Chapter Text
Chapter 21 – His Reason to Fight
“Prongs!”
“She knows.”
“What?”
“She knows. Lily knows.”
Sirius hesitated. “You sure about that?”
“Yes. I know that face she had when she looked at me. She knows it was us.”
Sirius cursed wickedly as he caught up with James. “She wouldn’t tell anyone, though. Right?”
James exhaled sharply and continued to stride swiftly towards the castle. The sun was due to rise any minute now, and they needed to reach their dormitory before that. “No, she wouldn’t.”
“Well. At least, you won’t need to lie to her anymore.”
James turned and glared at Peter. His anxiety threatened to swallow him whole the more he thought about that moment after Moony and Padfoot ran off into the forest. “I never lied to her,” he ground out, and Peter had the decency to wince. “Not telling someone something isn’t lying.”
“Keeping secrets in a relationship that’s supposed to be built on trust kind of hits the same spot, though.”
Now it was Sirius’ turn to be glared at. “Would both of you just stop already? I’m beating myself up over it enough as it is. I don’t need you two yapping on about it.”
“Relax, Prongsie.” Sirius cast a quick Homenum Revelio on the castle’s doors before pushing them open. “All you need to do is quit pulling your hair out over it, suck it up, and talk to her. Lilyflower isn’t an unreasonable woman. She’ll get it eventually.”
James raised an eyebrow at his best friend as they ducked into a secret passageway that would lead them up to the fourth floor near another passageway that would take them to an empty classroom right next to the portrait of the Fat Lady. Foregoing the invisibility cloak meant speed, so they had to risk being seen. “Lilyflower?”
Sirius waved him off. “I’m trying to come up with a nickname for her, but nothing’s stuck yet. She’s dating one of us, which practically makes her a Marauder. Well, an honorary Marauder, anyway. And that means she needs a nickname.”
James snorted. “And Lilyflower is the best you’ve come up with so far? Wow, Pads, I’m so disappointed, it causes physical pain.”
“I’m open for suggestions but seeing as I’m the only one having thought of this dilemma, I doubt you buffoons will be any real help.”
“How about ‘Lilypie?’”
James flinched. “Absolutely not.”
“Ahh…” Sirius grimaced at Peter’s meagre attempt and clapped him on the back. “Next time, Wormy.”
James’ legs were aching when they finally reached Gryffindor Tower. After sheepishly smiling at the Fat Lady and Sirius switching into full-on Prince Charming mode, they managed to sweet-talk her into not making a ruckus, snuck up the stairs and into the dormitory. Peter pushed the door closed just as the sun peeked over the horizon.
Slowly, he made his way over to his bed and sank onto the mattress. He couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid as to give Lily the chance to really look at Prongs. It had been instinct to protect her from Moony, and nothing in the world would make him regret that split-second decision, but looking at her with a human gaze, letting her see the recognition in his eyes – hell, that he let her see his eyes in the first place… He raked his fingers through his hair and absent-mindedly registered Sirius and Peter talking in hushed voices.
She knew. The girl he was in love with knew that he was an unregistered animagus, and that one of his best friends was a werewolf. She knew.
She knew, she knew, and it was his fault!
What would Remus say when he found out? What would she say when he saw her in a few hours? Should he wait in the common room and see how she’d be behaving? Or would that be weird? He never waited for her in the mornings. They’d decided against that after their first kiss… So changing it now would just draw unwanted attention to his anxiety, and maybe there was a small chance that she hadn’t figured it out? Albeit a very small— Oh, who was he kidding? He’d seen the fear and confusion morph into shock and astonishment before he’d forced his legs to finally move.
So, he’d just walk down to breakfast and pray to the Muggle Gods and Merlin and Morgana and the Founders and whoever else was out there that Lily would act as if nothing had changed. And then he’d ask her out on a walk and explain everything to her. From the beginning. And with a special focus on how he hadn’t wanted to keep such an important part of himself from her but had done so anyway because it hadn’t been his secret to tell, and – oh Merlin – he just hoped that he hadn’t ruined everything that he’d had with her! Just by being stupid!
He groaned loudly and covered his face with his hands. He hated this. He hated this insecurity she still managed to manifest in him, although she literally hadn’t done anything wrong! It had all been him and him alone! One big shit show blowing up in his face, covering everything and everyone in stinky—
“Oi, Prongs!”
James blinked through his fingers up at Sirius, who was waving his hands in front of his face. His grey eyes looked almost silver in the morning sunlight, and their piercing gaze did nothing to calm his nerves.
“Breathe.”
