Chapter Text
NOVEMBER 7TH, 1987
He had cried, practically the whole night.
Not just from sadness but from, emptiness.
He felt empty, hollow, he had thought back to what Dustin said earlier about losing apart of yourself, feeling incomplete.
What an understatement, He thought once more.
The Party stayed the time, they had all slept in the basement, Will had been pretty much living here anyway but Max slept on the couch with Lucas cuddling her, Will slept in his usual sleeping bag while Dustin slept in one as well.
Mike had slept in the reconstructed fort, that is if sleeping means staring off into space and thinking. Yes, he was very well rested if that were the case.
Was this how it was always going to be? restless nights, crying himself to sleep just to wake up in the middle of the night unfulfilled, feeling as though he's missed something. Who was he kidding, He missed her. He wasn't looking for anything metaphorical, physiological, theoretical or anything like that. He missed her.
This was my first night without You, El, and I'm already a mess without You.
His arms and legs were sprawled out as much as possible, stretching as much as the confined space let him. In a way, he felt trapped. Not in a bad way but he was stuck, Is this…grief?
Was he grieving? So soon? It had just happened. It hadn't even been 48 hours yet and he was already grieving? No. Grieving doesn't feel like this. This is something else.
He didn't give much thought to what he was experiencing as long as it wasn't grieve, grieve would mean that he was ready to move on. He was not. Would he ever be?
He thought to answer to question but left it rhetoric for now as he didn't have an answer. There didn't feel like there was a right answer.
There shouldn't be a right answer.
He continued staring off into space for the coming hours to pass the time while these thoughts replayed in his mind like a VHS tape. Every time he reached the same conclusion or lack there of, He couldn't fathom an answer. Even thinking about the possibility that it'd be okay to move on made him feel weird, made him feel fake, made him feel like he was betraying her.
Eventually the sun rose, and he saw his friends begin to stir in their sleep as the birds chirping and sunlight coming in from the windows.
The image was surreal.
Things just went back to normal, the sun rose, the wind whistled it's favorite tunes, and Dustin still snored like there was no tomorrow. Not that he minded, He had gotten used to it.
Yes, He had gotten used to it. He had gotten used to a lot of things, something he wasn't used to, was change.
No. That wasn't it. Things had changed on this very day, November 7th, 1983. That was the day it had all changed. When I changed. You changed me that day, even if I didn't know it, yet. I had changed.
Now, things have changed but it's different.
This wasn't the beautiful change that you'd expect from a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, It was just different. Things were different.
Why are things different?
He tried to account. He'd never be able to call her on the phone or with his supercomm anymore. That was different.
He'd never be able to annoy Hopper with his instance calling almost every day anymore. That was different.
He'd never be able to give her gifts or presents and watch how he face lights up when she opens it. He had never given the most grand gifts and she had known that but she always went out of her way to make it seem like he had given her the world. That thought sparked a partial laugh in him. That was different.
He'd never be able to hold her like all those times when she had grown tired or was injured, His heart broke every time she had collapsed due to injuries or exhaustion. It gave him a sense of urgency that was foreign to him but he didn't hate it. In a way it just showed that he cared. That was different.
He'd never be able to feel her hugs anymore. She always had the tightest hugs. Warm, soft, compassionate, loving, it had felt as if you were hugging Marshmellow Man. He thought. Capturing her in an embrace was the thing he thought of most. It felt like if he could hug her, He could whisk her away from all the danger and just keep her in his arms, She'd be safe. That was different.
He'd never be able to dance with her anymore despite both of them being terrible at the art. It was okay though. Every breath they took, they felt as if they were in their own world. No one could bother them, he had danced for her amusement. He had made a fool of himself even if it it meant exciting the smallest grin from her. He couldn't do that anymore. That's different.
He'd never be able to talk to her about the future anymore. The three waterfalls in a far off deserted area. Somewhere that no one would ever find them or bother them. It had sounded childish in retrospec, goofy, unrealistic, but with her. It felt like a reality. It felt like anything was possible. Turns out that was just a pipe dream. That's different.
He'd never be able to feel her touch in his mind anymore. The feeling had basically been intrinsic up to this point. It paranoid him at times due to not knowing whether she was spying on him like she had done previously, She probably wasn't but he was weary of doing embarrassing things if he could feel her. He missed stuff like that, He missed that feeling that felt like like there was always a part of her with him. He doesn't have that anymore. He's painfully aware. That's different.
