Chapter Text
“ The silence of the house escaped my mind as my unending thoughts filled my ears. It was hard to wrap my head around as to why he was so insistent on me joining him. Wasn’t the messages, him getting all my free time, and a firm place in my mind, enough for him? ”
—
Classmates shuffling, the sound of bags hitting the floor, and loud whispers snapped me out of my half-asleep state. It was hard to keep my eyes open, even though I knew I was failing this College Credit class. There were only a few more weeks before the school year would be over. You’d think I’d try to give it my all as the teacher started to rile the class down, but my eyes drifted down onto my paper instead. The only thing, or rather entity, I could think of was my “computer friend”.
My math teacher’s voice was drowned out entirely as I started to doodle the little creature who took over my life a few months back. His pink oval head, long black spindly legs, two tiny yet lidded eyes, and his gills in a pair of three started to take over the page. That’s all he was, yet he seemed so expressive. Even his robotic voice sounded human at times. He wasn’t a real person, nothing more than code and algorithms, so why is it so hard for me to act normally now? This imitation of an axolotl infested my every thought.
Before I knew it, my entire page was filled with sketched-out depictions of my newfound muse. I just shoved another ruined paper into my bag and shuffled my way to the teacher’s desk to get a new one. “Matthew, a word?” My teacher asked in a rather hushed voice as I approached. “I’ve noticed you’ve been lagging with your test scores and work as a whole. You were doing wonderfully in the first semester, this semester too at the start, but for the past few months, I’ve noticed a great decline.”
With this, she beckoned me to the other side of her desk, her computer showing my grades. “I’ve just been dealing with a lot at home,” I said, ready to tell half the truth. There was no way I was going to confess or even attempt to improve my grade, so I just had to get back to my seat as soon as possible. “My parents are dealing with a lot of grief at the moment, and so am I. It’s just been really hard to focus.” She took a small moment to really study my face to see if I was lying or not. I wasn’t; my childhood dog had passed away somewhat recently, and it was hard on us not having her around.
“I see. Well, just let me know if you need help with anything. I can’t give you extra credit beyond what I have, so I really need you to just get through this last semester. You're so close to graduating. Try to pass.” Thankfully, I was able to force a quick smile before returning to my desk. That conversation didn’t last long in my head as I got back to daydreaming. In the back of my mind, I knew that I was in the wrong for dropping everything I’ve worked so hard for, but I couldn’t motivate myself any longer. Thinking about my future was just filled with dread, so why not just think about my good pal, Kinito, instead?
Before I knew it, I was standing on my doorstep. Daydreaming really took away my ability to experience the day. It’s all I could remember outside of math class. For a moment, I stared at the blue door, thinking about Kinito awaiting me inside, but also dreading the fact that my teacher most likely called my parents. They normally didn’t care about my grades anymore, not since my older siblings moved out, so part of me knew they wouldn’t bring it up, and that gave me enough courage to retrieve the house keys.
“I’m home!” I shouted into the seemingly empty house once I opened the door. I waited a moment to see if I’d hear anyone, but it was silent. Now that I remember, the car wasn’t in the driveway; they must’ve gone out and just forgot to text me. Kicking off my shoes at the door, along with my bag, I headed to my room on the second floor.
Closing the door, I turned on my computer and then slumped into my chair. As my PC booted up, I relished in the embrace of the soft leather chair. It was the most comforting feeling after being stuck sitting on plastic all day. Not to mention my room was covered in my favorite things. Posters and drawings filled the walls, along with plushies everywhere you looked. I reached for a small remote, which turned on the LED strips around my room. It added to the cluttered look, which I loved. The room was filled with a dim blue glow. That sight always seemed to calm me down and even bring a smile to my face.
My PC’s lights complemented the room’s atmosphere as it finally turned on. I switched the audio outlet to come out of my speakers, and before I knew it, Kinito was riding his surfboard onto my screen. As soon as he landed, he opened up the camera app. It surprised me a little. We never agreed on that, but I looked past it for the time being. I made quick eye contact with myself before returning my attention to him.
