Chapter Text
Day 100.
Your name is DAVE STRIDER. It’s officially been just over 3 months (and a quarter, roughly) of floating through the endless confines of space. You are, predictably, bored as fuck. That’s all you ever seem to be as of late. Your built-in clock is telling you it’s half past 8 pm if you were still on Earth. Not like that really matters, considering Earth has long blown the fuck up. But you guess counting the time doesn’t matter either. Not when every second is starting to blend into the next.
You go down your mental checklist of potential time wasters. It’s about time for the Mayor to start getting ready for bed, so he’s out. You’ve given up on avoiding Rose, but you’d rather not go out of your way to talk to her for a while. You’re not really pissed off at her anymore, and she’s (mostly) laid off the armchair OCD diagnosis, but it’s still the occasional topic of Strilondian debate. You vaguely consider Kanaya before crossing her off. She’s a surprisingly good conversation partner for short bursts, but after a while Rose comes up and you’d prefer to avoid that conversation.
You already know Terezi and Vriska are together doing god knows what, and you have no desire to third wheel on that clusterfuck of a.. Whatever those ladies got goin’ on. For two people who insist they aren’t troll equivalently dating, they sure act real gay. But to you, all the trolls you got stuck with are pretty gay.
Going down your mental checklist was redundant, because you already knew who you would end up fucking around with: Karkat, obviously. One thing you’ve learned during your time on the meteor is that Karkat is tolerable. Like, incredibly so. And really fucking funny, for some reason. Color you shocked, because your first impression of the guy was not a great one.
You’re already on your way to his room, or- His respiteblock, if you’re feelin’ woke enough to use the troll vernacular. But honestly, you think that’s real fucking lame, so you’re gonna stick to room for right now. But you don’t actually make it to Karkat’s room, because when you walk into the living room, you see him snug as a damn bug settled on the couch. You might as well roll him up in a fucking rug.
DAVE: sup dude
DAVE: what are ya doing
DAVE: can i tag along im real fuckin bored
KARKAT: WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M DOING?
KARKAT: I’M WATCHING A MOVIE, JACKASS.
KARKAT: A MOVIE I KNOW YOU’D HAVE NO INTEREST IN VIEWING.
KARKAT: I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO HEAR THE RIVETING DIALOGUE OF TROLL ADAM SANDLER TRYING TO COURT TROLL DREW BARRYMORE OVER YOUR FUCKING-
DAVE: oh my god
DAVE: youre watching troll 50 first dates
DAVE: dude you have to let me watch with you please
DAVE: im literally beggin you man
DAVE: when have you ever heard dave strider beg
KARKAT: WHY IS IT TROLL 50 FIRST DATES? WHY CAN’T IT BE ‘HUMAN IN WHICH A DISTRESSINGLY OPTIMISTIC LOWBLOODED FOOL ENGAGES IN THE SISYPHEAN TASK OF-’
DAVE: okay buddy im gonna stop you right there
DAVE: not that i dont absolutely love those long and intensely convoluted troll titles
DAVE: seriously cant you see the enthusiasm pouring out of me
You stare at him, blankfaced. You’re a little less blank faced when you see the way his face scrunches up in annoyance. It’s so goddamn easy to rile him up, it’s almost not even fun. Almost. He doesn’t dignify your goading with a response, sadly, and you’re forced to circle back and retrace your conversation in your head.
DAVE: wait
DAVE: you guys have sisyphus?
Karkat rolls his eyes.
KARKAT: ARE YOU GONNA WATCH OR NOT?
Oh. Fuck. Yes. You sit your ass down on the couch next to Karkat in record time, watching him take his laptop and rewind the movie to the very start.
KARKAT: YOU’RE LUCKY I WASN’T VERY FAR.
DAVE: dont worry i doubt i wouldve missed much
DAVE: i mean seriously how different can it be from the original
DAVE: i mean i guess this is the og huh
...
As it turns out, it’s a lot fucking different. The basic premise is the same, mostly. Troll Adam Sandler runs into Troll Drew Barrymore at a cafe, and they hit it off. At least, Karkat is insisting they do. It’s hard to tell, based on all the screaming and trying to one up each other with increasingly violent insults they’re hurling at each other.
