or to take him directly to the school. I know that I'll have to punish myself for what I did but still...such bravery! He and that redheaded friend of his flew his father's car to the school. Sometimes I wonder if being sorted into Gryffindor was the best place for him. Young Harry is intelligent, anyone can see that but with that redheaded twit that flits around him like a gnat, it's almost impossible for him to let it out and shine."
Hermione huffed at Dobby's description of Ron Weasley. "I didn't know that there would've been an adult nearby. Makes sense in hindsight, I guess." Harry mused as he reached for a later dated journal."
"If you'd just read Hogwarts, A History like I kept suggesting all those times; you would've known that from the beginning." Harry scrunched his nose playfully at her and quietly quipped that it was more fun to get the information from her than some dusty old book.
"Anyway, here: March 1993; I have decided that the redheaded 'friend' of Harry Potter is nothing more than a loud-mouthed charlatan. One of these days, I certainly hope that he either mouths off to the wrong person or he chokes on his food! What Harry Potter sees in him, I'll never understand." He growled as a memory swirled up, "Don't worry, Dobby; I got rid of him soon after that year. Git..."
"June 1993; if I could dance a jig of joy I would, but not in my present location. The other elves would think me crazed! Harry Potter has brilliantly engineered the most wonderful gift he could ever give to me or another abused elf. I AM FREE! No longer will I have to do the bidding of that self-righteous, arrogant prick of a magical human! Oh, if only I had had the foresight to kick the bastard after I flung him down the stairs!"
"Harry, I'm going downstairs to see if Fleur needs any help getting lunch prepared," Hermione said as she stood and dusted herself off. "I'll call you when we're ready."
Harry didn't really notice her leaving, just made an indecipherable noise as he kept reading. 'November 1993; Finally caught up to Harry Potter! I managed to convince the Head Elf at Hogwarts to let me work there even it's to scrub toilets. Eh, work is work I guess...Anyway, I finally managed to have a conversation with Harry Potter and convinced him to bond with me. I know that I stretched the truth about how 'if an elf doesn't bond with a family, they wither away and die' but I had to do something even if it's not how those sorts of things work. Funny thing was, Harry Potter messed up the wording of the incantation. He was supposed to bond with me as my Master but ended up using the phrase 'Friends and Family.' I don't know why that made such a difference but my magic has never been stronger! It's almost like I drank a bucket of Butterbeer, everything seems so bright and vibrant.'
"That would explain why he seemed like he was on a sugar rush every time we interacted," Harry mused. Hermione called up to him just then reminding him that lunch was being served and if he wanted any of it; he'd better get his bum moving. Grabbing the last journal, he curiously flipped to the end.
'March 1998; Just got word from Aberforth Dumbledore that Harry Potter and his friends are stuck in the dungeons of Malfoy Manor. I know what I need to do but I'm terrified! My former master set up the wards to prevent me from returning so I must use every last bit of my magic to bull my way through. I may not make it out but if that should come to pass then I know I go to my death a free elf and friend of Harry Potter. May my soul rest easy in the Garden of Landrace."
Sniffling through the tears that flowed down his face, Harry got up and took the journal with him downstairs where he found Fleur and Hermione already sharing a pot of tea and munching on some sandwiches. He slid the journal over to Hermione who read while he sat heavily in an empty chair. "In his first entry, Dobby mentioned that Draco's comic book heroes wore capes. I think that quote ought to be modified a bit."
"To what?"
Harry wiped his eyes as he looked towards the dunes to where Dobby had been buried, "Not all heroes wear capes, some wear pillowcases."
Kaleidoscope of Chaos
Originally I used the Weasley Twins, but they have enough material to keep them occupied. In this AU, Harry and Hermione use the leftover Polyjuice to impersonate others to exact revenge against those who dare to stand in their way.
As Albus Dumbledore:
Harry entered the Ministry to announced 'his' retirement from both the Chief Warlock and ICW Supreme Mugwump positions. He then stands before the growing crowd and publicly denounces the Minister by claiming that the odious man still hasn't paid up his debt by delivering the 'fudge packing' Albus had paid him fifty Galleons for. Later, he spotted Rita Skeeter and draws her into a broom closet for an 'up-close and personal interview.' He later spreads the rumor that she's pregnant with his child.
As Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge:
This time, Hermione takes the lead by holding a press conference stating that he was instituting a new proposal that all muggleborns shall be given highest priority for hiring within the Ministry as it's been patently proven time and again that they have the brains to get the job done and don't have to rely on 'mummy and daddy's money' to bribe the officials into looking the other way. He also says that he'd love to see his Senior Undersecretary take part in a bikini mud-wrestling competition against Narcissa Malfoy. "Narcissa's exquisite bum must look absolutely fabulous in a bikini and it would make my day to see it in its full glory."
