Chapter Text
internet support group.
he emailed dan a few weeks before, looking for help, partially as a joke, since most of the videos were more funny than helpful with a solution. he briefly explained the situation with shane and russia in the email, looking for a new perspective.
dan didn't include it in the video; there were thousands of emails, probably, the chance of his getting picked was slim. but he got a private reply now, a month later.
hi ilya :D
first of all, i'm sorry for replying to this so late. the problem seems both urgent and long-term.
i didn't want to include the response in the video, because this looked too serious to even slightly make fun of it for youtube audience. but i felt the need to say something, give you my perspective that you asked for, even though i'm not really qualified to advise on this, especially not to someone my age.
the situation you're in is partially familiar to me, not saying which parts (even though it's obviously not me being russian). i just wanted to mention that, so you know i am speaking from some experience and with a lot of understanding. also, you're really brave for coming out and telling me all of that, braver than me, so maybe i should ask you for some advice myself. anyway. i'm sorry, i talk too much, but you know that already... so here are my thoughts:
i understand that it's undeniably scary to admit those feelings, first to yourself, then to the other person. it's completely valid to feel the way you do, to have a hard time making a final decision if it's worth it or not. you've already admitted it to yourself, that itself is huge, but also, after that, i feel like there's only going forward. you'll regret going back, i know i would have. i still have no clue how i managed to get over a fear like that, but it got me to where i am now, which is not perfect, but i am undescribably happier than before, happier than i would have been if i turned back. you've got a lot to lose, i know, but weigh it somehow on your subjective scale, without overthinking, go with what feels right and things will come into their place. the way you talk about him, and i know you're being too vague, but still, i can see that you love him a lot, that he might be one of the rare reasons you keep going (sorry if i got that wrong, maybe i'm self-inserting), so i'd say go for it, go get him. you two will figure out how to make it work, i'm not good for specific advice for your situation i probably don't know enough about, but you two are living that now, feeling all of it intensely, and a solution will come on its own, you'll build it together, based on your restrictions and needs. there will be compromises, but please, communicate everything you feel, everything you think feels relevant, and if you both do, you won't end up unhappy, you won't end up wondering. i'm not the best person to speak about this, nor do i know exactly how you feel about it, but i'd say that having no living family that you care about in russia anymore might be a blessing in disguise. it gives you more freedom, making the choice of abandoning it feel less like a sacrifice. cherish the memories of russia, bring things you care about home, and don't look back. your new life isn't there anymore. let yourself be happier without russia's strings holding you back, now that they're weaker than ever. and your guy. if you choose him, if you take the leap, he'll be happier, he'll feel chosen, cherished, loved, i know he would, because if you managed to show me how you feel with a simple message, i know he'll be getting an even better display of it. and seeing him happy, loved, calm, at least for those moments when it's possible, you'll know that choosing him was the best choice you ever made. maybe i'm being too idealistic because i've been lucky, but even as a generally pessimistic and dark person, i can say i somehow have a good feeling about this.
i'm not exaggerating it, i really believe in you, ilya, make a choice that's yours, the one that feels right
i can't promise to hear you out if you decide to open up more, i'm drowning in emails from phans, but please do give me a follow-up, and i hope your message reaches me :)
don't cry — craft,
dan
(okay, no, sorry, that was terrible, it was an attempt to make you laugh after all of those emotions... i can't come up with anything better it's 4am, and i feel the consequences of aging and not exercising when i was more physically able)
but ilya was already crying, i mean, crafting, while reading that mail. his cheeks were fully wet before he realized how much he was holding back the whole time.
it was great that gravity was a thing because if those tears didn't get dragged down by it, he wouldn't have been able to read the whole message. but he did. and he chuckled at the end, thankful for the lighter ending.
the surge of emotions made him impulsive, more than usual. he opened the twitter chat with 'hayden,' and typed out:
i'm coming to the cottage.
and hit send, before the reality could have taken hold of him. at midnight, like a wish for a better tomorrow.
he didn't expect a reply from shane so soon, he was hoping that he'd be asleep and that taking back what he said would've been possible in the following hours, since you could just delete twitter messages like they never existed.
