Chapter Text
“Illyana, we need to talk.”
Kitty grimaced, nails clawing into her palm.
“I’m sorry for how I reacted, when you confessed. How I acted like it didn't matter and that it was better if we just ignored it. Ignored you.”
She closed her eyes tight.
“I… I didn't want to dwell on it because the way your confession, your feelings, made me react, I wasn't sure what I was feeling and it scared me, so I pushed it all away. In doing so, I pushed you away as well.”
She felt herself ready to choke on the next words.
“The truth is, Illyana… the truth is I–”
She choked. Her mouth hung open, nothing but a tiny, irritated squeak escaping.
Golden eyes stared at her unamused. Lockheed yawned, crawling off of Kitty's bed to find something alive to chase.
Kitty groaned, flopping back into her bed. How was she going to tell Illyana she loved her if she couldn't even say the words out loud to herself.
And she had the gall to judge Illyana for being unable to say them willingly.
It had only been an hour since she had returned from Ororo's tutoring. An hour since the fluttering in her heart turned to thought and words and she could finally articulate her true feelings towards Illyana's feelings.
The truth was that they were the same.
She loved Illyana just as Illyana loved her.
It was embarrassing, after all the fuss, all the attempts to run from it. It still caught up to her.
And now she was left with a new conundrum. How to confess to Illyana.
Confessing felt hypocritical almost. Obviously, the fact they both liked each other was a good thing but would Illyana even want to hear her out after how Kitty treated the poor girl?
Treated her feelings like they were apocalyptic.
No, she shouldn't confess yet. That needed to wait, maybe… honestly she might never. Illyana deserved a chance to fall in love with someone else, someone who wouldn't self-destruct when she realized she reciprocated those feelings.
But not confessing didn't mean she wasn't going to say something. Talk to Illyana about her feelings, acknowledge them properly, apologize, and hopefully start patching up their friendship.
“It’s for the best,” Kitty reminded herself, sitting back up in her bed. Illyana could fall in love again. Kitty could too, though now that she was in love with Illyana, the idea of anyone else being her heart's desire was sour on her mind. Made her veins freeze up.
She had only had this revelation an hour ago, finally deciphering her rushing blood and thundering heart. Going back to before felt unfathomable.
But going forward, telling Illyana and trying to make something of their feelings. That was terrifying, equally unfathomable.
What if they got together and Kitty ruined everything between them? Love was a wild and fierce power, one that could snap the tethers of their friendship that had already been strained by Kitty's ignorance.
She needed to restrain herself, as Illyana once did.
Illyana mattered to her, more than she ever realized, and she couldn't lose her.
Even if it meant suffocating her heart–
The door clicked open.
Kitty spun around to see Illyana swing the door open without a care. Until she locked eyes with Kitty. Her demeanor changed, going from tired and lax to bolting upright. Like her body was a string pulled taut.
She nodded with a tiny smile and made her way to her own bed wordlessly.
She was still executing her plan of space and silence. One Kitty had planned on torching, whether she confessed her feelings or not.
“We need to talk,” she spoke less directly to Illyana and more to the dead air of the room. Illyana went still, only a step from her bed. Her eyes were darting over the room, perhaps she was wondering if it'd be better to escape through a portal.
“‘Yana.” Kitty kept her voice low, hoping her words to be received as an olive branch over confrontation.
“We agreed to give each other space.”
“I never agreed to that,” Kitty corrected. “You said that and then ran away.”
“Well, I–”
“Illyana.” Kitty remained collected as Illyana spun back on her, fangs bared and eyes narrowed. Kitty didn't return the anger, which led to Illyana softening. Illyana sighed and Kitty kept a giggle at the back of her throat.
She gestured to her bed, a space to sit.
Illyana took it, plopping down next to Kitty. While Kitty remained criss-crossed, Illyana kept her feet planted to the ground as she sat, like she was still getting ready to make a quick exit.
Kitty would have to be quick to give her a reason to stay.
“I'm sorry.”
“For?”
“Don't play dumb, you were right to call me out in the first place.” Kitty shook her head. “I'm sorry for how I handled you telling me you loved me. I wasn't being fair, I was being dismissive and cold. I hurt you, Illyana. I'm so sorry.”
She could feel her eyes begin to wet. Like she had any right to cry. She turned away and bit her lip.
“Katya, it's okay.”
“It's not, I almost wrecked our friendship because I couldn't get a hold of myself. So I'm sorry, for ignoring you.”
Suddenly, there was contact around her hand. Kitty looked down to see Illyana’s hand around her own. She looked back up to see Illyana was closer, leaning in. Her feet no longer flat on the floor but angled as she moved further up the bed.
“Katya, it's alright. Thank you, for apologizing.”
Illyana was smiling.
Oh how she missed that smile. It had only been a day since she'd seen it but a day was far too long to go without seeing Illyana’s lips curled upwards.
Kitty sniffled, smiling back.
“That's… I don't want to just apologize.”
Illyana tilted her head, lips pursed in confusion.
