Chapter Text
"..." A sound of distant screaming crashed into Emilia like a wave. She instantly jumped out of her bed, her hands scrambling for the doorknob before she grew too impatient and kicked it open instead. Dashing toward the source of the sound, she started to regret the idea of having slept—being convinced by Sylphy to do so. Emilia should have stayed with Subaru and watched over him rather than resting. Her own rest and well-being were not as important as Subaru.
Thumping footsteps followed as she heard another shriek, which she could now clearly identify as Subaru's voice, and it made her already deteriorating mental state worsen with fear. She could not allow this. The safe haven Emilia had built for Subaru, she could not let him go down the path of using his power again. She detested even thinking about such.
"Subaru… Subaru… No… Where are…" Frantically searching and trying to hear even a gust of sound that could come from anywhere at this moment, Emilia desperately tried to find his location, to no avail as the silence continued.
"Shut up! Someone help! Petra! Frederica! Emilia! Emilia! Emilia! Arghhhh! I don't want to! I'm sorry, I did nothing wrong…" The distant cry immediately gave her a direction to follow, a faraway room that she remembered Subaru often visited—the hallway leading to Rem's room, the place where the blue-haired girl lay in her slumber without any sign of waking.
What could have happened to Subaru, in this place and at such an hour? Emilia was soon enough about to find out the answer, as she saw the crawling figure of the boy she loved, and behind him was a person Emilia had no memory of ever meeting or speaking to before…yet she knew exactly who it was.
Rem, the supposed maid of Roswaal Mansion and the twin of Ram, was literally right there, standing on her own two legs—albeit wobbly ones. Behind the dragging Subaru that has given up even his will to move.
Emilia would have loved to ask about when she had woken up, or to inquire about her health even, if not for the fact that Subaru was crawling himself away, his eyes full of apprehension toward Rem.
"Ahhhh! I'm not a Witch Cultist! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! Don't touch me!" With his teeth chattering and his tongue spilling out the words of his utmost panic, Emilia felt as though she had never harbored such intent to harm someone as she did in that moment.
Subaru had gone through so many traumatic events simply because he had been falsely accused of being a member of the Cult, and now the person who was supposed to be someone he cherished, Subaru had said it himself, after all. why must the man who harbored such deep care for that woman now look upon her with such a terrified face, screaming that he was not one of the most wretched and vile creatures on earth?
Had she called him a Witch Cultist? Did she know how traumatic that accusation could be to him? Did she know Subaru had been breaking down and trying to take his own life earlier? Did she know how hard it was for Emilia to maintain this front, to keep Subaru from losing his mind to the point of abusing his power? She had tried, she had tried, she had tried so hard to keep him from suffering again. How dare Rem trample upon it—the paradise Emilia had sacrificed everything she stood for to build?
"What did you do to my Subaru?" A gust of chilled wind froze the nearby window and nearly shattered it entirely, forcing Rem to step back on her unsteady legs and fall instead, intimidated by the presence that had arrived.
"W-who… are you? T-this man tried to enter my room and he… I was just asking him a question about…"
"What did you do to my Subaru? I do not want to ask again. Answer me!" Gritting through her teeth, Emilia hissed as she knelt down and looked over Subaru, checking for any wounds or injuries while Rem was now the one scrambling away.
Immediately and without a moment's pause, Emilia's hand hovered at his neck, checking for a pulse—before she realized he had passed away, likely from exhaustion or fear, or perhaps both. It wrenched her heart to see him like this, and it was made even worse when she thought about the possibilities after he woke up.
"I…He barged into my room in the middle of the night crying, so I asked him who he was and h-he just panicked and ran away. I tried to follow and explain that I meant nothing by it, b-but…" Stuttering in hysteria, Rem blurted out everything she could. Despite her lack of knowledge about this world, she could clearly tell that Emilia could easily kill her if she wished.
"Do you remember anything else?" Emilia asked, her voice monotone, as though she did not even desire to hear the answer.
"N-no… I just woke up a few days ago. Ram only told me about the necessities."
"So she did tell you about the supposedly important things… and yet did not include Subaru among them…" Muttering under her breath, Emilia shook with disappointment. Her usual self would have dismissed it, told herself it would have "overwhelmed" Rem in some way—there were always excuses to be made when she still had trust in others.
But now, all she cared about was Subaru's safety, both in mind and body. Everything else doesn’t matter.
"Tch… it makes sense, however. Subaru was not in the best state of mind…" She murmured before sliding one arm beneath his thighs and the other behind his back, lifting him with ease. As she carried him, she drew his face close to her chest, feeling the warmth emanating from within. A sense of ease washed over her—Emilia had found her comfort in his breathing, a sign that he was alive and with her still.
