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Chapter Text

Thud! Thud. thud... thUD. thud. 

Silence.

tHUD thud THUDthud thud.

Silence.

Haru's steps were irregular as he paced in his room. Each step a little different depending on the thought that flowed through his head. He stopped for a moment, and glanced at his bed. The pencil-case from Rei already opened, the tip of one of them starting to dull down from use. A sketch book was dangerously clinging to the edge of the bed, it was left after a few futile attempts of Haru trying to vent out his feelings through art. It ended the same every time, with harsh lines scratching out whatever it was he was attempting to create on paper. He couldn't convey what he was feeling, not through art at least. 

Not when his heart was racing and his palms sweaty.

'They made me think of you.'  The memory of Rei's words resounded through his ears again, Haru flustered and started pacing again.

Haru's revelation of his feelings for Rei made him happy. Ecstatic even! Falling for Rei was not a problem, what was a problem was what Rei would think of it? His friends? Everyone! They were both boys and in the begining when Haru finally realized his feelings, gender didn't even occur to him. He was so caught up in Rei as a person rather than Rei as a man.

It was considered gay, but it didn't feel gay. Haru didn't feel gay, he felt normal. It didn't feel like he liked another man, it just felt like he liked Rei. A lot. Rei was selfless, and smart. He was handsome and easy to fluster. Rei always put his best effort into his work and he cared so much about his friends. He was weird and silly and everything inbetween that made Haru smile. He really, really liked Rei but by society norms a man falling for another man is gay no matter what how you felt or what you said about it. Which was fine, Haru never cared for labels and he certainly didn't care what the general crowd would think. What he did care about was how would Rei feel about it. What about his friends? How would they react?

And if by some amazing cosmic event that Rei didn't care as much about genders as Haru did, how would he even go about confessing? 

Confessing. Ugh. There was another boat ride of rapid heart beating and face melting nerves. Haru set aside his battered sketch book and put the pencils back in their case. He laid down on his bed, stomach down, his back facing the ceiling. He turned his head to the right to see the small bit of night sky from his window, frowning just a bit.

'Maybe I'll would never get a chance to confess.' Everything about this was new, and exciting but it was also ever so slightly heart breaking. He wondered if this was something that he would have to keep to himself for the rest of his life.

'But I don't want that.' He was just starting to open up again, to his friends, to Rei. Haru was still a quiet person but he wasn't so closed in anymore and he liked it. He didn't want to go back and be reclusive about everything, or just let something roll off his shoulders anymore. He wanted to take chances, he wanted to have fun with his friends, he wanted to be around Rei and he wanted Rei to want to be around him.

He tried to calm down, telling himself to just take it one step at a time but it didn't work. No matter what rational plan Haru could come up with, his nerves just wouldn't give him a break. 

Haru was terrified because this was more than just finding out he liked Rei. This was a revelation about himself that he knew would have an incredible impact on his life. He could only hope that it would do him more good than bad.

-

"You're kind of different lately." Nagisa said to Rei, looking up at him from the pool. In the middle of practice they were able to catch some down time. Nagisa stayed in the pool just because it was a nice day, and the water felt great, while Rei opted to sit at the edge. He gave he short friend a confused look, one eyebrow raised just slightly than the other one. What brought this on?

"Really? And what makes you say that?" Rei asked him cautiously. It was always a gamble when asking Nagisa to speak his mind.

"I don't know, but something is different," Nagisa answered, he lifted himself out of the pool, taking a seat next to Rei. "You're not keeping something from me, are you?" He questioned Rei with the most serious face he could rally up, which really just looked like an angry child's pout.

Rei sighed, "No, Nagisa-kun, I'm not keeping anything from you." He replied in a flat tone, partly wondering if Nagisa was scheming in his head and the other part of him wondering what he should get for dinner tonight.