DAVE: uh
DAVE: this doesnt exactly scream ‘pinnacle of romance’ to me dude
DAVE: kind of seems like theyre trying to tear each others throats out
KARKAT: YEAH, THAT’S KIND OF THE POINT DIPSHIT!
KARKAT: HENRYE WALKS UP TO LUUSCI AND APPROACHES HER WITH RED SOCILITATIONS, BUT BECAUSE HE’S RUSTBLOODED, SHE OBVIOUSLY ISN’T INTERESTED. SO THE INTERACTION TURNS BLACK.
DAVE: ok man im gonna be real with you
DAVE: i dont understand a single fuckin word that just flew out of your chapped ass lips
DAVE: seriously karkat get some damn chapstick that shit looks painful
DAVE: anyways
DAVE: i know yall got different blood colors and shit but like
DAVE: why is that bad
DAVE: are rustbloods bad or some shit or is she just being like
DAVE: troll phobic
He reaches over and pauses the movie, eye twitching with poorly concealed rage. Oh yes. You’re about to get the Karkat meltdown of a lifetime.
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOG.
KARKAT: ARE YOU BEING WILLFULLY IGNORANT JUST TO PISS ME OFF, OR ARE YOU SERIOUSLY THIS FUCKING DAFT?
KARKAT: ROSE IS NOT THIS STUPID. YOU’VE SPENT HOW LONG WITH US, AND YOU DON’T KNOW THE CASTE SYSTEM?
Okay. To be honest, you kind of are being a daft fuck just to get his goat. You get the blood shit to some extent, but for the most part you don’t really care. But ya like listenin to Karkat’s outbursts. Hearing him squawk his head off about something (bonus points if it’s something you did) is quickly becoming one of your top ways to pass time.
Huh. Now that you think about it, you kind of spend a lot of time with the guy. You guess that doesn’t mean much on account of y’all being trapped on a floating rock in space. Your options for companionship are pretty limited. But there are worse friends to have. You could be shootin’ the shit with Gamzee right now, so.
DAVE: i know you guys wear your blood color on your shirts
DAVE: and im p sure youre low on it
DAVE: i know vriskas gotta be pretty high or else she would not be that fuckin egotistical damn
DAVE: rezi and kan are probs somewhere around the middle if i had to guess
KARKAT: CLOSE ENOUGH.
KARKAT: THERE’S 11 DIFFERENT BLOODTYPES ON ALTERNIA, AND YOUR RANK IS BASED ON THE HUE OF YOUR BLOOD.
KARKAT: FROM LOWEST TO HIGHEST, IT’S: RUST, BRONZE, GOLD, OLIVE, JADE, TEAL, BLUE, INDIGO, PURPLE, VIOLET, AND FUSCHIA.
KARKAT: KANAYA IS JADEBLOODED, TEREZI IS TEALBLOODED. VRISKA IS BLUE.
DAVE: damn
DAVE: yeah i got that shit spot on
DAVE: see i know more than i let on karkat
DAVE: so which are you you just wear grey
DAVE: man youre boring
You watch a quick flash of fear glaze over his eyes, before Karkat swiftly blinks it away and glares at you, pissed off as ever. He’s tugging on the sleeve of his sweater and he looks like a kicked puppy. Damn. Guess you hit a sore spot.
DAVE: sorry you dont have to talk about it man
DAVE: a lady never bleeds and tells
Karkat sneers at you and just sighs.
KARKAT: I’M NOT ON THE CASTE SYSTEM!!!
KARKAT: I’M A MUTANTBLOODED FREAK. I BLEED CANDY FUCKING RED.
KARKAT: THAT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER ANYMORE, SO IT’S NOT LIKE A GIVE A SINGLE FLYING FUCK.
KARKAT: BUT ON ALTERNIA THAT SHIT WOULD’VE GOTTEN ME CULLED ON SIGHT, SO. I CAN’T EXACTLY WEAR IT ON MY SLEEVES, DAVE.
Oh. Damn. You feel like an asshole. Probably cuz you were kind of being one. You don’t exactly understand, seeing as you didn’t grow up on a tyrannical genocidal freak of a planet, but. Your heart squeezes in your chest with sympathy.
