Chapter Text
What’s your name? he could hear the question in his head, like he was talking on the phone, except the phone was inside his brain.
Embry Call, he said- thought? Who the fuck was he talking to?
Embry, I’m Sam Uley. You’re going to be okay.
Sam Uley. Sam Uley, the guy he, Quil, and Jake had made a pastime of mocking for the past year.
“Why do they all have crew cuts?” Embry had said with distaste, just a week ago, in Jake’s garage.
“They look so stupid,” Jake said, tone breaking from his usual mellow.
“Like a low-rent NSYNC,” Embry said.
This was a lazy joke, but Quil had guffawed, “I wonder if they’re practicing choreography. They do kind of move in sync.”
Rude, a new voice thought, and Embry realized with horror the voice had seen his memory as he remembered it.
Paul and Jared are here too. Embry could see images of green moss and trees in his head, each different than the ones he was seeing right in front of his face. It was insanely trippy.
Am I on drugs? He thought to himself. Maybe someone drugged him. Or poisoned him. The cafeteria meatloaf was always a risk.
No, you're not, and Embry jumped again at the other foreign voice inside his fucking head.
Oh, God, this is my worst nightmare, Embry thought the moment he realized they could hear his thoughts. They must be able to, right, if they were talking back? The last few months he’d had a nagging paranoia that someone would be able to look at him and just know he was thinking humiliating, horny, shameful-
Embry, calm down, Sam thought, authoritative. Like a drill sergeant.
It’s going to be okay, Sam thought again, softer.
The thing is, when you were trying really hard not to think about something, it became all you thought about. Embry’s brain immediately went to that fantasy he’d been having for weeks of pushing Quil against a wall and kissing him.
Oh, jeez, gross.
Paul, shut up, Sergeant Sam thought, though he sounded put off a little too, Embry, just focus on me. Where are you?
Where am I? Where am I? In the fucking woods for some reason. He didn't even like nature.
He had been walking home from Jake’s house. He’d had a fight with Quil. Embry started the fight. He’d just had this anger he couldn’t shake, and why couldn’t Quil ever say what Embry wanted him to say? He’d swung at him, and Jake pulled him off, told him to take a lap, no fighting in the garage, which made him mad because Jake always acted like he was in charge and was always telling Quil to shut up and Embry was mad at Quil in that moment and also mad at Jake for always doing that to Quil at the same time. Embry had just stormed off down the long empty road Jake's house was at the end of. When he was out of sight, he crouched down and rummaged through the CDs in his backpack to find something that matched how he felt, but his hands were shaking violently. He’d broken one- Winter Mix Volume 4. He thought he was going to puke, then he felt like he was on fire, and then he’d…exploded?
Okay, just keep heading straight. I’m almost by you.
Maybe I’m dead. You die when you explode, right? Maybe he’d been struck by lightning and exploded and died. Maybe he'd stepped on a landmine that for some reason had been buried on the reservation, and these thoughts were ghosts.
You’re not dead.
Maybe I’m in a coma.
You’re not in a coma.
You’re a werewolf, a new voice said, Welcome to the club. I’m Jared
I was definitely drugged, he thought, and they groaned.
He’d been running for ages, instinctually following the sound of a…howling. It only occurred to him then to look down.
What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, are those fucking paws? In a moment of hysteria, he thought about the scene girls who wore pink furry paws and tails.
What.
He stopped running and looked around, but everything was wrong. He was too tall, most of his body was behind him, and everything was too loud, too vivid, too smelly.
Can werewolves even read minds? Embry had seen a lot of dumb monster movies, and that definitely wasn’t a werewolf thing.
The real ones do. It’s how we communicate, Sam thought, I know it’s weird, but you’ll get used to it.
No, you really won’t, thought the guy who’d been told to shut up before. How do you shut up thoughts though?
Wouldn’t we love to know.
---
I don't wanna join your club
I don't want your kind of love
---
When Embry had finally gotten on two feet again- only took you a day, that’s a record, Sam had said like it was something to be proud of- the other wolves brought him to the house where Sam lived with his girlfriend, Emily Young, the poor girl who’d been mauled by a bear. She was Sam's ex Leah Clearwater's cousin, a rez scandal notorious enough to have trickled down into even Embry’s knowledge. She fed them spaghetti from a pot the size of an oil drum, and Embry dug in, spilling sauce on the shirt Sam had loaned him.
Embry had liked comic books a lot when he was little. One of his mom’s boyfriends had brought him one every time he came over- Jeff, almost a keeper. Embry thought this what it felt like to find out you were a mutant, except in this version, the X-Men was made up of just three Wolverines. He was in the part where you got to the school, and Hugh Jackman was telling you all about the basics of your new superpower- what triggered phasing, the physical changes you’d go through, and the importance of the secret identity. Embry thought he was kind of like Beast more than Wolverine; his inside didn't match his outside. He may look big and furry and tough, but he really just wanted to stay home with a good book.
