Chapter Text
Trina sighed as she set the baby carrier on her desk. She was once again on babysitting duty. Curtis and Jordan were on yet another date night and had asked Trina to take care of her baby sister. Trina didn’t mind. Taking care of Tabyana kept her mind distracted. Taking care of the baby kept her from dwelling on the conversation that she had with Kai just a few short hours ago….
“So when can I expect an answer?” Kai asked, getting back onto his feet. It took a while to work up the courage to propose to Trina. He had been waiting for just the right time, but the job offer from DC had pushed him to go ahead and pop the question and hope for the best.
“Um...I don’t know Kai. I have to think about it. I mean...my experience with marriage is that...it doesn’t last. My mom divorced both of my fathers. Joss’s parents aren’t together...I mean...why change it? Why now?”
“Because I love you and want to build a life with you, Trina. I really see a future with you, and I don’t see why we should put off making it official.”
Trina stared at him in disbelief. “And there’s no other reason?”
Kai looked sheepish and smiled. “Well...there kind of is. I had gotten a job offer in DC. Congressman Dupree wants me to come be his assistant. He wants to mentor me and show me the ropes of Washington.”
“Kai, that’s great! Why didn’t you tell me that from the start?”
Kai shrugged. “I don’t know. I just felt so...lucky. You know? Like the sky was the limit. That all my wishes would come true, and my greatest wish is to spend my life with you, Trina. For us to be together, perhaps even start a family of our own, while I build my political career in DC. I know that it’s short notice and it’s a lot to consider, but...I can’t picture myself doing any of it without you by my side. I love you, Trina. I am in love with you, and I want to marry you. I’m here hoping that maybe you feel the same way.”
Trina felt something in her heart sink. Maybe a month ago, she would have said yes, eager to continue on with her life and start a new chapter. But for the past month...she’s been feeling Spencer’s presence more than ever before. She couldn’t explain why, but she’s been feeling as if Spencer was nearby, watching her. It made her rethink so many things about her life, Kai being one of them. Whenever he kissed her or held her hand, she would find herself thinking of Spencer. When Kai said he loved her, she found herself comparing how she felt for Kai to the intense love she had for Spencer. She just couldn’t help herself.
“Kai...I do care about you. I care about you a lot. You’ve really come through for me in so many ways in the past year. I mean that whole thing with Willow shooting Drew...and then discovering that was just the beginning...plus my family drama with my parents' divorce and my mom’s lies...you’ve been my rock, and that will always mean a lot to me. I love you for all of it, I really do…”
Kai felt his heart sink as he realized what was coming. “I did all of that because I’m in love with you, Trina. I do things like that for the woman I love…”
“I know. Believe me, I know...and I was hoping that I would again get there too. That...I would eventually get to the point where I could not only say that back to you, like you have so many times, but that I would feel that...strong connection that you do feel for the person that you want to live your life with...But I never did. I love you, Kai...but I’m not in love with you,” Trina confessed, a tear making its way down her cheek. It sincerely hurt her to see the clear hurt in his eyes...a hurt that she had spent the past year trying to avoid.
Kai swallowed down the sharp pain that had shot through him at her words and looked at her, confused. “What do you mean by that?”
Trina sighed and folded her arms, feeling awful, but she couldn’t lie about her feelings. That had been her parents' problem. They both lied to each other for years about their feelings, and it all led to a whole lot of hurt that could have been avoided if they had just been honest with each other from the start. “I mean that, I care so much about you, Kai. You...you’ve helped me heal so much from a really big loss. You made me...feel again! After Spencer...I never thought I’d ever want to get close to anyone ever again, but you changed that for me! You made me not afraid to get close again, and I’ll always be grateful to you for that. I have strong feelings for you, Kai...but they’re not strong enough to marry you and leave my whole life here in Port Charles behind. My family, my friends, my entire life is here in Port Charles. I have Taby, who I want to watch grow up and be here for! You deserve someone who would just leave it all behind for you, Kai. You deserve someone who, when you say that you love them, they can say it back right away. No hesitation. That would accept your proposal, no hesitation. That person is out there, but it’s just not me. I’m sorry, but it’s not.”
