Chapter Text
So Jinyoung is definitely not panicking. He's just... rapidly pacing outside of his shared apartment with Jaebum while his heart booms in his ears like a war drum, but Jinyoung is not panicking.
'Come live with me." The words that Mark uttered out of desperation a few hours ago ran through his mind a mile a minute. Jinyoung was technically still on the hook for a yearly lease with Jaebum so that's not going to work. Oh and also because Jinyoung can't imagine a single day without Jaebum's eggs, but that's besides the point. Jinyoung still remembers the first day they moved in together. Their entire apartment consisted of 2 lawn chairs they got from a flee market, a questionable table with one leg shorter than the rest, 2 cups, a single pot andpan, mattresses, some blankets and pillows. They had spent an entire year living off plastic plates that Jaebum still insisted on cleaning with soap because "think about the planet, Jinyoung."
It was more a half hearted attempt to distract themselves from the fact that they couldn't afford to buy new plastic plates everytime they ran out.
The winters were cold and the summers were far too hot but three part time jobs and a year later, they bought their first real kitchen table. And then came a couch, and eventually they were able to afford their own luxuries. Living off nothing for an entire year plumped both their bank accounts up to a point of reasonable comfort. Jinyoung thinks back to that time and cringes at his "one shirt for each day of the week" philosophy but settles that he wouldn't change a thing. It was through those hard times that Jaebum discovered his passion for writing. After all, living in the heart of Seoul with no money gave one some time to think and reflect.
Jinyoung is still pacing.
They built their apartment from the ground up for three years. It was, for lack of a better word, their baby. And Mark wants him to move in with him.
The more Jinyoung says it, the less it makes sense. Mark and Jinyoung, as well as they meld as a couple, could never move in together in the height of Got4's career. It would raise way too many questions- the first of course being: "Why did you move into an apartment with a fansite master? A male fansite master?" Besides all that; Mark was the leader, their eldest member. There is no scenario that justifies him leaving the three younger members. Mark has a job to do.
"I'll arrange for it to work..."
"Are you done pacing? I've been waiting for you to come inside for like, fifteen minutes." Jaebum peeks through the door, a smirk on his face.
Jinyoung stops pacing and feels like he's going to cry when he lays eyes on Jaebum. He feels himself waver.
Jaebum's smirk disappears and his eyes soften. "Jinyoungie? What's happened?"
That's all it takes: two words and his pet name and Jinyoung melts into Jaebum's arms sobbing. He really needs to control his emotions better.
"Jinyoungie? Shhh, it's ok," he feels Jaebum's hand stroke his hair while his other arm urges him closer. At whatever point the two had slid to the floor; Jinyoung a puddle of tears and Jaebum cooing with affection. He was slightly taller than the older but he felt pocket sized in that moment.
He's not sure how many minutes had passed but eventually his embarrassingly violent and loud sobbing came down to a slow hiccup; his hand was cramping from clutching onto Jaebum's shirt for so long. "Mark... he..."
"Let's go inside ok? It's chilly out. I'll make you some tea and we can talk about it."
Jinyoung doesn't know what he would do without Jaebum in all honesty.
A warm cup of tea and a blanket burrito later and Jinyoung is able to breathe without hiccuping and as a result coherent sentences were able to be formed.
"Mark asked me to move in with him." Jinyoung says quietly.
There is a long pause as Jaebum's jaw visibly clenches.
"He said he'd work it out somehow so it wouldn't look suspicious." Jinyoung feels a different kind of small. Like a child telling their parents that they broke the cookie jar trying to eat one before dinner.
"Do you... do you want to?" Jaebum's voice is devoid of any recognizable emotion.
"I... I'm not sure."
"We're in a lease together for another year."
"I figured Jackson or someone else would want to move in. This place is rent controlled so..." He regretted the words the second they left his mouth. He doesn't want Jackson or someone else moving in.
"So what? It's no big deal?"
"No I just..." Jinyoung has lost all control of his vocal chords apparently. "Mark wants me to move out soon..."
"Does that mean you're saying yes?"
Before Jinyoung could finish putting the period on his sentence Jaebum fires back: "Do you want me to say no?" It was a weighted question.
A heavy silence fell over the two and Jaebum hasn't looked him in the eyes since the conversation started. Jinyoung isn't sure he wants him to.
"I see the way he looks at you." Mark's words come to mind for whatever reason. Looks at him like what? If there was one thing that Jinyoung knew it was Jaebum. He could look at Jaebum's clothes for the day and tell you what Jaebum will have for lunch from it. If it's his ratty t-shirt he's just going to a convenience store, if it's a v-neck he's going to that cafe down the street with the cute waiter, and if it's a black hoodie Jaebum wasn't going to eat lunch because his black hoodie was his cram writing hoodie and Jaebum always wore it when he had deadlines. He knew Jaebum. He certainly would have known if Jaebum had developed feelings for him.
"I... I think I want to move in with Mark." The words shock even Jinyoung. Jaebum's head snaps up and he swears he saw the semblance of a tear in the corner of his eye before it disappeared. Nevertheless, Jaebum looks betrayed, hurt, dismayed. Jinyoung feels like here's lead in his stomach.