This also felt like joining one of those weird churches whose followers called themselves survivors when they later went on Oprah. You can’t talk to your mom or your friends about any of this. Your life is the pack, you live to fight the Cold Ones, we are your brothers, now take a blood oath. Embry’s life was actually about passing trigonometry and waiting for the next MCR album to come out, thank you very much. They weren't much, but he had, like, some dreams. Vague ideas of moving to Seattle one day, or maybe Portland or San Francisco, at least for a few years. He thought wistfully about living in a punk house, maybe working at a music venue so he could see the bands for free. Even that humble ambition he now couldn’t have until all the vampires were dead.
“And one more thing,” Sam had said, as if there hadn’t just been ten thousand things insane thrown at him, “We should cut your hair.”
“No!” Embry said, his hand flying to his head.
“It’ll make you faster,” Jared said, “Would you rather have your punk haircut or get caught by a vampire?
Embry was too upset to correct Jared on the finer nuances of the sub-genre, “It’s not even that long!”
“It gets longer when you phase,” Paul said, “Don’t be a wuss. We’re like Olympic swimmers. Aerodynamics and shit.”
“But I’ll look like a normie,” Embry said.
“A what?” Paul said, laughing. That only made Embry angrier. All this shit was bad enough. He was losing his friends, his Mom, his whole life. Not to mention his fucking CD player. He needed to have one thing to remind himself he wasn’t gone forever.
“I’ll ask my mom to cut it,” Embry said, “So it doesn’t look so bad. No offense.”
“You can’t tell your- “
“-I’m not!” Embry said, “She's a hairdresser. I’ll do it soon. Shit, shouldn’t I go home? She must be worried.”
“Mr. Black called her to cover for you,” Sam said.
“Wait- Jake’s dad knows about all this?” Embry said.
“He's on the council,” Sam said, “The Black’s are descended from the last wolves.”
“Does that mean this is gonna happen to Jake?”
“Almost definitely,” Sam said.
Embry’s heart sunk, “Jake will hate this. And then if Jake’s joined us, Quil will think he’s been completely abandoned.” Quil wasn’t built to be alone. He’d go crazy if it felt like Embry and Jake just started hating him out of nowhere. Anyone would.
“Well, the Ateara kid’s got the gene too so,” Jared said.
No, no, no, no way in hell, Quil could not read his fucking mind. Even if it meant hunting down every Cold One on earth himself, he would do whatever it took to make sure Quil never, ever phased.
“So, what, this is all just down to a Punnett square?” Embry said, “Are you guys keeping a list or something?”
“We were kind of wondering about that, actually,” Jared said, “Because we all had money on Black being next, we didn’t even see you coming. And we’re all descended from the last wolves, and your mom isn’t. So…who’s your dad?”
None of your business, Embry was about to spit out his usual answer. But they could read his mind so that was futile.
“I don’t know,” Embry said, “My mom said she’d tell me when I’m older.”
“Are you not older yet?” Paul said with a mean laugh. He was good at those. Embry would never hang out with this guy in any other circumstances. Paul was probably thinking the same thing.
“It doesn’t really matter,” Sam said, “But my dad’s a direct descendant. He left us when I was a kid. So." So maybe he had sex with your mom at some point in there?
Embry looked at Sam anew. God, he’d never considered the possibility of half-siblings walking around. He hoped his Mom would spare him from being blind-sided like that.
“Isn't there anyone else it could be?” Embry said.
“Like we said, Billy Black’s descended from the last Alpha. And the late Mr. Ateara.”
As if that attraction wasn’t doomed enough. Please don't make us brothers, cruel world. Anyone but Quil’s poor dead dad. Quil would hate him for ruining the memory of him.
“So, no matter what, your mom’s a homewrecker,” Paul said.
Embry didn’t even try to stop it. His wolf went right for Paul’s throat.
---
If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
---
After he destroyed half their kitchen and calmed down enough to phase back and stay that way for a couple hours, Sam walked him home.
“Sorry about the kitchen,” Embry mumbled.
“I told you I blame Paul,” Sam said, “Are you good?”
“Can you please stop asking me that?” Embry said. Of course, he wasn't good. He could literally feel the wolf inside of him pacing back and forth, whining desperately to be let out. But Embry was pretty good at shoving his feelings down, and this wolf would have to learn to deal.
“I mean, I guess I have to be,” Embry said.
“That’s the spirit,” Sam said, “It’s hard. I’m not going to pretend it’s not. None of us chose it. But it’s a duty. Just remember that, when it gets tough. You’re part of something bigger.”
Okay, one point to the creepy church analogy, Embry thought.
