Chapter Text
The next day was terrible.
From the second he woke up, Sodapop was in a bad mood. He couldn’t stop replaying the previous night in his mind: Ponyboy waking up from a nightmare, Soda failing to comfort him, and Darry swooping in like Superman to save the day.
At work that morning, Soda tried his best to pretend everything was normal. He must’ve done a pretty good job of it, because Steve didn’t comment on his mood or anything. Soda was thankful for that; he didn’t think he’d be able to talk about everything without sounding like some sort of spoiled, selfish brat.
He still must not have been paying enough attention to what he was doing, though, because he counted the change wrong after pumping the gas for some middle-aged soc lady. Heels clacking, she marched right inside and demanded to speak to the manager, who apologized profusely and made Soda do the same. And if that wasn’t humiliating enough, Soda’s boss gave him an earful after she’d left, threatening to cut his pay if it happened again.
All that to say he gave up on his false cheer sometime around noon, spending his lunch break smoking a couple of stolen cigarettes in the freezing cold. Normally, he’d call Darry to complain about what had happened and get some reassurance that he wasn’t a complete screw-up, but that wasn’t an option right now, so he just sulked for a while and lit up another weed.
When he finally came back inside, Steve got one whiff of him and asked, “Hey, you good?”
“Not right now,” he muttered, looking at the floor.
For a split second, Steve looked like he was about to argue. But he simply muttered, “Whatever, man.” Soda watched him walk away, his eyes burning with unshed tears.
—
That evening, Soda made every excuse not to come home until bedtime. He ate dinner at the Dairy Queen alone, drove around town alone, and even went to the grocery store alone, all the while wondering what his brothers were doing without him.
They were probably relieved to be rid of him, Soda thought bitterly. He imagined them watching some smart-person movie together and having all these deep conversations about it and saying, Gee, I sure am glad Soda’s not here to bring down the IQ of the room.
When he couldn’t put it off any longer, he finally drove home. As he made his way inside, he was surprised to find Pony doing homework in his bedroom while Darry fiddled with the temperamental radiator. So maybe they hadn’t been having a grand old time together. Still, Soda wasn’t ready to face his brothers, so he ignored them completely as he put the groceries away in the kitchen and sat down to enjoy a nice, thick slice of cake and a tall glass of chocolate milk.
To his relief, no one said more than two words to him all evening. At least, not until he and Pony were getting ready for bed.
“Hey, Soda?” Pony asked as he began changing into his pajamas.
“What?” he replied, not turning around. He hoped his tone made it clear he wasn’t looking to have a conversation.
“I’ve just noticed that you’ve been kinda… restless lately.” He spoke slowly, like he was choosing his words carefully. “Is there somethin’ wrong?”
Soda threw his dirty clothes into the hamper with more force than necessary. Keeping his voice level, he replied, “Nothin’, Pone. Don’t worry about it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“It’s just that I mentioned it to Darry earlier, and he noticed you’ve been actin’ weird, too.”
Fury suddenly rising inside of him, Soda whipped around, leveling his brother with a glare. “So now y’all are talkin’ about me behind my back?”
Pony raised his hands in front of him, palm-forward, like he was warding off Soda’s anger. “No! I mean, yes, but not like that! I was just worried, is all —”
“Y’all just need to mind your business, okay?” he snapped.
Ponyboy’s expression crumpled. He turned, grabbed a pack of cigarettes from the desk, and left the room. A second later, Soda heard the back door slam shut.
Great. Yet another thing Soda had ruined. He was too angry to care.
“What was all that about?” Darry suddenly materialized in the doorway. His tone was light, but Soda could tell there was something simmering underneath the surface.
Soda didn’t have the energy or the willpower to pretend to be polite. "Why don’t you ask your new favorite brother?” he taunted.
Crossing his arms across his chest, Darry asked, "What are you talkin’ about?"
"Never mind.” Soda re-tied the drawstring on his pajama pants so he’d have something to do with his hands. “It don’t matter.”
"Yeah, it does." There it was — a hint of that familiar anger, that fire.
Instead of calming him down like he normally would, Soda stoked the flames. He wasn’t afraid of a fight. He craved it, in a way. "I said forget it."
“No. I ain’t gonna forget it. You know better. Now come on.” Expression stony, Darry placed a firm hand on his shoulder, then steered him out the door and down the hallway.
