Chapter Text
When Aaron and Theodosia said their ‘I do’s’ Alexander did not cry. No because that would be embarrassing for one and secondly because it was not like he had any reason to take pride in his friends’ wedding. (He totally cried because when he met Aaron, the guy was not able to express any emotion at all. Now with Theo he had learnt that listening to your heart was as much as important than listening to your head and Alex was ridiculously proud of him for that.)
It was the first wedding he attended since his own didn’t happen. It was a bit awkward, considering that at least a dozen people here should have been there last May. He could still feel a few looks on him, he could hear some of them whispered and he snickered. Let them come say what they have to say to my face! He thought. He was aware of the rumors. They said that he cheated on Eliza, that she was a cover for him because he was actually gay. Was bisexuality such a hard concept for them to grasp? Besides, he had never hiden his sexual orientation to any official Senator Schuyler had introduced him to. But apparently, being bi is only acceptable if you’re dating a woman. Or maybe they thought it was just an eccentricity from his part? Whatever it was, he had to remind himself that he was Aaron’s best man and that causing a scene was not among his duties. Well, he would just have to make a post on his blog during the next week.
Because yes he was back! He wouldn’t go as far as saying he was happy but at least he was no longer miserable and wallowing in self-pity. He still worked more hours than necessary but he would come back to his place at a reasonable time – well more like acceptable. He refused to call it home though. He had devoted some time to volunteer at a youth center and had helped as much as he could with the wedding preparations. He was trying to be a good friend.
Therefore he wrote an absolute piece of art for his best man’s speech. He made everyone laughed with his imitation of Burr’s famous ‘talk less, smile more’ face – he had been working on it since freshman year. He didn’t forget to mention the brownies’ episode because he knew Burr liked that anecdote (probably for the same reasons it was mortifying to him). When he was done, Theodosia was laughing hard and Burr was pretending to be mad at him. Mission accomplished then.
They had their first dance to a Tina Turner song Alex didn’t know. He was watching them fondly. They looked so happy. Would he and Eliza have looked like that? He couldn’t help but wonder. He had thought so once. Yet the more he thought about it, the less convinced he was. He had loved her, no doubt. But maybe they had both tried too hard to fit into a mold neither of them had wanted in the first place. As for John… Well Alex was starting to realize he had a lot of feelings about him. Those were probably there for a while but he hadn’t been able to see them until too late.
He was reminiscing so much that he didn’t react when Eliza actually appeared in front of him, wait what?
“Hi Alex,” she said, a bit sheepish.
“Hey,” he said lamely.
“Nice speech,” she smiled.
“Uh? Oh thanks.” He needed to get out. Maybe he could fake a seizure or an allergic reaction, that was the only way to escape with salvaging a little of his dignity. But that would ruin Burr’s wedding. A part of his brain whispered that it would be payback for inviting Eliza and not telling him. God who else was here that he didn’t know and didn’t want to see?
“Relax Alex,” Eliza laughed. “I’m not gonna hit you or anything.”
“Ok,” Alex replied, not totally convinced. It was not like he didn’t deserve it.
“Look let’s cut to the chase ok? I don’t wanna fight. I got your letter last October and I know it was five months ago but I want you to know that I forgive you. You probably could have handled the whole thing better but you were right to be honest before the wedding.”
“You forgive me?”
“I mean there’s still a lot we should talk about and I’m not saying that everything is forgotten but essentially… Yeah mostly…”
Alexander exhaled a relief sight and without a second thought he hugged her. He would have pulled back immediately if not for the fact that she hugged him back and giggled against his ear. And he had missed that sound and he had missed her and he was so relieved to know that she forgave him. She was the one to pull back.
“My girlfriend is gonna get suspicious,” she winked.
“Girlfriend?” he repeated.
She nodded beaming. Whoever that girl was, Alexander loved her already for putting that smile on Betsey’s face.
“She’s over there at the table,” she pointed. The girl in question had blond hair and blue eyes. She was probably taller than him, even without her heels. She was wearing a very elegant dress that Alexander had no doubt was Hercules’ work. And she was talking to John. Shit.
The panic must have shown on his face because Eliza quietly said, “It wouldn’t have been fair to either of us to go through with the wedding when you’re in love with him.”
For the second time, Alexander wanted to run away from this conversation for very different reasons. He didn’t know if he was in love with John, or more exactly he wasn’t sure. But he sure as hell didn’t want to discuss that with Eliza! Actually, he would rather not talk about it to anyone at all, thank you very much. He groaned.
