Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Dylan felt like this was somehow the most chaotic and the calmest they had been. MARS leaving ONER did more good than harm, but it also came with so much work. They weren’t exactly starting ground-up, but sometimes it felt like it. Dylan was happy to be producing their own music, but he lost many unreleased songs to ONER’s vault, which was fine because those songs no longer represented them. With Thame back, making music felt good again. Nano was handling all the choreography like a pro. P’Po was an amazing director, and every new release reinforced it. Pepper, their ever-level-headed friend, thrived as a leader, managing everything they couldn't. And Jun, well, Jun was Jun– chaotic, loud and a complete package of all things that gave Dylan a headache. 

They had to give up the group house, which felt like a much bigger loss than it actually was. Most of them were not from Bangkok, himself included. Yes, they stayed in different places after Thame’s whole thing, but it was still their hub. So they’d all pitched in to rent a 3BHK somewhere close to their current studio for all of them to stay. The mandarin plant was the only memento that travelled with them, and that somehow felt enough. Dylan was lucky that he didn’t have to share his room with anyone. But to be fair, it wasn’t like Jun or Nano were really sharing their rooms, Thame and Per were constantly at their significant others’ places. His hoodies sure appreciated the closet space, and so did his lyric notebooks.  

The fandom was a different beast altogether. They left their company because they wanted to be in charge of their own lives. They didn’t want to give in to the toxic expectations of being an idol, and they didn’t want P’Po and P’Gam to suffer for their fame, which meant not keeping Thame and Pepper’s relationship a secret, which also meant they lost sponsorships, deals and, unfortunately, fans. But Dylan didn’t care about any of that as long as he had his boys and they were all happy. Thankfully, it seemed like MARS was starting to find its footing once again, both with the industry and a reformed fandom. 

It would have been a welcome miracle if the industry had changed with them, but he knew that was too much to ask. There was still one change, though. They were out and proud, breaking ground in the idol industry, but somehow still popular. This gave the media a myriad of new things to add to their questionnaire. Dylan couldn’t help but think about how much easier life would be if they could just focus on their music and parts of their life they chose to share instead of constant prying questions as they sat in their 4th interview of the day. 

They had been promoting their third single as an independent group for the last week or so. Dylan was used to the spotlight after so many years as an idol; he still didn’t like it. Jun and Nano, though, seemed to thrive in it. He could see the way they basked in the attention, giving as good as they got, like this was their playing field, and everybody else was supporting cast. Thame and Pepper were well-trained. They answered every question with an easy smile and charm, especially those about their relationships. And god, there were so many questions about relationships. Every interview he was in eventually came back around to ThamePo or PepperGam, and if they got too bored, to the other three, who weren’t officially in relationships. What is your relationship status? When are you guys going to tell us about your someone special? And in Dylan’s opinion, the worst kind- Who is your celebrity crush? What catches your interest in a person? The ones that were trying to catch a slip-up, a pronoun here, a glance there to expose their sexuality. 

Jun had come out as bisexual pretty soon after MARS became independent. The spotlight addict that he was couldn’t keep the attention away from him for too long. So that was not interesting to the media anymore.

“Don’t worry, Dylan. I may like boys and girls, but you are still my favourite person to annoy,” Jun had said the day he came out. He rolled his eyes and walked away. He would be lying if he said he didn’t love how casual Jun made coming out seem. Because, unlike Jun, Dylan hated the idea of talking about his sexuality. He never felt the need to advertise it. Not that he was ashamed of it, he just didn't think it was anybody’s business. He was comfortable being with who he was, sexuality and all. Plus his identity… well, one would assume it's the least problematic sexuality to be, but he hated the questions that came with it. Even his members didn’t know, Nano being an exception because he was the only person who ever came to Dylan for late-night conversations and heart-to-hearts. 

Dylan? “Dylan,” Jun’s voice snapped him back to the present. God, he was so tired; he needed sleep more than he thought if he was zoning out this intensely in an interview. “So awestruck by my beauty you couldn’t concentrate, huh?” he teased.

Dylan rolled his eyes. “Your narcissism was so loud it made me deaf,” he smirked, earning giggles from his friends. He turned back to the interviewer, “I’m sorry, what were you asking?”

She laughed slightly and repeated, “You’ve always been very secretive about your personal life.” Ugh, here we go again. “Do you have someone who’s caught your eye lately? Someone you would want to share with us?” She added the last part with a teasing smile.

Usually, he was very good at redirecting such questions. If you asked Dylan later, he would blame it on his sleep deprivation. His mouth was working before his brain could catch up, “If wanting was all it took, I would have a faen by now,” he laughed dryly. “Trust me, no one wants to deal with all of this,” he said, gesturing to all of himself. He'd meant it to land as a joke– slightly self-deprecating, but ultimately harmless. It was MO anyway. Sure, it wasn’t the usual kind of answer he would give, but even after his brain had caught up, he felt like it was a very normal answer to have. Not out of character, and definitely not scandalous by any means. But the interviewer seemed to focus on something else entirely. Her eyes lit up like she'd found the gossip exclusive for the week. 

“So there is someone?!” 

Dylan froze, “Huh?” His members seemed to be making an active effort not to draw more attention to him.

“Who is the lucky girl who’s evading your attention?” She paused before she added, “or guy, or whatever it is you prefer.” The, tell me what you prefer, was loud and unsaid.

Dylan tried to keep his calm because if he looked like a deer caught in headlights, that would also be on the internet forever. Come on, brain, say something, he thought, anything! Come on.