"I do not want to speak with you further. Go ask your sister about the rest." Giving her final word, Emilia held him close as they departed, never bothering to give the confused girl another glance.
Light footsteps. Yet her mind was heavy with doubt and uncertainty—not only about what had happened to Subaru, but about what he had once said of Rem as well. Before any thoughts or inner words could be permitted to fully form, however, Emilia was once again alarmed by another sound moving through the hallway.
"You're quite a bit caaaaaaalmer than what I expected, given how he was treeeeeeeated, Emiliaaaaaaaaaaa-sama." The voice of the Margrave had always been grating enough, though bearable once for how absurd and hilarious it was—but now, simply hearing that drawn-out cadence made her want to drive his head into a wall, especially after he had left her with so much trouble and responsibility in his absence, forcing Emilia to never have the chance to reach Subaru in time.
"What do you want, Margrave? Are you not supposed to be lying in your room acting useless as usual?" Hissing through her teeth, Emilia had no desire to spare even a second humoring this man, but it seemed Roswaal had already understood this.
"Oh my, oh myyyyyyyyyyyy, how aggressive. I understand where you are coming from, and I won't judge you for that…What I meant was that I was simply surprised by how you reacted to Reeeeem." With a sarcastic tone, Roswaal prodded at her, and the implication made Emilia's anger rise even further.
"Were you already here when Subaru entered her room? Answer me truthfully, clown." Giving a low chuckle at her sharp words, Roswaal waved a dismissive hand as he explained.
"Calling me a clown is quite harsh, but no—I was not there before it happened, and I could not prevent it. All this humble Margrave did was arrive later than you, Emilia-sama." The singsong voice managed to keep Emilia's temper high still, yet she could tell he was being truthful. Roswaal was one of the few who understood Subaru's value, and the fact that she had to think about his "worth" again triggered something deep inside her. He was a person who deserve to be loved and cared for, not a tool that useful and as such have to be treated with cautions, yet so many treated him as nothing more than that.
"… Whatever. I am taking Subaru back to my room. I do not care what you are planning or not planning. If you touch Subaru again,I will withdraw from the Royal Selection." Ending with a threat aimed squarely at his ambitions, Emilia walked away from him with no intention of adding anything further.
"Are you sure? What about the frozen elves you have wrongfully encased in ice?" He asked, almost sure for himself that it would hit a sorespot.
"Those will become my own sins to bear, not Subaru's. I will take responsibility for that and live with it alone."
"But what about Subaru-kun's feelings, then? Seeing you sacrifice your own wishes to remain by his side… does that not make you the same as him?"
"…"
With no reply to Roswaal's words, Emilia strode back to her own chamber, still holding Subaru close as though he were the last lifeline she had left.
"I am still a hypocrite… am I not?" However was her asnwer, but she would rather die than let Roswaal hear that.
The broken door ended up doing a huge favor for Emilia, as she didn’t need to place Subaru down to open it anymore. With the extra convenience, she quickly placed him down on her bed, but before tucking herself next to him, she had to figure out how to shut the door.
“…Uhm…this is going to be a hassle for the maids, and with the screaming before too, I don’t want anyone to misunderstand or think we are under attack.” A worry that sounded unexpectedly silly, but with the unrest the mansion currently had, this could prove chaotic, even dangerous, especially for Subaru right now.
“Whatever, Roswaal will probably tell them anyway.” Sighing to herself before shutting the door closed, now it was time for the broken doorknob to do what it was supposed to do: not locking.
Resigned to just using her ice magic as a makeshift lock instead, Emilia turned back to the bed, where Subaru was soundly sleeping, his face now wiped clean of the terrified look he had before.
“You told me that Rem was someone you cared about. Was it because you had to do something for her too? Why must you believe that relationships have to be earned, and why does everyone treat you like that? I just want to show you that people care for you without any expectation in return. Was that too hard?” Kneeling on the bed as Emilia buried her face into the mattress and cried, she took Subaru’s hand and laid it on her cheek, as if he were still awake and comforting her.
Ever since she knew him, Subaru has always saved her, and maybe she have ever done something for once, albeit she couldn’t remember such—the cruel nature of his power never allowed anything of that kind. Yet Emilia desperately want to be the one that strive for the relationship, that can do something for him now…
“Subaru… please tell me that what I said and did was right. I don’t know what to do anymore. I never expected doing something without you, no, for you, was this difficult.” With a heart-wrenched cry, she let his hand rest on her forehead and continued wailing on and on until she also fell asleep from exhaustion.
