Chapter Text
“So, Mr. Egbert, you’re accusing your father of threatening to kill you?”
John leaned in close to the microphone, “Yes that is correct, he-”
Jade snatched it before he could finish. “Mr. Egbert told us he was gonna hunt us down and rip our guts out!! He said if he ever got out-”
John tried to grab the microphone back, the ensuing squabble sending feedback squealing through the courtroom. Mr. Egbert looked at the parole officer and raised an eyebrow.
“Mr. James Egbert, you have been granted parole.”
John and Jade argued all the way back to Jade’s apartment. With John’s dad out of jail, they knew they were going to have to take drastic measures to avoid a brutal, grisly, and epic double murder. John sat on the couch, watching Jade pace back and forth.
“Dude, we should just hop on a cargo train like in those old movies! We could be hobos!” He grabbed a bandana and started arranging random crap from the coffee table on top of it, looking around wildly for a stick to tie it to.
Jade scoffed. “Are you kidding? He would definitely find us bro.”
John found a hockey stick under the couch and laid it across the coffee table with the bandana. “Jade, that’s why we have to keep moving! We’ll wander like, like some kind of weird, wayward vagabonds. Now help me pack the stick and bindle!”
Jade stopped pacing and put her hands on her hips. “John as cool as it would be to be hobo drifters, there’s simply no way that this is gonna work!”
John wasn’t listening. “Goddammit I can barely fit two bottles of beer in this! How do hoboes carry around all their stuff in a single tiny bandana! It just doesn’t make sense!”
“Wait! I got it!” She walked over and sat down next to John. “The only way that your dad won’t try to kill us, is if we’re already dead!”
John dropped the attempted stick and bindle and turned to face Jade. “Ok cool. Let’s kill ourselves, dude. I’m down.”
“What? John no we’re not actually gonna kill ourselves.”
“Yeah!” John started gesturing wildly, “I’ll go grab a knife and and jam it into your neck, and then if it doesn’t look that bad after all the blood stops squirting out I might do it too!”
For a moment, Jade simply stared, at a complete loss for words. “John,” she said, “what the fuck dude. No.”
“What?” John was baffled. “Then what are we gonna do?”
“We’re gonna fake our deaths!”
“Oh.” John scratched at his chin. “Yeah I guess we could also do that.”
“Yeah!” Jade snapped in exasperation. “Yeah, we could also pick the plan where we don’t actually fucking die!”
John raised his hands placatingly. “Alright jeez, calm down dude. How are we gonna do this? I mean, it has to be convincing right?”
Jade pondered this for a moment. “Right. ‘Cause like, if we were gonna kill ourselves it would be with class.”
“Of course it would be with class!” John shouted, “What, you think I’m not gonna die with class?”
“Right!” Jade was now also shouting. “It would be something awesome, like an explosion right?”
“Of course it would be an explosion! What, you think I’m not gonna explode?” John was excited now. He grabbed the container of lighter fluid off the ground. “It’s gonna be a blaze of glory! Let’s do it right now dude!” He opened the bottle and started pouring it on himself in a frenzy.
“Whoa, whoa alright!” Jade lurched forward and grabbed the bottle. “First step, do not douse yourself in lighter fluid.”
“Alright, what the fuck is this.” Dave was in the bar bathroom when he saw it. “Rose! Get in here! There’s a hole in the stall!”
Rose came to the doorway. “What?” She asked, eloquently.
Dave just pointed. “Look. We need to get Jade down here to fill it. I’m not about to start doing Jade work just ‘cause her and John think they don’t have to be here pulling their weight with the rest of us. Who the fuck puts a hole in a bathroom stall.”
“Let’s not call Jade just yet.” Rose leaned in to look at the hole, a growing leer on her face.
“What? Why not?” Dave asked, “We can’t just keep that there.”
The door slammed open as Roxy walked in. “Heyo what’s goin’ on in here? Party in the bathroom, alright!”
“There’s no party, you old broad.” Dave said, “There’s a god damned hole in the stall.”
“What? Why?”
“I think Rose was about to enlighten us.” Dave said, crossing his arms over his chest.
Rose stood up from where she had been examining the hole and clapped her hands together. “Well, my dear brother, it seems that you have found our bar’s very own glory hole.”