"You do seem like something has changed about you, Rei." Makoto joined in the conversation, not too far from ear shot to begin with. Haru disappeared in the locker room, he had one of his 'I want to be left alone' expressions so Makoto decided to let him be for a little while. Taking a seat on the other side of Rei, he flashed him a smile. It was as mischievous as an infamous Nagisa smile which made Rei a bit nervous. "Something about you... it's hard to describe but... it's like you're more at peace." Which was true, Rei really had been a lot more laid back as of late, though he couldn't say the same thing about Haru. If anything Haru had been more jumpy lately, but that was a mystery to solve for another time, for now it was all about Rei.

"Oh no, I know that look. Don't even think you two are going to get something out of me because you're not!" Rei tried to scold but he only succeeded in fueling the two boy's curiosity. 'I should have worded that a bit better.' 

Makoto had a gleam in his eye and Nagisa wrapped his arms around Rei's shoulders. "Aha! So there is something!" Nagisa grinned. "C'mon, fess up, Rei-chan!" He started rocking Rei and himself side to side. 

"I'm not going to fess up to anything because there is nothing to fess up!" Rei retaliated but it had no effect on stopping Nagisa's never ceasing tomfoolery. "Rei~chaaan! I won't let go until you do~" Nagisa moved his arms from Rei's shoulders and snaked them around his torso. Squeezing him tightly and giggling while doing so. Rei placed his hands on Nagisa's shoulders, trying to push him away but his short friend had a grip as tight as a vice, he wasn't going to budge if he didn't want to. 

Rei continued to protest and Nagisa continued to aggresively cuddle Rei. He would rub his head on the top of Rei's chest and the crook of his neck just because he knew how much Rei hated feeling wet hair on him. Makoto started to laugh and he laughed even harder when the two struggled enough to fall back in the pool. Rei sputtering water; Nagisa completely unphased.

"Please, please, pleeeease! Rei-chan!" He pleaded, rubbing his head into Rei's neck again who was desperately still trying to push him away.

"Nagisa-kun! Don't do that! You're hair feels gross!" Makoto was still laughing, gripping his sides. He tried to control himself to help Rei but the convulsions would start-up again and he'd continue to laugh, he didn't even notice when Haru returned from the locker rooms.

"Nagisa!" Haru called out sternly, it was like someone cracked a whip in the air. Makoto yelped in surprise, all the laughter that bubbled out of him before instantly vanished. Nagisa and Rei froze. All three of them turned their heads to look at Haru, he looked royally pissed. Eyebrows furrowed together, a deep frown and a cold look in his eye and crossed arms. The glare directed straight at Nagisa and none of them could fathom why, nor did they have the gall to ask. Nagisa's grip stayed around Rei's torso, a little spooked to let go.

"Haru-chan?" Was all Nagisa could squeak out of his dry throat. He'd never really seen Haru thoroughly angry and the fact that  Haru pointed his vexation right at him didn't help the feel of shaky nerves. 

                            'Stop letting it get to you, he acts like that with everyone'

Makoto was looking up at Haru with a slack jaw, for as long as they'd been friends this was a side of Haru he'd never seen either, at least not out of the blue. He wasn't sure if he should intervene or let things play out. After an eternity and a half, Haru unfolded his arms, walking towards one of the starting blocks.

"Stop bothering everyone. It's not funny anymore." His command was cold and deafening even though he didn't shout.

"O-okay." Nagisa finally let go of Rei, swimming over to the side of the pool and lifting himself out. Haru's glare was not at the water, listening to the slosh of wet feet walk over to the bench. Then there was another pair of wet feet, following in same suit as Nagisa, he didn't have to look up to know it was Rei going to comfort his friend. 

"Haru? ... Are you okay?" Makoto asked, finally finding his voice.

"I'm fine." A quick reply. Haru got up on the starting block, adjusting his goggles over his eyes. 

"Haru. If something is bothering you, please tell me." Makoto's concern was equally matched up to his concern. He had no idea what to do or what to think. The only thing he did know was that Haru was not okay and he needed to know why.

