Chapter Text
Subaru does NOT have a problem.
Sure, maybe he has gotten a bit more... Reliant, on Satella since she neg diffed Regular Cornyass but it's not THAT bad, certainly not as exaggerated as Emilia and Reinhard are making it out to be. That's what he tells himself at least, I mean c'mon, you get one of the most powerful beings simping for you and there just so happens to be an asshole who bumped into you while walking with your buddies and didn't apologize after you already apologized to him, and I mean Subaru is just sayin'.
You'd be pretty pissed off too.
"I don't have a problem!" Exclaimed the strongest existence.
"You do Subaru." Said both the red head and a slightly less cool compared to her lookalike half-elf
"Nuh uh, you'd ask your friend with benefits for help too when you can't open a pickle jar!" Subaru retorts, coughing a certain part out.
Surprisingly pickles are still called pickles in this world, who would've guessed? it's totally not because the author's laziness to see if there is one or not.
"Sorry Subaru I don't get that analogy, I just use my Divine Protection of 'Pickle Jar Opening' to... Apologies, what was that other part?" Reinhard uses his Divine Protection of 'Back The Fuck Up' to ask Subaru what he just stated.
"Which part?"
"When you said 'Friends with-'" Before Reinhard can finish his sentence his eyes dart to the drink that suddenly appeared in Subaru's hand.
Both Reinhard and Subaru stare at each other for a bit before Emilia breaks the silence
"Subaru... how... just how." Surprisingly, Emilia doesn't say something that makes her sound older than the Witch herself.
"Because I'm cool as fuuuucckkkk Emilia-Tan." Subaru almost looks cool until he pretends to take a sip but not even a drop enters his mouth.
Mom and Dad would whoop his ass if they found out he drank alcohol before turning 21.
"You had the Witch of Envy stop time... to get you a drink." Reinhard states the obvious.
"Quite bizarre isn't it?" Subaru ominously says.
"...I think you need some time to yourself Subaru." Emilia says, clearly worried about Subaru's mental state.
"What? I'm just fine and dandy Emilia-Tan!" Subaru seems to be holding the hand of... someone who Emilia reeeeeaaaaly doesn't like.
Reinhard takes notice too.
"I think you should rest Subaru." He says while reaching out to Subaru to knock him out with his Divine Protection of 'Put Insane People To Sleep'.
But before- "SATELLA SAVE ME!!!" ASSHOLE DIDN'T EVEN LET ME FINISH!
"NOT THIS TIME, OD AID ME!" Reinhard calls out to his sugar deity for help to capture Subaru as he is pulled by unseen hands.
Sensing one much alike him Subaru quickly switches tactics! "IF YOU GET ME OUT OF THIS SATELLA I'LL GIVE YOU A LAP PILLOW!"
Reinhard realizes what he must do... If you want to beat your enemy... Then you must think like them! "OD IF YOU BOOST MY DIVINE PROTECTIONS I'LL FIND A WAY TO HAVE SOMEONE PAINT ALL MY MEMORIABLE MOMENTS WHILE I WAS A CHILD!" Od Laguna's Fatherly and Motherly instincts boost Reinhard.
But Subaru was already one step ahead... no he was two!
"if... you get me out of this Satella... I'LL SIT ON YOUR FACE!" And just like that... Subaru was gone... like winds in the night...
Emilia and Reinhard were in shambles but most especially Emilia.
'...He was supposed to sit on my face! It should have been me! not her!' And to emphasize the impact of this betrayal... Emilia said the most vile words that have ever been uttered from her mouth.
"Subaru you whippersnapper doofus!"
...And they say Satella's the Witch.