Closing his eyes, he followed his brother’s advice – for once – and took a deep breath. His chest expanded before he pushed all of the air out in a loud whoosh. He looked up at Sirius, who grinned down at him triumphantly.
“All better?”
“No.”
“Well, worth a try.” Sirius shrugged and sauntered over to his bed, where he plopped down unceremoniously and started fiddling with the tassel that held back the curtains of his bed.
James watched him for a few silent seconds. “How can you be so calm?”
“Hm?” Sirius raised his eyebrows and pushed himself up onto his elbow.
“Lily just found out about us being unregistered animagi. She now knows about Remus and his furry problem. So, how can you be so calm and not panic?”
Sirius shrugged, a gesture that made him bounce up and down on his mattress. “There’s nothing we could do to change it except for using a memory charm, and although I’m open to that, I doubt you are. So, lest we corner and intimidate her into silence, all we can do is trust your word that she wouldn’t tell a soul and just accept it. Lily isn’t evil. Well, not all the time, anyway, and she is loyal to her friends. And thanks to our irresistible charm, we are a part of that group of friends now, so I think we’ll be just fine.”
“You thought about accosting and cursing her?”
“I literally just admitted that you’re dating an alright girl who is trustworthy, and all you hear is me wanting to corner her? That’s what you take away from what I just said, Prongsie? I think you need to sort through more than just this bit of anxiety, old friend, because this isn’t normal.”
James groaned loudly before rubbing his hands over his stiff neck. Running around for the entire night with a huge set of antlers stuck to his head really did a number on him every full moon. It was bad enough without having to push Moony back… He dug his fingers into his sore muscles and slowly got up.
“I’m gonna use the shower first, and then I need to make sure that I’ll get Lily alone somewhere. Not because of that!” he exclaimed loudly as Sirius started wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “You know what? You all can just bugger off.”
Mad cackling followed him before he slammed the bathroom door shut with a loud bang.
*~*Take Me Home*~*
When he arrived at the Great Hall, a headache had started. The loud chattering of the student body in the echoey hall only worsened the pounding as he tenderly lowered himself onto the wooden bench.
“You look a bit peaky.”
James blinked up at a pair of concerned green eyes, and his heart skipped a beat at the worry lines between her eyebrows. She looked… normal, for the lack of a better word. She didn’t look disappointed in or betrayed by him. A rush of relief so powerful that goosebumps jumped up on his skin flooded his body, and he was shaken by a slight shiver that he couldn’t suppress in time before Lily’s frown deepened.
“Are you alright?”
He nearly laughed at the worry in her voice. “Yeah, couldn’t be better.”
Sirius cleared his throat next to him and threw him a look as he reached over his place for the rack of toast, completely ignoring the one that stood right next to his own plate. Marlene noticed and raised a questioning eyebrow.
“Did you have a look at the notification board this morning?” Lily asked as she turned back to her cornflakes. James merely looked at her, so she continued with a slight smile on her lips. “The first Hogsmeade weekend of the year has been announced.”
James’ entire face lit up at that statement. “So, we're still on for that?”
Lily blushed and bit her lip. His eyes instantly zoned in on it. “We are,” she said softly before leaning forward and whispering, “but butterbeers are on me, Potter.”
James smirked and winked at her, causing her blush to darken. “There are a lot more things that I can get to spoil you that aren’t butterbeer, so be my guest.”
“Ugh, you’re disgustingly cute. Has anyone ever told you that?”
Lily just smiled innocently at Marlene’s comment before turning back to her cornflakes. James followed suit and reached for his goblet of orange juice, just as he felt something brush up his leg. He froze, eyes blazing at Lily, who was focused entirely on refilling her bowl. But before he could do more than allow his mind a few precious seconds of wandering off to dark broom closets and empty classrooms, he felt a cool gust of air whip over their heads as the post owls were let into the hall.
Just like every morning, a small barn owl carrying his Daily Prophet subscription landed in front of him and stuck out his leg for him to untie the newspaper and add the fee into the small pouch attached to its other leg. Just as he was about to get back to his breakfast, another owl ruffled his hair. This time, it was one he recognised.
James frowned as he watched his parents’ owl disappear into the feathery masses without accepting a nibble of his toast. An uneasy feeling crept up inside him, and he had to force his shaking hands to break the seal and pull out the parchment. His eyes were scanning the lines, widening the further he got.
Every pair of eyes looked at him and waited with bated breath for him to tell them what his father had written, but as James started reading the letter for the third time, Sirius spoke up.
“Is everything alright with Mum and Dad?”
“Huh?” James blinked up at Sirius, having forgotten that he was sitting in the middle of the Great Hall, and nodded absent-mindedly. “Yeah. Yeah, they’re alright.”