“Who, Dylan?” Jun laughed, grabbing him by the shoulder. “Please! It would be a surprise if he's interested in anything other than his bed and his music for more than 15 seconds.”

To others, it would seem like their usual teasing, but Dylan saw it for what it was. Diversion. He was taking the spotlight so that Dylan didn't have to. And from there, he navigated the conversation away to their music with effortless magnetism, and Dylan was once again free to breathe. It was comfort in the way Jun knew he needed at that moment in the only way he could offer.

“Hey Dyl,” Pepper called out once they stepped back into the group house, “You okay?” 

He sighed, “Just tired.” 

“I mean, about the interview. You know you can talk to us about anything, right?” 

Dylan snorted, “Yes, mom.”

“I’m serious,” Pepper insisted, “We did all this so that we can be ourselves, live our lives how we choose. I would hate it if you felt like you couldn’t talk to us.”

“Yeah,” Thame piped in, “It’s really not that big a deal. Look at P’Po and me-”

“Guys, stop!” Dylan sighed, “It’s not that deep. Seriously, let it go.” 

“But I don’t like the idea of someone making you feel you’re not-” Thame tried, sounding frustrated.

“They are not doing anything,” he interrupted firmly.

To his surprise, that earned him no reply, which was a bit unsettling. He turned back to face the group, who were in various states of shock. All except Jun, who had a cheshire grin painted on his face, “So there is someone after all.” 

Jun was enjoying this revelation, mostly because finding out anything about their tight-lipped rapper was always entertaining. It happened so rarely that Jun had learnt to take the opportunity when he could to get his bandmate to relax with the group. Teasing was the easiest way he knew how. 

“Aw, is our poor Dylan heartbroken?” he teased. “Who had the audacity to reject our emo boy! We need to give them a talkdown.” Dylan rolled his eyes.

“Worse,” Nano spoke up from the couch, “they don’t even know.” 

“NANO!” Dylan yelped. 

“What! They would have nagged it out of you anyway. This way, we save time.”

Dylan’s fists clenched, probably in an effort to stop himself from strangling Nano, which only added to Jun’s amusement. 

“Dylan,” Pepper said softly, “ I get it if you don’t want to talk about it. But whoever they are,” he paused, pointedly at the pronoun, “the most important thing for us is you.” Dylan scoffed, then tried to hide it with a cough.

Interesting.

“Okay, you know what? We’ll talk about it.” Dylan declared, but before the rest of the group could settle down, he added, “Later.”

“But-”

“I need to sleep right now. So it's either later or not at all.”

Jun watched the tiredness settle on the rest of them, resigning themselves to the ‘later’, his own exhaustion not far behind. They had all had a long week filled with sleepless nights and busier days. But Jun couldn’t help himself.

As the rest of them scattered back to their own rooms, Jun knocked on Dylan’s door. 

He had to wait a few minutes for the door to click open, immediately followed by a groan. 

“Ughhhhh. What do you want?” 

“Aww, is that any way to greet your friend who’s concerned about you?” 

Dylan stared down with icy judgment. 

“Fine, I might be feeling a bit nosy.”

He rolled his eyes and started to close the door.

“Wait wait wait!!” he rushed to push his hand between the door, because he needed to confirm if his instinct was right. He’d known Dylan for a while now, and despite his demeanour, he was pretty easy to read. None of his members were particularly good at hiding their emotions, but the way Dylan wore his heart on his sleeve was different from the way Thame and Nano did. He was cautious, careful, and afraid to give away too much in case this gets taken away from him, too. Which is why Jun had a feeling he had the right idea.

“It’s someone we know, isn’t it?” 

Dylan didn’t say anything, but Jun had followed his movement for far too long to not know exactly what it meant. The door shut on his face, and he knew he was right. 

Dylan slept as well as he expected, which was not at all. So he'd spent the better half of the night working on new sample tracks. He was so tired, he knew he should sleep, but Jun had rattled him. Unfortunately, he also knew that that was not a good enough excuse for his friends to spare him the interrogation the next morning. By the time he forced himself to get some shut-eye, it was 4 am, his fatigue getting the better of him. 

He woke up close to noon, still tired. He brushed his teeth and delayed getting out of the room for about an hour till his stomach protested. Just as he'd expected, the first thing he was greeted with was the entire group sitting on the couch, staring at their phones. If he had to guess, Thame had probably insisted none of them go back to their room in case Dylan would use that as an excuse to get out of this conversation. All eyes turned to him the second his door clicked open. So we're going to do this, then.

Dylan sighed, “Okay, fine. I'll answer five questions, and none of them can be about the person I like. No identifiers, no names, hair colour, eye colour, nothing, got it?”

“Oh my god, he admitted it,” Jun exclaimed in an exaggerated tone, “our little kitten is opening up about his life.”

“He's literally the same age as you, P’Jun,” Nano chimed in. 

“Five questions?! Come on. That doesn't answer anything,” Pepper complained. 

“Yes. Give us 20, like the game,” Nano grinned.

“No.” Dylan did not need any more opportunities to slip up. 

Thame handed him a cup of coffee, guided him to a plate of food and added, “But five is still too little, Dylan.”

He glared at him, then took a sip of the coffee. The sugary sweetness of the caramel syrup warmed both his belly and his heart. Ugh. He hated that he loved them. “Fine. I'll give you ten.”

“A win is a win,” said Jun, “who wants to start?” 

Dylan waited. He honestly didn’t know what to expect, especially because in front of the group, he really had to choose his words carefully. 