DAVE: shit man
DAVE: yeah that sucks you really got me beat im sorry dude
DAVE: didnt mean to remind you that youre a freak of nature but
DAVE: you do know none of that shit seriously matters right
DAVE: no one here thinks less of you for that
DAVE: shit i mean me and rose got red blood too that shits normal on earth
DAVE: yknow if earth didnt up and get hit by a gigantic fuckin meteor youd fit right in
DAVE: minus the grey skin and horns and such
A laugh forces its way out of Karkat in what looks to be completely involuntarily. He looks dumbfounded that you just made him laugh his ass off. He’s clearly amused by your shithead antics at least a little bit, otherwise you guys wouldn’t be flockin together all the time, but you’ve never really made him laugh before. At least, not so hard.
It totally goes to your ego, and Karkat knows it does too.
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
KARKAT: ALTERNIA HAD ITS FAULTS. OH DID IT HAVE A LOT OF FUCKING FAULTS!
KARKAT: BUT THAT WAS... STILL MY HOME. AND BESIDES.
KARKAT: EARTH IS A GIGANTIC SHIT STAIN ON THE UNIVERSES BOXERS.
KARKAT: EVERY CULTURAL CUSTOM OR PREJUDICE YOU TELL ME GETS MORE FUCKING RIDICULOUS THAN THE NEXT. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ALL HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF LIVING THERE FOR THE FIRST 6 SWEEPS OF YOUR LIVES.
DAVE: lmfao
DAVE: dude whos fault is that
DAVE: you literally made earth
DAVE: you got no one to blame but yourself for givin my planet cancer
Another snarl. Damn. You gotta make a tally of how many times he snarls at you. You wonder about the current number y’all are at. It’s gotta be in the hundreds by now. Is there a snarl per hour ratio? There has to be, but it would probably just be easier to figure out the average for every hour considering-
KARKAT: STRIDER. STRIDER!!!
He snaps his fingers in front of your face, and you tense a little before looking over at him. Oops. Got stuck in your head for a sec there. It was more than a second, you know exactly how long it was, and if you dwell on that any longer you can expect an angry screech from Karkat, but you think you might be pushing it today.
DAVE: shit sorry
DAVE: whats up karkat
KARKAT: I’M UNPAUSING THE MOVIE. YOU’RE GOING TO SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, AND FINISH WATCHING.
KARKAT: WE’RE NOT EVEN AN HOUR IN. JEGUS CHRIST, IF WE GET THIS DERAILED EVERYTIME YOU HAVE A QUESTION, WE’RE LITERALLY GOING TO BE HERE ALL NIGHT.
That doesn’t sound like the worst fate in the world. What else are you gonna do besides bother Karkat? Sit in your room and count some more minutes?
DAVE: okay okay
DAVE: no more sidebars got it
DAVE: cant make any promises for witty quips though you know im all about that life
Instead of answering you, Karkat does as promised and unpauses the movie. You do your best to shut the hell up and actually focus on the movie, and huh. The more you watch, it’s not actually crazy different. Minus the weird… Kisme-something at the beginning, as Karkat put it (you weren’t really paying attention), it’s a pretty accurate rendition. There’s a lot of “quadrant flipping”, which you don’t give enough a shit about to ask any follow up questions about what that means.
You look at him when you notice him waving his arms around as he goes into another rant about vacillations, and you notice he’s already looking at you.
KARKAT: ONCE HE FINDS OUT ABOUT LUUSCI’S DRONE ACCIDENT, HE FEELS UNMISTAKABLY PALE FOR HER, SO FROM THAT DAY ON IT’S MORE THAN JUST A KISMESTITUDE.
KARKAT: EVERYDAY, THEY’RE FLIPPING FROM PALE TO RED. FROM RED TO BLACK. IT’S INCREDIBLY EXHAUSTING FOR HIM, BUT HE FEELS SO… QUADRANT TRANSCENDINGLY FOR HER. IT’S-
KARKAT: IT’S FUCKING SICKENING. I’M SURPRISED THIS MOVIE WASN’T BURNED TO A CRISP THE SECOND IT RELEASED. QUADRANT BLURRING IS.. INCREDIBLY FUCKING OFF LIMITS.
KARKAT: SO FOR HIM TO NOT CARE, AND WANT HER IN EVERY QUADRANT, DESPITE IT ALL... IT’S BEAUTIFUL.