Roxy squealed with excitement as Dave continued staring at Rose. “What the shit is a glory hole?”
“Oh, Dave,” Rose said, “A glory hole is a fantastic contraption invented to allow one to get their dick sucked by a stranger and expose themselves to all kinds of disease in an unsanitary bathroom.”
She said this all with an air of a kindergarten teacher explaining that the sky was blue. Dave still wasn’t getting the picture. “Why in god’s reeking asshole would anyone want that.” He asked.
“The thrill, obviously.” Rose rolled her eyes at Dave’s clear ignorance.
“Ok, well what if it’s a dude on the other side and you think it’s a girl?” He asked.
“That’s the risk of complete anonymity, Dave.” Rose did not look as concerned about this as Dave thought she should.
“Suppose the other guy is thinkin’ of a girl also. What then?” Roxy asked.
Dave and Rose stared at her. Rose was snickering and Dave just sighed.
“How’s he gonna do that with a dick in mouth?”
“John, are you sure we have to do this?”
“Absolutely.”
Jade sat on a desk chair, and John stood over her holding a pair of dubiously clean pliers. She eyed them skeptically.
“Bro, they’re gonna need to identify us, and everybody knows you can’t do that if the cops don’t find your teeth. Now open your god damned mouth dude, we’re burning daylight here.”
Jade reluctantly opened her mouth so John could reach in with the pliers. He grabbed a tooth and yanked hard. The tooth popped out easily, and John topped back onto the ground. He and Jade stared at each other.
“Holy shit.” said John.
“Holy shit.” said Jade.
She reached inside her mouth and pulled out another tooth with minimal effort.
John was aghast. “Oh my god!”
She did it again. And again. And again.
“For Christ’s sake, dude, stop doing that! What the hell!”
“They just come right out dude!”
“Why would you want to remove more teeth!”
She reached for another, but luckily for John’s stomach there was a knock at the door. They exchanged a panicked look.
“Yo, Jade!” It was Dave, “We got a dickhole at the bar. Need you to come fill it.”
Jade stood, “I gotta go fill his dickhole bro.”
She headed towards the door, but John scrambled to grab her before she answered it.
“Wait! You can’t go now. Dave can’t find out what we’re doing.”
“Shit.” Jade muttered. “Well now we can’t go out that door. What’re we gonna do?”
“Hey!” John snapped his fingers. “Dave has a car right?”
“Yeah?”
“Ok, I’ll get the keys and we’ll go out the window.”
“Got it!”
John ran to the door while Jade gathered the teeth. He swung it open and Dave looked surprised. He was even more surprised when John punched him in the face and grabbed his keys and wallet right out of his hand.
“Dude wha-”
John slammed the door in Dave’s face as glass shattered behind him. He whirled around to see Jade standing in front of the now broken window and the desk chair on its side.
“What the hell, Jade?”
“You said to go through the window!”
John was seconds away from tearing his hair out. “You could’ve just opened it!”
Jade thought about this. “Oh yeah.”
“Oh my god. I got the keys, let’s go.” John snapped.
They sat in Dave’s car, at the end of an empty alley. John gripped the steering wheel with sweaty hands and looked at Jade. She grinned and clapped her hands together.
“Alright so you’re gonna drive at the wall- totally floor it, pick up as much speed as possible- and then like 3 feet away, you jump out and run before it blows up.”
“Wait. what? What do you mean ‘you’? I’m not doing this alone, dude.”
“Dude, John, don’t worry! You’re gonna be fine, and I’m gonna be right here! In spirit.” Jade patted his shoulder reassuringly. “Physically, of course, I will be over there.” She pointed out the window.
John was shaking his head. “No way! Absolutely not.”
Jade sighed. “Come ON dude. Do you want your dad to come kill us?”
“If you’re so worried about that why don’t you drive then? Huh?”
“Oh my god, John. Stop being such a pussy.”
John squeezed his eyes shut and sucked in a breath, releasing it through his teeth with a hiss.
“Fine.”
Jade got out of the car and hurried to stand at a safe distance, calling a jovial “good luck!” over her shoulder. John braced himself. He hit the gas.
The car slammed into the wall with John still in it. Jade screamed and sprinted to the door to check if John was still breathing. The car, luckily, did not explode on impact, but it was smoking. Jade nearly pulled the door off its hinges in her rush to get to John, who was bleeding from his ears, nose, and mouth.
