Chapter Text
The sun was blazing overhead with its scorching heat while everyone was doing their own thing on the beach. Suho, Juntae, and Hyuntak were playing volleyball with some strangers they had just met, while Sieun and Eunjoo sat on shaded lounge chairs, watching them afar and talking about something. Park Humin, on the other hand, sat alone in a corner far from everyone else, weighing the wrong decisions he had made over and over in his head.
It felt like no one had noticed his absence, and that was good. He needed to be alone right now.
He pulled his phone out of the pocket of his red shorts patterned with orange flowers and glanced around. When he made sure once again that no one was paying attention to him, he reached into his other pocket for a worn piece of paper. When he found it, he took it out and opened his phone case to hide it inside. On the small paper, decorated with doodles and hearts, was a photo of two young men standing shoulder to shoulder.
Go Hyuntak and Park Humin.
It was hard for Humin to remember when he had first become friends with Go Hyuntak. It felt as if they had been bound to each other since the moment they were born. To Humin, Hyuntak’s voice felt like the first sound he had ever heard, Hyuntak’s eyes the first thing he had ever seen, and Hyuntak’s heartbeat the first thing he had ever felt.
Hyuntak had always been a collection of firsts to him. His first friend. His first fight. His first success. His first pride. His first heartbreak. His first love.
Go Hyuntak was his first love, and no matter how much he wanted to deny it, he was still madly in love with him.
Of course, this was a secret Humin kept to himself. Since childhood, even he didn’t know when this friendship had turned into love. He couldn’t remember when his heart started reacting to Hyuntak’s voice, or when his breathing begun to shape itself around Hyuntak’s presence. But the feeling had always been there, as long as he could remember. Since his youth, he had been chasing luck, waiting for one day, maybe one day, one day I’ll tell him. But Hyuntak, suspiciously enough, always tried to set him up with every girl he talked to. Because of that, Humin eventually gave up. If Hyuntak was that eager to see him with other people, then fine, let him have what he wanted.
Still, the fire inside him never went out. Humin always wanted to be closer.
He wanted to be the only one who heard Hyuntak’s voice, the only one allowed to look into his beautiful eyes. He wanted to press his chest against Hyuntak’s and hold him until their heartbeats became one. That was why none of his relationships ever went the way Hyuntak hoped they would. Whenever one of Humin’s relationships ended, Hyuntak would panic, grieving as if it were his own breakup. He even talked about heart pain. Every time Humin broke up with someone, Hyuntak would be unable to get out of bed for days because of the pain. This extremely suspicious situation only occurred to Humin later. He tried to deny it, refused to accept the truth, and chose to keep living that way. Until the day Hyuntak finally told him the truth.
Whatever tiny belief Humin had that Hyuntak might love him vanished the moment he learned that Hyuntak was a Cupid. Cupids couldn’t fall in love. Cupids couldn’t feel love.
Cupid Go Hyuntak could never return the love of ordinary human Park Humin.
So Humin did what Hyuntak said. He followed the sparks Hyuntak couldn’t see. Whenever Hyuntak mentioned a spark, Humin went and found that person again, did everything he could afterward. At least that way, Hyuntak wouldn’t suffer. Yes. That was what mattered.
He lifted his eyes from the photograph and looked at the young man running along the beach. Hyuntak had always kept his hair short, but recently he decided to let it grow out a little. As his hair swayed in the wind, standing there shirtless in navy shorts with smooth skin, Hyuntak met Humin’s gaze and Humin couldn’t help swallowing hard. He wasn’t even mentioning the smile that both made his heart ache and bloom at the same time. He quickly looked away, back at the ground. It wasn’t a healthy sight for his heart.
The feelings, wishes, and desires he had been trying to bury since hearing the words “little lover” during his fight with Eunjoo in the past weeks had surfaced again. To be honest, during the rest of that conversation, he hadn’t really been there. He had been imagining an impossible relationship with Hyuntak. What he was doing was nothing but an insult to Eunjoo, he was being cruel. He knew that. Yet he couldn’t stop himself.
