Chapter Text
The one thing about Shen Jiu that made him Shen Jiu was his obsession with perfection.
Maybe because he was abandoned when he was small. Shen Jiu never remembered his family before being a street rat. When he developed awareness as a person, he was already taken care of by Qi ge and the street rats jie jies. Maybe it was because of his personal realisation that nothing in the world comes for free, they always demand price; and thus perfection was required to get the highest reward. Maybe it was his way to prove that he was worthy enough for people to stay. Maybe it was his way to hide his insecurities and emotions. Or maybe it was just what made Shen Jiu, Shen Jiu.
The first case was his Qi ge. Shen Jiu was obsessed with keeping his Qi ge safe. He hated and chased away other kids who leeched off Qi ge’s kindness. Qi ge was everything good in this world for little street rat Shen Jiu. But people kept abusing kindness, and that's why it was Shen Jiu’s job (obsession) to keep Qi ge clean. In his mind, Qi ge was everything good and perfect. Thats why he silently kept Qi ge image on a pedestal. It made Shen Jiu trust Qi ge’s promise to come back for him and put faith on this promise even though he knew he was being unrealistic. He loved Qi ge with the perfect obsession, until the act of (presumed) betrayal from Qi ge by not actually coming back for him destroyed the rest of Shen Jiu’s life. (He was unable to accept that he was actually forgotten and abandoned again by his Qi ge. Why? Was he that unimportant?
Yes, a voice in his head kept whispering. You are not important when you are not perfect.)
Shen Jiu was obsessed with perfection until he followed Wu Yanzi’s instruction to the dot. Shen Jiu wasn’t stupid, he knew Wu Yanzi was bad for him. But it was his only chance to cultivate, and he should be able to do it if he followed everything till perfection. And this obsession ruined his core forever.
He was obsessed to be the most perfect scholar cultivator – everything he did, from music, poetry, calligraphy and songs were all repeated until he reached perfection–enough until his Master decided Shen Jiu was a worthy successor. He forgot that there is no end to obsession of perfection–because if everything needs to be perfect, then one should be everything. No human or deity was perfect, yet Shen Jiu was determined he needed to keep trying until he could be that : perfect.
It ended up with him being looked down upon by his martial siblings. It ended up with him unable to help Liu Qingge. It ended up with him accused of being a killer. It ended up with him dumping his emotions on a poor little beast named Luo Binghe. It ended up with him being hated by his whole sect. It ended up with him as a human pickle jar.
Even with the realisation and devastating result of his obsession, Shen Jiu still maintained his love for Qi ge till the end. Shen Jiu still maintained his ‘perfect’ cultivation standard till he couldn’t control his body anymore. In the end, Shen Jiu only let go of his obsession when he saw Qi ge die and nothing was there to protect anymore.
Now, in this new life, Shen Jiu thought he knew better. Obsession brings nothing but destruction. Loyalty was stupid. Promise was empty words.
Yet maybe Shen Jiu was an idiot who couldn't learn. Within the weeks after he was discharged from hospital, Shen Jiu unwittingly turned his obsession towards Shen Yuan. He started to follow his little brother everywhere, remembering the medicines Shen Yuan needs to take, checking Shen Yuan’s temperature every hour, watching Shen Yuan’s every move.
Shen Yuan initially responded with enthusiasm; they spent hours playing piano together – more like Shen Yuan randomly using his fingers to push on some keys while Shen Jiu showed him how it is done. Sometimes Shen Jiu played the qin while Shen Yuan watched with sparkly eyes full of adoration. Other times they painted together – Shen Jiu painting his traditional chinese painting (which was collected by Mama Shen as if a dragon hoarding her treasure– Shen Jiu just realised that when he was an adult that his mother has opened yearly exhibition for the public, filled with his embarrassing child-level traditional chinese painting – not that anyone ever cares, because even in childhood, Shen Jiu’s painting was already national-treasure level for modern time), while Shen Yuan paint using his fingers and water-based child-safe paints following his older brother’s direction.
Mama Shen found them adorable–Shen Jiu caught her taking pictures whenever Shen Jiu read some eastern poems while waiting for Shen Yuan to nap. At first, Shen Ju thought she disapproved of Shen Jiu, like what happened in his previous life. However, Mama Shen seemed happy instead, giving them treats every time she saw them enjoying time together. Shen Jiu also caught her pushing Shen Yuan more and more towards Shen Jiu. This kind of encouragement was new. Usually Shen Jiu’s obsession was faced with rejection or suspicions from his environment.
