Chapter Text
“Yuya,”
He looked up, huffing out smoke as he held his cigarette in one hand.
“Kazuki said to help him out in the storage room, he says he can’t reach the top shelf without you.”
Another host passed the message to Yuya, who was leaning against the cold wall of Stardust. The streets were bustling as usual, businessmen were loudly complaining about their jobs, school girls giggling as they walked past a handsome host, the second level of Serena shining brightly in the night, where three people were happily drinking inside. If you asked Yuya, he could never get sick of this; like hell would he ever allow anything to happen to this city.
His boss’s name hit him sharply, as if his mind and heart were pinched, causing a heavy yet unnoticeable sigh to escape his parted lip at the mention of the host. How unusual for him to be feeling this heavy upon hearing the fact that Kazuki needed his help. Usually, he would be wiggling his tail like a dog, eager to help Kazuki out with the stocks or kicking out clients who were brewing trouble with the other hosts.
It has been a week after the ‘incident’, as Yuya would call it in his mind. That night’s experience was etched into his mind, making him see it so vividly, as if he was there again if he closed his eyes; the smell of his perfume, the champagne glazing his pink lips, which matched his flushed face when their bodies moved closer-
Yuya could also recall alongside that moment, how he cleaned Kazuki right away, called him a cab, went home and dealt with a certain issue in the toilet.
The embarrassment was burned into his mind as well.
He snapped back to reality after hearing the door beside him shut, jumping back to his senses as the cigarette’s ash started to drop onto his recently polished shoes. Yuya groaned as he tossed the stick to the side, preparing himself mentally before walking back into the club to attend to Kazuki’s aid.
The day after the “incident” felt like torture for Yuya. It was by far one of the worst days of his life, to his surprise. For starters, he woke up in a frenzy as he was almost an hour late, thanks to his stupid phone being dead after the party, which caused his arrival time at the train station and ultimately arriving at Stardust late. Despite being open in the evening, Yuya usually helped with the club preparation and stock checking before switching to the role of the club’s bouncer.
As he went along with his day, the second thing hit him, something felt off as he got to the club. Kazuki was not there. Before he could ask the other hosts where the man was, they approached him first, immediately after Yuya set foot into the resting room.
“Have you heard from the boss?”
“Is he sick?”
“Do you know if he’s going to be late?”
“Why are you guys asking me?”
“Because you were the last one to drink with him, and I guess we all kind of assumed you guys were close to each other, no?”
Close, huh? Yuya would have never thought of that. He felt as if they were two worlds- no, universes apart. How could he ever be mentioned in the same sentence as Kazuki? That man is the star of the galaxies, and he’s just…
Sure, they talked sometimes, but honestly, that night was the closest they’ve ever gotten. Besides that, it was just a casual check-in conversation or Kazuki telling Yuya to help with something. The man could only dream about getting to know the host even more. Hell, he might as well sign himself up as a client and get a night with him, at this point. But Yuya knew deep down that he did not have the guts to get closer to the man.
So Yuya could only be surprised when every other host went up to him, asking about Kazuki. He himself did not know how to reply, and his brain was already fried from last night, so there was not a single working brain cell. Unless you count out the ones that were there to constantly replay last night’s encounter. Yuya was hoping that he could specifically get rid of that memory, no matter how much his heart ached to experience it again.
He had no idea what they were on about and just shook his head, walking away to put his bag down, getting ready to clean the place up. Hours passed without Kazuki’s presence, and it only worried the man even more as time passed. It felt weird, not having the host around, even if it was for one day. All he knew was that he closed the club up, feeling a weird knot in his guts, and by the time he went to bed, he was feeling rather disappointed as he did not get to see Kazuki.
He was confused about how he felt; his heart and mind playing games with him was so exhausting. A part of him just wanted to text Kazuki, to confess straight up. But another part of him felt guilty for even liking him, as if it was a sin and wanted nothing but to get rid of the stupid feelings he had for the host. The guilt would continue to eat him alive, as he did not get an hour of sleep for this whole week.
A few days passed, and Kazuki returned after another sick day off. Every other host gathered around him to flock him with questions, wondering if their boss was feeling alright. Kazuki would only smile and brush off any more questions about his health as he wanted to get back to business. Everyone would quickly leave and get back to what they were doing, hoping that they would not cause trouble for him on his first day back. Whereas for Yuya… oh, stupid Yuya, he was avoiding Kazuki at all costs.
