Chapter Text
But there was a reason if Seonghyeon sat on that exact bureau: because long ago, back when Martin's fiancée wasn't even in sight, when James was still taking electric guitar lessons, and when Juhoon wore his hair short, the two of them used to have their first moments behind closed doors.
It felt like another lifetime, to Seonghyeon, probably because Keonho leaving felt like death.
Time by time, he would look back and be amazed looking at the amount of time he managed to survive without a drummer by his side. His microphone hadn't been on for at least 2000 days, because a voice without a beat is always sad and lonely. Seonghyeon didn't want to be that, so he decided to turn off his voice completely.
Imagine the reaction of the rest of the band when Eom Seonghyeon, the main vocalist, admitted he would have never sung again.
But before that, there was something else: the first and last time Keonho had told Seonghyeon he loved him.
Back then, Seonghyeon was younger, only seventeen: he had a way better figure, his face tinted of a vibrant skin color, his cheeks were soft and he was starting to work on some muscles. Because of that, he would wear sleeveless shirts, especially during the summer, especially during practise, especially when Keonho was around.
His hair were never put in place, they always had ways to tangle up. And his ways were way more carefree, convinced, deliberate.
But if Seonghyeon was healthy, Keonho was even more.
He had always been charming, especially when, in the summer, he would tan and slick his hair back. Blue jorts with tall white socks and bordeaux chak-taylor's. For his chest, he either used one of Seonghyeon's sleeveless tops, which he would always steal as a tease, or a denim jacket with nothing underneath.
Their first kiss happened casually, unsaid, right after a band music session: everyone had dissipated, leaving Keonho and Seonghyeon alone in the garage. With that old tentive personality of his', Seonghyeon was the one to pull into the kiss. It wasn't bad, it was great.
The first impression he had was that Keonho was warm, guiding him throughout every action, and Seonghyeon as a tease would do otherwise and make both of them giggle in the kiss. It was young love.
Despite their kiss, Keonho hadn't told Seonghyeon the first "I love you".
It came some weeks later, by then they had already kissed three or four times more.
They were all five in the garage exhausted by the intensity of a Led Zeppelin song: Martin removed the shoulder strap of hi guitar like he was being saved from chains, and all sweaty, he got out of the garage in search of fresh air.
Though it was a dense June afternoon, with temperatures reaching the 40 degrees Celsius, the band couldn't skip one day of practise.
Juhoon always complained that they looked like they were going to perform on some big stage, seen how much they were practising, but everytime that topic came up, James would answer saying that they were doing it for themselves. Martin, to Seonghyeon, had always half-hoped that someone, who happened to pass by during their practise, would've heard them and decided to make them famous, just like in the movies.
But he never said that out loud.
The thing was that everyone had gone back to their houses, except for Seonghyeon and Keonho.
Keonho was leaning back exhausted on the bureau, pressing the lower side of his back against it. He exhaled soundly.
"Someone tell Martin that no one is coming to check if we practised or not. That nobody cares about us!" he let out, rubbing his hand behind the back of his neck.
It had always been his thing to say important things with the most idiotic smile on his face.
Seonghyeon laughed at that. The present Seonghyeon would've never done that, thinking that there was nothing to laugh about.
He had always been a clever guy, but around Keonho he was a stupid. And he didn't realise it.
"Why? The precious time you spend here could be used for studying, do you think?" he teased like an idiot, tidying up his microphone and disconnecting the speaker.
Keonho slapped his hands against his own legs, and laughed.
"Nonono, absolutely not. I meant that I could pass out with this temperature" Keonho threw his head back and looked up at the garage roof.
Seonghyeon laughed exasperated as he lowered his microphone stick.
The garage was vibrant, colorful, with some cards, books and paper sheets scattered on the carpet. The mood was right, they were alone. And Seonghyeon was laughing like an idiot.
Irrationally, because Keonho had that effect on him.
Towing the speaker along, back to its place against the wall, he approached to Keonho, then let go off the device and turned to Keonho's side.