“So, I just…what, live my life, and wait for you to howl like the bat signal?” Embry said. Sam grinned.
“You’re probably going to feel like shit for a few days. Your body has to finish adjusting, you might grow some more. Just try to stay on two feet and not tip anyone off. In a day or two, we’ll run your first patrol."
Oh, God, he’ll be back in my head, Embry thought, and the discomfort must have been plain on his face. Sam cleared his throat.
“Obviously, we don’t really have secrets in the pack,” Sam said, looking suddenly, extremely awkward, “But you’re our brother now. No matter what.”
No matter what gay shit you're thinking about, he meant. Red hot embarrassment went through Embry. Sam was trying to be nice, but fuck, this was still basically a stranger. Embry was the fresh meat, while these guys had been together for months. He was entirely at their mercy.
“Whatever, man,” Embry said. He was trying to sound tough. He just sounded like a scared little boy.
---
You might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
'Cause I don't want you to know where I am
'Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state its ever been
---
He didn't have to fake being sick for his mom. She felt his fever and saw how the ache of body was genuine. She never questioned him anyway- he didn't lie to her, historically. Not yet. She didn't hover either, which was good, just left him soup to heat up and went to work. He stretched it out for a week and took the cold syrup she got him, claiming he could feel it helping.
At the end of it, he was two inches taller. A hair over six foot, he guessed from how he now smacked his forehead on all the doorframes in his house. The ceilings had never seemed low to him before. When his mom was at work, he looked at himself naked in the full-length mirror in her room, taking in his new body with equal parts revolt and fascination. He definitely had more muscle tone than before, but he was nowhere near as jacked as the other wolves. Maybe if he ate enough as them, he'd put on some bulk. But right now, he looked unnaturally slim and long. He looked like a freak. He was constantly uncomfortable in this body too. All his clothes were too short and too warm, and he was hungry and irritated all the time. He thought about how when he was little, and old ladies in the supermarket thought he was a girl because of his long hair and high voice. He would never be mistaken for something pretty or delicate ever again. He wouldn't need even that, he'd be happy to just look normal, to blend in and fit in every space. He'd throw away the black nail polish he was never brave enough to wear and all his CDs and happily be called a normie now if it meant not feeling so goddamn awful.
---
I'm coming up man-sized
Skinned alive
I want to fit
I've got to get
Man-sized
Silence my lady head
Get girl out of my head
Douse hair with gasoline
Set it light and set it free
---
He tried to hang on to Quil and Jake. Sam told him to try and go to school as much as he could to not raise suspicion, so Embry still saw them there. It actually took them a while for them to catch on that their best friend had switched species. They were guys. They didn’t make a big deal out of sick days or new haircuts. But he could never hang out after school anymore. The skipped classes piled up, and when he was there, he was exhausted from patrolling and going down periodic mental spirals. He had nothing to talk about anyway about since he couldn’t talk about vampires, mind-reading, or how he can actually still smell the meatballs the cafeteria served last week. This was why Peter Parker had to be a friendless loser.
It all fell apart in an overly dramatic fashion. In between periods, Embry was sleep-walking through a long, one-sided conversation about how Quil had almost gotten the phone number of a girl at the beach.
“Embry,” the voice was low enough Quil didn’t notice, but Embry had super-hearing. He stopped short and looked over his shoulder. Jared was leaning against the lockers, looking at him gravely. Paul and Sam were supposed to be on patrols, so if Jared was getting him, it meant they needed back-up. It meant vampires.
“I think I gotta go,” Embry said, “I…I don’t feel good.”
“What’s wrong?” Quil said.
“I don’t know, um, I'll go to the nurse. Can you tell Mrs. Scott I had to barf or something?” Embry said. He started heading towards Jared.
“Embry, wait!” Quil said, and he turned around, “You’re lying.”
“No, I’m not,” Embry said, too flip. He sucked at this.
“Yeah, you are. Where are you really going? This is like the fifth time you just bailed in the middle of school.”
“I-I just have to go, okay? I’ll explain later,” Embry said. He’d chase the vampire and then come back and make up a better lie.
“Embry,” Jared said again, and Embry snapped at him across the hall, “I know!”
“What?” Quil said, “Wait- are you leaving with one of Uley’s cronies right now?”
“You don’t know shit about it,” Embry snapped, sounding a lot like Paul. They’d run together last night. They were all rubbing off on each other.
“What the fuck?” Quil said, “You? I mean, you, of all people, are in Sam’s gang?”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Cause my mom’s not from here?” Embry said, even though Quil had never said anything bad about his mom, been one of the few kids not to.
“No! Just- you’re like the most, you’re different in a good way, you’re too good for-“ Quil was out of words. It was unsettling. And the way he’d said “too good” kind of made him want to cry, quelling his anger with something just as strong and warm.
