Chapter Text
The apartment is quiet when she lets herself in the door, dropping her bag by the entrance as usual. The habitual soft dim lights coat the apartment in a warm haze that always has her exhaling when she enters. Tonight she’s holding her breath. Tonight she enters the space readying herself for a shift. Closing the door behind her, she walks further into the apartment.
When she looks toward the hallway, the bedroom door is ajar, light peeking through. She pauses for a moment, taking in a soft breath as if it might quench the anxious feeling in her chest. And despite that spike, she feels something like giddiness running through her. She can’t really explain why she feels so certain that it’s happening. She can’t explain why the moment she’d seen Yolanda’s face light up her screen, she’d known.
And if her brain pictures a child that is a mix of both of them, she swallows the want with renewed fervor and takes purposeful steps to the bedroom.
“Yolanda?” She calls out.
Yolanda opens the bedroom door and stands there, eyes a little wide. “Oh, thank fuck, you’re here.”
Trinity huffs out a tiny laugh, stepping even closer. “Yeah, I am.” Forever, she doesn’t say.
“I took another one. Just in case, I don’t fucking know.” She breathes out, anxiously. “I haven’t looked.”
She reaches for her wrist, enveloping it with her hand and then pulling her close. “Do you want me to look?” She murmurs, hand trailing up her arm. “Or we can do it together?”
“Together.” She says shakily. Then she sighs, shaking her head. “This is idiotic. It’s not like it’ll change the result. I took the other one, no problem and now I’m freaking out over this one.” Yolanda rambles, frustrated look on her face.
“Landa.” Trinity frowns and then grabs her face. “It doesn’t matter. You’re freaking out, I’m here to do it with you.”
And then Yolanda closes her eyes, leans forward and delicately pulls her close, forehead resting on hers. They stay like that for a beat longer and Trinity feels those seconds in her chest, Yolanda’s body so close to her. And the silence envelops them as though it knows what’s about to come.
When Yolanda’s eyes open, Trinity is already looking. Eyes flickering between her eyes and her lips. The air grows thick. And there’s a suspended moment between them. Stretching and filled with too many things to name. And when Yolanda pulls back for a second, a hand finding Trinity’s, she feels as though the words are locked in her throat, begging to be let out.
I love you. I’m in love with you. I want everything with you.
She leads her to the bathroom where two pregnancy tests sit on the counter facing down. Their hands hang interlaced between them. And they stare down at the two objects like they’re alien and contain the secrets of the universe. And they just might.
“I do one, you do the other?” Trinity speaks in a soft airy voice.
“If it’s positive…” She trails off and squeezes her hand.
“I know.” She whispers.
It’ll change the whole world. It’ll change our lives.
A beat.
A breath.
A moment.
A whole chasm of a before and an after.
The world shifting on its axis.
And then a sharp intake of breath.
“Holy shit.” Trinity breathes out.
“Trinity.” Yolanda chokes out. “Oh my god.”
And Trinity brings her into her arms, burying her face in her shoulder, pressing a kiss there as laughter starts shaking her body.
“Trin.” Yolanda laughs, but she’s crying, a little delirious.
“You’re pregnant.” Trinity gasps again. “You’re pregnant.” She repeats. And she pulls back to look down at her stomach. “There’s an actual baby in there.”
“We made a baby.” She blurts out and then sniffles. And then her eyes widen and she laughs. “You know what I mean.”
And Trinity’s heart soars again and she grins so hard, she might break her own face. “Landa.”
“This is everything.”
Trinity hadn’t noticed the tears streaming down her face until Yolanda is wiping them away, hands delicate on her cheeks. “Landa, holy shit. I’m sorry. I’m crying I…”
She laughs again. “You’re perfect.” And she kisses her cheek. “Thank you.” And the other cheek. “Thank you.” And then her forehead. “Thank you.”
And the rest of the night is quieter than she’d imagined, but they lie together, wrapped up in each other and Trinity’s mind wanders. Trinity’s heart jumps and skips and thinks of how when she imagines her future the only certain thing is Yolanda.
And she thinks about how now there’s one more certainty.
•
She picks up Trinity in the early morning because her trusty (Trinity’s words, never Yolanda’s) Honda Civic is at the shop with a still unsolved problem Yolanda is betting will remain unresolved. The driver door is the only one still functioning. The trunk requires an attack before opening. It is, in Yolanda’s opinion, unsafe and probably illegal to still drive people around in that car. It worries her more than it should for Trinity to even drive the damned car.