It wasn’t a long walk to Darry’s room. When they got there, Darry pointed to the bed and said, “Sit.”
Soda sat, folding his legs underneath him. Darry remained standing.
“Don’t snap at Pony like that,” Darry began, pacing back and forth from the dresser to the window and back again. “What’s the matter with you? What, you have one bad day at work and you take it out on us? You ain’t twelve anymore, Sodapop. It’s time to grow up.”
He sounded exactly like Dad had that time a fifteen-year-old Soda had gotten drunk as a skunk on a bottle of tequila Two-Bit had stolen from who-knows-where, stumbling through the front door at three in the morning.
Despite everything, Soda felt the corners of his mouth twitch upward. Darry was worried about him. His brother was finally paying attention to him in the way he’d craved for so long, and he found he couldn’t resist any longer.
“How’d you know I had a bad day at work?” he asked, fighting to keep a straight face.
Darry looked at him for a long moment, then softened, taking a seat on the bed next to him. “I know you, Soda. I’ve known you since the day you were born. So tell me: What on earth is goin’ on?”
Soda was still hesitant to lay it all out on the table. He didn’t want Darry to turn around and tell Pony all about it and make him feel bad. But Darry wasn’t giving him much of a choice, so he just shrugged, then explained, “It was nothin’, really. I just shorted a lady some change at work and my boss yelled at me. Ain’t like it never happened before.”
“So how come you’re all worked up about it?”
Soda sighed. “‘Cause of last night, I guess.” He started tapping his fingers on the bed as he spoke, suddenly unable to sit still.
“When Pony had that nightmare? He gets those all the time.”
“Yeah, but this time, he wanted you. Not me. And… I dunno, it really got under my skin. So I was already ticked, and the thing at work just made it worse, and then when Pony asked about it, I just couldn’t take it anymore.”
“Is that really what all this is about?” Darry’s brow was furrowed in concern. “You know, he only wanted me last night ‘cause the nightmare was about me. He still loves you a lot, you know.”
Soda picked at a callus on his palm, unable to even look at Darry as he muttered, “Yeah, but you don’t.”
Darry made a wounded noise in the back of his throat, like he’d just been shot. Soda risked a glance at him and could tell just by the miserable look on his face that his heart was breaking.
“Why — how could you say that?” Darry’s voice trembled, and he sounded so devastated that Soda ached to throw himself into his arms and let Darry reassure him that of course he still loved him, how could he even think such a thing, but he held himself back. There was more he needed to say first.
“You and me, we used to be thick as thieves, you know?”
He watched Darry’s reaction carefully. Darry nodded, just once, that stricken expression not leaving his face.
“We used to hang out all the time. And you used to lean on me a lot more, ‘specially after Mom and Dad died.”
Once Soda had started pulling on the threads, he couldn’t stop. Everything came tumbling out of him, one thing leading to the next and the next.
“You’ve got a lot on your plate, what with bein’ head of the family and all, and I liked helpin’ you out. With Pony, and with your own stuff, too. It made me feel… important, or whatever.”
“You are important.” Darry rested a hand on his back for a second before letting it drop.
“You say that now, but things have been different ever since Pony came home.” He shifted his weight on the bed, the springs groaning in protest. “I mean, I’m glad y’all are gettin’ along now, don’t get me wrong. It’s good that you’re spendin’ more time together and workin’ things out. I just miss the way things used to be.”
Darry shot him a quizzical look. “I thought you hated bein’ shoved in the middle of all our fights.”
“Yeah, I did.” He chuckled humorlessly. “More than anything. But at least back then, I felt like I had a purpose. Outta the two of us, I was always the one who was good with the feelings and stuff, but you’re good at all that on your own now.”
Soda was the one Darry turned to for support and companionship. He was the one who could help Darry make sense of his emotions and get him to relax. He was the one who got to see the real Darry underneath all that worry and stress.
Or, at least, he had been.
“You don’t need me at all anymore,” Soda said, shaking his head. “You don’t even want me most of the time. And now Pony clearly don’t need me anymore, neither, not after last night, so…”
Understanding dawned on Darry’s face. “That’s why you snapped at him.”
“Yeah.” He buried his face in his hands, shame burning his cheeks.