“I guess I’ll start,” Pepper said, fixing his glasses, “You said we can’t ask you anything about this person. Why?”

You could always count on Pepper to ask the tough questions first. “Because I don’t want them to know,” was what he landed on, “even by accident.”

“Why?” Nano asked, seeming to enjoy this more than the rest of them. 

Dylan shoved another bite of jok into his mouth, sending their maknae a glare. “I’m counting that as the second question,” he said after swallowing, “and because it's none of their business.” 

“You think it's none of their business that you’ve been in love with them?” Jun snorted. 

Dylan rolled his eyes and raised three fingers, Jun’s objection falling on deaf ears. “Yes. It’s none of their business. My stupid feelings. I can do whatever I want with it, i.e., none of their business.” 

“That…” Jun said, “is certainly one way to deal with it. Rejection is worse than one-sided pining, huh? Never would have pegged the one and only Dylan Zhou to be a romantic.” 

“You think MARS’s romantic hits came out of thin air?” Nano answered for him instead. 

Dylan raised a fourth finger, just to be petty and made sure to keep eye contact with their youngest member when said, “No,” with a smirk

“But– You can’t count that!” Nano complained, “Not fair!” 

“Why are you so afraid of rejection?” Thame asked, refusing to engage with their game. Dylan couldn’t help but laugh, considering how long it took for their leader to admit his feelings to P’Po.

“Wow, I'm getting a free therapy session here, it seems,” Dylan chided, “And rich coming from you, don’t you think?”

“Stop avoiding the question and answer it.”

“It's not rejection I’m afraid of. Ask the right question, maybe I’ll answer it.” 

“What are you afraid of then?” Jun asked.

Dylan froze mid-bite and turned to see the questioner. “Nothing.”

“You promised honesty,” Nano challenged. 

“Nothing that I can explain that would make sense without a lot of context about the person I like,” Dylan said through his teeth, and then added, “Nano, you’re banned from saying anything in this conversation."

Nano’s complaints were met with a death glare. The silence stretched a while longer, till Pepper broke it with a question. 

“Okay, Dylan. I really need to understand this. We fought for this freedom. You guys were by our side when Thame and I started dating. Why won’t you give yourself that chance?”

Dylan groaned, “I don’t have a chance.”

“You cannot go deciding that for other people,” he protested. 

“I am not. I’m deciding it for myself.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it,” Jun muttered from his place on the sofa. Dylan ignored it. “Fine, if no one is going to ask it, I might as well. How long have you actually liked this person?”

“I already told you I’m not answering such questions,” Dylan deadpanned. 

“This is not about them at all,” Jun argued, “This is about you. If you liking them is none of their business, how long is none of their business either, which makes it fair game.”

Per shrugged, as if to say he had a point. Dylan had trapped himself into this. He looked at Nano for help who just stuck his tongue out at being chided to keep quiet just moments ago. 

Dylan sighed, “A few years,” he answered non-comittally. Hoping no one asked a clarifying question, especially considering there were only two more questions left. 

“I have a question,” Thame finally said, “Are we your friends?”

“Huh?” Dylan was taken aback by that. It seemed like an obvious answer and a waste of breath to ask. These people were not just his friends, they were way more than that. “You guys are my family,” he answered honestly. Thame of all people knew this to be true since there were more times than he could count that their ex-leader had come to his comfort when no one else was there for him. He was there before the fame and the money. All of them were. 

“Then why does it feel like Nano knows more than us? Did we do something that made you feel like you can’t trust us?”

“What? No! That’s not–”

“But he does know more than us, right? He knows who you like and why you’re being hesitant?”

“Thame,” Dylan spoke his name, desperately, “It’s not what you think.” Nano shrunk in his place at the sudden attack.

“I’m not mad. I’m even happy that you spoke to Nano about this. But if we did something–,” his voice wavered, he looked down to quickly compose himself and Dylan’s heart was beating in his ears, “We worked so hard to get back to where we were as a group, as a team, as a family,” he looked back up, “and I want to know how to fix it if we are not where I thought we were.”

The house abruptly fell silent. Dylan wracked his head for the right thing to say, but he decided silence was worse than saying the wrong thing. “Nano found out by accident. I didn’t mean to keep it from any of you, it’s just that it was really complicated. Why didn’t you tell us about Korea,” he challenged, then looked at Pepper, “and you didn’t tell us about P’Gam either. It was complicated! I didn’t want to hurt anyone in the process of pursuing something that was going to be nothing anyways. The risk was not worth it.”

Thame nodded, empathy evident in his eyes. But he didn’t let up. “Then why not now. We don’t have that complication anymore, do we. You can be happy if you want.”

“I am happy,” he answered. “This doesn’t haunt me the way you think it does. I’ve spent long enough with these feelings to know they deserve better– and no, this is not me being self-deprecating. Honestly, I really just want to get over him, and talking about him doesn’t help me do that. It’s not because I don’t trust you.”

Thame didn’t look convinced, but he nodded anyways, then extended his hands for a hug. Dylan rolled his eyes but fell into the hug. One by one the rest of them crowded around them joining the hug. Dylan sighed, feeling both exhausted and content. 

“So,” Jun began. Dylan snorted at his inability to let a peaceful moment be, “what flavour of queer are you?”

“P’Jun!” Nano yelped, slapping his arm that was just in reach.

“What? He said ‘him’, I’m just wondering how much of the rainbow we as a group can cover?” 

“P’JUN!” 

