Chapter Text
the blood ran down their arm. the metal blade slashed across their skin, again and again. tears blurred their vision, but they didnt care anymore, not about anything. they didnt care as the blade dragged over scars that had already been there for too long. silence had engulfed the bathroom, and the slight ringing of their phone could be heard from where it had been laying on their bed. their glasses and jumper has been thrown carelessly on the floor, forgotten as they ruined their body again. they were stupid and horrible, such a horrible person. everything they did, everything they said, everything was bad. hand gripping the bathtub, they shook as they stood up, face reflecting from the glass divider of it. their barely visible eyes were dazed, and their hair was frizzy. they chucked the blade on the side behind the sink, and mindlessly walked to the kitchen. it seemed like they were being controlled in a way, like always with these STUPID addictions. thoughts raced through their head, so fast that it seemed there werent any at all. opening the cupboard, their hand cupped over the familiar shape of a bottle of silver liquor. they opened it, and took a big gulp. it was cheap and burned their throat, leaving a weird taste on their ttongue. it was fizzy due to the sprite the mixed in, which never helped. they drank at least half the bottle, feeling their vision getting blurry and their head spinning. wiping their tears, they put the bottle in the cupboard again, and slumped on the floor.
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dollie woke up in the hospital. they rubbed their eyes, hair brushed against their hand, and they looked around. an iv strip out their arm, bandages on their arms, and a heart monitor steadily beeping beside their bedside. it was dark outside, and the alarm clock said 2:14am. they whined from the pain, that was shooting all through their body while trying to sit up. they knew the doctors were sick of them. they came here so many times, alone and hurt. all of their family members were dead, so no one could stop them from their attempted suicide or any dangerous things they did. the head doctor even had a key to unlock their house, although not without permission - a nurse or doctor would call them every few days, and if they didnt awnser then they had to check up. if they declined the call though, the person knew they were sick of the calls. in fact they WERE very much sick of the calls. they were ill, very ill, with addictions still here and ones from the past that hurt them. they were not happy about being called every few days, and having to say 'yes, they were fine, and no they werent currently bleeding out in the bathroom, or doing hard drugs.' it was so difficult, and what might be surprising to the doctors is that they did not want to end it. they didnt want to die, not at all. in their opinion, it was too much of a struggle, and they would have to plan out everything. plus, because their whole family was dead, no one could send them away to a mental hospital, so that was one good thing. "hi!" someone said, and they looked up. she, whoever she was, glowed slightly. she had a purple sleeveless top on, with white shorts. she also had pale white skin, and a comforting smile. putting their glasses on, dollie looked again. nope, still there and still glowing. "im cam! whats your name?" she asked, floating closer to them. "i-im dollie. are you- are you real?" they asked, reaching a hand out to touch her. surprisingly, though cam looked like a ghost, their hand rested on her cheek. "your pretty." they blurted out, turning round more to face her. cam looked surprised, and a slight blush formed on her face. "w-well thanks! id say you are pretty cute too!!" she giggled, and floated over to rest next to cam on the bed. her hand layed gently on theirs, and it was soft. their wings flapped slightly, and they looked back up at her. "not to be rude, w-why are you here?" they asked, and she appeared to be in thought. "if im being honest, im not really sure either.." she responded, looking around the room. right then, a nurse walked in, and cam disappeared. "dollie? you can go home now, whenever youre ready." the nurse - jenny - said to them, then walked back out. cam came back then, looking at them. "sorry about that.. cant really let others see me." she explained, and floated cross-legged in the air. "thats alright!" dollie responded, and got up. they put their coat on, zipping it up all the way. cam held their arm, and they stopped, turning around. "ill meet you outside ok?" she disappeared again, and dollie nodded. they gathered all their stuff - well, the little stuff they had - and walked out the exit.
cam appeared beside them, and she walked beside them to their apartment. dollie was tired, too tired, all these damn mental illneses and chronic whatevers were draining. they got opened another monster. yes, it was 5am and they were having a monster. it was good and all, but it just made them more sleepy. they took their coat off before sitting on the sofa, and cam sat carefully next to them. "do you want some." they asked, handing her the can. "oh! sure!!" she happily took the can, and took a sip. dollie took it back, and put it on the table. then, cam was right infront of their face. "you look... REALLY tired, are you ok? she leaned close, too close, but also looked concerned. "i-im fine..." they responded, but she didnt look convinced. she looked at dollie a bit longer, and then gave them a hug; it was warm, soft and nice. they hadnt gotten a hug in a long time, it felt like being freed from the imaginary metal chains that always dragged them down. after a bit, cam pulled away, and dollie just yearned for that again - to be loved and held and treated nice for once. they both still looked at each other for a moment, and then cam gently lent her head on their shoulder. god, she was as light as a feather, and so soft on their skin. "im gonna go have a nap.." they said and cam nodded. they got up to have some medicine; mainly to help with pain, partly to help with sleep. they walked upstairs, laying on the soft covers on their bed. after a bit they felt cam's presence beside them (she just had some sort of recognisable "oh theres someone near you" type of thing). dollie blinked their eyes open wearily, and held cam's hand. "can i get in bed with you?" she asked, and they nodded. she wrapped her arms around them, a leg around their lower half. right before they fell asleep, the soft touch of cam's cheek against their's made them blush a bit.