With the encouragement, Shen Jiu became even bolder. And when he was bold, his perfectionism shone through. He started to correct the bad posture of Shen Yuan’s, he corrected how the little boy used his utensils, how Shen Yuan spoke, sometimes he even pinched Shen Yuan’s cheek for slobbering. Shen Jiu was a strict teacher who strives for perfection, regardless of whoever his students were. He accepted nothing less than proper and perfect.
But alas, Shen Yuan was just a kid. He was a little toddler who was just learning the way of the world. He pouted when Shen Jiu corrected him. He refused to follow Shen Jiu’s direction. He cried when Shen Jiu pinched his cheek, because it hurt.
Slowly, the adoration in Shen Yuan’s eyes faded into scowl and reluctance.
Shen Yuan stopped smiling when Shen Jiu showed him how to play the piano. Shen Yuan stopped following Shen Jiu to paint and preferred to play with plushies instead. Shen Yuan stopped listening patiently to Shen Jiu’s qin playing, opting to play with Mother Shen or the nanny instead. Shen Yuan slowly preferred other people to Shen Jiu.
The change hurt Shen Jiu’s feelings.
Shen Jiu knew it was irrational for him to get disappointed at a little boy as small as Shen Yuan. Shen Yuan was a small toddler who was growing. Shen Jiu should be able to teach him better, allowing Shen Yuan to grow into his own self. Shen Jiu knew his teaching style was not good; his students showed him how bad of a teacher Shen Qingqiu was. But it was undeniable that being rejected by Shen Yuan hurts.
That day, Shen Jiu played piano alone. Usually Shen Yuan would come because of his interest on the musical notes and played with Shen Jiu. But recently, the littlest member of the Shen family refused to even come close to Shen Jiu. Shen Jiu wondered when he had changed–he used to find Shen Yuan’s presence a nuisance especially whenever he wanted to play piano. But now, it feels so lonely to play alone.
Suddenly the door opened and Mama Shen was there, with Shen Yuan on her hips.
“A Yuan, look! Gege is playing piano,” Mama Shen coaxed the boy in her arms. “Don’t you want to play with Gege?”
Shen Jiu stopped playing, looking at Shen Yuan with hope.
Shen Yuan turned away instead.
“No!”
“A-Yuan…” Mama Shen patted her little baby. “Why not? Gege is playing too.”
“No Gege! Gege bad!”
Shen Jiu stopped looking at them. It hurt. Shen Yuan rejected him. The rejection felt familiar, like he was abandoned once again. Mama Shen smiled apologetically and brought Shen Yuan out of the room. Suddenly Shen Jiu lost his will to play piano. He closed the piano and sat silently instead.
His eyes blurred from tears but he shed none.
Shen Jiu stopped responding for the rest of the day.
It wasn’t like he spoke a lot; usually he just spoke only when he felt it was necessary. But he was feeling raw from the blatant rejection from Shen Yuan. It spiralled into self-questioning whether he hadn’t changed at all. Was it him? Was he the reason everything always turned like that? Was Shen Jiu so problematic?
Why was he alive then? Why was he there, in his second life? Was Heaven punishing him with this life? Why was he always getting hated when he tried to be perfect?
Why was he alive then?
Shen Jiu pretended to sleep and holed up under his bedcover instead.
Suddenly someone entered his room and sat on the bed.
“A Jiu?” Mama Shen’s voice filled the room. “Are you awake, baby?”
Shen Jiu didn’t want to face anyone, so he kept his silence. But Mama Shen seemed to see through him; as she crawled closer and slowly pat Shen Jiu’s back through the bedcover.
“Do you want to share?”
It was new. He never had someone asking that. Usually it was Qi ge who asked him how he was every time they met; but it was empty chit chat. Was Mama Shen different? Does Mama Shen really want to listen to Shen Jiu?
“... Please forgive your brother. He is just too small.”
Ah. Mama Shen was the same with Qi ge then. It was always Shen Jiu who needed to control himself. Sacrificing himself. Accepting the bitter truth. Because no one understands Shen Jiu. Disappointment filled his chest. Of course, he shouldn’t hope too much.
