Chapter Text
Remus and Sirius had gathered all of Remus’ ingredients and made their way to Sirius’ apartment. It was a sizable apartment, and looked very modern and organized. Remus had been expecting some man cave with dirty laundry covering the place, and was pleasantly surprised. Of course, he didn’t know that his presumption was actually correct and that all of the mess was hiding away in Sirius’ bedroom, but from what Remus could tell, the place was tidy. “This is a nice place,” Remus commented, gazing longingly at his soft looking sofa. Remus didn’t have any sofas in his apartment, just chairs and his bed.
“Thanks,” Sirius said, pleased with himself. He shed off the multiple layers of coats and threw them down on his couch, urging Remus to do the same. Remus felt lighter after removing his large coat, and followed Sirius. He led Remus to his kitchen, which was a little sloppy, but not too bad. He had a few stacks of mail in the corner and the sink was piled with dirty dishes, but it could have been worse.
Remus set the bags of ingredients down on a counter. “What have you got?” He asked, joining Sirius by a cupboard.
Sirius yanked open a door and crouched to get a better look in the shelves, “Well, sugar for one; I’ve also got some cake mix, baking soda, canned beans, vanilla extract…” Sirius continued naming items while Remus tried to piece together their ingredients. They could use the cake mix, which would be simple, but he wasn’t sure if they had the right things to make an actual cake. They could try to make brownies. “What do you think we can do with all of this?” Sirius finally asked, turning away from the cabinet.
“Well,” Remus began, crouching down next to Sirius, “We could always try to make a batch of brownies, or we could do layered brownies, and incorporate the cake mix? What type of cake mix is it?” Remus was a few inches away from Sirius, who was now incredibly aware of his proximity. Sirius had forgotten to actually listen to what Remus had said, rather he was staring at his lips, which couldn’t have been more than eight inches away from his own.
“Sorry, what?” Sirius asked sheepishly, scratching his head. “I kinda zoned out.”
“Oh, that’s fine. I was asking what kind of cake mix it is,” Remus repeated, not analyzing the situation.
“Yellow cake mix,” Sirius answered, reaching into his cabinet and pulling out a battered box, “You think we can use it?”
“Yeah, probably,” Remus answered, grabbing the cake mix and setting it next to the rest of their ingredients. “Do you wanna look up some recipes? I was thinking brownies,” Remus reminded him, gazing over their ingredients. Sirius nodded, running over to grab his phone off of the kitchen table the next room over.
“Layered brownies?” Sirius asked, confirming once more. Remus gave him a quick nod and then continue to organize their ingredients. He checked Sirius’ fridge, and he also had milk, which would be useful. “Hey Remus,” Sirius called, running back into the kitchen, “We could do something like this!” Remus handed him his phone, on a cooking website with a recipe for ‘slutty brownies.’
“I’m sorry, what? Slutty brownies?” Remus asked him skeptically, looking back down at the phone. Sirius nodded, grabbing the phone back and trying to explain.
“They’re basically layered brownies, like you were talking about. They call for cookie dough on the bottom, Oreos in the middle, and brownie mix on top. I figured we could substitute a few things, and maybe try the cake mix on the bottom instead of the cookie dough, because I don’t have anything for that. I think I’ve got some Oreos though, it could totally work!” Sirius looked excited, and in the end Remus agreed, because he couldn’t seem to say no to the other man.
“Do you think we should make two batches so we each bring in something?” Remus asked, looking over what the recipe called for.
“Nah, we’ll just see what happens,” was Sirius’ mellow response, grabbing mixing bowls and measuring cups from the drawers. Remus combined the dry ingredients while Sirius mixed together the liquids. They worked in silence, concentrating on getting the right amount of everything and making sure everything was mixed in well. “You ready to combine them?” Sirius asked, setting his whisk down in triumph.
“I think so,” Remus replied, looking at the brown, sweet smelling powder that would soon become brownie batter. “How does it say to combine them?”