“You deserve a chance, to talk about it. Like you wanted to.”
Illyana startled, cheeks flushing pink.
“Uhm, you want to hear me talk about my crush on you?”
“I mean, just a little bit,” Kitty admitted, feeling a little pang of guilt in her chest because she'd get so much enjoyment out of this than Illyana would ever know. “I feel… I owe it to you. Talk about it like we should've, clear the air.”
Illyana nodded, which made Kitty hope her explanation was convincing.
“I'm gonna be honest, Katya, part of me thought you already knew. I wasn't exactly subtle about my feelings.”
“You weren't?”
“I mean, the amount of times I swore you caught me staring at you, I'd linger in your hugs for longer and longer each time. God, I think one time I was hugging you and I sniffed into your hair because it smelled amazing. I didn't think there was anyway you hadn't noticed that.”
Kitty had noticed, she remembered that incident clearly. She never minded it. At the time, she tried to pass it off as nothing, that maybe Illyana just really liked the conditioner Kitty used. But now, she knew she better. She remembered she had wanted to do the same as Illyana.
“I didn't,” she lied. “I… I'm sorry, again, for how I reacted but–”
“You don't need to keep apologizing, Katya.”
“Let me continue,” Kitty spoke sternly. “I reacted the way I did, I think, because I couldn't comprehend the idea that you would love me. Like that, at least.”
“It's not some big mystery as to why I fell for you. Katya, you've always been the nicest and sweetest person to me. You broke down my walls not by bulldozing them but by letting me see the sunlight I was blocking out with them,” Illyana looked down at their joined hands, smoothing a thumb over the back of Kitty's hand. “Can't forget to mention you're very pretty and I'm sure at least half of my team has had some sort of crush on you at some point.”
Kitty felt the blood up her neck warm significantly.
“But nobody has ever felt for you the way I do. I know that for certain.”
Her blood was boiling now.
Her heart was pounding like a ceaseless war drum.
Her brain– God she wondered if someone had slipped that A.I.M. truth serum into her drink at lunch because why was her mind insisting to she blurt out her true desire.
It was only three simple words.
She couldn't, she can't.
“Katya?”
Her focus was put back on the girl in front of her. Blue eyes flickering with concern.
“Are you sure you're comfortable hearing this?”
“Yes, I am,” she said swiftly, perhaps too quick that it wouldn't sound like truth.
Illyana smiled halfway, her thumb stopping it's back and forth pattern against Kitty's hand.
“Well, perhaps that's enough talk about feelings and crushes tonight.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Kitty agreed half-heartedly. “Thank you, ‘Yana, for giving us a chance to talk this through. Even if I didn't do the same for you at first.”
“It's alright, Katya. I'm happy we can still be friends, that we can move on from my feelings.”
Move on? Yes, that was the goal Kitty had in mind when she started this conversation.
But now… after hearing Illyana explain why she fell for Kitty… it made her think deeper about what parts of Illyana she had fallen for.
Her strength. She was so strong, probably the strongest person Kitty ever knew. Her mastery of magic at such a young age was remarkable, even if the skills were gained under such tragic circumstances.
But behind the strength was a gentle center, an unending kindness. A smile that always brightened Kitty's day. Hair that shone like gold and eyes that pierced Kitty's soul and knew every intimate detail of her spirit.
She loved Illyana. Every tiny part of her.
Could she really move on from that?
Illyana rose onto her feet, hand slipping from Kitty. The loss of her touch made Kitty shiver.
“Well, I don't know about you, but all this emotional talk is getting me hungry. Luckily, I heard Gambit is cooking dinner tonight.”
Illyana was heading towards the door. She was moving on. So quickly?
No, that couldn't be right, because Kitty was still stuck in the moment, stuck in the sound of her beating heart.
“Illyana, wait!” She hadn't meant to shout. Illyana spun back around, nearly tripping over herself.
“Katya?” Her voice was strained. Worry, shock, fear. “What is it?”
“I… there's one more thing. That I think we should do. You should do.”
“Yes?”
Illyana scanned her over, studying her. Cautious, perhaps wary that Kitty might be trying to go back on their newfound peace.
In a way, she was.
“I think… you should say it.”
“Say…?”
“What the truth serum made you say. Those exact words, but this time, of your own volition.”
Illyana's lips closed tight.
“Of course, if you don't want to, then don't, that's the whole point. But,” Kitty continued, watching every little move Illyana made. Preparing for her to run. “Maybe it'd be good to get it off your chest, if you finally say those words yourself. For yourself.”
Illyana didn't break eye contact with her, staying still, except for her mouth opening slightly.
“Alright then.”
“Really?”
“Yeah… it might be good to finally say it. Before I'd become paralyzed trying to say it out loud to myself, let alone you. But maybe now that I know rejection is certain, it's less scary to let those words leave my inner thoughts.”
Her smile was clearly meant to be comforting but instead it made Kitty's chest crack open. Illyana was preparing for the final nail, the final swing of the hammer to seal her hopes and desires shut tight in its coffin.