“But Trina...we’ve been through so much together….we’re good together. I mean...of course you love me. I didn’t have to hear you say it to know it! Maybe you’re confused, maybe you just don’t know your own feelings and…”
“Really? Kai, are you actually standing here, telling me that I don’t know how I feel? When no one is in this body but me? That somehow you know my feelings, yet I don’t? Not only is that insulting, but it’s also offensive and sexist!”
“Trina...that’s…”
“And if I had any doubts about saying no, they’re gone now,” Trina stepped away as she heard Tabyana begin to fuss. “I think that you should leave now. I’ve said all that I’m going to say. You have my answer, and it’s a resounding no!”
“Trina, come on. That’s not what I meant. Let’s talk about this. I mean...if I were Spencer…”
“Stop! I am going to stop you right there! You are not Spencer! Nowhere near close to Spencer! If you were, you would have accepted my no as a no. You wouldn’t be trying to tell me how I feel! You would be well aware that I know who I am, what I feel, and don’t need your opinion onthe matter! Spencer didn’t only love me, he respected me! He respected my choices and my feelings! He never tried to make me feel what he wanted me to feel! With Spencer, no was no. So don’t stand there and try to compare yourself to him! You’re nothing like him!”
Kai stood there for a moment and then laughed bitterly. “You never really were over him, were you? I was always competing with a ghost.”
Trina lifted her fussing sibling into her arms and turned back around to face Kai, tears now falling freely. “Spencer was the great love of my life. Of course, I was never really over him. I probably never will be. But I was moving on. Rebuilding my life...trying to build something separate from what Spencer and I had. What I had with you, Kai. It was different. It was real. But it wasn’t love, not the kind of love you want me to feel. Spencer’s grandmother once told me that you can have more than one great love of your life. Spencer was one...and perhaps someday, there will be another for me. But you are not it. The disrespect that you’ve shown just now proves that. So go. Go to DC. Build an awesome career in politics. Find that great love of your life, Kai. Maybe someday, we can be friends, but right now...I'd rather not even see you for a while.”
“Really, Trina? Are you just going to end it? Just like that? Like we were nothing at all?” Kai frowned, the hurt clear in his eyes and voice.
“We were something. But now, we’re nothing. Not when you obviously don’t respect me, not like I thought you did,” Trina looked away, not having anything else to say. “Goodbye, Kai.”
Kai stood there for a second, hoping that Trina would realize what she was doing and change her mind, but all he got was silence. So he just sighed in hurt resignation, turned around, and walked out of her life.
Alone at last, Trina sank down onto her office chair, clinging to her baby sister, wondering if she was just destined to live her life alone….
Now, hours later, she was still ruminating about her life and what she was meant to do with it, now that she had graduated from PCU and was once again single. Really, she couldn’t believe how quickly things had fallen apart with Kai. How her refusal to marry him had brought out his disrespect. Then again, looking back, she could see where he had shown signs. Like his refusal to listen to her about the Drew situation. She had wanted to call 911, but he hadn’t wanted to. She had wanted to forget about even knowing about the ringtone when they had thought the shooter was Michael. Again, he insisted that they look more into it. She had wanted to go to the police when they had discovered that, indeed, the shooter was Willow. He then pivoted and wanted to forget about it. She had wanted him to quit working for Drew when the Congressman had his “stroke”. Again, Kai had refused to listen to her. He had shown time and again that he didn’t respect her feelings or opinions. Where Spencer had always respected her take on things, even when he felt differently. It was just as well that things went the way they had. She wanted the door firmly shut to Kai, never to be opened again, not like it had been after his first betrayal.
“Taby, your big sister has to work on her taste in men, doesn’t she? Find someone who could at least come close to...him. Right?” Trina sadly sighed, gently caressing the baby’s soft cheeks with her slender fingers.
