Chapter Text
*Ryan’s POV*
Today at school was horrible. It was so bad that I literally left school because I couldn’t take it anymore. Of course, Spencer found me before I did anything stupid. We talked and we both went home after he knew that I was safe and I wasn’t going to hurt myself. My mom invited Spencer and his family, Brent and his family, and Brendon...yeah, he lives with me. I know I upset Brendon by storming out of Miss Ivy’s class, so I tried to apologize to him and he seemed to be forgiving of me because he understood. Before everyone else arrived, I was helping my mom with dinner and she was too occupied with making dinner to even think about asking me why I left school. My dad of course found out about it. I mentally prepared for him to scream at me like he usually does, if he doesn’t choke me or anything like that. He came over to me and said:
“Your school called and said that you left school grounds. What the fuck has been with you the past few weeks, Ryan? You never do that shit!”
I rolled my eyes and just ignored him. I’m in no mood to deal with my dad yelling at me today. I already have enough on my plate because of school and wondering if I’ll even have the guts to be the driving force in a band. He started to try to get me to tell him again, but using my birth name. I hate it when he uses it. It makes me want to scream until I lost my voice.
“George Ryan Ross the third, I don’t appreciate you ignoring me when I’m asking you a question! Now tell me why you left school grounds today!”
I retorted, “Leave me alone, Father! Since when were you so concerned about my schoolwork all of a sudden?! I thought you didn’t give a fuck about what I’m doing in school!” I added, “Besides, for a lot of my schooling, you were either working, out drinking even though Mama has told you plenty of times not to, or you’re down in the basement drinking yourself into a coma. Now you’re concerned about what I do in school? You don’t even give a rat’s ass about how I do!” I was real close to going up to him and give him a taste of his own medicine, but what’s that going to solve? Nothing. Mama rolled her eyes and said to me quietly:
“Ignore him, Ry-Ry. He’s just on his rambles again. Don’t worry about it too much.”
Dad sighed. “Let me guess...you’d rather tell your mother than me about why you fuckin’ left for the rest of the day?”
I said, “Well, maybe it’s because Mama doesn’t scream at me like you do, Dad! Yes, I left for the rest of one school day. So what? It’s not the end of the world! I’ve ditched class before and Mama was perfectly fine with it because I told her that I was going to leave. I do my homework even before I come home, I’m passing all of my classes as of right now, I’m not getting in trouble with the law, and I am sure as hell not like you. I don’t understand why you beat me up physically, verbally, and psychologically when I did absolutely nothing to you!” I groaned. “Brendon, could you help me out here?”
Brendon threw his hands up. “I’m staying out of it.”
“What the hell, Brendon?! You’re gonna just let my dad possibly attack me? What a real good boyfriend you are! At least if your good-for-nothing parents were giving you shit, I’d be there to stick up for you!”
He said, “Babe, calm down. The reason why I said that is because I don’t want to make it worse for you. Okay?” He added, “Besides, you need to start standing up for yourself. I can’t keep doing it all the time.”
That was when something snapped. I snarled, “Oh, you’re just the most goddamn perfect person to ever exist, aren’t you? How dare you try to act like you’re so much better than me! Oh, of course nothing’s wrong with you, is there? Who helped you move out of your parents’ house because they didn’t accept you for being an atheist? Me. Who visited you when you were feeling down in the dumps? That’s right. Me. Who has always had your back on everything and supported you through hell or high water? ME!”
“Baby...I didn’t mean to say it like that. I’m sorry.” After he said that, I started crying. I felt horrible for snapping at him.
I was sniveling. “I-I’m so sorry, Brennie...I didn’t mean to snap at you over something that had nothing to do with you!”
Brendon gave me a hug and consoled me. “Oh, my poor baby. I know you didn’t mean it.” I was still sniveling and gasping for air. He said, “Hey...I’m not mad at you for leaving Ivy’s. If I was in your shoes, I’d leave too.”
Mama comforted me. “Ry-Ry, we won’t be mad at you if you tell us. Don’t be afraid. I’ll make sure your father doesn’t hurt you.”
I sighed. “The reason why I left school for the rest of the day is because this girl was bothering me.” I was shaking. “Sh-She said that I should go kill myself...and I couldn’t take it anymore.” I began sobbing again and was shaking in my boyfriend’s arms.
Dad roared, “What?!”