“Katya,”
She said her name, her nickname for Kitty, with such reverence. Like Kitty was the queen between them and not Illyana.
“I love you.”
Hearing those words again, this time with no fear in Illyana’s eyes, her mouth free of a muffling hand, made her heart beat faster than it ever had before. Like the wheels of a locomotive, relentless and flaming, about ready to slip off the rails.
She wondered if she was about to have a heart attack. Is this what a heart attack feels like?
While Kitty was trying to catch up to her heart once again, Illyana’s eyes closed. Her hands balled up into fists, her feet dug into the ground. Readying herself for the impact of Kitty’’s rejection.
That wasn’t what Kitty was planning to strike her with.
She was going to confess. No more aching hearts.
Except, the words weren’t leaving her mouth. Her lips refused to move, her tongue froze.
No, she couldn’t choke, not now.
Not when the girl she loved was standing before her, not after hearing Illyana act like loving Kitty was so simple and easy. Loving Illyana should be simple for her.
It was easy to love Illyana.
So that meant it had to be easy and simple to say exactly that.
“I love you too!” She gasped, all of her fear and doubt unclogging from her airway.
Illyana only nodded, sighing with her eyes still shut. Then her eyes popped open and her head shot up. Her mouth scrambled to say something but couldn’t, leaving her lips in an odd, crooked shape. Her shoulders tense, her hands flew wildly up.
“WHAT?!?” Illyana finally blurted out. She stomped forward, a mix of rage and disbelief swirling in her irises. “You didn’t just say that! You can’t have! Is this some sick joke?”
Kitty was wordless again, put off by Illyana’s anger. She shook her head in place of words, eyes not leaving Illyana’s. She watched the anger melt away, but the disbelief remained.
“You… after everything, why didn’t you–”
“I didn’t know,” Kitty murmured. “I only realized… when you told me you loved me, it felt like my whole body was lit on fire. My heart wouldn’t stop beating faster than my thoughts. But once my mind finally caught up to my heartbeat, I realized I felt that way because I loved you too. I’m sorry, Illyana, I’m so so sorry that I couldn’t figure it out sooner.”
Illyana blinked, looking Kitty up and down and then at her hands. Like she wasn’t sure what was happening was real.
“I hurt you because I couldn’t reconcile with my own confusing feelings. Oh, I don’t deserve you, ‘Yana. But I couldn’t go on lying, not after you said all those nice things about me. You deserve to know the truth, even if that means you’ll be upset with me agai–”
She was being crushed. No, she was being hugged. Illyana was embracing her, tightly, arms coiled around Kitty, her face digging into Kitty’s neck. Illyana was sobbing into her curls.
“Illyana?”
Illyana slipped back, still holding onto Kitty as she met her eyes. Tears were smeared across her cheeks. She was shaking.
“How could you ever think I’d be upset that you love me back?”
Kitty was stunned. Though only for a moment, as her hands found Illyana’s waist. Illyana stopped shaking under her touch.
“But… what about…”
“I don’t care. I thought you hated me for loving you and you were just– grappling with your own emotions. I could never be mad at you for going through the same turmoil I did when I realized I was falling for you.”
Illyana’s hand came up to Kitty’s cheek and her thumb wiped a tear Kitty hadn’t realized had fallen. She was crying and didn’t even notice, too distracted by Illyana’s embrace, the girl's own tear-filled eyes.
“Oh Katya, I love you so much.”
“I love you, Illyana,” Kitty returned the sentiment. “I'm sorry I didn't realize it soo–”
Illyana's other hand found a home along Kitty's other cheek, trapping Kitty's face within her hold.
“Do you want to keep apologizing to me all night or do you want to kiss me?”
“Kiss you,” Kitty blurted out, resulting in Illyana chuckling before surging forward to join their lips.
Illyana’s lips were a little chapped, but also warm. They made her feel warm, made her heart skip a beat. Made the blood in her veins flow fast and strong.
Made her feel more alive than she ever had before.
They parted and Kitty caught herself chasing after Illyana’s mouth. If Illyana had noticed, she didn't mention it. Instead, her brows raised as she looked up in deep thought, hands sliding down to rest on Kitty's shoulders.
“You know, I think I should write a thank you note.”
“What?” Kitty tilted her head, puzzled.
“To A.I.M.. If they hadn't jammed that truth serum in my neck, I'm not sure I'd have ever told you about my feelings. And you wouldn't have figured out your own.”
“Maybe let's not give any credit to the psychotic beekeepers,” Kitty scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief. Illyana pulled her in before she could further ridicule the idea, kissing her deeper than before.
They left again with deeper intakes of air before both fell into a fit of giggling and flushed cheeks.
“I love you. I love you, Katya,” Illyana repeated.
“I know, you've said that already.”
“And I'll keep saying it. Because it's my choice now to say it and I want to say it. It's the truth of my heart, the truest thing I've ever known.”
Kitty smiled into another kiss with her girl, her Illyana.
Her own heart's truth.