“Why would you want to join up with guys like them? Did we do something?” Quil said, sounding so sorry it made Embry ache.
“Embry, we really got to go,” Jared said, with the second’s commanding tone, and Embry was grateful for it because it was the only thing that could have gotten his legs moving to the closest exit. Outside, it was raining, of course, for added drama.
Embry looked over his shoulder once as he ran after Jared. Quil was standing there with a look of utter betrayal on his face.
Jake tried to talk to him later, with his big, concerned eyes, and it was easier for Embry to mimic his brothers then. Pretending he’d been brainwashed was easier, rather than let slip that he was still the same guy inside, just furry and terrified and with a terrible haircut.
---
I will never ask if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you'll never love me
---
If Embry had any poetic sense, he could write an emo album for the ages about his fucking life. A queer teenage werewolf with a big paternal mystery. He could sell it to MCR as a concept album. His mom named him after an actor on her favorite soap opera, and now he lived inside one.
He and his mom had always been, like, friends, though he’d rather die than tell anyone that. It’d been just the two of them since Gran died five years ago. Gran was the one who took him to school and made most of the meals and knew about things like discipline. Mom was more like a cool older sister who talked to him about her boyfriends and leant him her cassette tapes.
There were only four wolves, and Sam ideally always wanted someone patrolling while there was a known leech on the loose. Sam would probably patrol 24/7 if not for Emily or his needs for survival. He preferred Embry to run in a pair while he was new; Jared joked he didn't trust the baby to be left alone without a sitter. That meant everyone had long, near-daily shifts. Sam cut him and Jared some slack since they were trying to stay in school, but slack meant running from dusk to dawn so they could make it to class.
It took a minute for his mom to catch on. But it only took one time for her to find his bed empty in the middle of the night to freak her out. He'd lied and said he slept at Jake's and forgot to tell her. But when he did the same thing the next night and a couple nights later and wouldn't tell her why, everything between them changed. He was a good kid, always had been. Minded curfew, had nice friends, did his chores. She wasn't used to being mad at him, to him lying to her face, and he knew she was scared for whatever she thought he was wrapped up in. He started to sleep on Sam’s couch after patrols, but the longer he stayed away from home, the worse it got. He'd ended up cutting his own hair because he couldn’t even talk to her for more than a few minutes without nearly losing his temper.
But one night, he’d had to go home to get some fresh pants and get away from Emily and Sam and because he really did just want one good night of sleep in his own, too-small bed. He came in the front door, and there was no yelling. Mom had fallen asleep on the couch, still sitting up, with her head hanging back. She had new, deep lines under her eyes. He sat down next to her, like he used to every night and put his head in her lap.
“Baby,” she said, waking after a few minutes. She was pleading, not yelling, “What’s going on?”
“Everything sucks,” he said, “My friends hate me.”
“They’d never hate you. You three love each other.”
“Not now,” he said, “Everything’s different.”
“I don’t get what changed,” she said.
“I- it just did. I’m different. And- and I really need to know, Mom.”
“Know what, baby?”
He sat up and looked at her, “Who my dad is.” He hadn’t planned to ask that in this moment, but if he could just solve this one little thing in the shit pile, it might make things better.
“Oh. Oh. Did one of your friends say something? Is that what’s been bothering you?"
“No, not like that. I just need to know now more than before. Not even his name, just yes or no, is it Mr. Ateara?”
His mom looked confused for a second, “The dead one?”
“Yes, the dead one. The alive ones are fifteen and seventy-five,” he snapped.
His mom burst out laughing, ignoring his temper, “No, honey, your father is not any of the Quil Ateara’s.”
Embry breathed a deep a sigh of relief. Thank Christ. One not-shitty piece of news.
“I forgot about him. Poor man,” she said, shaking her head, “Died in a flood, right?”
“It’s kind of messed up you make me play twenty questions about this,” he snapped, “I have a right to know.”
“It’s not going to make you feel better,” she said, “Whatever people say, they’re full of crap.”
“I could be interacting with my brother or sister every day and not even know,” he said. He almost definitely was, he knew, though he couldn’t say how.
His mom sighed, “When you’re eighteen, I promise I’ll explain everything. You’re going to want these years of ignorance back one day. I know I'm right about that.”
“What does that mean?” he growled, feeling the heat flash down his spine. He breathed deep, no, he couldn’t let himself lose control. He couldn’t hurt her. He wished he hadn’t ruined the nice moment they were having a minute ago, but he didn’t trust himself to be in this room for much longer.
“Whatever,” he said, “I’m going for a walk.”
“You just got home! It’s dark out!” she said. He almost laughed. As if he had to be scared of the dark.
“I won’t be long,” he said.
“Stay, hon, please,” she said, “Don’t be mad. We don't have to talk. We’ll just sit and watch TV.”
