Chapter Text
No. Because I did this.
Chase Ambrose ౨ৎ˚₊ 📸
The air was warm with laughter, the road lit by the streetlamps. Chase savored the closeness he shared with Brendan, the boy’s arm slung around his shoulder, the other on Joel’s as they walked down the quiet street. The only noises were the familiar laughs from Brendan before he spoke.
“So, we’re still going to film something for Video Club?” Brendan asked in his signature goofy tone, slightly breathless from laughing.
“Mhm, if we can even manage to pull off your stupid ideas..” Chase replied, his hand reaching up to ruffle Brendan’s hair, carding through the soft, messy brown locks that he knew he’d miss soon… He shook out of that, though, as he noticed the group speed up slightly. He heard Shoshanna tease the group, but didn’t think much of it until he heard Brendan speak,
“Are you saying I should choose to be loud and annoying?” he replied, giggling as he sped up, his arms dropping from his shoulders. Chase frowned; he missed the brief contact as he watched Brendan jog off, playfully yelling, “I can certainly do that!” Before Brendan got too far, Chase jokingly grabbed at Brendan’s hoodie,
“Don’t think that my physical skills went away when I fell off that roof, I’m still as fast as when I was the star of the Hurricanes!” He said with a grin, laughing as he gave the hood another tug, surprised as Brendan fell backward onto him and they hit the ground with a thud, Chase absorbing most of the fall. He let out a wince once his back hit the concrete, followed by Brendan falling onto him. He paused for a moment on the ground, recalling how Brendan had told him stories of the old Chase, the one who would purposely push and shove at Brendan for his own amusement.
He let out an awkward laugh, an attempt to distract himself from those thoughts, though Brendan had seemed to notice as he got off of Chase, dusting himself off, a concerned expression on the brunette's freckled face.
“Soooo not cool, Chase, I thought you were done with bullying me!” Brendan chirped jokingly, but Chase didn’t laugh, not at first. The smile that should have been on his face was replaced with the grim feeling of guilt, because he knew that shortly, he was going to be the reason that Brendan would never really smile at him again.
He heard Joel and Shoshanna catch up to them, but he didn’t fully listen. In one ear and out the other.
“Joel forgot the stuff at our place—” Shoshanna sputtered, and he didn’t bother to look up at them to catch the awkward and apologetic smile Joel gave.
“Of course he did.” Chase mumbled, the words leaving a sour taste in his mouth as he averted his gaze. He mentally slapped himself for saying it. It once again brought him back to those late nights when Brendan would sometimes tell him the full extent of his bullying. Despite being able to hold Brendan tight to his chest and assure that he’s safe, he never felt like he deserved it. Not after what he did. His old character would always haunt him.
He flinched back to reality when he heard Shoshanna say something, though he didn’t quite pick it up, glancing at Brendan. He noticed a small blush on Brendan’s cheeks but didn’t know what had caused it. He felt inhumane. He knew Brendan would look to him to see his reaction to whatever Shosh said, but he didn’t know what she had said. He looked away. He didn’t want to have to see Brendan’s sad face.
“Why don’t we go mess around on the playground?” He heard Brendan offer, the hope laced with craving in his tone made him smile slightly.
“Yeah, sure.” He replied, noticing Brendan setting his eyes on the merry-go-round. He led Brendan over, hand in hand, Brendan squeezing lightly, Chase squeezing back. The touch, even so small, felt like a warm fire on his skin and made Chase never want to let go. Chase took the spot in the middle, his head leaning on a seat while his legs bunched up awkwardly, too long to dangle off the structure. Brendan pushed eagerly, hopping on. Brendan was awkwardly stretched over Chase’s legs, but they both rearranged into something more comfortable.
Brendan’s legs were splayed to the side, knees and waist slightly bent so that he could be a comfortable pillow for Chase. Chase was still too tall for the structure to fit him lying down, but at least now he had his head against Brendan’s lap, nuzzling into Brendan’s stomach as he leaned forward slightly.
As the structure spun, Brendon began to ramble about his plans for the film he was hoping to make that night, his hands idly brushing through Chase’s blonde, messy hair. Chase leaned into the touch; he knew he’d miss it soon. Chase stared up at Brendan, who continued to describe his ideas.