“Roswaal-sama! What’s going on… w-why is Rem there…?”
Together with some of the mansion residents, including Frederica, Sylphy, Otto, Garfiel, Beatrice, and Petra, some carried themselves in sleepwear while others showed clear signs of insomnia—choosing their usual outfit to appear instead, especially Otto and Garfiel. Ram was now standing before her lord, Roswaal, while the man himself was accompanied by her confused sister, Rem.
“Ohhhhh Ram… that will be a long story. Perhaps we should go and find somewhere proper for talking, like the guest room for instance. We have to let both Subaru-kun and Emilia-sama have proper rest after all that chaos.”
“Cap’n? And the princess as well? What happened to them? That shouting came from—”
“Let’s go to the living room for that.”
Hearing about the two he worried about most, Garfiel tried to ask, but Roswaal promptly shut him down.
“….”
Exchanging glances in confusion, many theories and possibilities appeared in their minds, but they all knew standing there would do them no good. They decided to follow Roswaal’s instructions instead as many footsteps approached the living room.
“I’ll go prepare some tea. I expect this will take a while, right Roswaal-sama?” Taking the initiative, Frederica asked as she stood near the hallway leading to the kitchen.
“Hmmmm, maybe some brief details right now are fine. There’s no need for such, Frederica.” Roswaal coughed into his palm before glancing at Rem with a smirk unseen by everyone.
“Then tell us already! My amazing self is getting impatient now!”
“Garfiel, please calm down. Rushing Roswaal will only delay it further. I know you’re anxious about Natsuki-san after what happened in the kitchen.”
As Otto tried to console the tiger boy, Sylphy raised her hand instead. Seeing how her master seemed to prefer keeping things to himself until the appropriate time, she at least wanted some context.
“Roswaal-sama, I just want to ask something… Is this about Emilia-sama or Subaru-sama?”
The question immediately made the room turn their eyes toward Sylphy before looking back at Roswaal, who nodded lightly.
“D-did something bad happen to Subaru-sama? Please tell us what happened…” Petra begged, and to answer her question, the margrave pointed his finger toward the blue-haired girl.
“I don’t knooooow for sure. How about we ask Rem, who just woke up a day ago?”
“…Ah!?” Flinching at her name being mentioned, Rem stepped back as she saw all the gazes now directed at her. Many unresolved emotions were contained within them, but what she saw the most was a sincere desire for answers.
“I-I…”
“Rem, I’m here. Don’t worry, no one will ever dare to hurt you. Just stay calm and tell us what happened.”
“Sis…”
Seeing her hesitation, Ram immediately stepped forward and comforted her sister. Even though she had no idea what had occurred, protecting her sister was still one of the most important matters. With that reassurance, Rem squeezed her fists tightly as the memory of her first conversation with the boy who carried such a foul smell flooded back.
“I was just thinking about my current situation after waking up until I heard a knock on the door, so I answered it. I thought it was my sister, but when someone entered, the moment he stepped inside a horrible smell invaded my nose, my sense screamed toward me that’s danger…” The mention of the smell immediately made half of the mansion flinch. The miasma he usually carried had become a problem again, just like before.
“D-did you do anything to him, Rem-san?” Otto asked reluctantly, and she immediately shook her head in haste.
“No, no I didn’t. When I saw him start crying and weeping, I asked who he was and where my sister was. I didn’t know who he was, and he just barged into my room like that so I was scared… and… and…” Suddenly stuttering in panic, Rem couldn’t bring herself to look up at the gazes on her, afraid she had done something wrong. But the warm embrace of her sister snapped her out of that fear as Ram traced her fingers to Rem’s eyelids, wiping her tears away.
“Don’t worry, Rem. I’m here. Your sister is here…” Wrapping her arms around Rem’s back, Ram eased her burden with her presence and a reassuring look that encouraged her to continue.
“I asked him who he was and he just started freaking out, saying that he’s not a Witch Cultist and scrambled out of the room. I tried to follow him to ask what was wrong when I met the white-haired girl.”
“Emilia-sama!?” Petra jolted upright upon hearing the description of the half-elf and grew even more worried as she remembered what had happened before. Emilia’s unstable state was concerning, to say the least. She had refused to even take a break until Sylphy convinced her. If this was what happened to them, Petra feared Emilia wouldn’t refuse the idea of sticking to Subaru’s side, even if it was self-destructive.
“S-she saw him crawling away from me and misunderstood at first, but after talking for a while she took him away. After that Roswaal-sama found me and said that I should wait until someone came. That’s all.”