The group looked at him expectantly, and as he didn’t answer and continued to stare at the letter in his hand, Lily reached forward. Her warm fingers gently brushed over the back of his hand, drawing his attention to her. He could feel his eyes starting to tingle but couldn’t bring himself to care.
Alarmed, Lily asked, “Who?”
The others looked between the two of them, the humorous atmosphere long gone.
“Giddeon and Fabian.” His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. “They… The Order found them near where they were supposed to be on surveillance. There were signs of a fight, and Dad said they found traces of the Cruciatus Curse on both of their bodies.”
Lily’s hand, which was still holding onto his, started to tremble, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. Dorcas was silently crying, looking the most devastated James had ever seen her. Alice had her arm around her shaking shoulders, face drawn and pale. Marlene looked pissed.
“The bodies were still warm when they found them,” he mumbled, staring at the blurry names written on the parchment. “They only found them because of the Dark Mark in the sky.”
That was something Lord Voldemort and his followers had started doing – marking the locations of their murders. As a warning? As a sign of pride? For fun? Nobody knew, but James figured it was probably a twisted mixture of the three.
Sirius cursed colourfully next to him, earning himself a few reproachful glares from the fourth-year Gryffindors sitting next to him, whom he promptly flipped off.
“Did he mention anyone else?”
James turned to Alice, who was trying her best to keep her chin from wobbling. “I mean, did he say anything about other v-victims?”
He looked back at the letter and scanned through it one more time before shaking his head. “No,” he said, and held out the letter for her to take. “Why?”
Alice gently accepted the piece of parchment, eyes already flitting over the inked words. They all waited more or less patiently for her to finish reading, and once she was done, it was as if her body folded in on itself as something heavy lifted off her shoulders.
“Frank,” she whispered before handing the letter back to James. “He was assigned with them.”
Marlene and Sirius cursed simultaneously, and the group of fourth-year students huffed and got up to leave the Great Hall.
“Dad didn’t mention him.”
“That’s good news, though, isn’t it?” Peter chimed in, looking hopeful yet hesitant. “Wouldn’t that mean he got away?”
“It could also mean he’d been taken.” Sirius glowered at the piece of toast on his plate. The cherry marmalade had started to run off its edges, forming a sticky pool of dark red substance on the porcelain. “It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s safe.”
“How can we find out, then?” Peter looked from Sirius to James, and back. “Wouldn’t the Order know?”
“It could be classified information.” Everyone turned to Marlene, who was gripping her knife as if she was just waiting for someone to drive it into. “Admitting openly that an Order member had been abducted would be like admitting to the enemy that they were one step ahead.”
“T-The enemy?”
“Yes, Peter, the enemy.” Marlene glared fiercely at the blond, who flinched. “Voldemort and his followers are leading a war here, so we should address them as what they are – the enemy.”
“Isn’t that a bit—”
“A bit what?” Marlene turned her whole attention on Peter, who had started to tremble slightly. Neither James nor Sirius felt bad about it. “Harsh? Whose side are you on, Pettigrew? Ours or that of the Death Eaters?”
Silence followed that question, and none of the others had the nerve to intervene as they felt the tension rise to an almost unbearable degree.
Peter nervously looked from one friend to the next, wringing his hands. “I d-don’t know why you need to ask t-that, M-Marlene,” he stuttered before taking a deep breath and turning to the glaring witch. “I’m not a D-Death Eater, and you know that.”
Marlene’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “You didn’t exactly answer my question, Pettigrew.”
“Okay, that’s enough, Marlene,” Lily said loudly, and pushed her bowl of soggy cornflakes away from her. She’d apparently lost her appetite. Just like everybody else. “Turning on each other won’t make it so that Frank is safe and accounted for.”
“I agree.” Dorcas wiped the tears from her cheeks, only to have new ones fall. “Giddeon and Fabian are— they are—” A sob escaped her, and she slapped her hand in front of her mouth to smother it. “H-How are their parents?”
“I don’t know.” James sighed. He ran his fingers through his already very messy hair. “I think I’ll try and Floo Dad tonight. See whether I can find out more about what exactly happened.”
“Can Floo calls be tracked?” Lily asked.
“No, at least those going to and coming from warded fireplaces can’t be. And ours is wrapped in so many wards, you’d go cross-eyed if I started to list them.”
No one so much as smiled at this sad excuse of trying to lighten the mood. He shook his head. He couldn’t believe that a morning could go up in flames as quickly and spectacularly as this one just had. All he’d been worried about just an hour ago was finding out whether he’d just ruined his still fragile relationship with Lily, and now he—
Lily.
