Chapter Text
Spock was pacing. Spock didn't pace, not usually. That behavior was more in line with Pike's method of releasing stress, not his. Spock usually meditated, but with everything swarming around in his mind, he couldn't focus. He realized that he would only be able to meditate effectively once this event had reached a definitive conclusion- one Spock couldn't even begin to calculate for.
Nearly an entire decade. That's how long they've known each other, and they've been close for nearly as long. Spock had thought back after finally putting a word to the emotions he felt, and had realized (to his own disbelief) that his interest in Pike had begun nearly two years prior. Two years unable to name what he felt, even to himself...
They've served countless missions together, half of which were dangerous, and yet this felt like the true defining moment. For what, it was hard to say.
In spite of everything, he could be certain of one thing...
...That he had not played chess in quite a while.
Chris had (hopefully) arrived just in time to avoid letting Spock panic too much. The door was opened, and Pike smiled to Spock. "Hey! I've just gotta put these in the kitchen and then we can play. Sound good?" He lightly gestured to the bags he was carrying in before letting himself head to the kitchen. Spock's apartment wasn't small by any means- but, true to most Vulcan architecture, there weren't a lot of walls unless they were needed. So the kitchen and the general area were in a sort of undefined space of being the same room on a technical level.
Which, of course, meant no chance to take a breather before re-entering the somehow incredibly tense atmosphere that's been created. I mean, christ- he knew Vulcans apparently couldn't sweat (lucky bastards) but Spock could very easily throw that factoid into myth from how nervous he seemed. Why was he so nervous? It was just him- had he done something wrong? Something to upset him?
No. No, that's.. that wouldn't line up. Spock knows he can tell him anything.
Right?
Spock had set the board nearly 20 minutes prior. He'd essentially used those 20 minutes Vulcan-panicking, disorganizing then reorganizing his things, then Vulcan-panicking again. When Chris finally arrived, he took a deep breath. Usually, when he found himself with Chris, he was met with reassurance, calm, and occasionally, the remnants of some sort of seasoning (a sensory-based observation rather than an emotional one, he thought), and while that was still true, he found his anxiety was outweighing any amount of comfort his presence may have otherwise brought.
He held his hands behind his back as he stood- a nervous habit, he'd decided, after finding himself doing it so many times in a number of uncomfortable situations. But Chris was anything but uncomfortable.
"You are in no rush. We have- what is it humans like to say? 'All the time in the world.'" While he could argue about how nonsensical that phrase was even at its very core, he decided against it. He took his own seat in front of the chess board.
The sound of the cabinets shutting signalled Chris returning to the living area. He sat down opposite to Spock, observing the board.
He gave a gentle smile to Spock. “I see you’re playing black.” Chris wasn’t too sure about Spock’s usual preferences, but it was clear that at least this time, he was giving Chris the advantage. “You know, you don’t have to go easy on me. An honest game’s a good game, no matter who wins.”
Just have fun, he reminded himself. Just have an interesting time with an interesting person. And Chris was indeed an interesting person, that much was certain.
“With that, we are in agreement, but do not misunderstand. I do not plan on ‘going easy’ on you, Captain.”
Was that a smile he saw on Spock's face?
Chris made the first move: Queen’s pawn to e4. For an aggressive starter, the King’s pawn might’ve been a better pick- but Chris wasn’t going for aggressive here. He was going for open.
Spock responded with a rook’s pawn to h5. Simple, steering to the side, but still moving two paces instead of one.
He stayed quiet, keeping his focus on the game and nothing else. Not the way Chris shifted in his chair, not the way he smiled by near default, and definitely not the way he could see the gears in his head turning to make his next move. Because if he did, he’d start thinking about what that next move might be, trying to predict it for himself.
Chris went with moving his horse’s pawn to b3, only one pace. “Have you been feeling better, Spock?” He decided it was too quiet. It didn’t want to leave Spock alone with his thoughts. “Since the attack, I mean. I’ve seen how well you can hide injuries.” He didn’t like that about him, the hiding-wounds part. It was harder to help someone when they wouldn’t let you know they needed it. But he always kept the offer open, outside of medical help- Chris was no doctor, after all.
Spock raised an eyebrow to him. “I have been recovering normally. Doctor McCoy’s assistance proved to be very helpful.”
Spock moved his horse to h6, sitting just below his pawn. It was hard to tell if there was a plan here, but whatever it was, it was staying in a straight line.
“I wasn’t just talking about the injuries, Spock. You- You saw Angel again. And after what happened last time, I-“ Chris sighed. “I wasn’t sure how easy it would be to get you back.” Chris just moved the pawn from his last move one space forward to b4.
Spock paused. He almost seemed to tense up at that. He didn’t look up at Chris, but he could tell he was most likely frowning. He wished he could tell him. Not just about Angel, but about so much. But he couldn’t, for one reason or another. “We are lucky, then, that this encounter was indeed an easy one.”
Spock moved his horse to f5.