“Oh, my poor baby!” my mom comforted me and kissed my head. This was one of the rare occasions when my mom actually got mad. She said to me in her most intimidating voice, “If that girl bothers you again, so help me, I will let you be off your meds for a few days and kill her. Do you understand me, Ryan?”
I insisted, “Mama, as much as I’d love to put Ari in her place and make sure she never bothers me or my friends again, I can’t beat her up! I don’t want to go to jail because I beat up a girl who’s been bothering me since middle school.”
Mama said, “Ry-Ry, I didn’t mean to say it like that. Just put her in her place. You don’t have to beat her up or anything like that because we taught you better than that. Get under her skin, y’know? I know you know how to do that.”
I sighed in relief. “Oh, that’s a relief. I really don’t want to beat up a girl. I would never do that anyway.”
“I know, sweetie. You’re a good boy.” After a while, everyone else started showing up...except for Brendon’s family, which isn’t surprising. They wouldn’t want to see themselves with a bisexual atheist and his feminine-looking boyfriend. Whatever. What Brendon and I do is none of their business anyway. Like, we’re not doing anything extreme. Of course, Spencer’s little sisters automatically ran over to me and hugged me. They’re sweethearts. Blake said to me:
“Hey, Ryan! What’re you doin’?”
I said, “Just being attacked by two adorable girls. What about you, Blake?”
“Meh. Just hanging out with my big brother and my dad.”
Something I wish my dad would be willing to do like he used to, I thought. I shouldn’t be worrying about that right now. Sometimes I do get a little envious of my friends, but I still love them dearly. I sat down by Brendon like I usually do and everyone was socializing with one another. I just wanted to stay as quiet as possible. Nick, our band teacher decided to come by as well, which settled me a little bit. Spencer’s mom was the first person who noticed that I was being really quiet. She asked me:
“Ryan, what’s the matter? You’ve been very quiet.”
Brent’s dad observed, “You barely even said a word tonight.”
Mama covered for me. “Ryan’s not feeling very talkative tonight.” She took me aside and asked me quietly, “Are you feeling well?” I shook my head. I actually feel like I’m going to puke or pass out. She felt my cheeks and my forehead. “Sweetie, you’re burning up. You’re not getting sick, are you?”
I whispered, “It’s that thing, Mama.” She nodded and felt my stomach and my back, which I almost screamed in pain. “Mama, careful...I’m in pain.”
“I’m so sorry, Ry-Ry. If you need to, you can go lay down. I know how that feels.” I went back to the table to eat some more, which I didn’t really take much to begin with. I just wasn’t that hungry...though I never really am. I finished up and put my plate in the sink before going back to say to Brendon:
“Hey, Brennie, I’m gonna go upstairs to get something.”
Hopefully, Brendon’s going to buy it. He said quietly, “Okay, babe.” I went upstairs to the bathroom so I could get some time alone. I really need some time alone anyway. My instincts told me to lock the door and rummage the medicine cabinet for the sleeping pills I’ve been prescribed a while ago. I’ve had problems sleeping for a while. I read the label on the bottle and I had a lot of thoughts swirling through my head.
You’re nothing, Ross!
Why do you even bother trying to win people over?
You should just kill yourself, Ryan Ross!
Mr. Steele just likes you because he wants a piece of that ass.
I hate it when you hide shit from me, Ryan! I really do.
Oh, you wanna be a rockstar, huh? Well, good luck with that. It ain’t happenin’.
I had horrible flashbacks of all those times I was thrown on the floor, beat around and all those many nights when I cried myself to sleep. I felt tears streaming down my face and I began sobbing loudly. I took almost half of the bottle of pills and swallowed them, feeling horrible afterwards. I dropped to the floor and screamed so loudly I thought my eardrums would burst. The sobbing and screaming just got louder and louder. I screamed for my mom, but I didn’t think that she heard me. I kept on calling for anyone who would come up and help me.
*Spencer’s POV*
I heard a whole bunch of screaming from upstairs and I automatically began hyperventilating. I asked Danielle, “Danielle, may I have the bathroom key, please? I hear screaming upstairs.” I know who it is. I know that scream from anywhere. It’s horrendous and almost worthy of making someone go deaf. Danielle said to me:
“Sure, Spencer. The key’s on the counter by the fridge.”
