Chapter Text
The whole day was tense, Bruce was trying his best to not get affected by the fact that Jason was ignoring him, drowning himself in more work. The good thing about being hyper-focused on work to avoid your emotions was that you got stuff done, the bad thing was that after 4 hours of working he had nothing else to do. Zatanna had found some items that could potentially have caused the current situation but she was not sure yet.
She luckily refrained from teasing Bruce when they called, that should have helped but only made him feel embarrassed, it was obvious he had cried or at least, it was obvious that he was heartbroken, because his co-worker would have never pass an opportunity to tease him, specially with him making mistakes.
“I will have to run some tests on this things, the magic seems strong but I don’t think there’s anything that would explain the regression….” She had said and smiled softly “Good thing is that you get to have the little birds for a while now, whatever this is doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon, but I’ll call you if I get any new information”
That was one hour ago, he was now sitting on the couch, Alfred would have called it moping, but the man had his hands full with starting dinner, Bruce had forgotten he had raised a bunch of picky eaters, everyone had their own little restrictions except… Jason, the kid was a vacuum for food.
The reminder of his kid made Bruce sigh, he wanted to explain himself, he needed to. Having Jason feel like he was a problem, something that Bruce wanted to get rid of was less than ideal… But he also knew his kid, Jay had always been stubborn and his emotions usually clouded his logic, approaching him now was useless it would end in confrontation and more potential hurt.
“You looks sad.” Duke said patting Bruce’s leg trying to get his attention.
The man raised an eyebrow looking down at the little kid, he didn’t even hear Duke waddling to him. Duke tilted his head to the side looking at him expectantly and Bruce couldn’t help but smile fondly, lifting him up and setting the 4 year old in his lap
Looking at him more closely —And without the frantic adrenaline of the day before— he was starting to understand Stephanie when she talked about cuteness aggression. He had known Duke was adorable as a kid, everyone did, but now it was confirmed as chubby cheeks pouty lips and big eyes looked at him, he looked like a little angel and Bruce wanted to squish him tight.
“Why you sad?” He asked looking up and interrupting Bruce’s thoughts.
“I’m not sad buddy” he lied.
This made Duke frown. Dissatisfied with Bruce’s answer he decided to stand up on Bruce’s legs and slapped both hands on his cheeks grabbing his face and making an intense eye contact. If he wasn’t this cute maybe Bruce would be intimidated… actually Bruce was kinda intimidated, the toddler had a really intense stare.
For a moment it was silent, Bruce was expecting Duke to say something or give up, but the little boy was staring directly into his eyes searching his soul for the answer with a concentrated frown.
“Alright, you got me!” He said giving up and resisting the chuckle that wanted to escape when Duke smiled proud of himself “I am sad because I made a mistake, and hurt the feelings of someone.”
“Who?” Duke asked tilting his head curiously
“Someone I care about.” He decided to keep it vague, no need to vent his poor parenting skills to his toddler. “I made him feel like I don’t love him”
“Jumpy boy.” the kid said suddenly lighting up as he had a big revelation, Bruce was just confused.
“Jumpy boy? What do you mean?”
“Jumpy boy! He sad too!” He said letting go of Bruce’s face and clapping his hands.
“Jason is sad too?” Bruce asked and Duke nodded enthusiastically, he was very excited about putting the clues together it seemed.
Maybe a little too excited, because he tried to jump, forgetting he was on Bruce’s legs and not holding into anything. The lack of support made him fall backwards. Bruce eyes widened as he quickly grabbed the boy’s arm and yanked him close to his chest.
A tense silent followed, Bruce exhaled shakily unable to let go of the kid that was now pressed to his chest and in a state of shock.
“Are you okay kiddo?” Bruce asked pulling him away slightly to look at his face, and that seemed to make Duke snap out of it.
In seconds they went from stunned silence to wailing.
“Oh bud, it’s okay… you are not hurt, yeah? Just a little scare.” Bruce tried holding his head and soothing his back.
He was silently thanking his past self for training his fast reflexes, but he wished he had trained his parenting skills too. He got up trying to bounce Duke to calm him down but nothing was working. Shushing made him cry louder, humming made him start wriggling around in Bruce’s arms, nothing was working and after five minutes Bruce was about to cry himself.
“Having trouble sir?” Alfred asked holding a small baby blue blanket in hand approaching them.
“What’s that?” Bruce asked trying to keep his voice from cracking, to at least save some dignity.
