Chapter Text
Harry didn’t know how he got through the next two days at work. Everyone asked him questions about Severus: How was he doing? What was it like being around his younger self? Was he as difficult as a child as he was as an adult?
Harry’s answers were the same every time.
“He’s fine.”
“We had a fun week.”
“He’s not difficult.”
He was relieved when Robards put him on patrol duty, which got him out of the office and into the fresh air of Diagon Alley. He tried not to think about when he came here with little Severus, but it was hard. Every shop held new memories for him now, and he was terrified those would be the last he had with Severus.
But no, he was being stupid. Severus would be back to work soon, and everything would go back to normal. It had to - Harry didn’t know what he would do if it didn’t.
There were so many times he was tempted to go check on Severus, to make sure he was actually okay, but he knew he wouldn’t be welcome. Severus needed his space, and Harry was going to respect that. Severus knew where Harry was if he needed him for anything.
Not that Harry expected that.
Being at home was almost worse, as he was no longer used to being alone in his own home. Funny how one week of having Severus around was enough to undo three years of routine. He considered going to see Ron and Hermione, but he didn’t think he’d be very good company. He tried to watch TV, but he couldn’t focus, so it just became background noise as he replayed the last week in his head, wondering what he should have done differently.
He shouldn’t have taken Severus to see his friends. He wouldn’t have wanted a ton of other Gryffindors to see him in a vulnerable state.
He shouldn’t have spent so much time talking about how Severus deserved better than his current boyfriend. It was none of his business who Severus spent his time with.
He shouldn’t have told Severus so much about his own childhood. He had been trying to make Severus not feel so alone, but what if it sounded like he was trying to one-up Severus with traumatic childhoods? What if he thought worse of Harry now that he knew the truth?
He shouldn’t have made it clear how much he wanted to be Severus’s friend. He probably just made everything awkward now. Maybe Severus would have been happy to go back to normal but now that he knew how much Harry wanted to be his friend, he just wanted to find a way to leave without Harry making this difficult.
Really, he shouldn’t have offered to let Severus stay with him. His desire to make sure Severus had a good week had probably cost him Severus’s friendship.
But then he pictured the way little Severus had smiled at him, and he knew he wouldn’t have taken it back even if he could. Severus had lived such a miserable life. If Harry could make sure he was happy for a week, it was worth any cost to Harry himself.
Of course, that was an easy thing to tell himself when he was wandering around Diagon Alley by himself. It was quite another thing the following day when he looked up from his desk at work to see Severus walk into the room.
Everyone crowded around Severus, asking him questions, but Harry stayed in his seat, terrified to get closer. Would Severus greet him? Would he go straight to Robards and ask to be reassigned? His heart was beating faster than it ever had in his life, and he felt like he was going to be sick.
He listened while Severus answered their colleagues’ questions. He was polite but didn’t provide too many details, just said it was good to be back and that Harry had taken good care of him, though it was hard for Harry to tell what Severus actually thought about that last part.
To his dismay, instead of heading over to Harry after, Severus headed over to Robards’ office. He tried to tell himself the man was just telling his boss he was back, but it was hard not to feel like his worst fears were coming true.
*~*
Severus had wanted to go straight to Harry when he arrived back at work, but he knew he should let Robards know he was back. The conversation was thankfully shorter than he thought it would be, which meant he was finally able to see Harry.
He had expected Harry to greet him with a smile, but instead Harry looked as though he was one minor inconvenience away from a complete breakdown. He looked up as Severus approached, a fearful look in his eye.
“Severus,” he said, and Severus was astonished to hear his voice shaking. “Glad you’re feeling good enough to be back at work.”
Severus frowned. “Yes, I wanted to come back sooner, but I decided to take the time to organize my thoughts.”
Harry nodded and looked down at the desk. “That makes sense.”
Silence. Severus couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this awkward around Harry, and he didn’t understand what had caused it. The last time he had seen Harry, they were fine. Was Harry just nervous because he wasn’t sure what Severus was thinking, or was he nervous because the time apart had made him realize he was better off without Severus?