“It’s just a walk, Mom,” he said, feeling annoyed again. The wolf wanted to be let out now, he could feel it scraping its claws against his insides. The wolf was a lot better at getting what it wanted than he was.
---
Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of best friends
We're the kids who feel like dead ends
---
Part of Embry liked going to school. He wanted normalcy. He wanted to think about things that weren't lupine. He wanted to graduate and get a diploma for his mom, to make up for all his other disappointments.
But he also wanted to spend every moment he wasn't running up and down the state of Washington sleeping. Or eating. Sam said that the council had disseminated to their teachers that Embry and Jared should get special allowances, so he rarely got shit for his poor participation and attendance. No, the worst part of going to school was having to see Quil and Jake. He started sitting in the back of every class, so he could nod off if necessary, but also so he could watch his friends from afar, in the seats they used to sit in next to him. Did Jacob look taller? Quil certainly didn't. If Embry stood behind him, Quil's head would probably go up to Embry's chin. He spent an entire trig period dreaming of that. Walking up behind him after class ended, slipping his arms around his waist, and just resting his head on that lovely curly hair.
He was so lonely. That seemed to be a running theme of the werewolf experience. He couldn't imagine how Sam felt in the beginning. Now though, he and Jared both had their imprints to help carry the burden. He knew Paul secretly hoped he'd get one too, since underneath all his dickwaddery, he was clearly lonely too, after losing his friends and having to keep the secret from his dad. You'd think their similar plights would inspire something like empathy or kindness from Paul, but no, not his style.
Embry was not sure how imprinting worked for gay wolves, and he wasn't about to ask Quil's granddad if there was any lore on that. Sam thought it was all about breeding (gross). Does that mean it could "cure" his gayness so he'd feel biologically driven to make baby wolves? Or would he just never imprint at all? Most wolves didn't, they were told, but their pack was currently at 50%. He still wasn't sure if he was all the way homo, but he thought it was kind of creepy some outside force could possibly make that determination for him. Was an ancestor watching him, thinking, hmm, who's the right lady for my fruity little descendant?
He wished he could call Bella. Her ex-girlfriend had been a vampire- allegedly, a mind-reading one! She might be the only person equipped on the planet to give him advice about supernatural woes, but Sam said they could not assume Bella knew about any of this, and he should just stay away from her. As a wolf, Embry avoided thinking about her at all. They thought she'd been just friends with the Cullens, and even if he thought she was kind of crazy for dating a bloodsucker, he didn't feel right about outing her.
But he did have one friend left to him, and on a rare moment he could get to the library computer, he saw the green dot next to her username.
[MBreezeXD]: u out there?
[ZiGgYwAy]: ur alive!!
[MBreezeXD]: sort of
[MBreezeXD]: i was sick so i missed school and couldn't use the computer :p
[ZiGgYwAy]: womp
[ZiGgYwAy]: r u ok now?
[MBreezeXD]: not really
[MBreezeXD]: everything just kind of sucks
[ZiGgYwAy]: :(
[ZiGgYwAy]: why?
He hesitated over the keyboard. He couldn't break the secret, even over IM. Even if he did, it would make no sense, and Sadie would think he'd gone crazy or was trying out an elaborate role play thing. He typed out "my moms pissed at me" then backspaced. Then typed "my friends h8 me" and backspaced. Then "i joined a cult" and backspaced.
[MBreezeXD]: I had to cut off my hair
[ZiGgYwAy]: WTF???
[ZiGgYwAy]: Y???
He couldn't think of any good reason so he just said:
[MBreezeXD]: dress code
[ZiGgYwAy]: nazi pieces of shit
He snickered at that. Her outrage was appreciated. He'd felt so lonely with the razor in his bathroom, trying his best to approximate a fauxhawk but messing up so much he had to keep shaving down more. He considered just doing a full mohawk then and going fully bald on the sides, but he was also crying a little and needed to just be done.
[ZiGgYwAy]: thats so messed up, sorry dude
[MBreezeXD]: thank u, everyone else said i was being too emo
[ZiGgYwAy]: no such thing ;3
[MBreezeXD]: one other thing...
Embry looked over his shoulder before continuing to type, but he was alone.
[MBreezeXD]: I think I'm in love with my best friend. but he won't talk 2 me
[ZiGgYwAy]: holy shit embry <3 <3 <3 y isnt he talking 2 u? did u come out 2 him?
[MBreezeXD]: no its unrelated. just weird friend group drama going on.
As in one of my friend groups is a werewolf cult, and the other isn't...yet.
[MBreezeXD]: im worried hes gonna find out
[ZiGgYwAy]: do u think he likes u back?
[MBreezeXD]: i think hes straight
[ZiGgYwAy]: that sux
[ZiGgYwAy]: i think everyone's a lil gay
[ZiGgYwAy]: or should at least give it a shot
[MBreezeXD]: lol
[MBreezeXD]: ill tell the guys im friends with that, might solve some stuff
[ZiGgYwAy]: r u out to anyone?
