Chapter Text
Buck woke slowly, like he was deep underwater and swimming to the surface for air. He blinked as things came into focus. He was in a bright, white room. Machines near his head were beeping, keeping a steady rhythm that matched his heart.
Hospital. He was in hospital.
His body felt strange, distant. Like he wasn’t quite connected to it. It felt heavy, somehow. Not tired, not the exhaustion that he’d got used to, but a different kind of weight.
There was something attached to his arm. He wanted to look, but it took him a moment to work out how to make his head turn. Like he had to remember how to make his body move.
An IV. There was an IV. That… made sense. Hospital. IV. Right.
Buck realised that maybe it wasn’t just his body that felt off. His thoughts seemed to be running… slowly. Thick like syrup.
He felt something on his face. He tried to raise his hand to brush away whatever it was but it wouldn’t move. At first, Buck thought it was just the general lethargy that seemed to have engulfed his whole body. But, no, there was definite resistance. He looked down and saw the problem. He couldn’t move his hand because someone else's hand was holding it.
But who...
Oh. Oh.
Eddie. Eddie was there.
His Eddie.
Just for this moment, Buck would pretend he was his Eddie. He was holding Buck’s hand.
Eddie was holding his hand.
He knew it couldn't mean what he wanted it to mean, but the warmth of Eddie’s hand in his was, well, everything.
He closed his eyes, took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. When his eyes opened again, he found himself meeting the warm chocolate gaze of Eddie Diaz.
Eddie was there and looking right back at him.
“Buck?” It was almost a whisper.
And Buck wanted to answer. He wanted to ask Eddie if he was OK. He wanted to know why Eddie was holding his hand.
But he couldn’t seem to get his brain to make the words. Or maybe it was trying to get his mouth to work that was the problem. Finally, he managed to say something.
“Eddie”.
It was just his name, and Buck could hear it was soft around the edges. A little slurred. But Eddie’s eyes lit up like he'd just received the best gift ever.
“Hey,” he said softly, leaning in towards Buck. “How are you feeling?”
And Buck realised he didn’t know. He felt… strange. He wanted to tell Eddie, but it was too hard. He tried to find other words, to explain, but in the end all he could manage was “Eddie” again.
Even more slurred this time. Buck was having trouble keeping his eyes open. He wanted to keep looking at Eddie, but he couldn’t keep him in focus.
Eddie gave a soft laugh.
“I think you might still be a little out of it, bud. They sedated you, and you’re just coming out the other side of it.”
Oh. That would explain the way his body felt, Buck thought. It would explain the cotton wool in his brain. It would explain... why he couldn’t... focus. Why he didn’t... really feel... anything. Why…
The thought just drifted away. The last thing Buck felt before falling back into unconsciousness was someone squeeze his hand.
Buck came awake quickly, snapping into awareness almost instantly. He remembered… being in hospital? He remembered… being hooked up to an IV? He remembered…
Eddie?
Raising his head to look, Buck hardly dared hope that Eddie would still be there with him. But he was.
Eddie was there. Now sleeping in the chair by Buck’s bed. Still holding Buck’s hand.
Oh, and didn’t that make Buck’s heart just soar.
Buck drew in a deep breath and took stock. The IV was gone. He felt… better. He felt in control, steady and, well, like himself. Resting his head back on his pillow, Buck thought about Eddie, staying, watching over him. It made an unfamiliar warmth bloom in his chest. He felt safe.
But, with that, came the very familiar sense of guilt. It wasn’t OK that Eddie was risking his own recovery to stay with Buck. He could not be comfortable in the chair by Buck's bed, and it could not be good for his shoulder to sleep like that, leaning at an angle to hold Buck's hand. Buck couldn’t let that carry on, despite how much he wanted to savour even that small physical connection with Eddie.
Not knowing how best to wake him, in the end Buck just gave Eddie’s hand a squeeze.
Eddie’s eyes flew open. “Buck” he breathed, with what sounded like immense relief. ”Man, I’m happy to see you awake again.”
“How long? Was I out? This time, I mean?” Buck asked. And wasn’t that a comment on his life that How long was I unconscious? had become a regular opening gambit.
“About 36 hours. This time.” There was no bite to Eddie’s teasing. “You already woke up a couple of times. You were definitely still feeling the meds, though, so I’m not sure that counts. Do you remember what happened?” Eddie had moved in the chair, wincing slightly as the movement jostled his shoulder, and was leaning in towards Buck now.
He still hadn’t let go of Buck’s hand.