but it was opened just a few minutes later, ilya saw the exact moment, since he'd been staring at it the whole time, unable to close the chat, shaking from anticipation and fear. he hummed the melody of 'the internet is here' to calm himself down.
umm... what? 12.07am
connor, are you spying on me? is there a way to listen to someone's real-life conversations over twitter? 12.09am
of course he'd think that, he wasn't a fan of social media. who knows what stupid conspiracies his teammates fed him in the locker room? the last time he walked past it, he overhead bluetooth conspiracies. about how it's bad for your health, that it may cause brain cancer?
and then another two came.
wait, is that a fake name? are you someone who actually saw me in person and you're trying to fuck with me? 12.12am
i swear i'll fucking block you if you don't start explaining, i see that you're in the chat the whole time, fucker. this is really creepy. 12.14am
ilya was like paralyzed, he wanted to reply, to explain, but he didn't know how to begin, so he called 'jane.'
he answered right away, surprised.
"ilya, what is it? why are you calling in the middle of the night?"
"i'm coming to the cottage, shane. it was me on twitter, the fanfic guy, i swear," was all he managed to reply, before cowardly hanging up and taking a deep breath.
a few minutes passed before a new message came in.
are you holding him hostage? 12.17am
he had to reply right away, he couldn't let shane keep panicking.
oh my god, no, shane, it's really me. there's no connor, that was just me being a coward, using a fake name, just like you did . i probably should've just replied in our regular chat for less confusion, but a part of me wanted to let you know that this was also me, since i figured out you were 'hayden' 12.20am
just, if you ever do the fake name thing again, please pick something better, i disliked you slightly in the beginning just for that fuckass name (jane is a good alternative ;)) 12.22am
ilya had to try to joke a bit, to lighten the mood, to take shane's thoughts away from the chaotic story he made up. a new set of messages came.
ilya, please, if you're being held hostage, do or write something out of character so i know... 12.23am
if not... god, this is confusing. especially this late and with my head not functioning well in the first place. i just hope you're okay, because, right now, i'm the worst person to be subtly calling for help. 12.25am
he had to be overthinking it all, of course.
ilya's eyes got teary again when he saw how much shane cared and worried for him, even when he was kind of out of his mind. he replied, hoping to calm shane down for real this time, and let him sleep peacefully.
no help needed here, promise. okay, if i tell you i remember that your dad reads the new yorker, do you believe that it's me? (no kidnappers would know to search for that info from me and make me say it to you, if they made me say something only we know about, i'd lie and somehow let you know it's not me) 12.29am
or if i say i remember you prefer to drink ginger ale and eat only weird bird food, but you still ate the tuna melts i made you and complimented them? 12.31am
or if i correctly tell you the number of beauty marks on your left butt cheek, will you be sure? 12.32am
maybe someone else counted them too, but what are the odds of me being kidnapped by another guy who fucked you? or rose landry lol 12.34am
he saw shane typing and deleting messages rapidly, taking a break every time ilya sent a new one.
no, there was nobody else. and rose isn't that weird, we're still friends, don't talk about her like that. 12.35am
you've convinced me. for now. this is all too confusing, i'll need a conversation about it when i feel more functioning brain cells in my head. a video call, as soon as possible, ilya. 12.37am
he wanted shane to rest, so he obliged.
okay, a video call, without me looking around at men with guns pointed at me :) 12.38am
sorry, i shouldn't be joking about it, you seem seriously spooked. i *p r o m i s e* i'm okay. 12.39am
good night, shane <3 12.40am
see you tomorrow on my tiny glowing screen, can't wait 12.40am
shane probably fell asleep with the phone in his hand since the reply he got was probably typed as an accident.
s2uo 12.40am
ilya felt lighter. like he was glad he was impulsive with the message. he regretted making shane worry, but felt like he did the right thing by cutting the bullshit and being direct for once.
he fell asleep not long after shane. knowing he had an alarm to wake him for his home game rituals the next day. he made a mental note to thank dan, but later, after the situation got more resolved, he didn't want to make a soap opera out of it.
he woke up earlier than when his alarm was set to wake him. a phone call from 'jane.' seemed urgent at 9am.