[MBreezeXD]: a few friends know, by accident. not my best friends.
[MBreezeXD]: and u
[MBreezeXD]: as of right now
[ZiGgYwAy]: im honored
[ZiGgYwAy]: i wish u went to my school
[ZiGgYwAy]: my friend peter saw ur myspace and thinx ur rly cute ;)
That made Embry for the first time in days. He knew some girls had had crushes on him, but a gay guy out there seeing his actual face and thinking he was attractive, it felt like a fireworks show going off in his head. It was a burning hope, the feeling of a perfect song, a reminder the world was bigger than just what he could see. Just a couple hundred miles away, there was a boy he could possibly kiss- maybe things hadn't gone to complete shit.
A few days later, an envelope came in the mail for him with a homemade mixed CD from Sadie. In Sharpie, she'd written on it, "Bald Boy Blues". The track list was a mix of bands he loved and "perfectly angsty lesbian music", per Sadie. He listened to it so much and when he was running, tried to play the songs in his head by memory over and over, until the songs got stuck in all the wolves' heads.
---
'Cause I want to be something more than the mud in your eyes
I want to be the clay in your hands
---
Emily asked him via Sam if he wanted to come over for dinner before he had to patrol. He didn't realize he was the only wolf invited, and when he got there, it was just him and Emily.
"Sorry, Sam's stuck at a council meeting. Old Quil tends to go on and on," Emily said.
"I don't mind," he said, "I mean, if you don't." He definitely didn't mind not having to share this giant pot of chili Emily had made with any other wolves.
"Of course not," she said, "I wanted to get to know you better. Sam told me you like music."
"Yeah," he said.
"What kind?"
"Uh, like rock music? Emo rock."
"Like Fall Out Boy? They have that new song. We're going down, down," she sang.
"Yeah, yeah, that's a good one," he said. He'd liked their new album but was kind of personally worried they were selling out and would suck soon, but he kept that to himself.
"Sam's into Green Day," she said.
"Really?"
"Oh, yeah. American Idiot was getting a lot of play when we first met. He likes the political stuff," she said, "Before we were dating, when we'd hang out, he was always lecturing us about the war and the Middle East. I mean, I'm against it all too, but he would explain it to me like he assumed I knew nothing. I told Leah he was so pretentious." She laughed and then a sad crossed her face, her frown tugging against where the scars froze her face.
"I can't believe Sam Uley has good music taste," Embry said, which made Emily laugh again.
"Wow, now who's pretentious?" she teased.
"Maybe I'll make him a mix," he said. This was the Embry equivalent of saying he would make them matching friendship bracelets.
"Oh! I've been working on your backpack. It's almost done, I had to find a new zipper," she said.
"What? But it was shredded," he said. Right after Embry phased, Jared went to the scene of the crime to dispose the evidence. Embry had ripped his backpack in half with his shaking, but the stuff inside hadn't been too ruined. The only thing Embry really cared about was his CD player, and it still worked, if with more skipping than before. He'd nearly broken down in tears when Jared handed it to him.
"I try to repair the stuff you guys rip when I can. The council's been helping us out with clothes and shoes, but I don't like things going to waste."
"I could help you. My Gran taught me how to mend by hand, though its been a while."
"Really?" she said.
"Yeah. You shouldn't have to do all the cooking and sewing alone. Its kind of sexist."
Her smile widened pushed against the barriers of her scars, "You're my new favorite wolf, Embry Call. Can you repeat that in front of the guys?"
He blushed and looked down at his plate, "Sure. They already think I'm girly."
He meant it as a joke, but she frowned and said gently, "I get the sense...your brothers wouldn't be the kind of guys you'd hang out if you weren't forced to be in a pack together."
"I didn't mean to complain," he said quickly.
"You're allowed to complain," she said, "This is a family. We love each other, but we certainly didn't choose each other."
He snorted, "I definitely don't think me and Paul chose each other."
“It must be hard already being the new one and also feeling, well, different?" Emily said.
"Yeah, I guess," he said, feeling his shoulders hunch up, trying to accomplish the impossible task of making himself small.
"Do you want to talk about it?” Emily said, though they were already talking. He wondered what Sam had told her. He said he'd keep his secrets, but imprints were the exception to every rule. Did he tell Emily he was gay? Did one of the other guys say something? They swore what happened in the pack mind stayed in the pack mind.
“I, uh,” he said. He wished Bella was here. He wished he didn’t have to play the guessing game of whether or not Emily was going to have a problem with him if he really told her how he felt.
“I know, the boys are boys,” Emily said carefully, “But you know, our ancestors weren’t so uptight about sex. As in male and female. Or sexuality, for that matter. That was something colonizers forced on us."