Thinking hard, trying to answer Eddie’s question, Buck eventually shook his head. Then, after another long moment, he said slowly “Wait. I was in a garden. I went for a walk. I sat.” He looked at Eddie. “Then this,” he said simply, knowing there was more to it than that. There were flashes, dim memories of… moments. Nothing concrete though, and nothing he could make real sense of. He hoped it wasn't too bad, whatever was missing from his memory.
But Eddie’s face had darkened slightly and his expression had fallen into what Buck liked to think of as his I’m not so much angry as disappointed face.
Oh dear. This was unlikely to be good.
“Buck, you decided to go for an early morning stroll in the hospital garden and then kinda passed out on one of the benches. The medics think that your body was just too... drained... at that point to function properly. You worried us, buddy. You worried me. Even though you were struggling so badly, and you knew you were struggling, you decided to wander off on your own. You vanished.”
Eddie gave him a small smile. It wasn't a genuine smile, but Buck appreciated the effort at least. “I think Chimney is actually going to kill you. You vanished twice, both times on his watch. He had visions of Maddie committing actual violence against him if anything happened to you. And he might well have been right about that.” Eddie laughed then. A harsh, unexpected sound. “But she’d have had to stand in line. Behind me.”
“Eddie…”
“You scared me, Buckley. You passed out. More than once. You weren’t yourself. You hid what was going on from me. You wouldn’t talk to me. You finally ended up here in hospital only because you randomly turned up here in the middle of the night then collapsed. Again. Then, after you woke up, you disappeared. Again."
Closing his eyes, Eddie continued. “I’ve never seen Chim so panicked as when he burst into my room looking for you that morning. And I’ve never seen him so relieved as when you were found. When they told him you were asleep in the hospital garden, of all places. But, actually, you were somewhere between asleep and unconscious. I saw you. It was terrifying how out of it you were. We could wake you up, kinda, but you weren’t really there. And you just couldn’t stay awake. You tried. I could see you fighting to stay with me. But, in the end, you slipped back under and I couldn’t wake you up again.”
Buck was quiet for a moment, just looking at Eddie. Then he said, “I’m sorry Eddie. I didn’t mean to worry you”.
“No,” Eddie said simply. “I know. But I was worried anyway”.
Then he seemed to sag.
“Your numbers were bad, Buck. Like, bad. Your body was shutting down. Lack of food, exhaustion, dehydration. The medics didn't have a choice. They hooked you back up to an IV for fluids, sedated you properly so you wouldn’t feel it, then…”
Buck sighed. He'd been aware of the irritation caused by something in his nose, something in his throat. He raised his free hand, almost automatically, towards it. Eddie let go of the hand he had been holding and reached to still the other.
“No, no. Careful. You have to leave it alone. You need it.” Eddie's voice was wrong, somehow.
“Feeding tube?”
“Feeding tube.”
Their eyes met. Buck had heard the way Eddie had said "You need it" and his stomach dropped.
“You know?” Buck asked, voice shaking. He hadn’t wanted Eddie to know. He’d wanted to hide his weakness. To hide how tragic he was. To hide his inability to cope like a normal person should.
“I know”. Eddie's voice was still wrong.
And that, thought Buck, was that.
Now Eddie knew he was messed up. He might not know why, but he’d seen that Buck was tragic, Weak. Eddie wouldn’t want to spend time with him. He wouldn’t let Chris spend time with him. It was done. Over.
Before he’d been brave enough to say anything. Buck hoped he would one day have been brave enough. But it didn't matter now. There would never be a chance for them. And why should there be? Buck could never be what Eddie wanted.
He could feel Eddie’s eyes on him, and looked up. Eddie’s expression was… unreadable. His eyes were boring into Buck as if he needed to see right into his heart. Into his soul.
That could never happen.
“I-it’s OK, Eds,” Buck said, trying to keep his voice from breaking, “I’m going to be fine now. I already feel… better, I guess. I-I think the feeding tube must already have made a difference, and I’m going to make an appointment with someone who can help me… you know… process. But.” He closed his eyes and took in a breath. “You should go and take care of yourself. You won’t heal right, sitting like that.”
Eddie looked at him for a long moment, like he was trying to work something out.