Nano glared at the oldest member as the rest of them untangled themselves from each other. But Jun only looked at him, eyebrows raised for an answer.

Dylan matched his look, folded his arms, then continued eating his lunch without answering.

“Wait, you’re really not going to tell us?”

Dylan shrugged.

“He will tell us when he feels comfortable,” Pepper said, firm and with no place for questions.

“Guys,” Jun started, noticing everyone except Dylan was in the living room.

Their talk with Dylan that morning had been enlightening to say the least. But he would be among the first to admit that if someone had told him one of the things him and his rapper would have in common was their absolute hopelessness when it came to falling in love with the wrong person, apparently. He knew Dylan didn’t give any specifics, all his answers were intentional and measured. But he saw something in Dylan that day, that he had maybe just started to recognise in himself. 

So obviously, he was going to do something about it. He had the perfect idea too. 

“No,” Pepper stopped him before he had even pitched his brilliant plan to the rest of the group. 

“Aow! At least hear me out first,” he complained. 

“I know you well enough to know that whatever you’re planning is either extremely stupid, extremely reckless, extremely expensive, or more likely, all three.” 

Nano giggled.

“Aow!” Jun complained again. “You don’t even know what I’m going to say.”

“Something about fixing Dylan’s life?” Thame asked, not looking up from his phone.

“Lucky guess,” Jun murmured.

“No. You’re just predictable,” Nano grinned.

“Fine! But guys, this time, I really think this is a great idea!”

“No,” Per parroted. 

“Come onnn,” he whined, “Let me at least tell you what my plan is.”

Taking the silence as permission, Jun continued. 

“Okay, so you know how Dylan is heartbroken, right?”

“I wouldn’t put it like that–” said Nano. 

Jun ignored him, “And he said he’s trying to get over whoever this guy is. So I think we should set him up with someone else!” 

“Huh?” 

“And what better place to find new people than a nightclub. So, tonight, let’s all go drinking!”

The silence was almost comical. Pepper blinked at him for a second before pushing his glasses up his nose in disappointment.

“See, what did I tell you? Stupid, reckless and expensive.”

“Per~” he complained, “It’s been so long since we’ve been out as a group. I know we’re trying to cut back and stuff, but don’t you think we deserve to have fun. Dylan, of all people, really needs to let loose. He’s either in the studio making music or in his room making music or out and about reluctantly promoting music. But beyond that, don’t we all deserve this?” 

“I think it's a stupid idea,” Nano commented.

Jun gasped dramatically, “Et tu?”

“– But a night out could be fun,” he added. 

Thame, who had finally decided to look up, probably because his boyfriend got busy with work, shook his head. “Yeah. We deserve a break, I guess.” 

“Perfect!” Jun beamed, “Now, who’s going to go coax our black cat?” 

Jun’s jaw dropped when he saw Dylan dressed and ready for their night out. Nano was still fussing with his hair, trying to make it look just the right kind of messy, but Jun would say that was unnecessary. He looked amazing, but a little uncomfortable in clothes that weren’t swimming on him. Jun made a mental note to grab his baggiest and darkest hoodie, just in case.

“How did you convince him?” Jun asked Nano when he was finally done with Dylan.

“I told him you’re paying.”

Jun snorted. “I’m definitely not paying for you anymore, then.”

“It’s my fee for convincing P’Dylan to come,” he shrugged. “Otherwise, I can just ask him to stay.”

Jun side-eyed him, but kept quiet.

Jun loved the whole vibe of a club. He thrived in the energy of the music, the thrumming beat of the speakers that he could feel through his body, the drunken smiles, and the smell of something sweet and sharp that always came with a bar. He loved it. 

The one they were currently at was a new bar that he’d been hearing quite a lot about. It hadn’t gained enough traction that it was swimming with people, but it had been open long enough that he knew all five of them could go in without having to worry too much about being in the public eye and still have fun.

“This place looks nice,” A voice chimed in behind him. 

“P’Po,” Jun could feel the warmth pouring out of Thame before he even had to turn around. 

P’Po fell into the hug with a pleased smile. “Didn't think this was your scene,” he said to Jun. 

Jun laughed smugly, ignoring the pang in his chest. “You don't know me that well, Phi.” 

“Okay! Enough chitchat. Let's dance!” Nano dragged Jun, whose hand reached out to grab whoever was closest to him, which just so happened to be Dylan. 

The three of them reached the heart of the dance floor. Nano began jumping on beat almost immediately, and Jun swayed along lazily. Dylan, however, seemed frozen. Jun waited for about a minute. 

Then he turned to Nano and screamed, “We're going to get some drinks. Want something?” 

Nano gave him an absentminded nod. 

He took Dylan's wrist and guided him out of the crowd again. 

“You good?” 

“Not feeling this today, I guess.” 

Jun knew that. It was honestly a toss-up on how comfortable he feels, and today wasn't a good one, apparently. But this was good too. The bar is a much better place for what he wanted to do anyway. And Dylan looked like a treat, it would only be a matter of time before someone approached him. 

As if spoken into existence, someone spoke behind them. 

“Excuse me?” 

They both turned around. Dylan’s eyes widened.

“It is you,” the stranger beamed. “Long time no see N’Dylan. You look good.”

“P’Luke,” Dylan stared, a light pink dusting his cheek at the compliment. Ooh. Interesting. 

“Hi, I’m Jun, Dylan’s friend.” Jun raised his hand to greet the other person. “Are you Dylan’s senior from school or something, Phi?”

