Chapter Text
Winter was shaping up to be oddly dry. The sun would come out and there wouldn’t be a cloud in the sky, but the air carried a biting chill. In some odd way it was colder than a normal winter, but the morning sun shone brightly like it was mocking Anders for whining about the cold. He didn’t whine as much as Fenris whined, however.
Anders smiled to himself. They have been steadily cleaning up and making repairs in the courtyard to get it ready for the next spring. It had been slow going because Fenris complained about the cold until Anders gave in and they both went and warmed themselves by the fire with a hot drink. There was something bittersweet about leaving the garden until spring and neither of them were in a big hurry to finish the work. Anders could hardly believe it had been almost a year since Hawke gave him that box of seeds. He could hardly believe how much had changed since then.
Which reminded Anders that Satinalia was in a couple weeks. This year he had drawn Merrill to get a gift for and already made a little book of the dirty spells she had asked him about. All the tricks he came up with while he was young and bored in the Circle. Bethany will be a happy, happy woman.
He also procured a beautiful leather bound journal and quill set for Fenris that he planned to give him after Hawke’s party. Fenris had grown fascinated with the song book and was working on translations for it. Anders also noticed scraps of paper with little verses on them set aside from his translations. When asked, Fenris blushingly admitted to attempting to write his own, but wouldn’t let Anders read them. So Anders got Fenris something he could write his own private thoughts in.
He let himself into the mansion and went up the stairs to wake Fenris. Anders usually got up much earlier, nightmares and all, so waking Fenris had become sort of a routine. He reached the master bedroom and opened the door to go in right as Isabela was coming out.
She staggered back and looked up at Anders blearily. Once she managed to process who was in her way she said, “Oh thank the Maker! Give a lady a hand with her hangover?”
Anders felt frozen inside. Did Isabela spend the entire night here? Of course she did, she wouldn’t stagger all the way to Hightown with a hangover to pay Fenris a visit. Well that’s… That’s just fine. It’s none of Anders’ business. They are both adults and Isabela and Hawke were no longer together. And Fenris…. Fenris could….
“Actually Isabela, I think I should let you live with this to teach you a lesson about staying up all night drinking,” he said with an air of superiority.
“Oh come on--” she started to say, but Anders slammed the door in her face before she could finish. He heard a muffled “Oh to the Void with you then!” and footsteps leading away from the other side of the door.
The noise from the door slamming startled Fenris awake. He sat up from his bed and looked around in confusion. His blankets covered the lower half of his body, but he was not wearing a shirt. Anders' heart was somewhere around his stomach. He couldn’t stop looking at Fenris’ ruffled hair and sleepy expression and thinking of Isabela waking up to that. To him. Unguarded and relaxed and dreaming. And she just left without even bothering to wake him up to say goodbye.
This shouldn’t bother him. If anything he should be happy for Fenris for reclaiming some of his bodily autonomy. Isabela isn’t even a bad choice for that. Anders remembered what she was like back at the Pearl, she would have taken care of him. He was being ridiculous and didn’t know why. “Good morning!” he said, probably a little more enthusiastic than necessary. “You just missed Isabela.” He smiled. Everything was fine.
Fenris blinked, confused. Clearly he was a bit hungover as well. “Isabela?” He paused for a moment trying to remember. “Oh. Right.” Fenris rubbed his hand over his face and through his hair, mussing it further. Anders always thought Fenris was very cute first thing in the morning.
Everything was not fine and Anders couldn’t do this.
“Actually I was just leaving as well. I came to tell you I couldn't work in the garden today like we had planned.” He could feel his composure crumbling. It was hard to talk around the lump in his throat. “I’ll come by tomorrow. Have fun with your hangover.”
He gave a smile that probably looked more pained than anything and turned on his heels to leave. He practically jumped down the stairs and was crossing into the foyer by the time he heard Fenris calling for him to wait. He ignored him and rushed outside without looking back.
