Chapter Text
“Tsukasa. Did you already style your hair?”
It was always the same question whenever his mother was around. While he was blinking the remnants of slumber from his eyes, his mother’s gaze always followed his hair. He just sighed as he ran a hand through his hair and tried to sound cheerful.
“Ah. Yeah, no, I have.” He murmured as he grabbed a yogurt cup from his fridge. It was barely what someone would call breakfast, but his stomach couldn’t handle much else in the mornings, even with the medicine. Even though he got hungry again in no time, it was better than dealing with the stomach cramps.
His mother clicked her tongue, and bluntly remarked, “I don’t like it. It looks like a rat’s nest.”
A hot iron pressed inside his chest, and he couldn’t stop the sharp retort, “I’m glad you like it. It’s staying like that.”
…Why…did he do that? It’s been happening more and more. His chest would tighten, and next thing he knew, venom would leak from his words, even towards the people he loved. But a sick part of him felt satisfied. Maybe she’d leave him alone.
His mother gave a disapproving glare, but said nothing of it. The two ate as a tense silence fell on them.
Today Saki had been the one waiting on Tsukasa. She was already chatting with one of her friends, so when he finally came out of the house, she gave a small wave and started walking with her friend. Tsukasa trailed behind them, keeping his eyes on the ground.
He was radio silent. After a few minutes, Tsukasa realized it bothered him more than anyone else. Hell, Saki seemed happy to be talking. She didn’t notice anything off with him.
”What if…I just stopped trying? If I stayed silent? Would anyone care?” The incessant voice whispered. Yet this time, he listened. Maybe it was from the weeks of sleep deprivation catching up to him, or the unspoken loneliness and jealousy seeping into his bones, but he listened.
As Saki headed off to school, Tsukasa went down the familiar crossing leading to his school.
He walked off without saying a word, and disappeared into the crowd. With a few steps, the usually boisterous and energetic Tsukasa Tenma dimmed, the star blending into the void of space.
—-----------------
The school day didn’t improve his mood. Toya, Akito, Rui, everyone he knew…He noticed they just talked around him if he didn’t say a word. He truly became a ghost. He wanted to join in…but at the same time, he really just didn’t have the energy anymore. Everything he said had a predictable answer, after all. While Toya and Akito could banter, all he would get was a quick, “Cool!” or “Oh, yay”. Would it really matter what he said?
The school day passed slowly. He didn’t say a word for most of it. But towards the end of the day, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. One of his classmates, one who always slacked off and, put nicely, like an absolute moron, made a one off joke to a friend and Tsukasa snapped.
Next thing he knew, he was standing in the hall with his History teacher. The other man was around his height, not very old. He was around his late 20s, with messy brown hair and square glasses. He would honestly look like a student if it wasn’t for his lack of school uniform. Tsukasa found him nice enough, even if he sometimes had issues understanding him since he was Canadian and sometimes his accent would leak words together, but standing there, Tsukasa felt like a cornered animal.
His teacher, Mr. Bayrou, crossed his arms as he looked at Tsukasa, frowning slightly. Tsukasa shifted his weight, not meeting his eyes. Mr. Bayrou broke the silence first.
“One of your classmates slipped me a note that you were acting off today. Are you okay?”
Somehow, those three words, while usually so simple, so easy to move past, made Tsukasa freeze. He didn’t break his silence and just gave a small nod as he tried to ignore the lump forming in his throat. He thought that would be the end of it, but Mr. Bayrou kept pressing.
Mr. Bayrou tilted his head, and with a calm voice holding so much patience checked, “Did Kaizen say something to you? Do something to you to make you mad at him?”
Tsukasa shook his head both times. Finally, he broke his vow of silence as he quietly murmured, “I just got mad at him.” Even now, Tsukasa couldn’t stop his mask of cheer from slipping back on, laughing and grinning, even as he hugged himself.
Mr. Bayrou nodded slowly, muttering, “Good, good…He can be a bit difficult, I understand.”
A beat passed. Finally, Mr. Bayrou looked Tsukasa in the eyes and asked again, “...Are you really okay?”
Tsukasa opened his mouth to respond…but no sound left. His eyes watered, and despite his attempts to stop it, his voice came out as a weak stammer of “I- I- I- Yeah no I- Nothi…” His throat was tightening, a net inside it catching all his words. He wanted to say “I’m fine” and move on, but a small part of him was begging to be listened to, for someone to finally see him again.
He was grounded again, and for a moment, he wasn’t a ghost but a teen who was close to a breakdown.
