Chapter Text
“You scared me.”
“Scared myself.”
“But you will be okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be okay.”
Ilya’s eyes burn as he wakes up to white lights shooting into his eyes. He’s confused. Where the fuck am I? He knows he’s in a hospital, he can figure that out. He thinks back to when someone he knew was in the hospital. But, who was it? Ilya can’t remember. Either way, this time it’s different, Ilya’s the one that’s hurt.
He fully opens them and sees a nurse standing next to him checking his vitals, then a man and a woman, who he didn’t recognize, sitting across from him. “Ilya,” the man shoots up and grabs Ilya’s hand. Something was… off. Ilya pulls away. The man frowns, Ilya thinks he can see tears building in his eyes.
“Ilya? Can you hear me?” A hand is placed on his arm, the nurse is talking to him. “Hi honey, how are you feeling?” Ilya doesn’t respond. “Do you remember anything that happened in the past few hours?”
Ilya is about to shake his head no, but then he does remember. The plane crash. Getting saved. How did we get saved? The seizures. Then he got his MRI and CT, he remembers being brought into the rooms and laying down in the metal machines, then attaching wires to his head. He remembers everything, but it feels like there’s one missing piece, something that connects them all but he can’t remember.
He nods his head yes. “Okay, great. What do you remember?” He tells her what he does remember, everything until after his brain scans. His attention is drawn away from the nurse when the man he didn’t recognize lets out a sob and sits back down in his chair. Ilya looks at him covering his face with his hands, the woman rubbing his back. “Do you remember Shane?”
“Who?” The man lets out another sob.
The nurse frowns and holds Ilya’s hand. “Him,” she gestures to the man. “Ilya, Shane is your boyfriend. He’s the one who helped rescue you. You know how you said you called someone for help?” Ilya nods, he does remember that. “That was Shane. You called him, then he tracked your phone and found you guys. You guys have been together for…” the nurse turns to the man, presumably Shane, waiting for him to finish her sentence.
“Ten years, now. Ten years,” he cries. This can’t be true. Ilya has been dating a man for ten years and he can’t remember him?”
“You don’t remember any of that Ilya?” The nurse asks again.
“No,” Ilya chokes out, his voice cracking. “I don’t.”
Shane stands up again and comes to his side. He grabs his hand, kneels down, and kisses it. Ilya wants to pull away, he doesn’t recognize him. But if what they’re saying is true, he can’t do that to him. He can’t pull away. The nurse sighs and turns to Shane. “The seizure he had was severe,” she says quietly, but not quiet enough that Ilya can’t hear. “Compared to the others. Memory loss like this is common, it shouldn’t last long. I get it’s scary, but we want to be optimistic here. We have him on meds now which should present the seizures. As long as they work, his brain will become less fuzzy and he should remember.”
“When was my last seizure?” Ilya interrupts.
The nurse turns back to him and grabs his hand. “You had one after you had your CT, honey. It was the third one within 2 hours. The scans showed us that you had a very small brain bleed. You were lucky with how small it was, and lucky that Shane found you so quick,” she smiles and tries to laugh. “You got out of surgery a few hours ago, they fixed the bleeding. Unfortunately," she pauses. “It seems that the hit you took could cause permanent epilepsy. We won’t know for a few weeks until you take medication, get a few more scans. Everything will take time to see. We have you on medication right now which should stop the seizures.”
Epilepsy. Ilya has fucking epilepsy. “How long has it been?”
“You arrived here at around 12am. Your scans went until around 1am, then your surgery was at around 2am. The surgery took around 4 hours, so you were out at 6. Right now it’s 11:30.”
Ilya nods, he doesn’t say anything. This was all too much. Well, not really. He knew about the seizures, if anything this is better. He’s getting help, he has medicine. Then he remembers, “What about my hand?” He turns to it for the first time since waking up. It’s wrapped in a new bandage, not the one Meg had given him on the island.