“I’m just saying,” Eliza kept talking. “I like him. I understand why you do too.”
Alexander drowned down the rest of his champagne. He needed another four glasses before he was ready for that conversation. Eliza saw it and laughed.
“Such a child,” she sighed fondly. “Well if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to dance with Anna.” He didn’t miss what she didn’t say. I’m gonna free John so that you can go talk to him.
“Best of women,” he murmured and she smiled.
“Goodbye Alex.”
She walked toward her table and said something in her girlfriend’s ear. The two promptly left John alone to join the dance floor. It didn’t take long for him to find Alex who had been unable to look away from him. They locked eyes. Alex felt himself shrink, remembering all the things John had said to him. And he had deserved every single one of them. How could he now claim that he missed him? That he wanted him back?
John gave him the tiniest nod accompanied by the tiniest smile. That was all Alexander needed to gather the courage to walk toward the table.
“Hi,” he said shyly.
“Hi,” John said. He gestured for Alex to sit on the chair in front of him. “That speech was… something.”
“Thank you,” Alex smiled. He decided to wait a bit, see if John had something to say. In the wildest part of his heart, John would say that he forgave him and wanted to give them a try; Alex knew better than to hope though. Eliza had moved on and chances were that John had too. That would probably crush him more than he was willing to admit but should that be the case, he’d do what John did. Step back and be a good friend. That was, if John would even allow him that title again. Seeing as the other man wasn’t going to talk again, Alex decided to treat carefully.
“How are you doing? How is work?” he asked.
“I’m ok. Work is fine, last winter was more clement than the one before.” He responded. “To be honest I’m still wondering why I was invited…”
“Probably because Aaron and Theo wanted us to talk?” Alex saw no point in denying the obvious.
“Yeah I figured,” John said shakily.
“And yet you came,” Alex pointed out, something like hope flickering in his chest.
“I did,” John whispered.
“Look John,” Alex began, “how about you and I have a real conversation this time? None of us doing all the talking, none of us deciding for the other? A real, honest conversation…”
“Are we breaking up or whatever again?” John tried to joke.
“Hopefully not,” Alex replied. He was looking at John directly in the eyes. Por Dios the guy was so attractive it was unfair. John Laurens in a tux was a weakness of his, he knew and the one he was currently wearing was no exception.
“Ok, ok. Let’s try,” John smiled tentatively. “I didn’t read the letter you sent.” He admitted. “I couldn’t open the envelope. I stare at it every day but I can’t bring myself to open it. I’m scared.”
“Why?” Alex asked, taken aback.
“Because your letters are my kryptonite. The only way I would say no to you is if I’m furious and I had time to calm down so… yeah…”
“Alright,” Alexander said slowly. “Do you want to know what it said?”
John shrugged. “Not really? I’m sorry it’s just, I’d rather we say what we have to say openly.”
“As you wish,” Alex replied. “Do you wanna start?”
“No,” John answered honestly.
“Ok, so… Basically I want to know if… if there’s a slight change that you might forgive me in the future, may it be tomorrow or in ten years. What I did… I know I fucked up, I know I hurt you two but I can’t bring myself to regret it. Not doing so would have been wrong and dishonest but that’s not an excuse. Still I’m terribly sorry for all the pain I have caused you and Eliza. You two deserve everything and more. And…”
He hesitated.
“Go on,” John said.
“And if you do forgive me at some point, I just want to say that I miss you and that I would love to be a part of your life again, however small. Not talking to you… it’s hard and I don’t wanna lose you again.” Alex ducked his head down. He heard John take a deep breath.
“Look at me Alexander,” it was a gentle command to which Alex immediately obliged. John’s eyes were shining.
“I may have not read that letter, but I have forgiven you already. Or I think I have. And I do want you to be in my life because you’re right it feels wrong when you’re not… It’s just that… It hurts ok? It hurts still and it had hurt so for now… How about we take things step by step? Friends?”
“Always,” Alexander breathed out. He felt a tear rolling down his cheek. Damn this was difficult. But he was forgiven so that was something right? Both John and Eliza forgave him! That was far more that he could have hoped. He could literally feel the worries leaving his bones. Not the guilt though, this would probably always be there but he could learn to live with it. He could carry it like a reminder to never screw up like this again.