Glory almighty, he couldn’t believe he’d yelled at Pony like that. And for what — reaching out, expressing concern? That’s all Soda had been wanting someone to do for months now! And he’d gone and ruined it, just like he did with everything else.
Why couldn’t he just be happy his brothers were spending time together? Why did he have to make Darry feel guilty about mending his relationship with Pony? Why did he have to make everything about himself?
Voice muffled against his hands, he said, “And since everything’s changed, helpin’ him get back to sleep was the one thing that made me feel like a useful part of this family, y’know? I used to be the only one who could get him to calm down. But I guess I ain’t special anymore, ‘cause you can handle all that now.”
Soda picked his head up and ran a hand through his rumpled hair before continuing. “Anyway, I ain’t mad at you for makin’ up for lost time with Pony, or even helpin’ him last night. I know he’s the baby, and he should come first — honestly, if it were me, I’d be doin’ the same thing. He’s the most important. But I guess I can’t help feelin’ like I’m the least important. To both of you, but mostly” — his breath hitched — “mostly to you.”
“Hey. C’mon, Soda.” Darry’s voice was soft, pleading. “You know that ain’t true.”
“Is it? I can’t help but feelin’ like you’re leavin’ me behind. You’ve got Pony now. Whaddaya need me hangin’ around for?” He knew it sounded childish and stupid, but it was true.
“What do I — what do I need you for? Oh, kid.” Darry scrubbed a hand over his face. “I mean, yeah, Pony’s the baby, but you’re my kid now, too. More than that, you’re my best friend.”
Soda sniffled. “Really?”
“Mhmm,” Darry hummed as he picked a piece of lint off Soda’s pants. “I guess I’ve just been so focused on fixin’ things with Pone that I wasn’t payin’ enough attention to you. We’ve always been solid as a rock, y’know?” He knocked on his head with a fist, making Soda smile, just a little bit. “I didn’t think — well, I just didn’t think, Sodapop. I’m sorry. I could tell there was somethin’ off, but I had no idea you were upset with me. It kills me to think I coulda been doin' somethin' more for you all this time and I wasn’t."
“It ain’t your fault, Dar. It’s just me bein’ stupid.” He chuckled wetly.
“You ain’t stupid, Sodapop. Not now, and not ever.” Darry frowned at him. “How long’s this been goin’ on?”
“It’s been slowly buildin’ up for a few months now,” Soda admitted. “For a while there, we were just learnin’ how to live without Johnny and Dal, but then things started to go back to normal. But it wasn’t normal, really, ‘cause all the sudden you and Pony were actin’ different, and I didn’t have a place anymore. And I didn’t want to say anything to mess it all up, ‘cause y’all’ve been doin’ so good….”
“Oh, Soda.” Darry’s voice cracked. “Your place is always gonna be here, with us. With me.”
“I know that. I just haven’t been able to feel it recently with everythin’ goin’ on.”
Darry was silent for a minute. Based on the way he was pursing his lips, Soda guessed he was considering what to say. He didn’t blame Darry for not knowing how to handle this — Soda was the one who was good with emotions, and even he wasn’t quite sure about this whole mess.
Eventually, Darry let out a slow breath through his nose, then said, “Y’know, I used to feel the same way sometimes when we were kids.”
“You did?” Soda couldn’t believe he’d been so stuck in his own head that he hadn’t put together the fact that Darry had once been in his shoes.
“Uh-huh. You and Pony were always two peas in a pod, and there were plenty of times when I felt like I didn’t really fit in. And then after Mom and Dad died, you two got even closer, and I just….” He trailed off with a shrug, letting Soda fill in the blanks.
Soda pressed their knees together. “We got closer, though, too. And I miss that.”
“Me, too.” His smile was sad. “It just took me and Pone some extra time to figure it out, I guess. But we got there in the end.”
“You did. And I’m real proud of you. Both of you.” Soda tried to pour as much sincerity as he could into his words. He needed Darry to know that despite his own personal hang-ups, he truly appreciated how far his brothers had come.
“Thanks, little buddy. I guess what I’m tryin’ to say is you’re my first kid brother, you dig? And we’re always gonna be a team, the two of us.”
Soda nodded. “I know we are. There’s just been a lot goin’ on recently. We’re a complicated bunch.”