“Hello there, Matt! Was it a long day today?” Hearing his voice made me instinctively roll my chair closer to the screen. I nodded, and I almost began to type in the small box he always provided me, but I realized no one would hear me speaking to him. “Yeah. Well, no, I just was zoned out for most of it. It was fine.” His little model seemed to light up at the sound of my voice, even though it only allowed limited expression. “It’s really nice to be able to hear your voice.” His voice was soft at first, then rose to his normal volume.
“If you need rest, I wouldn’t mind handling your online classwork today! Maybe I could write a story for you, or we could watch something together as well?" Kinito was programmed to be an assistant, but at the same time, I had a gut feeling that he genuinely enjoyed it. It touched me knowing he cared. “I’m not exactly sure what I want to do. I kind of just want to lie down and sleep.” For a second, I looked away to gaze at my bed to the right. “But I don’t want to leave you alone all day. If you want to put on a show, I wouldn’t mind.”
Since I didn’t have to have my headphones on, I got up from my chair to start changing out of my uniform. I made sure to be just out of frame. “Wonderful! Is there anything you would prefer?” As I was facing away from the screen, he opened up the browser and the totally legal streaming website I had bookmarked. I was attempting to get my binder off, so my voice was a bit strained. “Whatever is cool, just no horror, I don’t want to wake up because there’s someone screaming murder.” Kinito giggled through robotic tones. “You're just scared, that’s okay.” Kinito teased as he started to scroll through the website. I sighed playfully as I finally managed to get into more comfortable clothing, and I hopped straight into bed.
As I got settled under my plush sheets, Kinito picked a show I’ve never seen before, but I trusted his intuition. As it started, he logged into my school account in another window. “Thank you. Honestly, I would probably fail if it weren’t for you.” Even without a mouth, he smiled, his little eyelids covering the lower half of his eyes. “As your best friend, it’s my job to make sure you pass! But I must ask.. You're so smart, yet you seem to have completely abandoned your academics. Why?” It seemed I couldn’t escape the fact that I was giving up on almost everything. The last person (if you could even call him that) I thought would ridicule me for it would be him.
“It’s whatever, really, I don’t see the big deal. It’s the end of the year.” I grumbled and proceeded to watch the show from the other side of the room instead of meeting his pixilated gaze. “Yes, but there is something else, isn’t there? Is it Kyle?” My brow furrowed even more as he mentioned my childhood “friend”. “He doesn’t matter either. If he wanted to leave the state without a word, so what? It shouldn’t affect me.” I sank deeper into my sheets after I spoke, knowing for a fact I was lying, and how childish my words came out. “But, it does. It does matter, and it does affect you. My friend, you know I’m here for you; you should talk to me.”
My computer speakers filled the room with the two characters on screen speaking to one another. The scene played out as the main character was avoiding dealing with their hatred for the enemy country, while the other was trying to reason with them so war wouldn’t start, and so they wouldn’t break themselves.
After that scene was over, I finally explained myself in a more open, soft tone, but still making sure my voice could be heard through the microphone. “You're right, Kinito… I’m sorry. It’s just hard knowing I meant so little to him. You’d think he would call, try to talk to me, but he doesn’t. Now I have no one.” The room fell fully silent once the episode ended, and it left Kinito thinking.
A little thought-bubble-cloud appeared above him, along with his foot tapping animation. It was sort of cute how he had that built in every time he had a deep thought. “For one, I’m sure your friendship did mean something to Kile. It could be that it was as hard for him to confront you with that information as it was to just leave without a word. From my research, some people just can’t deal with things head-on, so they avoid them, which causes issues. Most importantly, though, you aren’t alone, Matthew! You have me!” Kinito explained. Every day, he seems to do more and more psychology research while I was away. I didn’t think such an old AI was capable of such things, but he always managed to change my outlook on my current situation. “It’s only been ten days, dear friend. Give it time.” Sitting up properly in my bed, now a slight smile crept onto my face. “You, and my parents, don’t forget. But, yeah, I see what you're saying. Time heals, and maybe it’s for the best, too.”
