Chapter Text
Blearily, Sirius blinks awake as the sunlight pierces through his bedroom window.
Fuck. He must have forgotten to close his curtains last night. Right now he can’t be bothered to close them though, so he settles for shooting a lengthy glare at the sunshine, before closing his eyes again in a defiant attempt to go back to sleep. As he does so, he shifts in bed to try and find a better sleeping position. And he does end up finding a partially comfortable one; the only weird part is that there’s strange sensation of something pleasantly warm pressed against his back, almost draped around him.
Then it all comes back to him. Sirius tenses, instinctively but decides that it’s better to remain silent and pretend to be asleep instead. He does not want to be the one to start this awkward conversation, so he waits for his best mate to say something first.
“Mornin’” James murmurs, leaning over to briefly pressing his lips against Sirius’ forehead. The action should technically be a kiss, but it doesn’t feel like one. In books, kisses are always described as this exciting thing which is supposed to make his heart race.
The way people describe crushes makes it sound a lot like illness or anxiety. And this isn’t anything like that at all.
Being with James feels familiar and normal. Sirius hasn’t really given it enough thought to figure out what they are, but he doesn’t think that he necessarily needs to anyway. Because they’re simply James&Sirius, just like they always have been.
Except things could be different between them now. Because Sirius only remembers vague moments from last night, but he does remember James having to pry the bottle of fire whisky out of his grasp.
He also remembers snogging James. Or- well, it wasn’t really a proper snog anyway because it only lasted for a few awkward seconds.
A better way to describe it would be that it had just started as one of their normal evenings in. James was drinking too, but probably not as much, because he was the one to suggest that they should go to bed. And Sirius had followed him all the way to the bedroom.
“What, d’you want to sleep in my bed?” Except James had said it as a joke, eyes crinkling at the corners with amusement.
And Sirius actually had wanted to. Because even though sharing a bed isn’t something they do often, he knows from experience that he doesn’t get any nightmares when he sleeps with James and also that James is surprisingly comfortable.
But then he started thinking about how the reason why they don’t usually share a bed is because that isn’t really what ‘friends’ do, but that’s didn’t make sense because they were friends, and fuck, it really would be a whole lot simpler if they were actually a couple, because then Sirius wouldn’t need an excuse to want to share a bed with James.
So he did something incredibly stupid. He leaned forward and just crashed their lips together. James had just kind of frozen, before gently pushing him back with a gentle, “You’re drunk, Pads.” And then-
Well, everything after that is sort of blurry.
Sure, James’ arms are around him right now, but he’s always been clingy so that isn’t really surprising. Sirius’ glances down at himself just to double check, and lets out a sigh of relief when he sees that he’s still wearing all his clothes.
Sirius doesn’t say anything, still feigning sleep because he doesn’t want to have to get up quite yet. Doesn’t want to consider having the conversation that might be necessary after last night.
It’s a nice feeling; Just lying here, with his head resting on James’ chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat through his T-shirt.
Then again, maybe Sirius simply feels content right now because of how he enjoys being around James in general. Just spending time together feels right in a way that’s difficult to explain, even though silence with anyone else would bother Sirius.
James’ arm is slung around his waist, but somehow feels natural, and also oddly nice because it feels grounding, and safe in a way that Sirius is unused to. His fingers are woven through Sirius’ long, dark hair and he fiddles with it in a slow and soothing manner.
It feels like it’s early in the morning, but since it’s summer, there’s a faint glow of sun that’s already shining behind the curtains.
Sirius shifts, finally giving up the pretence of sleep entirely and opening his eyes fully and propping his chin up on his hands so that he can study James who’s underneath him. The good thing is that James doesn’t seem to mind being stared at, he just smiles at Sirius and readjusts a little so that his hands are folding around Sirius and coming to rest comfortably on the small of his back.
James’ is certainly objectively attractive, with tanned skin, faint freckles scattered across his nose, a sharp jaw line and warm brown eyes with tiny amber flecks in.
But it’s also the aspects of his face that most people miss that Sirius finds interesting. Like the faded scar on his chin that he got from falling off his broom in seventh year. Or the fact that his glasses have golden wire frames and there’s a dent in the left corner. Maybe the most truly intriguing thing about his face is how easily he’s able to summon a honey sweet smile that gets him out of just about anything with most teachers. Sirius recognises a useful skill when he sees it, and has tried practicing that smile at least a dozen times in the mirror, before deciding that it must be a thing that only James Potter can do.
Abruptly, the silence is broken.
“I think I might be in love with you.” James admits softly.
James’ feelings shouldn’t be a shock, but it certainly feels that way for Sirius. And now he’s nervous, because the last thing he wants to do is to break his best mates’ heart.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius mutters. He does feel genuinely sorry, since James couldn’t have picked a worse person to be in love with.
Because James is wonderful, and he deserves someone to have some great romance with, someone who would reciprocate his romantic feelings in a heartbeat. And that hurts Sirius, because he selfishly wants to be the most important person in James’ life, but he knows that he can never really be that person. James wants romance, he’ll probably want to date someone who likes him back, things will get more serious (no pun intended) between them, and they’ll buy some stupid picket fence house somewhere, and Sirius will be left all alone all because he couldn’t love enough.
He has tried to get crushes like everyone else seems to have, but it’s never really happened for him. He knows for sure that if he could choose to be in love with anyone then he would pick James. But he just can’t force himself to feel that way, no matter how hard he tries.
“Hey,” James murmurs, shifting slightly in order to move his hand to cup Sirius’ cheek, and brushing away a tear that Sirius hadn’t even noticed slip out. All Sirius can focus on are James’ wide brown eyes, “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” He says firmly.
“I don’t believe you.” Sirius blurts out. Because he’s never known when to shut up, and James is right there but suddenly it feels like an awfully real possibility that he might lose him. “James, you really- really shouldn’t be in love with me.”
“Okay.” James replies, easily, without a single trace of annoyance in his voice. “I won’t be, then.”
They descend back into silence, letting the morning glow wash over them, before- “Mate, are you seriously not going to follow that up?”
“I don’t know.” James replies, with a small frown of confusion, “D’you want me to?”
“Well, no,” Sirius huffs, “But you can’t drop a ‘I’m in love with you’ and then just leave it at that. Like, maybe explain why you think you’re in love with me so that I at least have a chance to prove you wrong.”
Honestly, at this point he’s just hoping that an actual conversation will mean that they can just get the awkwardness out of the way so that they can go back to the not-just-friends-but-not-in-love-either thing that they’ve had going for years.
“Well,” James says slowly, still hesitant, “I guess…. I guess it’s because you’re the most important person in my life. And I don’t know, I used to fall in love with the idea of falling in love with people, but I don’t think I actually want a relationship with anyone who isn’t you. So, in conclusion, I must be in love with you.”
“I’m no expert, but it doesn’t sound like you’re actually in love with me.” Sirius replies, hoping that he’s correct.
“Maybe not, then.” James concedes, shrugging his shoulders, “I really do love you, though, Pads. Like a lot. Even if it’s in a different way. D’you think that’s enough?”
“It is for me.” Sirius decides. And he means it, too. Because loving James hasn’t always been easy, but it’s safe and comfortable and it makes him feel happier than anything else has. And that’s more than enough.