“This one’ll go better than One Man Band or Leaf Man— It’ll go viral!” Brendan continued, one of his hands leaving Chase’s hair to gesture as he spoke. Chase’s expression stiffened as Brendan mentioned those old stunts they had filmed together, already mourning those bittersweet memories. Chase continued to stare at Brendan’s face shamelessly. His attention shifted from his genuine and all-consuming smile to his slightly pink and chapped lips. His eyes bled raw emotion, whether tears or joy or whatever mood Brendan was fostering. His ears were now lightly pink from the cold. He moved back to Brendan’s eyes. The deep, tree-bark color that always caught his attention, even though brown was a common eye color. They never failed to shine even under the dirtiest streetlamps.
“Hey, Chase?”
“Mhm?” He answered dreamily.
Brendan giggled. “You’re really out of it. Are you tired?”
“Mhmm,” Chase closed his eyes blissfully, enjoying even the silence Brendan held.
“Are you even listening?” Brendan waved a hand in front of his face. “You know what, yeah. I’m kinda tired of talking too,” He sighed, leaning back and letting his hand fall into Chase’s hair.
“I love you,” Chase mumbled. “So much.”
He hated it. Brendan looked so happy, and Chase was going to ruin it. Or maybe he was giving himself too much credit, Brendan only seemed to stay with him out of pity. Times when he almost walked by Chase in the hallway or at lunch and only turned last second, when he realized Chase was alone. And on top of that, he could only be harming Brendan by staying with him, I mean, how could someone be in a happy relationship with their past tormentor?
My heart leaps into my throat. “I did that?”
“I was leaning over the drinking fountain. You came by and shoved me in the back of the head. Three stitches.”
Chase was the one to put a scar on Brendan’s face. He didn’t deserve to play happy family with him after wounding him like that. It was different with Joel. They weren’t enemies, but they understood and respected that Chase was Joel’s bully, and even though he changed, they’d always just be friends. No amount of apologies would ever fix that lingering hatred, even if both people tried their hardest.
He had to do it soon, or else Shoshanna and Joel would come back, and it’s not like he could do it in front of them. He took a shallow breath, the air barely entering his lungs, and he finally pushed the words out, his hands gripping his jeans, “Hey.. uhm, Brendan–?” He managed to croak, unable to maintain eye contact as the merry-go-round they perched on slowed to a complete stop.
“Yeah?” a pause of silence, “is something the matter?” He asked. Chase sighed, bringing his knees up to his chest, hugging them as he looked away, “Chase. You’ve been acting weird this whole time. Are you okay?” He questioned, the worry evident in his tone as he took Chase’s hand in his. Chase took another shaky breath, trying to keep his composure flat, hoping that would soften the blow. He managed to push out some words,
“I… it’s… I just don’t think I can…” he started, trailing off as his throat wouldn't allow more words. He turned away, trying to hide his expression from the other boy. He felt the regret pooling in his chest, his leg bounced anxiously as he let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.
“I- I just don’t think I can really handle it. It isn’t your fault... I just don’t want to be in a relationship where I constantly remind my partner of our past, and I don’t want to be pitied, even if you love me.” He said, fumbling over his words slightly as he caught a glimpse of Brendan’s devastated face. He buried his face in his knees and hands, tugging at his already disheveled blonde hair. Chase barely picked up what Brendan said next; he was too lost in his own thoughts.
“I- What- No! I don’t pity you-” Chase could barely hear Brendan say, and it made his chest feel fractured into thousands of sharp shards to hear the wreck of Brendan’s voice. He knew Brendan didn’t mean whatever he said- he was probably just trying to act as if he cared.
Chase was brought out of his head by a hand on his shoulder, Brendan cooing some sort of comfort into his ear. Chase couldn’t think clearly, shoving Brendan off of him and scooting away in the merry-go-round. His mind and body broke further when he saw the first tears prick at Brendan’s eyes, hit with another wave of guilt mixed with nausea.
A slightly higher-pitched, prepubescent voice cut through the empty playground. “Sorry we took so long, Shoshanna decided to grab like five other things because ‘why not I guess!’” Chase thought he heard Joel giggle a little, but most of his senses were focused in on Brendan. Still always Brendan. He could see Brendan staring at him in his peripheral vision, but couldn’t bear looking at him head-on. The night seemed extra quiet, and all he could hear was the uneven breaths Brendan was taking.