“Whose him?”
Trina froze as the familiar warmth of his presence filled her senses. Her breath caught, realizing that she wasn’t only feeling him, she had just heard him as well...which was new. She was afraid to turn around...turn around to find the room still empty, because that would mean that she was losing her mind for real.
Taby’s giggle filled the room, and the baby’s gaze locked on something...or someone right behind Trina, causing her heart to pound.
“Taby? Who are you looking at?” Trina asked, her voice trembling.
“She looks just like you, pretty girl. Those eyes, that smile.”
Slowly, Trina turned around, and her eyes widened as her breath caught in her chest and her heart nearly stopped at the sight of the one person that she had accepted that she’ll never see again...not in this lifetime. But she was seeing him, standing in the doorway, looking a little thinner than she remembered...but just as handsome.
“Hi,” He simply said, his voice barely audible as she stood there just staring at her, his dark gaze just drinking her in as if she was a cold glass of water.
Trina’s voice stuck as she stared, her brain struggling to accept that he was there. That he wasn’t a figment of her imagination. She was almost afraid to speak, as if the sound of her voice would make him fade away, as if he were made of smoke.
“Well, aren’t you going to say hi back?” He asked, his voice amused, but his eyes somber.
“H-Hi,” She managed, unable to move, barely able to breathe. “A-Are you real?”
Spencer swallowed hard, his heart aching as he saw the tears shining in her eyes. “Yes, baby. I’m real. I’m really here…”
Trina got to her feet, her eyes never leaving Spencer. She couldn’t stop looking at him, certain that he’d disappear if she looked away. “I...I don’t understand. How are you here? I mean...you were gone for so long...I…”
“I know...I know, and I’m sorry. I’ll explain everything, I promise.”
Trina couldn’t stop the sobs that began to overtake her as she remembered the ocean of pain she had been drowning in during that first year...then walking through life in a fog as she began to put her life back together again. Now, after two whole years, he was back, and her emotions were again taking her over.
Seeing that Trina was about to collapse, Spencer finally stepped forward in enough time to catch her as her legs gave out, the strength draining from them. He held her up against his chest as she continued to sob, her slender fingers curling into his shirt, holding on as tight as possible.
Gently, Spencer led Trina back over to her chair and had her sit down. He reached over to pluck a tissue from the box sitting on her desk and began to wipe away her tears.
“I don’t understand any of this,” Trina cried. “How are you here, after all of this time? Oh my god, I left you there all alone…”
“Hey, hey. Shh, none of that, alright. It wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you. There was no way you could have known,” Spencer cooed, wanting to kiss away each and every tear, yet not daring to. It was hard, but he kept reminding himself that Trina was no longer his. She had a new reality that he was no longer a part of, but he was not going to allow her to blame herself for their separation. Only one person was to blame, and thankfully, she was good and dead.
“What happened?”
“A fisherman pulled me to shore. I was unconscious. He got me to a hospice right outside of Paris. I was in a coma for a full year...then when I woke up...I had no idea who I was, where I was, or what happened to me. It took another year to get back on my feet, and for my memory to finally return...and when it did, I came home.”
“I waited. I waited so long for a phone call. For someone to call and tell us that you were found alive and were waiting for us. But it never came...I...I had to accept that you were gone. Oh my god, Spencer. It had hurt so bad...to love you so much...but you being gone...and there was nowhere to go with it…”
“I’m so sorry, Trina. I wish that I had woken up earlier. I wish that I could have come home way before now.”
“Oh my god, there’s so much to tell you...so much has happened since you were gone. Britt’s alive!”
Spencer blinked. “What? How?”
“I’m not sure about the details, but she’s alive, and your Aunt Lulu is awake…”
“I know about that…”
“You have a new cousin. He’s a good friend of mine. His name is Gio. He’s Dante and Brooklyn’s son...big paternity reveal...which I am an expert about,” Trina laughed through her tears, unable to stop rambling. “There’s so much, Spencer...oh my god, have you seen your grandmother? She’s going to be so happy that you’re back!”