You still think troll romance is real fuckin stupid, and all sorts of redundant. But you gotta respect a guy for having passions. It’s.. Cool seeing how invested he is.
During the climax of the movie, you swear you can hear Karkat get a bit sniffly. You do what any good bro would do, and ignore it. Nothin wrong with a guy getting misty eyed over a romcom enjoyed primarily by tween girls. We all have our vices.
Once it’s over, it actually leaves you speechless. It’s the first troll movie you’ve ever seen, and you gotta say. Man. That was hot dogshit. You gotta respect the craft, it was horrendously bad. It’s truly inspiring. You aspire to make something so undebatably buns.
DAVE: oh my god
DAVE: dude
DAVE: why didnt you show me this sooner
DAVE: how have i lived 13 years of my life without seeing troll 50 first dates
DAVE: this is goin in the history books as one of the greats
No response.
DAVE: karkat
DAVE: are you overjoyed by the fact that i actually enjoyed that shit or
DAVE: whats goin on man
When you look over, your eyebrows widen just a bit in surprise. Oh. Karkat’s conked the fuck out, and his head is smack dab layin on your shoulder. When did that happen? Damn. How didn’t you notice? There’s no way you were that invested in the hijinx of Troll Adamn Sandler that you didn’t notice Karkat’s fat ass head lolling over onto you.
And man, is he really going at it. Napping it the fuck up. His mouth fell open sometime when he fell asleep, and he’s maybe a few minutes away from snoring your ears off. If you had to guess, you’d say 12. He’s even drooling. Dude’s never looked so.. Relaxed.
You can’t really blame the guy. He’s slept maybe thrice so far on your meteor journey, and considering it’s been months, that ain’t healthy for no damn man. Or troll. And you realize with sluggish accuracy that it’s been a while since you hit the hay, too. Not multiple fucking weeks, but it’s been roughly over a day.
37 hours, 19 minutes, 33 seconds and counting.
Next, you realize that the weight of Karkat laying against you with no concern for your amount of personal space is surprisingly comfortable. And warm. Seriously, he’s a fucking heater. It’s almost too hot, you can already feel your skin getting sweaty against him. But it’s nice.
Your last thought before your eyes flutter shut is, this must be what it’s like to feel safe.
--
Day 147.
Your name is DAVE STRIDER, and this apple juice tastes like shit.
You’re sitting criss-cross apple sauce, chilling in the alchemiter room with Rose, Kanaya, and Karkat. Y’all have been kicking it for a few hours now. It might be a more accurate descriptor to say Karkat and Kanaya were hanging out, and you and Rose were tagging along with them. Apparently, Kark and Kan have been chipping down the pages to some trashy rainbowdrinker novel that Kanaya got her hands on. They’ve been meeting up about once a week to discuss.
You ended up tagging along with Karkat when Kanaya pestered him about it, because the day you miss out on shitty borderline troll smut is the day hell freezes over.
Rose normally sits in on their meetings, not out of any interest of the distasteful literature (you’re calling bullshit on that), but because she’s discovered a new hobby to keep herself busy.
Alchemizing.
Which is why you’re slurping on possibly the shittiest aj that’s ever been created in space time. See what you did there? Of course you did, you’re the time guy. You wish Jade were here to giggle at your bit. Man. You miss her and John so badly, it’s real fuckin lame.
You shake your head and scrunch your nose in distaste as you take another sip from the silly straw sticking out of your juice carton.
DAVE: yeah this is a no go
DAVE: probably worst than your last attempt tbh
DAVE: can you try again
Rose doesn’t even give you as much as a glance while she shovels more shit into the machine, tongue clicking while she focuses on her new task: Producing fabric for Kanaya.
ROSE: Not now, Dave. Let me and Kanaya have a turn with our shoddily recreated items of choice.
ROSE: Speaking of, I have stark confidence that this will be tangible. Or at least, I’m getting there.
ROSE: Solid items are proving to be incredibly simple to juvenate. At least in comparison to liquids, or- Anything ingestible in general. I’m finding it quite difficult to recreate food as well.
KANAYA: Take Your Time Rose There’s No Rush
KANAYA: It Is Not As If I Have Anything Specific I Need It For
KANAYA: Though You Never Know When Inspiration Will Strike
ROSE: I’m sure the endless halls of the meteor must be sparking a flame of ingenuity within. As it is for me.