“I’m exactly where I need to be,” he said slowly, keeping eye contact with Buck as he spoke, "where I want to be. And I’m healing just fine.” Eddie paused, then said in a thick voice “Apparently, the treatment I got on the way to the hospital, and how quickly I was brought in? It made a huge difference to my recovery.” Eddie looked at Buck, his eyes filled with an emotion Buck still couldn’t name. “It’s what kept me alive. I have you to thank for that. You saved me. So if you think I’m going anywhere…”
“But, Eddie…”
“But nothing.” A tension deep within Eddie suddenly seemed to snap. “Dammit, Buck. I can’t let you out of my sight for a moment without you doing something dangerous, or putting yourself at risk. And when I think of how much you've struggled, just because of me. Because I got shot…”
Buck laughed. He couldn’t help it.
“Eddie, you got shot right in front of me. I couldn’t protect you. I didn’t even know if I’d be able to keep you alive. You. Who matter to me more than anyone. You, who I… I mean… you’re my best friend. All I could see was your blood, everywhere. All I could taste was your blood. It's all I can taste.”
And there it was, unbidden. That awful metallic tang that seemed destined to haunt him forever. Blood.
Eddie's blood.
His face must have shown his sudden distress. Eddie looked at him, stricken.
“But, Buck... I’m fine. You know that. I’m good. I’m going to recover, fully recover, all thanks to you. Surely…”
“You don’t get it, do you Eddie?” Buck asked, his voice suddenly gentle. No more than a whisper. “I’m still there. In that street. It’s all I see when I close my eyes. You. The shot. The blood. Because I could have lost you, Eddie. I almost lost you. And I never said… I never told you…”
He looked away, worried that Eddie would see the tears in his eyes. Unable to say what he wanted to say.
But Eddie was frowning.
“Buck, do you really think I don’t know? That I don’t understand? I’ve almost lost you so many times. I had to watch while you were pinned under a ladder truck. I had to watch as you vomited blood in Bobby’s back yard. I had to watch you collapse after pushing way beyond your limits to keep Chris safe during the tsunami. And, all those times I nearly lost you, that was back before I even knew why it hurt so very much. Before I really understood how I felt. Before I knew that I loved you. That I love you.”
And, OK, what now? Buck's brain seemed to short circuit. What did Eddie just say?
Eddie was looking at him, biting his bottom lip. Brave. Hopeful. Scared. He was looking at Buck, eyes wide, desperate for… something. But Buck couldn't speak.
Buck watched as emotions swirled across Eddie's face. As the man he loved faded from brave to… what? Hurt? Disappointed? Was that regret?
Then Eddie moved. He was pulling back, pulling away. He released Buck’s hand and looked down.
And Buck realised he still hadn’t breathed. He was still trapped in the moment when Eddie said the words Buck had been dreaming he’d say for so long. It was overwhelming. But he had to breathe. Had to respond. Had to say something. He just couldn't process the idea that Eddie could love... him. Didn't know how to say everything that was suddenly fighting to get out.
“Eddie”.
Buck reached for him. But Eddie didn’t reach back.
“I’m sorry, Buck. Evan. I guess I misread things. I thought… never mind. I was wrong. I’m sorry. I should go...”
And, no. This was not happening. Buck would not let it.
“Edmundo Diaz, look at me.” Buck’s voice was soft, gentle even, but firm. It held steel that Buck himself didn’t recognise. “Eddie. Please.”
Eddie's eyes flicked to Buck's face, but then away again, as if he couldn't bear it.
Finally finding his courage, Buck reached out and took possession of Eddie’s hand, entwining their fingers. Eddie watched, mesmerised by the movement. Then Buck said the words he’d been too scared to say. The words he’d always been too scared to say.
“I love you too, Eddie. So much. For so long. I just never believed you could ever feel anything for me. You surprised me, and it took me a moment to catch up. But I love you, Eddie Diaz. More than I have the words to explain.”
Eddie looked at Buck for a beat, then a slow smile spread across his face, melting away the fear and doubt. Buck watched and it was like the sun coming up.
“Really?” Eddie asked, shyly. “You really love me too?”
“With every piece of my heart, Eddie.”
Eddie could see Buck’s heart in his eyes. He could hear the truth in Buck’s every word. Buck loved him. This was real. And Eddie thought his heart might burst. Yes, Buck was in the hospital. Yes, though he was better there was still some way to go. But Eddie would be there. Every moment. Every step Buck took on his road to recovery, Eddie would be there. Walking right beside him, holding his hand.
Just like Eddie knew Buck would be there for him through all the post-shooting healing and the rehab.
Not as friends but, maybe, as... everything?
“Buck,” Eddie said then, still sounding a little unsure. “I’d really like to kiss you now. If that is OK.”