Alfred hummed and crouched enough to look at the crying kid, he wiped some tears with the back of a finger and smiled “Hello there young sir, I thought this might be of your liking” he said holding the blanket in Duke’s range of vision.
Bruce was amazed at how quick everything turned around. Duke gasped and grabbed the blanket tight holding it to his face and sighing before settling into Bruce’s shoulder again, this time calm and humming contently.
“And what do we say now young one?”
“Fhank yuu” he mumbled muffled by the blanket, satisfied Alfred straighten himself and looked at the stunned Bruce.
“How?”
“I have my tricks, been taking care of kids my whole life… thanks to you that is.” Alfred huffed cleaning a tear from Bruce’s face, when did he start crying? “You made this to yourself dear, having kids was your idea”
“I adopted teens.” Bruce sniffled letting Alfred wiped his tears, he was feeling a kid himself “The youngest was 9, none of them cried this much…”
“They did cry, you just never noticed.”
“Oh.” And then the actual tears started to roll down, he tried his hardest to keep himself together but it was impossible.
Everything hit him like a punch to the gut. The lack of sleep, all the stress from the situation and the non-stop screams and cries, the fact that he was already making the same mistakes and the fact that he now remembered… He was now reminded of how bad of a parent he had been.
“I was the worse…” He hiccuped
Alfred’s lips parted slightly and his eyes widen before he sobered his expression. It made sense that he was surprised, after all, Bruce was not an emotional man the last time Alfred has seen him cry was ages ago, and clearly not in this way.
“You were not the worse.” The butler said cupping his face softly “My boy, you were not the perfect father but i promise you did a decent job”
“Really?”
Alfred huffed and nodded “You did need a lot of help, but for being so young and unprepared you did a decent job” he hummed “You know your children Bruce.”
“Do I?” He asked and hated how his voice waver, it had been two days, how is he already breaking down.
“You do.” Alfred insisted “You can tell me what’s master Dick’s favorite plushie, you can tell me what book master Jason loved the most when he was this young.” He smiled grabbing a handkerchief and offering to Bruce “you can probably tell me all that and more, but if you overthink about your actions and how they will react, if it will go good or bad… well, you already know what happens sir.”
Bruce nodded smiling to himself, he indeed could name all those stuff. He knew Dick’s favorite plushie was an elephant, Jason red “Robin Hood” at least 20 times when he first came into the manor, he started reading longer books pretty quickly and was reading what Alfred read on the daily by 10 years old, Dick struggled a lot with food while Jason ate anything he was given, Tim never had issues but he would never ate something made by Bruce— A wise choice. If he thought hard enough he could remember what Cass first complete phrase was and when was the first time he caught Damian trying to play with toys trying to be “a real kid”. But was having a good memory actually being a good father?
“You were emotionally absent.” Alfred said as if he had read Bruce’s mind “You can change that.”
With those words and a sympathetic smile the butler left. Bruce sighed cleaning the last of his tears and planting kisses to the side of Dukes head. “I can change that…” he mumbled smiling as he heard the soft snore of the kid, of course he fell asleep.
“I will change that.”
ཐི ₍^.ˬˬ.^₎ ཋྀ
“Have you seen Jason?” Bruce asked Tim.
After putting Duke to bed Bruce had headed out in search of his son, he first checked his room but Jason was not there, he searched around the house but after looking around all of the library and the training room he gave up and started to ask.
He first asked Dick:
“As if I would know.” Dick had huffed and kept practicing his tricks, flying from one trapeze to the other with ease.
He had been practicing too much, Bruce could see it in his labored breathing, he made a mental note to talk about that after he resolved this thing with Jay
His interaction with Cass was pretty much as useful as the one with Dick, the girl tilted her head before shrugging and shutting the door in his face. So Tim was his last chance.
“Uhh… I think he was outside some moments ago.” Tim said frowning to himself and nodding “But then he came rushing in and went that direction” he said pointing at Bruce’s private study.
“Did he look upset?”
“Uuh… kinda, but he told me ‘fuck off’ when I tried to get in” Bruce’s froze for a second before nodding, he was probably overthinking it but the only reason he found for Jason to be so upset was the last thing he needed to happen right now.
“Thanks bud, why don’t you go help Alfred with dinner?” He said softly ruffling Tim’s hair, the kid nodded and run away.