Maybe that was the wrong move. Chris hesitated, but took Spock’s move as a sign of easiness. “Luck is a strong word coming from you, Mr. Spock. I thought you didn’t believe in it.” He took Spock’s horse with his pawn now sitting comfortably at f5.
“But you do.” Spock moved another pawn to g6. “Is that not reason enough to indulge the idea?”
Chris took that pawn next. He smiled. “Well, I guess I’m flattered, but don’t change your opinions just because of me.”
“Why not?” Spock followed by taking his pawn with another in return, now resting at g6 once more. “You have proven more than willing to change your mind after hearing another’s perspective, have you not?”
Shit. He was right, there. Pike didn’t have an argument for that, so he just laughed and shook his head. “Got me there, Spock.” Chris decided it might be best to leave that side of the board for just a while, moving his king’s pawn to d4.
Spock moved his other horse’s pawn to b6, likely making room for his bishop.
Silence again, it seemed. Chris moved a pawn to a4. Spock’s moved to a5. Chris captured Spock’s from b4, now to a5. Spock retaliated with his b6 pawn taking Pike’s.
“You weren’t kidding when you said you weren’t going easy on me, were you?” Perhaps they were doing too much with the pawns. Chris moved his bishop over to a3.
Spock seemed to agree, though just testing the waters, moving his rook to h7. “You said you wished for an honest game.”
Chris moved his other bishop to d3. "That, I did. But still, you seem.. tense."
He didn't want to assume the worst. If Spock had suddenly become uncomfortable with him, he didn't want to force him to spend time with him. He hoped it was something else. "..Is it about Angel?"
Spock glanced up at Chris. He regretted it as soon as their eyes met.
In most cases, they would look to each other without words on the bridge, either for reassurance or comfort. But that was usually when danger was involved, and fast choices had to be made. But now, here, they could stay like this for hours and nothing would go horribly wrong because of their inaction. No one would die because they lingered a second too long, or hesitated and moved a moment too late.
But perhaps it was simple pattern recognition, because he felt he couldn’t allow himself that hesitation. Even when all the attention from those grayish-green eyes were on him, and nothing else. Even if he wanted to savor that. He turned away again.
“…Partially. Though currently, they are only a fragment of my concerns.” He kept his eyes glued to the chessboard, the transparent platforms being held up by similarly see-through supports, all connected to the bottom platform holding it all together. He convinced himself that it was a very fascinating contraption, if only to get his mind off of everything else.
Spock moved his rook to f7.
Chris tilted his head, still keeping his eyes on Spock. Trying to discern what he was thinking. “..And the other part..?”
He had to admit, he’d been nervous to ask. But at this point, it’d be worse if he didn’t. Chris captured Spock’s pawn at g6, now in direct line of both his rook.. and his queen. That was definitely a bold move. He rested his hands on the table, looking earnestly at the Vulcan.
“You.”
It’d slipped out of Spock before he could think to speak. He glanced up at Pike again. He felt vulnerable. He wanted to feel vulnerable, but he hated it at the same time. He remembered what happened the last time he let himself open up, the last time he let someone in. The last time he trusted someone so fully.
But Chris was beyond trust- Spock had already given him all of it. There was nothing he could do, even if he wanted to. He trusted him with his life, and would likely follow him into a devastating black hole if Chris ever asked him to. It might’ve been illogical, but nothing about this was ever logical in the first place. Even this interaction was founded on assumptions and guesses, things Spock had always found himself avoiding at all costs.
Spock blinked, looked back to the board, and tried to correct himself- or at the very least elaborate. “My thoughts, as of late, have been concerning.. you, in particular.”
He feared telling him any more, in case he might let something else slip out without his permission. So he waited, moving his pawn to h4.
There it was.
His heart sunk in his chest- sank? It didn’t matter either way. There was a problem.
Chris let out a deep breath. He avoided pursuing Spock’s queen or rook for now, instead moving a pawn to d5.
“Spock, we’ve…” he began. “We’ve known each other for years. I mean, I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve relied on you for- for advice, reassurance, answers, you name it.“ He leaned forward to rest his hands on the table again. “It’s time I return the favor. Spock, if there’s.. anything you want to tell me, anything at all- I’ll listen. I don’t want you to have to carry anything on your own. You deserve to have someone to share that weight.” Even if it’s about me, he thought.
Now Spock was distracted. Not just by his words, though those were very much capable of making his stomach flip- but by his hands. Maybe he’d been thinking about them too much lately (he absolutely had been), but Pike’s hands had always been a point of admiration. Though, that was true for any aspect of Chris. His eyes, his voice, his smile, his laugh—
It didn’t make sense outside of his culture. But Chris knew about that, at least vaguely. And for the most part, it was easy to ignore. It was entirely dependent on context. A mind meld was not inherently romantic, but it was how bonds were formed; through the hands.
He recalled how it felt when Chris covered Spock’s hand with his own, guiding him in petting the horse. He remembered the sudden wave of thoughts and emotions transferring to him through his fingertips- not enough to be overwhelming, but enough to catch him off guard.
