Chapter Text
Ilya Rozanov and Troy Barrett to Ottawa hit the hockey world like a meteorite. It was unprecedented. Not only did one very high profile player switch from a well established winning team to a proverbial shit show of an organisation, there were two of them.
But it had been more than a year since then and by now it was old news. Ilya and Troy had finished their first seasons with the centaurs early and unceremoniously near the bottom of the table, with Ottawa clearly still in the “development” stage. Meanwhile Montreal glided their way towards new highs.
That summer was probably the best of Shane’s life. Two weeks of it were spent with the kids at the hockey camps, which included all of Shane’s favourite people.
There were minor spats between Hayden, who had only fairly recently figured out that Shane and Ilya’s relationship runs deeper than just casual friends, who run a charity on their days off, and Ilya, who seemed slightly insecure about Shane’s friendship, probably because that one could exist in the light of day, not just darkened corners and remote cottages.
Honestly, Troy had been a huge help corralling them both. Even though he was Ilya’s friend first he got along decently with Hayden too and would on occasion lightly kick Ilya when he was about to take it too far.
Troy’s presence also helped Hayden realise Ilya couldn’t possibly be all that bad, but only after he realised Troy himself was nothing like the media sometimes still insisted on painting him.
All in all it was a really productive time, charity and personal life wise.
Troy even managed to have a conversation with Ryan Price, who kind of seemingly forgave him; it was very awkward and slightly unclear what was really on his mind. But Shane knew how much it meant to Troy to no longer be seen as that guy.
After the camps, Troy left to see his mother and Shane and Ilya had two weeks completely to themselves, with occasional parental intrusion, that did announce itself in advance, because no one needed a repeat of that summer awkwardness.
But the summer had ended; Ilya and Troy had been back in Ottawa for just about over two months now.
This time they did opt to live separately, but still near enough, they could be considered neighbours.
Ilya and Shane saw each other every spare moment they had. They were both aware other aspects of their lives were suffering because of it, but still hoped people wouldn’t notice it.
Shane didn’t exactly love the arrangement, but it was a massive improvement from two years ago, when they could see each other maybe once or twice a month if the stars aligned and even then, they needed to engage in some pretty crafty storytelling to cover their tracks from their teams.
It wasn’t perfect, but Shane felt they were doing rather well considering the situation.
That was why he was that more surprised when Troy called him one Thursday evening after Ottawa had lost yet another game and spilled some pretty tough to swallow beans.
His voice was hushed like he was worried someone might hear him and soon it became clear that the person he was hiding the conversation from was Ilya himself.
At the moment Troy was in Ilya’s kitchen making dinner, while Ilya was supposedly taking a shower, even though he already had one at the arena.
And he was worried. Shane could hear it in his voice.
Worried that Ilya isn’t doing as well as he pretended, that he might do something stupid about it.
Because while Troy was pretty open about the frustration of non-stop losses, Ilya always put on a brave face and weathered it with a smile, even if only to make his team feel better.
Because Ilya wasn’t as fine with hiding everything that mattered to him in life as he pretended he was.
Because Troy thought Ilya might had inherited his mother’s illness.
And Shane had noticed none of it.
He wasn’t just scared, he was ashamed.
While they all knew Ottawa statistically speaking wasn’t the greatest team, it was the sacrifice Ilya and Troy were willing to make, each for his own reasons. But Shane got to stay at his Stanley Cup winning team, with all of his support, while Ilya only really had Troy and Svetlana, who was only about half in on the thing.
Shane still hadn’t met her. As far as he knew Svetlana only knew there was a guy, but no other details, because he was too scared of too many people knowing.
And Troy apparently had met a guy, a really nice guy, Harris, who worked for the team and was head over heels for him. A guy Shane hadn’t met yet, because he hadn’t met anybody from Ottawa. A guy so great Troy was seriously contemplating coming out before the end of the season, so they could love each other out loud in the light.
But Troy worried what that would do to Ilya, who was sick and tired of living in the shadows and surrounded by lies and secrets.
And it wasn’t like Shane liked it, sure at some point the sneaking around sent adrenaline through his veins that couldn’t compare to anything but maybe playing in the Stanley Cup finals, but now the two hour drive and closed curtains were exhausting.
