Chapter Text
20 BBY - Present Timeline
Jedi Temple, Coruscant
The bright energy flowed through Ahsoka’s body, unhindered by the usual dams of pressure and anxiety. There was only the Force. Light, clarity, order. The conclusion of her meditation was like touching down onto the planet of reality, after soaring through the expanse of hyperspace.
She opened her eyes to the Jedi Temple’s courtyard, squinting momentarily as she adjusted to the sunshine that shone off the white pavement. It was warm today, a luxury that she seldom experienced on other planets and not at all while in space. Jedi could regulate their body heat to an extent, but that ability didn’t make up for the constant, underlying chill they had to live with for weeks, sometimes months, at a time.
She felt the shift in the air around her as Anakin departed his own meditation. The two Jedi had been sitting up straight while focusing, but now Ahsoka let herself slouch, while her master leaned back on his hands where he sat beside her on the stone ledge at the edge of the yard.
“So, how’d it go?” he asked, glancing up at the cyan sky.
She felt her body droop even more. “The meditation itself was rejuvenating, but I didn’t find any answers. You?”
He shook his head. “Nothing.”
Ahsoka felt the constriction in her torso that was becoming increasingly familiar. “I wish the Force would give us more. We receive prophetic dreams without asking, but then when we search for clarity regarding something of the utmost significance, we get nothing.”
Anakin’s blue eyes met hers. “So, should I assume that spending time with the medics isn’t going well?”
“Nope.”
It had been a standard week since the meeting at Padmé’s apartment, when they created the lists of Ahsoka’s potential future partners. They had decided that she would focus on getting closer to Coric and Kix first, since Echo was away on an ARC mission and the 212th had yet to return to Coruscant for their shore leave.
Even after receiving some tips from Padmé, Ahsoka had no idea where to start. So, she had begun by visiting the medbay on a daily basis, even though she currently possessed no issues in need of medical attention. Both medics welcomed her at first, seeming pleased that she was taking an interest in the role they played in the legion. She hadn’t been able to think of anything else to talk about.
It was when she visited two days in a row, that Kix began to question her.
“Commander, it’s always a pleasure to see you, but why are you in the medbay again?” he’d asked with a raised eyebrow.
It was an excellent question that she hadn’t the faintest clue how to answer. She couldn’t exactly be honest by saying, “I’m trying to figure out if I have a baby with one of you guys in the future,” she still had no idea how to flirt, and she couldn’t just say, “I know we don’t talk one on one much, but do you want to go out with me?” She realized with an internal groan that she still wasn’t even sure she wanted to go out with them. Or anyone.
She’d settled on possibly the least convincing statement she’d ever uttered. “I just thought I should spend more time with you guys. Get to know you better.”
Kix had accepted her answer with narrowed brown eyes, before turning back to the report he was typing into his datapad.
Coric had seemed less suspicious of her motives. “Great idea, Commander. I was just heading to the rec room anyway.” Her heart lifted slightly. “I’ll comm Rex. It’s been ages since I beat you guys at darts.” Then it sank again.
She still hadn’t spoken with Rex much since before the meeting at Padmé’s and besides, if she and Coric weren’t spending time together one on one, wouldn’t that defeat the whole purpose?
“You know what, I’ll join you guys another time,” she said, trying to sound regretful. “I’ll hang out with Kix here for a bit.”
“We’ll take a rain check then,” Coric said, saluting her on his way out of the medbay. “Don’t work too hard, Kix,” he added over his shoulder. Then he was gone and the younger medic didn’t bother to respond.
“So.” Ahsoka hugged herself as she sat down in the chair next to Kix’s desk.
It had just hit her that they were alone. She’d been alone with men, especially the clones, on countless occasions, but this was the first time their isolation meant something. She sucked in a breath, forcing the air through her tightening airway. She had to do this. For the galaxy.
“So,” she repeated, but Kix cut her off before she could continue.