Spencer took it all in with a sad smile. Trina was going to hate him when she learned that he had been in town for a full month and hadn’t said anything. He didn’t know when or even if he should tell her. He did wonder why she hadn’t mentioned Kai, her assumed fiancé, father of her baby. But he wasn’t going to rush her. The less spoken about the man, the better, in Spencer’s opinion.
“I can’t wait to hear all of it,” Spencer smiled, the smile fading a little at the soft coos coming from the baby. “So, what’s her name?” Spencer got to his feet to take a closer look at the baby. He couldn’t get over how much she looked like Trina. There was no sign of Kai Taylor in the child anywhere. Lucky kid.
“Tabyana Ashford. She’s been my newest obsession for the past four months,” Trina sniffed, rubbing away her leftover tears.
“She’s beautiful, Trina. Congratulations. That Kai is a lucky man to have not only you, but your daughter,” Spencer sighed, his voice dripping with regret. “You know, I used to dream about you and me having a baby of our own. I knew you’d be a great mom.”
Trina frowned as her mind processed Spencer’s words. Why was he talking about Kai? How did he even know about Kai? Didn’t he just get back? “Spencer...how do you know about Kai? You two never met, have you?”
Spencer inwardly kicked himself. Of course, the moment of truth came fast and quick. She was going to hate him, which was probably for the best. It’d make it easier for them both to let go if she thought that he was returning to his old Cassadine ways.
“Exactly how long have you been back, Spencer?” Trina stared at him, a mix of suspicion and hurt in her beautiful eyes, which made Spencer hate himself even more.
“Don’t be mad...then again, maybe it’s for the best if you do get mad. Make this a whole lot easier…”
“Spencer! Just answer the question! How long have you been back in Port Charles?!”
He didn’t want to say it. He knew it would hurt her. It’d make her cry, then it’ll make her angry, but mostly she’ll be hurt and once again it’ll be because of him! But what else could he do? He hadn’t wanted to disrupt her peace. He hadn’t wanted to burden her with his feelings when she had finally found her footing again and was starting a family of her own! How could he make her understand that?
“I...I’ve been back for a month…”
Trina sprang out of her chair and walked away from him, her entire body tensing up. “Oh my god...you’ve been back that long and didn’t deem it important enough to come to me?! What the hell, Spencer!”
“But I did! You were the first place I headed to, the moment I got back to town! I swear you were, Trina!”
Trina whirled around on him, her eyes flashing with hot anger, yet held a deep hurt in their depths that made Spencer ache with regret. “Really? Funny, because I didn’t see hide or hair of you, Spencer!” Her breath caught, realizing something. She may not have seen Spencer...but she had felt him. That intense presence that had been haunting her for the past month...but still...that didn’t matter because he had still kept his presence hidden. “Two years! Two years I grieved for you, tearing myself apart! Yet, you didn’t deem me important enough to come to me!”
“Of course I did! I came right here when I got back...but you weren’t alone, Trina. You were with...him. With Kai...and you two were with your baby, and it was such an intimate scene...it was obvious that you were loved, happy, and at peace…and I just couldn’t take that from you! I’ve been nothing but trouble and strife for you since the moment we met, and to see you at peace...I couldn’t disturb that. I couldn’t burden you with my feelings...make you feel obligated, or guilty! So I stayed away...as much as I could.”
“As much as you could? What does that supposed to mean?”
“I couldn’t leave it alone, fully. I spent the past month...following you around...watching you live your life. Being happy. Being at peace...be what you should have always been before I brought Esme and my Cassadine mess into your life. Then...I saw him propose to you and that was when I knew that I had to stop. I couldn’t take it anymore...watching you become someone else’s girl. So I stopped...and I was planning to leave Port Charles without seeing you at all…”
“But you didn’t leave. Why, Spencer? What made you stay? What made you come reveal yourself to me after all?”