"It's just. Suddenly not a good day." Was all Haru could say, he dived into the pool, praying that the water would wash away all of his jealousy.

-

The rest of practice was awkward, the only time anyone spoke was when they were calling times or when Makoto would announce the next practice set. Nagisa was completely deflated by the whole thing, it was even messing with his performance. It worried Rei, so on the last set they were going to do for the day, before Nagisa stepped on top of the starting block, he laid a hand on his shoulder.

Nagisa look at his friend with a small frown, Rei smiled. "Do your best, Nagisa." No honorifics in his encouragement.

Bright, fuschia eyes widened, a small dust of pink graced Nagisa's cheeks. Makoto was on the side with a stop watch. He blinked a few times then smiled, because to him that was a sign of Rei getting closer to the team. His smile disappeared though when he glanced over at Haru, his shoulders were slightly raised up and tucked in a bit, like an angry cat. Makoto couldn't see his face though, but he imagined it wasn't a happy one. 'Haru?'

                                                                                                         'It's nothing. It's nothing. Stop over analyzing it.'

Nagisa looked star struck. That was the first time Rei had even dropped the honorifics in his name and it felt like one hell of a compliment. "Rei-chan." He finally smiled and for just a moment the heavy air just got a tad bit lighter.

Haru walked over to Makoto and snatched the stop watch out of his hand. "Haru!" Makoto protested,Haru ignored it. The two younger members of the team looked at Makoto and Haru; Nagisa frowned again, that same glare from earlier, it pointed right at him and it zapped away whatever confidence he had for todays practice.

"Get ready, Nagisa." Haru said with a curt bite to his tone. Nagisa's start was a little off, at the end of his lap as he resurfaced his only welcome was a very annoyed Haru.

"That was too slow do it again." Haru stated. Nagisa complied, his time improved by two seconds on the second lap but Haru still looked angry. "Not good enough, do it again." So Nagisa did another lap because maybe that would get Haru off his back.

"The best you'll get is second place, do it again."

                                                                                                         "You'll be lucky if you get second place with that, another!"

Six laps. Nagisa did six laps and he was absolutely winded. 'How many more do I have to do?'

"Still not good enough! Anoth-" Haru started again but stopped mid-sentence when Rei grabbed the stop watch out of his hand. He look at Rei with eyes a bit wide, as if Haru had been slapped right out of a trance. Rei had a neutral expression but his eyes were serious, as if he was trying to scold Haru without words.

"That's enough, Haruka-sempai." Rei tossed the stop watch over to Makoto, he then helped Nagisa out of the pool, who had barely caught most of his breath. "You okay?" Rei asked and Nagisa nodded. Six laps wasn't that big of a deal, but at the end of practice it could be very taxing on the body, especially in the high stress environment Haru unconsciously put everyone in.

                  'You always give him all your attention, even when he's annoying you the most.'

A cold, draining feeling surged through Haru's body. He knew exactly what was compelling him to target Nagisa and he couldn't stop himself. This wasn't fair, none of this was fair. Not his jealousy, not Makoto's silence, not Nagisa's frown and definitely not Rei's disappointed look. 

'He always gets away with it.'

"Haru." Makoto finally spoke up. "What's wrong with you today?" He asked, completely worried about his friend. He'd never seen Haru act this way and he couldn't guess why. Silence was all the only answer he received. "Haru?" Makoto tried again and Haru booked it. 

"Haru-chan!"

"Haruka-sempai!" 

'Nagisa always acts like that.'

He heard the two call out to him, but ignored them. Once in the locker room Haru discarded his swim suit and wrapped a towel around his waist. He started digging through his bag, not bothering himself with a shower. He would take one as soon as he got home anyways, for now he just wanted out and he wanted out fast.

"Haru!" Makoto called out again, having follow Haru. "What's wrong? Why are you so upset today, this isn't like you." Haru stopped digging through his bag, his head bowed down just a bit.

"Am I not allowed to get upset?" He asked, continuing to dig through his bag for dry clothes.

