Chapter Text

Chapter 4 - Old Foundations

Obnubilation

Dumbledore's rage was silent and cold. It would have scared Severus to the core, if he was still himself. Still "Severus". With this mind-invading parasite, he wasn't alone in his head anymore. He was two but also one. Though the equivalent of "Trinity" for two beings, "Duality" didn't quite cut it as it implied they were two in his mind, like a Yin and Yang. In this office, was proceeding the completion of the birth of a new being from two wholes, and the Headmaster was unaware of it.

Oh sure, he scanned Severus' soul for the majority of their meeting. Last time Dumbledore had tried, he'd met the void shields and distorting mirrors of the only Master Occlumens in the world who could lie to Tom Riddle in his face. What did the Headmaster see now? What could he make of the hurricane in Snape's soul that froze him in place, mute and virtually blind?

Could souls merge? Was it another way to destroy a soul, to fuse it with another one for the creation of a new being?

The office wasn't silent to Severus' ears, overwhelmed with the chaos of assimilating a being from another world that possessed as much omniscience as curiosity led to. The Path to Victory. An absurd ability given to a fallible, sinful living being called a Homo Sapiens Sapiens.

Dumbledore was the greatest wizard of the current world and had his place amongst the most proficient of History.

Path to Victory was out of his league.

It was all Snape's now.

Dizzy.

It was every mortal's secret dream. The power to do anything in this world where literal magic existed — the ultimate excuse to explain why something happened in spite of the rules of the tangible universe and common sense.

But Severus' ecstasy was short-lived. Because when he thought of what he wished for, what were his wildest dreams, that this time could come true…

All of them realized, what would be left?

He'd long gone through the teenage phase of existential crisis. Maybe that had been possible because he used to be limited. Maybe because there still was challenge. The symbiote becoming him, with its otherworldly definition of essence and time and individuality, what was left to live for?

His purpose… was none. He used to have one.

When one could go to hell or paradise only through the veils of death — no turning back.

They were realms unlike any other ; no mere dimension or any tangible place. No matter.

If Severus wanted, he could go meet Lily there.

Or the Potter gang. (Minus Sirius.)

And then go back to the mortal world.

Arrival. (But it wasn't about seeing fate in the loop of time.)

The Path to Victory naturally led to omniscience and near-omnipotence, at least in this world. Anything that was possible in this fantasy world was at his reach. All his wishes were to come true, he saw how and when, and how easy it would be. In that sense, he'd already won life. In that sense, nothing mattered anymore. All of the previous goals he'd set for his life accomplished, what would be left of him? What would drive him? and where?

Severus found it amusing to realize Dumbledore was no longer seething but… terrified. A rare sight. For a split second he thought that Dumbledore was scared to finally see, in the flesh, an opponent that he could never defeat. But no: the reason was far more practical.

It had been half an hour that Severus stared into emptiness, unbound by reality. Unresponsive, to be explicit. Anyone would find it creepy. And Dumbledore didn't want to lose his spy, did he? He was wondering if Severus had been possessed. If the Dementors had broken his soldier. Because, as unsettling the Potions Master took care to be around most, he'd never purposefully stand still like that… he would never have dared, never have managed it in Dumbledore's presence, and why would he do it? What was happening? and what should he do?

"There are some things you cannot control, Headmaster. And that's okay. Let it go.

"Let me go."

The flight of black robes, and the door closed shut.

He wasn't just disconnected from reality, he was above it. Barely part of the blur of existence, only thanks to his dual nature. His magic was on overclock, constantly repairing his brain as it took in the enormity of the universe.

Halloween.

The day Sirius was no more.

The day Lily was gone.

Severus had nearly followed suit. Twelve years later, "Severus" was no more.

Lily…. No, her son, Harry. Standing in front of him. Unsure, angry, scared. Severus focused on the present for a moment.

"Even if it wasn't exactly by your hand, your wish was granted. And it will happen again. You've never been brave enough to thank your personal enemies for protecting you. But you will, one day, far away. In the midst of your regrets. I'll be long gone. It's funny how one never truly appreciates something until they've lost it. Can we forgive the apology born from the wish we didn't come to harm by our mistake? I won't. I'm not a toy. I used to be a human like you. You'll never appreciate me for the person I was. This story is not one of love. Look elsewhere if that is what you seek for."

A wide grin on his face, Severus chuckled.

"Yes. There's a first time for everything."

Oh, how had he not noticed? Those muffled sounds, in this particular corridor — were sobs coming from Lupin's office.

The human inside him was still producing feelings. He looked down again. And twisted the knife.