The taller man laughed, “Something like that.”

“I thought places like this weren’t usually your scene?” Dylan asked almost shyly. 

“Unfortunately, someone still needs to run the place because it is definitely somebody’s scene,” he replied, pointing at the crowd. 

Jun was thoroughly enjoying this more than he should. But he knew not to overstay his welcome.

“Are you the owner, Phi?” he asked, “Then do you mind if I have some drinks on your tab?” 

Dylan glared at him, which was exactly what he expected, and he took that as his cue. 

“Okay, fine. I’ll pay for them myself, I guess. You two enjoy catching up.” He lifted an arm to wave casually, then walked to the opposite side of the bar. 

He glanced back at the pair he left behind. Dylan was smiling, he seemed comfortable, which made Jun feel warm. He smiled and spotted an empty bar stool in between the crowd. 

“Is this seat taken?” he asked the guy sitting nearby, who shook his head. Jun glanced at the menu behind the table, looking for something light to drink. “What are you having there?” he asked, looking at what looked like a cocktail his seatmate was drinking.

The boy in question smiled, “Is this your attempt at flirting with me?” 

Jun’s eyes crinkled. “It was actually my attempt at asking you for a drink recommendation.” he leaned forward to take a better look at the other’s face. He was a looker for sure. If Jun had to guess, he was around Nano’s age, maybe a little bit older. “But I wouldn’t be against flirting,” he spoke, coyly. 

He laughed again, matching Jun’s posture. “What type of drink recommendation were you looking for?” 

“Something that’ll still allow me to drive my friends home, I think.”

“Ahh,” he swirled the red fruity drink in his hand, “Designated driver?”

“Something like that.” 

“Jade,” he said after a minute. 

Jun eyed the menu again. “I don’t see that here.” 

He smiled wider, eyes almost disappearing. “I’m Jade.”

“Oh,” he snickered, “Jun.” He extended his hand in an introduction. 

“Where are your friends then?” Jade asked. 

“Scattered around.” He looked around and spotted Nano first, who had become the centre of attention, of course. When he caught Jun looking, he waved excitedly. Jun waved back.

Pepper was at a table with P’Gam, who still seemed to be in her office clothes. He knew an invite would have been extended to her, but didn't expect her to show up. 

He scanned the dance floor again and tugged in the corner, lost in their own world were Thame and P’Po. Jun bit the inside of his cheek. 

He should have been over this by now. And he liked to think he mostly was. He was genuinely happy for Thame. He deserved this love and happiness and more. But there were moments when his heart lurched him back to moments that he knew even back then were stolen. 

He shook his head and looked for the person who was the reason they were here in the first place. He was a man on a mission today. He hoped he was having fun, letting loose, etcetera etcetera. But he was standing alone with a drink in hand. 

Huh?

“P’Jun, where is my drink? I hope you got me the most expensive one.” He didn't notice Nano walk about behind him. “I'm thirsty.”

Jun's eyes, however, were trained on the silver-haired man. 

“Nano, meet Jade. He was just about to give us drink recommendations. Jade, this is Nano, my favourite little brother. Now, talk.” He didn't wait after the rushed introductions; he handed Nano his card and walked over to Dylan. 

“Where is your senior?”

Dylan startled at the sound of the voice appearing so close to his ears, then relaxed once he realised it was just Jun. 

“He has a bar to run,” Dylan replied, taking another sip of the drink P’Luke had made him. 

“Huh,” Jun shrugged, “I definitely thought you were going home with him tonight.”

Dylan snorted, “Why would I do that?” 

“Because he was into you, obviously.” 

“You’re delusional.” Dylan shook his head. 

“Well, we’ll find someone else,” Jun shrugged.

“What? Why?”

Jun smirked, “You know what they say–”

Dylan cocked his head. What is he upto now?

“The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” Jun wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. 

Dylan scoffed. “Is that why you’re here?” 

He glanced at where P’Po and Thame were drinking. Dylan hadn't missed the way Jun's posture went stiff the minute their older unofficial creative director/editor/designer, among other things, had walked into the bar. As vehemently as he would deny it to anyone who asked, he was fluent in Jun and his isms. 

“What?” 

Dylan assumed this was Jun trying to skirt around the topic, instead he said–

“That’s what you’re here to do.” 

“Huh?” 

“Yeah. We’re here to help you get over your mystery crush so you can enjoy our newfound freedom.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yes. You’re a total looker in that outfit too.”

Dylan instantly became hyperaware of himself. His fingers reached the hem of the tank top to pull it down. “I am not interested in a hookup.”

“Aow,” Jun frowned, “Why? P’Luke seemed willing.”

“I’m not interested in him,” Dylan gritted through his teeth, fidgeting with his top again. 

“Okay, then Mr High Standards. Let’s figure out what your type is then.” Jun seemed to have taken this as a challenge instead of a rejection. “How about–” Jun paused, scanning the room, “that one?”

Dylan didn’t even bother looking up, “No.”

“Okay, how about sparkly jacket over there? He is definitely looking our way.”

Dylan hated having so many eyes on him right now. He felt irritated in his own skin, “No.”

Jun huffed, “What about–”

“Jun, stop!” He took in a shaky breath. “Stop projecting your insecurities on me and let me be. I said I’m not interested.” 

Jun clenched his chest in faux hurt, “Ouch. Uncalled for. “

“Well, I didn’t call for a hookup service either, and yet here you are.” Dylan needed to get out of here. “I’m going home.” 

