Chapter Text
Buck had a date. On Saturday. With Tommy. A man.
Sitting across from Tommy at the restaurant, Buck couldn’t help but fidget. He nervously played with his wine glass, shyly looking over the top of his menu at the other man. He felt Tommy brush his feet against his own, fighting the blush on his face.
“This is so good.” Buck smiled, gesturing to the basket of garlic bread on the table. They decided to split a pizza between them, and Buck even treated himself to a craft beer since it was a childfree night.
“Yeah,” Tommy agreed, sending him a warm smile, “I love this place.”
“Hey, uh, what time does the movie start?” Buck asked, “I want to call Theo to say goodnight. He’s hanging out with Christopher and Eddie tonight.”
“They have 18 screens. I figured we could decide what to watch when we get there?” Tommy offered, looking over at Buck with those too blue eyes. God, Buck didn’t know how he ever did without this.
“Okay,” Buck chuckled lightly, “Keeping our options open. I like it.”
Tommy grinned back at him with that 1000 watt smile.
Buck's gaze kept snagging on familiar faces that weren't actually familiar. Every time the restaurant door opened, his stomach jumped.
Not because he was ashamed.
Just because he hadn't figured out how to explain this yet.
Hadn't figured out how to explain Tommy.
"No one's looking at us, Evan."
Tommy's voice cut through Buck's spiraling thoughts so abruptly that he sloshed water onto the table.
"Shit."
Buck grabbed for his napkin.
Tommy laughed.
"Easy."
Buck could feel heat creeping up his neck.
"What?"
"We're just two guys having dinner."
Tommy nudged his foot against Buck's beneath the table.
"And if anybody is looking at us, they're probably wondering whether we're going to finish that garlic bread."
Buck glanced at the basket.
There were only two pieces left.
Tommy caught him looking.
"Don't."
"You don't know what I was thinking."
"You were absolutely thinking about taking the last piece."
Buck grinned despite himself.
"Maybe."
Tommy smiled back.
The expression settled warm and easy across his face, and Buck's stomach immediately did something stupid.
God.
This was a date.
A real date.
With Tommy.
Tommy, who kept looking at him like Buck was saying something fascinating even when he was talking nonsense.
Tommy, who kept brushing their feet together under the table.
Tommy, who somehow made Buck feel sixteen and thirty at the same time.
"You okay?"
Buck blinked.
"Huh?"
"You're staring."
Buck nearly choked.
"I was not."
Tommy's grin widened.
"You absolutely were."
Buck looked down at his beer.
"Okay, maybe a little."
Tommy's eyes softened.
The teasing faded.
"You know," he said quietly, "you don't have to look so nervous."
Buck laughed weakly.
"That's kind of my default setting."
"Not like this."
Buck's smile faltered.
Tommy was watching him too closely.
Seeing too much.
"We're in a pretty macho line of work," Tommy continued. "I get it. But you'd be surprised how accepting most people are."
Buck swallowed.
"Were you always...out?"
Tommy barked out a laugh.
"God, no."
Buck relaxed slightly.
"Really?"
"Definitely not under Gerard."
Tommy shook his head.
"They would've eaten me alive."
The humor faded from his expression.
"It wasn't until I transferred to Harbor that I stopped lying about who I was."
"Yeah, but I'm not lying."
The words came out too fast.
Tommy immediately held up his hands.
"I didn't say you were."
Buck looked away.
Because maybe he wasn't lying.
But he wasn't exactly telling the truth, either.
Not to Eddie.
Not to Maddie.
Not to anyone.
Hell, he barely understood it himself.
"This is my first date with a guy," Buck admitted.
Tommy's expression softened.
"And it's my first date since Theo."
"That's a lot."
Buck laughed.
"You have no idea."
Tommy studied him for a second.
Then smiled.
"You know what I think?"
"What?"
"I think it's me."
Buck stared.
"What?"
"The thing making you nervous."
Tommy winked.
Buck felt his entire face catch fire.
"Tommy!"
Buck nearly jumped out of his skin.
The familiar voice made him turn.
"Eddie?"
Eddie and Marisol stood beside the table.
Buck's stomach dropped instantly.
...
"Where are the kids?"
Eddie shrugged.
"I left them with Abuela and Pepa."
Buck froze.
"What?"
"I figured you wouldn't mind."
The blood drained from Buck's face.
Theo hated changes.
He'd cried for nearly twenty minutes when Buck dropped him off.
He'd finally settled after Christopher promised to show him his newest Lego set.