“We disinfected your hand and wrapped it. Whoever amputated it on the island did a good job, it was a clean cut. It’s relatively okay for now, we were just waiting until your scans were done and you were medicated to work on it. We have you on pain medication as well, does anything hurt?”
Ilya shakes his head no. “When will that be?” Shane interrupts softly. “Fixing his hand?”
“We’ll have the doctor here within the hour. It shouldn’t take long, most of the recovery procedure is physical therapy which he can do back home in Ottawa. Our doctor here will just want to examine it and make sure it’s safe for travel.” Shane nods, then looks to Ilya who nods back at the nurse. “I’ll give you guys some time alone.” She gently smiles and walks out, leaving Ilya, Shane, and the woman he still didn’t recognize alone.
Shane drags the chair from the back of the room over to the side of the bed. “You feel okay?” Ilya only nods. “Okay. Do you… do you really not remember me?” Ilya doesn’t respond. Shane's eyes begin to fill with tears even more than before. “Can I- can I tell you who I am? Can I talk about us?” Ilya nods again. “Okay, okay.”
“My name is Shane. Hollander. We met in 2008, before our rookie year. I play for Montreal, you played for Boston. We started… having sex. The summer before our rookie season. And we did it on and off for years. Two years ago I brought you to my cottage over the summer. We became official then. You moved to Ottawa, with the Centaurs, for me. So we could be closer. Between games you come over, we stay at each other's houses.” Ilya’s face stays blank the whole time. He remembers moving to Ottawa, he can picture staying in other houses, but the rest… he’s not sure. “We’re in love, Ilya. I love you.”
Shane waits for a response. Ilys decides on, “I am sorry. I don't remember,” Shane lets out a sob. “But. I am willing to learn. And I think I will remember.” Shane lets out another sob, then leans his head onto Ilya’s hand that he’s been holding.
There’s a knock on the door. Ilya and Shane both look up to Wyatt, Troy, and Harris coming into the room. “Hi!” Ilya cheers. He recognizes them.
“Roz! You look good,” Hayes smiles. The three men walk to his side opposite from Shane. “You doing okay?”
“Yes. I feel good. They gave me medicine, said my arm is good.”
“I’m so glad Ilya, you scared us.” Harris says with a soft smile. Then he turns to Shane. “What else did the nurses say?”
Shane’s still frowning, his cheeks still damp from crying. “He doesn’t…” he starts, then looks at Ilya. He gestures to the door, asking the men to walk away with him. “He doesn’t remember me. At all. He remembers everything except me.” He hears Shane whisper. The other men’s jaws drop, Harris pulls him in for a hug.
They talk for a little longer, the other guys hangout with him while Shane sits in the back of the room with the other woman (Ilya realizes that she’s his mother, Yuna). Ilya starts to feel a bit tired and his friends seem to realize. They say goodbye and leave the room. As he’s about to go back to sleep, a different doctor walks into the room. “Ilya Rozanov!” He cheers. “I’m Dr. Fields, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m a big fan. Or I was until you switched to Ottawa, ha.” Ilya politely smiles but ignores the comment. “I’m just going to take a quick look at your hand, if you don’t mind.”
Ilya nods and allows him to take the bandage off. Ilya turns away as soon as it starts to come off, he doesn’t want to see that. From what he did see, it looked terrible. He lost his fucking hand. “It’s good Ilya, really,” the doctor reassured. “It didn't get too infected, it was a clean cut. We’ll have to close it a little more properly, but that won’t take too long. It’s a short procedure but we’ll have to put you under anesthesia, is that okay?” Ilya nods again. “Alright. A nurse will come get you soon for Pre OP, you should be done with everything in around 3 to 4 hours, then you’ll be headed back to Ottawa.” Ilya nods again. “You’re a lucky man, Ilya. I’m glad you’re okay.” He smiles and leaves the room.
Lucky. What the fuck about this is lucky? Ilya wants to scream. Too many things are happening right now. He can’t be awake right now. “I am going to sleep,” he announces to Shane. “Just so you know.”