That's when his thinking was now impaired and his vision had grew blurry from tears that appeared, He tried to wipe them away but his body had a mind or more so, heart of its own as it kept piling on.
He'd never be able to kiss her anymore. he'd never be able to intertwine his hands with hers anymore, he'd never be able to compliment her and tell her how beautiful she is, he'd never be able to twirl or grab her in the air as they hugged and kissed, their hands would never roam through each others hair while comforting or embracing each other anymore.
He'd never be able to do anything because she's gone.
He didn't waste anytime maneuvering until he got out of the fort, struggling to escape the blankets and pillows he put around it.
He ran up the basement stairs, It probably woke the others but he didn't care at that moment.
He needed fresh air.
He ran outside and it had seemed like he ran a marathon. His heart racing, his breath coming in heavy, his legs gave out as he just sat outside for a bit trying to relax himself.
He couldn't tell how long it had been. It could of been a few minutes, a few hours, he wasn't keeping track of the time, he just needed to relax but no matter what he did. It felt as though those thoughts were just apart of him.
I don't understand. That was the constant. He never understood. He could see the thought process but he'd never understand. How could she expect me to explain it to the others if he didn't understand himself.
He had stopped crying, whether if it had been from his sadness dying down or his eye growing dry. He didn't know. It didn't make a difference.
It didn't make a difference because he'd always find himself exactly where his mind always leads him.
He'd always find himself…
"Reliving things." The voice protruded through but he hadn't given it much thought until he did a double take.
Did I say that out loud? He thought but then turned around to see his sister.
"Mind if I sit?" She asked softly.
"It's a free country." He replied in a whisper, as he continued to stare into space.
"You and I know very well that's not true." She tried to joke but it felt on deaf ears.
The two Wheeler siblings sat in silence for a while. They had never really had a heart to heart with each other. Either because there was no time or they just had different things going on. He was never bent out of shape about it, His relationship with Nancy wasn't made out of iron but with everything that's happened they had undoubtedly grown closer.
Nancy spoke out first as if it had been eating away at her. "You know, You know," She stammered on, trying to find the right words. "I, I was lost when Barb had died. I had blamed myself entirely and it's how I got involved in this. Even now, I find myself thinking, if I had just done something, she'd be alive."
This grabbed his attention, He hadn't known the death of his sister's friend still tore away at her like this.
"I'm sorry, Nancy." He said softly with a nod.
"Mike. I didn't tell you that to..I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. You and I are more similar than you think, It's that and I've watched you love that girl for years." Mike breath hitched at the statement but they both chose to ignore it. "When I lost barb, I was a mess. I couldn't think straight, I pushed people away, I acted like a…" She tried to find a word, only to be cut off abruptly.
"Bitch." He couldn't help but finish with a small grin but it dropped immediately as he turned to her in surprise at his own words.
"Yes, Mike. I acted like a bitch." She let out a small laugh. She was glad he could still joke at least, even if it was at her expense. "Losing someone important to you. It feels like.."
"You've lost a piece of yourself. You feel incomplete without them." He finished once more, thinking back to what Dustin said about Eddie.
"Yes, that. It does feel like that but when barb died, It felt like a part of me died. I hated that feeling, It was such a bullshit feeling. I didn't think I deserved love or to be happy or anything."
He listened to her words, It wasn't exactly how he felt but..but it was close. Those words resonated with him.
"Why are you telling me this?" He asked, curiously.
"Well. Like I said, Mike. You and I are more alike than you think. I know you're hurting. It's completely normal. You just lost El." He tensed at the use of her name. "I still remember when you gave her my old dress and we were filling that pool with salt for her. You thought that liking her was gross. I always knew though, deep down, I knew. When I watched you reunite with her in Joyce's house while she looked like she had missed Metallica concert, I always knew. When I saw the way you looked at her during the snowball, I just knew. I don't know why I was ever surprised in the cabin. It wasn't rocket science. You loved her."
Those memories flooded into his head at every mention, it was like he had taken a trip down memory lane.
-
She looked absolutely beautiful, the pink dress fit her to perfection and the blonde wig somehow made her face even softer looking. Her makeup had been applied wonderfully.
“Pretty.” Mike blurted out in a daze, eyes stuck on her.
-
“And do you like Eleven?” Nancy suddenly questioned.
Mike turned around obviously flustered at her question. “What? No. Ew. Gross.” His words sounded weak, even to him.
-
Mike and El slowly approached each other, as if something was pulling them together.