“Robards said you’ve been on patrol duty the past few days.”
Harry nodded, still looking at his desk instead of Severus. “Yeah. I don’t think he trusted me to be able to focus on anything else just yet.”
“That makes two of us. He said he wants us on patrol duty the rest of the week. I am ready now if you are.”
Harry’s head shot up, his shocked eyes finally meeting Severus’s. “Us? Like…both of us?”
Severus frowned again. “I’ve never known him to assign us different tasks.”
Harry seemed to sag in relief. Then he stood up, pulling his cloak around him. “Yeah, sure, I’m ready.”
They walked back to the front of the Ministry. They still weren’t talking, but there was slightly less tension than before.
“Are you all right?” Severus asked once they were alone in the lift.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” said Harry quickly. Too quickly.
“Have I done something to upset you?”
“What? No! Never. Why would you think that?” Harry sounded so upset by that possibility that Severus knew he had to be telling the truth.
“You seem to be the only one in the office who is not happy to see me return to work.”
“Of course I’m happy to have you back,” said Harry quietly, going back to not looking at Severus. “I just wasn’t sure how you’d feel about seeing me.”
Before Severus could think of how to respond, the lift stopped and the doors opened on the main floor. Harry hurried off, leaving Severus no choice but to follow him. He felt horrible that he was relieved to find the source of Harry’s nervousness. Harry wasn’t regretting the time he spent with Severus; he was still worried Severus didn’t want to be around him.
He caught up with Harry and put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. Harry turned to look at him, and he hated the fear he saw in those beautiful green eyes. Before he could say anything, though, Harry spoke.
“I’m sorry if you’re upset with how I handled things when you were a kid,” Harry said, his eyes actually on Severus’s this time. “I just wanted to make things better for you. I wanted you to see that you deserved better than you were used to. I’m so sorry if I made you uncomfortable or did anything you wouldn’t have wanted me to do. If you want to ask Robards for a new partner—”
“You have absolutely nothing to apologize for,” interrupted Severus, hating for not saying this to Harry the moment he walked into the office. “You are responsible for the best week of my life. You gave up your own time to make sure a lonely little boy got to see that the world wasn’t all bad. What could you possibly think you did wrong?”
Harry bit his lip as he considered his answer. “I just thought…maybe…I don’t know. That you’d be upset with some of the things I did and said. You don’t like my friends. You probably didn’t want my input on your life. I overstepped.”
Severus had never wanted to hug anyone as much as he wanted to hug Harry, but this was hardly the place, and he still wasn’t completely sure that would be welcomed.
“You didn’t overstep at all,” he said softly. “You showed me far more kindness than I deserved. In fact, that is something you have been doing since the war. I didn’t realize until this week how horrible I have been at expressing my appreciation. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, both this past week and the past three years. I am honored that you consider me a friend. I never would have suggested we spend time together because I never thought that was something you would like to do.”
*~*
It took all Harry had not to fling himself at Severus. Severus considered him a friend! Severus was willing to hang out after work! It wasn’t love, but it was more than Harry ever thought he’d get.
“Thank you, Severus. That means so much to me.”
Okay, he had to stop looking Severus in the eye, or he was likely to do something that would ruin everything. “I guess we should probably go back to work, then.”
Severus nodded, so they finished making their way to the Apparition spot. Harry couldn’t keep the smile off his face. He hadn’t lost Severus!
As they walked past the giant statue in the atrium, Severus asked, “Did you really try to stop them from putting up a statue of you?”
“Yeah. I really do think you deserved one instead. Everyone knows I helped in the war. They don’t need a statue to remember that. But you - most people don’t realize how vital you were to our success.”
“My actions were far more selfish than yours,” said Severus. “I was trying to atone for joining him in the first place. You had been fighting him since you were eleven.”