“With all due respect, Commander, I have a lot of work to do,” the medic told her bluntly.
“Oh.” She couldn’t stop the disappointed word from escaping her lips.
It was too late. She felt the Force ripple around him and then his steady, brown gaze was focused on her. That’s what made Kix such a skilled medic. He was attuned to not only his patients’ physical states, but their emotional responses as well.
“Is something wrong?” he asked in a softened voice.
“No, not at all,” Ahsoka stammered quickly, mentally kicking herself for her clumsy speech. “I’m sorry to bother you when you have work to do.”
Then, before he could respond, she darted from the room.
Anakin burst out laughing as she relayed that part of the story. “Wow, Snips, very smooth,” he said, once he caught his breath.
“It was horrible!” she snapped, glaring at her master.
“Oh, come on—”
“I don’t know what I’m even doing!” she burst out, before he could say more. Some of the other Jedi who were dispersed throughout the courtyard looked their way and she immediately lowered her voice. “I went back in the days after, but it was just as bad. Coric is down to hang out, but only if we invite Rex, for some reason. And Kix is either busy or stressed or studying me like I’m some puzzle he can’t figure out.”
“Wait, wait.” Suddenly Anakin sat up straight and rotated his body to face his Padawan. “Kix is ‘studying’ you? That’s good!”
“It is?”
“Yes! It means that he’s thinking about you and taking interest in you, beyond your standard commander-medic interactions.”
Ahsoka scoffed. “I don’t know about that. I think he can just tell something’s up and wants to know what.”
“It’s a start, though. Coric keeps trying to make your time together a group event, so he’s most likely not too interested in alone time,” Anakin pointed out. “But Kix is thinking about you now. Even if it’s from a medical perspective at the moment, it’s a start.”
“Start of what, though?”
“Of you and Kix bonding over more than just military topics.” He said it like it was supposed to be obvious. “You should talk to him, maybe open up a little and see where it goes. That’s where relationships start.”
“Open up about what though?” Ahsoka threw her hands up as she spoke. “I can’t tell him what’s really going on until I know for sure it’s him.”
“Well, you won’t know for sure it’s him, if you don’t find a way to get to know him better.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I am.”
She glared at him again.
They decided that Ahsoka would attempt another visit to the medbay that evening. Anakin pointed out that spending time with Kix outside his workspace would be more ideal, but even while on shore leave, the medic practically lived at his desk.
They had just finalized their new plan when the comm came in. Less than an hour following Ahsoka and Anakin’s fruitless meditation session, they were hurrying into one of the Jedi Temple’s meeting rooms.
Ahsoka had always felt small even in the Temple’s littler meeting rooms, with their high ceilings and screens along the walls that stretched nearly as tall. Today though, the space felt unusually cramped as Plo, Obi-Wan, Rex, Fives, and—Ahsoka sucked in a breath—Echo and Cody pooled in to stand around the central holotable. The moment everyone was accounted for, Master Plo launched into the briefing without preamble.
Master Even Piell was being held captive at the Citadel, a maximum security Separatist prison on Lola Sayu. The enemy was intent on forcing Piell to reveal the coordinates of the Nexus Route, a principal hyperspace route that, if found, could provide the Separatists with access to the heart of the Galactic Republic. The mission of the Jedi and ARC troopers was to rescue him before that happened. It was to be one of the most perilous missions they had ever embarked on, but it was necessary for the security of the Republic.
Even as Plo and Obi-Wan expressed the significance of their task, Ahsoka couldn’t stop her gaze from drifting across the holotable to where Echo was standing beside his twin, so still he was almost at attention. Everything about him was sharp and tidy, his black hair so perfectly flat across that she wondered if she could have balanced a ball on his head. Suddenly his eyes shifted to meet hers and she swiftly looked away, trying not to squirm where she stood while willing away the heat spreading down her lekku.