Shane’s face brightens at Ilya finally speaking to him on his own. “Okay, thank you for telling me.” He smiles.
Then Ilya thinks about something. He wants to test whatever they have going on. “Can you come here?” Shane immediately nods and comes to Ilya’s bedside, hesitantly grabbing his hand, probably waiting for Ilya to reject him. He doesn’t. “Can you… can you kiss me?”
Shane’s lips curve off, his eyes glisten. “Of course I can.” He slowly leans down and places his lips against Ilya’s. It’s soft, but sweet. After a few seconds he pulls away, then rubs his hand across Ilya’s cheek. “Was that okay?”
It was perfect. Ilya could feel it. He can’t remember it, exactly. But he felt it. “Yes. Thank you.” Shane smiles and sits back down in his seat that he had again pulled next to Ilya.
Ilya lies on his back and closes his eyes. He wants to remember. He has to.
———-
Ilya is again waking up to the blinding hospital lights. He turns to see a similar setting as before, a nurse checking his vitals and Shane sitting by his side holding his hand. “Hi Ilya.” The nurse smiles. “Your surgery went well, I’ll have to do some more tests on you to make sure you’re okay for the flight, but once that is all done you’ll be ready to go home.”
Home. I can go home.
“That sounds great, thank you.” Ilya smiles back. She finishes adjusting something on the machines next to him, then nods and walks out. He turns to Shane “Hi moya lyubuv.”
Shane jumps at the sentence. Ilya says that to him all the time, why is he so shocked at it?
“You remember?” Shane squeezes his hand. “You remember me?”
Ilya furrows his brows and nearly lets out a laugh. “Of course I remember you, Hollander… why would I forget you?” Why does Shane think that? Ilya would never forget him. He remembers everything from the past week.
“On my god,” Shane exhales and leans his head forward onto Ilya’s leg. “Oh my god.” Ilya notices Yuna gasp and cover her mouth with her hand as well. “You remember everyone? You remember me? Us?”
“Yes, Shane. Why are you asking that? Why would I not remember you?” This was weird.
“You didn’t, earlier. You completely forgot about us,” Oh. “Fuck I’m so glad you remember Ilya.” Shane cries into his leg.
Before Ilya knows it, he’s crying too. “I’m so sorry, moya lyubuy. I would never mean to do that to you, I’m so sorry.” Ilya would never do that to him. Shane is his whole world, he can’t imagine living a life where he didn’t know about him, what they had together.
Ilya laughs and shakes his head, then picks it up and wipes his tears away. “It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault.” He picks up Ilya’s hand and kisses it repeatedly. “You remember everything else though? The crash, the seizures, the medicine?” Yes, Ilya does remember that. He remembers most of it all too well. He nods. “Good, good.”
The nurse comes back in and explains that memory loss like this kind of works in blocks. Some people forget their native language, some people learn a new language. Some people forget certain people, certain categories of their lives. The most important parts, normally.
About an hour later Ilya had permission to finally shower (thank god, washing himself in ocean water for a week was not doing anything) and change into normal clothes. Soon after he was discharged and met up with the rest of the Centaurs. Everyone else had also showered and changed, most of them looked healthy as well. Luca was in a wheelchair, but he looked okay. His leg was wrapped the same way Ilya’s hand was.
They all go back to the tarmac and board a normal plane that they can all fit on. When the flight takes off, Ilya digs the few fingernails he has left into Shane’s forearm, Shane squeezing his thigh back. He notices most of the other passengers were doing the same. Once they’re fully in the air, Ilya’s body relaxes, he feels Shane’s does too. They begin to serve food around the plane, Shane helps him cut it up. On the island there wasn’t much to do, meaning Ilya didn’t have a lot of use for his dominant hand anyway. Now back in the real world, he needed it. He would have to learn how to use his left hand.