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dollie woke up and groaned quietly, looking to the clock on the wall. tick tick tick, 12:05pm , tick tick tick. that damn clock, always ticking. it got on their nerves but they never bothered to get a different one. they noticed cam had moved off them slightly, probably just from moving around in sleep. they shuffled out from under her, and walked to the bathroom. they stopped short though, and looked down at their clothes. right, they were still in a hospital gown. they walked back and grabbed some clothes and their glasses, and went to get changed in the bathroom. they switched to new clothes, as quickly as they could with the slight pain, and took off the bandages that covered their arms next. they chucked the bandages in the bin, and then saw the blade on the floor. they didnt say anything, just picked it up and wiped the blood clean off with a damp cloth. they held their arms up to look though, baggy sleeves rolling down to their elbows. stupid. stupid. Stupid. STUPID. STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID ST- *knock knock* “dollie? are you alright in there?” it was cam. they blinked, and let their arms fall to their side, feeling the soft sleeves of their jumper slide down. “yeah, im ok.” they said bluntly, and opened the door. they stumbled back, though, as cam jumped forward and pulled them into a hug, floating slightly. “oh oh thank god, i thought you might have been hurt..” they pulled back, floating to the ground and held their hands. “uh.. yep, dont worry. i was just changing” they replied, and cam moved out the way so they could get out. she floated behind them, following as they went to the kitchen. cam went over to the couch, and layed down on it. dollie watched her as her breathing softened. a slight blush spread on their face. surely i cant be in love? i dont deserve it, let alone from someone like her. she might not even be real, she didnt awnser my question about that when we met.. they thought, and turned to get stuff to make food. despite their thin frame, and what people thought, they did eat. well, sometimes. having an eating disorder did make it difficult. they put their headphones on and played a song on repeat, while doing the stupid process of making spicy ramen, something they knew too well how to do. they put the lid on the pot then grabbed a monster from the fridge, cracking it open. even if people told them that constantly drinking monster was bad, they nodded and stayed quiet - despite knowing that the reason for it was to help quit alcohol, they never told anyone though.
they took a few sips, and walked over to the sofa. the noises from the kitchen softened and quieted, as they walked closer to cam. she looked so peaceful. a slight rise of jealousy and anger rose in dollie, but they pushed it down. they moved to sit crossed legged on the tablet and hesitated for a bit, taking another sip from the can. “im not sure but i think i love you. its hard for me to figure out my feelings. can you tell me.. if you love me too? its alright if you dont, not many people do.” they looked to the side, not really knowing what to say. “oh.. this is stupid, im sorry. just ignore that.” they mumbled, hoping it was quiet enough. they got up, and went to check on the noodles. they put 2 packets in this time, they hadnt eaten in a while; not like it mattered. they put the ramen into a bowl, grabbed chopsticks, and sat on the sofa near cam. they didnt even notice that cam was blushing, or that she was awake. “i-i do love you, but its complicated and i cant…” she said, nervousness in her voice, and dollie jumped a bit. “oh sorry if i scared you..” cam apologised, and they nodded. “no, its alright. just.. you can explain about that while i eat, if you want.” they started eating, and cam hesitated a bit. she then looked confused. “i.. cant. i dont know why, i just cant say it.” she sighed, and leaned back on the sofa. “im sorry..” she looked to them, a slight guilty look in her eyes. “hey hey, its alright” they assured her, and stopped for a moment before leaning in and gave her a kiss, but immediately felt weird about it. she looked happier though, and floated a bit off the sofa, rocking back and forth subtly. dollie just shrugged off what she said, and finished off the ramen. “do you normally uh.. go outside? like do cool stuff!” cam asked, and moved closer to them. “not really… i dont go out lots unless its cold and the park is emtpy. i can like get a drink and stuff, sit alone for a bit, you know?” they saw out the corner of their eye that she nodded. “would you want to go out today? we could hang out for a while, it might be fun!” she looked to them, and they thought for a moment. “alright, ill just get ready first.” they put the bowl in the sink, and went upstairs to get changed. they put some baggy shorts on, and red converse - basically the only clothes they had. they brushed their hair, and curled it so was slightly less frizzy and messy. when they went downstairs, they saw that cam had a different outfit. she looked pretty. she seemed to be trying to fix her hair, then noticed they were back downstairs. “oh your back, you look nice!” she exclaimed, and skipped happily over to them. “how do i look?” she floated a bit, and did a little spin in the air. dollie smiled, for what was probably the first time in a while, and nodded. “yeah, you look awesome.” they replied, trying to add some emotion to their stupid dull tone of voice.