Right.
‘Focus on what you can save, not what is already lost,’ a quiet voice whispered in the back of his head.
He looked at the girl in question and found her already watching him. His lips twitched into a small smile and her eyes softened.
“Do you want to go on a walk before class?” she asked quietly as the others resumed their conversations about anything but Voldemort and murders. “I could use a few minutes to clear my head.”
It was easy to agree, and he felt relieved as they left the buzzing crowd of students behind them. They walked to the lake in silence. The wind had gotten rather chilly over the last few days, with Halloween rapidly approaching, and James silently cursed himself for not having brought his cloak to offer to Lily. The hand she snuck into his was cold to the touch, and he quickly cast a warming charm on both of them. The smile Lily gave him vanished the remaining chill that clung to his bones.
“I hope the sun will come out today.” They had reached the edge of the lake and were now leisurely strolling along it. “I just love it when it’s sunny in autumn. It makes the trees glow.”
James swallowed and blinked up at the cloudy sky before pulling Lily to an abrupt stop.
“I’m sorry.”
Lily blinked up at him, taken off guard. “Sorry? What for?”
James stared at her incredulously. “For lying to you. For not trusting you enough to be truthful with you. For—”
“If you’re talking about you being an unregistered animagus and Remus a werewolf, then you have nothing to apologise for.”
Now it was James’ turn to blink. “What?”
“James.” Lily took his face into her hands and looked him in the eye. His heartbeat picked up speed. “I understand why you didn’t tell me, and I don’t hold that against you. It wasn’t your secret to tell, I know it wasn’t. You could have gotten Remus to turn around yesterday and join them as soon as he made his way back into the forest, but you stayed. You allowed me to see you and to put the pieces together myself. That isn’t lying, love. That’s what trust looks like. You trusted me to figure it out without you having to break your promise, and you trusted me to keep the secret myself. And I’m thankful for that. Thank you for giving me the chance to see you for who you really are – all of you. And I couldn’t be prouder.”
He didn’t know when he’d stopped breathing, but as he opened his mouth to ask her whether she was sure, all that came out was, “What did you just call me?”
Lily blinked. “What?”
“What did you just call me?”
“What did I—” Her eyes widened and the blush that usually took its sweet time to sneak up her chest and neck before it touched her cheeks bloomed in an instant. Her face turned beet-red, making her look like the most adorable tomato he had ever seen. “Oh, erm. I—”
His stomach did a flip and refused to settle as he watched the girl he was in love with completely unravel in front of him while trying to talk herself out of her slip.
James watched her silently, his grin getting bigger the more she stuttered, before he decided to have mercy on her. He took both of her wildly gesturing hands in his, gently pulled her towards him, and leaned forward. She stopped rambling as soon as his lips touched hers, and a comfortable warmth flooded him. Her lips were so soft, moulding perfectly against his, and as he felt her hands cradle his cheeks, he almost melted into a puddle. Merlin, he loved kissing her.
“It’s okay,” he whispered against her lips after a few blissful seconds of just kissing this perfect girl. “We don’t need to say it yet.”
Lily sighed and leaned against his chest. His arms wrapped securely around her back, and he was content to just stay here and hold her until a particularly nasty gust of wind picked up her red mane and blew it straight into his face.
He jerked back, sputtering, and Lily burst into laughter.
“Sorry about that.” Snickering, she pushed her hair back and grinned up at him. “You look handsome with ginger hair, but I prefer your black mop.”
“Lucky me because Sirius would take the mick out of me and I don’t think I’d survive that.”
Lily threw her head back and laughed. It was almost surreal, and James felt lightheaded with the range of emotions that he had experienced within the last half hour. One moment, all he could feel was anxiety and insecurity, then utter relief, shortly after being blown away by a deep devastation and realisation that none of them were safe, followed again by relief, love, and pure joy. His eyes trailed over her exposed throat, mesmerised that he could see freckles that he hadn’t noticed before, but before he had the chance to start counting them, she looked up at him with a bright smile on her stunning face.
A soft chuckle escaped her. “Want to continue our walk?”
He smiled softly and reached for her hand. They walked side by side in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying the brisk autumn air and quiet start of the day, before something nagged at the back of his mind.
James hesitated and glanced sideways at Lily. She was gazing over the lake, eyes trailing over the tree line, seemingly content to just remain silent for a while longer, as the all-too-familiar feeling of guilt threatened to crush down on him. He took a deep breath and felt the tell-tale stiff crinkling of parchment against his belly, where the Marauder’s Map was sitting innocently inside the inner pocket of his school robes.
