Chapter Text
Clancy was heavy. He got heavier by the day, and now, by the second that Torch carried him across the frozen ground to the med tent.
When had Clancy gotten so heavy?
When had the Torchbearer become so weak?
Torch pushed open the flap of the tent, Clancy shivering in his arms. He was shirtless, after all, and soaked, half covered in water and in blood. His nose was still slowly expelling blood, the river running over his lips and off the side of his chin.
Torch sighed. He was so exhausted. It had been one night after another with Clancy the last few days. Some nights he woke up screaming. That at least Torch knew how to handle. He could gather Clancy, comfort him, slow his breathing with some back rubs and a warm cup of tea. It didn't fix Clancy permanently, but it surely helped Torch maintain his fantasy that he was competent. Patient. Capable of caring for Clancy. Capable of holding it all together with no help.
Formidible. The Torchbearer scoffed. An ill-fitting word for an ill-fitting man.
Other nights, like tonight, Torch was a brew of emotions that were impossible to separate. So instead, he focused on the task at hand.
Strip Clancy out of his cold, soaked pajamas. Find the largest towel he can, wrap Clancy up in it. Give him a cloth to hold over the bleeding and say a silent prayer to anyone listening that he can hold it to his nose while Torch tends to other things.
Go outside, draw buckets of water. Pour bucket after bucket into the tub, filling it. Bring in kindling. Start and stoke the small fire under the tub, heating it. Make sure it is no longer freezing.
No one is there to help him. No one ever is.
Make sure Clancy is still breathing.
Clancy is crying now.
Torch is gone, the Torchbearer has appeared. The Torchbearer doesn't know what to do with tears, doesn't know what part of the brain or body to touch or open up to make them stop. To make the cause of them stop. To be able to move on. To be able to be free.
Josh might have known. Josh's heart breaks because he is sure all of the reassurance or care in the world is never going to heal these wounds. Josh beats his fist against the floor at that. Josh wishes he got to cry while a tub was prepped for him.
The Torchbearer is humiliated by the thought.
The Torchbearer scoops Clancy into his arms. He dumps him into the water, slamming him down harder than is fair.
Josh cringes. Clancy whimpers.
Patience, Josh tries to tell the Torchbearer.
I'm exhausted, the Torchbearer responds.
The Torchbearer takes a breath. If he is exhausted, Clancy must be worse. And now he's soaked, and may not understand why.
The Torchbearer runs his hands along Clancy's shoulders, through his hair, trying to comfort him.
"You're okay," he says. "You're safe. It's just me."
Clancy looks up at him, eyes watery.
"I know, F-, I know."
Blood roars in the Torchbearers ears. He hates that Clancy can't see him. He's taken his bandana off. He's - he's as him as he can be. And yet all Clancy can see is Nico.
Josh could cry, he's pounding at the ribcage of the Torchbearer.
"Clancy," the Torchbearer says, trying to keep the edge from creeping into his voice. He had tried to dissuade Clancy from seeing him as Nico one already. He wanted to have patience. He wanted to be the strong, solid, unaffected wall that everyone saw him to be.
Clancy saw right through him. He always could. His eyes struggled up to meet the Torchbearer's, searching. The shift was small, almost imperceptible to someone who knew Clancy less. But Clancy found what he was looking for. The tears and the blood still ran, but Josh stilled his beating on the Torchbearer's ribcage. Clancy saw.
"I know," Clancy repeated. He looked down, seeing himself in the tub and understanding it for almost the first time. He shrunk, like a child, making himself smaller in his shame. The Torchbearer had seen Clancy naked plenty of times, and vice versa. The Torchbearer beat down the frustration that often accompanied Clancy's shame. Didn't Clancy see? That his shame was one more obstacle in the Torchbearer being allowed to help.
Josh shrivels inside as well, knowing full well were their positions reversed, he would sink into the water, hoping to never be heard from again. Josh wants to tell Clancy he is brave for keeping his head above the waves, for reaching for the line that he was throwing.
He also wants to tell him to just fucking grab the line.
"I'm sorry," Clancy's voice was small as the Torchbearer continued to slowly massage his head, running the warm water up over his shoulders. "I forgot- I don't know where I am, sometimes," he looked up at the Torchbearer. "It's scary."
If Josh heard Clancy apologize for what was happening in his head one more time, he was going to scream.
If all the Torchbearer could come up with the respond was, "I know, I'm so sorry Clancy," one more time, he might scream.
If Torch had to be caught in the middle again, he was going to weep.
The force might just rip him in equal thirds. All equally ill equipped.
"I know," the Torchbearer said, cupping Clancy's cheek. "I can't even imagine." He could.