“HOLY SHIT!!! Holy shit holy shit holy shit. John. John!!!”
“I’m alright. ‘M fine!” He slurred. He fell out of the driver’s seat and stumbled against car, trying to stay upright. Jade threw his arm over her shoulder and half-dragged, half-carried him away.
“’s fine. ’m fine dude. ’m good.” John slurred.
“Why didn’t you jump out?!” She demanded.
“Not enough time, dude.” He was speaking slowly, enunciating each word. “Car didn’ blow up though. We gotta do somethin’ about that.”
“We’re gonna have to burn it!” Jade realized.
“Alright let’s do it dude. I’m alive!” John started laughing, “Whooooo!”
Jade pulled him out of the alley, also laughing. She shook her head.
“Holy shit, dude.”
John can mostly walk in a straight line by the time they get to the pawn shop. His ear is still bleeding profusely, but Jade thinks he’s probably fine by now.
“Hey, dude, so remind me why we’re not going to a gas station again? Do pawn shops even, like, have gasoline?” He asked.
Jade rolled her eyes. “John come on, we went over this already! First of all, you can find anything in a pawn shop, and second of all, gas stations have cameras! We’re supposed to be dead remember?”
John was looking around the store absently, “Yeah, yeah totally dude.”
Jade snapped her fingers in his face. “Bro, can you focus please? Like, do you even know what we’re doing here right now?”
“I’m focused! I’m completely fine bro. Literally never been better.” He said.
“Then help me find something that can blow up a car!” Jade turned away from him and walked further into the shop, not noticing when he didn’t follow.
“Damn look at this wedding dress dude.” John said, “That’s sad.”
Jade pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “John.” She said, “A wedding dress is not going to blow up a car.”
He looked at her. “Yeah but it’s sad right? Wonder what happened to the bride.”
“Oh my god. Come on.” She waved him over to the counter.
John was immediately distracted from the dress. “Woah they have guns here?”
“Yes dude. I told you, you can find anything at a pawn shop.” Jade said.
“Ok. So, we definitely can afford the gun and the wedding dress right.”
Jade stared at John. “We are not buying that god damned wedding dress John! That’s just not happening!”
John stared back. “Of course we’re buying the wedding dress! We can’t just leave it here.”
“Of course we can leave it here!” She shouted. “John, buddy, I think that crash fucked up your head ok? We have Dave’s wallet so we have money, and you need to focus and trust me to handle this one. And forget about the wedding dress!”
John pouted. “Alright.”
Jade knocked on the counter to get the shop owner's attention. “Sir? Excuse me?”
He walked over as Jade kept talking.
“Yeah so we need something that can blow up a car and also, like, annihilate any traces of a human being. You got anything that can do that?”
The man nodded and went to check the back. He returned to the counter with a grenade, and John’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head.
“Oh sweet!” Jade exclaimed, picking up the grenade. “This thing is live, right?”
He nodded.
“Ok awesome. We’ll take it. And this gun.”
“And the wedding dress!” John added.
Jade dragged a hand down her face. “For the love of- hey do you have anything that could help my friend here focus up? He’s losing his mind over here.”
The man considered them for a moment. “Got some poppers in the back.”
Jade nodded. “Alright, now we’re talkin!”
They were back in the alleyway, staring at the wrecked car.
“Ok.” Jade said. “I’m gonna throw this grenade at the car, it’s gonna explode in a fiery ball of awesome, and we will be in the clear, but first, I’m gonna need you to do a popper.”
“Ok I got all that.” John said. “But, like, when do we find the bride?”
“Do not talk about that right now.” Jade said. “I can’t even believe you’re wearing that damn wedding dress. Just take a popper, please. I can’t deal with your nonsense anymore.”
She held out the bottle under John’s nose. “Inhale.”
He breathed it in deep and whooped. “Whoa!”
“There we go!” said Jade. “It’s grenade time!”
“Yeah!” John shouted.
She dashed up to the car, pulled the pin, and dropped the grenade into the back seat. Laughing, they both ran for cover.
John said, “This is gonna be awesome, dude!”
The grenade went off in a massive cloud of thick gray smoke, no fire to be seen. The car horn honked. John and Jade stared in disappointment.