Sometimes he imagined grabbing Hyuntak, kissing him desperately, breathing him in, trapping him against his chest and never letting go. But it was an impossible dream. He wished he could do it, but he had neither the courage to confess his love nor Hyuntak’s ability to return it.
“Baku, what are you doing here all alone?”
At the voice behind him, he hid the photo behind his phone without even looking to see who it was.
“Eunjoo’s feeling down. I don’t know what’s going on, but I think you should talk,” Sieun said. Humin hadn’t even noticed when he arrived. He had been with Eunjoo just moments ago.
“Baku?”
“Ah, yes. Things are a bit tense between us lately. Sorry if we’re ruining the mood,” Humin replied quickly. He put his phone into his pocket and stood up to face Sieun, wishing desperately that he hadn’t seen anything. His expression while looking at the photo, the way he watched his one and only Gotak from afar... one slip would be enough for Sieun to figure everything out instantly. That was why Humin wished he had been invisible.
“It’s okay, Baku. I was just… wondering if you’re okay,” Sieun said, his eyes drifting to Humin’s hand in his pocket.
That was when Humin understood. He had seen it. The photo. No, he had seen his feelings.
“Thanks, Sieun. I’ll talk with Eunjoo. I appreciate your concern,” he said, trying to change the subject quickly. But Sieun didn’t take his eyes off him. And his gaze, so soft, so understanding, made Humin want to cry.
He didn’t want Hyuntak to suffer or be put in a difficult position. Not at all. But he didn’t know how much longer he could keep forcing this relationship either. With each passing day, Hyuntak talked more about how the spark between them was fading. And he was right. At first, Humin really had felt something for Eunjoo. He had done everything he could to convince himself that it was love. They had things in common. They had potential. They both wanted to feel something for someone else. Otherwise, sparks wouldn’t appear.
The problem was that no matter how hard Humin tried, no matter how much he wished to fall in love with someone else, he couldn’t love anyone but his best friend. At every step, Hyuntak came to mind. It had been the same in all his other relationships. At the slightest similarity to Hyuntak, he would pause and smile without even realizing it.
Gotak loves doing that too. Gotak loves eating that too. You know, Gotak thought the same way. I think Gotak should come with us too.
Those thoughts were almost constant, and eventually his relationships ended because of them. No one wanted to stay in a relationship with an idiot who let his love for someone else outweigh his love for them. They were right, every breakup happened for the same reason. Even though Humin told Hyuntak different stories and different excuses every time, the root cause was always the same. In the end, everyone said they felt unloved. That the spark between them wasn’t as strong anymore. And even though they meant it metaphorically, Humin knew better, he had learned all of this from Hyuntak. The spark really was fading. Humin tried as hard as he could to keep it alive for Hyuntak’s sake, but he could only betray his own feelings up to a point.
He always thought: If only there were a way to turn him back into a normal human, even then, I’d have a chance.
Cupids couldn’t understand love. They couldn’t feel it. But Humin needed that. He needed Hyuntak to be able to feel love.
Pulling himself out of his thoughts, he walked over to Eunjoo, who was sitting alone. Leaning back on a lounge chair, she was smiling at something on her phone. When she noticed Humin approaching, her brows furrowed. The happiness from five seconds ago vanished instantly, she was still very angry.
Of course she was. Three more people had suddenly joined a plan she hadn’t approved of while Gotak was already included. At least she wasn’t showing it to anyone but Humin.
Humin glanced around. Sieun was now with Suho. Juntae had moved away, talking on the phone. Hyuntak stood in the middle of the sand, watching them. He was distant, but it was obvious. His hair swayed in the wind, his hands tucked into his pockets. He didn’t move, just watched. For a moment, Humin forgot why he had to go with Eunjoo. His eyes found Hyuntak.
Eunjoo cleared her throat, pulling his attention back. “Did something happen, Humin-ah?”
She was sitting upright now, looking at him. Humin crouched down in the sand. “Can we talk? Alone” he said, gesturing to a spot away from the others. Eunjoo stood without a word and held out her hand.