Fudge finishes out the conference by thanking Lucius Malfoy for the latest deposit of bribes aka 'campaign contributions' of one hundred thousand Galleons and agrees with Lucius' idea of transferring Dolores to a remote station in the Amazon should she lose the wrestling competition.
As Minerva McGonagall:
Slaps both Snape and Dumbledore silly for all of the times they did something stupid. (Both men are remanded to the infirmary for neck pain soon after.) Tells Snape that he's on probation under her authority as Deputy and that if he has a problem with her ruling, he's more than welcome to quit and never return. When he balks, she threatens to bring out her 'McGonagall Book of Embarrassing Moments' and share them with the school and the Daily Prophet.
She publicly declares to the Daily Prophet that Albus Dumbledore has not now nor has ever been Harry Potter's Magical Guardian and if he dares to even think of sending Harry back to his muggle relatives, she'll be donning her Highland garb and using his carcass to practice her dirk-throwing skills.
As Lucius Malfoy:
Publicly declares that he's been in a torrid love affair with Severus Snape and that it's been going on since before his marriage to Narcissa.
Announces a new line of hair care products designed to give you that 'fresh from the courtroom proclaiming to be Imperioused' look.
Declares that the muggles and muggleborns have some 'pretty cool ideas' on how to improve their society.
As Madam Poppy Pomfrey:
Declares Albus to be mentally incompetent and unable to effectively be headmaster. Issues a Medical Directive to strip Albus of his titles and be remanded to the long-term care and custody of Saint Mungo's.
Announces that Minerva McGonagall to be 'one hot pussycat.'
Publicly gets high from some of Professor Sprout's 'secret garden' plants.
As Severus Snape:
Declares that being the Head of Slytherin and the school's Potions professor was two of the most idiotic decisions he's ever made.
Assigns detention to Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle for being dumb and ugly.
Assigns detention to Draco Malfoy for being a mindless clone of his father and thinks the blond should've been sorted into Gryffindor for all the times he loudly butted into Harry Potter's business in the Great Hall.
Starts brewing psychedelic potions designed to help 'those stuffed shirt Slytherins get their groove on.'
Is spotted in the Main Hallway wearing nothing but a Speedo doing a bunch of wild muggle dances because 'sometimes you just feel like shaking your money-maker.'
As Ron Weasley:
Declares that for all of his bluster and diatribe against the Slytherins, he secretly wishes he could've been a member of that House and that Draco Malfoy looks absolutely smashing in Acromantula silk.
Announces that he really thinks Harry Potter would make a better friend and mate for Hermione Granger than he could ever be.
Swears that the next time someone thinks of bullying Luna Lovegood, they should use him as a whipping boy instead because he loves the feeling of wet leather snapping him across his naked bum.
Reveals that he believes that the girls of the school ought to be flocking to him since he's gonna be a world-famous Quidditch star one day despite the fact he's so lazy he makes the Dense Duo aka Crabbe and Goyle look like geniuses. He also reveals that the only reason why he puts up with Hermione Granger and Harry Potter is for her to do his homework and for Harry to share his family fortune with him.
As Dolores Umbridge:
Takes out a full-page announcement in the Daily Prophet confirming that it's true one of her parents is actually a magically modified toad.
Replies that Fudge Flies are an acceptable gift for the holidays.
Openly states that she chose the color pink as a way to mask her incredible ugliness.
Agrees with the generally held belief that muggleborns are the future of the magical world and that she wishes she had half of their talents.
Reveals that she's been working with Albus Dumbledore and Minister Fudge to make sure that the purebloods intermarry close enough to introduce genetic malformations in order to breed themselves out of existence.
The List
"You sure about this, Hermione?"
Sighing exasperatedly at her boyfriend, Hermione gave him the gimlet eye, "Yes, Harry. We've been over this and you've read the book yourself. It'll help with your anger management lessons. Now, how far have you gotten?"
Harry glanced down at his rather short list, "Uh, not very far as I thought I'd get."
Sighing once more, Hermione took his list and read through his ideas before tossing it aside and grabbing a new roll of parchment and a quill. "Then let's do this together and use each other as a sounding board."
The two sixth years stayed up late coming up with ever more increasingly creative punishments to use against the manipulative old goat known as Headmaster Albus Dumbledore.
The next morning, Neville found the two of them snuggled together on the couch in front of the now-cold fireplace. He saw the look of contentment on Harry's face and was loathe to disturb his friend. 'Merlin knows he could use a decent night's sleep and in the comforting arms of his girlfriend.'
He noticed a roll of parchment sitting neatly on the coffee table and in a pique of curiosity, opened it. What he read made his eyes nearly fall out of his head and his mouth to swing open.
101 Ways of Exacting Revenge Against The Old Goat Known As Albus Dumbledore
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Have the elves charm his office door so that instead of opening to the hallways, it exits out to the school's cesspool.