And yet the thought of coming out was petrifying.
It could ruin their carriers and Shane was not yet willing to give up hockey.
But would he be willing to give up Ilya for hockey?
That question cut through his heart like a knife and he hated himself for not immediately knowing the answer.
He thanked Troy for letting him know and started making plans to seriously talk about it with Ilya over the up-coming Christmas break.
He wrote a list of possible discussion points, because he felt a desperate need to organise his thoughts as well as possible.
The days leading up to Christmas as well as the ride home were immensely stressful.
Shane was pretty lousy at keeping secrets from most people, but hiding things from Ilya had been near impossible ever since the tuna melt debacle, that still made him feel like the biggest moron to ever exist every time he thought of it.
He wanted to talk to Ilya before they went over to his parents’ but in the end with the lack of time and Ilya’s masterful diversions they found themselves around the dining table, without actually discussing anything.
Now that Shane knew something was off, he couldn’t believe he missed it.
The way Ilya sometimes seemed to not be completely present in the moment or masterfully steered away from any topic that could be even slightly touchy for him.
It all came to a boil that evening though.
When Ilya mentioned he wanted Shane to go to Bood’s party with him.
Shane’s first reaction was to freeze in fear and say no. He could already see the heartbreak on Ilya’s face, believing Shane would turn him down and leave him in the shadows of his life once again.
He remembered what Troy had said to him.
About Ilya being lonely and sad.
It didn’t make Shane feel any less scared, but maybe this is something they could sit down and talk about, instead of rushing to hide behind the walls of secrecy.
So Shane sat down on the couch, their couch, because this was supposed to be their home.
Ilya seemed confused for a second but then followed his lead, sitting near him, but not close enough to be touching.
“Ilya, why do you want me to come with you?”
Ilya looked at him with lost eyes as if he couldn’t quite believe, Shane would ask something this obvious.
“Because I love you,” he finally said.
Shane nodded, he knew that. And he loved him back, more than he ever thought he could.
“I love you too, but can you explain to me how does this influence me coming to this party?”
Shane cringed internally, he was aiming for comforting, but somehow landed on almost pitying tone of voice. He didn’t like and he knew Ilya certainly didn’t like it. He hated appearing weak, even in front of his boyfriend.
“Because this is my team. The team I joined so I could be closer to you,” the tone didn’t sound accusing, but it probably held at least a bit of the sentiment.
“And I am hiding something so important from them. I am always hiding. And it makes me feel like I am becoming nothing.”
Shane’s heart was in pieces. He had no idea Ilya was suffering this much. He felt guilty and angry at himself for not noticing anything. For only realising after Troy Barrett dropped the information into his lap.
For a second he also felt angry at Troy, to be privy to the knowledge he had no idea about and for being able to spend time with Ilya Shane couldn’t. But that was senseless.
It wasn’t Troy’s fault and he was a good friend, taking care of Ilya because Ilya took care of him. And because Shane couldn’t,
But right now Shane could do something about this.
“I’ll go with you, tomorrow,” he said out loud before even considering what he was saying.
But he didn’t regret it seeing how Ilya’s face suddenly brightened.
It was such a beautiful thing to see.
“Maybe not as your boyfriend, but as a friend and hopefully some day, you’ll be able to tell them about us,” Shane added and hoped it wouldn’t throw Ilya right back into the dark pit of sadness.
But it didn’t. Ilya nodded, still looking overjoyed.
It was something so little and yet it made a world of difference.
Shane was nervous like hell, on the way to Bood’s house. There would be only one other person there he knew and it wasn’t really doing all that much to calm his nerves.
Ilya had reassured him multiple times, that they were all good guys and their wives as well, they wouldn’t pry and even if they knew they wouldn’t mind.
But the fact remained, Shane didn’t know them, couldn’t trust them.
And like usual things didn’t go nearly as badly as Shane had envisioned. Sure, when Ilya introduced him people were a bit surprised to see him, because despite the fact that they were publicly friendly now, it was a bit weird to bring your charity co-founder to an event like that.