“He loves you too, baby. A-Yuan just doesn’t know better.” Mama Shen continued. “A Yuan loves being with you, playing music and drawing. You are his best big brother.”
Shen Jiu didn’t want to hear more. He lashed out instead, just like he did with Qi ge–Yue Qingyuan. “... Get out.”
Usually Yue Qingyuan would leave and let Shen Jiu marinate in self hate.
But Mama Shen was different. Instead of getting out, she came and slipped into the bed cover. Shen Jiu was surprised and felt Mama Shen’s arms caught his body and pulled him into her embrace.
“Please don’t lock us out, baby. Can you share what you are feeling with mama?”
Shen Jiu froze. He didn’t know what to say or feel in that situation. It felt like he was back in Red Pavilion, with jie jies coaxing him to share about how bad his martial siblings were. But Shen Jiu couldn’t lie, that Mama Shen’s arms were gentler and warmer than the jie jies’.
Mama Shen continued after seeing that Shen Jiu wasn’t returning her conversation, “Shen Jiu ah, you are very gifted. My pretty baby. You are so smart and talented. And hardworking too. You can play the piano, the qin like no one else can. You paint so well, your paintings are our family’s treasure. You are my pride and joy, baby. I love you so much.”
Shen Jiu blushed involuntarily. Despite being the Master of Qingjing, no one ever directly praises him like that. Even his own shizun was stingy with praise.
But Mama Shen’s next words changed Shen Jiu’s mood, “...Sometimes I feel you are growing too fast by yourself. Mama wants to apologise for making you feel that way. You are independent to a fault. You protected your brother from being neglected. You taught your little brother to be better. You have all the good intentions and you always give your all to keep it to your standard. But it must be hard on you. You are just a babe yourself. Mama is sorry she is so incompetent to raise you. So please depend on Mama? Mama will be here, and will never be mad at you. I love you so much, my precious baby.”
Shen Jiu felt his eyes wet. He tried to move, but Mama Shen’s arms were tight around him, hugging him.
“Please forgive your brother? He is just a baby, he doesn't understand what you mean well. Shen Jiu must have wanted to teach your little brother, right? Mama is sorry that A-Yuan is still too small. He doesn’t understand A-Jiu’s love. But maybe, we can try to teach A-Yuan better, hmm? By being softer, and less strict. A-Yuan looked up to you so much, he wanted to be like you. But he is still small, and still learning, and still making mistakes. So can A-Jiu be leaner to A-Yuan?”
Shen Jiu understood what Mama Shen meant. He knew it was true that Shen Yuan was still a baby that made a lot of mistakes and was driven by his baby instinct. Shen Jiu understood. But he was still a child himself, and his frustration of not being able to be strict and perfect also made him mad. Shen Jiu refused to cry, but his sobs were getting louder.
Mama Shen hugged Shen Jiu all the way, rocking her baby softly until Shen Jiu fell into a tired slumber. It was novel for Shen Jiu to feel that warm and protected. Maybe Mama Shen was right, and he decided to follow her advice. It felt so good to have an adult looking after him.
Things changed slowly. Shen Jiu tried to be better. He apologised to Shen Yuan and stopped himself from being overly strict. Instead of slapping Shen Yuan’s dirty hand from touching his clothes, Shen Jiu took a tissue and cleaned up Shen Yuan’s hand. Instead of pinching Shen yuan when he made the wrong musical notes on the piano keys, Shen Jiu gently brought those little fingers to the correct key. Instead of calling Shen Yuan to come to him, Shen Jiu came and sat beside Shen Yuan. Instead of scolding Shen Yuan when he didn’t listen, Shen Jiu patiently tell Shen Yuan the better way to do things.
Slowly things got better. And very well. Shen Qi saw the closer relationship between his little brothers and wanted to be in the circle as well. It ended up with Shen Qi with Shen Yuan on his lap and Shen Jiu beside them, reading poetry together. Shen Qi listening in awe for his little brother’s artistic genius, Shen Jiu happily reciting poems he loves, and Shen Yuan enjoying the warmth of his eldest brother’s lap and his second brother’s mesmerising voice.
Mama Shen took a picture and the picture became a permanent fixture in their living room.
All in all, Shen Jiu learned that one didn’t need to be perfect to be loved.