"You... you want to move in with Mark?" Jaebum says like he's tasting a bad bottle of wine.
"Is that ok?" Jinyoung isn't sure that's the right question to ask; he's just not sure what else to say.
Jaebum takes a long breathe in before his eyes glaze over. "You know I'll always support you."
"I'll stay until the lease year is up!" Jinyoung wants to stop talking. "Mark has to figure a whole bunch of stuff out before we can make it official, anyways." Jinyoung really wants to stop talking.
"Right." It's only one syllable but it feels like hot coal touching Jinyoung's ears.
Jinyoung wishes the conversation could end there. He wishes he didn't have to say the next part. "Mark also... doesn't want me to see you anymore."
He sees something in Jaebum's demeanor snap. "Is that what you want?"
"He's convinced you have feelings for me. I told him it wasn't true but-"
"Is that what you want, Jinyoung."
"I really think he's just being protective, I mean we are really close and we're both ga-"
"Jinyoung." He's never seen Jaebum so tense. If he thought one syllable burned; Jinyoung wasn't prepared for the scorch that came with two.
"I don't know."
"Ok, new question. Are you going to do what Mark says?" Jinyoung wishes that Jaebum would revert back to staring at the ground. Eye contact fried his brain of all actual problem solving abilities.
"I... I don't know."
Jaebum took a long pause. "Well shit then, Jinyoung. Something you don't fucking know."
He always knew how to make Jinyoung feel microscopic. "That's not fair."
"Excuse me for being upset that my best friend is suddenly considering throwing away years of friendship just because some guy he blows once a week told him to."
"I'm not considering-"
"You're not not considering it." Jaebum is tapping his foot erratically. That's what he does when he's trying to control his temper. Jinyoung knows because Jinyoung helped him develop it.
"I like Mark, Jaebum. I just want to make things work with him. He's the only decent guy I know." Jaebum visibly flinches.
"The only decent guy, huh?"
Jinyoung resists the urge to eye roll mainly because he's not sure where Jaebum is going with this. "I mean... you remember the last guy I dated right? He kept stealing all of my socks to sell on eBay."
"I can not believe how completely oblivious you are." Jaebum throws his head into his hands and begins tapping faster. "Aren't photographers supposed to pick up on subtle details? Not that anything I've been doing for the past eight years have been anywhere near subtle."
"What are you mumbling about?"
"I mean for fuck's sake" Jaebum lifts his head and stares straight into his soul; a look of plea in his eyes. "when we moved in together I didn't know how to boil the rice properly and suddenly over a month I knew how to make your favorite omelette dish to perfection- did you not find that weird at all, Jinyoung? Did you not notice the dozens of cookbooks I bought because I couldn't stand to only be able to make ramen for you?"
And just like that, Jinyoung feels something finally click inside of him like an old tv antenna that finally hit the perfect angle for broadcasting that show you've been dying to see for a week. Just like that, everything comes at Jinyoung at once. All the times he had woken up from a bad night of self pity over rejection letters to find Jaebum making him his favorite dishes; all the subtle touches he mistook as platonic affection when it was something so much deeper, the protectiveness every time he went on a date. Jaebum got a cold from wadding in the Han River looking for a $50 watch that Jinyoung bought. Jaebum hates being photographed and yet was a regular during Jinyoung's intro to profile shots class. Jaebum became a fansite master with him because he didn't want Jinyoung to feel like a sellout alone.
"You love me?" Jinyoung felt the words leave his lips but he wasn't sure he registered them yet.
"I love you. I've loved you for as long as I could remember." Jaebum stopped tapping- his knuckles white. He's scared.
Jinyoung is too.
"Why haven't you said anything?" Jinyoung feels an angry rise from him. He's not sure why. "You just let me walk around like an idiot?"
"How is this my fault?"
"Answer my question." Jinyoung wants to stop talking again. He feels that he needs to stop talking again. But the words crawled their way up his throat and he had no control.
"Are you going to chose Mark?" It should have sounded hostile. It should have been spit at Jinyoung like snake venom that burned his skin off. It should have hurt. It didn't. It sounded like Jaebum was asking him one last time, deciding whether it was time to let go of a adolescent dream or to clutch onto it until it bleeds. Jaebum was always determined to get the things he wanted- but Jinyoung always knew that even he had a limit.
"I don't know,"
"How do you not know? At the end of the day it boils down to one thing: me or mark. Because I'm a lot of things, Jinyoung, but I'm not a saint. I don't know how much longer I can keep telling myself 'I'm happy as long as he's happy'. I don't know if I can survive watching you falling in love with someone that's not me, again." Jaebum begins to make his way to the door.
Jinyoung desperately doesn't want him to leave. He can't leave it like this. "What do you want me to say?"
Jaebum pauses midway through stomping on his shoes. He can't remember the last time he saw Jaebum this defeated. "You know what I want you to say, Jinyoungie." The nickname, no matter the situation, still sends a wave of calm over the younger. He hates that.
"Jaebum, please don't go."
He knows that if Jaebum turns around he could get him to stay. If he turned around, Jaebum would see what a pathetic mess Jinyoung was becoming and he'd stay out of pity if anything and they could somehow work this through. If only he turned around.
"I'll be at Jackson's."
He didn't turn around.