And now Eddie had moved him again.
Without asking.
Without calling.
Without even texting.
"You did that without asking me?"
Eddie blinked.
"Buck, it's not a big deal."
Buck stared at him.
Not a big deal?
Maybe it wasn't for Christopher.
Christopher knew Abuela.
Knew Pepa.
Theo didn't.
"No."
The word came out sharper than he intended.
"No, it is a big deal."
Eddie's expression tightened.
"Come on."
"No."
Buck stood abruptly.
"It's my kid, Eddie."
The restaurant suddenly felt too loud.
Too crowded.
Too hot.
"You don't get to decide where he goes."
"Buck."
"No."
Buck threw several twenties onto the table.
"You should've called."
Eddie looked stung.
Good.
Maybe he should.
Because Buck was terrified.
Because every day he felt like he was screwing this parenting thing up.
Because Theo depended on him.
Because he couldn't afford mistakes.
Not with his kid.
Not with anyone.
"Tommy," Buck said, not looking at him.
"I'm gonna have to rain check the movie."
Silence.
Then—
"Okay."
The hurt was almost impossible to hear.
But Buck heard it.
"Be safe getting home, Evan."
Buck finally looked up.
Tommy was trying to smile.
Trying.
Which somehow made it worse.
Because for the first time all night, Tommy looked uncertain.
Like he wasn't sure whether Buck was running toward his son—
or away from the date.
Buck looked away first.
…
“I left my date standing on the side of the street.” He told Maddie later that week, groaning as he threw himself on her couch. Theo and JeeYun were down for their naps in Jee’s room, snuggling together in Jee’s bed.
“Well that’s kind of rude.” Maddie told him, setting the laundry down next to him. She jostled him so he would help her fold, putting him to work even on his day off.
“I know.” Buck moaned, “But I was so mad at Eddie that I wasn’t thinking straight.”
“I think I would’ve been mad too.” Maddie said, “That’s like a huge violation of the Parent Play Book.”
“This was my first date since Theo.” Buck groaned again, folding the towels Maddie dropped on his lap.
“I know. Since Natalia, right?”
“SInce Natalia.” Buck confirmed, wincing at the reminder, “I’m not quite sure why I thought a death doula would work.”
“It was a weird time of your life.” Maddie shrugged.
“I think it still is.” Buck chuckled. “But I thought we were out of the way, but then Eddie and Marisol walk in. And you obviously know what happens next.”
“You freaked out on Eddie, yeah, I remember.” Maddie laughed.
“Not just that.” Buck shook his head, “But I made it seem like we were just hanging out. Like it wasn’t a date.”
“Oh my god, Buck, are you dating a married woman?” Maddie interjects, mouth agape.
“Who the date was, isn’t the issue.” Buck said, voice strained. “The point is, I lied to Eddie’s face and freaked out.”
“You’re doing a lot at once, Buck.” Maddie reached out, covering his hand with her own, “You’ve had Theo for what, three months? And now you’re stepping back into dating. It’s a lot, Buck. Maybe you’re not ready.”
“But I want to be ready.” Buck whined, “I want to be ready with him, but instead I just left him standing there.”
“I’m sorry, who did you leave?” Maddie quirked an eyebrow, brown doe eyes baring into Buck’s soul.
“My date.” Buck told her, wondering what she was getting at.
“Can we go back to the pronoun?” She asked, this time both eyebrows were raised.
“That’s not the point, Maddie.” Buck tried to deflect. “Yeah, I was on a date with a guy, Maddie, it’s not a big deal.”
“Um, it is kind of a big deal,” Maddie teased him, “It could very much be the point.”
“But it shouldn’t be though, right? I mean, I’m an ally-”
“And now you’re a little bit more than an ally.”
“It was my first time. It was dinner and a movie, and I screwed it up.” Buck deflated, pitching forward to put his head against the cold marble of Maddie’s kitchen island.
“You didn’t screw up.” Maddie rolled her eyes, “You’re still a new parent. You kind of got thrown into this. You didn’t get the two years of practice Chim and I got. Hell, you didn’t get the four years away that Eddie knew about Christopher but was deployed. Just, wow.”
“Why wow?” Buck asked.
“I just didn’t think that’s where your interests would lie.” Maddie shrugged again.
“I didn’t either! I mean, I love women.” Buck told her.
“How long have you been leaning in the other direction?” She asked.