For a moment Bruce stayed silently looking at the old wooden door, he was doubting if this was the best idea, what if Jason wanted to be left alone? besides it could be that he just was annoyed, Bruce’s hypothesis could be incorrect and he would be worrying about nothing. On the other hand, there was a small chance that he was correct, that Jason had seen his name on a tombstone and was now having a meltdown.
He walked to his study stopping at the door and trying to listen in. He could hear broken sobs and rapid breathing, maybe the small chance was a very big chance now. he sighed relieved when he tried the handle and the door opened “Jay? I’m coming in”
As the door opened, he was met with a heartbreaking scene. Jason was sitting on the floor, holding his knees to his chest and breathing rapidly, one of his small hands was tugging on his hair, he was holding a crumbled piece of paper in his other hand which Bruce could guess was his death certificate. The floor was full of scattered papers and empty boxes.
Jason didn’t even look at Bruce as the man crouched in front of him. He was startled when a hand was placed on the back of his neck “Easy… it’s just me.”
“B…” he hiccuped looking up and Bruce just squeezed the back of his neck a bit, he remembered how that usually seemed to ground Jay, although he also remembered how hard it was to calm him down before he hyperventilated himself.
“Breath.” He instructed shifting to sit down but still keeping his hand in place.
“C-can’t… hurts” he hiccuped, starting to panic as the panic attack didn’t stop.
Bruce stayed steady, he just guided his free hand to the kids chest “Breath with me. In…” he exaggerated his inhale and waited for Jason to try “and out…”
“hurts… m-make it sto-”
“Breath in…” Bruce ignored the pleading, even if it broke his heart he knew he had to keep the boy from spiraling, and that meant keep his focus on one thing. Luckily Jason tried this time, he took a hiccuped breath and let go with a sob “That’s it keep trying Jay…” another one this time shaky but not broken “You are doing good kid”
It took a long 10 minutes of breathing to get Jason in some normal pace. Enough to the next step at least.
“Can you tell me where you are?”
“H-home…?”
“Mhm, and who am I?” Bruce asked noticing how tired Jason seemed
“dad…” He finally breathed out
And then, he went lax, the adrenaline dissipating and leaving him exhausted leaning into one of the old bookcases.
“I am dead.” He whispered voice rough as Bruce sat besides him and let him use his arm as a pillow “you didn’t look at me cause I remind ya of your dead kid.”
“You were dead.” Bruce corrected adjusting his position so he could brush his hand through Jason’s hair, the rebellious curls catching on his fingers. There was no use on lying, “You died at 15, you were resurrected… but it brought back some consequences, and I-” he stopped and breathed slowly, being honest about this was harder than he expected.
“You what?”
“… I…. Well, I took bad decisions, made you feel unwanted, replaced… We fought and we grew apart” he smiled sadly.
“Oh…” the kid was silent for some second before he added “Are… Are we still… fighting?”
“No…” Bruce sighed “But we are not friendly either… It’s complicated, I really messed up and you are rightfully, resentful.”
“Do you miss me?” Jason asked quickly, voice small, afraid of the answer.
“I do… There’s no day I don’t regret how I handled things… I wish you still called me dad and that I could… there’s a distance that seems to be impossible to close.” He said softly looking down “you remind me that I was a bad father, and it’s a hard truth to accept.”
Jason looked up and sighed before looking back down and snuggling closer “You should tell big me this.” He mumbled playing with Bruce’s jumper “I’m stubborn, but I could never hate you… you are my dad.”
“What if you do hate me?” Bruce asked now small himself “What if I can’t redeem myself from my past? What if—”
“What if I don’t? And I’m just waiting for you to budge first.” Jason interrupted looking up “And if I hate you at least you were honest with me, right?”
“You are too smart.” Bruce huffed ruffling his hair.
“Daad! Stop!!” The squeal that escaped his son was like a caress to Bruce’s soul.
“I love you.” He smiled down and chuckled as the boy flushed and hugged him to hide his face.
“Love you too…”
For a while they just sat there, Bruce’s back resting on the bookcase, Jason leaning into his side, head resting on his chest as Bruce’s hand brushed his hair soothingly. It was finally calm. Bruce’s mind was already wondering if he could actually make amends with big-Jason, this conversation made it look possible.
“Can we read something?” Jason yawn making him smile.
“Sure, let’s go to the library, I still have that old copy of Robin hood” He hummed getting up and offering his hand to Jason.
“And you’ll do all the voices?” the kid asked between yawns holding his hand and following him out of the study
“Do I look like I am crazy?” Bruce gasped “Of course i will!”