KANAYA: Yes I Can See By The Sheer Exaltation Radiating Through You
KANAYA: You Know I Have Never Seen You Look So Thrilled At The Concept Of Reinventing Cloth
You hear the distinct sound of someone clearing their throat.
KARKAT: AHEM.
You look over at where Karkat’s sitting on the couch, smirking as he points back to the outrageously detailed cover of In Which a Wayward Jadeblood Botanist Mistakenly Reawakens the Long Prophecized Rainbow Drinker and Subsequently Entangles Herself in a Catastrophic Series of Quadrant Crises, Political Treason, A Desperate Need For an Austispice, and Incredibly Inconvenient Feelings That Refuse to Stay Properly Categorized.
What a mouthful.
KANAYA: Right I Apologize Karkat
KANAYA: Where Were We
KARKAT: CHAPTER 12. AFTER RESKII JUMPS IN FRONT OF KISTUL WHEN THE HIGHBLOOD TRIES IMPALING HER.
Kanaya’s eyes go wide at the mention of the chapter, and you watch her skin flicker with intrigue. Damn. You’re so lucky you wear your shades around her. No shade, you think her glow in the dark dealie is choice as fuck. It’s just, y’know. Literally no fuckin shade. Even Rose has to squint at her sometimes.
KANAYA: Oh Yes
KANAYA: I Particularly Enjoyed The Prose In This Chapter
KARKAT: OH, I’M SURE THE PROSE WAS WHAT CAUGHT YOUR INTEREST.
KARKAT: AND NOT THE STEAMY HOMOEROTIC TENSION WHEN KISTUL TENDS TO RESKII’S WOUNDS. NOT AT ALL!!!
KANAYA: Well You Know
KANAYA: It May Definitely Be A Perk Of The Chapter Outside Of The Prose
KANAYA: But Yes I Am Seriously Just Drawn To The Author’s Narrative Devices
KANAYA: The Way They Foreshadow Kistul’s Quadrant Anarchy
KANAYA: While Also Staying Steadfast In Reskii’s Strict Adherence To Her Quadrants
KANAYA: She’s Insistent That Her Feelings For Kistul Are Entirely Black, While This Is Clearly An Unreliable Viewpoint That Highlights Her Overcompensation
This whole conversation sounds like a whole bunch of word slop. It’s easy to forget that your troll companions are completely alien from y’all, and then conversations like these come up. Even the way they romance is alien.
DAVE: hey guys
DAVE: not to interrupt cuz you know i love me an opportunity to harsh on karkats interests but
DAVE: what the hell does any of that mean i still dont get it really
DAVE: at all tbh and thats not for lack of trying
Karkat makes this weird chirp of annoyance at you, clearly calling bullshit. Which, y’know. It’s fair. You haven’t tried all that hard.
KARKAT: YEAH. WHENEVER WE’RE WATCHING A MOVIE IN THE LIVING SPACE, YOU’RE SO INVESTED IN THE ROMANTIC ENTANGLEMENTS OF THE CHARACTERS. I’VE NEVER SEEN YOU SO FUCKING FOCUSED!
He turns back to Kanaya.
KARKAT: HE STILL THINKS KISMESTITUDE IS JUST HATE FUCKING.
Kanaya sighs softly in gentle disapproval, shaking her head at you. You feel like you’re being scolded by your Mom. You don’t even have a Mom. Well, you guess you do. And you’ll meet her in... 2 Years and some change. Like you don’t know exactly how long you have until you and Rose are face to face with your Ecto Mom and Dad. 2 years, 7 months, 6 days-
Man. Your Ecto Bro. You haven’t thought about it much, not really. It’s cool, you don’t gotta think about it. What is there even to think about? It’s not like you think about the last time you saw your Bro, skin pale and clammy and body cold and stiff and the sickening smell of the blood oozing from the sword wound right in his chest, you don’t think about-
You need to stop thinking about this.
KANAYA: Oh Dave
KANAYA: That Is An Incredibly Inadequate Descriptor
KANAYA: And In All Transparency Just A Bit Offensive
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL HIM!
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT, DAVE? SIT THE FUCK DOWN.
DAVE: im sat karkat
DAVE: ive been sittin the whole time but i digress
DAVE: continue
KARKAT: FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL, YOUR ASS IS GETTING SCHOOLFED. QUADRANT STYLE.