“We sure are.” Darry sighed, then scrubbed a hand over his face. “Glory, how did Mom and Dad raise three kids at once?” he asked, looking heavenward. “I’ve got my hands full with just two.”
“Well, they had each other,” Soda reminded him. “You’re all alone.”
Darry considered that for a moment, working a muscle in his jaw. Eventually, he replied, “But I’m not really, am I? I have you.” He laid a warm hand on Soda’s knee, swiping his thumb back and forth across the flannel of his pajama pants. “All this time, you’ve been the one pickin’ up my slack. I mean, before… y’know, everything… you were always the one to help Pony with his nightmares when I was too scared to even walk in the room. You helped him learn how to live without Mom and Dad while I made him feel bad for every little thing he did. You kept me from losin’ my mind when I was so stressed I could hardly see straight.”
Listening to Darry’s words, something settled in Soda’s chest — something that had been out of place for longer than he’d even realized. He wanted to tell Darry how much it meant to hear him say all those things, but he didn’t trust himself to speak without turning into a giant bawl-baby. So he placed a hand on top of Darry’s instead, giving it a squeeze and hoping he got the message.
“You held this family together for so long, Soda.” Darry looked down at his lap for a moment before meeting Soda’s eyes, determination in his gaze. “But don’t you think for a second that we – that I — don’t need you anymore just ‘cause me and Pony are doin’ better now.”
Darry brought his other hand up to the back of Soda’s neck. “You bring out the best in us, baby. You get Pony to come out of his shell when no one else can. You remind me to have fun, not take everything so seriously. There ain’t no Curtis family without you, I can tell you that.”
With a little sob, Soda tilted forward and rested his forehead against Darry’s shoulder. Darry petted the back of his head, running his fingers through Soda’s hair while he wept.
For the first time in months, he let himself truly feel everything without shoving it down and pretending he was okay. He finally let it all out: the bitterness, the jealousy, the shame. And as much as it hurt, Soda couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of relief, as well. He was sick and tired of carrying all that around with him.
He should’ve come to Darry sooner. While Ponyboy’s love bordered on hero worship — and he adored Pony right back, don’t get him wrong — Darry had always understood Soda in a way no one else did, accepting his flaws as easy as breathing. He saw Soda as a messy, emotional, impulsive, irrational human being, and he loved him because of it, not in spite of it. Of course he wasn’t going anywhere.
“We’ll always need you, no matter what. I’ll always need you. I promise,” Darry murmured. “But you gotta tell me — what do you need?”
Soda pulled back, wiping his eyes. “Honestly, Dar, I don’t —”
Darry cut him off with a shake of the head. “Uh-uh. Tell me the truth. What do you need me to do?”
Soda had to think about that for a minute. He didn’t need some grand gesture or anything, he realized; it was the little things that made all the difference.
“I just wanna get back to the way we used to be,” he said. “I wanna spend time with you. I want you to ask me about my day. I wanna listen to you complain about your stupid coworkers and give you advice. Just the little stuff, you know?”
Darry nodded. “We can do that. We shoulda been doin’ that all along.”
“Well, neither of us have work tomorrow, so how ‘bout the three of us just hang out like old times?” he suggested. “We can pull out some board games and eat junk food and just… talk.”
“That sounds perfect.” Darry smiled. “But I reckon we should also spend some more time together with just the two of us, too. Get back to bein’ best friends, y’know?”
“I’d like that.” Soda smiled back.
“It’s high time the grownups in this family had some fun.”
Soda’s eyebrows crept upward. “Oh, so I’m a grownup now?”
“Only compared to your brother.”
Soda pinched his forearm, hard enough to hurt. “Hey!” Darry exclaimed, laughing as he wrenched his arm away. “Never mind. You obviously haven’t gotten past your terrible twos.”
Soda put on an exaggerated pout. “If I promise to be good, will you tell me what you were thinkin’?”
Darry shot him a mischievous grin, then tapped his finger on his chin a couple times like he was thinking real hard. He obviously relished keeping Soda in anticipation. Finally, he said in a low voice, “I was thinkin’ we should get a joint from one of Shepard’s boys, drive out to the countryside at night, and split it.”
Soda’s eyes felt like they were about to pop out of his head. He searched Darry’s face for any signs that he was joking, but to his surprise, he was dead serious. “Who are you and what have you done with my stick-in-the-mud big brother?”