-----
Anders didn't stop until he reached the chantry. He leaned against the Chanters board feeling very tired. The bells of the chantry sounded, greeting the day as the square began to fill. Hightowners on their way to conduct business, servants heading towards the market, even the children running through the streets at play seemed to have an important place to be. Anders did too. He really had been neglecting the clinic in favor of the garden, but he couldn’t seem to will himself to move. Every time he tried his mind’s eye showed him the fresh memory of Fenris, messy from sleep, blinking at him owlishly.
So lost in his thoughts he didn't hear the woman calling his name.
“Anders?”
Finally noticing her, Anders looked around for the voice and found none other than Nathaniel Howe’s sister, Delilah. Shocked he stuttered “Delilah? Is that really you?”
She ran up and embraced him. “Anders, thank goodness!”
He hugged her back. “What brings you all the way to the Free Marches?”
He didn't notice how upset she was until she began to cry. “Oh Anders! It's Nathaniel! He’s missing!”
------
Anders got Hawke, who put together that if the wardens were going his route through the deep roads, Carver was probably down there too. Merrill and Bethany overheard, but Hawke wouldn't let his sister go into a Blight infested hole after losing his brother to it, so Merrill went in her stead.
They went to fetch Varric from the Hanged Man, but he wasn’t there. Instead they found Isabela up in his suite laying across Varric’s table with a wet tea towel over her face. Anders’ heart jumped at the sight of her. She groaned when Hawke asked her where Varric was. “He’s ass deep in guild politics right now.” She pulled the towel from her face and sat up. She frowned at Hawke. “That’s not a ‘let’s go make some gold’ look. What happened?”
“A troupe of wardens have gone missing going my old route in the Deep Roads,” Hawke answered seriously.
“Carver,” she said. “Shit.” She scooted off the table and onto her feet. “You need someone to handle traps right? Come on then, let’s go.”
Hawke looked uncomfortable. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said softly. “You get too close when you fight. You could catch the Blight.”
“So what if I do?” She sneered. “You can’t put me on a shelf, Hawke.” With that she stomped out of the room. Hawke followed after her, calling for her to wait.
Merrill sighed and looked at Anders mournfully. “This is going to be a dreadfully long couple of weeks, isn’t it?”
Something ugly curled in Anders’ chest. “Hawke should have known a long time ago that Isabela would leave him as soon as he got serious,” he said tartly. “She’s already moved on to Fenris and when she’s done with him she’ll find someone else new and shiny enough to keep her distracted.”
“Fenris?” Merrill asked, surprised. “Did Fenris say they started a relationship?”
Anders grimaced. He shouldn’t have said anything. “No, but I ran into her this morning leaving his room.”
Merrill laughed. “You can’t seriously think they…” she trailed off. “Oh dear, you do.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Anders said with finality. “They’re adults and are free to do as they please.”
Merrill sighed again. “Dreadfully long couple of weeks...”
-----
Anders hated the Deep Roads. The Blight was always whispering in the back of his mind, daring him, tempting him. It chafed him that the others never really understood that. Yes, the Roads are dark and dank and there’s Darkspawn everywhere. Everyone hated the Deep Roads, but they weren’t tormented by them like Anders was. Sometimes he missed the wardens simply because they all understood.
He was unsure how long it had been since they left Kirkwall. A week would be his best guess. Hawke and Isabela were still being unbearable. They were obviously straining to keep up their respective masks of frivolity, but Isabela’s teasing was just a little too biting and Hawke’s grins a little too strained. Anders had told Merrill not to say anything about his run-in with Isabela if only because he couldn’t stand the kicked dog look Hawke got on his face every time Isabela was particularly nasty to him.
With the Darkspawn scratching at the back of his mind, Anders’ patience had worn incredibly thin. So while he told himself repeatedly that their fighting was none of his business, he couldn’t help but jump in with his own biting remarks towards Isabela. Anders hated fighting his friend, but he couldn’t get the image of Fenris hungover and confused and alone out of his mind. Merrill would then step in to try and diffuse the situation, but the tension stayed looming over them like a storm.