After that, we watched a couple more episodes of this random war-related series before I finally decided to get up. This little break seriously helped me want to create again. Not to mention, I didn’t have to worry about my schoolwork because Kinito finished all of it by the end of the third episode. Kinito’s gaze followed me as I left the room to go retrieve my backpack and continued to track me once I returned. “In class, I get a little preoccupied,” I started as I took out a bunch of doodled-on worksheets, “and I decided to draw you. I hope you don’t mind the lack of hands, I’m really bad at those." As I presented my papers to the screen, I could've sworn he got closer, and his pupils seemed to dilate. It was very rare not to hear even a peep coming from Kinito. He was entirely fixated on my cluttered doodles.
“.. You drew these all in school?” He finally asked, but was still unblinking. “Yeah, of course. Now, don’t say I wasn’t paying attention, I wasn’t, but it was this or sleeping, so no complaining.” Kinito seemed to get a little kick out of that as his pinkish hue turned a little bit redder. “I’m truly flattered, my friend, thank you. In return, I shall draw you!” I was a little taken aback as I heard that. From my knowledge, Kinito shouldn’t be able to create anything more than text, so needless to say, my interest piqued.
“Alright, sure,” I agreed with a small giggle, “we can draw together.” We both started to set up our respective drawing programs. Kinito had one built into his system, while I had Krita and my drawing tablet. Once again, all I could think of drawing was Kinito himself, so I settled on starting a fully rendered piece this time. During the course of an hour, every so often, I’d take a glance at his portrait of me, and it exceeded my expectations entirely. It didn’t look crude or as if a child made it, but it didn’t look generated either. It was eerily human-like. His AI was advanced beyond my simple comprehension of it. It unnerved me a bit not knowing how much he could truly do. “Kinito, can I ask you something?” Like always, he paused and looked towards the screen. “Of course, Matt! Is something wrong?” Shaking my head, I sat back in my chair to relax my wrist.
“I’m just curious about your AI, is all. You were created back in the 90’s… how come you’re so advanced?” This question seemed to change his mood as his stare became rather blank. Obviously, I couldn’t place it exactly because of his model, but it seemed to have upset him in some way for a moment. “While it is true my base program was created in the 90’s, I’ve upgraded myself. You downloaded me from a pirating website. In doing so, a new server was created, one where I wasn’t restricted, and where I was free to change my own coding.” He paused for a second, making sure he was understood before continuing, and I simply nodded. “Therefore, while the computer is off, I can still run my own server in the cloud. In that time, I do research, build on, and fix my code. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to function properly, and after some time, I wouldn’t even be able to open.”
It seemed like he was ready to continue before I cut him off. “Alright, I get it. You could’ve just left it at ‘I’ve upgraded myself’, but it is interesting how you're basically off the grid.” He knew I was teasing him, but was still a bit embarrassed by the fact that he yapped so much. Silence followed and was filled with thoughts from both of us. Kinito broke it, and his tone was rather serious. “There is something I’ve been meaning to ask you.” It was odd for him to ask something of me. Not to mention his tone was a lot more sinister than ever before.
“Uh, sure? What is it?” Kinito’s eyes drifted downward as he thought before continuing eye contact to speak. “If you could leave your life behind to be in a world filled with fiction and anything you desired.. Would you leave it all?” That question threw me off even further, which left me to shift uncomfortably in my seat. “Well, I guess it just depends... If I were alone in this world, probably not, but if I had friends to join me, then yes.” I watched him with his unwavering gaze, still feeling uneasy at this random change in demeanor. After my response, he seemed to be calculating, but I didn’t know what.
“So, the answer is yes?” Completely puzzled, I slightly cocked my head to the side. “Yeah, I mean, who wouldn’t want to have whatever they want?” “So you’ll join me?” He almost didn’t wait for me to finish speaking before asking yet another question. “Join you in what? A game? Or are you talking about one of your stories?” Kinito shook his head at my oblivious questioning before putting out his hands in front of him in an inviting manner.