That’s what I get for letting my mind wander, she scolded herself, but then stopped. Wait. Wasn’t she supposed to be thinking differently about the men around her? No, not during an important mission brief. But of course, the more she ordered herself not to think about Echo, the more difficult it became and she spent the remaining minutes of the meeting wrangling her scattering thoughts.
When they finally exited the meeting room, Ahsoka pushed out a breath. She hadn’t realized how stuffy the space had become until she left it and no longer had to police her own thoughts and eyes.
She had completely forgotten that Anakin was beside her until he was stepping in front of her, barring her path down the broad Temple hallway.
“What are you doing?” she asked. She tried to step around him, but he shifted to block her again.
“You’re not going,” he stated, clearly having already made up his mind.
Ahsoka’s jaw dropped. “What? Why not?” she demanded. It didn’t make any sense. They needed as many Jedi on this mission as possible if they were going to even have a shot at success with minimal casualties.
Anakin opened his mouth to respond, but shut it again when the clones and other Jedi paused to observe them. Shooting them a look, Anakin grabbed Ahsoka’s arm and pulled her with him into an empty conference room.
“This mission is too dangerous,” he said, once they were alone.
“Which is exactly why I need to go,” she countered. She shook him off and crossed her arms firmly over her chest. “I’m not a kid anymore, Anakin, I’m more than capable—”
“That’s not the point,” her master argued, cutting her off. He lifted his hands, gesturing for her to hear him out. “If you really are supposed to help save the galaxy, then we can’t risk you getting killed.”
“I risk getting killed all the time anyway. Besides, according to the future, I’m the one who’s supposed to survive. It’s the guy I’m supposed to be with that needs protecting and guess who’s going on the mission. Both Echo and Cody. What if something happens to them?”
Anakin’s jaw tightened. “I know we put them on the Likely list, but we have absolutely no proof that one of them is the one.”
“And I won’t get any if something happens to them on this mission.”
“But what if it’s not one of them? We don’t actually know who it is and we can’t protect every clone.”
The realization struck Ahsoka harder than she would have expected. Despite her recent thoughts about Echo, she truly had no clue which clone she was meant to fall in love with. Yet clones were still dying every day. She couldn’t protect them all, no matter how hard she tried. This is impossible. But she didn’t have time to worry about that now. Pushing aside her anxiety, she decided to take a different approach.
“Well, I’m supposed to survive the war,” she pointed out. “And the only reason you’re telling me not to go is because of this information that the me in the other timeline didn’t have. That means I went on this mission and I survived.”
Anakin thought for a moment. Even he had to know that this mission would have a higher chance of success with more Jedi on it.
“Fine,” he said begrudgingly. “But listen to me.” He put a firm hand on her shoulder. “You cannot take any unnecessary risks. Do you understand? If you do something too dangerous simply because you believe you’ll survive…” He trailed off and Ahsoka felt the Force pulse around him.
“I know.” She patted his hand. “I’ll be careful, I promise.”
She meant it. Her master’s point was a significant one. She needed to find and protect her future partner, but none of it would matter if she perished herself.
The Citadel rescue mission was one of the most substantial challenges Ahsoka had faced throughout this war and yet, the moment her feet touched down on Lola Sayu’s crumbling surface, she felt more at ease than she had in days. Searching aimlessly for love that she wasn’t even sure she wanted felt like drowning, but she knew how to swim on the battlefield.
Just breaking into the Citadel resulted in fatalities that shrunk their team. Ahsoka felt the familiar sting of grief and remorse each time a clone gave his life to further their progress, but she’d learned long ago how to tuck those emotions away in the corner of her mind, so she could process them later. Now though, those feelings were joined by a new mixture of relief and guilt as with each loss, she found herself thinking that at least it wasn’t Echo or Cody.
As they made their way through the prison, Ahsoka struggled not to focus on the potential objects of her affection. Days ago, she’d been concerned that she wasn’t paying the clones enough attention and now she was finding it just as difficult not to think about them.