“Eleven.” He breathed, already wrapping his arms around her.
“Mike.” She fell into his embrace with ease.
Mike pulled back from the hug with tears running down his cheeks and a huge grin on his face. “I never gave up on you. I called you every night. Every night for-“
“353 days.” She whispered. “I heard.”
-
Meanwhile, Mike was sat alone, looking depressed.
But then, like he just…sensed her, he looked towards the door.
Her hair was curled nicely, and she was wearing a nice dress that put her previous one to shame. She looked a little lost, like she didn’t entirely know how to fit in with the crowd, but she was still the most beautiful girl Mike had ever seen in his life.
Mike stood up in an instant, brightening when he saw her. El found him just as easily and the two approached each other.
“You look beautiful.” Were the first words to leave his mouth, making her grin. “Do you wanna dance?”
“…I don’t know how.” She admitted softly, looking around.
He shrugged. “I don’t either…” Then he grinned sheepishly. “Wanna figure it out?”
She nodded and he pulled her onto the dance floor, positioning her roughly how she was supposed to be before setting his own hands on her waist. They began to sway to the music, grinning widely.
And then Mike and El were following suit, as if it was the most natural thing in the world; because it was, at least for them. They shared their kiss and looked at each other like they were the only two left in the world, and for once, everything finally felt perfect.
-
“I’m just trying to demonstrate how carless Max is with Eleven’s powers, in fact how careless ALL of you are!”
“You’re treating her like she’s a machine, but she’s not a machine and I don’t want her to die looking for the flayed when they’ve obviously vanished off the face of the earth!”
“SO CAN WE PLEASE JUST COME UP WITH A NEW PLAN BECAUSE I LOVE HER AND I CAN’T LOSE HER AGAIN!”
-
He tried his hardest, he really did but he gave out once more, his nose sniffling, his breath hitched as his eyes began to water once more.
Nancy inched closer to him, until they were right next to each other and before she knew it, She had rested her hands on him and leaned him into her.
He didn't protest the gesture, It only made him become even more undone than he was previous as he cried into her shirt while she cradled his head.
"I don't understand.." He softly spoke but his voice was breaking.
"Mike. You don't have to understand, I still don't understand. It took me a long time to find some semblance of peace, normalcy and sometimes I still find myself thinking about what could- What should of been." She corrected herself.
"I can't imagine how it feels for you but I know staying like this, It won't help you. El wouldn't want you to suffer like this. She'd want you to keep going, she'd want you to keep living. I'd love it if you listened to those thoughts instead."
His eyes had dried out again as he listened attentively before he began to speak.
"Yeah..yeah I think giving those thoughts a break, would do me some good." He sniffled and try to speak on the bright side but his despair was on displace much easier.
"Why don't you come inside, grab some breakfast." She reasoned. She knew she couldn't fully break through to Mike, Not after one discussion, the best case was to help him take his mind off things for a while.
"Yeah, okay, sure." He sniffled once more and removed himself from his sister. "Sorry about your shirt." He mumbled softly at the acknowledgement that he had messed it up during their talk.
"Hey, Mike. Don't worry about it. I made sure to purposely wear a shirt I don't like." She joked and to her surprise, she got a small chuckle in response. She nudged him and started getting up, giving him a hand.
He looked up at her for a moment, hesitantly he took the hand and she led him back into the house.
Everyone that had stayed the night had woken up to eat breakfast with the Wheelers. They ate in silence for the most part until someone broke the quietness.
"So, do you guys have ketchup?" Dustin mumbled.
"Why do you need ketchup? You're eating eggs." Max stated.
"I'm sorry, have you never tried ketchup with your eggs?" Dustin questioned.
"Uhh, No. I'm not a weirdo." Max huffed.
"Lucas, Please speak to your girlfriend. I can't even look at you right now." Dustin Insisted.
"It's not a bad combination. You should definitely try it out." Lucas said between bites as he stared at Max.
"First. Finish chewing. Second. Ew, gross, I didn't take you for a ketchup and eggs guy, Stalker. " Max chastised.
"It's really not all that bad, don't knock it till you try it." Lucas protested.
"Could be worse. It could be Syrup and Eggs." Will chimed in.
"Seriously Dude?" Mike said in defeat.
"Wow. Just when I thought Mike couldn't get anymore gross." She joked.