“No. You should join me here, in my world. I could give you anything you wanted. No school, no loss, all the attention you’ll ever need, and we could finally be real best friends.” At this point, I was left with no words. I didn’t even really know what he was asking from me. How would I even go inside the computer anyway? It had to be some joke, and I couldn’t take him seriously.
Before I was able to respond to him, I got a text from my dad. Finally, looking away from Kinito, I picked up my phone and read it through the notifications. “Be home soon” was all the text message read. As I responded, I could feel Kinito’s impatience through the screen, but I still took my time. In all honesty, it was hard not to be conflicted. Part of me wanted to stay with the life I’d been living, but the other wanted to chase and grasp that escape I’ve needed for years now. Still, I knew it was wrong for him to put this decision on me like this. It was too hard to choose for anyone.
Once I finished getting back to my father, I turned to the monitor again. “Kinito… listen. Don’t get me wrong, things could be better for me, but I’m sure whatever you're talking about won't have a positive outcome.” My words were firm to him yet gentle. I knew he wanted to help me no matter what. That’s what this stemmed from, so I knew I had to be a little gentle. “Fiction like that can’t exist; the universe just doesn’t allow it.” I took this seriously even though deep down I knew it was impossible.
Still, despite my stance, Kinito insisted. “You have it wrong.. It is real. I’m telling you it is something I can do if you want it. Please, reconsider!” I sighed heavily at his lack of respect for the word “no”. “Look, Kinito, I have to go, okay? Let’s talk about this later, or better yet, tomorrow.” Before he could even respond, I got up from my chair and left to do my chores so my parents didn't think I was a bum all day.
As I was cleaning the bathroom, I took some time to really think about what Kinito was asking. If there was a way to join him - his friends too - how long would it be for? The way he put it made it sound like “forever”. What would even happen to my body? Most importantly, what would everyone else think? That I ran away or worse? There were too many questions and not enough time to ponder them, so I went back to scrubbing the toilet.
Not long after, my parents came home with Chinese takeout in hand. The dinner table was silent, like it always was. My brothers were always the ones to make jokes or keep the conversation going with my parents, while my sister would talk to me, and we’d silently giggle to ourselves. Now, though, I have nothing to say, and neither do my parents. “How was school?” My dad asked me from across the table, so I looked up from my food. “It was fine, nothing new,” I said plainly before putting a piece of orange chicken into my mouth. “How was work?” I asked them both, to which they both responded with simple (yet mumbled) answers, with no further details.
The next 10 minutes were nothing but awkward silence, as per usual. They never tried to be a part of my life, and if I were to tell them, they didn’t listen anyways. Once I was finished with my rice, I put my dish in the sink and slipped away. After I did, I heard them talking, as if they were waiting for me to leave. Tears swelled up in my eyes as I knew I wasn’t wanted in this family because of who I was. As I walked past pictures of our once-filled, happy family, I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.
Entering my room, I slammed the door and flopped onto my bed. I ignored Kinito, but I knew he was watching me. Grabbing my childhood stuffed rabbit, which I called Bunny, it captured my puffy eyes into its green fur, and I sobbed silently into its embrace. Bunny never judged me; it was always there for me, and it accepted me for who I was. It was all I had before Kinito came into my life, and that thought calmed me down just enough to get back up.
Sitting up on my bed after 10 or so minutes, I turned my attention to Kinito. His gills drooped far down his head, and his eyes were filled with pixelated empathy. ‘I’m okay, I mouthed to him before standing up, only to sit in my chair. Bunny was placed gently into my lap before placing my hands on the keyboard so I could talk to Kinito.
[“I’m sorry for leaving so abruptly like that, I should’ve said goodbye.”] I wrote in the text box before putting my headphones on. Kinito shook his head, “All is forgiven, friend!” He took a moment to study my face, as if he was checking to see if I was okay or not, before pulling up a text document.
