Chapter Text
!! Admirals sans Cap !!
Vaughan: Well…okay?
Jalo: I guess that that's good?
Brisebois: Am I the only one that feels like shit for him?
Anderson: Yeah…we basically forced him to come out.
Brisebois: Not even that. The whole thing with his relationship?
Brisebois: Fucking sucks.
Brisebois: I keep thinking if we could help.
Gillis: You wanna single-handedly tackle the Russian government?
Brisebois: No you fuck face.
Brisebois: But we could tell him that he can tell us who the guy is.
Cameron: Fuck, that's a good idea.
Vaughan: Who could it even be that it's that bad?
Jalo: Maybe it's another hockey player?
Jalo: A Russian one?
Anderson: Shiittt
Gillis: Holy fuck.
Cameron: Whoever it is. He can tell us.
Vaughan: Hell yeah.
He owes it to Scott.
Shane knows that he could have said something about his sexuality — and God knows that it would have saved him a catastrophic panic attack — but it was new. And he doesn't really want the guys to start ribbing him about getting a boyfriend. And he really doesn't want something to leak to the press.
All the interventions in the world to make sure he isn't homophobic are worth that. Because their secret getting out without it being their own choice? He doesn't know how he would handle that — though every time he came out until now was forced, he wonders if he will ever get to come ut on his own terms.
This time, though, it's involuntarily again. Because he's stood outside Scott Hunter's hotel door, like some puppy kicked on the side of the road.
And he also wonders if Scott maybe knows already, because if it's really that obvious, he would have said something, right? At least he hopes that Scott would stand up for himself if someone on the team was as homophobic as they thought he was — though he also knows that he wouldn't stand up for himself.
And it's not that Shane is homophobic — he doesn't even know if he has the capability of being homophobic — but there's something in him that tells him that it's a secret. And that it shouldn't be out,
That no one should know.
He still knocks on the door, because he owes it to Scott, and he has to get fucking better at speaking to Kip because if Scott hasn't noticed, Kip probably has.
It's the All-Stars right now, and were he to turn around to go back to his hotel room, he'd see an Ilya laying on his bed. In all truth, it was Ilya who talked him to do it. Because who would be scared to come out to their gay teammate? Scott isn't even the captain anymore! Though Shane thinks there might be alternative motives there.
The Intervention-TM was already too long ago. And he'd done some things to show that he's not homophobic — he went to the King Fisher, though he looked like a dry fish on land there — pun intended — and he showered with Scott more often than not after games.
He has no idea if Scott noticed any of those things.
He still knocks, because when he leaves this hallway he can go back to Ilya. And all will be fucking well again.
Scott opens the door, and so Shane stands there awkwardly as he looks through the open door. The bed is messy, their suitcases are laying on the floor because—
Fuck.
Kip is here, well, of course he is, but he didn't think about that—
"Come in, you look like you've seen a ghost." Shane enters the room until he stands in the middle like a maypole waiting to be wrapped with ribbons.
"What's wrong, Rook? Or, well, Cap, I guess." Scott asks patiently, and Shane sees a worried look conveyed from Kip to Scott.
"A few months ago, like, right before Christmas, a few of the guys had an intervention with me." Shane explains, and he sees the gears turning in Scott's head as he sits down on the bed, next to Kip, on the opposite from where Shane is standing.
"I just wanted to say sorry, I didn't even realise that I was doing it, that I was seeming homophobic, because I'm not." He lets out a heavy breath.
Kip is now sitting up straight, like he's glad that Shane is actually addressing it. Like he's noticed, he probably has — because of the way Shane fucking stared him down every time they were in the same room. Or every time Scott talked about him.
"Oh yeah, a hockey guy says he's not homophobic, how believable." Kip says, sarcastically.
Shane flinches and doesn't see the pointed look Scott gives Kip.
"I'm gay."
Shane breathes.
In.
And out.
"And, I know it's not fair to you, but I was jealous, because if me and my boyfriend ever come out I'm not sure if there will be any positive reactions."
Scott looks at him, like he's debating how to handle this, like he's still the captain. Which he mostly still is. Shane doesn't know why he became the Captain except for the good hockey he plays. It was probably the homophobia in the league and management, though.
It's like he's assessing Shane before he speaks. And it's not helping the worry bubble up in his stomach threatening to spill out.
"I didn't think you were homophobic," Shane looks up at that, and blinks.
He blinks so hard that his eyes dry.
"It's why I was Captain in the first place, I saw that there was something different going on. Something deeper than 'just' homophobia. I noticed." He explains.
"That's why I didn't say anything. Hell, Kip pointed you out to me, that you were awkward as fuck meeting him. But I saw, I knew that it wasn't just that."
"And it's also why I know now that it's not just you being gay." He says finally, and Shane can see Kip's eyebrows raise to the roof of his head as his mouth slightly hangs open and he turns his head to Scott.
It would have made Shane laugh if he wasn't where he is right now.
For a small moment, everyone is silent. The awkward kind, where people are grasping for what to say next, or at least Shane is.
Then, Shane's phone dings.
He got shook out of the silence by the silent buzz of his phone in his back pocket. He grabs his phone to be welcomed by a message from Ilya. The familiar name of Lily rested on his phone screen, he smiles automatically.