“I haven’t! Well, not specifically. Sure I check out a hot guy’s ass, but who doesn’t?” Buck said, “But I feel like we’re getting off topic. I messed things up with Tommy.”
“Tommy?” Maddie’s eyebrow might as well have left her forehead, “The same Tommy you and Eddie have been fighting over?”
“We’re not fighting over him.” This time, Buck rolled his eyes, “But yes, that Tommy.”
Maddie smiled, catching Buck off guard, “Tell me more about the hot pilot.”
…
Eddie’s phone dinged with a text, “It’s Marisol again.”
Buck looked down at his own, which was vacant of any text. He had been waiting for Tommy to reach out to him, but it seems like the other wasn’t going to. “She wants to know what I want for dinner. What do I tell her?”
“Uh,” Buck hummed, searching through the fridge for a drink. It was filled with juice boxes and milk, but nothing for an adult. “Sushi?”
Eddie pursed his lips, getting that pissy look on his face again, “It’s not the menu that’s the problem. She’s expecting me to come home.”
“Which you do need to do.” Buck pointed out, “My couch is already taken by one little fugitive.”
“Do I?” Eddie joked, pointing a single finger at Buck.
“Well, yes, you live there.” Buck said, “And so does your son.”
“I’m gonna have to break up with her.” Eddie said, setting his head in his hands, “You and Tommy have the right idea. Just stay single. Hang out with the bros.”
Buck’s gaze dropped, trying to make a split second decision as his thoughts weighed on him.
"It was a date."
The words slipped out before Buck could second-guess them.
Eddie blinked.
"What?"
"When you and Marisol ran into us." Buck swallowed. "Me and Tommy. We were on a date."
For a second, Eddie just stared at him.
Then his eyebrows shot up.
"Wait."
Buck groaned.
"Yeah."
"Tommy's gay?"
Buck barked out a laugh despite himself.
"That's your takeaway?"
"I mean, I already knew you were into him."
Buck nearly choked.
"You did not."
"Buck." Eddie gave him a look. "You got jealous because he played basketball with me."
"That is not—"
"You picked a fight with me."
"Okay, maybe a little."
"A little?"
Buck rolled his eyes.
"A lot."
Eddie snorted.
"Yeah. I figured something was going on."
Buck's shoulders loosened slightly.
"You okay with it?"
Eddie's expression softened immediately.
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know."
"Because you're dating a guy?"
Buck looked away.
"Maybe."
"Buck."
The single word carried enough exasperated affection to make Buck look back up.
"This changes exactly nothing."
"Nothing?"
"Nothing." Eddie squeezed his shoulder. "You're still annoying. You still steal food out of my fridge. Christopher still likes you more than me some days."
Buck laughed.
"And Tommy?"
Eddie shrugged.
"What about him?"
"What if I screwed it up?"
Now Eddie looked genuinely confused.
"You went on one date."
"I left him standing on the sidewalk."
"Okay, that part wasn't great."
Buck groaned.
"But if Tommy's half as smart as you seem to think he is, he'll understand."
Buck looked down at his hands.
"I can't stop thinking about him."
Eddie smiled.
"Yeah. That's usually a sign."
"A sign of what?"
"That maybe you should stop talking to me and call the guy."
Buck huffed out a laugh. "What if he says no?"
Eddie didn't hesitate. "Then he's an idiot."
Buck looked up.
Eddie pointed at him.
"And for the record, the Buck I know doesn't quit before the game even starts."
"You really think I should call him?"
"I think you're going to drive everyone at the station insane if you don't."
…
"Daddy?"
Little hands tugged at Buck's sweatpants.
Buck startled awake on the couch, blinking against the glow of the television he'd forgotten to turn off.
"Theo?"
The toddler stood beside him, hair sticking up in every direction, clutching his stuffed monkey against his chest.
The monkey Tommy had brought over weeks ago.
"Go bed?" Theo asked sleepily.
Buck's chest softened immediately.
"Yeah, buddy."
He reached down and scooped Theo into his arms.
Theo settled against him with a content little sigh, curling into Buck's chest like he'd always belonged there.
Buck pressed a kiss into his curls as he carried him toward the bedroom.
"Sleepy boy."
Theo yawned dramatically.
"So sleepy."
"Mhm."
Tiny fingers twisted into the fabric of Buck's shirt.
"Tommy visit?"
Buck nearly missed a step.
For a moment, all he could do was stare at the wall ahead of him.
Theo asked about him almost every day.
Tommy funny.
Tommy fly helicopter.
Tommy visit?