At the very least, Isabela began giving Hawke a break and started attacking Anders directly. “You were a lot more fun when you were whoring around the Pearl,” she snapped at him seemingly at random.
“At least I keep my whoring to the brothel,” he snapped back.
Hawke growled in frustration. “Enough! Both of you!”
Isabela rounded on Hawke. “I’ll stop once he digs out whatever crawled up his ass!”
“I’ll stop when you two quit this childish squabble over your dead relationship!” Anders felt a pang at the way Hawke flinched and decided to get angry about it instead of easing up. “She’s not coming back to you Hawke! She’s not interested in being your sweet little wife!”
“I never said--!”
“I can speak for myself--!”
“Please, everyone stop--!”
Anders didn’t let his friends interrupt him. The song of the Blight got more intense as he yelled at them. “And you!” he rounded on Isabela. “You think drowning your problems in booze and skin will fix everything! You have no care for who you step on to get to your good time. Not Hawke, not people you claim to be your friends,” his eyes started to itch and blood was roaring his ears, “not Fenris!”
Isabela looked like she had been slapped. “What does Fenris have to do with…?”
“Oh please, Isabela,” he spat bitterly. “Why else would you spend the night in Fenris’ room?”
Her eyes widened and darted towards Hawke who looked equally surprised and hurt. “Hawke I didn’t--!”
Hawke didn’t have a chance to answer her before an arrow pierced him in the throat.
Isabela’s scream was secondary to the wail of the song beating in the back of Anders’ mind as a pack of Darkspawn descended on them. Anders threw shields around his friends and proceeded to shoot fire at the attacking creatures. Out of his peripheral vision he spotted Merrill shooting her own spells at the Darkspawn.
Anders fell into routine, his time as a warden coming back to him as easily as breathing. Isabela hadn’t left Hawke and was instead bent over him trying to stop the bleeding. Anders focused on keeping the hoard away from his friends. He seemed successful too until he heard the familiar rasp of Nathaniel Howe shouting “Get down!”
Anders turned around in time to see a rain of arrows come down on some Darkspawn that had snuck up behind them close to Hawke and Isabela. Isabela jumped to her feet and pulled out her daggers, ready to defend Hawke. She struck out at one with a dagger and used the other to block a blow from another. Anders shot a fire blast at the one trying to flank her as Isabela spun and took down the one she attacked.
Anders heard Merrill gasp beside him and turned back to see Nathaniel grappling two genlocks with his bow. “I almost hit him!”
Anders, more used to how Nathaniel fought and able to predict his movements, shot a bolt of lightning at one of the genlocks, giving Nathaniel the chance to take out the other. Darkspawn dead, Anders eyes met Nathaniel’s and relief washed over him to see his old friend safe. He could even feel Justice pressing against his mind, happy to see him.
The relief was short lived, however. Isabela called out to Anders, reminding him of Hawke’s injury. He ran over to him. Hawke was pale, but still semiconscious and gasping for breath. Isabela had already gotten out the arrow and was staunching the bleeding with a bit of her dress. Anders ordered her to prop Hawke up a bit so she pulled his head onto her lap.
Anders focused his mana, knitting flesh back together, but still worried. The arrow missed the blood vessels in Hawke’s neck, but he had still lost a lot of blood. Isabela cradled Hawke’s head, gently caressing his face and running her fingers through his hair. Her eyes were glassy with unshed tears and she whispered to Hawke quietly enough Anders couldn’t hear what she was saying.
Anders finished repairing the damage to Hawke’s trachea. The release of the magic caused Hawke to cough violently. He turned over in Isabela’s lap and spat out some blood, but began breathing normally again. He rolled over again, peered up at Isabela and smiled warmly. “Sorry. Thought I’d let you take care of this one.”
Isabela let out a sob. “Fool. Don’t ever do that again.”
