Chapter Text
Kylo followed Hux into his room in silence. Neither of them has said a single word while they made their long way back to the General’s chambers.
It was already late when they left the medical station, and only a few guards crossed their path.
Hux entered the room first and held the door open for Kylo, who thanked him with a short nod.
The light inside was dimmed, what caused the bedroom to be bathed in a warm, comfortable atmosphere. Even though Kylo had spent nearly every night here for a few months now, the unmistakable smell of his partner indulged him every time he entered, especially after he’s been gone on a mission. It smelled like home to him, and he indeed feel way more at home in Hux’s room than in his own.
Kylo took off his helmet and placed it at the edge of Hux’s side table, the one that carried his personal phone and the charging station for his datapad, as usual.
Hux also regarded him with an eyebrow raised in disapproval for that action, as usual. He preferred to not have that heavy black piece anywhere besides on the floor, given that he hated it with a passion, but they hadn’t talked about that matter only once or twice so far and he was too tired to mention it again. Kylo wouldn’t change anything about it, either way.
He gave his partner an apologetic smile, even though they both knew that he wasn’t sorry, not really. His boots were the next thing he took off, at the same time as Hux did. Almost synchronous they put them down next to the jacket holder which was on the left side of the floor that led to Hux’s living room.
The General’s chamber was the only one that didn’t consist of only a living room that also served as the bedroom and a separate bathroom; the floor, where they were currently in, led to a big, light room with white walls, decorated with a few minimalistic black and white paintings. There was a comfortable sofa standing in the middle of the room, which was now facing the wall with the television monitor. With a remote, it was possible to turn the couch around by 180 degrees. It then faced the big glass front on the other side of the room, which allowed the viewer to look right at the planets and systems next to the Finalizer without having anything blocking the sight. There were three doors leading out of the room. One was the entry to the small kitchen to the left of the living room. It was equipped with a mini fridge, a cooker which provided place for two pots, a microwave, a small sink and an oven, small enough to be placed on top of the mini fridge or the desk in the living room. None of the other chambers on the ship had a personal kitchen. Officers as well as the common soldiers were expected to eat in the big lunch halls, even though they of course got separated depending on their ranks. Hux has only used the kitchen two or three times, at most. He usually was way too tired to cook something for himself after a long shift, especially when he had the possibility to just sit down in the dining hall and eat the stuff someone else has already made. The other doors led to a bedroom with a king-sized bed and a closet for the General’s clothes, and a bathroom with a shower, a tub, a sink and a toilet. Those rooms were decorated just as minimalistic as the other two, since Hux wasn’t one to fill his chambers up with unnecessary stuff, given that he normally didn’t even have the time to be there longer than to sleep or to spend a bit of time alone with his partner, anyways.
The two men sat down on the soft couch next to each other, their shoulder’s touching, still without saying a single word.
Hux waited for Kylo to start the conversation, since it was him who wanted something from Hux, not the other way around. He watched the younger man chewing on his bottom lip nervously, as if he was afraid to talk about the situation.
It was unusual for Kylo to not act confident and cocky around Hux, and after a few minutes, he almost felt bad enough for his boyfriend to start talking first.
Just when he was about to open his mouth, the Knight finally spoke. “I can’t give her away”, he said. Afterwards, he fell silent again, obviously waiting for Hux to bombard him with reasons why that was an absolute inacceptable thing, and that he will not allow a baby to stay at his battleship. But that part didn’t come.
“I know”, Hux answered after a few seconds, almost whispering. He wasn’t looking at Kylo anymore, but instead stared at the turned off TV in front of them, as if he was hoping to find a satisfying solution on the black screen. “So”, Kylo started again. “… what now?”
Hux turned his head again and looked at the Knight, who was already watching him. They shared a moment in which they just looked into the others eyes, without saying anything. If he didn’t know better, Hux would have guessed that the emotion on Kylo’s face was fear. But what would the other man be afraid of? “Let us just quickly sum up the options we have, no matter how bad they are, alright?”, Hux asked, having enough of their irresolution. It was time to finally decide on something, literally anything would do. “So, the first option is to find her a good home on the planet she’s coming from, as impossible as that sounds. Don’t even say it!”, Hux said when Kylo was already opening his mouth to protest. “I know, okay? I know that won’t work. But I want to be able to say that we did consider it before we made a decision, alright?”, he continued and Kylo nodded, lips closed again.