“Yeah?” he said, his voice going higher. Okay, so Emily was right on the money about him. And she was going to be kind about it. Bella, Sadie, Emily- he was three for three with nice women reacting to him being gay. Women were so much better than men.
She nodded, her eyes steady and kind, “I have this cool book with a chapter that gets into it. Sam makes fun of my old-lady-book-club, but the elders know so much."
"I think that sounds cool. Are you taking new members?"
"Always," she said, "We all sew and read and listen to Fall Out Boy."
"Definitely sounds like my scene," he said, "Thanks, Emily."
---
'Cause in my head, there's a Greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far-off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place where
They're far more suited than here
---
Emily, Kim, and he went on a shopping trip to the hit up the Goodwills in Sequim. He was supposed to be patrolling, but Emily told Sam they really needed Embry's help shopping. He was shocked Sam actually bought that; Embry had made a very powerful ally. They were stocking up on any XL t-shirts, shorts, and sweats they could find on the cheap. Emily tried to keep together a tub of extra clothes in her house, but it was always depleting. Especially the shoes. Shoes that fit were better than gold.
"Can we please get this for Paul? Pretty Please?" Embry said, holding up a big pink t-shirt that said #1 GRANDMA.
Emily laughed, "Yeah, that goes in the cart."
"Maybe if we only give him embarrassing t-shirts when he rips his clothes, it'll be a deterrent for losing his temper," Kim said.
"I'm down, but that rule should apply to everyone," Emily said.
"Oh, yeah, let me pick some special stuff out for Jake for when he joins us..." Embry said.
"Should I remind you you showed up naked in my house yesterday at five in the morning?"
"That wasn't because I lost control, it was because I forgot which tree I left my clothes in!" he said. A couple ladies looked over at them from across the store. They must sound crazy. He and Emily looked at each other and burst out laughing.
"You'll wearing this to school next time," she said, holding up a shirt that said GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN, BAD GIRLS GO TO PORTLAND.
"That's actually sick, and I want it for real," he said. Then he got the giggles and couldn't stop.
"What is it?" Kim said.
"Nothing, just," he said, "I mean, its not funny. I'm just picturing arguing with Quil or Jake at school, but I'm wearing that shirt."
"Oh, Embry," Emily said, rubbing his arm.
"No, its okay," he said, "Seriously, thanks for letting me join your girls' day. I haven't had fun in forever."
"Hopefully, Jake joins soon," Emily said, "I know I shouldn't hope. Its not like its easy, but...well, we know he's going to so it might as well be soon." She didn't say what they were thinking (and Sam and Emily were hoping)- when Jake joins, being Alpha will be his birthright. Sam won't have to carry the weight of the world anymore.
"I can't picture Jacob Black wolfing out. He's so laidback," Kim said.
"Yeah, he and Quil both. I never thought about it that way- maybe that's why its taken them so long? Does that mean I went first because I'm emo?" Embry said. Kim and Emily laughed at him.
"Maybe if you listened to a pop song once in a while, you might've been spared," Kim said. They'd tussled the whole way here over who controlled the CD player (Embry had brought his road trip mix that he'd never even gotten to use!).
"Not worth it," he said.
They stopped by an Army Surplus in town before heading back. Embry had brought a little of his own coin to spend. He'd already scored on a spiked bracelet at Goodwill. With his normie haircut and all-black wardrobe nearly gone, he wanted something that made him feel like himself.
Most of the army clothes were too burly for wolves- they'd be sweating through them. Based on what he learned recently of Sam's political leanings, he didn't think he'd be psyched to see his pack wearing anything with a military bent either. There was a sick pocket knife Embry had very little use for but still considered buying anyway. Then on a high shelf, he spotted them-steel toe black leather boots. They looked like Doc Martens, except, legit shit-kickers. And they were in Embry's new gigantic size!
"These are sick," he said, as he tried them on. The leather was worn in beautifully, and they made even his cargo shorts and t-shirt look kind of punk. They'd make him look punk butt-ass naked. He swore to himself he'd never phase while wearing these shoes so he could have them forever.
"How much for these?" he asked the old guy working the counter in the Vietnam hat.
He raised an eyebrow, "Size 14?"
"Yeah," Embry said.
"I'll sell them for ten. They've been on that shelf forever. No one's got feet that big."
"Would you take, uh, eight fifty?"
"Deal."
"Yes!" Embry said, handing over his singles. He wore them out of the store. He couldn't stop looking down and smiling at them. For the first time, he felt at home in his body again.
---
Shadow am I? Like a suspicion that's never confirmed
But it's never denied, wolf am I?