Hawke chuckled. “We’ll see.” He attempted to sit up.
Anders gently placed his hand on his friend’s chest to ease him back down. “You need to rest, Hawke,” he said softly.
Hawke nodded and looked back up at Isabela. Anders looked away as Hawke gently reached up to wipe a tear from Isabela’s face. His heart ached at Hawke gently asking Isabela to stay with him while he rested. He envied them. Anders stood and dusted himself off; he needed to apologize to both of them.
Nathaniel approached them genially. Well, as genial as Nathaniel got. “I don’t know why you’re down here, but--” He cut himself off as he got close. “Anders!”
Anders smiled at his old friend. “Been a long time, Nathaniel.”
Nathaniel embraced Anders like a brother. “What are you doing here?”
Anders told Nathaniel about Delilah being worried about him and asked if Carver was with him. After confirming Carver’s involvement, as well as the potential for other survivors they agreed to get moving after Hawke finished resting.
They built a fire and ate some rations they brought while Hawke slept. Anders was glad to see Nathaniel again, but he was equally glad Merrill kept conversation with him going so Anders wouldn’t have to answer awkward questions about the nature of his leaving the wardens. She was probably glad to be speaking to someone other than Anders, Isabela and Hawke after babysitting the three of them for a week.
Speaking of…
Anders went to sit next to Isabela who still cradled Hawke’s head in her lap. He sat in silence for a moment before finally speaking. “I want to apologise for my behavior.”
She looked at him questioningly before huffing a laugh and answering, “I promise I never slept with your elf.”
The mention of Fenris sent a stab of pain into Ander’s guts. “Even if you had, it’s none of my business.” Anders frowned, “He’s not my elf.”
His heart quivered and a lump formed in his throat. Fenris wasn’t his. He had been monopolizing his time for so long, seeing him with Isabela only reminded Anders of the truth. Anders wanted to fall asleep warm and safe together by Fenris’ fire. He wanted to wake in Fenris’ arms and greet the day with a gentle kiss. Anders wanted to touch Fenris casually and not so casually. Show him how good the touch of another could feel. He wanted to be the one that mussed up his hair.
What an ass he was.
“Are you sure about that?” Isabela asked quietly. “Have you asked him how he feels?”
“I barely know what I feel,” he admitted. “Honestly, I thought I still wanted Hawke, but I stopped thinking about that for a while now.”
Isabela hummed and moved Hawke’s bangs away from his face. “Good because I think I might keep him.”
Anders chuckled. “You know, when we first met I never thought this would be a conversation we would ever have.“
Isabela laughed as well. “I can hardly believe it myself.” She paused then added seriously, “You should talk to him Anders.”
He groaned. “We have such a strained history though. Yes we’re friends now, but it doesn’t change certain truths about us. Do you honestly think Fenris wants a mage to have such an active role in his life?” There was something else that he wouldn’t tell Isabela about. Anders didn’t plan on having much of a future. It would be wrong to drag Fenris into it. It would hurt to see how Fenris would turn from him once everything finally came to a head. Not that he planned to live long enough to see his reaction, but still.
Isabela didn’t look impressed. “It’s been a very long and eventful six years, Anders. Give the elf some credit.” She sighed. “Just think about it, would you? I don’t actually like seeing you miserable.”
-----
It was Hawke who spotted Carver first. The relief that overcame his entire posture at seeing his little brother alive and well was infectious. The dour mood that had been hanging over them since the start of the journey back into the Deep Roads finally lifted in its entirety. Carver and Nathaniel mourned their fallen brethren, but even they seemed to be happy to be heading back to the sunlight.
Anders could gauge how close they were by how distant the Darkspawn felt. His moods became better as they went and his mind often drifted to Fenris. He longed to see him again, in spite of making up his mind to not approach Fenris about his feelings. Being close to him was enough, Anders decided. When Fenris did choose a lover, Anders would support him. Provided he was still alive, of course.