“Our second option would be to give her into an orphanage. There are a few planets with renowned ones, aren’t there? Maybe we find one in a system that’s on our side, so she would be at least safe from any attacks from our side. I will tell Mitaka to look it up, later.”
“But she wouldn’t be safe there, either. The Resistance might attack the planet, you know that they are an unorganized bunch of angry criminals. They can be trusted to do unreasonable things of all kinds, and you know that.”
“Yes, I do. But no one can guarantee her safety if she stays here, either. The resistance might as well attack this ship, and what then?”
Kylo sat in silence for a moment, carefully thinking about his next answer. “Then she would at least be surrounded by our most capable fighters, commanded by the most capable General.”
Hux couldn’t help but snort at that open coaxing from his boyfriend. He always did that when he wanted something. The worst thing was, it usually worked.
“The orphanage wouldn’t have any possibility to protect her. She would be left alone with people who never fought once in their life, and even if they had, that wouldn’t help anyone if the Resistance let a bomb drop on their heads.”, he continued, the worry showing openly in his eyes.
“Yeah, I see what you mean.”, Hux answered.
After a second, Hux suddenly straightened up and turned towards Kylo with his whole upper body. The General raised his left arm and placed his hand on the other man’s shoulder without squeezing.
“Please Kylo, I want to find a solution and I really want to understand your conflict, but I… I’m sorry but I feel like I just don’t get it, like I missed something major. It’s just… why do you care so much about that baby’s future?”, Hux asked calmly, trying not to step onto one of the many mines Kylo had surrounded himself with over the years. What he really didn’t need right now was an argument. He just wanted to understand.
“I don’t know how to explain this, I’m not even completely understanding it myself. I was supposed to kill her, and I didn’t. I let our men kill her family, everyone she ever saw, and then I took her with me. I… I feel responsible for her. I can’t just… give her away, Hux.”, Kylo said, without looking at the other man. Instead he was watching his right hand’s fingers while they played with the seam of his belt.
Hux scanned his boyfriend attentively. Maybe he had just imagined it, but Ren seemed even paler than he usually did, with dark bags underneath his eyes and light red spots on his throat, the ones he always got when he was angry or in distress. A few seconds passed before Hux started talking again.
“Even when giving her away would be the best option?”, he asked, cautiously. He suddenly felt terribly tired. Tired of talking, tired of thinking, tired of finding solutions. The problems never ended. And he was responsible, whether he was the one causing those issues or not. He loved Kylo, he wanted to support Kylo, but he didn’t know if he was able to do it.
The other man was now looking at Hux again, his dark eyes sad and filled with sorrow. “But it wouldn’t be. You know it, just as much as I do. There’s no safer place for her than at my side, at our side. And I won’t give her away again, not if there is even the slightest chance for me to keep her.”, he said. The initial expression of doubt and conflict had vanished from his face, and got replaced by determination and something Hux couldn’t help but describe as defiance.
That this man always had to be so stubborn.
“Okay, Kylo. Okay.”, Hux said, pausing for a second to let his fingers run through the Knights dark hair. Ren looked like he had to physically fight the urge to just lean into the touch and close his eyes. “Tell me how you imagine this to work. Give me a plan, a concept, anything. I want to make this work, but, and this is entirely new for me, I have no idea, how. Where will she live? What does she need? Who will look after her when we can’t? And, how shall we feed her? I have zero experience with kids and babies. I don’t know what do to, and I hate feeling like this.”, Hux said, not able to keep the slight desperation he was feeling out of his voice. He didn’t feel ready to be responsible for a child, yet. He had never even planned on having children in the first place. But he knew that Kylo was right, and the kid seemed to matter a lot to him. How could he deny him to take care of her, then?