“Okay, wow. I’m sorry I wanted to help you get over some loser who’s got you wrapped around his finger.” Jun shot back. 

“Oh, like how you got over P’Po after setting him up with Thame?” 

Dylan wished he felt bad about hitting a nerve, but in that moment he couldn’t be bothered. He returned his half-empty glass to the bar and started towards the exit. 

Jun felt the whiplash as the words left Dylan’s mouth. He didn’t know anyone had taken his schoolboy crush on P’Po seriously enough to use it as ammunition the way Dylan just did. And he certainly did not think it was obvious enough to use as ammunition now. Even Nano had stopped teasing him about it the week after Thame and P’Po made their relationship official. When he came to, Dylan was walking away. 

“Hey!” The audacity he had to just throw that at him and leave? Fuck no. 

“Per,” he shouted on his way out, “Give me a call when you’re ready to leave. My card is with Nano, who’s talking to some guy at the bar. Make sure he’s okay. “ 

“Where are you going?” Pepper asked, but Jun didn’t answer. 

When he caught up to Dylan, he was waiting at the door. Jun snatched his phone, cancelled the grab ride he’d booked and dragged him to his car instead. 

“Hey!” Dylan complained. 

Jun opened the door to the passenger side and waited, arms crossed. 

“I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“Because I was trying to get you laid?” Jun ridiculed. “Grow up.” 

“I don’t want to get laid.” 

“Why? You want to be a sulky emo rapper in a sappy indie band pining over someone who you can’t even confess to?”

“BECAUSE I’M ASEXUAL, OKAY?”

Jun’s jaw dropped for the second time in the last five minutes. Shit. 

“I’m not interested in ‘getting laid’. So if you’re done playing with my life for your amusement, go fix your own shit. I’ll go find a cab and go home where I can sit and be an emo rapper in peace.” 

Jun’s hand caught the other’s wrist before he could do what he said. He looked around the parking lot, which thankfully was empty except for a litter of stray cats in some corner. 

“I’m sorry,” he started, “Let me drop you home.” 

Dylan scoffed. “I really don’t want to deal with you right now.” 

“I promise I’ll be on my best behaviour.” He pretended to zip his mouth and stepped away. 

Dylan clenched his jaw, but got in. 

The drive back to their apartment was quiet for all of five minutes before Jun couldn’t keep it in any longer. He hadn’t meant to force Dylan’s hand like that. He felt like an asshole for accidentally pushing him to come out. Yes, their whole shtick was getting on each other's nerves, but this was crossing a boundary. 

“I didn’t actually mean to make you feel uncomfortable, you know that, right?” 

Dylan sighed, as if he’d expected the peace to break sooner or later.

“I just wanted to help.” 

He could almost feel Dylan rolling his eyes, while his own stayed on the road. “It’s fine.” 

“It’s not,” he responded guiltily, “I know I’m an asshole, but this was far even for me.”

“You didn’t know.”

“Yeah, but–” Jun stopped at the red light, finally turning to apologise properly.

“Jun,” Dylan grunted. “Can we stop talking about this?” He shifted uncomfortably, fiddling with his tank top. 

Right. Jun reached for the back seat, pulling the hoodie he’d packed out of his bag. “Here,” he said, handing it over to Dylan. “Figured you’d want this eventually.” 

Dylan frowned, testing the hoodie material in his hand. 

“It’s clean, I swear.” 

Dylan hugged himself in Jun’s black hoodie. The material was annoyingly soft, Dylan had half a mind to steal it and never return it. But what annoyed him more was that Jun had known to bring him a hoodie in the first place. 

“Soo–” Jun started again as they stopped at their umpteenth signal. Thanks for the traffic, as always, Bangkok. “When did you figure out you were ace?” 

“You really can’t stay quiet for more than five minutes, huh?”

“It’s one of my best qualities,” he flaunted. 

“Tch. Debatable.”

“So, when was it?” 

Dylan had only come out to three people before this, and this was always the first question. “I knew for sure somewhere close to my first year in uni.” 

This question was never the problem. It was everything that followed. 

“How did you know?” 

Like that, for example. How was he supposed to answer that? He had heard many other queer stories, and it always felt like there was some sort of pivotal moment or person or story that made it clear. How do you explain the absence of attraction in a world that assumes it to be a prerequisite? “I don’t know. I just knew.”

“Fair enough. But I imagine it's also a weird thing to try to explain to people huh?” 

Dylan lazily turned to him at that comment. “Why?” 

“I don’t know. I imagine it's very easy to misunderstand, no? Like in high school, my whole class was obsessed with One Piece, right. And I just couldn’t understand the hype? It was too long and incomplete. I even gave in and watched an episode, but nothing could make me understand them. I imagine it’s much worse with sex around hormone-filled teenagers.”

“Exactly. And without any of this attraction stuff, sex actually sounds disgusting and unhygienic? Why would anyone be interested in that?”

Jun laughed. “You’re right." Then he asked "Have you tried it though? Sex?” 

Ah, there it is. “No,” he said, hugging himself a little tighter. He waited with bated breath for the question that usually followed, but it never came. 

“Cool,” was all Jun said, like there was nothing more to it. 

“What?”

“What?” Jun mirrored, starting the car again with the change of light. 

“Aren’t you going to ask me how I know I’m ace if I’ve never had sex?”

“That’s stupid. I knew I was bi before I kissed a boy.” 

“Seriously?” 

“What? You know best. Do you want me to question your sexuality?”

“No.” 

“Cool.”

“Cool.”