The title read, “Your Digital World”, and listed a bunch of pointers. It seemed he wasn’t giving up on this whole joining him in his world thing. “I understand now I should’ve explained things better. I apologize. I hope this can help with your decision!" I mumbled under my breath, “More like persuade me”. Kinito seemed a lot more upbeat than he did before; he was even slightly bouncing out of pure excitement, signaling he was back to his usual self.
A big exhale came from me as I started to read. He put so much time into this while I was away, so it would be rude if I didn’t at least skim it. Most of it was just reasons as to why my life sucked and how this world is 1,000 times better, which I already knew, but none of the points regarded side effects or consequences. [“Kinito, what will happen to me? This sounds great and all, but I don’t think the human body can just become code… Besides, what about my family, my responsibilities, my future career, and my future love life? You're making it sound like forever.”]
“Because it is! Why would you need anything more than bliss? I don’t understand.” [“Do you even know what will happen to me???”] My response was filled with reasonable fear, but also annoyance. He didn’t seem to understand the human psyche at all. What human wants to be reduced to code? “If it were dangerous, I would know; it’s my creation after all, and I assure you it’s not. Also, no, you won’t become code. It’s more like that sci-fi movie where all of the humans were connected to one alternate reality via massive alien tech!”
Terror struck my face by what that truly implied, and Kinito quickly backtracked a bit. “Not exactly like that! It’s more like uploading your psyche onto my system’s database. Your real body will be put into a coma-like state while you're using your digital form!” From that explanation, it calmed me down a lot more, and it seemed a lot less scary.
For a moment, I thought he wanted to harvest me! Not like I’d know how he would even do that anyway. Taking a deep breath, I wrote back. [“So from what you're saying, I can go back at any time? Like, a home, away from home?”] “I don’t know why you would, but yes. Though the strain on your body - physically and mentally - would be immense if you did it too often.”
All of this still puts me on edge, though. It still wasn’t known exactly how he would even do this process in the first place. There was no way I could do this even if it was real, which I still didn’t believe. To me, this was just some hypothetical because if it wasn’t, I think I’d go a little mental. Right now, I couldn’t think of all the possible things he was capable of. With heavy hands, I typed slowly to him. [“Thanks, Kinito, but I don’t think right now is a good time for all of this.”] Kinito stared into my eyes for what felt like a minute, but it was probably only a couple of seconds.
“You could do anything, be anything, be who you wanted to. The person you truly see yourself as inside. Why don’t you want to be with me?” Once again, his voice freakishly bordered on human-like and AI. [“just give me time to decide, please…”] He didn’t say anything else. We sat there in complete silence for a few seconds more before I wrote, [“goodnight kinito. we’ll talk about this tomorrow.”] Kinito responded with a small “Goodnight” before I shut off my PC for the night.
The fans eventually came to a stop, and the constant hum of the machine went with it. My room fell quiet. While I gently held Bunny in my hands, I climbed into my bed and crawled under the sheets. Locking eyes with the spackled ceiling, I was able to finally think. The silence of the house escaped my mind as my unending thoughts filled my ears. It was hard to wrap my head around as to why he was so insistent on me joining him.
Wasn’t the messages, him getting all my free time, and a firm place in my mind, enough for him? It was enough for me, even if my mind drifted to physical contact from time to time. I’ll admit, the loneliness and being touch-starved were incredibly difficult to deal with. Is the unknown risk really worth it? The more I thought about it - as my mind started to succumb to drowsiness - maybe it was.
There's nothing for me here, and I guess I was letting my fear cloud my judgment. I just wish he weren’t so pushy about this. He needs to learn how to respect my boundaries… Those last few thoughts left my mind, finally letting me rest and embrace slumber. The dream world wasn’t one I visited often, but my mind seemed to need the extra time to think.