"I will only allow you passing out in my arms" said Seonghyeon with his hands on his hips. Keonho's head stabled again, looking right in front of him.
A light glance, so one more grin from Keonho.
Then, in a second he pulled him delicately in his lap, escaping an ironic roll of eyes from Seonghyeon.
He looked up at him, as he smiled even more.
"Like this?"
Seonghyeon felt like laughing, looking down at him: they were a mess, they were two idiots.
"Not quite fainting, are you?" tilting his head, he climbed further on his legs, letting his hands rest around Keonho's neck. Showing him that he was okay with that, that he wanted it too.
Keonho looked lost in him, his facial muscles rested for a while, reducing his smile to a slight curve. Half moon eyes travelled Seonghyeon's face, from his forehead to his chin. Then, Keonho shook lightly his head, and said something Seonghyeon would have never forgotten.
"God, I love you"
The kiss that followed was tender, not hungry at all. It almost felt loving, but Seonghyeon pulled away giggling.
"Wait, you love me?!" said he with an incredulous expression, pointing a tint finger to himself.
Keonho's smile widened again. "Like no tomorrow"
And then they kissed again, for too long for Seonghyeon to remember who pulled away first.
That kiss was nit like the others, because Keonho told Seonghyeon he loved him like no tomorrow.
They kissed each other like their bodies were a map of their own love, pulled together like the final treasure were each other.
Only the garage knows what happened. The walls never talked, but they would listen to everything.
Only the garage knows. Nobody else.
While Seonghyeon kissed him back, so intensively that looked like the last one, there was always a constant little giggle in Keonho's mouth.
Back then, Seonghyeon never counted that day as one of many lies, because on his calendar, that was the day Keonho had told him he loved him "like no tomorrow".
His mouth was as romantic as his words, his body was as firm as the promise he made about staying by the other's side.
Seonghyeon noticed all that, and giggled; kept giggling because a charming, lovely boy like Keonho was now kissing his neck, and making him feel things he never thought he would've felt.
Maybe, that was the first lie Keonho had ever told Seonghyeon.
That degradating lie that Keonho loved him, that little theatre he built up on that creature Seonghyeon was. The lie that was fatal, that shattered everybody's heart in millions of little pieces.
He thought that after Keonho told him he loved him, they were done, they were together and they adored each other like no tomorrow. But the only one adoring was Seonghyeon.
He was convinced that those were words with a weight of importance.
And those were so important that Keonho departed without him and even forgot about that words, which he so-carelessly donated to Seonghyeon's fantasy.
•°☆°•
Those memories, of him, just a young soul wanting to love and being played because of it, we're haunting him 3 years later, while he was kissing the same lips that once promised to stay.
Seonghyeon missed those lips on his', on his skin as well. He longed for the feeling of being in Keonho's arms again.
Their kiss was hard, hungry, and not only from Seonghyeon, but from both: Keonho had always felt urgent, like he couldn't wait. To him, the love didn't matter as much as sex did, and they both know those were two different things.
The noises of their kisses were the only sound in the whole room.
Seonghyeon's tongue clashed experimentally against Keonho's, like he had never done this before, like he had never done this sad, angry, happy or fearful.
As if Keonho himself wasn't enough to make Seonghyeon die, the kiss left his mouth and started trailing a path from his cheeks to the neck. Seonghyeon could've died like that.
He switched their positions, making Keonho sit on the bureau, and Seonghyeon conceding himself to stay on the boy's lap.
He couldn't help it. It was intoxicating.
Did it feel wrong? Yes it did.
Was Seonghyeon doing it anyway like an idiot? Yes he was.
He was never of the idea that Keonho manipulated him just to be a body and nothing else. If he did, he had manipulated so much that Seonghyeon wanted to be a body, because he was missing it all. He was desperate, he wanted everything back again: the band, the high school days, the stolen kisses, the old garage owners, his persona. He wanted it all back.