Oh no.
DAVE: oh no
KARKAT: OH!!! YES!!!
KARKAT: KANAYA, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST WE START WITH? HOW ABOUT RED ROMANCE, SINCE HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS ARE SO FUCKING RUDIMENTARY, THAT’S ABOUT ALL YOU’LL UNDERSTAND!
KANAYA: Actually Me And Rose Have Discussed This Quite A Bit
KANAYA: A Lot Of Human Media Actually Depicts Several Flirtations That Could Be Interpreted As Black
KANAYA: She Shared With Me Her-
ROSE: What an interesting point of view Kanaya.
Rose’s voice is rushed, the smallest hint of embarrassment seeping into her words. Holy shit.
DAVE: man what the hell
DAVE: you showed kanaya your wizard yaoi unprompted but i still aint read the whole thing
DAVE: shits not fair rose
Karkat chokes down a snicker at your lament, and you watch him force a scowl.
KARKAT: ... WHAT THE FUCK IS YAOI.
Rose’s cheeks flush a shade darker and you feel a surge of pride wash over at you. Hell yah. Now it’s her turn to get embarrassed by you. It’s not so fun the other way around, huh, Lalonde? She coughs, loud, clearing her throat in a manner that’s very obviously forced.
ROSE: !!!
ROSE: I refuse to let Dave derail his schoolfeeding. This is of the utmost importance. We are not to leave this block until Dave has a thorough understanding of all 4 quadrants.
ROSE: Now, back to the topic at hand: Yes, I do in fact believe that there are several instances of literature or cinema that show competitive or antagonistic dynamics in a relationship, which is the core of kismestitude.
ROSE: And yes, I do agree that it would be easier on Dave if we start with matespritship, and go on from there. I leave the floor to you, Karkat.
He looks at you with a toothy grin and you feel your stomach squirm. Oh damn. Normally you’re excited for A La Rante De Karkat (Trademark pending), but this feels different. Like maybe he’s actually a little pissed at you for not giving a shit about Troll quads.
KARKAT: THANK YOU, ROSE! I’M GLAD THERE’S AT LEAST ONE HUMAN ON THIS FUCKING ROCK WITH ANY SENSE OF DECENCY.
KARKAT: ... THIS WOULD BE MUCH EASIER IF I COULD MAKE A DIAGRAM. DOES ANYONE HAVE-
You roll your eyes. Not another damn diagram. This guy and his charts. You concede anyway.
DAVE: here
You shove your hand in your pocket and shimmy it around for a bit, looking for your object of desire. Once you find it, you take out a half used piece of white chalk and toss it over to Karkat, huffing in amusement when it fumbles out of his fingers and lands on the ground.
KARKAT: YOU AND YOUR DAMN CHALK.
KARKAT: THANKS.
DAVE: yeah no prob dude
He scribbles down two intersecting lines that form 4 squares. You watch him draw 4 symbols that-
Okay. He just drew some card suits and called it a day. And damn, are they some shitty card suits.
DAVE: lmfao
DAVE: holy shit have you ever touched chalk a day in your life
KARKAT: YOU’VE LITERALLY SEEN ME CHALK HANDED PLENTY OF TIMES, ASSHOLE-
KARKAT: STOP TRYING TO DISTRACT ME!!!
KARKAT: OKAY, THESE-
He uses the worn down chalk to point to the heart and diamond signs.
KARKAT: THESE ARE KNOWN AS RED ROMANCE. BUT FOR SIMPLICITY, WE’LL START WITH MATESPRITSHIP LIKE ROSE SUGGESTED.
KARKAT: IT’S REFERRED TO AS THE FLUSHED QUADRANT, AND IS MOST SIMILAR TO A TRADITIONAL HUMAN RELATIONSHIP. YOUR MATESPRIT IS SOMEONE WHO YOU LOVE AND PITY DEEPLY MORE THAN ANYTHING, AND IT’S ONE OF 2 CONCUPISCENT QUADRANTS. ANY QUESTIONS?