I said, “Thank you, Danielle.” I took the key and ran upstairs to the bathroom to hear my best friend screaming and sobbing so loud that it was literally heart-wrenching. I unlocked the door and saw that he was on the tile floor vomiting. I got down beside him. What I’m witnessing right now isn’t what I ever wanted to see. The sight of him on the floor like that made my blood curdle and my stomach turn. I’ve never seen him like this before. I panicked, held him in my arms and screamed, “BRENT! BRENDON! MR. SLAVIC! PLEASE COME UP HERE!” Ryan doesn’t look very good. I tried to save him in every way I knew until they came up here. Once they got up to the bathroom, I was holding onto Ryan who was sobbing and I was joining him...and that was the only time I even cried in front of anyone else besides my friends (hence Mr. Slavic was up here too).
Brent was the only one who was calm, which really scared me. He asked me, “Spencer, what’s the matter?” I was being strangled with sobs so much that I could barely talk to him. He saw that Ryan was in my arms and he couldn’t really react. All he could do was hold the both of us and be as calm as possible. Brent held Ryan’s hand and told him, “Ryan, you’re going to be okay. Just think about all the things you want to do in life, and this will seem like just a bad dream. I promise you.” Mr. Slavic couldn’t even shed a tear. He just dropped to his knees and screamed. Brent got up to try to calm him down. “Nick, please. Ryan’s going to be okay. I know it. I know this is very traumatizing for you, but he’ll be fine. He would never leave us like this. Ever.”
He said, “Brent, you don’t understand how much this terrifies me. I found one of my students in that closet in my classroom that I don’t use hanging. I don’t want to lose another one!”
“Nick, we’re not gonna lose Ryan! Ryan’s a fighter, and you know that better than most people who know him!” Brent and Mr. Slavic noticed that Ryan was trying to say something. He said weakly:
“Nick, it’ll be okay. Don’t worry. I would never leave any of you like this. I want Brendon to marry me...to be in a successful band with Spencer, Brent and Brendon...I’m not giving that up. That’s the only thing keeping me alive right now is you guys. If I let you down, that’d kill me. I want to be better than my dad...set a better example for kids. I may be hanging by threads right now, but guess what? By tomorrow, I’ll be okay. I won’t even remember what’s happening right now...it’ll all feel like a bad dream.”
Ryan closed his eyes for a bit, which made us all hit the fucking roof. Especially Brendon. I wonder about him a lot. I know he got kicked out and everything, but still. This is his boyfriend, Brent’s best friend, my partner in crime, and Nick’s little brother that he wish he had. Brendon started wailing. “RYAN! OPEN YOUR EYES, BABE! PLEASE DON’T DIE ON ME!” He dropped to his knees and was hysterical. “Ryan, no! I don’t want to lose you! You’re all I have!” Brendon breathed in a sob. “Everyone who I thought loved me left, but you never left...don’t leave me now, I beg you!” He took him from me and ran downstairs with him in his arms, making a scene. He could barely talk to Danielle. “D-Danielle...R-Ryan’s...he needs to get to a hospital...I don’t want him to d-die in my arms right now!” Blake asked me:
“What’s wrong with Ryan? Is he sick?”
I heard Ryan’s dad mutter, “Yeah, in the damn head like his loonie teacher.” I said:
“Hey! Not cool, George. Not cool! My sisters are here. Have some respect!”
Brent told us, “Let’s take him right now. Blake and the girls don’t need to see him like this.” We took him to Brent’s car and drove him to the emergency room. Brent said to Brendon and me, “You two keep an eye out for Ryan. Check his vitals.”
I took Ryan’s hand and felt his pulse, which he still had luckily. I said, “Ryan’s still got a pulse.”
He nodded. “Good. That’s a good sign. Where’d you learn to keep him alive like that, Spence?”
“My mom taught me.”
Brendon sniffled. “Ryan...are you okay, baby?” We were all waiting for a response out of him, but the only response we got was him sobbing. Not like when you’re sad. More like heart-wrenching and like you’re being choked. Of course, Brendon was freaking out. I don’t want my friend to die right here in Brent’s car. We finally got to the hospital and had him be rushed into the emergency room. I was sitting there in the waiting room trying not to panic so much, but it was so hard to since Ryan was in the emergency room and I wanted to know if he was going to be okay. Brendon obviously was taking this really hard. Brent? He was so numb to it that he couldn’t bring himself to speak.
“Hey, you okay, Brendon?” I asked.
He shook his head. “No, Spencer, I’m not.” Brendon got angry. “I can’t believe that Ryan would do this to us...he promised us that he wouldn’t resort to this. Now he’s in the emergency room, which is not where I wanted him to be!” He breathed in a sob. “I don’t want to lose him, guys! He’s everything to me...he’s the one I want to marry! If he dies, I’ll die of a broken heart.”