Harry shrugged. “Everyone makes mistakes. It’s how you handle them that show who you really are.”
“You sound like Albus.”
Harry chuckled. “I probably got that from him.”
They reached the Apparition point. They agreed on a location in Diagon Alley and then Apparated there. Harry insisted on getting them teas, and then they started their patrol.
“I broke up with Karl.”
Harry stopped walking. Severus turned to look at him. Harry opened and closed his mouth several times, not knowing how to respond.
“I’m sorry if I made you feel bad about your relationship. It’s really none of my business-”
“You were right,” said Severus. “I was not happy. I was settling for the only option that was available to me. My time with you has reminded me of what it feels like to be happy. I never felt happy with him.”
Harry’s heart warmed at those words, though he did his best to calm it down some. Just because Severus had been happy with him as a child didn’t mean he would ever want him as an adult. The whole point was that he didn’t want Severus to settle for less than he deserved, and while Harry felt confident he was better than Karl, he would still never be good enough for Severus.
“I’m glad you’re not with him anymore, then,” said Harry as they started walking again. “You deserve someone who makes you happy.”
“Is that why I have not heard of you dating anyone?” asked Severus. “Have you been unable to find someone who makes you happy?”
Harry stumbled at the question but managed not to spill his tea, so at least that was something. “Um, yeah, I guess you can say that.”
“I apologize if the week spent with me took away from your dating life.”
Harry laughed before he could stop himself - as if he would ever have traded time with Severus for someone else. “You didn’t, don’t worry.”
*~*
Severus didn’t understand why the question was funny. He knew he should stop prying, but now that he had brought up the topic, he wanted answers. He didn’t think he would have an excuse to bring up the topic again.
“You do date, though, don’t you? I can’t remember you mentioning anyone.”
He almost regretted asking when he saw how uncomfortable the question made Harry. He was about to say it didn’t matter when Harry spoke.
“Not really, no. Not for a while. Didn’t seem to be much of a point.”
Severus was even more confused now. “Why would there be no point? I have a hard time imagining you of all people would have trouble finding dates.”
“First dates are incredibly easy,” said Harry, his eyes straight ahead. “It’s second dates that are harder to find. Can’t remember the last time there was a third.”
He supposed that made sense. Harry was perfect. It was probably hard to find a partner at his level. What Severus wouldn’t give to be good enough. “While I understand most people aren’t good enough for you, that hardly seems like a reason to give up. Weren’t you just trying to teach me the importance of being happy?”
Harry stopped walking and looked at him then, the hurt evident on his face. “You think the reason I can’t find a partner is because I’m too arrogant?”
“Of course not,” said Severus quickly.
“You just said I think I’m too good for people.”
“No, I said most people aren’t good enough for you. That’s not being arrogant. That’s knowing your worth. Haven’t you been on me all week about knowing what I deserve?”
Harry looked less hurt, which was good, though he still looked confused. He resumed walking, so Severus followed.
“I don’t even know if what I’m looking for is realistic,” said Harry quietly.
“And what are you looking for?” asked Severus, bracing himself to hear a list of qualities that would never describe him.
“Someone who likes me for me, not just because I’m famous.”
Severus waited, but Harry didn’t say anything else. “That’s it?”
“I can’t even find that. You want me to add more to the list? I mean, someone I enjoy spending time with. Someone I could love back. I think everyone wants that, though.”
It was Severus’s turn to stop walking. Harry stopped when he stopped but kept his head down, his whole body seemingly braced for mockery. Could Harry really think Severus would be mean to him right now?
“How could you possibly think that was hard to find?”
Harry met his eyes, and Severus was pained to see tears in them. “My entire dating history after Hogwarts has made that pretty clear. Plenty of guys like the idea of dating the Boy Who Lived, the man who defeated Voldemort and has a bunch of wild stories. No one likes the idea of dating Harry, the man who wants to spend his free time relaxing at home or with his friends. They all have this picture in their heads of who they want me to be, and the real me can never live up to their imagination.”
