Chapter Text
Gentle fingers ran up and down Yoongi’s face and if he had no recollection of last night, he would run. But he did and god, did it hurt! He felt a strong pang in his chest and wished he could just disappear into thin air. Or turn into ashes. Did he want to leave something behind? Be remembered? To this question, Yoongi could only shrug. If only he knew.
“Yoongi? Are you awake?” Jimin’s morning voice caressed his ears and Yoongi wanted to hide further into the mattress until he vanished. Or maybe ceased to exist. Maybe that would be better. He simply didn’t want to be where he was at that moment, in his bed, with his boyfriend’s arms protectively wrapped around his frame.
Don’t get him wrong, he loved his boyfriend. He loved his sunshine smiles and his laughter that reminded him of spring and everything beautiful, ethereal. Jimin was spring and Yoongi loved green. Don’t get him wrong second time, though, he couldn’t steal spring. And he knew sooner or later it would happen. That was just how Yoongi was, bound to screw things up, to hurt the ones he loved. He was a monsoon and Jimin was fragile.
If only Yoongi could will himself to sleep, to fall into an eternal slumber, much like the Sleeping beauty – except, he didn’t want any prince to save him, he was fine with sleeping forever, thank you very much.
“Why did you stay? You should have just gone home,” grunted Yoongi burying his face into the pillow and wiggling his way out of his boyfriend’s embrace.
“But I am home. You are my home, remember?” the black-haired boy chuckled and yet, Yoongi could feel the fear, the silent prayer of “please, please, don’t push me away”.
Why? Why would Jimin want to be anywhere near him? Did he not see the black paint dripping from him?
“Please, just go away. I want to be alone. And besides, I’m hungover, I don’t feel like talking,”
Lie. It was all a lie. Yoongi wanted to talk so badly. He wanted to bring his demons out, into the light. He wanted to give them shapes, qualities, and he wanted to ask Jimin to help him get rid of them. But he was too weak, too vulnerable and all he could do was watch –and feel- the demons take over. He could feel them crawling under his skin, poisoning his blood system. Or maybe it’d been just him all along. Maybe he didn’t have demons inside. Maybe he was a demon. Quite the self-destructive type, if one may add. Yoongi wanted to laugh and then smash his head against a wall.
“Stop!” Jimin’s high-pitched voice pulled Yoongi out of this stupid, dark head of his and the same fingers that had awoken him, were at that moment threading through his hair, “Please, stop trying to push me away. I love you,”
Yoongi felt his throat closing up and he bolted off the bed. Deep, deep in his mind he wanted to believe his boyfriend’s words. He wanted to hold him tight and assure him he loved him, too and that he would try to get better. The demon inside of him – or better yet, his demon self- could only scoff.
You don’t deserve his love. He’s going to leave you. He’s just lying to you because you are so fucking unstable that he’s afraid you might blow your brains out if you could see how pathetic your life is.
Yoongi wanted to cry. It was true. Jimin must have been lying to him all this time. He was going to leave, he had to. After all, everybody got tired of a sad person being sad. His spring didn’t need his gloomy pitiful excuse of existence. He needed sun, he needed warmth. Maybe Yoongi was winter.
“Can’t you just leave? Why is it so hard for you to leave me? I’m hurting you!”
“No! Yoongi, stop! I am not leaving and you are not hurting me. You’re only hurting yourself,”
Jimin took a cautious step towards Yoongi, not wanting to startle him or set him off. Yoongi felt like a wild animal. Or an insane person who was a danger to both himself and others. In a way, he was. He did almost jump off that bridge and different ways to put an end to his life still paid a visit during the dark hours of night. Sometimes he would drown his mind in copious amounts of alcohol. Other times he would surrender and fall victim of the thoughts ending up making a thorough plan to be put into action. He had never gone with any of his plans, though, not to the very end at least. His heart was still beating against his ribcage reminding him of his failures.
“Yoongi? Please, talk to me,” Jimin’s pleading eyes met Yoongi’s glazed over ones, his voice somewhat muffled in the daze the latter was currently in.
He faintly felt the warm hands squeezing his as if reassuring him it was okay to get out of his head for a while. Was it, though? His head was dark and oh, so cold. His head was everything Jimin wasn’t. It felt so right, to be in his head where there were no lies, no pretending. The voice knew he was a failure and didn’t hesitate to point it out every now and then. And Yoongi was glad. His feelings were validated and for once he felt right.
“Yoongi!” the grip on his hands tightened and the blond was out of his reverie.
“What is there to talk about? I want you to leave, that’s all. It’s not that hard,” replied Yoongi shooting a glare at Jimin whose face crumpled.
Wait. If Jimin didn’t love him like the voice had been saying, then why did his face crumpled? Why did he look so shattered? Was he in pain? Did Yoongi cause him pain?