No, "shadow”, I think is better, as I'm not so much something
More like the absence of something
---
They chase the ginger vampire and almost, almost get her. Embry specifically comes so close, her jacket nearly in his jaws, and he’s so focused in that moment, with pure instinct taking over, but then she leads them towards a cliff, and Jared isn’t quick enough to cut her off. Its high and steep enough they couldn't follow her without breaking some legs either.
At first, he just feels rage at the miss, and everyone else does too, but they come down, and Sam says, Damn, you’re fast, Call. When Sam isn’t pissed, everyone feels better. As they headed back, the anger dissipated, and they talked about the chase, like younger boys recapping an action movie. At home, Jared passed out beers that give them no buzz, and Embry is surprised when Sam raises his can to him.
“To Embry,” Sam said, “He held his own. We’re stronger with you here.”
“To Embry, I now know the words to so many stupid songs,” Paul said.
“To Embry, your hair definitely looks worse than ours,” Jared said.
Embry laughed, and he kind of irrationally thought, this is what making the football team would be like. A weird fraternal solidarity the kind of which he'd never thought he'd be privy to. Like, he loved Jake and Quil, and God help him the day they heard this thought, but while they were men, they weren't, like, Men. Sam, Jared, and Paul just seemed to so much older and manlier in comparison. Now Embry was one of them, with the matching haircut and denim cut-offs to boot. He didn't love this new body, but there was a safety to it. For one, the only men who could ever truly threaten Embry for not being enough of a man were the ones in this room, and they hadn't done that. They made fun of him, undoubtedly. They definitely thought he was a weirdo, and Paul had called his music, haircut, and vocabulary gay hundreds of times. But he was still their brother. They'd literally seen all his gay thoughts and had not chased him out with pitchforks. They did the same thing anyone did when their weird wet dreams came up- mentally coughed and moved on. Even if they did have a problem, fate and bloodlines told them he was their brother, and they had to accept it.
Before this, he hadn't really planned to come out any time in the immediate future. He knew it'd be necessary if he didn't want to die a virgin, but that was future Embry's problem. Yet, it felt good having it be out there, even if it was to three guys he didn't know before this. The telepathy was still an overall pain in the ass, but he would never know if he could trust these guys with his life if he didn't know he could trust them with this.
---
From the shape of your shaved head
I recognized your silhouette
As you walked out of the sun and sat down
And the sight of your sleepy smile eclipsed all the other people
---
During lunch, Embry holed up in a dark hidden corner of the library, sitting on a beanbag with his headphones on, low enough to hear the bell in case he nodded off. It was as close to inner peace as he got these days.
Someone kicked his bag. The wolf bared its teeth in protest, and Embry took a deep breath before taking off his headphones and opening his eyes. Quil was looking down at him, and his usually warm brown eyes were cold and boring into Embry's.
"What?" Embry said.
"You're too big for that bean bag," Quil said, "You look ridiculous."
"Leave me alone," Embry said.
"Look at you, hiding in here with your music and your spiky bracelet. Does Sam let you wear jewelry? Is individual expression allowed in the gang?
"You have no idea what you're talking about, Quil."
"Are you hiding from them, Em?" Quil said.
"No," Embry said, "I just wanted to be alone."
"What the hell are you doing with them?" Quil said, "Do they have something on you?"
"I got to go," Embry said. He didn't have much room to stand, and Quil kept his feet planted, so he ended up chest to chest with him. Now, Quil had to look up at him. He still didn't step back, even though they were right on top of each other.
"I used to be taller than you," Quil said, his frown twisting.
"Barely," Embry scoffed, "Half an inch at most."
"Your haircut is stupid."
"I know," Embry sighed.
"You loved how it used to look. You used to be one of one," Quil said. He looked down.
Embry's chest felt all tight, "Quil..." He wanted to do something insane. He wanted to tell him everything. He wanted to kiss him on the mouth. No, he wanted to push him against the shelves and hold him there until he talked sweet to him again. The wolf's tail wagged a bit at that idea.
He touched Quil's right hand with his own. A feather-light touch, not even close to a hold or a grab. It made Quil shut his eyes and shudder.
"You're warm," Quil said.
"Yeah," Embry said.
Quil opened his eyes and looked up into Embry's again. Embry disliked being the taller of them. He wanted to be small enough Quil could hold him. Quil's eyelashes were so thick. His gaze left Embry's face and moved over to his arm. He used one finger to trace the shape of Embry's bicep.
"How did you even get these?" Quil breathed. His eyes were a bit dilated. Was Quil...turned on by Embry? This was such a foreign possibility, one Embry had never dreamt of. Even in his wet dreams, he usually was the one who seemed to want it more.
Embry dropped his forehead against Quil's and exhaled. He wanted to stay here forever, where it was dark and quiet and safe. With Quil. His Quil.
The bell rang. They jumped a foot apart, like they'd been electrically shocked. Quil looked at him, eyes wide, and ran out of the library.