“That was totally lame!” said John, “That’s what grenades do?”
“It was an old ass grenade, dude.” said Jade. “We got ripped off.”
They looked at each other
“Alright well now what?” John asked. “I mean, we still have the gun.”
“Right! We can shoot at the gas tank that should blow it up.” Jade said.
“Ok, dude, stand back, I got this.” John picked up the gun and aimed carefully at the car. His first two shots went wide.
“Whoa!” Jade grabbed his arm. “We have limited bullets, dude. You gotta get closer.”
“What?” John whipped his head around to stare at her. “I can’t get closer, dude, we have to stay back ‘cause it’s gonna blow up!”
Jade rolled her eyes. “Chickenshit. I’d walk right up to that thing and shoot it.”
“Jade. It will blow. Up.” He reiterated.
“Yeah! And it’ll blow you to safety! Duh!!” She shouted.
“Alright. I got an idea.” John said. “Hold the popper to my nose and we’ll walk towards it and shoot.”
“Well that will at least help your aim.” Jade said. She opened the popper and stuck it under John’s nose as he started firing at the car. He hit the tank a few times, but the car remained intact and they were quickly out of bullets. John and Jade looked at each other.
Jade shrugged. “Maybe the cops will think we were, like, vaporized.”
Roxy and Dave were sitting at the bar when Rose walked in with a thick manila envelope.
“So,” she said, “according to the Philadelphia police department, John and Jade are dead.”
Dave and Roxy stared at her.
“WHAT?” Demanded Roxy. “What do you mean ‘dead’?”
“I mean that this envelope apparently contains their suicide video and their wills.” Rose said.
“What the fuck.” said Dave. “Let me see that video.”
They watched it in the back office. John and Jade were in Dave’s car, explaining that they had a suicide pact. They then grabbed each other’s hands and the video cut out as the song Blaze of Glory began playing.
Dave slammed his hand on the table. “What the fuck?” He said again.
Roxy was sniffling. “I can’t believe they’re dead!” She wailed.
“I can’t believe they didn’t include me in their suicide pact!” said Dave.
“You’re kidding right?” Rose asked. “They’re not actually dead, Dave.”
“Hey! Don’t disrespect the dead, Rose!” Roxy snapped.
“Rose, those idiots went out in a blaze of glory and they didn’t even ask us to join.” Dave said.
“They left us a list of demands, Dave!” Rose pointed out.
Roxy put a hand to her chest. “That is their last will and testament.”
Rose pulled the paper out of the envelope. “It’s titled ‘List of Demands’.”
Dave sighed and took off his shades. “Even from beyond the grave those two are a pain in my ass. What do they want.”
Rose read, “Jade wants us to cremate her and make her ashes into a tea that we all have to drink.” She wrinkled her nose in disgust.
Dave huffed. “Goddamn it. That’s gross. Fine. What else.”
“John wants you to burn the duster because there was no body, and we have to name our firstborn children Cameron because that is the name of Nic Cage’s character in the 1997 classic, Con Air .” She read.
Dave scoffed. “Is he kidding? I am not burning that duster. That’s ridiculous.”
“You have to!” Roxy shouted. “We have to honor their wishes.”
“They’re not even dead!”
They all started shouting at each other.
Meanwhile, on the roof:
John and Jade were roasting sausages over a fire and drinking beer while they listened to the others fight in the bar.
“They must be really upset if we can hear them from here, dude.” John said solemnly.
“Yeah.” Jade agreed. “All their bitching and crying. I’m excited about the hot dogs though, but- oh shit!”
“What?” John asked.
“We shoulda got beans, John! Hoboes always eat beans.” She said.
John shook his head. “We do not need beans, Jade. We are set up here.”
Jade hummed in agreement and took a sip of her beer, grimacing.
“What is it now, dude?” John asked.
Jade reached into her mouth.
“Aw, no c’mon with this!” John complained.
She pulled the tooth out anyway.
“How?” John demanded. “How does that happen?”
“Not sure.” Jade said. “I mean they can’t be my baby teeth, right?”
“Christ.” John sighed. “Just put it with the other ones.”
Jade obliged, dropping it into the tin. They sat by the fire and roasted their hotdogs as the Dave, Rose, and Roxy continued shouting below them.