Sirius pulled his phone back out, mumbling to himself as he read the direction. “It says to mix the dry ingredients into the others a little at a time,” Sirius answered. Remus complied, pouring a little bit of his concoction into Sirius’ and watching the other man stir the ingredients together. “More,” Sirius said once those were combined, and Remus added more. Each time, the batter got a little bit thicker and a bit more difficult to stir together. By the time Remus had poured all of the dry ingredients in, Sirius seemed to be straining, and his muscles tensed. Remus could make out Sirius’ surprisingly defined chest from underneath Sirius’ thin white t-shirt. Of course, Remus didn’t mean to look, it was inevitable.
“Does that look good to you?” Sirius asked, letting go and nodding towards the smooth combination of ingredients.
“Yeah, that looks great. Should we prepare the cake batter so we can put it in the pan first?” Remus asked, moving the bowl of batter aside and moving the rinse out the now empty dry ingredients bowl.
Sirius nodded, ripping open the box and reading the instruction. Once Remus was done cleaning the bowl, Sirius poured all of the cake mix in, which sent clouds of dust flying. “Oops,” He mumbled, brushing himself off. Remus was a little irritated, but couldn’t help but laugh when he saw Sirius’ reaction. “Hey, Remus, turn around,” Sirius instructed, looking a bit disheveled. Remus turned, a bit confused. “You’ve got some flour on you,” Sirius explained, brushing off Remus’ lower back, incredibly close to Remus’ butt. Remus shivered; he was a little embarrassed to have Sirius brushing flour off of him, and also a bit distraught to have Sirius’ hand so close to his butt. It was distracting.
“There we go,” Sirius said, just as nervous as Remus from their closeness. Sirius backed away from Remus and returned his attention to the bowl, reading back over the box. “We need milk and eggs,” Sirius told him, turning the rinse off the whisk they used for the brownie batter. Remus added the milk and eggs to the batter, stirring it together once Sirius had cleaned the whisk. Sirius was rummaging through his cabinet, looking for Oreos. Luckily he found them.
“I found a good dish to cook it in,” Sirius said, pulling out a large glass pan. “Oh, wait, we have to preheat the oven!” The two of them worked efficiently together, and soon the brownies were in the oven, cooking. “Hey, they don’t smell bad,” Sirius realized, looking rather proud. “Do you cook a lot, Remus?”
Remus shrugged, looking over at Sirius. “Not really. Do you?” Sirius laughed at that question, quickly shaking his head ‘no.’ “Well, they do smell good, I hope they turn out alright.”
Sirius was entranced by Remus. He was attractive to the point of unfairness, and he had a stellar personality. Yet here he was, cooking brownies with Sirius. How did he get so lucky? “Gosh you’re beautiful,” Sirius murmured, almost too quiet for Remus to hear. Sirius immediately registered that he said that out loud, and began to laugh it off, looking away from Remus.
“Wait, what? Did you… say something?” Remus asking, leaning closer to Sirius, who was now turning away from him to go check on the brownies. “Sirius?” He asked, jumping up to follow him.
“Oh, Remus, I think they’re ready!” Sirius said rather awkwardly, grabbing the oven mitts and pulling the brownies out of the oven. The aroma filled the room, distracting Remus from what he was going to ask Sirius. “Here, let’s cut them,” Sirius said, continuing to take charge and change the pace of the conversation. He felt like such an idiot for letting that slip, but didn’t want to screw up his friendship with Remus.
The party came sooner than expected, and in the end they were several hours late. Sirius drove Remus with their dessert to Lily’s front door. “We’re here!” He shouted, banging on the door cheerfully. Lily answered the door in a bright red party dress and a Santa hat. She has on striking red lipstick to go with the outfit, and looked drop dead gorgeous. Behind her, music was blaring and people were dancing badly, beers in hand.