Until then, Anders could take comfort in Fenris’ presence and love him quietly. It hurt, but it was an oddly comforting kind of pain. Sometimes Anders questioned the depths of his humanity. His joining with Justice changed him in ways that were sometimes frightening, but knowing love again reaffirmed who he was. He could be a pursuer of an ideal and a man in love with his friend. They weren’t mutually exclusive.
The first breath of fresh air the group shared was the most invigorating they had in a while. The sun was low on the horizon and they could see Kirkwall shining in the distance. They took the opportunity to finally have a moment to rest. They checked gear and ate rations and enjoyed the first unwary sit they’ve been afforded since crossing into the Deep Roads.
He sat with Nathaniel who finally brought up Anders' abrupt departure. Anders tried not to feel too guilty as Nataniel told him what happened after he and Justice fled. “I thought Cousland was going to have a stroke when she found out about the Templars. Seems they exorcised poor Justice. I hope he got back to the Fade alright.”
You could hear a mouse fart with how quiet everyone got.
Help came in the form of Carver asking Nathaniel to help him with the scabbard for his great sword on his back. Truly he had blossomed as a warden. As they fussed over the harness Anders caught sight of a delicate figurine strapped to Carver’s thigh. “Is that an arcane focus?”
Carver brightened a bit. “It was my father’s. Garrett had it fashioned into a dagger for me for Satinalia last year, don’t you remember? I opened it during the party.” He pulled the dagger from its scabbard and held it out for Anders to get a better look.
He took it, vaguely recalling Carver getting a dagger, but Anders was… Well he was too busy feeling sorry for himself to really notice it. He could feel the fade warping around the hilt figure, it was definitely a focus, one that had seen use. One that only Hawke could have gotten for his brother.
Which meant it wasn’t Hawke who gave Anders the seeds.
Oh no. Oh hell. He did it again. He made an assumption and refused to test the truth of it, even though the real answer had been staring him in the face for an entire year. Fenris must be fucking sainted to have not throttled him after a month much less a whole year.
He gave the dagger back to Carver and stood to dust himself off. “Right well. Is everyone ready? I think we all agree on wanting to sleep in a bed tonight.” He needed to get back to Kirkwall. He needed to throw himself at Fenris’ feet and beg him to forgive what an idiot he was.
The others shared a look. They knew something was up with him, but Anders would rather fight a whole other darkspawn surge by himself with no pants than admit to this one.
Garrett also stood. “Right. Let’s get going, I’m in desperate need of a hot meal and a bath.”
They went and if Anders seemed a bit more rushed, none of the others commented on it.
—--
The moon was high when they passed the gates into Lowtown, but masked revelers were still out in the streets. They had made it back in time for Satinalia, after all. If Anders wasn’t so exhausted he would have run to Hightown, to the garden, to Fenris. Maker, what a fool he had been. All that time wasted.
They were heading up the stairs to Hightown when Nathaniel stopped and looked back over his shoulder. “Is there an inn nearby? I should settle for the night before finding Delilah.”
“Nonsense, you can stay with us,” Carver blurted out. He flushed and darted a glance at his brother. “I mean, that is, if my brother has room…”
Hawke raised an eyebrow at Carver. Anders’ eyebrows were pretty high up themselves. “I don’t mind if you stay with us,” Hawke said. “The guest room might be a little musty, but I’m sure it’s open.” And because Garrett Hawke is a total bastard who shows his brother he cares by tormenting him every chance he has, he added, “And if it’s not, I’m sure Carver wouldn’t mind sharing with you.”
Carver looked like he was begging the Maker to smite him on the spot. Nathaniel on the other hand didn’t flinch or cringe or do anything Anders would have expected him to do seven years prior when they were wardens together. Which… no. Anders isn’t touching that. He’s outright ignoring it, in fact.