But beyond the first few moments there was no further awkwardness, he was immediately accepted and given a plate of food.
No one mentioned anything about his presence or tried to speculate why he was there.
Soon enough Troy and his now boyfriend Harris appeared, because of course, Troy managed to pull his shit together way faster than Shane and Ilya ever could.
Troy introduced them and Harris was beyond nice, patiently listening to Shane blabbing about random, mostly hockey related, stuff.
Harris shared some stories too, some of them including Ilya, while Troy was basically perched on his arm, looking happier than ever.
Shane was once again overcome with the deep feeling of jealousy.
And then he realised, maybe just that was it. The time Shane and Ilya didn’t get to spend together.
Every time they saw each other, he was overjoyed and every time they had to part it felt like someone was trying to cut his heart out with a dull knife.
Shane hadn’t thought much about what he was going to do after his contract with Montreal was up. He had always kind of expected to spend his entire career there.
But was that really more important than spending time with Ilya?
He could come to Ottawa, next year.
They could be together, all the time, not just a stolen day here and there.
All Shane had to do was leave behind Montreal and suddenly it didn’t feel like that much of a sacrifice.
Later that night, when Ilya and Shane were safely wrapped around each other, Shane told him about his idea to move to Ottawa and play for the Centaurs, together.
For a moment he regretted it, feeling Ilya’s body stiffen next to him.
Did he get it wrong? Did Ilya not want him to be closer? Was Ilya not ready for it?
Or did he hate the idea of playing together?
Shane nudged Ilya’s chin so he would look him in the eyes.
Ilya was already crying and Shane didn’t think it was happy tears.
“Ilya,” he whispers, “what’s wrong? Tell me.”
“Is something I did not tell you, did not tell anybody,” Ilya said.
“Troy?” Shane asked, because surely Ilya’s best friend and the person who sees him every day would know if something important was up.
“No, he doesn’t know.”
Now Shane was getting really worried.
“I dream of her. My mother,” Ilya said at last.
Shane knew his eyes widened, but didn’t allow himself to react in any other way.
“It makes me feel not good.”
Shane knew there was more, so he simply nodded, although all that Ilya probably registered was the rustling of the sheets.
There was a full minute of silence, filled with nothing but their breaths.
“I have been meeting a therapist,” Ilya said finally, seemingly not willing to disclose any additional information.
A thousand questions exploded in Shane’s mind.
How long?
Was it that bad?
What did they say?
Is it working?
Why didn’t you tell me?
None of these would do any good right now, so Shane simply settled on “That’s great Ilya, I’m proud of you for getting help.”
Ilya sniffled.
“I did not want you to think I am weak.”
“No, Ilya, never, not for that or anything else. You are so strong. And I love you so much.”
Ilya settled closer to Shane’s chest, so they could feel each other’s heart beating. It was soothing and soon enough they were both asleep.
Troy was milling around the back yard, trying to help Harris, but he was probably more of a nuisance than actual help.
It was a lovely sunny day, almost obnoxiously perfect. But that was what they deserved.
Ilya and Shane were getting married today and Troy was wrangled into the planning about fifteen seconds after finding out about the engagement, when Ilya had not even asked, but instead informed him, that he would be his best man.
Well actually he said he’d be his male maid of honour, but whatever, Troy would take it, he would even wear a dress if told and then Harris would tell him he looks amazing.
At the beginning he was not aware how complicated it would be though.
It started off as a pretty small affair, the idea behind it being privacy and only the closest people being invited.
As it turned out, two of the biggest stars of hockey were rather popular. Who would have thought?
Soon the guest list was getting rather extensive and about the only thing that remained of the original plan was the location, Shane and Ilya’s back yard.
It was kind of poetic, Troy thought, they would begin their new life in their home, a safe space that withheld years of hiding, but also love.
And Troy could understand how difficult hiding was, he was still immensely happy he decided to pull the coming out trigger when he did.
While Ilya helped pulling him out of the dark hole he found himself in and Shane helped along the way, there was nothing in this world that could compare to how loved he felt every time Harris looked at him.
It didn’t magically make everything okay, but it was the support Troy needed to continue on his path of becoming a better happier person.