“Lily, you look wonderful!” Remus said, pulling her in for a hug.
Lily hugged him back, and while leaning in next to his ear, she whispered: “Remus, what are you doing showing up with Sirius so late? Did something happen?”
Remus jumped away, his mind going back to when he and Sirius were lounging in Sirius’ apartment; to when he thought he may have heard Sirius call him beautiful. Of course, he didn’t want to say this to Lily when Sirius was standing behind them, so he frantically shook his head and shushed her. “Where should we put the desserts?” He asked her, gesturing towards the tray in Sirius’ hands.
“Follow me,” Lily said, leading them to a table stocked full of goodies and treats. “It’s so good to have you here, Remus,” Lily continued, smiling brightly, “I know ever sense you broke up with your last boyfriend you’ve been pretty lonely.” Lily made sure she said ‘broke up’ and ‘boyfriend’ loud enough for Sirius to hear, and gave Remus a little wink.
Remus felt himself blushing and turned away from Lily. “Stop interfering, nothing is going on between us!” He whisper-yelled, looking very uncomfortable.
“Oh come on, he likes you! Let me go talk to him, I’m sure of it!” Lily encouraged, turning to head towards Sirius.
Remus grabbed her arm, a pleading look on his face. “Lily, please, if he rejects me I don’t know what I’d do, please don’t tell him!”
“But he likes you!” She assured him, prying his hand off of her, “I’ll be quick.”
“No!” Remus hollered, a bit louder than he wanted to. Several faces turned towards him, and he noticed his breathing quicken and his heart rate accelerate. “Um, uh,” he mumbled, looking down and trying to block out the stares, “Sorry, I mean, um, excuse me….” With that, Remus grabbed a beer and stalked away, wiping tears off of his cheeks as he tried to calm himself.
“Ah shit,” Lily mumbled, “I went too far.” Sirius hadn’t seen Remus stomp away, and asked Lily what had happened. She shrugged, leaning back against the wall. “I think I upset him,” she mumbled, running a hand through her hair. “Could you go find him and tell him I’m sorry? He’ll know what you’re talking about.”
Sirius ran off into the crowd to find Remus. He was worried and confused. Why was Remus mad? He hoped it wasn’t because Remus thought Sirius was trying to come onto him when he called him beautiful, he just couldn’t help it. On the other side of the room, James encountered a rather tired looking Lily. “Hey, are you okay?” He asked gently, nudging her shoulder.
Lily shrugged, feeling quite pathetic. She was doing her best to hold back tears, but the overwhelming feeling of guilt welled up inside of her. She had been trying so hard to make her friend happy, without considering everybody else’s feelings. Even if they were meant to be, it wasn’t up to her to push it. “It’s nothing, I’m just… reflecting,” she answered after a long, drawn out silence between the two of them.
James had never seen this side of Lily. She was always incredibly confident and impenetrable, and now she was huddled away, hiding in a corner, helplessly lonely. And there was nothing he could do to help her. “Lily, are you sure? If you need anything, all you have to do is ask,” James continued, hoping he wasn’t overstepping his boundaries. Lily’s heart softened. This was the genuine kindness she had seen earlier. James wasn’t asking for anything in return, and he had no ulterior motives. After all, at this point Lily was a bit of a mess, not quite as put together as her usual, beautiful self. Yet James didn’t care.
With a surge of confidence, Lily grabbed James’ collar and pulled him into a kiss. Not a harsh one, but a soft, tentative kiss; eyes squeezed shut along with a warm embrace. James gasped, but found himself sinking into the kiss, feeling unimaginably euphoric. After a few seconds, they broke apart. James searched Lily’s eyes for some kind of answer, but she looked just as lost and confused as him. “Why?” He asked, his voice hardly audible.
Lily opened her mouth as if to speak, and then closed it. She thought for a moment, then looked back towards James. “I really can’t say,” She muttered. And then they kissed again. And again.