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Charm his shoes to squeak as he walks.
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Lace those lemon drops of his with a laxative.
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Change the password to his office without his knowledge.
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Wire his 'throne' in the Great Hall to give him electric shocks every time he tries to sit down.
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Install a cricket chirping sound spell somewhere in his office.
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Install a motion sensing alarm in his office that triggers an air-raid siren to start screaming.
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Inject a color-changing potion into his shampoo.
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Write out an arrest warrant for crimes against fashion and have it published in the Daily Prophet.
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Use a hidden aerosol mister in his office to lace the air with a mild Veritaserum then invite the Directors of Magical Law Enforcement and the Department of Mysteries to his office for a little 'chat.'
The list continued for another thirty entries, Neville laughed at some of the sillier ones and groaned at the lame sounding ideas. He wondered what the Weasley twins would've done if they were here to help with its creation. Noticing that Harry and Hermione were starting to stir, he put the scroll back on the table and left the Common room.
Later that week...
"You've got to be joking! Did you really send that list of yours to...Him? Voldemort?" Neville whisper-yelled to Harry.
Harry grinned triumphantly while Hermione snorted with laughter. "Yup, and not only that but Voldemort sent it back with a few additions of his own! Some of his ideas were frankly disgusting or impossible but we included them in. The Dark Wanker even wrote us a note stating he was impressed by the dissension between the Headmaster and myself and the creative methods I was using to 'blow off steam' as Hermione puts it."
"So what were some of the ideas?" Neville pressed.
Add-ons to 'The List' (LV = Lord Voldemort); (BL = Bellatrix Lestrange); (LM = Lucius Malfoy)
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Boil him alive in a vat of flobberworm mucus (BL)
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Contract with the Goblins to run a full audit on your personal vault and charge the fees to Dumbledore's account (LM)
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Get his brother Aberforth, to announce all of Albus' dirty secrets to the Daily Prophet (LV)
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Drop him in a hole and cover him up to his neck with Incan Fire Ants (BL)
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Charm his eyes (or glasses) to make him believe that everything is farther away than normal (LV)
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Spell all of his clothes to look normal to him, but are in fact ballerina costumes to everyone else (LM)
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Fire him out of a cannon. Points given for distance traveled, impact effects (ie. Blood spatters, limbs breaking away, brain oozing, etc.) (LV, BL)
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Slather him with BBQ sauce and drop him into a pit of Inferi (BL)
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Bind his magic down and force him to live as a Squib (LV, LM)
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Break both arms, bind them against his body then use a permanent sticking charm on a blindfold before applying it to his face. Put him in a rubber raft and drop him in the middle of the Pacific Ocean or near an island known to be infested with cannibals or lepers (LV)
**Potter: I never thought you'd be so creative with this sort of thing nor that you'd actually include us with your mad planning. My inner circle and I were having a blast coming up with ideas. If you ever want to try these out, let me know. Yours truly, The Eternal Dark Lord.**
An Unholy Contract
"Whatcha got there, Harry?" came the stereo sound of Fred and George Weasley as they dropped down on either side of Harry on the couch in front of the fireplace. A stack of books pulled from the library had attracted their attention.
"I just learned something horrible that Dumbledore in his infinite stupidity, decided not to inform me about. According to my account manager at Gringotts, who by the way I just discovered that I even have one again no thanks to Dumbledore's interference; I'm to be married off to someone when I reach my majority."
"Ouch. Who's the unlucky lady?" asked Fred (George?)
Harry shot both of them with a hard glare, "Your sister. I have no idea why Dumbledore thought it would be a good idea to match me with her. It's not like we have anything in common other than Quidditch and the fact that I saved her life back in my second year."
Two sets of identically red eyebrows shot up in shock. George (Fred?) then asked the important question. "Who set it up?"
Harry just grunted dispiritedly, "The headmaster and your mother. I saw a copy of the contract and she signed it as Molly Prewett. I'm guessing that's her maiden name?" Both twins grimaced and confirmed his suspicion.
"That stinks, Harry. Do know when the contract was signed?"
"Three weeks after I was dumped at the Dursleys."
Fred and George's mouths dropped open as they glanced at each other. "Ginny was what, all of about three months old? How could mum be so cold?"
"I'm guessing that based on the wording, Dumbledore is the one who wrote the contract and merely compelled your mum into signing it. I can't really tell because the wording is enough to put an insomniac to sleep."
Fred snorted lightly at the quip, "Maybe we can get dad to void it on his end since he's Head of House Weasley and we're pretty sure that whatever she'd done reflects on him. What else did you find in those books?"
Harry leant back against the couch cushions and sighed, "I'm hoping there's a way to break the contract without either guardian knowing about it or at the very least knowing what my options are. The more I read, the more hopeless it seems."
Patting him consolingly on his shoulders, both twins left him to his quest.