"shane, i can't do a video call this early, let me sleep more," he said in a grumpy morning voice.
shane talked over him, "ilya, i dreamed about you being kidnapped, maybe it was a prophecy, i had to warn you, or just check if you're good... wait, what? video call? why would we-"
ilya immediately understood that shane thought the conversation they had wasn't real. but how? there was proof on twitter. he went to check if it was still there, maybe they both hallucinated.
fucking twitter app was down.
no surprise shane couldn't get himself to believe it was real, then. it was easier to think it wasn't.
"not a dream, shane. maybe yes, maybe you also continued dreaming about it after, but the chat on twitter last night was real, and the short call, and me saying that i'm coming to the cottage, now for the third time. and scheduling a video call for today for clarity."
shane took a bit to process it. "fuck. yeah, you're right, it's too early for this, sorry, continue sleeping," he was about to end the call.
"shane, wait. what the fuck? i'm fully awake now, don't hang up. i don't think either of us could continue sleeping now."
"i can't do a video call now, i look like shit."
"shane, please, you never do. i've seen you wake up enough times to know how beautiful you are in the morning."
"that's... that's not true, don't lie like that," shane stuttered, but still turned his camera on, tiredly looking at the screen, the corner of his lips raising slightly.
"can't say i'm lying when i got concrete proof in front of me, your honor," ilya also turned his camera on, grinning proudly when he got what he wanted, "gorgeous, but your camera isn't doing you justice, it's hiding the freckles i love so much."
it slipped. even though it wasn't a clear 'i love you,' something similar was out there.
"what do you want me to do, get a better camera so you could count my freckles and ignore everything i'm saying?"
"hmmm, no, i can multitask. and i've already counted them, the ones on your face. there's 81, my number, like fate."
"you're lying, tell me the real number."
"i'm not fucking lying, shane, i swear you've been wearing my number on your face, count them yourself then, you're being ungrateful. i don't usually do this counting service thing for free."
shane let out a small laugh, now fully awake and actually enjoying the conversation, barely remembering what he called about.
"uh... so what was the yesterday thing about? i couldn't check the messages so i really thought it was a dream..."
ilya got dragged back to reality by that, shifting to a more serious expression.
"you thought i was kidnapped, but i'm fine, at home, alone. for hours it's just been me and pillows and sheets," he switched to back camera to show shane around, proving that there was nobody else around, "i was just... impulsive? revealed myself too quickly... i swear, i had no idea it was you before. i just caught on when you said about asking the question, getting a maybe. i started connecting the dots. the texting pattern, the timing of your texts, your number in the stupid username... it made sense quickly."
"so you've been the fanfiction guy... the whole time."
"yes, i was pretty bored and got a new fun hobby, i honestly thought i'd gain more attention and get more reactions. but, somehow, you were the first and only one, sadly."
"you're not sad about it, you find it funny, i see that smirk."
"maybe it is a bit funny, how you found me there. i was just surprised that you watched youtube and knew about fanfiction," ilya tried his best to distract shane from mentioning the contents of his story.
"i've actually been watching them for a while now, for years, but fanfiction is new to me. i only read yours."
"that doesn't make any sense at all, how the fuck did you end up there?"
"rose sent me the link, she said i might find it interesting because it's a hockey au, she didn't read it, but said that it seemed like it'd interest me, and she got that right."
"oh, so i have to thank your ex-girlfriend for that?"
"you don't have to thank her... but that's how i ended up there, and then i contacted you, hoping to talk to a stranger with similar interests and issues."
"but it happened to be me again, you're unlucky."
"did you just want to write about hockey under a mask of something else, and write about phan because they're currently popular online with a big fanbase, hoping to get their fans into hockey?"
"no, but that's a good guess, maybe i should do something like that, it would bring a new demographic of fans. what do you think, maybe harry potter hockey fic? or kpop?"
"please don't, i don't think other fandoms would get your humor. i don't think the phandom does either, that's probably why i was the first and only one to comment."
ilya acted hurt, "ouch. shane hollander, who knew you could be such an asshole? save some of those for the face-offs, maybe you'll catch me off guard."
"shut up, i can win the puck without playing dirty."
"maybe... but i know you do like playing dirty..."
"ilya, please, i'm staying with my parents."