Ironic, isn’t it?
Yuya could only dream about Kazuki and his warm embrace, but for now, he did not have the guts to face that man. At first, he thought that it was bad that Kazuki was not around, but now, he felt even worse about the man and felt horrible when they were in the same room. Yuya did not know what was happening to him, his poor heart and mind, this whole thing was so awkward, it was driving him insane!
The two did not talk much throughout the days, and only when necessary. It felt as if they were back to being strangers again, losing that spark of connection. But mainly, Yuya would blame it on himself. Whenever Kazuki caught Yuya looking at him, the air between them would thicken as he would quickly look away, hoping that the host did not notice that. Moreover, whenever Kazuki attempted the slightest of an outside-work conversation, Yuya would dodge the question, either by leaving or allowing another host to step into the conversation and grab Kazuki’s attention away, which only pushed the two of them further and further away from each other.
Despite all this, Yuya would not know what to say if we were to come face to face with Kazuki. Would he fully confess? What would the host think? How would he handle his aching heart?
“It was just an accident, Yuya. I was drunk.”
“Let’s forget about this.”
“Yuya, you disgust me.”
“I love you too, Yuya”
Overthinking would get him nowhere.
He felt like he was back to square one, or worse. Forcing himself to forget everything that happened that night was getting him nowhere. Not when his mind was telling him no, but his heart yearned for more. This whole thing was going to be the death of him, as it was slowly eating him alive. He has never felt this suffocated in his life ever, maybe second to being actually suffocated. He despised how the tension between them changed day to day; the more they avoided each other’s gaze, the more he himself ran away from Kazuki. It was eating him alive.
At this point, Yuya had no intention of ever confessing, as there was a constant replay of all the worst possible outcomes if he were to bring it up. He wanted to get rid of the feelings, so he could only avoid the main cause - Kazuki. He wanted to do nothing with these romantic feelings anymore; maybe it was just an intoxication, after all, with all these days, he was able to really think about his intention with Kazuki.
Yuya let out a deep sigh before heading to the back of the club, wondering in the back of his mind how he would have to face Kazuki now. He could not outright reject the boss’s orders, so he had no other choice but to face him this time. Maybe he could dodge the question, act dumb, or just be honest? No, it would only make things worse. By the time he finished spiralling, he reached the front of the storage room. His palms were starting to feel sticky and wet, sweat trickling down his neck. Has it always been this hot in the back hallways?
He knocked on the door hesitantly, before struggling with the doorknob and walking in. “You needed my help, sir-?”
Before Yuya could process what was happening, he felt a familiar hand grab him from the front and drag him through the cramped room, before being pinned to the wall and thrown. He had no idea what was happening as he caught his balance, looking up to meet face to face with a frustrated Kazuki.
He was speechless, his jaw agape, but nothing came out. He did not know what to say or how to confront the host. The two of them stood in silence, yet completely understanding each other. Yuya felt that there was going to be a hole that formed on the ground and swallowed him alive, with how scared shitless he was.
It was like that night, when he was trapped under Kazuki’s intoxicating spell, as if he was roped up into his strings. He could fight it off and easily push the host away to remain professional and maintain his boundary. But obviously, Yuya froze up once again, just because of Kazuki’s touch. What a weak, weak man he was.
His eyes darted everywhere but Kazuki, forcing himself to look at the exit sign, from the box labels to the other packages. He would not be surprised if Kazuki could hear his heartbeat from how close they were, and how his heart was about to jump out of his throat.
“Yuya, we need to talk.”
His heart sank right back down.
What could he have expected? This moment was bound to happen; it was only a matter of time until it did. He could not run away from it forever. Yuya did not know what to do, what to say, what to… maybe he could play dumb and say that he was so drunk that he forgot everything but wasn’t Kazuki the drunk one so how could we still remember he just had to say something say anything just do it just act dumb-
“Talk, who, huh?”
He awkwardly chuckled
‘Not that dumb, dammit, Yuya!’
Yuya really wanted to do nothing but kill himself at that moment from embarrassment, his face heating up not because of their proximity…well, partially, but from the sheer humiliation. Kazuki gave a really frustrated yet confused face, clearly seeing through his lies. The man let out a sigh, brushing his hair back from the tight space he was in, trying to keep his cool after that shameful ritual. This was a mistake, his mind slightly clearer as he knew that his next step was to just deny.