“Joss. I was sitting on the dock...saying goodbye to Wyndemere...when she came upon me. Told me off and made me realize that I couldn’t leave...not without talking to you, even if it was for the last time. You needed closure to what we had...you deserve closure…”
“So you’re just here to come back into my life, just to leave again?!”
“Trina...believe me. If you were free...if you weren’t newly engaged, with a baby...I’d stay. I’d stay and never leave your side ever again! But...I saw him propose. And look, you have this beautiful baby girl who looks just like you. You’re building a family that you deserve. You’re loved, and you have a safe, peaceful life! I’m not going to let you just walk away from that because you may feel obligated or…”
Trina had heard enough. The more Spencer talked, the more frustrated she grew until she couldn’t take it anymore. “Spencer Cassadine! Shut up!”
Spencer fell quiet, steeling himself for the rage that he was sure that Trina was about to unleash.
“For one. You are an idiot! A handsome, stupid idiot!”
“Ok,” Spencer winced, willing to take whatever abuse Trina wanted to heap upon him.
“Two! I am not engaged to Kai Taylor! I rejected his proposal, because I didn’t love him like that! He’s long gone now! I couldn’t let go of what I had with you, so I told him no and he’s probably on his way to DC by now!”
“What? He’s gone? He’s leaving you and your daughter? What a jackass…”
“Shut up! Listen! Three. I am not Tabyana’s mother! Just like you’re not Ace’s father! She’s my sister. I’m just on babysitting duty!”
Spencer blinked several times, not sure if he heard correctly. “Wait...what was that? That baby is…”
“My baby sister. My mom and Curtis conceived a baby before they divorced. There was another paternity drama, but thankfully, that was sorted before Taby turned twenty.”
“Wow...I...I don’t know what to say...I mean...I feel embarrassed. I just assumed…”
“Well, Spencer. You know what they say about assuming,” Trina shook her head. “So now that you know that I’m not engaged, nor am I a baby momma, what’s your excuse now?”
Spencer’s shoulders drooped as he bowed his head. “You had seemed happy and at peace Trina. I just didn’t want to disturb that. Bring conflict and complications into your life once again. I felt that you were better off without me.”
“Didn’t you think that I had a choice in any of that, Spencer? Didn’t you think that I would rather have you and all the complications that come with you than not to have you at all? Or are you like Kai and think that you know my feelings and what’s best for me better than I do?!”
“It’s not like that, Trina! You know that I believe in you! That you’re capable of making your own decisions and doing whatever you have set your mind to! After all, it was because of you that we got rescued in Greenland. It’s just...you’ve suffered so much because of me...I just didn’t want you to suffer anymore...even if it meant giving you up completely. I would rather you be safe and secure and loved, and not see you again, instead of being in your life and bringing danger and insecurity along with me!”
“God, I’m so angry with you, Spencer! Joss shouldn’t have to tell you to come see me! You should have done that yourself!”
“I know…look. If you want me to go, I will. I won’t bother you again. I just...I don’t know…”
“So you do want to leave me for good,” Trina glared at him, the tears clear in her voice.
“What? No! Of course I don’t! But I don’t want to force my presence on you if you want me to go! I guess…I guess I’m leaving the choice up to you. Something I should have done from the start.”
Trina stood there, the tears in her eyes streaming down her cheeks. The ache in her chest was nearly unbearable, but she stood strong. She was so angry with Spencer, more angry than she had ever been before, but she couldn’t bring herself to send him away. Just the thought of him walking out of her life for good threatened to send her to her knees.
“I don’t know what to do with you, Spencer. I am so angry with you...but...I don’t want you to leave. If you leave, you’d probably take that as me wanting you gone for good, and I’ll never see you again!”
“Trina...I’m not going anywhere. If you want a few days to yourself, I’ll give that to you...But I won’t leave Port Charles. I promise. I won’t leave town unless you really don’t want me anymore.”