“Yoongi,” the black-haired boy sighed almost inaudibly and pulled his boyfriend into his embrace, one hand going up and down his back to let him know he was there. He wouldn’t leave. Really?
Yoongi let out a choked sob as he buried his face in the other’s neck, arms snaking around his waist. He could feel his sanity slipping and he didn’t know if he could get it back.
“I don’t know what’s real anymore. I don’t know what to believe,”
At those words, Yoongi could feel Jimin’s body slightly tense up and he knew he’d made a mistake. He shouldn’t have said anything. Jimin was going to leave him. Instead of feeling cold and alone, however, Yoongi only felt warmer, a pair of arms pressing his body closer. Why wasn’t Jimin leaving?
“Believe me, hyung. Believe when I say I love you. Believe me when I say your life is precious and I want to help you preserve it. Believe me when I say you will learn to love the mornings, the freshly-brewed coffee, the birds chirping and kids laughing again. Believe me when I say you will get out of bed and you will want to live. Believe me when I say you deserve to experience all these things, to feel all that love towards life,”
It hurt. His lungs were on fire and he wasn’t sure he was going to make it. Did he want to make it? He wasn’t sure about that, either.
“I can’t!”
“Believe me when I say you can,”
Tender hands moved from his torso to his face and cupped it in between. Jimin searched for his boyfriend’s eyes with his own only to be met with a heart-wrenching empty look. It was as if Yoongi’s soul had been sucked out of his body and all that was left was a shell. Yoongi had an empty vessel. Jimin had hope.
“Why are you so good to me?”
“Because I love you, silly! When you love someone, you want them to be okay. If they are not, you help them back up. Sometimes you fight for both of you but that’s okay,”
Jimin shot him a soft smile and Yoongi knew the former was doing his best to chase away his boyfriend’s doubts that had been eating him alive. Why?
“I’m sorry you have to fight for both of us,”
“Don’t apologize. That’s what I’m here for. I’m fighting for both of us until you muster up enough energy to stand back up. And you will, eventually,”
Yoongi buried himself deeper into the other’s neck, hot tears rolling down his cheeks .His frail frame shook violently .He wanted to believe Jimin. He really did. But the voice screeched in his mind, telling him it was all a lie. A big fat lie. Yoongi pulled at his hair dying to get rid of the voice. Sob after sob, each more audible and painful than the previous, took over his body and he could only fall down on his knees, the weight on his chest unbearable.
“I’m here. I’m here. Listen to my voice, Yoongi,”
Although he had his eyes closed he was certain Jimin was right in his face searching for any sign that Yoongi was still there, that he was still human – which Yoongi wasn’t sure he was -. He felt himself being lifted and placed onto a lap, his favorite lap to be exact. Jimin tucked his head under his chin, arms wrapped around his torso ever so protectively.
“Hyung, let me tell you about my home. Now, I know you’ve been there before and you know what it looks like. But do you know how I see it? It’s not very big and it’s in a neighborhood some might consider dangerous. I don’t see it that way, though. I feel safe there. The wall might be a bit moldy and the sun might not reach the rooms that often but I don’t mind. It’s my home and I feel right there. And isn’t that the whole point of having a home? Feeling safe and right. And you know what the best thing is, hyung?” Yoongi could hear the gleeful note in Jimin’s question which made him quirk up an eyebrow,” My home is you! I’m not going to sugar-coat it and tell you you’re perfect. No one is perfect! Yes, you have your bad habits – and the drinking is something we really need to work on, as well as the locking yourself up inside your head, for that matter – but still, you are worthy of love! You deserve to be loved just the way you are now, flaws and all. And I’ve taken it upon myself to love you twice as much until you learn to love yourself, too! I am not giving up on you, Yoongi, so don’t you dare give up on yourself!”
Yoongi could feel his love’s chest trembling slightly against his back. Was he suppressing a cry? Maybe he should focus on himself instead but the tight feeling in his own chest was far too overwhelming. He didn’t know what to do, how to process Jimin’s words. The voice was still there, yelling, but just for a short moment he wanted to believe Jimin. He wanted to get lost in his world. So, he willed himself to focus on his boyfriend’s lavender scent and his hands drawing soothing circles on his back.
“Look, hyung, the sun is kissing your skin because it loves you and wants you to be okay. It’s literally cheering on you!”
Jimin’s light chuckle was a punch in the annoying voice’s throat and for a while Yoongi could only hear his favorite sound, Jimin’s cheery laugh. The former closed his eyes again feeling the sun on his skin in addition to Jimin’s whole existence. Yoongi smiled allowing himself to be okay just like he had the other night, just for a little while longer. Jimin was spring and Yoongi hoped he could absorb the sun rays enough to keep him blooming. Jimin was spring and Yoongi loved green.