Chapter Text
Bright and unique blue, a shade that isn't seen in neither the sky or the sea, integrated with deep orange. Fire and Lightning, two sides of the same coin, both bring death, but one comes like thunderstorms, the other brings warmth before leading you to hell.
Yeong has never liked the terrifying power that comes out of his hands, sometimes he feels as though he's drowning in the sensation, and even though he practices control everyday, deep down he knows it's not enough.
But he loves Mea hi, despite the memory of strikes of a destructive fire ruining his home, he loves that gentle warmth, he watches her dance with it, and he adores, and he's so overwhelmed that when he wants to compliment her efficiency, he says something else entirely, "That is beautiful."
Mea hi's cheeks are the evidence that this, out of the blue, was completely inappropriate, so he tries to explain that he meant something else, that those strikes are so beautiful when you look at them from this angle, but with his denial comes her dissatisfaction. He knows, he has to confess eventually, the sooner the better, or he'll lose her. She's not one to appreciate cowards.
"Until when are you just going to watch, Yeong?" She asks, gathering the courage to confront him.
"If I join, I'll beat you in less than a second."
"Dogs sure like to bark a lot."
Oh, how he wishes he had confessed back then, now that the memory wakes him up like a nightmare. What a shame, what a waste. He never told her, just how dear she was to him, just how much he she meant to him, how much he loves her, because he never stopped loving her. Mea hi might be gone, but his feelings aren't. His heart can't forget what is lost.
Although he tried, really, Yeong even tried the most irrational ways that would bring him nothing but shame had his father been alive to punish him, because he deserves punishment, for the people he killed without a thought convincing himself that it was a royal command, thinking it'll fill that void inside him, for the booze and the drugs, thinking it'll distract him until he forgets completely.
That pathetic little creature they call "emperor" loves him for it, calls him on his happy days, claiming that looking at a prize like him brings him joy. Oh, how he would love to see that ugly head separated from the neck.
He doesn't know whether the emperor wants to torment him, or genuinely likes to have his company. His aunt tells him that it doesn't matter, he just needs to endure this cage until the emperor dies like the others, but every day, the urge to run away kills him more than yesterday.
Yeong knows, he will never get used to this.
Yet there are no other choices, as every step he takes is seen, he is seen, because he's perceived as not a human. Sometimes they look at him as though appreciating art, but when too close, he's looked at as a wounded animal that might crawl up and scratch your face.
"You need to stop, I'm saying this with good heart, as your healer."
"I'm not your patient."
"But you're here." Jang bin smiles at him, and he wants to crush that smug look on his face before remembering that this is his friend, not another one of those shameless palace guards that mock his state.
He tries to stand, controlling his breathing and his trembling legs, numb from the long passed euphoria, left with a quiet ache that never goes away.
"I'm fine."
"Sure you are."
"I mean it."
"If you say so."
He gives Jang bin a look, annoyed and exhausted, knowing it's only amusing the healer.
Jang bin signs, "I'm just concerned about you."
"I appreciate it, really." He says, shutting the conversation down before taking his sword and leaving the infirmary.
Just after closing the door, he stumbles to another, his back crushing hard on the door, had he been on his right mind, he'd punch the guy to retaliate, but in this pathetic state, he can only look up with a scowl, gather all the simmering resentment and throw it on the person daring to ruin his mood further.
The guy has the audacity to walk past him without a glance. Not even an acknowledgement, let alone an apology. And they say he is the rude one?
Forget about the numbness in his legs, he has to give this bastard a lesson. So what if he's just the emperor's lapdog? He is the emperor's lapdog.
But just when he wants to strike the guy from behind, he notices that he's not wearing a uniform. He's not a soldier, or even a worker. He's probably not from the palace. What is he even doing here? He doesn't look like he works in the infirmary or the garden either.
The guy suddenly stops in his tracks, hesitantly turning around to look at Yeong, frowning. He's wearing all white, expensive clothing, the kind that only the nobility or higher individuals could afford to wear. But what catches more attention, is the white hair, flowing on his face like ashes. He stares at him for a moment not too long, before turning back and proceeding on his walk.
Choi Yeong blinks, feeling odd. He can't help but feel strange about the whole interaction. His body feels lighter, somehow. The numbness is swiftly leaving, he feels energy spinning around him before fading, disappearing in thin air. Calm, like the ocean before storm taking over.
This guy was probably dangerous, he has a certain guess. Causing a scene just for his pride might have turned things around in a way he couldn't have possibly predicted.
"Huh, weird." He mutters, decides to curse Jang under his breath just to feel less like an idiot.
Maybe he really should stop taking those herbs.
Or he could take them until he can't.
This is not the first time that the thought of death crosses his mind. He doesn't know when it's started whispering next to his ear, doesn't care to find out. What he does know, is that his ending is near. Death walkes just a little bit faster, Choi yeong could easily reach it if wanted.
The foolish promise he made to his long lost master is the only thing that keeps him together now, it's also the one excuse that allows him to drown himself in self-pity.
He takes a deep breath, trying to put that odd accident off his mind, and finds himself walking to his chambers in woodalchi house instead. Nothing would make him feel better other than a good sleep.
When he wakes up, he finds that disgusting creature that he was supposed to protect is dead. Poisoned in his sleep, they say. Blood was running out of his face, eyes completely destroyed. Probably suffered a lot.
Nobody really tries to find the culprit. He thinks that this is it, this is the time they finally decide to get rid of him, they have a good enough reason now. He has failed his one duty, protecting his majesty. But turns out everyone hated the man almost as much as Yeong did.