As with all journeys, the final steps to Hawke’s estate felt the hardest. Excited barking could be heard from the other side of Hawke's door as he fumbled with his keys. Meatloaf came bounding out the door, directly to Carver who crouched down to meet the dog. Leandra and Bethany followed and they both immediately pulled Carver up into a relieved hug.
Merrill practically jumped into Bethany’s arms and gave her a deep, lingering kiss. Happy to be reunited, the women, dragging Carver along with them, ducked into the warmth of the house. Nathaniel followed them as Carver introduced him to his mother. Isabela sauntered in after.
Anders broke away from the group with a tired farewell. Hawke paused, confused. “You don't want to come in and at least warm up a bit?”
Anders regarded Hawke then as he stood in the warm light of a home he bled to build and keep safe. Inside were promises of warmth and love and family and certain belonging, but for Anders the picture was incomplete. He smiled warmly at his friend and shook his head, “Goodnight, Hawke.”
Hawke smiled back. It wasn't one of the tight, concerned smiles he had been giving Anders for some time, but a warm genuine gladness. “Goodnight, Anders. Be safe.”
As tired as Anders was, he still rushed his way to the mansion. It couldn't wait until morning, he had to see Fenris that night. The chantry square was still crowded with worshipers for the midnight mass. Lines of people paced through the square in masks carrying small lanterns. The night air whipped around Ander's face as he tried to navigate his way through the crowd without disrupting the service. The last thing he needed was to cause a scene and be collected by the guard, or worse, Templars.
"Anders!" he turned around as he heard someone call his name, almost fearful he would have to fight his way out. It wasn't a relief to see Sebastian standing above the throng of people on the chantry steps beckoning to him, but it was better than the many other confrontations he could have found himself in. He almost didn't stop, but Sebastian was insistent. He made his way to the priest with far more ease than when he had been trying to get through the crowd.
The priest greeted Anders genteelly. "Happy Satinalia, Anders. If you're back that means the others are as well?"
"Yes," Anders answered a little irritably. Of course Sebastian just wanted to know if his actual friends had made it home. "We found Carver and got him out of the Deep Roads and back home to his mother."
"And your friend?" he asked.
Anders blinked, not expecting Sebastian to care about someone that was important to Anders. "Yes we found Nathaniel as well. He's going to his sister in the morning."
Sebastian smiled brightly. "Two families reunited for Satinalia, truly the Maker is kind to us." His smile faltered a little as he said it, but he put it back in place. "I assume you're going to see Fenris tonight?"
Anders' insides shriveled. Maker, was he that obvious? "Yes."
"Good. I tried to get him to come to mass tonight, but he wouldn't. I'm glad he won't be alone." He paused and gave Anders an appraising look. "He's been very... out of sorts since you've been gone."
Humiliation was pushed aside by chilling guilt. Anders did that. He hurt Fenris when Fenris had done nothing wrong. Even if he had slept with Isabela, Anders had no right to do that to him.
Sebastian waited a moment, but when it became clear Anders had nothing to say, he directed his attention to a sister passing by him heading back towards the chantry doors. "Sister Maria, my friend needs to get to the upper estates, could you lead him through the back of the chantry? It's impossible to get through the crowd."
Even in the low light, Anders could see the sister blush prettily as Sebastian spoke to her. "Of course, brother," she said with a slight bow.
Anders stuttered at Sebastian a moment, not sure how to respond. He settled on a simple "Thank you, happy Satinalia," before following the sister into the chantry and back out of the northern garden. She told him the rest of the way out and he thanked her and rushed out onto the Hightown streets.
He slowed his pace as he walked through the mostly deserted square, the city guard on patrol giving him an eye until she seemed to recognize him with a small wave. He nodded at her, waved back and continued on his way.
His feet seemed to freeze on their own accord when he made it to Fenris' door. He took a deep steadying breath, ascended the stairs and let himself in.
Anders stepped through the threshold of the mansion, it was dark and dilapidated as always, but somehow in a seemingly short time it had become a home to him. It was strange to think of his life without the mansion or the garden or Fenris and Anders could hardly believe he was almost stupid enough to let this slip through his fingers.