Eddie. Wanted to kiss. Him.
Buck had dreamed of this for so long. He’d imagined it so many times. How Eddie would look at him. How his lips would feel. How Eddie would taste.
Oh.
How Eddie would taste.
A sudden horror welled up in Buck, nausea hitting him so hard it made his head spin.
Because he knew how Eddie would taste. Like everything tasted now. Like blood.
Eddie's blood.
He looked at Eddie, so full of hope. Expectant. Buck looked away. Looked back. Needing not to be a coward. He couldn’t let this happen. He couldn’t kiss Eddie.
“I-I’m sorry Eddie. No.”
And, no. Oh no. Buck’s heart broke at the way Eddie’s face clouded instantly. How Eddie tried to hide how crushed he’d been by that simple refusal.
Buck had done that.
All that time spent longing. Wanting. Yearning. Eddie had finally been there, leaning right back towards him. Offering him everything he had wanted for so long.
And Buck had pulled away.
Oh, God. He had pulled away. Eddie would never forgive him. He had killed what ever could have been between them. Killed the one chance he'd had to be with this amazing man who he loved with his whole heart. Who miraculously loved him back.
But he couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t bear the thought of kissing Eddie and being overwhelmed by taste of...
Eddie's blood.
Buck would never recover from that.
But maybe he would never recover from this either.
Eddie was just sitting there, frozen, with hurt and confusion painted across his face. Buck had never seen such vulnerability in Eddie's eyes. Then he seemed to draw the shutters. Buck saw as his expression sank into a guarded neutrality. He saw the shutters come back down, protecting Eddie's heart.
Separating them.
Then Eddie pushed he chair away, starting to stand. And Buck could not let that happen. He suddenly knew that if Eddie left, this chance - their chance - would be gone forever.
“Please, Eddie. Don’t. Don’t go. I want you... I need you to stay. Please.”
He closed his eyes and took a breath.
“I do love you Eddie. I really love you. And I want to kiss you. I've imagined it, dreamed of it, for... well, it feels like forever.”
Eddie blinked at him.
“You do?”
“Of course, Eddie. How could I not?”
“But then…” Eddie looked confused, still, but he no longer seemed to be on the verge of leaving. Buck would take that, for now at least.
“I can’t kiss you, Eddie. I want to. I feel like I'm dying, I want to kiss you so badly, but I can't.”
Buck felt a tear slip down his cheek.
Tentatively, Eddie reached out his fingers and brushed it away. His expression softened and his eyes were questioning as they held Buck's. Eddie was trying so hard to understand. It didn't seem possible, but Buck loved him even more for it.
“What is it, then, baby?” Eddie asked, still stroking Buck’s cheek. “Why can't you kiss me? What’s wrong?”
“I can’t risk… I mean, what if... ” He just couldn't say the words. It would make his whole pathetic reaction real.
And suddenly Buck was sobbing. He pushed the heels of his hands to his eyes, hard, but he couldn’t stop the tears.
“Hey. Hey. No. You’ll hurt yourself.”
Eddie gently pulled Buck's hands from his face, one at a time.
“Talk to me, baby. I thought…”
Buck looked up through his thick tear-drenched lashes.
“I-I’m… scared, Eddie. I’ve wanted this for so long. Wanted you for so long. I want you to kiss me. But, you know why I’m here. What… what if… maybe, if we kissed…”
Oh. Oh.
Eddie understood. He understood why Buck was scared. Why he was holding back.
Eddie moved without thinking.
He reach out and carefully tilted Buck’s chin, then very gently pressed their lips together.
And, oh. Buck’s lips were so velvety soft and smooth, and the kiss was everything Eddie had imagined. Buck moaned softly, parting his lips and inviting Eddie to deepen the kiss.
Buck couldn’t believe that Eddie was kissing him.
His Eddie. Maybe... maybe he really could be his Eddie. His Eddie, who loved him back!
The kiss was just as he'd dreamed it would be. Eddie's mouth was perfect. Buck felt himself lean into the kiss. He felt Eddie move, he felt the press of Eddie’s tongue and his own lips parted, automatically wanting more.
Then a wave of icy fear flooded through him. What if…
But then, the taste of Eddie filled his mouth. A sweet bitterness, like dark chocolate and coffee, and, underneath that, something warm and uniquely... Eddie.
It was delicious.
Eddie's kiss was delicious.
Suddenly incapable of thought, Buck reached up and twisted his fingers into Eddie's hair. He pushed back into the kiss, chasing Eddie's mouth with his own. Chasing the feel of it. Chasing the taste.