"All people are actors here. I thought you'd realized this a long time ago. To survive, you're a clown at the right time."
"Are you a clown too, aunt?"
Lady Choi looks at him like she wants to pull his ear. He gives her a smile and looks down, just a harmless joke. Ah, his master appreciated his humor.
They're walking the new king to his palace. He's 12, only 8 years younger than Choi yeong. With frightening clarity, he understands why the late king was murdered now. He was too unpredictable, too unstable for Yuan's control. They needed someone that could be influenced, and who better than a child?
The said child looks at him with curiosity, "Are you really the caption of woodalchi?
"Yes, your highness."
"Aren't you too young?"
"So are you, your highness."
His aunt gasps at him but the child frowns, "You are impolite."
"Forgive me, your highness."
Smiling brightly, the new king decides, "I like you, woodalchi caption!"
He hates the new king, but just the title. This child deserves to live a life better than being a mindless puppet in this golden cage where he is constantly threatened by his own so called servants. Choi Yeong has carefully managed to keep a low profile during official meetings in order to keep himself away from unnecessary conflicts, but he's close enough to hear their remarks and see their mocking stares. Some are even worse, they expect the kid to become some kind of legendary, to atand against Yuan's greed, but how could he? Yuan has made him a king, any assertive response would be a death wish. Even a child is smart enough to know that.
Surprised by himself, he spends more time with his highness. They ride together, read books together, share their meals and soon he realizes that for the first time since Mea hi's death he's been able to eat properly for a decent amount of time.
"Yeong doesn't like the palace, does he?"
"Oh my, how dare I."
"Really, though."
He sighs, "What makes your majesty think that way?"
"Most people here want to use me for something. Either to climb their way up, or to pull my strings. You aren't interested in any of those."
"I'm not sure if climbing up is worth it, to be honest."
The child looks at him with sadness in his eyes, "Do you want to leave, Caption?"
He looks back, wants to deny it kindly, but the face staring up to him is so serious that he would feel guilty if he doesn't show sincerity. So he crouches down and tells him, "Maybe someday, but I'm not leaving without your majesty's permission."
"So if I wanted to do the right thing, I must give you permission."
He wants to nod and tell him yes. Maybe even beg. This is his chance, he can get his freedom back. He can move past these walls, knowing he can go anywhere.
But he doesn't have the heart to.
Not when his majesty is all alone in this horrifying place. He's not selfish enough to use this child's naivety for his own good. He can't allow himself to be the same as those politicians he resents.
So instead he says, "I promise to stay and protect you, your highness."
Before, he had been forced to guard the king that killed his master and destroyed his group. Now, he stays on his own to protect a child that has nobody else left.
It would have been poetic had the young emperor not been dethroned days later.
They don't get to say goodbye properly, the only thing left from his majesty is a letter where his only command is written, "The last duty of Caption Choi Young is to assist the Emperor to the palace." He reads it over and over again. He can almost feel his freedom in his veins, closer than blood.
It's like there is another person living inside him, eager to get out, eager to break something, and it won't be satisfied until it's allowed to breathe in his skin. No matter how much he ignores it, he can't stop hearing the noise in his head, its demands to take over. He wonders if it's his own rage, and he's buried it so deep that now it's become another person entirely, crawling its way out of the dirt to destroy all things that surrounds him.
His biggest shame is that he'll probably let it take control. He's been fighting in desperation for so long, and he's burning out.
Days and months pass, still no emperor chosen. Honestly, the palace has been more peaceful without a King. Maybe Yuan should just make it official at this point, since Goryeo is another state of the Kingdom at this point, therefore it doesn't need a separate king, he thinks bitterly. It's surprising how just a few years ago he would have died for his fatherland and now, he barely feels a thing.
"I need a break."
"There are too many eyes on you right now. Any move that sparks attention would give them excuses to paint you as a traitor." Jang bin tells him, tone even and no room for arguments.
He gives a tender smile, "I know. Which is why I need your help."
Jang bin gives him a look, "I'm not going to help you leave the palace just to get drunk in some kisaeng house and return as a clown."
"No one takes the woodalchi seriously anyway." He scoffs.
"No."
"Please."
"Would have been nice if you were always this polite."
He gasps, "Have I ever been disrespectful? I'm the nicest person to you here!"
"It's the opposite, Caption. In fact, I'm the nicest person to you . There are plenty of people that are way nicer to me." He gives Yeong one of his annoying grins.
But he ends up helping him despite his disagreement, because he really is the nicest to him.
So when he's supposed to have a fever and rest in the infirmary, he's hanging out on his own. He wanted to get drunk but the idea of Jang looking at him with I knew you'd do this again glance physically pains him and so, deciding to be unpredictable, he's going to be sober tonight.
Here, next to the river, with the quiet water flowing and fireflies around him, he feels out of place, somehow. Like he's trapped between time and life itself. He thinks about the future, what he's going to do after he does his last one job as the Woodalchi Caption. When he was in red moon group, he thought it'd last forever. Among his brothers and Mea hi, there was no need to think about future. Their present was all that mattered.
Maybe he should start saving money. For what, he hasn't decided yet. He could learn to be a healer. Maybe a juggler? That would be fun. When he has enough money, he can travel. He kinda misses Japan. He longs to be somewhere far away. A place where he could be a stranger, start new. A profound change.
Find a reason to live.
Just when he closes his eyes to relax, he hears music, sorrow tone and cold, as empty as the void in his heart.