“Do you have like a more specific label you like to use?” Jun shrugged, continuing his interview apparently. 

Dylan hid his smile against the zipper. “I didn’t know you were an expert on asexuality.”

Jun huffed, “I’m an expert on everything, Dyl.” 

He hadn’t expected his coming out to the team to be like this, especially with Jun. He was almost certain that Jun would immediately jump to cliches about how he wouldn’t know what he’s missing out on, or how he should give sex a chance or something. But this? Understanding and actual curiosity? It wasn’t that it was out of character, but it was character that Dylan didn’t get to see from Jun often.

“I like the umbrella term. It felt good enough to me.”

Jun nodded. “So you’re not aromantic then? Or was that a one-time thing?” 

“I’ve had other crushes before. He wasn’t my first.” 

“Really?” The glee in his voice made him turn to face him. 

“Why…” he asked, concerned at the face Jun was making. 

“Sooo. Tell me about your crushes then.”

This guy. “No.”

“Dylaaannn”

“No.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t know what, how or why it happened. It’s only ever happened twice. This one is worse than the others, and I hate it,” Dylan huffed angrily.

Jun sat cross-legged across from him on the carpet, frowning. “Come on. I’m sure you’ve had time to think about it.”

“I try not to think about it,” he mumbled, picking at the fabric of the bean bag. 

“Okay, how about–”

“No! How about you tell me, huh? Define attraction for me.”

“What?”

“Since you want to know so much about what I like, explain it to me. Maybe if you tell me what you think, I’ll know what I think.”

“Oh, come on! Attraction is…” he paused, considering the question. Then he opened his mouth and shut it again.

“Go on then,” he shrugged, maintaining eye contact, daring him to answer.

“It’s a feeling, okay. I’m not the writer here, you are!” 

“Okay, then why do you have sex?”

“Hah?” Jun exclaimed, looking at Dylan like he’d grown a second head. Dylan shrugged, waiting for an answer. “Well– it’s–”

“Don’t be a prune about it. I can handle talking about sex,” he interrupted impatiently. Jun’s hesitation to touch the topic was apparent, as it seemed to be with the few people he’d told of his sexuality.

“It’s a physical need. Don’t you ever jerk off?” 

Dylan maintained his stony expression, “Not particularly. But that’s different. When you’re looking to have a one-night stand, why do you approach one person over another? Why were you flirting with that guy at the bar today?”

“Jeez. Why do I feel like I’m being interrogated? It’s not like one feeling, okay? It’s a combination of multiple things.”

“What things?”

Jun grunted helplessly. “I don’t know– The vibe, the mood, the way they are dressed, how I feel on that day, how they talk, move, touch, approach. It’s not like there’s a formula to attraction.”

“Exactly! When you, a person who has experienced attraction to multiple people, can’t put it in words, how exactly do you expect me to explain ‘my type’ to you, huh?”

He sighed, which made Dylan relax ever so slightly. “Fine. Fair. Then let’s try it this way, then. You’ve called people hot before, right? What’s your criteria for that?”

Dylan frowned, “What does that have to do with attraction?”

Jun laughed, like he was joking, which only confused Dylan more. “No way,” he whispered. “Wait. What do you think it means to think someone is ‘hot’?”

He didn’t like this. Dylan had spent most of his life feeling like he was weird, and this conversation with Jun seemed to be proving it over and over again. He bit the inside of his cheek to take attention away from the anxiety that was pooling in his stomach. “I thought it was an aesthetic,” he mumbled. “You know, Nano is cute, you’re hot, Thame and Per are handsome. And then it keeps switching based on what you wear, how you carry yourself, who you’re with and stuff.”

Jun’s grin widened. “You think I’m hot.” 

Dylan rolled his eyes. “And I still think you are disgusting. So what does that have to do with attraction?”

His grin didn’t drop, but his smile became somewhat kinder. Like something had clicked into place in the conversation. “Well, usually, when someone thinks someone else is hot, it’s about physical attraction.”

“And what is that?”

Jun snorted, “Okay, we're talking in circles now. Let’s try a different way.”

“Ughhh, why are you so pushy about this?”

“I’m trying to get to know you, Dylan,” he said, calmly, resting his forearms on the table in front of him, and Dylan was convinced his heart skipped a beat. “I don’t know what it's like to be asexual. And I want to help you get over whoever this jerk is. And despite all that, I feel like this is the first time in years I get to have a conversation with you, and instead of pushing me away, you actually answer.”

Yeah, no. Dylan was certain he was dying with the way his pulse picked up.

“And while I hate this asshole for making you feel like you’re not enough–”

“He didn't."

“–I’m glad he’s given me a chance to get to know you again.” 

Dylan bit his cheek harder till the sharp taste of iron hit his tongue. Then he took in a deep breath and dared to look at the bandmate in front of him. The sincerity in his eyes alone would have undone him in a second, but then, after a pause, he asked–

“So, if you’re tired of this– if you’re tired of me– we can stop. But if you’re not, I still hope I can ask you about this stuff later.”

Dylan’s willpower was not strong enough to deny the man he loved anything when he asked nicely. He knew that would be his undoing when he nodded anyway.

Jun was lying on the bed next to Dylan, both of them deciding that if they were going to continue this conversation, they might as well get comfortable. His logic was simple. If they couldn’t get information from general questions, then they could get something from Dylan’s singular experience of having a crush. “If you want to talk about me, we also get to talk about you,” Dylan had said. Jun accepted, obviously, still unsure about what that entailed. 