“Don’t act like it’s a big deal,” Darry said, leaning back on his hands. “I know you’ve smoked before, at parties or whatever.”
“Yeah, but have you?”
“I used to sometimes,” he admitted easily, like this information wouldn’t rock Soda’s world. “With Paul, mostly, back before… you know. But not since Mom and Dad died.” Under his breath, he added, “But I sure did want to sometimes.”
Soda shook his head in awe. “I can’t believe you never told me. I don’t even know my own brother anymore.”
Darry nudged his shoulder. “Yeah, you do. Better than anyone.”
Soda nudged him right back. “Hey, don’t go gettin’ all sappy on me before we’re even high.”
“Says the biggest sap on the planet.” Darry rolled his eyes. “Anyway, can I trust you not to tell Pony? I want him to walk the straight and narrow for at least a couple more years. My blood pressure couldn’t take it if he started smokin’ grass on top of all those cigarettes.”
Soda drew an X over his chest. “Cross my heart.” It felt good that Darry trusted him with this juicy piece of information. Soda liked that they had something that was just theirs — something not even Pony knew about. Things were back to the way they used to be: the two of them conspiring to keep secrets from their baby brother.
“Anyway, speakin’ of sappiness….” Darry turned his body so he was facing Soda more fully. “You know I love you, right? I know I don’t say it enough, but it’s true. I love you more than anythin’.”
Soda couldn’t help himself. “Even Pony?” he teased.
“Now, that ain’t fair.” Darry whacked him gently on the leg, seemingly relieved that Soda was back to his old self. “You know y’all are tied.”
Soda surged forward and wrapped his arms around Darry’s middle, squeezing him tight. “I love you, too,” he said. “So much that I don’t even know what to do with all of it.” He had loved Darry since the day he was born, and he’d love him ‘til the day he died, no matter what.
Darry rubbed his back for a minute, and Soda let himself enjoy the closeness. It had been a while since he’d been held like this. He could feel Darry’s heartbeat under his cheek, solid and steady and comforting. This was right where he belonged.
Eventually, Darry pressed a kiss to the side of his head, right behind his ear, before pulling away and saying, “You wanna sleep here tonight?”
As much as he wanted to stay, he knew Darry wasn’t the only one he needed to make amends with. He owed his little brother an apology.
“Nah. I should prob’ly go tell Pony I’m sorry for earlier. You think he’ll forgive me?”
Darry shrugged. “He’s forgiven me for much worse.”
“True.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, thanks for all this.”
“Any time,” Darry promised.
Soda let out a deep exhale, feeling like he could breathe for the first time in months. “It was good to get all this off my chest, y’know? I feel more… myself.”
“You should talk to Pony ‘bout all of it, too. I bet it would help.”
“Yeah. I think I will. Maybe in the mornin’, though.” With a yawn, Soda stretched his arms above his head, then slid off the bed. All that crying and talking about his feelings sure had worn him out.
“G’night, Pepsi-Cola.”
“‘Night, Dar. See you tomorrow.” He ruffled Darry’s hair, then smoothed it out again with a little laugh before leaving the room.
When Soda returned to his own bed, Ponyboy had his eyes closed already, but Soda didn’t care. He climbed under the covers and threw his arms around him.
“I love you and I’m sorry,” he said, squeezing the daylights out of his little brother.
“I love you and I’m sorry, too,” Pony murmured through a yawn, hugging him back. He pulled away before adding, “Wait, what exactly am I sorry for?”
Soda’s heart felt like it was going to melt into a puddle in his chest. He shouldn’t have been worried about making up with Pony; the kid had never been able to stay mad at him for long.
“Nothin’.” Soda pushed Pony’s hair off his forehead. “I’ll tell you all about it in the mornin’. Me and you and Dar, we’re gonna spend the whole day together, and we’re gonna talk about some things, and I’ll prob’ly end up bawlin’ like a big ol’ baby, but we’re gonna have some fun, too, I promise.”
“Everythin’ okay?”
“It is now. Or, it will be. But don’t worry ‘bout it right now. It’s time to go to sleep.”
“You’re the one who came in here and woke me up,” Pony grumbled. But he allowed Soda to throw an arm around him and hold him close.
Sleep came easier than it had in a long time.