Chapter Text
Phil shot up, hands sweaty and his whole body trembling. He had a sickening feeling that he did something inherently wrong, or just flat out stupid. He did stupid things often, but nothing that made him feel sick to his stomach.
He tried to remember what he did, but he couldn’t. He was at Teddy’s yesterday evening, for some Passover dinner his family hosted- and thats what he did wrong.
He was at Teddy’s fucking house last night. Phil’s eyes widened.
"Shit, no no no no no!" He muttered, scrambling out of bed and running towards his bedroom door before remembering he should probably put some pants on before leaving the house.
He wasn’t allowed to be inside Teddy’s house. He was terrified for his best friend’s sake- what if his father had banned him from seeing Phil? Or worse, they had hit him, or something?
He felt horrible. His mind was spiralling. He promised to himself a while ago that he would never, ever, go inside Teddy’s house through the front door. He always snuck in though the bedroom window, or waited for Teddy’s parents to not he home. Phil hated that he got caught in the heat of the moment, and accepted the invite by Teddy’s uncle to join their celebration. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Phil shot down the stairs, quickly sliding into the kitchen.
"Phil! You’re awake! Come, eat-" Phil’s mom began.
"Not right now, Mom! I’ve got something important!" Phil quickly grabbed his jacket, sliding his arms into the sleeves before grabbing his shoes.
Susie rolled her eyes. "What could be so important on a Saturday morning."
"Do you need to know, Susie?"
"Kids, stop bickering. Phil, you can leave, but make sure you eat, where ever you’re going." Phil’s mother sternly said. "Understood?"
Phil nodded, heading out the door. "Yes! Bye Mom, bye Suz!"
.𖥔 ݁ ˖🛸── .✦
He hardly remembered the way to Teddy’s, but somehow he found himself stopping in front of it, getting off his bike and hurrying towards the back.
Phil knew the way the Teddy’s room. He’d snuck in countless times before.
When Phil stood in the yard, looking up the window, he took a deep breath. He picked up a small pebble from the grass, angling it towards Teddy’s window. He had to be weary of his shot, because if he angled it too far to the left, it would hit Donald’s window.
Phil hesitated. What if Teddy was already in trouble, and he was punished? What if he was outside the house? He shuddered. If he didn’t take a chance now, he might never have one again.
He breathed again, feeling his chest heave. He took his chance, and threw a pebble towards the bedroom window. He waited for what seemed like an hour.
Teddy’s face popped into view. His eyes widened, and he looked behind him. Teddy opened the window, mouthing something. Phil understood what that meant- 'Hurry, before someone sees you.'.
Phil climbed the house, grabbing the rope Teddy threw out his window. Slowly but surely, he made his way up. Closing the window behind him, he grabbed Teddy’s wrist.
"Teddy, i’m so sorry! I know i’m not allowed in your house, and i came in anyways! But your uncles and stuff were so nice- and I know they aren’t your parents so they technically don’t decide if i’m allowed here or not- and I had fun! Sincerely!" Phil rambled. He looked down, taking yet another deep breath. "I’m sorry!"
"Phil…" Teddy’s soft voice drew Phil’s gaze back to his face. "Nothing major happened to me. I’m only grounded for two weeks."
Phil’s brows furrowed.
"How is that minor?!"
"Shh, keep your voice down! If my dad sees that you’re here, i’ll be in even more trouble! I’m lucky my uncle Levi convinced my dad to only give me two weeks…" Teddy sighed.
"But this is stupid! You didn’t do anything! I only came over!" Phil argued, keeping his voice hushed.
"You don’t think I know that? Anything and everything I do is wrong! If I don’t want to become a reflection of himself, I get punished! Alright? I know, and there isn’t anything i can do about it!" Teddy shot back, tears forming in his eyes.
Phil’s gaze flickered to Teddy’s lips. They were redder than usual, trembling and cracked. Phil wondered what they would feel like on his, and maybe he thought too hard about that, because soon enough his hand was on Teddy’s face, his thumb brushing the other’s cheek. Phil leaned down, pressing his own pinkish lips to Teddy’s.
Something erupted. For a second, two maybe, Teddy stood still. But soon enough, he kissed back. Phil felt his other hand reach for Teddy’s face, holding his face still. Teddy’s hand went for Phil’s neck, pulling him closer.