DAVE: oh sick
DAVE: yeah that ones easy peasy i got that down
DAVE: should i be takin notes professor
DAVE: that means teacher btw did yall have those
DAVE: sorry im changin the subject im payin attention cross my heart
DAVE: hope to die too the whole deal
DAVE: yah just ignore me you were saying
He barks out a chuckle, and his laughs always sound painful. Like they’re being forced out of him. You wonder if you’ll ever catch em’ with his guard down, and hear him laugh without shame.
KARKAT: NEXT, YOU HAVE YOUR PALE QUADRANT. IN A MOIRAILLEGIANCE, THE BASICS ARE ABOUT SAFETY AND TRUST. YOU AND YOUR MOIRAIL CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER AND TURN TO EACH OTHER IN TIMES OF NEED. WHEN YOU’RE ABOUT TO FLIP YOUR SHIT, YOUR MOIRAIL IS IN CHARGE OF PACIFYING YOU. IT’S ONE OF 2 CONCILLIATORY QUADRANTS. STILL KEEPING UP?
DAVE: uh
DAVE: yeah i guess that makes sense but that sorta just sounds like
DAVE: a friend
DAVE: like thats your buddy and you chill each other the fuck out
KANAYA: I Can Certainly Understand Why You’d Interpret It That Way
KANAYA: Though It Is Different
ROSE: I think I understand your problem. You’re trying to view the quadrants through a human lens, which is why it’s difficult to make the separation between each quad. However, you must also consider that Alternia was not at all like Earth.
ROSE: Alternia was an incredibly violent and unforgiving planet. Not only was it difficult for Trolls to make friends, it was even harder to keep them. Trolls on their own are not a violent species, but the culture of Alternia often forces them to be that way.
ROSE: I’m sure you can imagine the murders. But it’s not like you’d have to.
Rose looks at you like she’s trying to melt your head off. You look over at Karkat and he looks like his heart dropped to his ass, and-
And you get it. Oh. Yeah. The whole.. Gamzee thing. You feel super dickish, especially when you remember that Karkat, for a... Very brief moment, was Gamzee’s moirail.
DAVE: ah
DAVE: yep
DAVE: shit sorry
ROSE: Mhm. So you see why a moiraillegiance is a necessary quadrant, and how a moirail may have different responsibilities than your matesprit would.
DAVE: yeah that makes sense
DAVE: karkat you can uh
DAVE: move onto the next one kay
DAVE: im listening this time for real i swear
Karkat senses your apologetic tone and lightly shoves his shoulder against yours.
KARKAT: EW.
KARKAT: IT’S FINE. DON’T FUCKING DO THAT. YOU’RE MORE TOLERABLE WHEN YOU’RE BEING A PRICK.
ROSE: I agree.
KANAYA: I Agree
DAVE: man you guys suck
DAVE: okay for real continue
KARKAT: SO, YOUR FIRST BLACK ROMANCE IS YOUR PITCH OR CALIGNOUS QUADRANT. YOUR KISMESIS IS SOMEONE WHO... OKAY, YES IT’S SOMEONE YOU HATE.
You open your mouth, but before you can say anything-
KARKAT: BUT IT IS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT, SO DON’T EVEN FUCKING START DAVE!
You close your mouth.
KARKAT: IT’S SOMEONE WHO COMPETES WITH YOU, PUSHES YOU TO BE THE BEST TROLL YOU CAN BE AND DRIVES YOU. IT’S THE LAST CONCUPISCIENT QUADRANT.
DAVE: ...
DAVE: so theres still some hate fucking
KARKAT: OKAY. FINE. YES.
KARKAT: I’LL LET YOU HAVE THIS ONE.
You pump your fist up in the air and mimic an explosion sound.
DAVE: hell yes
KARKAT: LASTLY, THE MOST DIFFICULT DYNAMIC TO TAKE PART IN: THE ASHEN QUADRANT. 3 PEOPLE TAKE PART IN THIS RELATIONSHIP INSTEAD OF 2. YOUR AUSPISTICE SERVES TO MEDIATE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR PITCH QUAD, SO THE BOTH OF YOU DON’T FUCKING KILL EACH OTHER. THEY KEEP YOUR KISMESTITUDE FROM BOILING OVER, ESSENTIALLY. IT’S THE FINAL CONCILIATORY QUAD.
DAVE: okay so theres
DAVE: some major cock blockage goin on here
KARKAT: ...
KANAYA: ...
ROSE: ...