'Nagisa is always greedy.'

"That's not it, Haru." Makoto was at a lost, he didn't know what to say to reach Haru and he couldn't even begin to imagine what he was thinking. "Haru, don't shut me out like this. What's wrong?" He pleaded desperately. 

'What makes him better than me?'

"I'll... I'll tell you later, Makoto. I promise. Just please. Just for today." Haru finally looked at Makoto, his eyes were shining with an emotion that Makoto could only relate to as heart ache. "Please don't ask me. I'm... it's... I want to go home."

-

Nagisa sniffed and wiped away a few tears. He was terribly frustrated and sad. "I don't get it, what did I do? Was I really that bad today?"

Rei put a small dry towel on top of Nagisa's head and ruffled his hair with it. "Nagisa-kun, you didn't do anything wrong." He reassured him. "I don't know why Haruka-sempai was so easily irritated with you but it's probably misguided rage. Try not to let it get to you, okay, Nagisa-kun?" Rei flashed a friendly smile, not wanting to see his close friend so distraught anymore.

"Nagisa." Rei blinked.

"Huh?" 

Nagisa looked up, his eyes still a bit puffy and red rimmed. "Earlier you called me Nagisa instead of Nagisa-kun." He sniffled a little.

"Oh. Yeah. I did." Rei had recalled it, at the time he did it to cheer up Nagisa because he knew it'd be a form of flattery for his friend. Which he was right, it worked if only for a little while. 

"Can you go back to doing that?" Nagisa asked, his voice cracked. Rei looked surprised, he didn't know that such a small gesture would mean so much to Nagisa. His smiled again, because it was endearing that his close friend would be happy just because of an honorific drop.

"Yes, I can, Nagisa." Eyes still watery, Nagisa managed a smile and it gave Rei high hopes that his friend would recover soon.

-

Haru's steps were heavy, his body on auto-pilot as he made his way home. He managed to leave before Nagisa and Rei made it back to the locker rooms, Makoto stayed behind to shower and more than likely to give Rei and Nagisa the reassurance that things will be okay. He said to call him if Haru needed to talk, which he wanted to. Haru really did want to vent to someone because that afternoon really sucked.

'I just wanted to talk to him.' Haru remembered.

Sundays shouldn't be the only day that him and Rei could have lengthy conversations, they should be close enough to talk to each other so extensively whenever they wanted to. But seeing Nagisa and Rei so comfortable with each other was a cold slap to the face, it was a cruel reminder to Haru that he really wasn't as close as he'd like to be with Rei. In comparison, they were barely above friends, he was fooling himself. He was the only one who thought they had finally reached a level more than team mates. 

'I've been barging in on his one day alone this whole time. He's polite to a fault, of course he won't tell him sempai to leave him alone.' What a lonely feeling, to fancy someone who didn't even notice you.

Nagisa was bright, confident, and bubbly. He was everything Haru wasn't and he was the one that Rei was closest to. He always did things so care-free, he didn't understand how to do that. How to walk up to someone when there were other people around and just start a conversation, how to cling to a person just because they made you happy, how to say 'I love you' so easily. Haru didn't know how to do that and it frustrated him so much.

His friend Nagisa was interesting, and Haru was not. In an unused room there was a large mirror posted up on the wall, as Haru entered it he took off his shirt and stepped in front of it, he hadn't really given himself a good look in a while. There was no need to before, he didn't have someone to impress so there hadn't been reason to evaluate himself. Things were different now.

He grimaced at his appearance, literally everything about him was opposite to Nagisa, not just in their personalities but in their looks too. His body was kind of slender, almost scrawny. Nagisa was small too but he was at that perfect amount of small that made him 'cute'. Haru was barely interesting, he was nowhere near cute. He sighed and stared at his face.

Nagisa had bright hair, and big bright eyes. 

Haru's eyes were narrow, slanted and cold, his own hair nothing special, just black and straight. '

Maybe I should change my look.'  He brought both his hands up to his face then pushed his bangs back, and frowned. 'I look stupid.'