"I'd like to have you know that syrup and eggs is a wonderful combination. You're torturing your tastebuds by missing out." Mike defended. Only for Lucas and and Will to mouth 'You're not missing out on anything'
"Okay, screw you guys, at least that's a breakfast combination. Ketchup and eggs is cursed." Mike retorted.
"If you can try syrup and eggs, you can CERTAINLY try ketchup and eggs." Dustin scoffed.
Everyone else who wasn't in the party took pleasure in watching the kids mess around and have serious debates over stupid topics. It had reminded them that they'd be alright. They were tough, strong, and incredibly smart kids.
"Come on Will, We need a tie breaker." Lucas spoke up. They were still on the same debate, except now they were debating which was weirder.
"Nope. I have no opinion." Will protested.
"Will, think about all those disgusting calories being drenched in your eggs." Dustin reasoned.
"You can't frame it like that, It's bullshit. Ketchup has twice as many calories." Mike retorted.
"It does not." Lucas scoffed.
"Syrup might as well be calorie sauce." Dustin added.
"You guys are ridiculous." Max shook her head.
"You're literally in the debate." Lucas exclaimed.
"Yeah but I don't like either of the two."
"How do you know? you've never tried them." Lucas reasoned.
"How are you even on a side if you've never tasted either." Dustin wondered.
"It's called picking the lesser evil, Dusty bun." She grinned.
Dustin started laughing mockingly before stopping abruptly and flipping her off.
This was nice. Eating breakfast with his friends while talking about nonsense. Nothing could ruin this moment.
"Hey does anyone want any eggos?" Holly questioned as she was about to toast some.
The question had silenced everyone. Forks dropped. Thoughts that had consumed everyone the night prior returned.
Mike excused himself hastily but to everyone's surprise, he didn't go to his room or to the basement, he went running to the garage. He got on his bike and just started peddling.
Nancy and the others had run out to see where he had went but like that, he was gone.
"Did I say something wrong?" Holly questioned but it seemed like she had already known the answer.
"No, Holly. It was just a mistake. You couldn't have known." Nancy added.
"Known what?" Holly blinked.
"Eggos are El's favorite breakfast." Will explained.
"Food." Everyone corrected him. They had all witnessed El's unhealthy obsession with the product.
"Should we go after him?" Dustin breathed in disbelief, breaking the momentary silence.
"I think we should give him some time, we'll go after him if he's gone too long." Lucas reasoned and everyone agreed.
Meanwhile when everyone returned, they were surprised by the fact that Max had willingly put syrup in her eggs and was eating them with no issue.
"What happened to picking the lesser evil?" Dustin mocked her.
She flipped him off in response and they all began eating again.
Holly was wrecked with guilt that she had ruined things for everyone but Nancy comforted her.
He had biked up and town down until he reached his destination on the outskirts of everything.
He walked up to the cabin, hesitantly he knocked on the door and awaited a response.
Joyce opened up surprised until she relaxed at the realization that it was just Mike. "Hey, come in, Mike."
He only briefly nodded and walked in at her request. Things were awkward. The last time he was here, El had told him he can't write the ending. That it wasn't one of his campaigns. He had thought he had gotten through to her but ultimately, she was right. This wasn't one of his campaigns where he can write the ending.
If only it was. He would of given her the best ending she could ever desire, she deserved that.
"Hey, Kid." Hopper came into the picture, He had seen better days but who could blame him. Everything took it's toll, unfortunately for Hopper. You couldn't see where he began and where the Toll's ended.
"Hey." The first word he had blurted out.
They stood there in silence, a common theme with Mike by now as he tried to find the words.
"What brings you here?" Hopper questioned but soon found himself regretting it because of how it came off. "That didn't come out right. You get what I mean."
"Yeah, yeah." Mike nodded along. "I uhh, I wanted your help on something." He began but didn't elaborate.
Hopper gave him a look of curiosity mixed with confusion.
"How did you find her? The first time around I mean?" The her in question didn't need any introduction or name drop.
Hopper's face contorted a bit, taken a back by the question until it all sort of clicked.
Mike had looked like a mess generally speaking. His hair was all over the place, the dark circles under his eyes suggested he hadn't slept not even a bit, his eyes were practically swollen from the crying and every so often he would sniffle his nose to keep back snot.
He himself hadn't made peace with El's decision, not in any conceivable way, but looking at Mike. The pain only intensified.
He walked over to Mike, and merely pulled him into an embrace once more. Just like he had done before at the military base and all those years ago at the old Byer household.
They stood there. Not saying anything, not thinking about anything.
Just trying to cope with the pain.