Four hours later...
Harry slid into a chair opposite of the twins with a tight smile on his face. "Boys, I've discovered something interesting. How'd you like to pull one over on Dumbledore?"
Identical grins were his answer. "What'd you have in mind, young Potter?"
"According to my research, the only requirement a person has to become a magical guardian over another is to take a modified version of an Unbreakable Oath. I propose that we make ourselves guardians of both Dumbledore and another oh-so-deserving occupant of this castle namely Dolores Umbridge then write an unbreakable contract using blood."
The twins' grins grew wider, "Go on."
Elsewhere in the castle, Albus was sitting at his desk when an unholy shiver ran down his spine. He glanced worriedly at the myriad of monitors and tracking devices but they weren't registering anything of note. He frowned and went back to his work. "Weird, I wonder what that was about."
Gryffindor Common room
Hermione had been drafted into their plot as she had the best analytical mind of anyone in the school and because she'd been appalled that this sort of chicanery as still being used. "Okay, so this is what we've all agreed on.
Betrothal Contract
1st Member: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
2nd Member: Dolores Jane Umbridge
We the sworn magical guardians of the above do hereby swear that our charges are of good magical standing within our community. In order to form a stable union, each of the above members must uphold the laws of Magical Britain to the best of their ability.
Under penalty of loss of magic by the contracted members as written above, the following conditions must be met:
Both parties involved must be free of coercion or other mind magics.
Both must not be involved in a prior contract with anyone else.
The magical guardians of the 1st Member must pay to the magical guardians of the 2nd Member no more than One (1) Galleon no later than One (1) month after this contract takes effect.
The 2nd Member must have obtained an Exceeds Expectations or greater in all subjects covered in their NEWTs.
Both parties must be confirmed as being virgins.
Both parties must submit to a Veritaserum induced interview with the Director of Magical Law Enforcement within Three (3) weeks from the signing of this contract so as to cover any past transgressions of a Misdemeanor level or greater. If any of the above is found, the contract shall be voided and the guilty party shall be stripped of their magic and tried in a court of law.
A male child must be produced within Twelve (12) months of the signing of this contract.
This contract shall not be voided by anyone other than the sworn magical guardians of both parties. In order to prevent coercion, both sets of magical guardians must be certified free of mind magics, potions, and/or charm by the Healers of Gringotts London.
Signed: Harry James Potter
Signed: Frederick Gideon Weasley
Signed: George Fabian Weasley
Witness: Hermione Jean Granger
Date: Tuesday 6 February 1996
Hermione was beaming by the time she finished reading. She glanced up at Harry and the twins then nodded her approval. "Good job, you three. I look forward to seeing what sort of mayhem you create with this. Who else were you planning on using this with?"
Harry laughed and shook his head, "Haven't really thought that far ahead, but it does open a huge range of possibilities. According to my research, one of the two parties doesn't even need to be human! Merlin, we could probably write up a contract marrying Ron off to a mop!"
That got the twins to wheeze out their laughter, Fred even went so far to jot down some ideas that sprung up. "Ooh, how about a contract marrying Ludo Bagman the cheap-arse git off to a Troll!"
In the meantime, Hermione officiated the swearing of the Magical Guardianship Oath between Harry and the twins. Harry handed over a single Galleon to seal the deal as written then all signed where required. Once the ink dried, there was a dual flash of light. Almost immediately, the contract flashed again and the black lettering turned red indicating a violation.
On the reverse, they read the details from each violation. From the looks of things, both would be serving multiple life sentences in Azkaban if not just being outright tossed through the Veil of Death. Hermione's eyes widened at what she was reading. "Wow, I had no idea about half of what's written here. I now have to wonder just how much Dumbledore paid Bathilda Bagshot to gloss over his indiscretions and paint him in a better light."
Just then there was a deep-seated rumbling that seemed to come from the very foundations of the castle. Harry glanced worried over at Hermione who shook her head. "No idea. Fred? George?"
"Feels like the wards switched over to someone else, probably the Deputy I would wager," one of the twins commented. "This ought to be interesting."
As it turned out, both Dumbledore and Umbridge lost their magic as they were deemed to be in gross violation of the conditions set forth in the contract. Dumbledore had slipped on the stairs coming from his office, broken his neck, and died on the spot. Dolores had been using the floo to contact the Minister about her latest efforts to stem what she described as 'seditious behavior from the students and staff.' Due to the vagaries of the Floo Network, the system determined her to be a non-magical and cut the connection. The fact that her head was floating in the fire in the Minister's office was of no importance. Her severed head rolled to a stop at the Minister's feet when the connection was broken.
Harry, Hermione, and the twins quietly watched on as Poppy covered their now-deceased former headmaster with a blanket. Fred reached into his pocket and handed back the Galleon. "Such a shame that our charges failed to find love, old chap. Better luck next time."