Dylan stretched lazily, then turned to face Jun with sleepy eyes. “Ask away.”

“When was your oh moment?” 

Dylan’s eyes were fixed somewhere on his shirt for a while, then he replied, “It wasn’t a moment. It was like a reality that existed one day, and I couldn’t look back after that.” Jun smiled at the softness the night had brought to them. “Was there an oh moment with P’Po?”

“Oh, certainly. But you’d have to ask him about how badly he fell for me,” he replied, resorting to his usual defence when he didn’t want to answer. 

“Jun,” Dylan warned, low and calm.

He sighed, “Kinda. But it was a series of little things. Why does it matter anyway? He’s with Thame now.”

“That doesn’t mean your feelings disappear.” 

“But they need to.” 

“I've heard talking about it helps,” using his own words against him.

“Ha ha,” Jun deadpanned. “Your turn. What made him different?”

“I wish I knew. It wasn't that he was different really. He–” Dylan hesitated, “initially it felt a lot like irritation, the way I couldn't stop thinking about him. He was constantly in my business and getting on my nerves. But then I started to see the little things. He is usually loud and annoying, but then there are moments when I feel like he lets me see beyond the chaos he uses as a wall, and every time I do, I want to burrow myself in there and tell him he's going to be okay.”

Jun gaped at him. “Wow… that's–”

“Yeah, I know. It's stupid.” Dylan didn’t know why he kept going, but once he started, he couldn’t stop. “But he can come off as a bastard, but he just has a weird way of showing people he cares, and it’s not just the people he knows. He hates it when someone tells him he’s soft, but then goes ahead and becomes the villain just to make everyone else happy. And he is so smart. I don’t think he even knows how smart he is, but he just has this way of getting to me the way no one can. He makes me feel safe.”

When Dylan stopped, Jun could almost feel the weight of his words. Safe. He was jealous, maybe even a little bit angry, that someone had earned this much of Dylan’s trust.

“Damn, maybe I should stop calling him names.”

“No, he’s still an asshole, and I still hate him… a bit.”

Jun snorted, “Fair enough.” It felt odd, though. How does Dylan trust this person so much and still be afraid to show them who he was? “What’s stopping you from confessing then?” Jun needed to know.

“Hey! It’s my turn.”

Jun laughed again and nodded at him to ask away.

Dylan bit his lip, hesitant. Then he turned sideways, looking at Jun, then back at the ceiling. “What was it like? Falling in love with him?” 

Jun considered running out of the room for a second, but he'd seen how vulnerable and open Dylan had been with him. It wasn't that he felt like he owed him the truth, but the day so far had made him feel like he could open up without being judged too harshly for it. So he said, “Easy.” Because it was. “We were going to lose Thame and Mars, and all of us were coming to terms with it in our own way, away from each other. And then he came in, and he made me feel like I didn't have to make the choice to be miserable this way. Falling in love with him after that was so easy. He was caring, sweet, he gave so much of himself to everyone around him, and I just wanted to make him feel like he deserved good things too.” 

Dylan looked at him with sadness he couldn't place. 

“Plus, he was hot,” he added, as a joke. “But you wouldn't understand that.” 

“I hate you,” he murmured.

Jun smirked. This was probably the first time after their debut that the two of them had properly talked. Without the quips, the banter and the constant argument, Jun was suddenly reminded of their tired days as trainees, and the first time Dylan smiled at him. He turned to lie on his arm, facing Dylan properly. “So, why won’t you confess?”

Dylan smiled mirthlessly. “You said falling in love with P’Po was easy, right?”

“Mhm.”

“Well, I think falling in love with me is difficult. I’m prickly, short-tempered, I don’t get along with people easily. But even if you get past all that, there’s nothing I can really offer. Kissing, sex, and all that physical stuff seem to be such an expected part of all relationships. So what would the difference be between friendship and romance with me? What difference would it make for– him, other than a label?” 

“That's not true,” Jun protested. 

“Really? How not?”

“Relationships are a lot more than just physical compatibility, Dyl. It's about companionship, love, intimacy that is not physical.”

“Well, all of that is there in friendship too.”

“Yes, but it's different.”

“How?”

“You know how. Why do you want a romantic relationship with him and not a friendship?”

“That's–” he fell silent for a bit. “I've never thought about it like that.”

“Yeah, and that's okay. Most of us don't know the answer to that either. But you know the difference,” he poked his chest, “in here.”

“But it still won't make a difference.”

“Why not?” 

“Because I don't have anything to offer.”

“Stop! Dyl. You have a lot to offer. You are fiercely loyal, righteously angry and secretly caring. Anyone would be lucky to love you. Sex is not a prerequisite for love.”

“But it is an important part of 99% of romantic relationships in the world.” 

“Since when have you cared about going with the grain?”

“I don't. I care that I'm taking that away from someone else.” 

“So what? You're some saint sacrificing your love for their fulfilled life?”

“That's not–”

“Why are you making a decision for them? You cannot keep assuming people will not choose you just because you're insecure.” He didn't mean to say it in those words, but the minute it came out, he knew he fucked up. Dylan looked devastated. His wall that was slowly starting to come down was being built up again brick by brick, and Jun was watching as it happened. “I didn't mean–” 

“No. You're right. Maybe my insecurities are the reason I'm difficult to love.”

“Dyl–” he tried weakly, but the other man swiftly got up and opened the door to the hallway. 

“I’m tired. And you should probably go pick the rest of them up.”

“Dylan–” 

He didn’t say a word, just opened the door wider.