After what felt like an eternity of searching, Sirius found Remus sulking in a restroom, downing his beer. “Remus!” He said, rushing over to his friend. “Is everything okay? Lily told me to tell you that she wanted to apologize; what’s wrong? We just got here!”
Remus looked up wearily, setting down his beer. He was a little tipsy; his vision was foggy and his head was clouded, and yet one thing was clear: Sirius. “What are you doing here?” He slurred, knocking over the empty can when he turned. He jolted, looking rather alarmed. He was breathing frantically. In, out, in, out, in, out.
“I was worried about you, I wanted to make sure you were okay,” Sirius said, reaching towards Remus. He looked alarmed, and his eyes were red as if he had been crying. “Remus, are you okay? Please tell me you’re okay.”
Remus was trying to calm down from his incident with Lily, and was hardly listening to what Sirius was asking. He felt weak, lost, and helpless, and his heart would not slow down. By then, he was gasping for breath. All of those faces, looking at him, judging him. In, out, in, out, in, out. Repeat.
“Remus!” Sirius cried out, his worry growing exponentially. “Remus, do you have a history of panic attacks?” He asked, speaking slowly and gently, trying to calm himself down as well. If he was riled up, he would not be able to help Remus at all. “Remus, do you hear me?”
Remus was trying to focus on him, but was so lost in his mind. His anxiety was killing him, and he felt like he’d snapped. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Remus mumbled, feeling the tears well up in his eyes. No, he thought, please not now, not in front of Sirius.
“Do you have any medication?” Sirius asked, massaging Remus’ shoulders and using the same slow voice to calm him.
Remus was shaking his head, regaining his breath, “Shouldn’t have any… with beer…” he reminded Sirius, nodding to his empty can.
“Right,” Sirius mumbled. “Don’t worry, everything is all right, you’re not in any danger,” Sirius tried, doing his best to handle the situation. He had no idea if he was doing the right thing.
Remus laughed, catching his breath. “You’re wrong,” Remus mumbled, leaning his head back. “Nothing’s all right.”
“Remus, if you tell me what’s wrong, I can help,” Sirius ensured him, feeling pleased when Remus’ breath began to return to normal. “Just tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’m so sorry,” Remus said again, pushing Sirius away and breathing in once more, steadying his breath. “I shouldn’t be bothering you. It’s just that sometimes I feel like… like no one loves me, you know? And then there’s all of this pressure to find someone, but no one is looking for you, and it’s so… stressful. I just snapped, sorry you had to see that. I’m fine, promise.”
Sirius felt his heart drop. “But Remus, I love you,” he said softly, smiling. Then Remus’ eyes widened, and Sirius realized he did it again. He did something stupid. He ruined everything. “Wait, I mean… I didn’t mean—well, I did mean—I mean, uh,” Sirius was uttering absolute nonsense, fear encompassing all of him as Remus stared at him in what he perceived to be horror. “Shit,” Sirius finally said, backing away from Remus. Sirius didn’t want to leave him after an episode like that, but Remus had regained his composure, and Sirius was losing his. He barged out of the bathroom, leaving Remus behind and racing to find Lily, or James, or somebody.
Sirius ran blindly into both James and Lily, clinging to each other and smiling goofily. They let go of each other in surprise when they saw Sirius, jaws dropping. “Sirius, hey, we have something to tell you,” James began, approaching his friend. Something seemed off about Sirius.
“Yeah, yeah, that’s great,” Sirius said, congratulating his pal, “Sorry, I feel sick,” he continued, hobbling over to the nearest trashcan. “Could one of you guys drive Remus home
“Sirius, did something happen?” Lily asked, joining him next to the trash can. Sirius looked like he was going to say something, however whatever he planned to say was interrupted by the vomit welling up in his throat. Lily jumped out of the way when Sirius began coughing up his lunch, his skin turning a pale, almost greenish color.