He didn't know that if he kept on seeking inside of Keonho, he would've found nothing but delusion.
While Keonho unbuttoned his blouse down on his chest, Seonghyeon moved his hips against the other boy.
It was wrong, it was all wrong...
But his actions and his sounds were undeniable. He gave up on not being an idiot for Keonho.
An idiot for nobody is still an idiot.
He felt Keonho marking him where he hadn't been touched for a while, and he didn't know if it felt good or not.
All he did was abandoning himself to the friction, to the moment between them.
•°☆°•
"Heyheyhey!" Keonho made his entrance in the garage and startled Martin, who, in the scare, flicked his finger against his bass string just a little too hard.
"OUCH!"
Seonghyeon was sitting on on arm of the armchair, trying to put a CD in the half broken stereo.
"Hiii" he greeted, as Keonho made his way towards the armchair, just to slump right next to Seonghyeon.
He sprawled on the seat, tossing his schoolbag away like it had personally offended him.
"Where are the others?" he took out a lollipop and put it in his mouth.
Martin was back at playing the bass, and without even lifting his head, he said "Juhoon is on his way, James' right there".
"What the-"
Keonho turned his head to look at the little couch on his right, only to find out that the line of pillows he had tossed his schoolbag onto, was actually a sleeping James with blankets over blankets covering him up.
Seonghyeon turned his head and laughed with Keonho.
"Holy- are you alright man?! hold this for a moment" he offered Seonghyeon to hold his lollipop, while he got up from the chair and went checking on James, who hadn't woken up anyway.
The lollipop was red, and Seonghyeon didn't hesitate to try it: it tasted like cranberry and Keonho's chapstick, so he purposely kept it in his mouth until Keonho got back.
In the meantime, his hands were working to try and remove one CD from its container; by the time he managed to take it out and insert it in the stereo, Juhoon had arrived and Keonho had sat back on the armchair.
Caught up in a conversation with Martin, he didn't even realise that his lollipop was in Seonghyeon's mouth, like he had completely forgotten about it. That made Seonghyeon smirk as he activated the stereo.
He pressed the button and- the music didn't start.
"Ah shi-" he muttered underneath his breath, as he spotted the stereo plug out of the socket. He tightened his lips around the lollipop, not to let go off of it, and crawled down to insert the plug.
Finally, the stereo was singing.
Everyone was caught up in a conversation. And Keonho's lollipop was still Seonghyeon's.
Suddenly, Keonho caught everyone's attention.
"OK, everyone! I have news!"
"You getting married?" asked James ironically, and Seonghyeon rolled his eyes "He wishes".
Everyone brought their chairs around the armchair with one ear lent on Keonho's side.
"What is it??" they asked all on their toes.
Keonho say up on the armchair like a president, cleared his throat with a hand on his chest and the other closed in a fist in front of his mouth. He was already smiling, Seonghyeon thought he was going to say something of hilarious, like he always did, but no.
"I am going to New York!!! To s.t.u.d.y.!!!" he sang, cheering, proceeded on his own timeline.
But Seonghyeon could feel that moment stop: Keonho was leaving? To New York? And why was he this happy? Why hadn't he talked with Seonghyeon before? After all he was his boyfriend, wasn't he? Right?
Keonho was smiling, like nothing better in the world could've ever occurred.
Seinghyeon's eyes were fixed on Keonho like he didn't know any other face. He was acting right? Of course! How could he not think about it before?
Keonho was acting to be happy, as soon as Juhoon, Martin and James would get out of the garage, he would have surely took Seonghyeon apart and have the "serious talk" he longed for, right?
That gave Seonghyeon a bit of hope: he came back to reality and looked at the others' faces all around them. They were shocked, Martin was angry, Juhoon looked like he might have cried, James there, trying to justify his choice. Looking around, they looked like they were fighting (?).
"Since when do you want to study abroad?!" asked Martin, their leader.