He was so ordinary. And boring. And any part of him that was worth talking about could only be considered weird. A water obsessed boy who mostly ate just one type of fish and crafty with his hands. That was it, that was Haru's legacy. How the hell did he even make friends?

To see Nagisa - everything he wasn't- clinging to Rei, it sparked something in Haru that he couldn't contain like he normally could. His vindictive attitude towards Nagisa were personal and completely uncalled for but he really just couldn't stop it.

'I just wanted to talk to him, why do you always have to be around his neck? Why does he always let you?' 

What a mess.

What a blunder.

What a shitty friend he was.

-

"Haruka-sempai isn't here today?" Rei questioned when Makoto made his appearence at their spot on the roof for lunch, minus one Haru. Makoto shrugged his shoulders, the universal 'I dunno I guess' move. Yesterday's scene was strange, Rei had seen Haru angry before but never in such a hostility that Haru displayed the day before. It was worrying and somehow, Rei couldn't shake the feeling that he was partly to blame. He had no logic to the last thought, no reasoning or theory to back it up, it was simply a feeling that wouldn't go away.

Nagisa had his cheeks puffed up like a child, "Good. I didn't feel like dealing with him today." Rei narrowed his eyes and grabbed Nagisa's ear, pulling it just a bit. 

"Don't put yourself in an attitude that makes this situation worse than what it actually is, Nagisa." Rei wasn't taking sides, he just wanted Nagisa to not get riled up anymore than he already had been for the first half of the day. His small friend had exchanged his tears from yesterday to rants and huffs for today and Rei did not appreciate it one bit.

"Don't treat me like a child!" Nagisa pouted.

"Then stop acting like a child!" 

"Please stop, you two." Makoto intervened, not wanting another fight to start, though Rei gave him an apologetic look he was thoroughly ignored by Nagisa.

"Haru-chan is the one acting like some pompous bra- OW!" That got him a real good tug on the ear.

Rei gave Nagisa a stern look, not accepting any of his bitter temper today. "He's upset and I know that doesn't justify his actions but you should try to find out what's wrong instead of blindly retaliating back with petty insults." Rei finally released his ear, "Besides, he's your friend, Nagisa. Don't you think that's more than enough reason to forgive him?"

Nagisa sighed, he really hated the way Rei could calm him down when he really wanted to be angry. "I guess," His pout was back, "but why do I have to find out what's wrong with him? That's a job for Mako-chan."

"I think Rei is right, Nagisa." Makoto said with his usual beaming smile, "For some reason, whether it was intentional or not, Haru's directed his anger at you. He might bicker again but I think if it's you that asks him, you might find something out that Rei and I can't."

Rei flinched, he just realized something he hadn't before. "On second thought let's leave this to Makoto-sempai." He hadn't realized that Nagisa confronting Haru might lead to a fight that may or may not be on a hair-trigger. Really, who wants to see the person that was making them mad? He had a belief that Haru wasn't really upset with Nagisa but there was always room for him to be wrong.

"What~ Rei-chan, you just said-"

"I know but... You were right, this is a job for Makoto-sempai!" Rei said in a bit of a panic.

Makoto scrunched up his nose, he favored Rei's original statement - that Nagisa should ask Haru himself what was wrong - he didn't understand the sudden change of opinion because to him there was nothing wrong with talking it out with your friend. "... But you and Rin confronted each other in the past, and that turned out really well." Makoto brought up while he scratched his head, a little baffled with Rei.

Rei recalled that evening, looking back on it now , him and Rin were really close to duking it out. He never shared that part with his friends though and from the sound of it, neither did Rin. "Well... yeah... I guess... but..."

"Let's just drop it for now, it'd kind of depressing." Nagisa said and began digging into his bought lunch. Rei tugged at a piece of Nagisa's hair, not to enough to hurt him, it was just light enough to get Nagisa back into a playful mood. As much as he complained about Nagisa's rambunctious ways, it didn't mean he liked to see his friend so distressed. It seemed to have worked, Nagisa looked over to Rei and there was a passing of words without either of them having to utter a sentence, Nagisa smiled just a little bit and Rei gave one right back.