They stayed like this for a couple minutes, before Teddy came to his senses and pulled back, a look of horror on his face. He removed his hand from Phil’s neck, lips still red and swollen.
Phil took a step back. What had he done? Had he single handedly ruined the one thing that anchored him to reality? That kept him sane? That really made life worth living for, and not just a bleak repetition of void?
His back hit the cold wall. Teddy’s eyes were bearing holes into his own, shakily bringing his hand to his lips.
"What have you done?" Teddy’s voice tore through the silence, shattering glass that pierced Phil’s body, hitting him everywhere. He felt dirty, he felt disgusting. He could already sense Teddy’s disgust. How idiotic of him to actually think Teddy was like him. He knew he should have kept these thoughts to himself, holding them close to his heart and locking them tight.
He was stupid. He shouldn’t have done anything. He ruined everything. "I… I don’t- I’m sorry-" Phil stumbled over his words. He was never one to do so.
"Leave. Now." Teddy’s voice was stern, cold and eerily resembled his father’s own voice.
Phil wasted no time. He opened the window, leaving as fast as he could- which wasn’t quick, thanks to that stupid fucking rope.
He ran to his bike, tears brimming his eyes. If anyone saw him like this, he would be humiliated. Boys don’t cry, much less about other boys.
.𖥔 ݁ ˖🛸── .✦
The ride home was a blur. Phil stumbled into his house, holding in his tears, His mom asked him if he was okay, and he just nodded and hurried to his bedroom.
He shut the door behind him, and as soon has he heard the comforting click, he crumbled to the floor. He pressed his palms to his eyes. Blue shapes formed, eerily similar to Teddy’s face. Tears ran down his cheeks. He hated what he had done. Fuck it, he hated himself.
Why couldn’t he be like everyone else? He didn’t want to be different. It was already hard being weird at school, being outcasted and teased regularly. Now that Teddy knew his secret, his filthy, dirty, disgusting, rotten secret, his life would he ruined. Bricks would be thrown at him. His family would suffer from weird looks, all because of him. Suzie would be bullied at school, because if her brother was a fag then she would be too.
Phil rest his head against his bed. How could the best thing of his life be the worst?
Someone knocked at Phil’s door. "Phil, can I come in? It’s Susie. I drew you something while you were gone!"
Phil wiped his tears away, straightening up and sitting ay his desk. "Yeah, sure."
Susie slowly opened the door, peering inside. She clutched a sheet of paper, crinkling it’s sides.
"I made this for you when you were gone," Susie shoved the paper into Phil’s hands. "I hope you like it."
Susie’s hands fidgeted with the hem of her skirt, a painful reminder of Teddy. Phil winced.
Looking at the drawing, he saw himself and his sister. He was pointing at the sky,and Susie seemingly had her tongue out, scribbling something in what looked like a book. It smelled like wax crayons, bringing Phil comfort. His eyes filled with tears again.
"Oh Suz, this is great." Phil hugged Susie tightly, burying his head into her hair.
Susie hugged back. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," Phil sighed. He didn’t want to explain anything, much less to an eight year old. "Things happen. It doesn’t matter now."
"Okay, I think I need to go now, i’m supposed to go to Debbie’s house." Susie reluctantly mumbled. It sounded like she didn’t want to go.
Phil let go of his sister. "Alright. Have fun."
.𖥔 ݁ ˖🛸── .✦
Once Susie left, Phil stood up to go hang the drawing on his wall.
Almost fully covered with Phil’s own sketches and comic, sci-fi and action posters, it was hard to find a blank spot for the new drawing.
He found a small spot, between a plane sketch and photobooth pictures of him and Teddy. He pinned the drawing to the wall, and stood in front of it for a while. He was staring at the pictures.
He studied Teddy’s face, finding his familiar features. The droopy eyes and lopsided smile, pouted lips - lips that he has kissed. He shook his head. He should forget about that.
Teddy would probably never talk to him again. He hated the idea of loosing the person he loved the most, but he knew it would happen eventually. He didn’t think it would be so soon.
Pinching the bridge of his nose, he collapsed on his bed. Phil stared at the white celling. What was he to do now? Ignore Teddy aswell? He knew it wasn’t possible. He could never ignore Teddy?