"Guys, guys, those chances come once in your lifetime! How could he not accept? Just for the sake of this poor little band that won't go anywhere? No, it's alright, man, congrats" James tried to calm everybody down.
The thing was that Martin had always felt like the band was special, that they were going who knows where to perform. He would always get angry when the others didn't take it seriously. And Seonghyeon could just imagine how overwhelming it must feel like to see everything you built by yourself suddenly slip through your fingers.
"Don't talk about the band like that! You could've told us before accepting, jackass" Martin let his bass pend down his neck as he got up upset, pointing a finger at James and Keonho. Juhoon held the leader's hand as a tear ripped down his cheeks and muttered "Come on, Come on...It's alright..."
"No it's not! He is leaving for... how many days are you going to stay, let's hear it?"
" 1 year I won't be coming to Seoul"
"1 YEAR?!"
And yes, that was Seonghyeon's thought too... One year?
365 days without him.
When Martin gets mad, he really loses auto control, and probably he himself knows it too, because what he did next was to get out of the garage with loud steps, as Juhoon and James ran after him, calling his name, telling him to come back.
"Martin! No, come here! Shit- Where did he-" but the voices disappeared in the backyard.
Ok, now Keonho could be frank with him.
Seonghyeon turned on the armrest.
"Is it true?"
His voice had suddenly got smaller.
Keonho looked at him with a bright smile on his face, nodding.
And Seonghyeon wanted to tell him, No Keonho I'm not happy that you are going to study abroad, because you didn't tell your fucking boyfriend before.
And he really was about to tell him.
But Keonho said "Come on, Seonghyeon-ah, at least you! Understand me, won't you?" he hugged his waist and looked up at him, with a pout on his face that made him look innocent.
"You know I really wanted to go to New York to study"
Seonghyeon held back a tear, because now he was looking down on Keonho, cupping his cheeks.
"...Yes"
"Knew you would understand...You're so special, Hyeon-ah' he snuggled his face in his waist, making it hard for Seonghyeon to say anything back.
He was weak, he knew that.
And so, that was how Keonho got away, with nobody else trying to change their mind. Seonghyeon's "yes" was universal, but his "no" was meaningless to Keonho.
It didn't matter.
It's not like he could've avoided that, he couldn't forbid his departure.
Things had to go this way.
"Will you wait for me, Hyeon-ah?" he muttered, his mouth still buried against the other's waist.
With a shaky hand, Seonghyeon patted the back of Keonho's hair. "One year and you are back in Seoul?" he asked closing his eyes, feeling the tenderness of Keonho's mouth against his skin.
"One year and Seoul will know me again" Keonho promised, and went back to kissing the other boy's waist.
Seonghyeon's little gasp gave the kiss more love, and Seonghyeon was fully into it, he couldn't escape it.
He had to love it while it lasted. One week he had. One week, and then the 365 days countdown would have started; and then he would have become a love starved lion.
•°☆°•
The pleasure, the curiosity and the longing was spreading in their kisses more and more. In a darkened garage.
A part of Seonghyeon was mad at Keonho for forgetting everything that mattered to him, for going away without saying anything in advance. But, God, his touch felt like heaven.
Desperately trying not to make a sound, he took deeper breaths in a faster pace, and the other boy seemed proud.
While Keonho was teasing his belt, Seonghyeon tried to remember how to speak again. He put a hand on his shoulder, and, with his eyes closed, he said "Wait...Let's go home first...not here, I..." he swallowed, keeping himself contained.
Seonghyeon looked down at him, with all of his shirt buttons open, as Keonho stopped kissing his body. The breaths were heavy, fast like they were running out of time.
"You have a house, then?" Keonho teased with that smile of his, his hand sliding underneath the other's shirt.
Seonghyeon didn't answer, he leaned into his touch, seeing stars in the back of his mind.
"I...I am not homeless, you know" murmoured he.
Keonho's stare climbed on his body, from his chest, to his collarbone, to his neck, until he met his eyes.