Because the taste of Eddie's kiss had set Buck's soul on fire. It had burned through all his fear, all the worry. It burned away the phantom taste of blood, replacing it with something real.
The true taste of Eddie. And Eddie tasted like home.
Buck realised that, at some point, he had closed his eyes. Feeling Eddie finally break the kiss, he opened them and found himself looking into the flushed face of Eddie Diaz.
The man he was in love with. The man who loved him back.
"Was that OK?" Eddie asked, suddenly nervous. "I'm sorry if..."
"Oh, Eddie" Buck breathed. "It was perfect. It was... wow."
"Wow?" Eddie echoed, a soft smile playing at the corners of his mouth. "That good, huh?"
Buck leaned back and considered Eddie. His eyes were bright, a blush still clung to his cheeks, and his lips were pink and plush. And at serious risk of neglect. They needed, Buck thought, to be kissed again, immediately.
"Eddie, come here" Buck practically moaned, and pulled a slightly wide-eyed Eddie back towards him.
Kissing Eddie, Buck realised somewhere in the small part of his brain still fighting for coherence, was not something that would ever get old. He might need to make it his life's work. If only Eddie would let him.
Eddie thought his world had ended when Buck pulled away. When he didn't want Eddie to kiss him, Eddie immediately thought he'd somehow misunderstood. That Buck didn't love him, after all. He had just wanted to run from that hurt. Then, after more confusion, that precious moment of clarity. Buck was scared. Scared their kisses would taste like... like his trauma.
But Eddie could feel... he somehow just knew... that wasn't going to happen. Once he was sure that Buck did really want to kiss him, Eddie just felt himself act.
And he was pretty sure it had gone well. If Buck's "Perfect" and "Wow" were anything to go by. Over the years, Eddie had kissed a handful of people but it had never felt like it did when he kissed Buck. Like stepping out into the morning sunshine. Like coming up for air. Like every cliché ever written about how it feels to be in love. Because clichés were clichés for a reason, Eddie thought fuzzily.
As Buck took charge, pressing their lips back together, Eddie realised that being kissed by Buck may be even sweeter than taking the lead himself.
The kissing lasted for a while. Sometimes it was passionate, intense and full of heat; sometimes it was tender, gentle and full of need. Between the kissing, there was talking. Real talking. They had been open and honest with each other as friends for years. But they had both been holding things back. They talked about their fears. They talked about recovery, and what managing that recovery together would look like. They talked about the future. What it could be, and what they wanted it to be. Talked about all that was possible, and what it meant for them, for their families, their friends and for their lives.
Eddie saw at once that one of his biggest challenges was going to be convincing Buck that he was worthy of Eddie's love. Eddie's uncertainty about sharing his feelings had been due to the risks to their friendship, what it might mean for Christopher, uncertainty about his own sexuality. Buck's fears were darker, rooted in a lack of belief in his own self-worth. Despite their years of friendship, and despite seeing how hard Buck often was on himself, Eddie was only now starting to realise just how very deep Buck's insecurities ran. It made him even more determined that Buck would come to see himself how Eddie saw him. It also made him want, not for the first time, to drive to Hershey, Pennsylvania, and have a very long talk with Buck's parents.
Buck, on the other hand, was swept away by his emotions. Setting free his feelings for Eddie, owning them after all the time spent denying his love, was giddying. And there was the total relief that kissing Eddie was... normal. No, not normal. Wonderful. Amazing. Delicious. It gave Buck hope that other things would be normal now too. He hadn't had the taste of blood suddenly overwhelm him since that first marvellous kiss. He didn't really believe that it would be that easy, that he would just be fixed, but he no longer felt like the taste of Eddie's blood would plague him forever.
What he was sure of was that he loved Eddie, and that Eddie loved him. That Eddie was going to recover fully, and that Buck would also be fine. They would be there for each other, do whatever was needed to make their relationship work. Buck had never felt anything like this before. He had never been this happy. He looked up into Eddie's beautiful face, and ran a soft finger along his cheek and down the line of his jaw. Reaching Eddie's chin, Buck tilted Eddie's face gently, awed at the look of devotion he found there.
"I love you, Eddie Diaz," Buck murmured, leaning in. "I love kissing you. I think you might be addictive," he breathed.
"I love you too, Buck" Eddie whispered as their lips met.
Buck thought he could live in that moment forever. As long as he could always get one more taste of Eddie. As long as there would always be one more kiss.