Mr. Bayrou noticed, and his eyes softened with some empathy. He quietly requested, “...Tsukasa. You can take a pass and walk around the school a bit to clear your head. You have my permission to step out a bit.”
Tsukasa shook his head and choked out, “But- I still need to finish the assignment for class today-”
Mr. Bayrou put a hand up, signaling him to stop. Gently, but with a hint of firmness, he reaffirmed, “I don’t care about the assignment. I care about you. Take a few minutes. You’re welcome back when you feel ready.”
Tsukasa couldn’t find any words for that. How long had it been since he heard those words? How long had it been since someone said that to him instead of him saying it to another person?
“People who leave you…” The nasty voice hissed in his mind, but he shoved it down again. It was getting louder by the day, but…he hoped if he kept pressing it deep down than it couldn’t catch up to him.
Tears threatening to spill, Tsukasa gave a small nod. Mr. Bayrou wrote him a hall pass, and Tsukasa muttered, “I’ll…I’ll be back in five.”
“You are welcome whenever you are ready.” Mr. Bayrou assured him, and Tsukasa slipped out of class.
One lap…Two laps…So many laps he walked along the halls, going in circles. Each time, the thoughts were getting louder, and a few students skipping classes or working outside shot glances at the disheveled blond haired boy walking through the halls over and over again.
Finding one of the old, hidden off to the side bathrooms, Tsukasa slipped inside. He looked into the mirror, confirming that he really had a reflection, that he wasn’t really dead, or a ghost.
All that stared at him was a teenager with greasy blond hair, heavy eye bags, and the expression of someone five seconds away from either screaming or punching someone.
He finally allowed himself to let go of his tears inside an empty stall.
Each drop from his eyes slid down his face as he let out muffled whimpers, like a pathetic kicked puppy. He felt all the anger, shame, resentment, exhaustion, all of it came down on him at once.
He had been seen, but at what cost? For how long?
How long before he is deemed “cured” and ignored again? Once he leaves crisis? Once he’s not bothering anyone? He couldn’t tell anymore.
Twenty minutes later, Mr. Bayrou noticed Tsukasa enter the room and head back to his seat. Tsukasa was smiling again, chatting it up with his classmates again and letting his voice be loud again. But there was no mistaking how puffy his eyes were, nor the blood on his lips from biting.
—-----------------
Dismissal couldn’t have come sooner. The second Tsukasa came home, to an empty house as usual, he threw his bags down. Once in his room, the laptop called to him…But he grabbed his guitar instead.
He wasn’t very good at it, but teaching himself was fun. It was calming. It quieted momentarily all the chaos in his head.
Dreams of being a star…seemed so far. Each missed note, each cramp of his hands felt like another whisper of “Not good enough”. He didn’t stop playing though. He only put it down when he heard the door open, announcing the arrival of his mother. He didn’t need to hear another comment on how he “needs a metronome”.
The sun fell quicker than Tsukasa could process in his flurry of homework and housework. The clock struck 23:03. He showered, and knew he needed to sleep if he wanted to be ready for school the next day, but everything in his body screamed against it. Sitting on his bed, in the Keroppi pajamas Saki had gotten him last year for his birthday, his eyes landed back to his laptop.
…He really was going to do this, huh? Truly…when had he fallen this low? When had he gotten this lonely and pathetic?
He thought back to Mr. Bayrou. If he knew what kind of things Tsukasa thought and how much he let himself spiral…Tsukasa wondered whether he still would have said those things.
Pushing the thoughts away once more, Tsukasa shut off his lights to trick his parents into assuming he had fallen asleep. Yet, Tsukasa turned on a small lamp by his bed and opened his laptop.
He couldn’t believe he was degrading himself like this again. He should be better. But…he needed the escape, the small amount of time to have some relief, some silence. Even if the cost was his sleep. His mental stability was already wavering, and he barely had energy nor will to do the usual things that would make him happy…So, as the blue light greeted him like the world’s most toxic ex, he felt a rush of shame but detachment. Maybe a part of him felt like he deserved this. That by doing this, he could prove how…shitty he was, just like she had told him years ago.
The fog of exhaustion grew, blinding him. Yet he pushed forward. Yet…He could feel his body starting to fail on him, slowly with each day. What was tripping and mixed up speech today he knew would slowly lead to his body fully giving up on him. Yet, that was the Tenma way, wasn’t it? His own father did the same.
“...Can anyone hear me?” Tsukasa whispered under his breath,threaded through the hum of the lamp near him.
Nothing would greet him back but the sound of his fingers beginning to type on the keys once more, falling into the shameful rhythm his own desperation led him to.