DAVE: thats not right is it
KANAYA: No
KANAYA: Karkat I Can Take Over From Here Perchance
KARKAT: GO FUCKING NUTS.
KANAYA: Once Upon A Time I Was Briefly Forced Into The Position Of Auspistice Courtesy Of Vriska
KANAYA: As Karkat Mentioned It Is Conciliatory And Its The Most Difficult Quadrant To Master
KANAYA: It Also Happens To Be The Least Rewarding Sector
KANAYA: Id Say An Auspistice Is Most Similar To A
KANAYA: How Did You Put It Rose
ROSE: A couple’s therapist, essentially.
KANAYA: Yes That
KANAYA: You Act As A Mediator In An Already Tumultuous Relationship To Prevent Fatalities
KANAYA: As The Most Toxic Kismestitudes Often End Up Resulting In
DAVE: oh damn
DAVE: yeah that sounds like it fuckin sucks why would anyone want to be an auspice
DAVE: austipiss
DAVE: au-
KARKAT: JEGUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!!
KARKAT: DUDE, IT’S NOT THAT HARD TO SAY. COME ON.
KARKAT: AUS-PIS-TICE.
You smirk. Yup. He’s pissed the fuck off. But not for real. Just enough to roll his eyes and argue with you a bit. Score.
DAVE: man i just dont think i got the vocal chords to do that
DAVE: auspit
KARKAT: !!!
KARKAT: WHY WOULD IT BE AUSPIT. THAT’S SO STUPID.
ROSE: Don’t pay him any mind, Karkat. He’s just trying to rile you up.
ROSE: ...
ROSE: Hm.
Her eyes flicker from where she stands at the alchemiter to you and Karkat. You definitely don’t like that smug look she’s staring at ya both with. You can sense the snark radiating from her. Uh oh.
DAVE: why hm
DAVE: what are you hmm ing
ROSE: Oh, nothing in particular.
DAVE: okay good
DAVE: ...
You feel real awkward out of nowhere, so you force yourself to ignore Rose. You don’t wanna push it, cuz you think you have an idea of what she’s thinkin, and-
That’s just real far off man. You ain’t like that. Plus, you don’t hate the guy. You don’t feel crazy competitive around him, either. You just.. Like messin with him.
DAVE: anyways
DAVE: what about fuckin
DAVE: quadrant smearing or whatever
KARKAT: OH, SO YOU DO ACTUALLY LISTEN WHEN WE WATCH MOVIES.
KARKAT: QUADRANT VACILLATION IS A RARER CASE, WHERE YOUR FEELINGS FOR A TROLL CAN FLIP BETWEEN MULTIPLE QUADRANTS.
KARKAT: IT’S MOSTLY SHOWN WITH FLUSH AND CALIGNOUS FEELINGS, BUT IT’S... THAT’S DIFFERENT THAT QUADRANT BLURRING.
You wait for him to elaborate, but he doesn’t. So, Kanaya speaks up for him, sensing his discomfort with the topic.
KANAYA: Quadrant Smearing As You Referred To It
KANAYA: Though Its More Typically Dubbed As Quadrant Blurring
KANAYA: Its Incredibly Looked Down Upon Because Youre Supposed To Fill Out All 4 Quadrants With Separate People
KANAYA: But Some Trolls May Feel All The Quadrants Towards One Specific Individual
KARKAT: IT’S A COSMIC FUCKING JOKE IS WHAT IT IS!
KARKAT: WHAT TROLL CAN’T FILE THEIR FEELINGS INTO ONE QUADRANT? IT’S-
KARKAT: GENETICALLY FUCKING ENGRAINED IN US. WHATEVER. I’M DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS.
He digs his sharp nails into the sleeves of his sweater and winces. Huh. Karkat, not having something to say for once? Unheard of. You think you can fill in the blanks though.
You know he had a sorta thing for Terezi a while back, and she sure shut that shit down fast. And now she spends most of her time with Vriska, so you think he’s bitter about that.
He probably just thinks its another part of himself that alienates him from the rest of his species. He’s a mutant, and he just can’t help but hate-love-pity someone.
Huh.
DAVE: yeah thats cool man
DAVE: do yall got an extra copy of this book or what
DAVE: come on dont deprive me
You spend the rest of the day dramatically narrating sapphic troll literature with your buds.