He scoffed a chuckle "Okay. Button this up again".
Keonho leaned back on the bureau, pulling away from Seonghyeon, who still sat on his lap, sustaining himself from the earlier flush with his hands on Keonho's thigh.
The younger man's hands alid down, touching the other guy's lower back, as Seonghyeon shakingky wrapped his shirt up again; Keonho was watching him like he was taking his time to savor every little action of his'.
When he was done buttoning up, Keonho grabbed him by his waist and pulled him out of his lap, then he stood up and started walking outside the garage with Seonghyeon right behind him.
The way home was almost awkward, a bit too silent to make it look normal. Keonho was still smiling like he was about to commit a mischief, and Seonghyeon was looking away: it felt like a condemned prisoner tragically making their steps towards his death. Going home with Keonho was the end of a waiting, but the start of another one.
What was the point of it after all?
Would have Seonghyeon made a difference if he had sex with him at his house? Would it change anything? Of course not, Keonho never loved him, apparently, and he never will.
All this time Seonghyeon thought he was loved, he was cared about, but in reality he was just a body, he was temporary like a season.
He was only 17, now that he was 20, he realised all of those things.
So who cared? What was holding him back?
As soon as the door closed behind them, Seonghyeon grabbed Keonho by his collar and pulled him in a kiss, trying to make it so harsh that he would have never forgotten it again. It was his revenge in some sort of way.
Keonho smiled, giving in even more, pulling Seonghyeon against the wall.
This time, Seonghyeon took his shirt off by himself, and let out a quiet moan when Keonho bit him on his shoulder.
He called out his name, muffled, but the pace of Keonho's mouth was far above the pace of Seonghyeon's brain.
It wad not wrong anymore, it was just Seonghyeon letting everything Keonho wanted happen.
A hand slid underneath his trousers, and he bit back a sound.
"Did you miss me?" Keonho whispered inches away from his neck. Seonghyeon was pretty sure he had already answered that question, but he nodded.
"Yes, God. now...Stay with me until you are here" his mind was a mess: there was the dampness of tears right behind his eyes, but at the same time waves of pleasure hit him everytime Keonho flinched his hand.
Despite his eyes being completely shut, and his head being practically a part of the wall, he could hear Keonho chuckling.
That was the kind of laughter he would let out before lying.
"Of course I will. I am more present than ever now, or am I not?"
Seonghyeon nodded desperately, conceding himself to let out a breathy moan.
"Don't you have the late shift today? Shouldn't you be at the bar?" It was a tease, one of his many. His hand moved again beneath Seonghyeon's trousers. "I... I don't care. Just stay here...please..." he managed to say throughout all the panting.
Maybe he was going to lose his job. he didn't care. Nothing could ever go worse.
He knew Keonho was never going to stay, but it didn't matter anymore. His mind was a fucking mess already, all he needed was someone who could mess it up even more.
•°☆°•
31st day after Keonho's departure.
Seonghyeon was sitting at a picnic table in their high-school yard with the whole band. Due to Keonho's absence, the bags under his eyes were starting to get darker, his movements were becoming lazy and his personality wasn't as free as before. It felt like he was a ray of sunshine caged in an endless night.
Martin still wasn't over the fact that Keonh left everybody, and James was trying to be comprehensive Juhoon just felt.
And Seonghyeon was sorry for what he was about to tell them.
"So, what do you have to tell us, Eomma?" James tried to lift up the mood, banging his two hands against the table surface.
But nobody laughed, Seonghyeon just exhaled fearfully.
Martin was all silent, looking away waiting for Seonghyeon to say even just one word.
"Guys...I don't think that the band really has any meaning anymore"
There, he was right about to say it.
Martin was all sat, and he listened. Or he looked like he was listening.
"Why do you say that?!" the question was from James, which of course didn't want anybody else leaving.
"Keonho is gone"
The next to speak was Martin.
"So what?"
everyone stayed silent.