As quietly as he could, he made his way up the stairs to where Fenris stayed. The room was dark and cold when he reached it, no sign of Fenris. He could, however, see a light coming from the window that faced the courtyard. Fenris was in the garden. Anders smiled to himself. How appropriate.
Anders went back down stairs and took the familiar path to the garden. He got to the great door that led into the courtyard and paused for a moment with his hand on the latch. A drop of worry entered his mind that maybe he was wrong. Maybe he misread Fenris' intentions. Maybe he just wanted to bring peace to their relationship like Anders had initially wanted when he bought the book of songs. There was so much that could go wrong with the oncoming conversation and Anders had much to risk in bringing it up.
Oh fuck it.
He opened the door and stepped into the garden. The light that Anders had seen from the window was a large bonfire square in the middle of the courtyard. On the ground before it, surrounded by a pile of papers and a wine bottle sat Fenris. The light of the fire reflected off his hair and skin, giving him an ethereal glow that left Anders breathless.
Andraste he was beautiful. Anders always knew he was, he did, in fact, have eyes, but seeing him there in that moment in the flickering light of what they've built together when Anders was going to confess everything he felt for him, Fenris was never more stunning. Anders couldn't believe his fortune that he was allowed to fall for this man. Even Fenris didn't want him the same way, Anders was blessed to have known him as a friend and comrade and almost lover.
As Anders felt he could scarcely breathe for the affection he had in him for Fenris, his ears flicked and he turned to look at Anders staring at him. His eyes widened in surprise and he scrabbled to his feet, kicking over the wine bottle as he did. He swore and rotated his foot, almost losing his balance in the process and tumbling over again. Once he found his balance, he finally addressed Anders, "I didn't know you were back."
Anders' heart did a funny little flip. Was he really not mad about how he left? "We just got in. We found Carver and Nathaniel safe. They came back with us."
"Good. That's good." He looked around nervously, not making eye contact. "Bethany told me, this Nathaniel is a friend of yours?" he asked seemingly unsure.
Anders nodded. "Yes, from when I was a warden. Good man. Terrible sense of humor, but he can't help being nobility."
Fenris snorted a laugh and shook his head. "I'm glad you're back safely."
"Thank you," Anders said sincerely. He crossed the distance between them, for a brief moment he almost pulled Fenris into an embrace, but stopped himself. He instead motioned to the fire. "You cleaned up the dead plants; I'm sorry I wasn't here to help."
"I understand," Fenris said quietly, "it was important."
"You're also important to me," Anders said, the words tumbling from his mouth before he could second guess them. He could just hear Fenris' small gasp. Emboldened, he continued. "I'm sorry for my behavior the morning I left."
"Nothing had happened--" Fenris started, but Anders cut him off.
"I know, but it doesn't matter. I had no right to act that way to you or Isabela." He took a deep breath. "I overreacted because I've been lying to myself about this for so long it all hit at once and I blew up like a petulant child. But even so, you have no obligation to me and my foolishness. Who am I to judge you for growing tired of waiting for me to pull my head out of my arse?"
Fenris let out a choking, incredulous laugh. "Well," he gasped, "to be fair, it's a very big head in a very tiny arse."
Anders snickered. He opened his mouth to defend himself, but was overtaken by a fit of laughter. Fenris was soon laughing with him which further fueled his giggle fit. It was funny and it wasn't funny. Anders had blown up because he couldn't admit his crush on his dearest friend then fucked off to the deep roads for two weeks forcing said friend to stew in the bullshit he left behind.
After a moment their laughter died down. He had so much to say, and while it seemed Fenris already knew, Anders had to say it himself or they wouldn't get anywhere. But for the first time in a long time, his words seemed stuck.
"There's something I've wanted to ask you for the past year," Fenris said, interrupting the silence. He bent down and picked something up from the pile of papers, the song book. He opened it and pulled out an old dried rose.