Buck swallowed around the lump in his throat.
The worst part was that he didn't have an answer.
"I don't know, buddy."
Theo frowned.
The tiny expression looked heartbreakingly serious on his round face.
"Miss Tommy."
Buck's breath caught.
Theo hugged the stuffed monkey closer.
Buck closed his eyes for a second.
Yeah.
Me too.
"I know, buddy."
Theo rested his head on Buck's shoulder.
A minute later, his voice came again, softer this time.
"Tommy nice."
Buck laughed quietly despite himself.
"Yeah."
Tommy was nice.
Patient.
Funny.
Good with Theo.
Good with Christopher.
Good with Buck.
Or at least he had been.
"I hope we see him again."
Theo hummed sleepily.
By the time Buck laid him down in bed, the toddler was already half asleep.
Buck lingered for a moment after tucking him in.
Watching him breathe.
Watching the stuffed monkey tucked securely beneath one arm.
The monkey Tommy had won at a boardwalk game.
The monkey Theo refused to sleep without.
Buck stared at it for a long moment.
Then he pulled out his phone.
Tommy's number was still at the top of his recent calls.
His thumb hovered over the screen.
Maybe Eddie was right.
Maybe he owed Tommy a call.
…
Buck took entirely too long deciding what to wear.
Three shirts ended up discarded on his bed before he finally settled on the blue-and-white striped button-down. The second he pulled it on, Theo pointed at it from his spot on the floor.
"Match!"
Buck laughed despite the knot in his stomach.
"You wanna match?"
Theo nodded enthusiastically.
So now they were both wearing striped shirts.
Buck wasn't sure whether that made him look more put together or like a dad who had completely lost control of his life.
Probably the second one.
They arrived at the café fifteen minutes early.
Buck blamed traffic.
Theo had spent the entire drive kicking his feet and asking if Tommy would be there.
The patio was mostly empty, sunlight spilling across the metal tables. Buck claimed a table near the edge while Theo immediately climbed into his chair and began arranging his stuffed monkey and toy helicopter beside him.
Like honored dinner guests.
Buck returned from inside balancing two coffees and a chocolate milk.
Theo beamed.
"Milk!"
"Yep. The fancy kind."
Theo accepted this information with complete seriousness.
Buck sat down and immediately reached for the top button of his shirt.
Buttoned.
Unbuttoned.
Buttoned again.
Unbuttoned.
The coffee wasn't helping.
Neither was the waiting.
Across from him, Theo happily flew the toy helicopter around the monkey's head, providing his own sound effects.
Buck's knee bounced beneath the table.
What if Tommy didn't show?
What if he did?
What if Eddie was wrong?
What if Tommy looked at him and decided this whole thing was too complicated?
Theo suddenly looked up.
"Daddy?"
"Yeah, buddy?"
"Stop wiggling."
Buck blinked.
Then huffed out a laugh.
Across the table, Theo shook his head with all the solemn disappointment a toddler could muster before returning to his toys.
Buck took a long sip of coffee.
Maybe he was a little nervous.
Tommy appeared five minutes later.
Buck spotted him the second he stepped into the courtyard.
Jeans. Gray zip-up sweatshirt. Sunglasses pushed up into his hair.
Comfortably dressed.
Comfortably handsome.
Buck's stomach immediately tied itself into knots.
"See?" Theo announced from his chair.
Buck blinked.
"What?"
"Tommy."
Right.
Tommy.
The reason Buck had spent twenty minutes changing shirts.
Tommy's gaze landed on them.
A smile spread across his face.
Small at first.
Then wider.
Real.
Buck's chest squeezed.
"Hey," Buck greeted as Tommy approached the table.
"Hey."
Tommy pulled out the chair across from him.
Before he even sat down, Theo was already thrusting the stuffed monkey and toy helicopter into his hands.
Tommy laughed.
"Good morning to you too."
Theo giggled.
Tommy took the monkey and immediately made it swoop through the air.
"Captain Monkey reporting for duty."
Theo dissolved into delighted laughter.
Buck couldn't help smiling.
God.
He'd missed this.
Missed him.
"Thanks for agreeing to meet me."
Tommy finally settled into his chair.
"Of course."
His voice was gentle.
Careful.
Buck hated that.
Because he knew he'd put that caution there.
"I got you a coffee."
Buck immediately shoved the cup closer.
"I didn't know how you take it, so I guessed."
Tommy glanced down at the cup.
Took a sip.
Immediately grimaced.