"and you didn't think that was important enough to mention earlier? i could've said, maybe shouted, something way worse..."
"i know, we should probably switch back to texts. at least i'm now 90% sure you weren't kidnapped."
ilya was sad to let him go, to know the call would end soon. "only 90? how do i get the other 10?"
"i guess i won't be sure until i see you in person."
"that's on you, i still don't have the details about the cottage..." ilya pouted.
"you're in the playoffs, you can't play from here. but i am rooting for your opponents if that means i get to laugh at your team and have you here sooner."
"the team is playing shitty, i doubt we'll get far, but keep that a secret, i can't be heard saying that as the captain. i just hope we beat the stupid admirals, after that i'm happily coming over whenever we lose."
"there's no way, scott is doing fantastic this season, you're too distracted."
"guess whose fucking fault is that?" and he let himself be vulnerable again, disguised in playful anger.
"i've been around for your whole career, and you never blamed it on me before, not wins, not losses."
"yeah, but i never saw you get hurt like that before... it was terrifying."
shane turned around just as he was saying that, looking like he had heard a noise from another room.
"i'm sorry, that was my mom, i should go, she would probably figure us out."
ilya just nodded, defeated.
once the call ended, the emotions settled in. the conversation was simple and fun; it was easy to get distracted and feel happy around shane. but it always had to be so short.
maybe he didn't think back about the fanfiction. maybe he didn't overanalyze everything ilya spilled there. it could've just been that ilya was really good at putting himself in dan's or phil's place and writing down the emotions he didn't actually feel himself.
but what if shane did get it? what if he realized at some point that it was about him, the whole time? ilya did want to stop lying and hiding.
maybe not like that. he didn't want a confession over fanfiction, how fucking lame. he almost wanted to call shane and drop all the feelings obvious, so he'd hear it honestly there, from him, his voice, and not think back about the words he wrote. but that scared the shit out of him, so he relied on shane's taking things at face value to keep him in the dark for just a bit more as he gathered the courage.
shane texted more often, talking mostly about boston's games, telling ilya what to do better, now that his own team was out of the run for the cup. as much as he hated boston, he wanted to see ilya play good hockey, which was cute.
once ilya lost to fucking scott hunter, he was mad, but felt slight relief, knowing that he'd be going to shane's as soon as possible. he imagined the cottage over and over again, but never landed at the thought that it'd be a glass box in the middle of nowhere.
everything in it was very shane, but it was obvious he'd done a bit of cleaning, expecting a guest.
the encounter was awkward at first, like two internet friends meeting in person for the first time. but ilya settled in quickly, already claiming his side of the bed in the master bedroom.
they promised to be honest with each other from now on, to avoid further miscommunication, and just feel at least a bit of imaginary relaxation for once.
on their first night there, they sat outside, on the porch, looking up at the sky full of stars.
shane brought up the stories of himself as a kid in ottawa, how much he missed the place when he first went to montreal, and how much he still felt more at home there whenever he had the chance to come back.
ilya wasn't as sentimental about places; he found his home in people, rather than locations. so he also felt the most at home there, next to shane.
but maybe that was too much to mention in the moment.
he joined the conversation by talking about his mother.
shane obviously couldn't understand the emotions he had to go through, but he was supportive, comforting, without overstepping.
"why did you want me here for the summer?" ilya blurted out, wishing to hear something that would calm his insecurities down.
his eyes met a curious but soft stare from shane, followed by an answer, "i wanted to experience freedom with you. to do whatever we like without the fear of being caught and getting in trouble. to just have a safe space where i could meet the real ilya rozanov, without the mask made for the general public."
"but what if i'm the same, if nothing changes in private?"
"i already know you're not, you wouldn't publicly be so vulnerable and caring. you wouldn't be caught dead writing gay fanfiction about two british youtubers, whose videos don't match your public persona at all."
"hmmm... but i'd find a way to get away with it. people say i'm quirky online, so i don't think anything would be unexpected from me."
"kissing me in public would be."
"but i did get away with that, too, remember the all-star game?"