Trina sank back down onto her chair and stared at her hands. “I certainly don’t want you to leave town. That’s for sure. But...the few days of space….that’s a good idea. But no bouquet of flowers this time.”
Spencer felt clear relief wash through him. She wasn’t kicking him out of her life altogether, even though he probably deserved that. “Alright...I can do that. Just know that it was never my intention to hurt you, Trina. I was just trying to spare you more pain.”
“I know.”
“I...I’ll go now. I...I’ll be at my grandmothers, I guess...when you’re ready to talk.”
Trina paused for a second, then gave an accepting nod. “That’s a good idea. I just...I just need space to be angry Spencer. You’ve really hurt me this time…”
“Trina…”
“But I don’t want you gone for good. I just want some space.”
Spencer nodded, understanding, feeling sad, but relieved. “I understand. I’ll give you space and time. I won’t push. You won’t have to worry about finding me sleeping outside your door this time.”
Trina couldn’t help but laugh at the memory. “Thank you…”
“Well...I’ll go now. I’ll see you soon. Hopefully then, we can discuss...the future.”
“I’d like that,” Trina simply stated. She watched him head for the door, his head bowed. Her heart ached at the sight...a sight she had never dreamed that she’d see again. “Spencer…”
He turned around, hope in his eyes. “Yes?”
“I love you. I couldn’t let you go, not after all this time.”
“I love you too, Trina. I couldn’t let you go either...I was a fool to think I would be able to.”
“You were…but you’re my fool, and you never stay that way for long.”
Trina couldn’t help herself. She got back to her feet, rushed into his arms, and pulled him into a passionate kiss. She was still angry, but she needed to show him that the love that they shared, it hadn’t gone anywhere and most likely never would. Not for her anyway. It was a tiny sneeze from Taby that pulled them apart.
“Looks like someone wants your attention,” Spencer smiled, keeping his arms around her, savoring the moment. An hour ago, he had been certain that he would never hold Trina in his arms again, but now here she was, right where she was meant to be, always.
Trina laughed and pulled out of his arms to go check on her baby sister. “She’s jealous. Someone should tell her to go find her own Cassadine prince.”
“We should introduce her to Ace. That way, he’ll have a Robinson girl of his own and will stop trying to steal mine.”
Trina smiled, rather amused. “You’re wanting to give my mom a heart attack, aren’t you?”
“Her head would explode,” Spencer chuckled, then grew serious. “With Ace in Ireland, she probably won’t have to worry much about that.”
Trina gave a sad smile. “He’ll be back, Spencer, and he’ll be so happy to see his big brother again. You know, it’s funny. I said that I understood your need to be there for Ace, but I didn’t really. Not until Taby came into my life. Now I understand you perfectly
“She’s so small and helpless. You just want to take care of her. Protect her from everything.”
Trina froze, then sniffed. It had been so long since someone just got her like this. Without even trying. “You always got me, Spencer. You never had to try.”
“Of course. Just like you had always gotten me…”
“I do...it doesn’t make my anger go away though.”
“Of course not. Only space will do that...and it’s time I gave you that space. I’ll see you later, Trina. Nice to meet you, Taby,” Spencer smiled at the baby, who gave him a toothless grin back.
“No surprise, she likes you,” Trina chuckled.
“Of course. What’s not to like?” Spencer chuckled before turning to make his way out of the gallery, feeling a lot more at peace than he had when he first entered.
“Taby...one fact of life you should know about now. Boys are stupid...but they can also be wonderful. Loving them, even when they mess up, it’s always worth it.”
For the first time in two years, Trina truly felt at peace. She was still angry, but just knowing that Spencer was alive after all, and still wanted to be with her, it filled her with a peace and happiness that she hadn’t felt in a long time. She was so grateful that he had decided to come to her instead of leaving. This way, they had a future together, a future that looked to be full of possibilities.