Pleaseee come back.
Hollander.
I am lonely.
And I want your cock ;)
Leave Old Man Hunter and his boyfriend alone.
He's still smiling, and this smile is worth more than the smile he smiled when he hoisted the cup over his head for the third time. Because this smile belongs to someone, and this smile he only smiles when thinking about Ilya.
Ilya who is terribly close right now.
"I take that that's your boyfriend?" Kip asks, breaking the silence, and Shane can only just nod. Because he still has no idea where this conversation is going.
"I don't know why this was such a big deal, I guess I'm just scared of telling people. But I just wanted to tell you, because I owe it to you to not be an asshole." Because it was the truth.
Well, he didn't owe it to Scott to come out, he knows that. But he does owe it to Scott to be a decent human being. And for Scott to know that he doesn't look at him with disgust, but with envy. And that he's silently so proud of him even though he can't get the word past his throat.
And it's not just pride he feels for Scott, it's happiness, and gratefulness — that he doesn't have to be the first; that he and Ilya don't have to be the first.
And it's also envy, because he wants that, he wants to love Ilya in public. But he wont allow himself it, and that's why he loathes himself. Because he's pretty sure Ilya wants to come out, but it's him stopping them. And slowing them down.
Because even though they can and want to, that doesn't mean that they should. And sometimes, when Shane is laying in bed, alone at night. He wonders if he should, it they should. Just so he has Ilya, so he always has Ilya.
"You don't owe me anything." Scott just simply says and— why does he always know what to say and how to react. Because responding might take even longer now.
"No, I know that. But I felt shitty. And the guys kept pointing things out, and I was just sitting there thinking of a way to prove I wasn't being homophobic without coming out. So I did." He explains, and hopes sincerely that that might be enough.
"May I ask why you can't come out— apart from the obvious, of course." Kip chips in. Shane looks at him for a second before quietly shaking his head.
"No, sorry, it's too complicated. I'm sure we'll tell everyone one day, but definitely not yet, thank you though." He smiles.
Ilya very pointedly did not ask Shane about it yet. For two reasons, the first being that he knew his boyfriend and that prying would only make him more uncomfortable, and he knew that Shane would tell him about it eventually. The second being that Ilya immediately fucked him through the mattress when he came back so they haven't even gotten the chance to talk yet.
Now, though, Shane is going to talk about it. He can see it by the way he's nervously twirling a curl on Ilya's head and by the way he looks focussed, as if he's trying to pick which words would be best.
"He was fine with it, of course he was," Ilya can practically already hear the 'but' coming. "But I don't know if I am." He says.
And Ilya's honestly a little bit confused by what he means because he's not sure what Shane wouldn't be fine with. He can already feel his head starting to spin, but then a hand gets pressed against his neck and he breathes. Shane's hands return to his head where it's laying on his chest
He lets Shane breathe for a second, to let him find his words, to let him calm down for a bit, while pressing a small kiss to his chest.
"I just- I know you want to come out Ilya, and don't even bother to disagree, and I know it's me holding us back. I don't know why I'm so fucking scared."
Ilya takes it in for a second, simply breathing.
Shane is— well, yeah, Shane is right Ilya does want to come out. He's already given the ability to never to back to Russia up mentally and he doesn't really care what the league thinks, but he knows that that's not what's going on in Shane's head right now.
He also knows that Shane probably never came to terms with his own sexuality properly, but some things he doesn't tell Shane. Simply because he knows that they'll only be a burden, and that those things can't be solved immediately. Like last week, when he couldn't get himself out of bed and grabbing his phone was an achievement, and now, he's not saying anything about how Shane should get help about this.
So, he refrains, for Shane's sake.
"Yes, but I know you don't want to, but New York would be okay, Ottawa maybe also, I have not talked to them. But I do not care, I am captain, they listen to me." He explains, and he can't see Shane's face right now but he's sure there's an angry scowl growing between his brows right now,
"You should care, Ilya."
"But I don't. If they — what is word? — if they cast me out I don't care, then it's their issue, and I will join you at New York and we'll live a fairytale." Shane does laugh a bit at that, luckily, Ilya thinks.
Shane sucks in a heavy breath and Ilya turns his head to the other side, now looking at Shane. Seeing the look of pure fear conveyed in his eyes. Now, Ilya was always pretty good at reading Shane — not that it was hard, his feelings are basically always written on his face in black sharpie — but the painting of his emotions crossing his face right now might make him cry.
His eyes are slightly red rimmed, his lip slightly trembling and Ilya knows that the way his skin has paled is an indication of fear. One he learned when next door to Scott; one he learned when David had caught them.
But all of those situations had turned out okay, and Ilya just wants to kiss Shane to make this also turn out okay, to turn out perfect in the perfect way he has written out inside his head.
"I just— I could tell them, I just don't know how or why or when and I'm just—" Ilya stops him, because he can't have Shane panic even further than he is now.
"Shane. You do not have to tell them, but if you want to you can." He says, kissing Shane's chin lightly.
"I know, I think I know what to do, but I don't know if it's a good idea or if I'm— I just don't know."
Ilya can practically feel Shane thinking and the gears turning in his head.
"Tell me."