“How are you?” Ilya asks gently, leaning his head onto Shane’s shoulder. “How has your team been and… everything?”
Shane awkwardly turns his head down to Ilya. “How am I?” Shane laughs and kisses Ilya's head, then leaves it there. “I should be asking how you are.”
Ilya smiles. “I am okay. Do not worry about me, not right now. So how are you?”
Shane sighs into his hair, then kisses it one more time. “I’ve been a mess, honestly. But that was because you weren’t here. You’re back, I’ll be okay.” Ilya nods. “I haven’t talked to the team or anyone really. I kinda… shut down. JJ and Hayden have been coming over, I’ve been talking to some of the other WAGS, but that’s it. I've been ignoring all of coaches' calls.”
“You shouldn’t have done all of that for me.”
Shaw pauses and shakes his head, disagreeing. “I would do that and more for you. I will do anything and everything for you.” Ilya smiles and snuggles closer to Shane, Shane connects both of their hands and rests them on Ilya's thigh. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
No one talks the rest of the flight. Ilya doesn’t think anyone was asleep though, either. No one knew what to say. Last time they were on a flight together… well. Everyone sat quietly for the 4 hour flight, Ilya keeping his head on Shane’s shoulder.
Once they land Ilya assumes that the news of their survival has already been made public. It’s not really an assumption, since there’s hundreds of cameras and reporters waiting outside the plane behind the barriers. They’re going to see me. They’re going to see I only have one hand. Ilya squirms in his seat and digs his nails into Shane’s skin harder. “Hey, it’s okay.” Shane squeezes his thigh. “It’s gonna be okay.” Ilya then realizes that they’re also going to see Shane. There’s no logical reason for Shane Hollander to be on the flight that rescued the Ottawa Centaurs. Obviously they wouldn’t assume that he was having a romantic affair with Ilya Rozanov, but still. Then he also realizes Shane will not be leaving his side as they leave the plane. He lets go of his hand, but he’s so close their arms are still grazing against each other as they walk.
The second Ilya feels the freezing Ottawa air against his skin is the same second reporters start yelling his name. All of their names. He quickly walks down the stairs, Shane staying behind him. He kept his head down and walked as fast he could, everyone else doing the same. He felt bad for Luca, he had no control of his speed. Reporters snapped hundreds of photos of him as he kept his head down in his wheelchair. They then walk farther past the reporters to a more gated area.
All their families are there. Ilya watches as Zane runs to Cassie, Wyatt runs to Lisa, Harris runs to his parents. Troy doesn’t run to anybody. Ilya also doesn’t, but that’s because he already has the person he loves most in this world at his side. Ilya places a hand on Troy's shoulder and leans into him, resting his jaw on his shoulder. “We are safe Barrett. It’ll be okay. You and Harris… you’ll be okay.”
They stay staring at all the families reuniting, standing in the same position. Yuna and Shane are standing behind Ilya giving him and Troy a moment. “What if he leaves me?” Troy says gently. “What if it was just because we were stranded? He just wanted someone to hook up with?”
Ilya quickly shakes his head. “That’s not it. He didn’t think like that. He likes you, Troy. Probably loves.” Ilya picks his head up, Troy turns and faces him. “You will be okay.” Troy nods, Ilya nods back, then continues walking forward. As Ilya suspected, Harris was already walking over and grabbing Troy to introduce him to his family.
Shane comes back to Ilya's side but doesn’t hold his hand, reporters are still nearby. Once they are inside the airport (a private area where only their families were) he grabs his hand. Ava suddenly shouts to address everyone. “I know today, not even today, this whole week has been terrible for all of you. I know it’s been scary, stressful. You are all able to go home now, if you need a ride let us know. We’ll most likely have to call you back into our offices for an investigation another day, but for now…” she pauses and looks over all the families. “Go home. Be safe. I’m so sorry you all went through this.”