Kylo gave him a smile before he answered. He had obviously tried to hold it back, but gave up midway. He often forgot that he was allowed to show how he felt when he was with his partner; he still needed to get used to that form of freedom. “This might surprise you now, but I already thought about all of that! I had lots of time alone at the medical station, since a certain someone took forever to get there.”
Hux rolled his eyes at his boyfriend. “Well, you didn’t exactly tell me to meet you there. Anyways, go on.”
“Obviously, she would sleep in your chambers, where she always is close to us. All we really need is a bed for her, a table for diaper changes in your bathroom, and the other, smaller stuff. Toys, hygienic things, nothing dramatic. I talked to Dr. Abena about the issue with the food, and she said that we’d have the possibility to either feed her with artificially made milk, or, of course, with the original one.”
“You mean we should get a slave to feed her?”, Hux interrupted. It wasn’t unusual for the wealthier families to get a woman from slavery to nurse their babies, if for whatever reason the biological mother couldn’t do it. Kylo nodded. “Yeah, there a plenty of them available in the outer rim. Also, this would be the solution for when we don’t have the time or the possibility to take care of her, too.”
Now it was Hux turn to nod. He was surprised that Ren had actually put thought into the situation. Usually, he just decided to do something without thinking of the consequences and accompanying challenges first. Maybe there was some real leadership quality hidden inside of him, after all.
“The slave could also show us how to treat her properly. Also, Dr. Abena has already said that she would be ready to help us at any time.”
“You really did get along fine with her, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, I did, why? Jealous?”, Kylo asked with a wink and a wicked grin.
“Pff, yeah, me and jealous.”, Hux said, pulling his hand away from where it rested on the Knight’s upper arm.
Ren was faster than him, however, and already had it caught with his own hand after they weren’t even separated for more than a second. He gently squeezed it, before intertwining their gloved digits. “Wouldn’t be the first time, though.”, he stated, knowing that Hux wouldn’t mind the teasing.
On the contrary, actually. The other man smirked, before quickly reaching out with both his hand, taking hold of Kylo’s waist. Softly, he pulled the other man into his lap, who followed with little to no resistance.
Now on top of his partner, Kylo leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on Hux’s lips. The other man immediately reciprocated the action, his arms tightening around the Knight’s middle in an attempt to pull him closer, even though there was already no space worth mentioning between them anymore. Kylo cupped the General’s face with both hands before slowly separating them again.
“So, are we really doing this?”, he asked after a moment, searching for any sign of unwillingness in his partner’s eyes. He couldn’t find it. “Yes, love. We are doing this. I’ll message Mitaka to set up a meeting with Dr. Abena first thing tomorrow, and then we can properly plan this.”, he said, but Kylo knew him well enough to know that there was something else he wanted to say. His nervous chewing on his bottom lip after he ended talking gave him away.
“But?”, Kylo asked, almost afraid of the answer. “No real ‘but’. It’s just… I know that you are taking this really serious, and, I mean, so do I, don’t get me wrong. And I have faith in you, I know that you are capable of doing a great job at this, you believe me, right?”, he asked and Kylo nodded with an uncertain smile. Where was the other man going with this? “I just feel like… I don’t think I’m ready for this, yet. I’m agreeing to this for you and for the child, but I can’t promise anything from my side. I don’t know how capable of taking responsibility for her life and of bonding with her I am. Not yet. Is that… okay?”
Hux looked miserable as he said that, as if he was afraid that Kylo had expected him to say something else, which he didn’t; Kylo knew his partner. He knew how difficult it had been for him to open up to Kylo himself, how much overcoming it cost him to tear down even the tiniest part of the huge walls he had built up around himself over the years. Many months of being together had passed until Hux finally felt comfortable enough to talk to Ren about his feeling, his sorrows, his fears.
No, Kylo didn’t expected his boyfriend to immediately feel the same affection towards the baby like he did. He didn’t need him to. All he needed was to know that Hux stood behind him in this situation, that he would support him, and Kylo knew that he would. They could work on the rest, they had plenty of time.
With a smile on his face, he kissed the General again. “This is perfectly okay.”, he said before letting their lips meet again. “Thank you.”