He and John were now smiling at each other. It was a little awkward but Alex had no doubt they could get past it. Friends, John had said. Yeah they could be friends, Alex thought. What would come out of it was theirs to determine and to explore. Suddenly he was excited. He was John Laurens’ friend again, he wanted to start now! Start what, he wasn’t sure but his train of thoughts was interrupted when John groaned at the next song.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” he muttered and wait was he blushing? Alex didn’t understand until he listened to the song a bit more carefully and realized which song it was. Their prom song, the one they had kissed to in their high school gymnasium. Alex remembered it like it was yesterday. The stupid cheesy theme – Magic under the stars, seriously? – and the Disney playlist that Kitty Livingston had insisted on. Dancing in John’s arms as Can you feel the love tonight was playing, whispering words of love to one another with no care in the world.
“Is Burr doing that on purpose?” John asked.
“I don’t think he knows,” Alex answered, chuckling at his indignant expression. “Believe it or not this is a total coincidence.”
John made an outraged sound and it took everything in Alexander not to ask him to dance with him. He knew it was too soon and he would be a damn fool to do anything to ruin the small peace between him and John. Still, this was their song and John was right there in front of him.
Timidly, he brushed his fingers next to John’s on the table. John looked up to him and glanced down at their hands. He slowly intertwined their fingers before looking back into Alexander’s eyes. Alex smiled.
John didn’t let go of his hand when the song ended.
*
They weren’t dating. John had insisted on that. They were spending time together, coming from an awkward friendship to a strong bond again. Lafayette and Hercules didn’t understand. They had tried to dissuade him at first and their forgiveness had been harder for Alex to obtain than John’s or Eliza’s. He got it eventually though John suspected it was more because his friends could see that he made him happy. Because he really was. Being friends again was thrilling. It shouldn’t be, they weren’t doing anything crazy. They mostly were having lunch, sometimes drinks with or without Hercules and Laf. John was still meeting Eliza once a week for coffee. She was the one who told him that Angelica was pregnant, all excited for her sister. And when Anna asked her to move in in her apartment, she was literally glowing. Peggy and Sally were doing well too. In fact, he had seen Sally suspiciously looking at rings at the jewelry store on more than one occasion. His father was calling him about once a month and his siblings always sent him memes that he mostly didn’t understand.
Life was good, life was bright.
He knew he was still in love with Alexander and if he knew the other man, he knew Alexander was also in love with him. But Alexander was very carefully to respect the boundaries they had set. He was letting John decide and for that John was grateful. He was still not ready for them to be in a relationship yet.
So they weren’t dating but they were definitely not just friends. It reminded John of the electricity in the air in the weeks before their first kiss in high school. He knew it was only a matter of time and he was satisfied with it.
The status quo came to an end on a hot August afternoon. Alexander had invited himself at John’s and was playing with Marvin. The dog loved him which did things to John that definitely didn’t help the whole ‘we’re just friends’ situation. Alex was sitting on the floor, scratching the husky behind his ears. Since he had read somewhere that pet had to be treated like human, he had decided to explain to him the story of his namesake. The dog must have shared with the robot his inability to listen to humans because he quickly decided that a nap was in order and went to the bedroom.
Alex pouted.
“!Carajo! This is a scandal!” he exclaimed, getting up.
“Don’t swear in front of my dog!” Alexander pouted. “You’re ridiculous,” John chuckled. “Why am I in love with you?”
Oh. Alex was looking back at him and slowly joined him on the couch. They weren’t quite touching but they were still closer than socially acceptable. John couldn’t give a fuck.
“I’m asking myself the same question everyday,” Alex admitted. His voice was tainted with shame and guilt.
John put his hand under his chin to force the other man to look at him. Then he leaned in and kissed him sweetly. Alex responded immediately to the kiss, like he had been waiting for John to do that for months. And he had.
“Doesn’t matter why,” John murmured. “I do.”
“I love you too,” Alex ushered, like he was scared John would decide to keep being just friends. But instead, John pulled him in his lap and said good! before surging in for another kiss. This one was already more heated. It had been months, years since he’d wanted to do that. The other one was both familiar and new. Somewhere in John’s mind, a voice that had been there since high school told him that kissing Alexander Hamilton would never get old.
“Do you kiss all your friends like that Laurens?” Alexander asked, breathless when they eventually parted.
“Only when they send me flowers,” John smirked. “And those I kinda want to marry someday…” he added.
“Good to know,” Alex replied and dived back in.
It would take years before the two of them stood at the altar, peonies decorating their buttonhole and matching silver bands on their fingers. But it didn’t matter right then. They were together again, after all those years. They were ready to face all the challenges that would come with this new relationship – and there would be many. They were in love.