A few people had been crying, some had just been frozen at the fact they were finally home. Ilya hugs all of his teammates goodbye. Despite the fact they’d been together all week, it was hard to leave them. They were a family before, but now they’re bonded more than anyone can imagine. They went through a fucking tragedy together. Ilya can’t relate to anyone else about this, no one will understand.
He, Shane, and Yuna walk out to the car together. They had parked in a private lot earlier so they didn’t need to worry about paparazzi.
The short drive home was quiet. Not tense, everyone was just in need of some rest. Shane drove while Ilya sat in the passenger seat, one of Shane’s hands resting across his thigh most of the drive. As they pulled up to Ilya’s house, he noticed something along his fence.
A memorial. His neighbors had set up a memorial for him. He feels a tear roll down his cheek, then quickly wipes it away. You’re alive, Ilya. The memorial was nice, but unnecessary. Don’t work yourself up. Relax. Shane watches as Ilya stares it down, he then pulls into the driveway and parks the car. There are three other cars in the driveway, Ilya assumes Shane’s, Davids, and Hayden’s. “I’ll tell them to leave. You want to be alone, right?” Ilya nods. It was already nearly 10pm, he couldn’t really deal with Hayden Pike right now.
Shane rushes out of his seat over to Ilya's side to help him out of the car, even though Ilya had no trouble with walking. They walk up to the house hand in hand, Yuna behind them. Shane opens the front door, David and Hayden jump from the couch and stare at them as they walk in. “Ilya.” David says. He slowly walks over to him and hugs him. “I’m so glad you’re okay. Are you okay?”
Ilya nods against his shoulder. “Yes. Well. I am alive.” Ilya fake laughs. He lets go of the hug and turns to Hayden who immediately draws his eyes to Ilya’s right arm, where his hand used to be.
Hayden quickly looks up. He doesn’t say anything, he just rushes into Ilya's arms and wraps his own around him. “I missed you man, really,” he chokes out, almost crying. “I’m so fucking glad you’re alive.”
Ilya lets out a small laugh out of shock. As much as they teased each other, Ilya knew him and Hayden were truly friends. He just didn’t expect him to react like this. “I missed you too, Pike.”
They hug for a little longer, then Hayden pulls back and quickly wipes his tears. “Fuck, sorry.” He laughs, Ilya smiles. “Do you want me to go? You’re probably exhausted, right?”
“Yes, if you could.” Hayden nods, Ilya walks forward over to the kitchen. The other four talk for a little while Ilya rummages through the fridge, then he hears the door shut and Shane’s footsteps coming towards him. “I’m sorry I didn’t want them here.” Ilya closes the fridge, nothing good being in there of course, and faces Shane.
Shane comes behind the counter, then behind Ilya and wraps his arms around his waist. “Don’t apologize. They understand.” Ilya wraps his arms around Shane’s and leans his head backwards into the crook of his neck. “Bedtime?” Ilya nods. Shane grabs his hands and leads him up the stairs to their bedroom. Shane helps him change and brush his teeth, which god, that felt so fucking good. He hasn’t brushed his teeth well in over a week. Except he couldn’t really do it himself. Shane had to help him squeeze the toothpaste out, but Ilya was able to use his left hand to brush.
They get under the covers together, laying completely in the dark after Shane turns the lights off. “Thank you for not giving up,” Ilya cries out. He doesn’t know when he started crying, but right now he couldn’t help it. He was home because of Shane. Every good thing he has, it’s all because of Shane. “I love you so much, you don’t even know. Thank you, god I love you.” He turns onto his side resting his head on Shane’s chest.
Shane runs one hand through Ilya’s hair while the other holds onto his right arm. “I love you so much. Ilya I will do anything for you. Anything. Whatever you need from me for the rest of our lives.” Shane’s voice cracks while he says it. He awkwardly leans up and kisses Ilya's head, Ilya then awkwardly turns his head up and kisses Shane on the lips.
They turn back and fall asleep, Shane’s hair stuck in Ilya curls, Ilya’s head stuck to Shane’s chest.