But Trinity is stubborn. And not only that, she’s attached to the damned car. Attached in a borderline unhealthy way. She doesn’t know what event could possibly occur for Trinity to finally buy a new car but either way, the damned Honda is currently in the shop so when their schedules align, she takes her to work and back.
Or, well, at Trinity’s insistence, most days she makes Yolanda sit in the passenger seat and she’s the one who drives because as she’s said many times ‘you’re carrying precious cargo’. It would annoy her endlessly if it wasn’t for the genuinely adorable smile she gets when Yolanda lets her drive.
Ever since they’d found out, Trinity has doubled her efforts in making sure Yolanda is taken care of. In her nature as always.
It’d taken her a while to get used to getting taken care of. Yolanda had never been in that position, wasn’t used to it, didn’t know how to react but the minute they’d agreed to be friends and not let the complicated mess of their inability to be in a relationship ruin them, Trinity allowed herself to be the way she was with people she loved. And that meant she would give up anything to make sure they were safe. To be included in that list made Yolanda’s heart warm. And to feel it so completely nowadays makes her feel like she is doing something right.
When she parks the car in front of Trinity’s building, she waits two minutes before Trinity is walking quickly out of the building, hair still wet from her shower.
She steps out of the car and starts going around just as Trinity does the same, face doing that grumpy morning routine. It breaks a little when Yolanda kisses her head in greeting.
“Fuck mornings.” She mumbles, squeezing her hip.
“Morning to you, Trin.” She snorts.
“How did you sleep?” She asks. And Yolanda knows it isn’t a throwaway question and Trinity is actually asking to get an answer.
In fact, for the last month, Trinity had taken to asking questions and more or less expecting an actual truthful report. It’s a sweet thing really. She worries too much, obviously but Yolanda can admit that there’s a part of her that relishes the attention. That makes all of this feel like something she isn’t going through alone.
“Good.” Yolanda hums.
“Yeah?”
“I’ve been feeling a lot more tired. Kinda makes it quicker to fall asleep.” She shrugs.
Trinity nods. “I’m glad. Not that you’re tired but you know.” She smiles. And then, brings a thumb to her brow, like she often does, caressing her. “Shall we?”
“Yes, ma’am.” She mumbles.
They go around the car, each to their side. Trinity throws her bag onto the backseat and turns the key in the ignition. And they begin the drive to work in relative silence.
“I’m selling the Honda.” Trinity says after a few minutes, making Yolanda’s head snap towards her, eyes a little wide.
“You’re what?”
She shrugs, eyes staring at the road, blinking to overtake the car in front of them. “Yeah, the mechanic says he can fix it but I…I don’t know. I can’t exactly put a car seat back there when the door doesn’t even open. It’s impractical.” She muses and Yolanda freezes for a moment, eyes still on her face as she speaks. “Im gonna start looking into getting a new one. I’m gonna need a safe car to drive the kid around, right?.
It floors her. The way Trinity says every word as if it’s the most logical and simple decision. As if she isn’t saying she’s willing to sacrifice one of her most prized possessions because the car isn’t comfortable to drive her kid around. The way Trinity, without hesitation, will rewrite her own life to accommodate whatever comes.
“T…” Yolanda starts.
“And you hate the car. You panic every time I drive you around in it.” She says. “And I mean, it’s an investment, right? School runs and all of it, I’ll definitely need it.”
“The school runs in like four years time?” Yolanda can’t help but smirk at her, though her heart is jumping out of her chest.
“School runs. Park runs. Zoo runs. Any of it. All of it.” Trinity grins at her.
Yolanda huffs out a small laugh. “Okay.” She says. “So you’re selling the Honda.”
“I’m selling the Honda.” She confirms.
“You don't have to, right? You know that?”
Trinity snorts. “The Honda is falling apart. I love her, but she’s on her deathbed.”
“Yeah, but you’re attached.”
“I’m more attached to the child growing inside of you.” She says immediately, like it’s second nature.
And that’s what does it for Yolanda who, in a way she already hates, is more emotional than she’s ever been in her life. And simple sentimentality, even though there’s nothing simple about what Trinity is saying, gets to her more than she’d like to admit. And it’s so Trinity to go head in, full stop, no hesitation. Because here she is, again, offering more and Yolanda doesn’t know how to love her any less.
It’s the dumb sniffle that gives her away.
“Landa.” Trinity lets out a tiny sound that pulls at her heartstrings again. And her hand finds her knee, giving it a small squeeze.
“Shut the fuck up.” She says but comes weak and emotional and she hates it.
Trinity laughs softly looking at her. She's sweet and adorable and she loathes that she’s now considered cute by someone.