'Those two always have fun together.' Makoto thought. Without Haru there he, Makoto felt left out. He hasn't had much to say these past few days, it'd been harder and harder to read Haru and Rei seemed to have gaining his own place in the group. Makoto was the go-to guy and he'd be lying if he said he didn't like it. He liked attention from his friends, he liked when they went up to him for advice or comfort or even a good laugh.

There were times when he would doubt his own sincerity in his kindness, wondering if he was polite and extra caring just for the attention. But he couldn't really see himself acting any other way so that couldn't be true, Makoto wasn't the type of person to only be kind to someone just to expect something in return. He genuinely cared for his friends, it was just natural to want their attention. 

"Hey, Rei." Makoto moved a little closer to the two boys. 

"Yes, Makoto-sempai?" He responded, setting down a piece of his meal back into his bento box.

"So now that you're using Nagisa instead of Nagisa-kun, does that mean you'll start calling me Makoto instead of Makoto-sempai?" Rei almost choked on his own air, Makoto had those big droopy, bright puppy dog eyes and that excited smile that made a ridiculous contrast to how big the guy was.

'Like a gentle giant?' Rei thought.

"... um... well..." That face Makoto was making was really hard to deny. "I... don't think... I... can..." Rei said slowly, then bit his lip.

"What? Why?!" Makoto frowned and Rei had to look away. It really did feel like turning away from a puppy, he couldn't look at him or he'd give in.

"... It would kind of feel like calling my mother by her first name." Rei mumbled, not even caring that Nagisa was picking at his meal, he had to look away from those damned droopy puppy eyes!

"What?! No way! What does that even mean, I'm not your mother! Rei!" He cried out, trying to look at Rei but he would just turn his head a different way. The two looked like two parrots mimicking one another and Nagisa started to laugh with his mouth full of food.

"Nagisa, swallow your food first and stop eating my lunch!"

"Rei! C'mon, say it!"

"Impossible."

"It is not!"

-

It was already the evening, Haru had just dressed himself and started to towel off the water that was dampening his hair. He had wasted away the day, only venturing out to the market to get a few things for dinner, he took a detour through a small park but for the most part, it was a total drab.

He was ashamed the way he behaved the day before, acting out so suddenly and all because of a relationship that he knew was too fictitious to have outside of his daydreams. It was only the middle of the week but sunday was approaching faster than normal to Haru. He was so enthusiastic about sunday before, now it just made his stomach sink. There was no way Rei would want to see him after such a hideous display of jealousy. 

'I ruined it.'

He asked for too much and reality spat in his face when he did.

'I should've been content with his friendship.'

'I have no right to ask for more.'

'There was no way I could have the privilege to be more than your friend.'

The house bell rang, a part of Haru was grateful for the mild distraction from his insidious thoughts. He made his way to the front door, assuming it was Makoto visiting to check up on him. Opening the door, Haru was greeted with the very person who started the plight of his insecurities and doubts.

"Nagisa." It was barely a greeting.

"Haru-chan. Can I come in?" Haru gripped the handle, his curiosity yielding him from shutting the door in Nagisa's face. Not because he was angry but because he was still mortified with his inability to keep his emotions in check. Stepping to the side, Haru silently granted him permission to enter. The air between the two was stiff, Nagisa rigidly took a seat on the floor in the living room with the small table and Haru followed soon after, situating himself right across from Nagisa. Neither one of them knew what to say, or rather they did but they didn't know how to start.

"Everyone was worried about you today." Nagisa broke the silence, a small tug of a smile on his lips.

"I wasn't ill, I just didn't want to go to school today." Haru looked away, excuses running through his head a mile a minute. "Too much effort to get out of bed today."