‘I’m right, this whole thing was stupid, Kazuki would never want a man like me, especially after all this.’
“Yuya.”
Kazuki warned with a stern voice, pushing closer and closer into his personal space, which made Yuya want to back up even more. But he was already pushed up against the wall, feeling as if he would fuse with it. He swallowed whatever saliva was left in his mouth, preventing him from speaking up as his face now flushed from the rush. He could smell that familiar perfume and that new sweet shampoo that Kazuki mentioned the other week.
“You’ve been avoiding me. Why’s that?” The host pushed and questioned, as if he were interrogating Yuya for a heinous crime that he had committed. Like everyday in the past week, his mind was blank, totally gone from this world as the last few brain cells of his could only focus on the way that Kazuki was looking at him from below, eyelashes batting as his brows furrowed. It was rare to see the host angry, and whenever he was, Yuya knew that someone was in a predicament.
Now, he was the one in that position.
“Kazuki, look, we could just forget about this all. I’m sorry if I’ve crossed the line with what I did. But… I’m serious, let’s just forget about it, you were drunk and so was I, and we acted on impulse. So it’s best if we just move on from this, yeah?” Yuya’s mouth betrayed his heart.
‘No, please don’t ever forget about that night, please.’
He could see how Kazuki’s eyes widened slightly, his mouth opening to say something, but only for it to shut tightly. He noticed how the host’s jaw clenched and knew how uncomfortable it was. Before Yuya could reach a hand out to comfort the host, Kazuki slapped his arm away and slammed his palm beside Yuya’s face. The bouncer felt himself flinch, a part of him thinking that Kazuki would slap Yuya so hard across his face that he might cough up blood. Yikes.
“No! I can’t stand you acting like thin ice around me all the time. If you have something on your mind, just spit it out. Do you not know how tense it is for the other hosts and me? We are coworkers for Christ's sake, we have to communicate! That is literally our jobs. It’s like, whenever I want to just talk about what happened, before I could even open my mouth, you just walk away. Yuya, please, it’s just, tense. Because I… because.” Kazuki snapped, and he eventually trailed off at the last few words. His brown eyes diverted, not being able to bring himself to look at the taller man.
Yuya was still trying to process everything that Kazuki just said to him, digesting the fact that his actions not only affected his boss, but also the rest of the club. How could he be so selfish all the time? He also caught onto the last sentence, his heart sinking down deeper.
‘Fuck, I made him uncomfortable, now he probably realise how much he despises me… Look how mad he is, just because of me.’
‘This is a mistake, everything is a mistake, my feelings were a mistake.’
‘I’d just ruin it all.’
However, his hands had other ideas, and clearly they were acting before his mind could when they reached out for Kazuki’s chin. The beautiful host let out a small gasp as his face was pulled in front of Yuya’s, and it felt like forever for their face to inch closer and closer, and their lips about to collide-
Crash
“Kazuki? The other hosts are looking for you; they said that a customer is requesting you. Also, I accidentally knocked down a box. I’ll pick it up for you later,” A host shouted at the door of the storage room, causing the two men to stop in their tracks, immediately tensing up. Luckily, they were in the back corner of the room, which was covered with layers of shelves and boxes, not allowing someone from the entrance to see them clearly.
Before Yuya could get himself together and seal that kiss, it was already too late. Kazuki has pushed himself away, now taking steps further and further away. “Kazuki, wait-” Yuya was interrupted when the host looked away, quickly adjusting his clean white suit, yet he still looked tense no matter how he tried to calm himself down.
“No, it’s okay. You’re right, Yuya, let’s just forget about this whole thing. I’m sorry for snapping at you” Kazuki barely sounded audible, his lowered head now looking straight back at him, forcing a smile. His necklace reflected under the strong light, catching Yuya’s attention as he squinted. He noticed Kazuki’s eyes were wet; was he crying?-
Kazuki turned his head around and slowly left, the echo of his dress shoe sending chills down Yuya. The sound eventually faded, yet Yuya was stuck to the ground, his mind still unable to catch up with everything, cursing his impulsive body. All that was left in him was a loud groan and gripping his hair so tight it looked like he fought the wind in that room.
He now knew that this silly dream was going to be just a dream forever.
If only he were braver with his feelings.