Chapter Text
When he wakes up, Kevin looks at the time and realizes he’s slept for five hours. It’s still not as much sleep as he should be getting, but it’s a lot better than the previous nights. He can’t help the relieved smile on his lips. Five hours of sleep and no nightmares. Maybe taking sleeping pills wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
He still feels drowsy in a way he usually doesn’t and he guesses it’s the medication doing it. He’s just happy he managed to sleep as much as he did so he doesn’t mind the drowsiness.
Kevin picks up his phone and opens the group chat he has with Axel and Jakob. He types in “Good morning boys, guess who slept 5 hours?” and the response is immediate.
“That’s awesome, I’m so proud of you Kev <3” Axel sends and then only a few seconds later he can see Jakob typing.
“I’m so happy for you. I’ll see you later today <3”
Kevin smiles at his phone when reading the messages. He feels hopeful and it’s been a while since he last felt like that. Part of him is scared that it will all come crashing down again somehow but he tries to shake that feeling away.
At first he feels fine, the only thing that feels off is the drowsiness. It’s first at lunch time that he starts to get scared. He doesn’t know if it’s because of the sleeping pills or not because the hallucinations have been there before.
He is casually eating his lunch when he suddenly sees Axel hiding behind a flowerpot. It’s gone in not even a second but Kevin is sure it was Axel he saw. Or well, a fake Axel because there is no way the real Axel would teleport to his apartment and hide behind flowerpots. The thought is so absurd Kevin would laugh if he wasn’t so scared. At least he knows it was just a hallucination but it’s still scary and the hope that he had earlier is slowly starting to disappear. Almost as if the Axel hallucination showed up and stole it.
Are the hallucinations going to get worse now or was this just a one-off? Kevin doesn’t know but this is not a good sign.
After lunch he gets ready to go out with Greta to meet Jakob and Alfons. Greta is running around his feet with excitement once he brings out her leash. Kevin pets her while putting on her leash and tells her how good she is. Greta wags her tail at him and looks up at him with her brown eyes.
Kevin smiles at her before standing up and that’s when the room somehow changes. It seems so much bigger now and he panics. What is happening? He sits down again and lifts Greta up in his arms. She seems confused but does her best to comfort him.
Kevin holds on to her until the room changes back again and it feels like he can finally breathe again. He still waits a few seconds before carefully standing up. No dizziness at least, that’s good.
“Come on girl,” he says as he opens the door and Greta follows him happily.
It is quite a long walk before they get to the dog park where they’re going to meet Jakob and Alfons, but Kevin can’t get the hallucinations out of his head the entire walk. It’s like they’re slowly creeping in under his skin. Is this what every day will be like now? What if it gets worse?
He is pulled out of his thoughts when Greta perks up suddenly before barking. Kevin looks up and that’s when he sees Jakob and Alfons far away. Alfons seems to be pulling on the leash quite a lot and by the looks of it, Jakob is struggling but with a huge smile on his face.
“Hi Kev,” he says, slightly out of breath as Alfons happily greets Greta and starts to run around her in circles, causing the dogs’ leashes to entangle.
“Alfons calm down.” Jakob laughs as he fixes the mess and pulls Alfons away enough so it will not happen again.
Once Alfons has settled, Jakob looks up at Kevin and whatever he sees on his face makes the smile disappear from Jakob’s face instantly.
“Kev, what’s wrong?” His voice is dripping with concern and Kevin can barely look his friend in the eyes because if he does he might break down.
“I…” Kevin can hear his voice trembling and he clears his throat. “I’ll tell you once we’re at the park.”
Jakob doesn’t say anything, he just nods, but the concern is still lingering in his eyes. They’re not far from the park anyway and it isn’t long before they’ve both gone inside the fenced area and released the dogs.
Greta is calm at first and just walks away from them, but Alfons takes of running the moment the leash is off. It isn’t long before Greta joins him though and the two dogs play together. Jakob watches them with a smile before turning to Kevin, concern in his eyes.
“Wanna tell me what’s going on?”