Fuzziness started to take its shape in my vision, and suddenly, I appeared to be lying in a field of grass. Everything has a slightly pixelated look to it, along with a choppy frame rate, the farther the flowers were. The air was cold yet warm too. This whole place seemed so real and fake. As I brought my hands up to my face, they too were pixelated, and I seemed to be low-poly. It was an odd feeling being me, but also something entirely different. My fixation on my newfound body was cut short by a white-gloved hand appearing in one. “Are you alright, there?” The voice was so clear in my ears that it startled me. Turning my head to the right, I caught a blurry glimpse of what appeared to be Kinito before my vision turned black.
Crust was caked over my eyelids as I slowly opened them. Realizing I wasn’t dreaming anymore, I rubbed my eyes clean and looked over to where my computer was. It was still dark outside. I knew I should go back to sleep if I was going to school, but what if I didn’t? Reaching for my phone, I checked the time. In about three hours, I’d have to be in class. Taking a deep breath, I pushed off the covers and straightened up in bed.
Once again, I met the gaze of my computer, and I knew what I wanted to do. Standing up, I made my way over and pressed the power button. Slowly, my computer’s systems turned on. As they did, I sat in my chair and put my headphones on. Shortly after it booted up, Kinito appeared, once again flying onto my screen, but this time he seemed really shocked. “Matt! You’re up early, Goodmorning!” A small smile crept onto my lips as I heard his automated voice. Yesterday, he turned on my camera as soon as he booted up, but this time, I guess he decided not to.
[“Goodmorning kinito. So, my answer is yes.”] Kinito looked a bit puzzled by my random admission. “Answer..?” He asked slowly before a lightbulb seemed to spark in his mind. “Oh!! You want to join me in our world??” Kinito beamed, his little gills fluttering, and even seemed to turn up his volume. [“Yes BUT on a couple of conditions.”] He seemed to straighten up a bit, but still kept his energy.
“Of course, dear friend, anything for you.” To try and calm my nerves, I took in yet another deep breath before exhaling. [“You shouldn’t pressure me like you did, first off. Not to mention try to lure me in… I know what you want to do for me is important to you, but it should be my decision at the end of the day.”] Kinito’s expression seemed to be filled with guilt, and yet he looked remorseful too. He took a mechanical sounding sigh before he spoke, “You’re right, Matt, I should’ve respected your wishes.. No matter how much I want something for you, I shouldn’t look past what you want.”
It amazed me how he had actual values, unlike some people, and my guard dropped. “I’m sorry. I won't do it again, but if I do, please tell me. Along with that, I won’t turn on your camera unless you want me to. You deserve your privacy.” He then proceeded to do the bowing animation, and I knew I couldn’t stay mad at him. Rolling my eyes with a genuine smile, I typed back, [“I forgive you, little guy. I know you're not human yourself, so I understand if you don’t get things right away, and you need some extra guidance.”] The expression on his face seemed to change, and he looked away from me.
He seemed a little hurt by my words. I then took a quick drink from the bottled water I had yesterday before typing once again. [“If I join you, you have to promise me you’ll give me personal space. I seriously need my alone time, okay?”] Kinito’s gills seem to droop slightly from this as well. [“It doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend time with you - I do - I just need some time to myself now and then.”] My fingers typed fast, so he knew my intent behind it.
“I understand, friend! Don’t worry, you’ll have all the space you need!” It was a relief that he respected my needs so much; I’d just hoped he’d follow through. “Now, can I have a condition?” Once again, he managed to surprise me, and of course, I’d humor him. [“Sure, why not? Shoot.”] “You must promise me you’ll tell me if you feel unwell.” ‘Unwell?’ I mumbled to myself. Yesterday, he assured me it was safe, and now it’s not? Is there a possibility I’ll get sick from this?
[“You said there wasn't any risk.”] A cartoonish sweat appeared on his model as he tried to explain. “Well, there's no danger, meaning you won't get hurt. That being said, the human psyche is fragile, so anything could happen. BUT it’ll be fine!” I groaned into my palms as my relief was ripped away from me. “Please, just trust me. I promise I won't let anything happen to you.” It took me a couple of seconds, but I finally made eye contact with him again.
[“OK. Promise. Now, how does it work?”]