...And there he went thinking too much again.
Spock forced himself back into the present, locking eyes with Chris. "...That is precisely my predicament, Captain. I am unsure of how to articulate it- or if articulating it at all is the right move." He absentmindedly moved another piece, "Our friendship is not something I wish to break."
He let out a breath of relief he hadn't even realised he'd been holding in. He quickly moved another piece, any one of them really- to turn attention back to him. "If it's any help, I can promise you nothing you say is gonna break that."
Maybe it was a bold move, or maybe it was just Chris acting out of instinct, but he reached a hand out for Spock's. He didn't take it, not yet, but he wanted to at least provide some sort of comfort, some sort of knowledge that he wasn't lying. "I promise, Spock."
Spock‘s eyes widened a bit. Why was he offering his hand? Did he not—
No. No, he knew. He was sure he knew. So did that mean-?
He reached out - hesitantly, as always - and met his hand with his own.
He made another move on the board. “..It is a.. recent revelation. About a number of things. Myself. My home. The Enterprise. ..And, as I mentioned, you.”
"You're keeping me in suspense here." Chris joked, but immediately recalled that thing about Vulcans, and- well, he didn't deny his offer. That.. was a good sign, right?
Chris made another move on the board- at this point, he wasn't even sure if he was playing properly, he'd lost track a minute ago- and held Spock's hand gently from across the table.
It had taken a couple turns, but suddenly, Spock started making offensive moves, taking Pike's bishop and rook with the same bishop. "I do not believe it is something I would have come to realize on my own. As such, I can conclude that, in our future, I never find the words to tell you this."
Chris took it with his horse, settling the conflict at a3. "So tell me now, while we're still in the present." God, was he doing this on purpose? Was he just stalling? Chris could almost guess what it was now, but he didn't want to get his hopes up. And he didn't want to act without knowing for certain.
Spock’s horse captured Pike’s at h4. There was too much anxious energy. He knew for certain that *had* to be getting through to him through the contact. He couldn't wait any longer. He internally tried to argue with his heart, to urge it to reconsider or maybe reschedule at the very least. He felt like he would burst into flames if he had to say it right now, to lay his heart out bare right in this moment.
The heart, however, is an organ, and does not care for Spock's pleas for mercy. "...Captain-"
He forced himself to look up at him, and corrected himself. "...Chris. You have.. always brought great comfort to me. I would not wish to have anyone else as my Captain, or my closest friend." He tightened his own grip on the other's hand. His voice was just above a whisper now. "...But, as of recent, I have come to realize that having you as my captain and my friend is not enough. At least, not anymore. And perhaps I am selfish for wanting more."
He hadn't even realized he'd started shaking, hand trembling to hold his fingers to Chris's in an offer for an ozh'esta- if Chris would take it.
He peeled his eyes away from him, looking down. "..I believe I may be. infatuated with you, Chris."
Pike’s pawn was about to capture that same horse just a turn later when he finally said it. Okay, now he wished he'd let himself get his hopes up because despite everything, he somehow still wasn't prepared for the real thing. But christ was the real thing absolutely worth it.
Chris could never bring himself to say it first. No matter how badly he wanted to- he couldn't. He was his Captain, for god's sake- he couldn't- trying anything would be seen as an abuse of power. He almost wanted to quit when he realized how he felt, just so maybe, maybe-
..And he could still never say it first. He needed to know that Spock felt the same way, he needed to know it came from him and not just out of some obligation-
And now that he did, he just..
Well, he couldn't help the smile that overtook his face. He did his best to return that ozh'esta- he hoped he was doing it properly. But he wanted to hear it from him one more time.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Spock.. Could you repeat that?"
His blood rushed to his face as he looked up at Chris with wide eyes. He.. didn't say no, and that- he- He was smiling.
There was no way he was repeating that again. He figured he didn't have to.
Spock disregarded the game entirely, hastily knocking it over as he jumped out of his seat to pull him in for a kiss.
It didn't matter who won at this point. The game was inconsequential. The outcome, anything but.
He pulled back after realizing he was shaking again. "Does that suffice for an answer..?"
And if he thought his smile couldn't get any bigger, he was so wrong. So, so wrong. "I'll take it."
Spock resisted the urge to reach for his face. A meld would have to wait for another time, despite how much he wanted to see his mind in this moment.
And of course, that brought something else to mind.
…The last time he asked this question to someone, he.. never got an answer. Unless of course, you count ‘shut up’ as an answer. Needless to say, he was nervous to ask it again, this time.
He stared up at Chris, into his eyes, and tilted his head. “..What does this mean..?”
Chris raised his hand up to hold Spock’s face. He knew he’d been hurt by this before. He’d been hurt so many times before.
Chris was going to make absolutely certain he wouldn’t get hurt again. Not like this, at least. As far as he could help it.
But he was happy just to be whatever Spock needed him to be, because no matter what, he’d be there for him.
“That depends. What do you want it to mean?”