“I’ve hallucinated twice today. I think it might be getting worse.” Kevin’s voice cracks at the end and he can feel himself trembling. “I’m scared,” he whispers and then he is engulfed in a hug before he can even blink.
Jakob doesn’t say anything at first; he just holds Kevin tightly before pulling away to meet his eyes.
“How bad are the hallucinations? Is it okay if I ask that?” Jakob is so gentle with him and Kevin nods.
“They’re bad enough to freak me out. I know they’re not real but…” He hesitates about before saying it because he’s afraid Jakob might think he’s losing his mind. He probably is. “I saw Axel hiding behind a flowerpot.”
Kevin sees how Jakob gasps and claps a hand over his mouth to hide what seems to be a laugh. “I’m sorry, what?!”
Kevin sighs. “You heard correctly, don’t make me repeat it. I feel stupid enough as it is.”
He hears the irritation in his own voice and feels guilty but Jakob doesn’t seem to bothered by it.
“I’m sorry,” Jakob says. “It’s just, it sounds so absurd but that’s got to be scary.”
Kevin just nods and doesn’t say anything. There isn’t much to say anyway.
“How do you feel about taking the pills again tonight?” Jakob asks carefully, head tilted to the side as he studies Kevin with concern.
“I don’t know,” Kevin admits. “I have to, I guess. And it was nice to be able to sleep for so long without a nightmare. I had almost forgotten what that feels like.”
After all the fear around sleeping, the restless nights and the nightmares plaguing him it had felt like finally being able to breathe again. It was only one night, but still. It gave him hope. He can’t give up now, he knows that. Perhaps getting more sleep will help against the hallucinations as well. It should.
Jakob looks at him for a while with soft eyes before curling a hand around Kevin’s arm.
“I’m so happy for you that you got to sleep for that long. You deserve it. If there’s ever anything I can help you with, just let me know, okay? You’re doing so well.”
“Thank you,” Kevin whispers gratefully. “How have you been yourself? You seem to be doing better than yesterday.”
“I am. Yesterday was rough but I got through it. I’m doing a lot better today but I’m anxious about the gig tomorrow.” Jakob seems to ponder something for a while and then he shakes his head. “Scratch that. I’m not anxious, I’m terrified.”
“Yeah, me too.”
Kevin wraps an arm around his friend and they stand like that for a few seconds, watching the dogs. Alfons soon comes running up to them, wagging his tail excitedly as he tries to get Kevin and Jakob to play with him.
Greta is just rolling in the grass and not playing with him anymore, so Alfons is trying to find other playmates. Jakob picks up a ball out of his backpack and throws it as far as he can. Alfons immediately turns and runs after the ball, running as fast as his little legs can carry him.
Greta looks up and stops rolling, almost as if she contemplates chasing the ball herself, but she doesn’t go after it as she seems to realize it is not for her. Instead she lies down in the grass and yawns.
Kevin looks at Jakob who has a wide smile on his face as he watches Alfons chasing the ball. Then suddenly something shifts and all Kevin can see is blood on Jakob’s temple. There’s quite a lot of it; staining his hair and dripping down his cheek.
It’s not real, it’s not. Kevin knows that but he can barely breathe because the blood, oh god, the blood. All it does is remind him of Jakob lying motionless on the stage and he remembers the fear he had felt right before his shaky fingers managed to find a pulse.
“Jakob,” Kevin chokes out and Jakob’s smile disappears from his face immediately.
“Kev, hey, what’s going on?” Jakob’s hand hovers in the air, as if he doesn’t know whether to touch Kevin or not. Concern is written all over his face as he studies his friend.
Kevin can’t speak, he mumbles something that is barely words as he reaches out and grabs onto Jakob’s arm. His legs are shaking and everything is spinning. The blood is gone now but the images in his head aren’t. Kevin’s legs give out and strong arms wrap around him to prevent a fall.
“Let’s sit you down Kevin, come on.”