“Padfoot!” James exclaimed, rushing over to his long time buddy. “Aw man, you really are feeling bad, aren’t you?” James asked, holding Sirius’ hair back as he continued to retch. “Lily, go get us some napkins, would you?” James asked, rubbing Sirius’ back. Lily ran off and returned in what felt like seconds with a big wad of paper towels.
“Here you go,” she said, handing some to James. Sirius had finished up, and James began to wipe the spit off of Sirius’ jacket. “Did you have anything to drink?” Lily asked. Sirius shook his head ‘no.’ Lily cast a worried glance at James, shrugging. “You’d better take the next few days of work off. Don’t come back until Monday at the earliest. I’ll take Remus home, don’t worry.” Sirius wanted to feel comforted, but he feared his next meeting with Remus.
“I’m going to go,” Sirius said, pushing himself up and grabbing some water to rinse the taste out of his mouth.
“You sure you’re good to drive?” James asked, willing to give Sirius a lift.
“Trust me, I’m fine,” Sirius replied, brushing his hair out of his eyes. “I’m fine,” He said once more, this time directed towards himself.
Remus emerged from the bathroom sometime later, when the party was finally wrapping up. Remus was confused, tipsy, and tired. Not a very good combination. “Hey Remus!” Lily called, rushing over to him, “Sirius left early, he was sick. Is everything alright? I’m really sorry about what I said Remus. Oh, I’m also giving you a ride home,” Lily said, her sentences running together into a confusing blob of something. Remus squinted.
“He said… he loved me,” Remus mumbled, clinging to Lily for support.
“Hmm, did you say something Remus?” She asked, turning towards the faint utterance. Remus shook his head ‘no,’ following Lily to her car. That night, Remus didn’t get any sleep. He was too busy mulling over the events of that evening. It had been a bit of a disaster, yes, but Sirius loved him. When Remus realized he wouldn’t be at work for the next few days, he felt a small piece of him die on the inside. He tried calling, texting, emailing; nothing worked when he tried to contact Sirius.
Remus sulked on his way to and from work, missing the other man and longing to talk to him about what happened. Monday came, and Remus entered the mall once more. Sirius was nowhere to be seen. “Have you heard from Sirius at all?” Remus asked James at breakfast. James tilted his head, trying to figure out if Remus was joking.
“What, you didn’t see him? He’s here today, working his shift as Santa.” James told him this warily, unsure if Sirius was trying to avoid Remus or not.
“Excuse me,” Remus said frantically, ditching his breakfast and practically running to the Santa booth. It wasn’t very busy in the morning, so there wasn’t much of a line. Remus peered in and saw Santa, and when he looked closer, he recognized Sirius’ eyes. Sirius noticed Remus too, because their eyes met and Sirius looked fearful. “Sirius!” Remus found himself calling, pushing through the short line of annoyed mothers and snotty children.
Sirius half stood up, unsure if he should flee. “Remus, if this is about the other night, I’m sorry,” Sirius said slowly, rising completely out of his chair and ready to run. After all, Remus wasn’t slowing down and was going to collide with him at any minute.
“You idiot, you’d better be sorry!” Remus laughed as he plunged into Sirius and knocked him back into his chair. Remus, yanked down Sirius’ wig and beard, causing a few children to gasp. Remus leaned down and placed a quick kiss on Sirius’ lips, bashfully pulling away as a bright red blush swelled through his cheeks, “I love you too!”
Sirius stared at him in shock for a second, looking quite hilarious with his wig and beard falling off while his fake blush was replaced with a real one. “Oh my gosh…” he mumbled, smiling to himself, then to Remus, “Oh my gosh! He loves me!” Sirius announced to everyone, lifting Remus up with him and capturing him in an embrace. “He loves me! And I love him…”
The two kissed once more, this one more passionate; all the while two bystanders, one with fiery red hair and the other with a messy black mop on his head, smiled at each other knowingly.