Buck groaned.
"Oh no."
"It's terrible."
Buck dropped his face into his hands.
"Oh my god."
Theo laughed because Tommy laughed.
"Wow."
Buck peeked through his fingers.
"That bad?"
Tommy nodded solemnly.
"Truly awful."
Buck groaned louder.
"I've somehow made coffee worse."
"I didn't know that was possible."
Tommy pushed the cup aside.
"But I appreciate the thought."
The smile faded.
The nervousness came rushing back.
Buck clasped his hands together on the table.
"I need to apologize."
Tommy's expression softened immediately.
"Evan—"
"No."
Buck shook his head.
"Please let me say this."
Tommy sat back.
After a moment, he nodded.
Buck took a breath.
"The way I acted at dinner wasn't okay."
"Evan—"
"No."
Buck's voice cracked.
"I left you sitting there."
Tommy looked down.
Buck hated that more than anything.
"I was scared."
The admission came out quieter than he'd intended.
"I know."
"No, I don't think you do."
Tommy's eyes lifted back to his.
"I'd finally gotten used to being Theo's dad."
His laugh was shaky.
"Or at least I thought I had."
Theo was busy flying the helicopter across the table, blissfully unaware.
Buck swallowed.
"And then suddenly he wasn't where I thought he was."
Tommy listened silently.
"I panicked."
"I know you did."
Buck nodded.
"But I made it look like I was running away from you."
Something flickered across Tommy's face.
There.
That was it.
The thing they'd both been avoiding.
Tommy folded his hands together.
"A little."
The honesty stung.
Buck looked down.
"Yeah."
For a moment, neither of them spoke.
Finally Tommy sighed.
"When I said I didn't think you were ready..."
Buck flinched.
Tommy noticed immediately.
"Evan."
"No, it's okay."
Buck laughed weakly.
"It kind of wasn't."
Tommy's jaw tightened.
"I wasn't talking about Theo."
Buck looked up.
"I wasn't?"
"No."
Tommy leaned forward.
"The thing I saw that night wasn't a guy who loved his kid too much."
Buck stared at him.
"It was a guy who was terrified."
The words landed directly in Buck's chest.
"I was."
"I know."
Tommy's voice softened.
"And that's okay."
Buck swallowed.
"Then what wasn't okay?"
Tommy glanced between him and Theo.
Then back at Buck.
"You never gave me a chance to be on your side."
Silence.
Buck felt his heart crack a little.
Because Tommy was right.
"I didn't want to pressure you," Tommy said quietly.
Buck looked down at his hands.
"Still."
He shook his head.
"The way I acted wasn't exactly my proudest moment."
A corner of Tommy's mouth twitched.
"Noted."
Buck huffed out a laugh.
The tension in his shoulders loosened slightly.
Only slightly.
Because he hadn't actually said the important part yet.
Theo was busy making the stuffed monkey ride on top of the helicopter between them, blissfully unaware that Buck felt like his entire future was balanced on the edge of this conversation.
"The truth is..."
Buck stopped.
Tommy waited.
Patient as ever.
Buck took a deep breath.
"The truth is, I don't know what I'm ready for."
There.
The ugly part.
The honest part.
"I didn't exactly plan on becoming a dad overnight."
Tommy nodded.
"I know."
"And I definitely didn't plan on figuring out I liked men at thirty-two."
That earned a small laugh from Tommy.
Buck smiled weakly before looking back down at the table.
"I don't know what any of this is supposed to look like."
His fingers twisted together.
"I don't know how to date while being somebody's dad."
His voice softened.
"I don't know how to do this right."
For a second neither of them spoke.
Then Tommy reached across the table.
Not far.
Just enough for his fingers to brush against Buck's.
"You don't have to know."
Buck looked up.
Tommy's blue eyes were impossibly warm.
"You just have to show up."
Something in Buck's chest cracked wide open.
"I can do that."
Tommy smiled.
"Yeah. I think you can."
Buck swallowed.
"The thing is..."
His heart was pounding now.
"I don't know what I'm ready for."
Tommy's gaze never left his.
"But I know I'm ready for something."
He squeezed Tommy's fingers.
"And I really want that something to be you."
Silence.
Then:
"Tommy?"
Both men looked down.
Theo was hugging the stuffed monkey against his chest.
Sleepy eyes fixed on Tommy.
"You stay?"
Tommy's expression cracked.
Buck's breath caught.
Because suddenly it wasn't just about him anymore.
It hadn't been for a while.