That made Jason giggle and for a moment, everything seemed to be fine.
ཐི ₍^.ˬˬ.^₎ ཋྀ
They sat in one of the libraries armchairs, Bruce holding the book in hands and Jason sitting on his lap looking down at the book eyes already heavy.
“… Now it was told before how two hundred pounds were set upon Robin Hood’s head, and how the Sheriff of Nottingham swore that he himself would seize Robin, both because he would fain have the two hundred pounds and because the slain man was a kinsman of his own” Bruce continued to read, keeping his voice steady hoping that Jason would let himself fall asleep “…Now the Sheriff did not yet know what a force Robin had about him in Sherwood, but thought that he might serve a warrant for his arrest as he could upon any other man that had broken the laws; therefore he offered fourscore golden angels to anyone who would serve this warrant”
“Sheriff stupid…” Jason murmured to himself getting more comfortable leaning all his weight on Bruce’s chest “dosn't know whads comin...”
“mhm “…But men of Nottingham Town knew more of Robin Hood and his doings than the Sheriff did, and many laughed to think of serving a warrant upon the bold outlaw, knowing well that all they would get for such service would be cracked crowns;” Bruce continued smiling to himself as he noticed Jason’s eyes start to close.
He kept reading, read the whole first chapter to make sure that Jason was deep asleep before even thinking of getting up. He thought of waking him up for dinner but he didn’t have the heart to interrupt the sleep of the angelic looking kid, so instead he got up and gently maneuvered him to make sure he was comfortable before he started to make his way to Jason’s bedroom.
As he walked down the long halls of the Wayne manor he started to think. He knew his job was far from done, Jason might feel a bit better but he still had to process all of today and he was not his only kid. Dick was still angry, Cass didn’t get out of her room except for eating, Duke was still scared… The only ones who seem okay were Tim and Damian, although he wasn’t that sure about Tim, something about the nonchalance act seemed off, how could a kid be SO calm in the house of a stranger without their parents? Duke seemed terrified when he remembered he wasn’t with his mom and dad, it seemed weird that Tim was not.
He finally made his way to Jason’s room, gently placing him in bed, taking off the red hoodie and making sure he was comfortable before pulling the covers up and snugly around his body. “Sleep well son” he whispered kissing his forehead gently and turning off the nightlight.
He tiptoed out of the room, closing the door as gently as he could before letting out a sigh. He was exhausted himself but he had to go down for dinner, give the poor Alfred a hand. And so he did, he went down to the dining room, instantly he had Damian handed to him with a baby bottle already prepared, Alfred indeed needed a hand. The baby glared at him, it was a bit uneasy how terrifying he could look reminded Bruce of an angry Talia which only made a shiver run up his spine, although that was quickly changed as soon as the bottle was placed in his mouth, his eyes going wide as he hungrily drank his warm milk.
“How can he look so scary and adorable at the same time?” Bruce asked as Alfred set the plates on the table.
“He is your son.”
Bruce rolled his eyes
“What's that supposed to mean?” He was going to fight before he realize something.
Tim and Cass were sitting together, the girl already eating with her hands, much to Alfred’s displeasure. Tim was eating politely, the manners of a kid raised in high society, Duke was trying to copy him but Dick was nowhere to be seen.
“He is in his room, said he wasn’t hungry and fell asleep” Alfred explained before Bruce could even ask.
“Did he fell asleep or pretended to be asleep?”
“I saved a portion for him.” was all that Alfred answer.
Dinner went alright, there was no conversation, only Duke asking stuff to Cass and nodding before continuing to talk, the girl seemed happy to not have to talk herself and almost endeared with the little boy who was excited to have an imaginary conversation with her. Tim stayed silent although Bruce felt his gaze lingering on him when he got up and excused himself to put the now sleeping Damian to bed.
Once Damian was in the crib and the baby monitor was set Bruce started walking back to the dining room but something made him stopped at Dick’s bedroom door. He could swear he heard some movement in but when he opened the door quietly to see if the boy was sleeping he could see Dick in bed, facing away from the door. To anyone the kid was clearly asleep but Bruce was not anyone, he knew how to read body language and the kid was too tense, his breathing not deep enough to be asleep.
He took a step inside and was about to talk when a distant cry interrupted him. Bruce sighed turning around and making sure to close the door, he would have to talk with Dick tomorrow for now, he had more urgent matters at hand.