As Humin followed her, his eyes drifted back to Hyuntak. For a brief moment, when their eyes met, he thought about letting go of Eunjoo’s hand and going to Gotak instead. But then he remembered, Hyuntak couldn’t love anyone. He looked away and kept walking. Then he thought, what would happen if this relationship ended? Those damned sparks would just find him again, as if trying to pull him away from Hyuntak. This ridiculous system that knew nothing about love or feelings was trying to control his love life with its own hands.
So he stopped looking back and continued walking with Eunjoo.
In the single second before he turned his head away, he saw something in Hyuntak’s eyes. Disappointment, pain. Then he convinced himself he had imagined it. He should have stopped imagining impossible things years ago, but old habits apparently died hard.
Eunjoo led him to a quiet spot near the shoreline. She let go of his hand and sat down on the sand, looking at him expectantly. Humin sat beside her without hesitation. On the way, he had changed his mind countless times. “Eunjoo, we need to talk.”
“I know, Humin-ah. We’ve needed to talk for a long time,” Eunjoo sighed, turning her head toward the waves. “I just wish it hadn’t been during our amazing beach vacation.”
Humin felt guilty. This conversation would probably create an awkward atmosphere and ruin everyone’s trip. He wondered if he should give up again. Maybe there was still hope for this relationship, maybe it shouldn’t end over small arguments.
“I think we should break up, Humin.” She spoke just as he was about to change his mind. “I know you had the same problem in your other relationships too. I think it’s time you accept it and become aware of it.”
Humin was about to speak, but Eunjoo stopped him. “At first, I truly felt that you loved me. Spending time together was fun. Talking, even just sitting side by side, felt nice.” Her eyes wandered everywhere except him. “But I always felt more like a close friend than your lover. I thought maybe our feelings would deepen over time,” she took a deep breath and continued. “But it got worse, Humin. I know you tried. You always try your best to love the person you’re with, you did that in all your relationships. I know, Humin. You’re a really good person.”
She finally looked into his eyes. “But the person you love was never the one in front of you. Even now, I know who’s in your mind.”
Humin was an open book. The feelings he thought he’d hidden were painfully obvious. He wanted to deny it. “No, Eunjoo. I really love you. Not someone else.”
Eunjoo smiled sadly, her eyes filling with tears. Humin felt awful, he deserved to die right now. All he ever did was break people’s hearts.
“Please don’t lie to yourself, Humin. I’m going to kiss you now. If you feel even the slightest thing, I’ll apologize for doubting you. But I want you to be honest with yourself.” She slowly leaned in. Humin held his breath. He wished to feel something, anything, to have a reason to deny it. When Eunjoo’s lips touched his, nothing happened.
Nothing at all.
He wanted to cry. All he could do was wish the person in front of him were Hyuntak. He had no excuses left. The only lips he wanted to kiss, the only waist he wanted to hold, belonged to Hyuntak.
Pat.
They both pulled away quickly and turned around. Hyuntak was standing behind them, staring, his phone fallen onto the sand.
Fuck, Humin thought.
He bent down quickly, picked up Hyuntak’s phone, and spoke without looking at him. “Sorry. We were heading to the bar, and they asked me to tell you. You guys weren’t checking your phones.”
Eunjoo stood up without responding, walked past Hyuntak. “I’m going back” she said, and disappeared.
Hyuntak let out a fake laugh. “Sorry, buddy. I guess I interrupted you.”
Humin didn’t answer. He was still fighting his emotions, and the last person he wanted to see was standing right in front of him. He felt strange, as if Hyuntak could see all his feelings the moment their eyes met. He turned back to the waves, pulling his knees to his chest, waiting for Hyuntak to leave.
Hyuntak sat down beside him instead. “Hey… I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
Hyuntak thought Humin was upset because he had interrupted them, but Humin was already far away from that moment. “We broke up. I guess that was like a goodbye kiss,” he said without looking at him.
He could imagine Hyuntak’s shocked expression. “What do you mean, you broke up, Baku?” Hyuntak placed his hand on Humin’s shoulder now, trying to face him. But Humin avoided eye contact.
“We broke up. We probably didn’t get along well enough, and… things happened. We broke up.”