Jakob gently helps Kevin sit in the grass and sits down next to him. Kevin looks at his friend and sees how he tries to stay calm, but his wide eyes betray his fear.
“Just breathe with me Kevin, just breathe.”
Kevin tries to, but the pressure against his chest makes it feel impossible. He looks at Jakob, looks at his right temple where the blood had been just a moment ago. With a shaky hand, Kevin reaches out and carefully touches his friend’s temple. There’s a scar from when he collapsed, part of the scar visible and part of it hidden under Jakob’s hair.
Kevin traces the scar with his fingers, reassuring himself that there’s no blood, just a scar. Jakob stays still without pulling his head away, just watches Kevin who’s slowly getting his breathing under control.
Once Kevin has stopped tracing the scar, Jakob reaches up and grabs Kevin’s hand in his, bringing it down to his neck so Kevin can feel his pulse. Kevin presses his fingers against the pulse and he can feel himself slowly relaxing at the sensation. He takes a deep breath and holds it before exhaling.
His body is trembling but he keeps his fingers against Jakob’s pulse for a little while longer. He only removes them once Greta comes up to him, wanting to comfort him.
He lifts her up in his arms and holds her close to him. Alfons is there as well and Kevin realizes he didn’t see when the dog got back. He is currently running back and forth between Jakob and Kevin, confused as to what’s going on but refusing to give up the ball that’s in his mouth.
Jakob pets Alfons with one hand, trying to reassure him, and with his other hand he soothingly rubs Kevin’s back.
“What happened Kevin?”
Jakob’s voice is soft as he studies his friend and Kevin buries his face in Greta’s fur as he whispers his reply in a broken voice:
“I think I might be losing my mind.”
The words make Jakob move and suddenly Kevin is wrapped in his friend’s arms. He leans his head against Jakob’s shoulder as Jakob cradles him in his arms. Kevin is still holding Greta on his lap and Alfons seems to have finally let go of the ball as he paws at his owner, trying to comfort him.
Kevin can feel Jakob trembling against him; he’s scared even if he’s trying his hardest to stay calm for Kevin.
“Did you hallucinate?” Jakob whispers against Kevin’s hair and Kevin nods.
“I saw blood. On your temple. Just like…” He chokes and feels like he might be sick as the memories flood his brain once more.
Kevin squeezes his eyes shut and swallows as he tries his best to not be sick. The sudden wave of nausea passes as quickly as it came and he relaxes a little.
Jakob lets go of Kevin but keeps one hand on his back as he studies his friend.
“Is this a lot worse than the hallucinations have been before?”
“Maybe. Or no, I don’t know. I mean, some days have been bad even before this, just because of the sleep deprivation.” Kevin looks at Jakob who looks back at him with so much understanding in his eyes.
That is what makes Kevin admit what he’s been keeping from both his friends for weeks.
“I haven’t told you how bad it really has been, I’m sorry. I know how scared you’ve both been and I…”
“Hey, Kevin, it’s alright.” Jakob interrupts him gently. “You don’t have to tell us. As long as you tell a doctor or a psychologist it’s alright.”
“Thank you,” Kevin whispers, some of the guilt he felt is slowly fading.
“But if the only reason you’re not telling us is because you don’t want to scare us then, I just want you to know something. You can tell me anything. Don’t worry about worrying me, I just want to help.” Jakob says as he soothingly rubs Kevin’s back.
Kevin nods and lets go of Greta with one arm to wrap an arm around Jakob. He’s so grateful his friend is there for him. He hopes he’s able to be more honest with both his friends in the future, but he still feels the overwhelming need to protect them. Just as they feel the need to protect him and each other. It’s all a mess but at least they’re in it together.
They end up sitting like that until Kevin feels better and they decide that Jakob will stay with Kevin until his wife comes back from work. Jakob brings Alfons with him to Kevin’s apartment, so he doesn’t have to go back home to drop Alfons off.
They end up on the couch just talking and drinking coffee. Kevin doesn’t get any more hallucinations and he feels a little bit calmer. Jakob’s presence does wonders to chase away the lingering anxiety and Kevin manages to smile and laugh.