"You won't get into a good university with that kind of attitude, Haru-chan." Nagisa was hopelessly tried to joke, he was usually pretty good at lifting up bad moods but this time was a little different. Haru sighed, he leaned his elbow on the table, using the palm of his hand to prompt up his chin. 

"Why are you really here, Nagisa?" Nagisa's eyebrows knitted close together, a bit of irritation bubbled up inside him but he kept himself in check, at least as much as Nagisa could.

"Why are you so angry with me?" That. Didn't come out as nice as he wanted. Crap. At least he didn't yell it.

"It was just a bad day."

"Then apologize." It was a command, not a request and it annoyed Haru.

"Too much effort." 

"Haru-chan!" Nagisa leaned over the table, the entire time Haru hadn't looked at him once, adding insult to injury. 

"Go home."

He was re-evaluating inviting Nagisa in, an interrogation was not something he wanted right now, not when he was teetering back and forth between stable and absolutely hay wire.

"Tell me why you're mad at me!" 

"I'm not mad."

"Yes you are!"

"I said I'm not."

"Then what are you?!"

Persistence was breaking away at Haru, the notion to run was tempting but he couldn't this time. His mind wouldn't allow him, his inner voice was so loud, yelling at everyone - including himself - so fast, it was hard to focus on anything. His face would flash from hot to cold, like the very poison of his thoughts manifested into hands, raking long fingers from his cheeks down to his chest, then resting like a heavy stone at the very bottom of his stomach.

"Haru-chan!"

This was ridiculous, his inner voice was so blaring, it clashed with his reasoning - he couldn't

he shouldn't                                                                                

                                  confusion                                                    lonely                          don't look at me

                                 stop asking                                                                                                                         look at me               

didn't                  go away                  is he ashamed 

Stop clinging to him!                                                       I'm not use to this                                                                Stop letting him! 

                                                 would they disapprove          of me                                    unnatural

just say something                     Stop looking at him

Stop pressuring me                                                                     Stop asking me    

 wouldn't             contempt                                                                                                      rejection                                                                                             embarrassment

"Haru-chan!" Nagisa yelled his name again, tired of being ignored. 

"I'm jealous!!" Haru snapped, his gaze intently stayed on his fisted hands on the table, he couldn't try to keep a calm demeanor even if the heavens begged him to. Nagisa almost bit his tongue, Haru was jealous? Of what? Small croaks of barely forming words would leave Nagisa but then break, to say he was anything less than bewildered would be the understatement of the year.

"Haru-chan. I don't understand. You're jealous? Jealous of what?" He couldn't grasp the idea of Haru feeling jealous. It wasn't in the guys nature, but then again maybe he didn't really know Haru as well as he liked to think.

At this point, Haru knew it would be fruitless to try to rebuttal his statement, Nagisa was too determined and he was too tired of holding back.

"I'm jealous... of how close of a friend you are to Rei." A shaky and tricky start but a start nonetheless. "When you're around..."   'I barely exist.'   "I just feel like background noise sometimes."

Nagisa nearly flailed, how long has his friend been feeling like this? He couldn't tell if he was that much of an inattentive person or if Haru was that good at hiding his emotions. "But he's your friend too, you shouldn't be jealous!" He protested.

"I know!" Haru retorded, "I shouldn't be jealous but I can't help it. I'm not on the same level as you, not even close. You're always the center of his attention, you know how to make him laugh and he's always forgiving when it comes to you. You're important to Rei, he won't forget you. By the time I graduate, I'll just be someone he use to swim with in high school. That's not going to happen with you"

"That's not true. Haru-chan! Rei-chan thinks you're swimming is beautiful and you were the closing deal why he joined the swim club in the first place! I don't think he would say or do something like that if you weren't someone remarkable to him." 

"Compliments aren't the same thing, Nagisa." Haru lifted his head, the intensity of those blue eyes almost made Nagisa hitch his breath, they were so sad. So sad and dark, he couldn't say anything more and he wouldn't because this was a rare moment for Haru to release whatever was eating him up inside.