"not in that context."
ilya sat up and got his face closer to shane's, whispering, "i'm just teasing you, i know they'd be shocked to see me kiss you like this."
he cupped his face gently, staring fondly at the freckles and lips he was about to kiss. then he leaned in slowly, closing the distance, sliding a hand through shane's hair just above the back of his neck.
this kiss felt more intimate than before. still full of hunger, but it was the one that made shane undoubtedly realize ilya did not want him for sex only. this one promised a future, not a carelessly happy one, but the one they both yearned for, the one where they get to be together through whatever life threw at them.
even though he was confused by the change, shane accepted it and let himself have the peace he hoped for.
a strange noise interrupted the moment.
ilya almost fell off the chair on his ass, grabbing onto shane who surprisingly held him tight. "what the fuck was that?"
"a loon?" shane said, as if it was obvious.
ilya made a confused expression, shaking his head slightly, looking around like there's something dangerous around them.
"it's a bird, relax," he laughed, grabbing ilya's hand in his and doing a weird, similar bird call back.
"oh so you speak bird too?"
"mhm, fluent."
it made another sound, but it was quieter now, further away from them. "stupid canadian wolf bird," ilya said under his breath, sighing. he looked back at shane.
"did you learn russian in the meantime? since you speak so many languages."
"no, i probably should've... i'm sorry. but i promise i didn't understand what you said on the phone call, it seemed too personal."
"do you want to know what i said?"
"only if you want me to hear it, and if it's not too difficult in english."
ilya chuckled, leaning his head on shane's shoulder and interlocking their fingers, looking down at them.
"it's not, i already typed it out, and you read it. the simpler version, but i can try to fill the gaps now, since we're being honest..."
shane didn't dare to interrupt, he thought it would ruin the moment if he breathed too loudly or moved a millimeter.
and ilya did tell him all of it, saying what he mentioned in the call but not the fanfiction, adding the thoughts and feelings that developed in the meantime. he talked about writing to dan for help, maybe as a joke, maybe not. about the reply he got which helped him decide for good and pushed him to actually do something.
"i love you too, ilya," shane replied, after seconds of deafening silence that followed the monologue. he brushed through his curls and tried to lift his head a bit with his other hand, but ilya was stubborn.
his tears already dripped onto shane's fingers, but he refused to look up immediately. a big, almost hysterical, smile formed on his face, but he buried it in shane's chest, before he could notice, and hugged him tightly.
"can you say it in russian?"
ilya nodded, moving his head away a bit so he could be heard, "я люблю тебя." he looked up at shane shyly as he said it, wanting to meet his eyes, to let him know he really meant it.
shane tried to repeat it back, but this time he wasn't so perfect on the first try. ilya found it endearing either way.
after an hour of only holding each other and enjoying the newfound warmth, they headed back inside, both needing some screen time.
shane turned on a playlist of his favorite phan videos, and whenever a video ilya already watched came up, he told stories about how he tried to play the same games as them, or learned new words through them.
while watching the 'dan vs phil' videos, or some others that had interesting activities in them, shane suggested that the two of them could try those, while they had time and place to do so, at the cottage. and they did. ilya's daydreaming did come true.
they made a similar, but better board for keeping score and did loads of competitive 'shane vs ilya' games. it was comforting for both of them to know they actually did enjoy each other's presence outside of just sexual encounters. they let themselves be kids again for a bit.
they baked together, making a mess out of the previously unused kitchen.
when ilya got sad that they couldn't just film themselves having fun and get to watch those memories again, shane suggested that they could have something like a shared diary, writing down what they did each day. they both had their own notebooks that they planned to switch when the time ran out, so they could see everything again from the other's eyes and in the other's handwriting.
ilya easily accepted being cringe for the sake of being happy with shane. he loved the freedom it gave him, the lack of holding back.
after the first week passed, ilya said how they could turn some of the diary pages into fanfiction about themselves, but maybe that was too intimate. they weren't ready to share that much. so they wrote crack fics instead, one about only the two of them and one about them being friends with phan. ilya felt bad writing about a foursome, since he kind of considered dan a close personal friend after the email response.
he remembered to write back.
it was short and cute, thanking him and sending a link to an all-star game helmet kiss hollanov edit, with a message "i'll keep your secret and you keep ours ;)"
dan's scream echoed from london to ottawa.