It shouldn’t matter how accurately Echo tossed his grenades or how smoothly Cody dismantled a battle droid with a single kick. She already knew they were both skilled troopers, that was exactly why they had been selected for this assignment. But maybe, once they made it back to Coruscant with Master Piell and the Nexus Route coordinates, Ahsoka would be able to take a step towards getting to know the two clones better. She allowed that thought to ease her distracted mind as she transitioned between sneaking and fighting as their mission progressed. For the first time in over a week, she felt almost hopeful.
Then everything went wrong.
When that blast consumed Echo, it didn’t feel like a regretful sting. It was crushing. Like an AT-TE slammed its entire weight down onto her chest until she couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Could barely will herself to move. It was only her training that propelled her away from the explosion, along with her comrades. She had to keep moving. She had no choice. But it felt like there was no air in her lungs.
She didn’t understand. She’d never been this emotional on the battlefield. Ever. She and Echo hadn’t even been close. So, why did she feel ready to break down in tears?
But she couldn’t afford to exhibit such emotion now. There was no other choice but to force herself onwards. When Piell used his final breaths to whisper the Nexus Route coordinates in her montral, she grasped for every bit of emotional control she possessed in order to project an image of calm resignation. Her numb facade succeeded and, when her green lightsaber impaled Osi Sobeck’s sternum and he fell limp in front of her, she barely reacted. Though she doubted she would have regretted eliminating that vile being even in her usual mindset.
Her disciplined responses came at a cost though. By the time Plo’s LAAT lifted the battered squad out of Lola Sayu’s atmosphere, Ahsoka’s entire being was weak with exhaustion and she knew it wasn’t due to the lack of rest throughout the mission. As their team made their ultimate escape, all she could do was cling to the handle that hung from the transport roof above her and pray that she wouldn’t collapse.
Throughout the journey back to Coruscant, Ahsoka felt as if she was on the verge of imploding at any given second. But she didn’t and miraculously, by the time she and the other Jedi returned to the Temple, she felt almost normal. She stood beside Anakin during the debrief and delivered the Nexus Coordinates to Master Yoda with a calm precision that would not have been possible only hours earlier.
However, her shift in stability did not prevent Anakin from pulling her aside as soon as they were released. He hooked his hand around her elbow, just as he had prior to the mission, and steered her down one of the Temple’s smaller hallways until they were alone.
“What the hell happened out there?” her master demanded.
A sudden burst of indignation shot through her. “A lot of things happened. You’re going to have to be more specific.” Despite feeling significantly better, Ahsoka could feel exhaustion weighing down her limbs. Beyond a few brief naps in hyperspace, they hadn’t slept in days. The last thing she needed right now was a lecture.
“The part where you seemed like you were about to have a breakdown and I was worried I was going to have to carry you off the battlefield.”
She tensed. She hadn’t realized that her master had been so aware of her emotional shifts during their mission, but she probably should have. “I don’t know,” she said honestly.
Her master’s face scrunched with confusion. “How do you not know?”
“I just don’t, okay?” she snapped. “Look, all I know is that it started when Echo… you know.” That was the moment her mild discomfort had transformed into devastation. What she didn’t understand was why. And why didn’t she still feel that way?
“I thought you weren’t close to him.”
“I wasn’t.”
“Then why did you react like that?”
“I don’t know!” Ahsoka nearly shouted, but caught herself before her voice raised to that level. This conversation was accomplishing nothing. “Whatever it was, I’m not feeling it anymore and I haven’t slept in ages. I’ll be in my quarters.”
She was preparing to stomp away but paused when Anakin spoke again. “Ahsoka, you know this isn’t normal for you. We have to talk about it.”
She knew he was right, but she couldn’t even begin to discuss her unexpected waves of emotion when she barely understood them herself. “I can’t right now.”
This time, she marched away down the hall before he could say any more.