"I'm not someone important enough to stay in his life."

In the thickness of this bizarre and almost inhumane judgement of Haru's own self-worth, Nagisa had a thought. Eyes wide and a bit of slack jaw, this small bit of insight into Haru's mind left him with just one question. 

"Haru-chan. Do you like Rei-chan?" 

There were several ways to respond to the question. If Haru was a bit more kind to a fault like Makoto, he would answer it with a blush and stuttering words, shyly confessing and smiling the whole time. If he was as out-going as Nagisa, he would have proudly announce his feelings, boasting even.

Hell if it was Nagisa, the question wouldn't be asked in the first place, having beaten the crowd and have shout it out to the world; 'I love Rei-chan!'. If he was passionate like Rin, he would be able to tell you straight forward, sure and confident but probably not as in-your-face as Nagisa would be. It'd be more of a 'I do, got a problem with it?' type of deal.

But Haru was none of those things, he was not at constant with himself, he only allowed fleeting moments of courage, anger and love to pass through. 

He was a little sheltered. Stoic. Quiet. A little strange and at the moment, terrified.

"Don't tell him." 

There were things that were easier said than done, this was not one of those things. Words had power to them, they could sometimes do so much more damage than any physical pain could. If Haru was to say that he liked Rei, there could be so much more dread coming his way than just the fear of rejection.

He knew very well that the somber gravity of the situation had the very real possibility of losing his friends, because not everyone was accepting to these types of relationships. These certain types of sentiments were always misunderstood and quite often, they were horrendously ridiculed and mocked. Not that peoples opinions ever mattered to Haru, but his friends opinions... that mattered.

"I don't want him to know. I don't want anyone to know!" 

He had no one to talk to about these feelings and Haru never envisioned that he would ever have to in his life. Romance of any kind was white noise for most of Haru's life. It existed, he knew what it was, he wasn't a clueless idiot about social statuses, relationships and deemed norms. But because he never pictured it, never truly gave deep thought to it, Haru had the audacious notion that it wasn't so complicated as others made it seem.

How horribly wrong he was.

"Please don't tell anyone!"

If you have ever experienced 'unusual' love then you could understand exactly what Haru was going through.

"It's not normal, right? It's freaky, isn't it?!"

"Haru-chan, calm down." 

And if you haven't you couldn't possibly imagine it.

Haru was in panic. "What's wrong with me?" Haru's voice almost cracked, he wasn't crying but that made it so much more heart wrenching. Nagisa couldn't stand it anymore, he shuffled over to his friend, hitting his knee on the edge of the table in his hurry but it didn't bother him. 

"Haru-chan, it's okay!" Nagisa held Haru in a tight embrace, his fuchsia eyes were glossy, on the verge of tears. Haru had been in a flurry of emotions and none of them even noticed. It was easy to forget that Haru was just a normal human being because he was so aloof and stoic, but even he had a breaking point. Waves of guilt came crashing down on Nagisa, any bit of exasperation he had towards Haru earlier that day had vanished.

"There's nothing wrong with you, really there isn't!" Nagisa wasn't entirely sure what to say to comfort Haru, this was a fragile moment, it could easily head south if he didn't choose his words wisely. 

"There's nothing wrong with you, Haru-chan." Nagisa repeated for good measure. Haru was so stiff in his arms, it was like trying to calm a petrified cat. His breathing was shallow, and Nagisa could swear that when Haru would hold his breath every so often, it was an indication that he was gaining the courage to say more. Time felt slow but from the aching feel of their limbs more must've passed by than either of the two boys realized. 

"Haru-chan?" A twitched of an arm told Nagisa that Haru was listening.

"You'll be okay. Okay?" 

Haru remained silent. Still distraught and upset but he didn't feel so alone. Not with Nagisa next to him. Amongst all the fear and doubts in Haru's head, in the back recess of his mind, he was extremely grateful for friend like Nagisa. Haru reminded himself to thank him later.