“Hey, we can film this another night, maybe you two should go home and rest?” Shoshanna offered when she noticed the pair's unusual quiet. Chase stumbled out of the merry-go-round, trying to distance himself from Brendan as he steeled his emotions and forced his face into a neutral expression. He didn’t want to give away to Joel or Shoshanna what had happened; they didn’t need to know yet.
“Yeah, I was starting to feel tired anyway.” He forced out, voice threatening to betray his act. Chase could still feel Brendan’s eyes on him, and it was torture to not turn back to console him.
Chase started the walk back, trying not to wait for everyone else to catch up. He couldn’t help but notice the mood change, and every time he gave in to looking over his shoulder, he saw how Shoshanna had that look on her face that seemed to scream, “What have you done.”
Right as the warm lights of the Weber house that marked the end of their hangout came into view, Shoshanna ended her conversation with Joel to catch up to Chase, and he could feel her tug at his arm to try and slow him down.
“What did you do?” She was borderline snarling, voice quiet but serious. “I swear- if you for some reason decided you actually would take another shot at bullying, I will dump frozen yogurt on your head again.”
Chase was unresponsive, flinching slightly when she brought up his bullying. He only gave a small nod of acknowledgment, but otherwise it was a one-sided conversation.
Before Shoshanna could say more, they were in front of Weber’s house, and their parents were opening the front door, calling for them to come inside. Chase barely paid attention to their farewell, only caring to steal glances at Brendan while he was distracted. The boy looked almost worse, like he was trying to force a dead body to come alive.
“Let’s go,” He muttered, his hand reaching over to grasp Brendan’s before quickly falling back to his side when he remembered. He mentally cursed himself when it was obvious Brendan saw the gesture, shoving his hands into his pockets. Chase recalled Brendan’s previous plans for a sleepover at one of their houses. He knew how excited Brendan was, and he just had to ruin it. Chase tried to ignore Brendan, but his face fell as he caught the faint sound of Brendan’s sniffles. Good thing he was facing away from Brendan.
Once the two had reached Chase’s house, Chase stumbled up the stairs, leaving Brendan as quickly as possible. He couldn’t handle listening to his boyfr- no, his friend’s cries as he pushed open the door.
He slammed the door hard as he entered his room, and ended up staring out his window, trying to crane his head around to see if Brendan was still there. But of course he wasn’t, Chase couldn’t break up with him and expect him to stay outside his house like a clingy puppy.
He fell to his knees, digging his nails into the windowsill. Chase let his head fall forward, and he stayed in that hunched position for a while before willing himself to crawl over to his bed.
Chase hoisted himself up, clumsily tugging off his shoes that he had forgotten to take off earlier, without untying them. He had been too careless when laying down and hit his head on the bed’s headboard and cursed under his breath. He couldn’t help but curl up into a fetal position, which still failed to make him feel safer.
I can’t do anything right.
I’ll probably end up running back to Aaron and Bear and become the school’s local tormentor.
Maybe if I do that, Brendan won’t try to talk to me anymore.
Maybe I could make sure our relationship is forever ruined.
But no, I could never lay another finger on him. Not even one that gently traced his scars, the scars that I gave him.
That’d be selfish, and I can’t come back after putting him through this.
I’m a horrible person.
He looked so sad.
That face of his will forever be burned into my memory, I don’t think even another round of amnesia will make me forget.
Maybe another round of amnesia will give me an actual personality, but I don’t deserve a third chance. I didn’t deserve a second anyways.
Chase blinked, and slightly shook his head to try to wake up. It was seven minutes after midnight, and he should’ve been asleep by now. And maybe if Chase Ambrose, the one who used to be the Hurricanes favorite bully, wasn’t so dumb he’d be at Brendan’s house.
No use in thinking about that now.
He looked towards his open window with half-lidded eyes, wondering if maybe he should go up on it.
Climbing up on the roof has always calmed me before
On second thought, he decided it might not be a good idea. Even if he felt like no one currently, he sure would never miss the pain that was caused by the fall.
Sleep eventually took him. He slightly wished he had slept longer, but of course, he forgot to close the window, and the morning sun woke him quickly.