Hyuntak took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He should have understood from the fading spark and the pain rising in his chest, but seeing the kiss had confused him. He pressed a hand over his heart as the pain intensified, as if blaming him for the breakup. Their separation felt like his fault.
“But that can’t be, Baku. You loved each other. I know the spark was fading, but if we tried harder, we could’ve fixed it. I know it. You should spend more time alone with her next time.”
Hyuntak sounded like he wasn’t talking to Humin, but to himself. Humin’s pent-up stress was turning into anger now, he couldn’t think straight. “Why did we even come here? We shouldn’t have. If you’d come alone, you could’ve strengthened your spark. This happened because you were stubborn, Baku. If you weren’t so hardheaded, it could’ve continued. I’ve got it, let’s go talk to Eunjoo again.” His hand went back to his chest. He couldn’t tell whether the pain came from the breakup or from forcing the person he loved to be with someone else.
“Come on, Baku, let’s go-” Hyuntak stopped mid-sentence. Humin was standing now. He couldn’t think. He felt suffocated, like he couldn’t breathe.
“I told you it’s over, Gotak. Why won’t you accept it?” His voice was louder than usual. Hyuntak flinched. “You’re only thinking about yourself right now. You’re doing this because you couldn’t save another relationship. You don’t care about my feelings at all, only that stupid spark. You don’t even want to know what I really feel!”
Hyuntak stood up too. He didn’t understand why Humin was angry. Maybe he should’ve backed off, but backing off was what had led them here. So he didn’t stop. He placed his hands on Humin’s arms, forcing him to look at him. “The spark was big, Baku. That’s why I think you shouldn’t give up so quickly. Eunjoo could be your true love,” he said calmly, stepping closer, hoping Humin would calm down too.
It was the wrong move.
Humin shoved his hands away violently.
“You wouldn’t understand!” he shouted, not even realizing how loud he’d become. “You can’t even feel your own fucking emotions! You don’t know love or affection. So tell me, what do you know about real love, huh, Gotak?!”
Silence.
When Humin came to his senses, regret hit him hard. He had said things he should never have said. He knew how sensitive Hyuntak was about this. But it was too late, the words were already out. The only thing he could do now was apologize. Maybe even beg on his knees.
He lifted his hands to touch Hyuntak, but Hyuntak recoiled as if burned, eyes filled with tears.
Humin felt his heart drop into an empty void, as if all the blood had drained from his body. One look at Hyuntak’s tear-filled eyes was enough to shut down all of Humin’s functions. He began to tremble. A huge mistake. A terrible mistake.
“Gogo- fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that, I swear,” he said, trying to reach out again. But Gotak pulled back even more. Hyuntak covered his eyes, as if trying to hide his tears. But his sniffles and flushed face gave him away. Even crying, he looked like an angel.
“How do you know?” He sniffed, smiling now despite his red eyes. Humin froze. How did he know? It was true for all Cupids. “How do you know I can’t feel?”
“Gogo, I’m so sorry, please, please forgive me,” Humin rushed out, even stuttering now. “I know you’re sensitive about this, but I still said horrible things. I just, sometimes… no, almost all the time, I wish you weren’t a Cupid, Gotak.”
Hyuntak looked at him. “I wish that too, Baku. I always do. I wish I hadn’t chosen to become a Cupid. I wish I could escape this. But my duty is your happiness, and you are my priority. Please understand that. I can’t force you into anything, but if I see a path that could lead to your happiness, I can’t ignore it.”
Humin opened his mouth to respond, but stopped when he saw Hyuntak’s reddened eyes. “I hope you know how much you mean to me, Baku. I know you’re upset right now, so let’s not continue this conversation today.” Humin’s eyes drifted to the spot where Hyuntak was clutching his chest tightly. His heart shattered. Once again, he had hurt someone. Once again, he had been useless.
But this time, he couldn’t just accept it and wait.
As Hyuntak walked away, his words echoed in Humin’s mind:
I wish I hadn’t chosen to be a Cupid. I wish I could escape this.
If there was a way, Humin would find it. He would save his friend, and himself, from this ridiculous fate waiting for them.