"We don't need a traitor"
Seonghyeon crossed his arms. "You are being overdramatic"
"No, you are being overdramatic, Seonghyeon" his voice tone raised up.
"No, you are, Martin! Keonho isn't a traitor... he just... has his priorities"
Martin scoffed. "Ugh, what a stupid I am to think that a whole freaking band with the best friends of a life could be a little tint more precious than a freaking study trip to New York! Right, guys, we are all stupid here! Idiots, idiots!"
Seonghyeon knew Martin was right. That all of this was just an excuse to defend Keonho, just not to say that Keonho never really cared about him. But an idiot for nobody was still an idiot.
"Yeah, of course, we are all idiots!" Seonghyeon tossed his hand back, gesticulating and leaned back on the bench.
Everyone was silent again.
"By the way, I am quitting. This is all" and then he stood up and started walking away from his past, knowing that he was going to have nightmares about it.
"Whatever! Alright, do whatever you want! Don't show up anymore! It's whatever!" Martin yelled, watching Seonghyeon walking away, Juhoon tugging the end if his sleeve trying to calm him down.
That was the really last time Seonghyeon had ever seen Juhoon, James and Martin. And he was sorry, he really was.
But an idiot will always remain an idiot.
•°☆°•
Seonghyeon woke up in the middle of the night: Keonho was hugging him tight with nothing on but a blanket, and he was fast asleep. Right, they were together for the night, he remembered.
He felt hungover, even if he hadn't even drunk one drop of alcohol, and his body was on fire against Keonho's. He had a terrible headache, he felt a high fever, and he had just finished dreaming about the time he told the band he was leaving. Great. Perfect.
He tried to turn around, but he accidentally woke Keonho up: he first opened slightly one eye, murmoured Seonghyeon's name, and then opened the other. He was looking right into his eyes.
"Seonghyeon-ah" Keonho called with a raw voice, as Seonghyeon sat up on the bed, letting the blanket fall of his chest.
"How are you so freaking...God, how do I say this? Addictive?"
Keonho turned around, resting with his back against the mattress, staring at the roof. Seonghyeon, right beside him, backing the wall, was trying to understand what that made him. Addictive?
"Guess you can't get away without me" he shrugged, his voice barely upon a whisper.
They kept silence for a while. It felt good, that unspoken reality lingering there: that the only time they saw each other was like this. Seonghyeon had finally understood that, he had fed himself of fantasies, justifications for way too long: but, again, there was nothing to do. Keonho in Seoul was still a stranger, it was a train passing by his stop.
Seoul had forgotten him, he was nobody to nobody, except for Seonghyeon. Seonghyeon knew Keonho, even if he wished many times that he could forget him, and that is probably why he still felt like a stranger in the Seoul.
But Keonho was the real stranger; Keonho was the real person nobody knew anymore.
He was a stranger, and Seonghyeon along with him.
A stranger can't stay in the same city.
"Let's go to New York. Together. We can be happy, Keonho-ya" started Seonghyeon. Two strangers was all they were.
Keonho was already shaking his head "No, it's...it's better if things stay like this".
"So when will I see you again?"
"I don't know. I am moving out of Seoul, I will be permanently in New York"
"And will you come sometimes?"
"Yes, I will"
"And we will go to our old garage, right? We will kiss like this and then say goodbye. Wait some more years, and then we will do the same. Over and over again?"
Keonho paused. Maybe he realised everything.
"Yes, Seonghyeon-ah. We will stay like this".
•°☆°•
Seonghyeon has never been special enough to be Keonho's boyfriend: the band was gone, had been for a while; Keonho kept coming around once every year; Seonghyeon kept counting down and up days over days like a death condemned.
The memories lingered and never moved again.
There was this thing about Keonho: that he never remembered the only time he told Seonghyeon "I love you".
If Keonho ever where to ask him, Seonghyeon would have told him this:
"You said you loved me like no tomorrow, and then proceeded to let the tomorrow come only for me"
But you did tell me you loved me. You weren't lying.