"I'm here, and you're here now, and you're safe." Clancy nodded, leaning his head into the Torchbearer's hand. Clancy kissed the palm of Josh's hand. He always seemed to know which parts were Josh reaching out. The Torchbearer stroked his thumb over Clancy's skin. It was always so soft, no matter how hard life was. The Torchbearer envied Clancy's ability to be soft.
His hand drifted lower, and his thumb caught in the trail of blood running out of Clancy's nose.
"You're bleeding," he said, his anxiety returning to high alert. How had he not stopped the bleeding?
Without thinking of the consequence (Clancy was not the only one with the tendency, Josh thought), the Torchbearer removed his hand from Clancy's cheek. Clancy wimpered at the lost, chasing the Torchbearer's hand until his eyes widened in surprise when he found the Torchbearer's finger up his nose.
The bleeding needed to stop. Clancy needed to heal. The Torchbearer hadn't had magic in the past, but maybe that could change. Maybe with enough love, and enough willpower, and just enough pressure to the cut, the Torchbearer could cauterize the wound and stop it from ever opening again.
Wasn't the power of love supposed to be enough? Hadn't Josh been meant to be enough?
In losing himself in his thoughts, the Torchbearer also had lost Clancy. When the Torchbearer focused again, Clancy's eyes were glassy, almost unseeing. His chest wasn't moving.
Clancy was holding his breath.
He reached up to grip the Torchbearer's wrist. The Torchbearer expected him to try to pull his hand out, but instead he just clung on, looking at the Torchbearer with trust, tinged with sadness.
"I'm glad," Clancy gasped out. "I'm glad he never saw me like this."
Who? Josh cries. Me, or him?
And with that Clancy's head lulled to the side. He started breathing again, having lost consciousness, but the sudden change in weight caused him to slide away from the Torchbearer and into the tub below.
"NO!" Josh cried. He scrabbled at the edge of the tub, reaching in, soaking his own sleeves and front, in an attempt to gain purchase on Clancy's underarms, to pull him up. He was successful, hauling Clancy out of the tub and on top of himself. He flipped Clancy onto his back, pumping his chest to expel any of the water he might have inhaled. That the Torchbearer might as well have shoved into Clancy's trusting lungs himself.
Clancy spluttered, turning onto his side and coughing up the remaining water.
Somehow, the near death experience seemed to have cleared him. His eyes were alert, and unafraid.
The Torchbearer breathed a sigh of relief. Josh tries not to let himself worry about the implications.
Clancy smiled up at the Torchbearer, his wet hand coming to meet the Torchbearer's equally wet cheek. He had begun crying in his panic, and not even realized it. Clancy's thumb swiped back and forth, mostly just succeeding in getting the Torchbearer's whole face wet.
Clancy let out a snort. "I'm not being much help, am I?" he said, a wry smile contorting his features.
The Torchbearer shook his head. "No, I'm afraid not." He wished he could feel the joy he saw trying to dawn on Clancy's face. He tried to will it there, to match Clancy. It would not come.
Josh sighs. Maybe one day.
Clancy pulled himself into a seated position. He looked down, it dawning on him for the first time that he was naked. He seemed not to care. The Torchbearer got him his towel anyway.
"Where's yours?" Clancy asked, draping the towel over himself. The Torchbearer furrowed his brow. His what?
"Your towel, Josh," Clancy said. "You're soaked."
"Doesn't matter," the Torchbearer mumbled. Josh really wishes he could be dry right now.
Clancy frowned. "It does matter," he said, moving to kneel and taking the towel off his lap. Gingerly, he began to pat the Torchbearer dry. It wasn't very effective, but the Torchbearer felt himself warming and melting under Clancy's gaze anyway. Clancy reached the Torchbearer's face, framing it in the towel. He leaned in, and gave the Torchbearer three kisses.
"This one," he said, kissing the Torchbearer's right cheek, "is for the Torchbearer. And this one," he moved over the bridge of the Torchbearer's nose, to the left cheek, "is for Torch. And finally," Clancy's lips met Josh's, "this one is for Josh," he breathed against Josh's lips, before softly kissing him a fourth time.
He pulled back, satisfied with his work, although the Torchbearer - Josh - was barely any the drier.
"Come on," Clancy said, unsteadily bringing himself to stand and offering his hand to the Torchbearer. "Let's go home."
The Torchbearer looked up at him. "You're naked," he observed. Clancy merely wiggled his eyebrows.
"Yes, Josh. But you shouldn't do anything about my state of undress here," he paused, giggling as Josh stuck out his tongue at Clancy.
"Let's go home," Clancy said again, tugging the Torchbearer to his feet. The Torchbearer allowed himself to be pulled. He allowed himself to give up some of his weight, even if just for a moment. The Torchbearer wrapped the towel around Clancy's waist.
"Always."