“Mhm… that’s indeeeeeeed what happened. Quite interesting, isn’t it?” With a smug smile, Roswaal concluded, and the room once again fell into silence.
“You know, Frederica… maybe tea isn’t needed tonight, like I said before. I sincerely believe some sleeeeeep right now is much more important.” Adding to his statement, he ended the meeting with a clap before promptly leaving earlier than anyone else.
The room was left without voices. Only whispers of the wind could be heard. Each of them was lost in their own thoughts, some not even trying to start a conversation. Soon enough, Beatrice was the second to leave without saying a word, followed by Sylphy.
“Garfiel, we’ll talk tomorrow. Let’s just get some sleep tonight.”
“Brotto… fine.”
Slapping his hand onto Garfiel’s shoulder, the merchant hurried his friend back to bed. Every matter should wait until tomorrow, when things have settled down. The Shield of the Camp wanted to refuse, but he had no excuse to deny it. Otto’s suggestion was sound.
“Let’s go, Rem. I’ll talk with you there.” The same happened with the Oni sisters, except Rem gave no resistance and obediently followed her sister out of the room.
“Petra… let’s just clean up whatever we have and sleep too, alright? I can tell you’re tired.”
“B-but Frederica-neesan… I…”
“Think about it. What can you do for Subaru-sama right now? The best thing is to keep a calm mind and always think ahead. Remember that.” Patting her orange hair, Frederica gave her a toothy smile, one she rarely showed since she often hid it with her hand. She wasn’t afraid to show it to Petra, though, because she was a good girl who knew how to appreciate the differences others might have.
“I will… thanks.”
“Great. Let’s just finish this and head back. If you find it hard to sleep, I can read you a bedtime story.” The two began to clean up, soon becoming the last ones in the room. Everything had grown quiet, waiting for the arrival of tomorrow.
“Uhmm…” Flashes of light shone through the window as Subaru’s eyes slowly opened. Still in a dreamy state, his mind couldn’t figure out why he was here, nor what had even occurred to make him lie on the bed like this, until he felt something.
It was familiar, utterly familiar. The sensation had repeated hundreds upon thousands of times. It had stuck in his mind to the point that he could never forget such a touch. It was the soft skin of her, Emilia. He knew it. It had to be her. From the consistency, to the moisture of her skin, to the feel of her touch, to the smooth sensation, to even each line in her palm, everything screamed in Subaru’s head that it was in fact her. She was holding his hand.
Ignavia Immutabilis immediately activated upon this realization. Not even the thought of activating it nor the mention of such power appeared in Subaru’s own volition. It had reached the level of instant operation the moment Emilia appeared and he has recongized it.
Subaru jolted awake with a perfectly clear mind. Not even the aches and headaches that had tormented him earlier bothered to return anymore. Everything was gone the moment he knew Emilia was next to him.
But again he was surprised. Instead of lying on the bed, she was kneeling beside it, and it immediately triggered something inside Subaru. How dare he let an angel like her sleep like this? He was supposed to escort her to bed and let her have the most beautiful sleep she deserved. What made him act so slothful like that? What happened yester—
Right. Oh right… Yesterday…
“Rem…” Muttering the name of the one he once loved, who now bore no resemblance anymore, he knew that maybe it was still salvageable, that he could get the old Rem back. But now he wasn’t sure he could even look at the Rem he knew anymore.
It was still there. The torture etched deep into like a burned wound that never healed, and each memory of love felt as if he was running his fingers through the grooves of flesh, churning and charring still. The old Rem he knew wouldn’t do that, right?
But what would happen if Gluttony got him again? What if the Rem he knew acted like the one in the mansion? What if Otto tried to shove him out of the carriage again? What if Garfiel went into a rage and tore him apart? What if Beatrice left him for dead? What if Ram cut him down after everything went south? What if Roswaal used him again? What if? What if? What if?
A sinful person stuck among those with monopotential. The destructive hell of his own making now showed its true color. It was not built from those he believed would hurt him, but from those he believed he could trust.
Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave.
He had begged those sentences time and time again in that prison cell. Everyone he might know or care for never arrived, and the boredom and false expectation stretched on, making Subaru lose the will to live. Yet he couldn’t die, for the world and Satella would not allow such a privilege. He just wanted to be loved, yet he could no longer embrace those who had hurt him before. Gluttony had shown him the forbidden fruit that should never have been given to one single person.
Natsuki Subaru.
He knew they would never understand. They did nothing wrong, at least from their point of view. But Return by Death was not that merciful. The memories lingered and bled, trickling into the cup that had soon been shattered by Gluttony. He could not bear to look at them anymore, even though he knew how much he loved them.