“Don’t look at me like I’m cute.” She grumbles.
“You are cute. You’re also terrifying. They can coexist. I promise you.” She says. “I’m looking at you like this because you’re my favorite person. And my favorite person is going to have a whole person of their own.”
“Look at the fucking road then.” Yolanda says, sniffling again and it all feels ridiculous.
Trinity laughs loudly, that genuine hearty laugh Yolanda has spent the better part of the past three years trying to elicit from her. She grabs onto her hand that still sat on her knee, her gaze staring ahead and just holds it.
“If it makes you feel any better, med students still fear you. Heard them gossiping by the nurses station.”
“That does make me feel better.”
“I knew it.” Trinity grins.
•
By what is week 7, Yolanda is nauseous in a way that makes morning sickness feel like false advertisement. She’s queasy during the day, nothing too drastic but enough to feel uncomfortable. She can still keep food down, most of the time.
This isn’t one of those times.
Trinity is rubbing her back as she is thrown over the toilet, vomiting their takeout dinner. Yolanda’s usual favorite Chinese place that apparently isn’t agreeing with the tiny fetus inside of her tonight.
“I hate that I can’t say you did this to me.” Yolanda groans, leaning back, sat on the floor. Trinity winces, a hand still on her back.
“I mean, you can in part I guess.” She says gently. “Technically still some part of me in there. I’ll allow moderate insults.”
“That’s fine.” She blows out a breath, smiling. And leans her head on Trinity’s shoulder. “Reward is at the end, right?”
“Mmmh.” Trinity offers a small smile. “It’s a blueberry right now.”
“What?”
“Or like any similar sized thing. Like a cooked chickpea.” She murmurs. “The baby.”
“How do you know that?”
“Well, I did go to med school.” She snorts. “But also I downloaded an app.”
“You have an app?”
“Yeah. Just to track things.” She shrugs, as if she isn’t being everything right now.
“So they’re a blueberry.” Yolanda murmurs.
Trinity nods. “Yeah.” She pauses, continues to run her hand up and down Yolanda’s back and then begins to speak again. “They also have a heart now.”
“Mmmh. I remember that, I think.” She nods, thinking back to med school and going through that part of studying. But Yolanda hadn’t thought about the development of the fetus exactly like that lately, mostly because she was still grappling with the fact that it’s happening. And mostly because until the first appointment, a part of her is still holding her breath despite the love. Perhaps because of it. Because it’s all encompassing, overwhelming even, the love she already feels for the tiny blueberry inside her.
“Right now, their brain is starting to form. A hundred cells a minute.” She speaks all of this in a soft voice, tender with so much fondness that Yolanda gulps the emotion down and hums, prompting her to continue. “ And their heart should be working fully now, beating steadily.”
Then there’s a pause, where they just stay like that, Yolanda with her eyes closed, still a little nauseous but better now, with a warm feeling in her chest.
“I’m gonna hear it next week.” Yolanda says softly, lifting her head off her shoulder.
“Yeah, Friday, right?”
Yolanda nods, smiling. “Terrifying concept.”
“It’ll be perfect.” Trinity says with that certainty that’s becomes the most grounding thing in her life. “You all done?”
“I think so.” She sighs.
“Come on, let’s get you some tea.”
Yolanda brushes her teeth as Trinity gets started on boiling the water for the tea. She can faintly hear her from where she stands in front of the bathroom mirror. Yolanda thinks back to the beginning. She thinks of the carelessness with which they threw themselves into each other, with no knowledge of just how important to each other they’d become. And she thinks of the careful, sweet, tender unraveling between them now. She thinks of laughter in the kitchen and even on a damned bathroom floor after Yolanda has just puked her guts out.
She thinks, for a very long moment, of the way she still loves this woman and how she doesn’t think she’ll ever stop. And she thinks of the child growing inside her that, no matter how they spin it, is still half Trinity. It’s an unfair and selfish thing to have, she muses. Because now she’ll always have her, one way or the other. Because she’d selfishly said yes to her offer.
It feels like another fucked up thing demonstrating that there’s no way for Yolanda to be normal about Trinity.
And now there’s no going back.
But Yolanda thinks about the woman currently making her tea in her kitchen and she thinks that if she asked, she’d do anything for her. The worst part is that Trinity doesn’t usually ask for things. Yolanda is left trying to guess. And she’s gotten good at asking. And Trinity’s gotten better at answering. It’s just the big things, held closer to the chest, that Yolanda has to pull out of her at times.