“welll… should we go now?” cam asked, and looked at them. they nodded, and went to get the keys to open the door. cam followed behind them, and went outside while they locked the door. “its cold out here..” cam then shrugged, “i dont mind though!” she looked around, and crouched down to look at the flowers. they looked over too. the flowers were growing out of the concrete, with the grass, with little dew drops. the flowers were blue, in little clusters. dollie was too distracted and also dissociating a bit, to even realise cam had gone next to them. “you alright?” they jumped a bit at the sound of her voice, but responded anyways. “yeah, im ok, just uh.. zoned out a bit.” cam nodded, and then held their hand softly. their wings fluttered a bit, then they started walking a bit. cam walked with her, and they lead her to the park. it took a while, it was nice though. the cold breeze ran through dollie’s hair, sending goosebumps up their arms. they shivered slightly, but felt cam squeeze their hand a bit tighter, her warmness filling their hand. the two of them got to the park some point later and cam skipped to the swings. “oh oh, i havent been on a swing in so long!” she exclaimed, and started swinging. dollie smiled. she looked so happy, so young. as she swung higher, they could see the slight transparency of her. was she a ghost? were they hallucinating again? wouldnt matter, plus their hallucinations werent this.. vivid. they hadnt really been this happy in a while, yet alone from someone else. they felt something light fall on their hand, and looked down. a small wet spot. rain? but when it happened again, they saw it was snow. it fell more, and definetly more heavy this time, starting to slowly cover their jumper. they heard cam squeal. “snow? i love snow!!!” dollie looked up, and saw her staring at the sky. the snow fell quicker than normal, coating the ground and their clothes with a thin cover. when they looked back to cam, her clothes were covered in snow too, a slight layer. they looked around, seeing the snow begin to pile up on the rocky concrete. they felt a thud on their side then, and looked down. snow splattered on their jumper. they looked up and saw cam giggling. smiling, they crept up behind her while she was still laughing, and pulled her into a bear hug. cam squealed a bit, and the two of them fell backwards, dollie being a cushion to protect her from the possible harsh landing.
they both were silent for a moment before bursting into laughter. “well-” dollie started, giggling. “thats the revenge for throwing a snowball at me!” cam gasped in response, as if offended. “well thats YOUR fault for being in the way of my beautiful snowball skills.” she rolled off them, and sputtered as of the snow getting in her mouth. they looked at her, having fun. this was nice. they gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, and then looked back at the snowy sky. they took of their glasses, closed their eyes, and felt the soft but damp snowflakes tap their eyelids. they felt cam’s fingers slip through hers, holding their hand tight but gentle. the two of them layed there for a while, and dollie felt the snow become slightly heavy on their thin frame of a body. they felt like they were drifting off, the familiar tug of sleep pulling them. “are you sleeping? come on, get upp…” cam whispered, but not too close as to scare them. they turned and blinked, so they didnt get snow in their eyes. “no no, im awake, was just resting.” putting their glasses on, they stood up - with the help of cam - and shook their hair and clothes clean like a dog after being wet. “ok! you wanna go home now? its getting colder- wait whats that?” she asked as they looked at her. “huh?” they looked to where she was pointing, and saw their lighter. “oh, i just bring it out sometimes.” they said, picking it up and shoving it back in their pocket. “what for?” she questioned, a bit of a curious look in her eyes. “sometimes i smoke.” they muttered, pushing down their left pant leg with their opposite shoe. cam was silent for a bit, then nodded. she grabbed their hand, and they both walked back the path to dollie’s house. the snow fell softly, and the walk was cold and a bit windy. “im not.. mad or anything you know?” cam started, glancing over to them. “people have things that they do, and so do you. just because of it, its not something to be guilty about-” she trailed off as dollie stopped short of walking on the pavement.
“dollie?” cam held their arm with both hands and shook them, but they didnt awnser. its not something to be guilty about, she says. im not mad, she says. its all the same, ALWAYS THE SAME. THEY ALWAYS SAY THAT THEN THROW ME AWAY LIKE IM A PIECE OF FUCKING TRASH. ITS NOT FAIR. NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR. tears slowly started to drip down their face, wetting their cold cheeks. everyone said the same things, over and over. “DOLLIE.” they jumped at the sound, and looked to cam. “i-im sorry for shouting, you just froze up and wouldnt speak..” she mumbled, and stepped back from them. there was silence, and they blinked away the tears from their already sore eyes. “its ok. im just.. sorry, i dont know, lets go home please.” they said, barely loud enough to hear. cam nodded again, gently grabbing their hand again and the two of them walked back. they were somewhat close to it now, walking seemed faster for some reason. they got home, and cam took the keys from them to unlock and re-lock the door. they went upstairs and shoved some pj pants on lazily, and taking their glasses off, before curling up in bed. tears fell down their face. always messing up, downplaying their feelings; apologising too like they did something wrong. they heard noises coming from downstairs and then footsteps up the stairs. a few seconds passed before the bed dipped slightly behind them. “dollie? you ok darling?” her voice calmed them, but seemed far away, and her hand stroked through their thick locks of hair. they turned over, although a bit painfully due to a small chronic pain flare up, and layed their head on her lap. she gave them a kiss on their head and held their hand, rubbing her thumb over their knuckles softly. they felt themself drifting off, as cam rubbed a hand on the small of their back. “im really not mad by the way, i can tell you didnt believe me, but its ok. i love you, dollie, no matter what.” right before they fell asleep, they felt her slip in beside them and wrap her arms around them.