"Wonder why Professor Lupin is crying the death of Sirius Black? You heard what that man did. You know who he was. What will you choose, your heart or mind? Of course, one must know we're actually talking about the same thing in us sentient living beings. The better way to know is to seek for yourself. Curiosity drives you, and you want to be brave. Luckily for you, the task is simple. Ask him by yourself. Ask him what that means. And remember… silence is golden.

"Language, Weasley."

"What the h— Wha—H—How—"

Pop.

Lily Potter.

Severus stood in front of the statue. Nearby, there was her tomb, her corpse. He hadn't looked inside the casket, he didn't need to. She was magical, but she too obeyed the rules of death; Lily was no more than a skeleton. Tom Riddle was afraid of his nature as a mortal human. His lack of empathy protected him from imagining himself in her shoes for a moment. Empathy might have been the death of him.

The house. The birthing place of Severus Snape's worst nightmare. Though a tear dropped on the calcined wood, most of his emotions, he found, were quelled.

Had it been worth it?

For her.

Why her? Just another casualty of war, and he was the collateral victim. What was so special about her? He couldn't remember. Who was she? He'd never truly known. One could never know the other fully, not even oneself; but Snape had never come close to understanding who she truly was. Only what he made up: "Lily" had been the personification of the best of him.

Knowing in theory couldn't suffice. For a human, some things could only be understood by personal experience.

He had to see for himself.

Really see, this time.

One step forward, down the teardrop. Taking a plunge, memories as an anchor.

Leaving in his absence the flapping wings of ethereal butterflies.

Who were you?

To me?

Why did it matter?

Why does it matter that I want to find it back?

My love for you?

Lily, tiny Lily, blonde-haired and blue-eyed like her sister, had been reading a book for children on witches. By sheer fact she wanted it and believed in it, she bewitched her hair and eyes to look like those on the pictures. To look special and, later, outstanding. Deep red hair and bright green eyes, suffused with magic.

When her parents will be back home from their week holiday trip, they won't think much of it. Children often changed hair and eye color with age. Besides, they'll prefer to thank God for having such a beautiful child. They'll boast over her too.

Severus had forgotten this secret. Who could blame him? The boy he spotted hiding behind the tree was only 9 years-old. Rehearsing how he'd introduce himself to her, the bringer of truth and — he hoped — her best friend.

They could be best friends. A dream that came true, for once. Even if not for long.

Lily and Snape will be best friends for 6 years. He will love her for three times longer after this friendship finally breaks apart.

So what was it, that made him bear torture for the chance to be seen?

"Lily?"

Her face softened a bit when she turned her head from James to his. Fourteen year-old, fifth-year Severus Snape had been waiting with her before her Defense of the Dark Arts class, on his free time.

"What is it?"

It turns out, his memories weren't yellowed because that's what his human brain associated with images of the past. The walls of Hogwarts truly bathed in golden light, and the windows were white with the sun's brightness. It was a warm day.

He would come to dread the warm days; seek the refuge of damp and darkness. Warm days, hot colors, those were of the Gryffindors. Of all the bad times.

Had it been worth it?

His mouth was left open for a while. He didn't know what to ask, because there was nothing she could say that he wouldn't already know.

But it was a shock, to see it, with these new eyes: Lily was like any other. One of the girls. Just one in billions. She was unique, for sure. But everyone was unique. So why?

At least she wasn't one of the teens shrieking when the Potter gang was knocked unconscious against the classroom door. Her eyes sufficed to convey her shock. Traveling from his raised, open palm to his eyes back again.

If there was nothing to ask, there at least was to tell.

"…Forgive me. But I wouldn't have it any other way."

She blinked.

"You certainly could have not resorted to violence! They didn't attack you this time! Really Sev! How do you expect them to stop if you give in to their provocations?"

They weren't even speaking the same language anymore.

Severus detached his eyes from her. He closed them, tears sliding down his cheeks. His arms dropped. Snape was mourning. Whatever had been left of his love for her, was now extinguished. It hurt, the void in his heart.

She was unique, but she wasn't special.

Lost in time, lost in his mind, lost in the very purpose of this tale.

He found himself in Lily's warm rose-scented embrace.

"Please don't cry. I don't blame you that much to be honest. I kept thinking of getting back at them. I guess, they asked for it. But I'm worried, you know? Please be careful for next time. They'll want revenge."

"And yet I'll survive."

She chuckled. Pulling apart, she smiled, candid.

"That, you always do!"

The door opened; Severus had left before the teacher could register what had happened.

"Bye, Sev!"