It may strike her as selfish once again, but she wants Trinity with her for every step of this. Including the first appointment and probably every single one of them afterwards. She wants her there for everything.
She steps into the kitchen with a plan. Trinity smiles softly as she hands her the mug. “Better?” She asks.
“Yeah.” She nods. “I was thinking, the appointment on Friday?”
There’s a drop in Trinity’s smile as she hums but she recovers quickly, nodding.
“At what time is your shift over?”
“At six.” She answers. “I can wait for you if you want. I know the appointment is at, what was it, six forty?”
“Yeah. I’m off at six as well. I was thinking-”
She clears her throat, looking away from her. “Cool, I could wait or I don’t-”
“Trinity.” Yolanda's voice stops her and she looks at her confused, whispers what, brows furrowed in a way that is so Trinity she has to stop herself from grinning. But she shrugs, places her mug down on the counter, so she can place a hand on her forearm. “Would you like to come with me to the appointment?”
Trinity gulps. “You don’t have to- I mean, it’s, you know, your journey. Fuck I think I just made myself sick that word, kill me now-”
“Trin.” Yolanda lets out a small chuckle.
“Right. Either way, I mean, I’m not-”
“Do you want to come?”
The question stops her rambling and she looks impossibly sheepish when she nods after a few seconds. “I’d like to.” She chokes out. “If you want me there.”
“I’m asking you if you want to be there.”
The smile tugged at her lips despite the tiny breath that escapes her. “I do. Yeah.”
•
Yolanda goes down to the Pitt for a consult and so she can find Trinity afterwards. But Trinity is sequestered for the time being and she doesn’t really have the time to wait around. Trinity had left her vape in Yolanda’s car yesterday and probably hadn’t noticed. She usually needed that kind of break during the long shifts even thought Yolanda fucking hated the thing.
“Dana!” She calls out, plucking the vape pen out of her pocket. “Can you hand this to Santos?”
“I can, honey, but she told me she quit when I asked for company for a smoke break.”
Yolanda’s brows furrow. “She quit?”
“Hey, we should all be so glad she’s trying to get rid of unhealthy habits.” Dana shakes her head, still looking at the computer. And when she notices her silence, she arches an eyebrow, glancing over her glasses. “You good?”
“Yeah, I’m great. Well, then I’ll give it to her at the end of shift.”
“Alright.” Dana shrugs. “We might need you in a couple minutes in Trauma 1.”
“Roger that.” She nods and pockets it again.
Fucking weird.
She doesn’t know why this is tickling her so badly. But it is. She thinks about it for the remainder of her shift when she has a moment to think and it is still striking her as odd. Or unsettling. Even though it’s innocuous. Trinity quit vaping, who cares? Yolanda hates that thing enough. The associated health hazards piss her off. And Trinity usually does it away from her. Sneaking off to the balcony or opening a window in her own apartment. A way to decompress, she’d said, have a few minutes to herself.
But she quit vaping. And she’d left the vape pen in her car, probably dropped it because she’s always clumsy as shit when she’s anywhere but a hospital. And now Yolanda found out she quit from Dana.
And the first appointment is today.
And Yolanda might’ve stopped herself from running an ultrasound on herself to get it over with. But she held on and made it through the shift.
And now she’s waiting on Trinity by the elevators on the opposite side of the Pitt . Yolanda knows one of the best OB-GYN’s in the country is in this hospital and it just so happens that they went to school together and she’s a trustworthy friend. So it will very much stay within the room they’ll be in. And since they don’t have to go through the Pitt to get to the OB-GYN’s floor, no gossip obsessed person in the Pitt will start bets. Yolanda had considered going to a different hospital entirely but the benefits outweighed the costs, healthcare included and the practicality of it, as Trinity had reminded her.
She’s scrolling through her phone, going over the texts the family group chat accumulated, Trinity ones included commenting on her baby brother’s dumb meme with another dumber meme. Those two got along for the amount of chaos they could cause together. A true menace to society.
“Hey.” Trinity grins, announcing her arrival and glancing down at her phone and she grins wider. “Your brother’s hilarious.”
“Unbelievable. Stop encouraging him.” She shakes her head, pressing the elevator button. “And hello to you too.”
They enter the elevator, with Trinity recounting the number of layers the meme he’d sent held to a confused Yolanda who quite frankly could care less about the amount of chronically online you had to be to understand Eddy’s meme.
“You quit vaping?”
Trinity who is in the middle of a laugh, sobers up. “Oh.” She nods. “I did, yeah.”
“You left your vape in my car.”
Trinity raises an eyebrow, tilting her head. “Why do you sound vaguely pissed?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
She raises her hands. “I was going to. It’s not a big deal.”