He wanted to talk to Otto, the first person who had become his friend. He wished to play with Garfiel, the young boy who looked up to him like a brother. He craved bantering with Ram, whose harsh words were always the spice that warmed his heart. He needed to give Beatrice more cuddles, he had promised to free her from the depths of loneliness after all.
He longed for Rem, for she was the pillar he had always leaned on in the cruel and bleak world. She had given him the reason to continue, to become the coolest version of himself in front of her, to become the hero of her heart, the one who would save everyone and everything. Ever since the Capital, she had been his source of strength. He was still afraid to show Emilia his weak side, and Rem had been there to support him. If Emilia was the light that showed him the way forward, Rem was the one who allowed him to step ahead.
But now he had lost it. Subaru now knew he was no hero. His hands were still too small to grasp anything beyond a few people. He couldn’t even save Emilia by himself. How could he possibly become a hero in a world where you could meet a genius every three steps?
To die again and again? That was not how he wanted to use this power. At least it wasn’t until everything went wrong for him. Now he was not as hesitant to die, but Subaru did not want to die for the sake of others he did not even know anymore. His life was too full for something like that. He just wanted to die for Emilia.
“Because you’re Rem’s hero!”
No, I’m not your hero. I can’t be a hero. I never could be.
“There’s nothing wrong with giving up. But it doesn’t suit you!”
Then what? I have to keep going? To endure, and then what? Be betrayed again?
I’m no one. I’m nothing without others. I couldn’t even move forward without your help. But by doing so I couldn’t find a way to care for myself anymore. I started to think living for myself was selfish. I just wanted to be a hero who saved the day, one who would make you proud when I told you the story afterward. But now I cannot even hold your gaze anymore, let alone talk.
“I would be fine without Rem, right? I don’t want to be a hero anymore. I’m sorry… but all of that for me is worthless now.” Muttering while tightening his grasp, Subaru lamented. Even now his hand still craved her presence.
Settling her onto the bed, he basked in the sensation of Emilia. Yet now he only wanted to forget, to be with her. He did not want to care or feel anything else anymore. Just having the one he loved next to him was enough. There was no longer any need to think, hate, or fear.
“Emilia… Emilia-tan…” Murmuring into her chest, he choked out.
“I don’t know what to do anymore… I’m sorry….Sorry…everyone, Rem….”
Sorry that I could never love you the right way. Sorry that I couldn’t repay you for what you did. Sorry to whoever was hurt by me. And sorry that I just don’t want to care anymore.
For those who treated me with agony, and now in agony I shall exist, while many cannot.
The paradise awaited me in the arms of my beloved still, right?
…
…
…
THIS IS THE ONLY WAY IT COULD HAVE ENDED
SELFFISNESS NO LONGER NEED IT ULTIMATE PRACTIONER.
HEART OF ONE AND ONLY WAS CRUSHED UNDER THE WHEEL OF A MAN WHO LOVE CREATED TO CARE OTHER AND THE OTHER’S LOVE WAS CREATED TO HURT OTHERS UNTIL THE OTHERS WAS CREATED TO HURT THE MAN.
SAMSARA OF CUT SINEW AND CRUSHED BONE. YET ALL RETAINS ARE ONE BROKEN MIND WITH THE TENDONS BINDED ONE BODY STILL.
LIFE WITHOUT DEATH.
OUROBOROS. ALL THAT REMAIN WAS SUFFERING WITHOUT REASON.
A MAGNUM OPUS. A COLD TOWER OF STEEL MADE TO REPRESENT FLESH HEART. A MAN MADE TO HURT ANOTHER MAN NOW DEVOTED HIMSELF TO A WOMAN.
YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL. LIKE ANTENNEAS STRECHED TO HEAVEN, LIKE THE SPIDER WEBS THAT I USED TO CLIMBED AWAY FROM HELL.
YOU, WHO BEYOND THE CRUELTY OF THE WORLD, REBRANED MY GLUTTONY. WHEN I REACHED OUT FOR GOD, AND FELL, NONE WERE LEFT TO SPEAK, EXCEPT YOU.
MY CONFESSION, NOTHING ELSE. NO GAP BETWEEN US. NO RELATIONSHIP LEFT TO CUT US DOWN AWAY. NO POINT TO DELVE INTO OTHER’S DISPUTE. PERFECT CLOSURE.
E M I L I A , M Y L O V E.
T H I S I S T H E O N L Y W A Y I T S H O U L D H A V E E N D E D.
And in the strilling mind of the young boy who buried himself into another comfort, something has awakened, the ravenous craving of one who desires to have the most satiable of it all.