Brent finally said something. He said, “Ryan will be fine. He’s a fighter. If he beat the cutting, then he can beat this. He’s a lot stronger than you seem to realize, Brendon.”
Brendon nodded. “I know. Ryan’s literally everything to me...I’ll never find a guy like him again. But I know deep down he’ll be fine.” A few of the nurses came over to us and they seemed to have good news. He asked them, “How’s my boyfriend?”
One of the nurses said, “Your boyfriend will be just fine. He just needs to stay in here for a little while.”
I sighed in relief. “Oh, thank god he’s okay! I thought we were gonna lose him.”
The other nurse laughed. “Oh, he was very lucky to have such caring friends like you three young men.” She asked, “Say, who was the one who gave him some extra time over here?”
I smiled confidently. “I did. I was taught by the best. Ryan’s my homeboy. Always will be.”
Brendon asked them, “Is it okay for us to go see him?”
“Sure. We’ll lead you three to where he is right now.” I’m so happy that he’s okay. I thought he was going to be a goner, but he survived, so that’s good. We walked in to see him with some medicine and he was hooked up on oxygen, but he was okay. That’s all that was important to us. Ryan beamed when he saw us.
“Hey, guys...you happy to see me?”
Brendon hugged him tightly. “Baby, I’m so happy that you’re okay! You really scared me!”
Ryan said quietly, “I’m sorry, Brennie...I don’t know what came over me...just what happened today was the last straw.”
Brent got a little angry with him. “Ryan, do you know how much you scared us? Scared the hell out of me. I thought you were gonna die in my car!”
“I know, Brent, and I’m so sorry that I put you guys through that,” he replied. “But I won’t do that to you guys ever again. I promise you that.”
I asked the doctor, “Yo, Doc, does Ryan have to go back to that mental hospital or what?”
He shook his head. “Well...according to his records, he should, but since he’s got a good support group right here with him, I believe he’ll be just fine.”
That’s a relief. I knew he had a very traumatic experience over there and he didn’t want to go back. I better tell everyone that he’s okay. I called our parents at the house and waited for the phone to ring. They finally picked up and I said, “Hey...I’ve got some good news for you guys. Put the phone on speaker. I’ll hand the phone over to Ryan.”
Ryan talked to them. “Hey, guys. I’m in the hospital right now, but I’m okay. I love all of you dearly.” He added, “Pass it on to Blake and the girls. They’re probably worried sick about me. Tell them that I’m okay and I’ll be home once they discharge me.” I heard my sisters trying to talk to Ryan and they were telling him to get well. He laughed softly. “I’ll be just fine, girls. Don’t worry about me. I’m a strong guy. You know that.” His mom said:
“Ryan, we were worried sick about you! I’m so happy that you’re okay.”
He said, “Mama, I didn’t mean to make you worry.” There was his dad in the background and he was so hard to understand. Ryan added, “I’m so sorry, Mama. I made you worry a ton and I feel horrible about it because you already have enough to deal with.”
“No, I had every reason to worry about you, Ry-Ry. You’re my baby boy and I love you very much.”
“I love you too, Mama,” Ryan replied. He asked, “Say, how’s Nick? Is he okay now?”
His mom said, “Nick’s fine. He’s just talking to Brent’s father. Do you want to talk to him?” Ryan responded and we all heard Nick’s voice.
“Nick!”
He asked, “Ryan?” Nick said in his cheerful voice, “I’m so happy you’re okay, Ross-a-Roo! I thought you were gonna be a goner.”
Ryan laughed. “I’m okay now, Nick. Don’t stress yourself out. It scares me when you do that.” He asked, “You’re not having a panic attack anymore, are you?”
“No, I’m not. Brent’s dad calmed me down real quick. How long are you supposed to stay in the hospital?”
Brent took over the phone and said, “They said that he could come home in a few minutes. They just need to discharge him and I’ll bring him home.” He added, “His oxygen levels are great. Ry’s gonna be just fine. Won’t even remember it in the morning.” Brent smirked. “Nick, Ryan’s doctor’s super cute. That’ll give you something to think about.”
I took the phone from both of them and I said, “Ryan’s gonna be home in a little while. We’ll see you then.” I ended the phone call. As soon as Ryan got discharged and everything, we took him back to his place. It felt like every day we’re together. It feels good to know that our clique didn’t get torn apart. Let’s just hope he stays here for a long time.