“Lily?” She turned back towards him, her expression open and curious. “I have kept more from you than just the animagus and werewolf thing.”
Something that looked horribly like hurt flashed in her eyes before they became guarded. His stomach sank, and he couldn’t help but tighten his hold on her hand, lest she let go and leave him in the cold. Or entirely. Lily forced a smile, waiting more or less patiently for him to continue, but all of a sudden, he didn’t know where to start.
‘Just start anywhere, you bloody idiot, or you’ll lose her, and it’ll be entirely your own bloody fault!’
James gritted his teeth before letting go of her hand and reaching into his robes.
“Before we managed becoming animagi,” he hesitantly started, and slowly pulled out the map of Hogwarts that he had spent hours slaving over, “we put our brains to pulling pranks. As you know.”
Lily scoffed, and James winced. “Alright, we didn’t stop doing that after we turned, but… What I wanted to say was that—” He huffed, not knowing how to explain. “Oh, I’m just going to show you.” He swiftly pulled out his wand and pointed it at the blank piece of parchment in his hand. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”
Thin, spider-silk-like lines of ink spread outwards from the point where his wand had touched the parchment. They twisted and turned, got thicker in places and vanished completely in others, until the outlines of the blueprint of Hogwarts and its grounds were mapped onto the paper in his hands.
He looked at Lily, unsure of what her reaction might be, and was surprised to see her eyes widen and the sparkle he loved so much return to them.
“Wha— Is that— Is— Did you—” Lily gaped at the Marauder’s Map, fingers itching to reach forward, and James allowed himself to relax and laugh as he handed the map over for her to inspect.
“This is the entirety of Hogwarts and its surrounding grounds,” he said softly as he watched her flip over sections and pull the entire thing so close to her face that she almost went cross-eyed. “Here, you can just—” He tapped the map twice, and Lily watched in utter fascination as the image of the broom closet she had just stared at blew up and zoomed in.
“This is insane,” she managed to say before blinking at the now big and prominent blueprint of a broom closet. With— “Are those footprints? And…” She gasped loudly. “Is that Sirius with that one Ravenclaw he kept going on about in that broom closet, making out?!”
James burst out laughing at her astonished exclamation. “Yep. Can’t have any secrets around here.”
“This is incredible!”
“Thank you.”
“And you made it all by yourself?” Lily stared at him, eyes wide and mouth open.
“Yeah. Took us the better part of two years to get the spells to work, and we’re still working on it whenever we find a new passageway. There’s an issue with the projection spell. Its whole purpose is to paste the footprints of every inhabitant of the school onto the parchment, and it acts up from time to time. It usually happens once every few months or so that footprints just vanish or walk straight through a wall and onto another section of the map. We haven’t figured out what the issue is yet.”
Lily hummed, lost in thought, as her eyes followed someone named Logan Williams walk into the third-floor bathroom.
“Have you tried Appare Vestigium?”
James blinked at her, dumbfounded. “But isn’t that to detect traces of magic?”
“Yes, but every witch and wizard carries magic, so they leave behind traces of it on their surroundings. At least theoretically. So, why not combine that with some sort of sealant charm to set it and a stamina one to keep it going?”
James stared at the girl in front of him, who was still holding his second-most prized possession. “That—” He shook his head and watched as Logan Williams missed the door and walked straight through the wall. “That is incredible. You are incredible! How come I haven’t thought of that before?”
Lily laughed joyfully and handed him the map. “Glad I could help.”
“Do you think Avenseguim would work as well?” he asked, eager to hear her opinion.
“Well, it could be worth a try, I guess. But that spell’s meant to follow something magical physically rather than track it. So it could result in your map trying to follow every student in Hogwarts.” James winced. “I wouldn’t be surprised if that would rip it apart.”
“Yeah… Haven’t thought of that.”
Lily smiled at him as she slowly made her way back to the castle. “So, will you show me sometime? How you transform, I mean,” she added at James’ questioning gaze.
His heart skipped a beat at that question. “If you want me to.”
She turned to him fully, eyes serious as she said, “Of course I want you to. I want to know everything about you. Every part of you that stayed hidden until now. I want to see it all.”
He couldn’t believe how lucky he was. As he watched this wonderful woman stride to the castle, all confident and calm, he didn’t know what he did right in the past to deserve this moment, this present. No matter what was happening in the world right now, he swore to himself that he would always try to find these moments of joy amongst all of the darkness that threatened to surround them.
They needed something to fight for, a reason to keep going, and as he followed Lily back into the Entrance Hall, eyes trained on her beautiful red hair, he knew that he had already found it.
His reason to fight.