When it’s time for Jakob to leave, he gives Kevin a big hug and holds him tightly.
“Call me if you need me,” he says softly.
“I will. Thank you for being here.” Kevin pulls away from the hug and looks his friend in the eyes as he speaks and he sees the gentle smile on Jakob’s lips.
“Always,” is the simple reply that comes from Jakob.
They both say their goodbyes and Jakob takes a very reluctant Alfons with him, who doesn’t seem to want to leave Greta.
When it’s time for Kevin to take his sleeping pill later, he takes it with a slight fear but is looking forward to getting more sleep again tonight. He just hopes the hallucinations won’t be too bad. With time and more sleep they might hopefully disappear. If they’re this bad again tomorrow, he will contact a doctor. He promised Jakob that.
He goes to bed and once more he falls asleep fast with barely any anxiety.
Suddenly he’s in a church. Everyone is wearing black but he can’t make out any familiar faces in the crowd. He can feel the grief emanating from all the strangers in the room and that’s when his eyes fall upon two empty caskets. Two caskets… His stomach drops. He knows without having to look who are in them. Still, there’s something within him that makes him step forward and look.
It doesn’t matter that a part of him knows already; nothing could have prepared him for what he sees when he approaches them. In the caskets are Jakob and Axel, their eyes open and devoid of life. They’re both dressed in their suits that they usually perform in and Jakob has blood on his right temple.
Kevin clasps a hand over his mouth as he feels the bile rising. He closes his eyes and all he can see are his friends’ empty eyes. His legs give up under him and he falls to the ground. He doesn’t get back up, he has no reason to. Not when his best friends are… Kevin can’t allow himself to finish the thought.
He stays curled up on the floor and no one helps him up or asks if he’s okay. No one cares; he is truly alone. He doesn’t cry; it’s like he can’t. He can’t express his pain in any way and let it out; it’s like he’s stuck with it and he feels the raw pain in his chest.
That’s when he wakes up; his chest heaving and the relief courses through his vein when he realizes it was just a nightmare.
Slightly dizzy, he stumbles into the living room and sits on the couch; calling his friends. He’s made sure to make it into a video call; he needs to both see and hear them.
Axel picks up first; the expression on his face is one of concern before Kevin has said anything.
“Nightmare?” Axel asks and Kevin just nods without saying anything. He feels like he’s going to be sick and he just wants to cry but it seems impossible. No tears are coming.
Then Jakob picks up the phone and his hair is all over the place. It’s obvious he’s just woken up but he still looks very alert as he takes in Kevin’s expression.
“Did you have a nightmare?” Jakob asks and Kevin nods once again.
Kevin doesn’t know what to say; he can’t find any words to describe what he feels. He doesn’t even know what he feels, all he knows is that the image of Jakob and Axel’s empty eyes is still haunting him and no matter what he does it won’t go away. He picks up one of the couch pillows and hugs it against his body in a way to ground himself.
A few seconds go by without anyone saying anything; his friends are just patiently waiting to see if Kevin wants to say anything, but he doesn’t know how to begin.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Axel’s soft voice breaks the silence and Kevin nods.
“You were dead,” he begins. It’s hard to know how to say this and he struggles for a moment to find the words before continuing. “I was at your funeral. Both of you had open caskets and your eyes, they…”
Kevin has to stop there as nausea threatens to overtake him. He clutches onto the pillow tighter when the images in his mind gets even clearer and he forgets where he is. His mind gets fuzzy and it is hard to focus. All he sees are his friends’ empty eyes and he remembers the excruciating loneliness he felt in the nightmare.
“Kevin, breathe. You don’t need to tell us more, it’s fine.” Axel’s voice cuts through the horrible memories and then Jakob joins in.
“We’re here Kev, we’re here. It wasn’t real. We’re okay.”
His friends’ voices help bring Kevin back to reality but he still struggles to breath as he hugs the pillow. His friends keep talking in soothing voices until Kevin’s breathing has calmed down.