Anders flushed. He had forgotten he had done that.
"Why?"
"Because I've always been drawn to you and I thought anonymity would keep me safe from any backlash I might face."
The silence was palpable. Anders' stomach churned in anticipation of what Fenris had to say, insecurity beating a drum in the back of his mind.
"Did you pick the song you folded it into purposefully or did you open the book at random?"
"A little of both. I couldn't really understand it, but I could pick out that it was about… love." His heart was pounding in his chest.
"I translated it, would you like to hear it?"
Anders swallowed a lump in his throat and nodded. Fenris sat back down on the ground and gathered up the papers, Anders sat beside him, desperately wanting to touch him, but not sure if it was allowed.
"It was the first one I translated. It drove me mad trying to read it, but once I figured it out, I could move on to the others." He shuffled through the papers, putting them back into order.
He started reciting it, looking at the page, but his eyes were not following along as though he memorized the song, but wanted something to focus on that wasn't Anders.
"Spring rains bring life and change
Our eyes don’t meet as we pass
You say there is too much to risk, Love
But I know I tasted saffron
When we kissed in the downpour."
"Summer heat is slow and still
We get lost in the night sounds
You say we must be careful, Love
But I know I tasted honey
When we kissed beneath the stars."
"Autumn changes in color and wind
We argue about the time
You say it’s impossible, Love
But I know I tasted cinnamon
When we kissed beneath the apple trees."
"Winter is an ending and beginning
We know we must choose soon
You say it will be difficult, Love
But I know I tasted peppermint
When we kissed beside the fire."
"The path is now before us
The choices must be made
Do we linger on our doubt, Love?
Or do we take comfort in the way
Your taste has inspired me."
He shuffled a bit, not meeting Anders' gaze. "I'd sing it as it's meant to be heard, but I don't know the tune. And my singing voice is terrible if I'm being honest."
"I'd still like to hear it, if you ever learn the tune," he replied gently. "Though I don't understand, there's hesitation and choices, but why?"
"The lovers are slaves. They don't know if their master would allow the relationship and they could be separated at any time. It's a bit of a cultural context, if you will. What's more interesting are the flavors of their kisses."
"The flavors?"
"Yes. Expensive flavors like saffron, honey and peppermint. Small rebellions that build into them running away together." He finally met his eyes and Anders could see the bare longing there. "It's a song about rebellion as much as love. Two people finding strength and freedom in each other."
"Why were you out here with it?"
A pause. "I almost threw it into the fire." He looked up at Anders, eyes large and brimming with emotion. "I was confused for so long. I knew you wanted Hawke, but sometimes it seemed…"
Anders didn't let him finish. He kissed him, a gentle press of the lips before he could talk himself out of it, then pulled back with a sigh. “I never claimed to be a smart man.”
“That's a lie,” Fenris breathed, fondly, “but I'll allow it if you kiss me again.”
He did, deepening it to taste the wine on his lips. He caressed his cheek, fingers sliding down his jaw and resting on his pulse point. He wanted to draw it out and savor him. He needed Fenris to know how precious he was, how he inspired him.
Fenris drew back first to whisper against Ander’s lips, “Taste anything sweet, amatus?”
Or he could toss him over his shoulder and take him upstairs. No one has any business being able to make a man shiver like that in four words. He settled for kissing him again. “Agio Pavali and…” he nipped at his upper lip, “hmmm, yes, tavern floor.”
Fenris smiled against the corner of his mouth. “As opposed to the palate pleasing taste of…” a kiss, “salted nug and,” another, “two weeks in the Deep Roads.”
Anders huffed a laugh. He was fairly gross, but Fenris didn’t seem to mind too much and that was good enough for him. He would eventually extract himself and get cleaned up. They’d sleep in each other’s arms and wake together and work side by side in the garden and the clinic, counting each beautiful and precious day into the uncertain future.
Together.
Joyful.
Free.