Harry tried to start walking again, but Severus put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. Harry turned, surprised, though Severus was relieved that he didn’t notice any discomfort.
“You are the most amazing person I have ever met,” he said quietly. “Yes, you did remarkable things as a child, things you should never have been asked to do, but what makes you special has nothing to do with the Dark Lord. You are kind and brave and dedicated and thoughtful. You deserve relaxation and happiness more than anyone I know. If these men can’t see how lucky they are that you are willing to consider them, then they don’t deserve you. They’re the ones who are lacking, not you.”
Tears fell down Harry’s face as he looked at Severus in a mixture of shock, sadness, and hope. “You think I’m amazing?” Harry whispered.
Hoping he wasn’t ruining everything, Severus gently wiped the tears from Harry’s cheeks. He heard Harry’s sharp intake of breath, but Harry didn’t move away. Instead, he stood perfectly still, hope and fear clear on his face.
“I don’t know how anyone could get to know you and not think that,” he whispered back, his hand still on Harry’s cheek.
And then, because Harry hadn’t pulled away, he took a step closer and tilted Harry’s face up to his.
When Harry still didn’t pull away, Severus kissed him.
Harry whimpered and then kissed him back, dropping his mostly empty tea cup to the ground so that he could wrap both arms around Severus’s neck.
They sprang apart when they heard clapping.
Severus looked around to see that a small crowd had formed around them. He cursed under his breath. He should have done this in a less public spot. He hadn’t thought anyone would stop to see what they were talking about, but he supposed he should have realized Harry would get attention everywhere.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I had not given much thought to where we were.”
Harry smiled at him. “Does that mean you would be okay with continuing this conversation somewhere else?”
*~*
A few minutes later, they were standing in Harry’s living room. Now that they were alone, Harry’s nervousness doubled.
Severus had kissed him! Severus said he was amazing! But did he really mean that, or did he just feel like he had to say that because Harry was sad? If he meant it, would he change his mind as soon as he got to know Harry better?
“If I made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry,” said Severus. “Just because you are lonely doesn’t mean you want your ugly old former professor kissing you—”
“You’re not ugly,” said Harry immediately, horrified at the way Severus was talking about himself. He walked over to Severus but didn’t touch him. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for years. But if you don’t actually want me, if you’re just trying to make me feel better—”
“You deserve to be loved for exactly who you are,” said Severus. “If I pretended to make you feel better, I would be keeping you from finding that.”
That sounded awfully close to a declaration of love, but Harry wasn’t going to push it, not when there were so many other things to be happy about right now. He took the last step forward and wrapped his arms around Severus again, delighted when Severus responded by wrapping his own arms around Harry’s waist and pulling him close.
“Have you really wanted to kiss me for years?” Severus asked.
Harry blushed and nodded.
“Why did you not say anything?”
“I never thought for a second you would want me to. I was so happy I got to spend time with you at work. I was sure if I said anything, you’d demand a new partner.”
“You’re the only partner I want,” said Severus.
And then they were kissing again, and this time, they didn’t have to stop.
*~*
Severus was amazed at how quickly his life changed after that.
He started spending practically every night at Harry’s. They would eat dinner together, generally while watching something on TV. Severus still smiled whenever he walked past the guest room and saw the Slytherin bedspread or his tiny broom mounted on the wall. He had an adult-sized one now, which was kept downstairs next to Harry’s. They would go flying frequently, enjoying the night air. Once a month, they would get together with Harry’s friends for a game of Quidditch, the teams and rules changing depending on who was available.
They made their way through various museums and even used some of their accrued vacation time to travel the world, as neither had been able to do that as children. Harry enjoyed more of the tourist destinations while Severus preferred finding more secluded spots, but they still enjoyed every trip they took together.
When nightmares struck, they took turns comforting the other, offering back rubs and reassurances that everything was fine. They were safe. They were loved. They would never have to worry about being alone again.
They had finally found the happiness they both deserved.