“You with us?” Jakob gently asks and Kevin nods.
“Yeah, sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry Kev,” Axel says. “How much sleep did you get before the nightmare?”
Kevin doesn’t even know what time it is so when he looks at his phone and registers the time, he is pleasantly surprised. “Four hours,” he says.
It’s not much but it’s still a lot considering how little he’s been sleeping before and considering it’s only three a.m. there’s still the potential of more sleep. If he can go back to sleep after this that is. At least he’s drowsy; he can still feel the sleeping pills working.
Kevin sees how Jakob’s face lights up into a smile and then Axel speaks.
“That’s good Kev, you’re doing so well. I’m so proud of you.”
“I don’t know if I can go back to sleep,” Kevin admits. He feels guilty about his fear; he had promised himself to sleep for them and the fact that he’s hesitating now makes him hate himself.
“Look, Kevin, four and a half hours last night and now four hours tonight? It’s so much better than before even though it’s far from what you need. It will take time but as Axel said, you’re doing so well. Of course you should try to go back to sleep, but if you don’t manage that’s okay. We see the way you’re trying and we love you for it.” Jakob’s voice is so gentle and his eyes are shining with love for Kevin.
He’s not lying to make Kevin feel better; Kevin can see the pure pride and adoration in Jakob’s eyes and it’s such a vast contrast to the way his eyes looked in the nightmare.
“Thank you,” Kevin whispers and he sees how both his friends smile softly at him.
Suddenly a bark can be heard from Jakob’s end and Greta, who’s been sleeping beside the couch, perks up at the familiar sound. It isn’t long before Alfons can be seen on Jakob’s lap, inching closer and closer to the phone in his owner’s hand. Kevin can’t help but to smile at the sight and he hears how Axel laughs.
Soon all they can see is Alfons’ nose and then Jakob can be heard, desperately saying “no, no, no, Alfo…” Suddenly Jakob is not in the call anymore and Axel is just staring at the screen in shock.
“Did Alfons really just hang up on us?” Kevin can hear the smile in Axel’s voice and that’s when he starts to laugh hysterically.
It feels nice to finally be able to laugh but he can’t control it at all. He feels hysterical as he laughs and can see how Axel looks at him in concern.
Kevin is still laughing when Jakob joins the call again a few seconds later with an apologetic smile on his face.
“Sorry boys, Alfons decided to lick the screen and apparently managed to end the call.” He scrunches his nose up as he speaks before he seems to notice Kevin’s hysteric laughing.
“Kev?” Jakob asks and it’s then that something in Kevin snaps; the laughter turning to tears in an instant.
“I’m sorry,” Kevin somehow manages to get out in between his sobs and he claps a hand over his mouth as he cries so hard his whole body is trembling from the force of it.
“Just let it out Kevin, it’s okay. Just let it out. We’re here,” Axel says soothingly and Kevin lets himself cry.
He doesn’t know how long he’s crying for, but his friends stay with him, even though it’s the middle of the night and they should all be sleeping. They’re still there; talking softly to him as he lets it all out.
When he’s finally stopped crying his chest is hurting and his throat feels raw. His head is pounding and he feels way too tired to be awake now. It’s like he has to struggle to keep his eyes open. He leans forward and rubs his eyes with a groan and that’s when he hears Axel’s concerned voice.
“Kevin?”
“I’m okay, the sleeping pills are just working a bit too well. I don’t think I could stay awake even if I wanted to.”
He’s scared just thinking about it. He does not want to risk getting another nightmare tonight but there is a battle between him and the medication right now. A battle he is currently losing.
“Maybe you should go back to bed then,” Jakob says softly. “Because you look like you might fall asleep right here.”
“I feel like it,” Kevin whispers. It’s getting harder and harder to keep his eyes open. “Goodnight boys, and thank you. Sorry for waking you.”
“Don’t worry about it. You know you can always call us.”
Axel smiles at him and then they all say goodnight. Kevin somehow manages to make it back to bed but falls asleep almost the second his head hits the pillow.