Chapter Text
ARCHIVIST
Statement of Candace Flynn-Fletcher, regarding the alleged disappearance of her brothers’ multiple, larger-than-life contraptions. Statement given directly from subject on March 30th, 2016. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.
Statement beg-
CANDACE
Wait, London? You’re British!?
ARCHIVIST
…yes, that’s typically the nationality of Londoners. Now, if we may Miss Flynn-Fletcher-
CANDACE
Ferb’s British, too, and Dad! I was wondering why your accent sounded so familiar. Although I don’t think I’ve heard Ferb talk enough to actually compare his accent to yours, ooooh, but I bet-
ARCHIVIST
-That’s wonderful to hear. But, as you can imagine, I’m on a bit of a tight schedule right now, so I’d appreciate it if you would let me take your statement on the matter. But be warned, I am what most people consider a sceptic.
CANDACE
[SIGHS]
Well, I doubt that your, um, sceptisism would be as bad as anyone else I’ve tried to talk to.
So I have to speak into that…thing?
ARCHIVIST
Don’t worry, it does its job perfectly fine. I have no doubt that you’d prefer something more of a higher-
CANDACE
Yeah, no, screw that.
[SHE TAKES THE RECORDER INTO HER HAND.]
I don’t care what it takes; I NEED to bust my brothers!
ARCHIVIST
Alright then, we resume.
Statement begins.
CANDACE
Okay, well, I guess I should start from the very beginning. My name’s Candace; I’m 16 years old, and I like singing and writing, and I know Morse code. I was a kid that was very…lonely. Nobody really liked playing with me, my parents were always pretty busy, and my only solace was Ducky Momo! Y’know, the yellow cartoon duck that-
ARCHIVIST
Yes, I’m unfortunately well-informed on this ‘Ducky Momo’. One of my co-workers took an interest in the thing. (MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH) I should fire Tim someday.
CANDACE
Oh, that’s aweso!— I mean, it's fine, I guess. I mean, I totally don’t care about it anymore, y’know, cause I’m sixteen! Heh, heheh… [Candace sweats nervously.] Anyways, we’re getting off topic. I was lonely, but I guess I wasn't once my first baby brother was born.
ARCHIVIST
Full names, please.
CANDACE
Phineas Flynn-Fletcher. I mean, we both were just Flynn then, because after a couple of years, my mum, Linda Flynn, got married to my stepdad, Lawrence Fletcher. And he had a son too; that’s Ferb Flynn-Fletcher. So, instead of one, I had two baby brothers! It was great, really really great, but only in the beginning. Little did I know that soon they’d become the biggest thorn in my side for YEARS on end.
As years passed by, and as they got older, it started becoming clear as day that these two weren’t normal. They were, like, super geniuses!
ARCHIVIST
Hm, do elaborate.
CANDACE
Um, yeah, I was getting to that! Like, geez. Anyways, I couldn’t go a DAY without hearing their achievements! ‘They started speaking full sentences by age 1; they knew quantum physics when they were five. 'They know more than 20 languages, so what?!’ I’m plenty amazing too, ya know! So what if they’re smarter, stronger, happier, and just…better than me?
ARCHIVIST
Hm.
CANDACE
‘Hm?!’ I didn’t ask you to agree with me! Anyways, it all started one day, during Phineas and Ferb’s first summer ever. I don’t know what got into them, but they started blabbering something about ‘Carpe diem’.
ARCHIVIST
Carpe, a second-person singular present active imperative of carpō, "pick or pluck", used by Horace, a well-known Roman poet, to mean "enjoy, seize, use, make use of". Diem is the accusative of dies, meaning "day". A more literal translation of ‘carpe diem’ would thus be ‘pluck the day [as it is ripe]’—that is, enjoy the moment. Seizing the day.
CANDACE
And ever since then, they and their monkey friends –
ARCHIVIST
Ahem, NAMES please. (HE PINCHES HIS FOREHEAD IN BETWEEN HIS MIDDLE FINGER AND THUMB.)
CANDACE
(SIGHS) Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, Baljeet Tjinder, and Buford Van Stomm. They live close enough to be neighbours. No, not even that. They’re here almost every day, like mosquitoes. (SHE SHUDDERS).
Ever since then, they’d started doing these weird things. His brain isn’t normal, I’m telling you! His first summer, he and Ferb tried to teach monkeys how to juggle unicycles! AND HE’D ACTUALLY SUCCEEDED! And, well, you asked me to tell you about the other things they did, so the ones I could remember off the top of my head were when they built an entire coaster across the tri-state area; remodelled Mount Rushmore for my fifteenth birthday to look like my face; built robot versions of themselves; travelled back in time to the literal prehistoric era; travelled and met an alternate dimensional versions of ourselves; and got me kidnapped by aliens who wanted to deprive earth of carbon dioxide to feed their monster plant-
ARCHIVIST
…..that’s-
CANDACE
-and that isn’t, like, even the half of it. But if I were to list every single weird thing Phineas and Ferb had ever done, it’d take 5 seasons and 2 movies. And I think you’d actually die if I took too long, so I’ll just get straight to the point.
ARCHIVIST
Much appreciated. And I’m not that old, not that it’s any of your business.
CANDACE
So, like, you’re probably thinking, 'Oh, Candace, where’s the evidence? It can’t be true without the evidence!’ But that’s the problem! Every single time the boys try to build something, they always end up getting away with it! They do so many dangerous things, but they get away with it every single damn time! And it’s all because of the mysterious force!
ARCHIVIST
Mysterious force, as in, the supernatural force you’ve claimed that makes things disappear, such as your brothers’ inventions?
CANDACE
I don’t get it! They just disappear out of thin air! No matter how many times I get evidence, it either gets destroyed or just vanishes completely. They’re the reason for all of the weird stuff that’s going on in town, but because of the mysterious force, my mom can’t see what’s directly in front of her!
ARCHIVIST
I see. Now, would you say that, perhaps, what your brothers are doing is something that could be considered illegal, or even dangerous?
CANDACE
….
Well, um, it’s not really about the inventions I wanted to talk about.
ARCHIVIST
I see. For context, in normal circumstances, we’d either ask you to give the statement in person or write and send it in to our office in London. However, we’d come to investigate this town because of the sheer number of statements we’ve got from here of strange supernatural activity. Not dangerous, but the incidents mentioned in the statements have bordered on it.
CANDACE
Wait, you’re… you’re not going to, like, arrest them or something, right?? They’re not bad people; it’s just that what they're doing is –
ARCHIVIST
Dangerous?
CANDACE
….
ARCHIVIST
(SIGHS) Statement ends. (THE RECORDER CLICKS OFF.)