“You quit coffee. You’re selling your car. And now you quit vaping. Things you like. Things you obstinately said you’d never quit. So what gives?”
“Okay. First of all, minus the coffee, those are all things you repeatedly told me to quit.”
“You didn’t drink last night at dinner with Emery. Why?”
“Because you can’t drink. And it’d be suspicious if only you didn’t drink.”
Yolanda considers it. Then hums, sighing. “Fine.” She pauses, looking at her. “I don’t want you quitting things you like just because of the baby.”
Trinity gets this softened look on her face. “Landa.” She shakes her head. “I’m…look, I’ve gone over a lot of things in my life since you told me you wanted this and I…I want to be a good thing in your life.”
“You are a good thing in my life. One of the best.” She furrows her brows.
“Okay, but I also want to be a positive influence on your kid.”
Yolanda’s face, a second before locked and resolute now softens, melts into an open expression that she rarely presents to the outside world, especially in the hospital.
“T…” She frowns. “You will be.”
“No, I…this is a conversation for later but there’s a lot of shit about me that isn’t good and I’ve worked on it but the way I was raised sometimes makes me do things I…a kid doesn’t deserve any of that.” She looks at her feet, breathing out. “So I figured if I minimize the reckless shit I do, I’d…be better.”
“Okay, look at me. We’re not done with conversation. But just so you know, I know for a fact, you’ll be this kid’s ride or die. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. There’s a lot more I’m going to say but…” The elevator dings. “Let’s go see them.”
Dr. Zimal greets Yolanda with excitement, congratulating her profusely and ushering them into her office. She’d been a good friend in school but they’d lost the regular kind of communication when Zimal moved a few years back. She’s back in Pittsburgh now and Yolanda has been meaning to get in touch more regularly but the last year had been fellowship hell and now here she is. Inside Zimal’s office with Trinity beside her.
There’s the baseline questions she’d expected and then before she knows it, she is lying across the examining table flinching at the cool gel on her stomach and awaiting the probe. Trinity sits beside her on a stool, still looking faintly distant. Yolanda guesses her mind is on their elevator conversation. But the minute, Dr. Zimal moved the probe around Yolanda’s stomach, her eyes are laser focused on the screen.
For a split second, Yolanda stares at her. The way her mouth hangs open in awe at the screen, the kind she can recognize, soft and small and larger than life inside her. And she reaches for her hand even though she never imagined she’d be this type of person. And Trinity looks at her and smiles nervously and they lock eyes before Yolanda turns to look at the screen.
“So, there’s the embryo.” Dr. Zimal says, pointing. “And the gestational sac, right there, around it. And that’s their head right about… there.” She circles it and smiles.
“Blueberry.” Trinity mumbles.
Dr. Zimal laughs. “Exactly. Just about.” She nods. “If you look at this, that’s their arms and legs forming.”
“That’s the heartbeat right?” Yolanda asks, motioning towards the flicker.
“Absolutely. Would you like to hear it?” She grins, glancing at both of them. She turns the knob up. And the sound fills the room.
Yolanda laughs, but she feels like she might cry just from the sound of it. “There they are.” She breathes out and looks towards Trinity. Trinity who is staring at that screen like it solves the mystery of life, streaks of tears rolling down her cheek. “T…”
“Sorry.” She clears her throat.
“It’s okay.” Yolanda murmurs, squeezing her hand.
“That’s a heartbeat.”
Yolanda nods. “That’s a heartbeat.”
“And a healthy one.” Dr. Zimal says gently. They both look at her. “It seems you’ve got a healthy baby. Everything seems to be progressing well, from what I’m seeing. We can schedule the next appointment if you’d like.”
“Yeah, that’d be perfect.” Yolanda nods.
“And I’m gonna go print out the ultrasound pictures. I’ll get you a few ones.”
Dr. Zimal exits the room. And Trinity is still a little wide eyed, still staring at the machine.
“Hey.” Yolanda murmurs and she looks at her.
“I feel like my heart is outside of my chest.” She says and it breaks Yolanda, wide open and she can’t help but laugh and cry a little and feel the whole world tilting as Trinity takes their intertwined hands and kisses her skin. “Sorry, that was dramatic but I never knew a tiny blob could do this.”
“No. I know.” Yolanda nods. And then she pauses. “See what I mean?”
Trinity furrows her brows. “What?”
“This kid is going to be the luckiest to have you in their life.” The words come out weightless but carrying the whole meaning like it’s always meant to be like this. “And so am I.”
“Always.”